The Office 8x10

Directed by Ed Helms

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Andy attempts to make everyone's Christmas wishes come true, including those of a drunken Erin. Meanwhile, Dwight and Jim are entangled in an escalating prank war wherein one attempts to frame the other.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Christmas time is here!

2. Wow! Thanks, guys That sounded amazing

3. Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever

4. to make holiday wishes come true

5. Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?

6. Holiday wishes. What's that, Stanley?

7. We know exactly what holiday you're referring to

8. It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party

9. I've been here 18 years and I've suffered

10. through some weird thematic Christmases

11. A Honolulu Christmas a Pulp Fiction Christmas

12. a Muslim Christmas Moroccan Christmas

13. Mo Rocca Christmas

14. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas

15. I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday

16. Might not have been the best idea

17. Kwanzaa wreath

18. I don't need a dreidel in my face That's its own thing.

19. And who's that black Santa for?

20. I know Santa ain't black I could care less.

21. I want Christmas. Just give me plain

22. baby-Jesus-lying-in-a-manger Christmas

23. What is the status on my wish? Fulfilled

24. Brought my bicycle so I can be your designated driver later,

25. in the event that you drink too much which is by no means required

26. What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings

27. that degrade our sense of adulthood?

28. That, I cannot do

29. But I did get you an acre of property on the moon

30. Where, dark side or light side?

31. Light side Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?

32. As a matter of fact, yes Directly adjacent.

33. Beachfront Thank you, Andy.

34. So whose wish is next? What about Santa's wish?

35. My biggest wish is that you a get along well with Jessica

36. Come on, guys, Jessica

37. Jim, tell them who Jessica is

38. She's not your grandmother is she?

39. Gam-Gam's name is Ruth, Jim

40. You should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time

41. Jessica is my super serious girlfriend,

42. who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy.

43. Only thing that's not serious by the way, our repartee

44. That's great When you know, you know

45. Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?

46. Totally out of your league

47. So, in summation, ho ho

48. please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe

49. is not an excuse for sexual assault

50. And don't go near Gam-Gam

51. I love Jessica, and l haven't even met her yet

52. It's like, we don't even need to meet, you know?

53. I already love you. Stay home

54. I just want you to know that I will be mean

55. to Jessica, if you want me to be

56. Oh, no, no, it's fine, Kelly

57. It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her.

58. That's okay I don't want you to do that

59. Hello

60. Merry Christmas, Erin

61. Kelly, happy Pancha Ganapati

62. Ew. What is that?

63. The five day Hindu celebration in December

64. honouring the god Ganesh patron of the arts

65. Cool

66. Hey, man. Hey

67. How you holding up?

68. Because of your wife leaving you

69. Kevin

70. I actually appreciate the human intimacy.

71. I feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla

72. Yeah

73. It's been 10 days since I had sexual intercourse

74. Well, you came to the right place.

75. It... This party will cheer you right up

76. I hope so. The corporate party was wretched

77. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas

78. It's rock and roll for people who don't like rock and roll.

79. It's rap for people who don't like rap

80. It's pop for people who don't like pop

81. Ah

82. Heartbreaking

83. Oh. Thank you

84. Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off and put on my hard ass hat

85. but this is serious

86. It's come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless

87. wants to switch desk clumps

88. Fine with me. Jim can leave any time he wants

89. Good-bye Wasn't me

90. It wasn't either of you

91. Cathy wants to leave our clump?

92. Don't look. Who it was is not important

93. But she did say that your constant pranking

94. and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy.

95. She or he. I just want to say this is not my fault

96. Okay, the weak always bully the strong

97. contrary to what you see in the media

98. acting in self-defense

99. Occasionally preemptive self-defense

100. Ow! What are you doing? Hey! Hey!

101. Respect the hat

102. Pam never seemed to have a problem with us

103. All right I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand

104. Moe-nay

105. What was it? What is it?

106. Money

107. You both have sizeable Christmas bonuses coming your way

108. If I catch either of you messing with the other

109. I will give both bonuses to the other person

110. Can't do that No, absolutely not.

111. You need consequences Okay, I want you both walking on eggshells.

112. Hi, I'm Jessica. I'm looking for Andy

113. Jessica, yes. We don't say hi. We hug

114. I'm Erin. Sorry. Ooh

115. I hope you feel really welcome We all want you here

116. Oh

117. My ex is meeting my sex

118. Which is always scary

119. You know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis.

120. That's just part of it

121. Hey! Jess, Erin

122. I hope you're not talking about my penis

123. Hi Hi

124. Hey, everyone I want you to meet Jessica

125. She is an assistant cross-country coach at Bryn Mawr.

126. Wow

127. Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist

128. Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office

129. Which is funny, actually because my spine is a mess

130. What? Oh

131. Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did

132. Oh, no

133. Oh, no, it's kicking in

134. Spontaneous scoliosis

135. Oh

136. This thing could take your arm off your head off.

137. You know, just exercise caution

138. Thank you All right

139. All right

140. Oh, yeah

141. and there's a Christmas party upstairs tonight I wanted to tell you about

142. Isn't that just for popsicles?

143. Popsicles?

144. Yeah, like, upstairs people 'Cause you got a stick up your butt.

145. Ah. See, I thought it was because they're all so rich

146. they could eat popsicles all the time

147. What? I... in my

148. Well, you should definitely come The foreman always comes

149. Plus it's fun you know, cookies smoked fish

150. alcohol, people acting stupid

151. You had me at "cookies". I can't wait to find out what they are

152. What should I wear?

153. Oh, it's nice. It's real nice People get dressed up.

154. I will look so handsome for you, Darryl

155. Uh.

156. I'm gonna

157. Dwight really wants my bonus

158. He's trying to entrap me

159. Oh, God, now I can't drink at this thing

160. I get really pranky when I drink

161. Erin, what can I get for you?

162. Do you have cola? Kirkland, if you have it

163. Why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola

164. when you can get some from the kitchen?

165. Did some small part of you want something a little stronger?

166. Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar come and take these shots.

167. Yes

168. Will do

169. The fifth one is for you, Erin You can take it or leave it

170. To take it would be to accept that you're

171. at a party, and you're an adult woman

172. and you have an adventurous spirit

173. To leave it would be fine, too

174. One, two, three Yes

175. Okay

176. Wow

177. Whoo! Hey, hey, nice

178. Jiminy Christmas

179. Jiminy Christmas, indeed

180. Hit her up Oh, yes.

181. Yeah. - Wow

182. Yeah, I just got my replacement credit card

183. Do you want the number? Oh, it's 4-7-9-3

184. 0-0-3-2-3-3-1-3

185. The security code is 9-2-7

186. Okay, great thank you very much

187. Bye

188. So Dwight did take the bait

189. He used my credit card numbers to send a $200 bouquet of flowers

190. to my wife

191. From me

192. Boom

193. Look, it's Christmas so you're allowed...

194. Hello

195. compared to normal

196. You usually dress like a Ghostbuster

197. Okay. I thought you'd wear a sweater

198. Since when does a sweater mean "dressed up"?

199. Am I your grandson?

200. Come on, stay, all right?

201. It's good for people to get to know you.

202. As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars maybe.

203. and then I want a sugar cookie

204. And then I want my nap

205. That's right

206. Thank you

207. She is remarkable

208. Edgy impressions Thank you

209. How many drinks have you had tonight?

210. driving everybody home

211. A thousand Woah!

212. Maybe you should take a break

213. Maybe you should mind your own business

214. Just kidding

215. Ah! I've been attacked

216. Oh, my God. Someone put a porcupine in my drawer

217. Oh, my God

218. Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I reached into my drawer

219. to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder

220. and all of a sudden I was attacked

221. by this bloodthirsty rabid creature.

222. who has access to a porcupine?

223. Or who in this office knows that I have access

224. and is trying to set me up?

225. Hmm You know, this sounds a lot like the premise

226. of my latest Chad Flenderman novel

227. A Murder for Framing.

228. Chad Flenderman. Just an easy-going black guy who knows

229. the streets, yet he also went to Oxford

230. So just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One

231. And he's also the world's leading Egyptologist.

232. Toby, nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective.

233. No, no, no, no, no women chase him. He misses his wife

234. Hello, lacerated hand here, folks

235. Nice try This is ridiculous

236. Oh, is it really?

237. Two separate times you have set me up to believe

238. that I was being recruited by the CIA

239. Three times, actually You see?

240. Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it

241. Andy, you've got to be kidding me

242. Fingerprints can be planted

243. You know with a severed hand

244. Do you think that's what happened?

245. Do you think he used a severed hand?

246. Okay, you know what why don't we just call Animal Control?

247. You might want to run that by Angela. 'Cause it's so cute

248. No. Porcupines don't have souls They're like dogs

249. Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin

250. We have a very rabid porcupine in our office

251. Someone should come pick it up.

252. Come down right away

253. I don't know, let me ask Were you quilled?

254. Yes, I was quilled

255. And what's its name? Henrietta

256. Oh

257. What? Uh

258. All right. Get her out of here, Dwight

259. Hey

260. Guys, I just wanted to say Come here.

261. guys are together. Okay?

262. And you both have such beautiful hair

263. Thank you

264. And who knows? Maybe at the wedding I meet someone.

265. Okay

266. And later on tonight I hope I see you guys kiss

267. Yay.

268. Okay, well, I'm gonna go do another reverse spit.

269. That's how the coo kids say "get a drink.'

270. That's... That's the girl you dated?

271. Yeah, she's not always like that. It's

272. No, she seems fun

273. Yeah, excuse me. Okay

274. Hey Hey

275. Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?

276. Every martini has an olive

277. Okay

278. Maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something

279. I don't want to put you out but if someone's making oatmeal

280. I'll take an apple cinnamon

281. and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk

282. Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish

283. Okay It's about you.

284. That's not what it should be It should just be like a trinket or something

285. It's that I wish Jessica was dead

286. You mean you wish she wasn't here or something

287. I wish she was in a graveyard under the ground

288. with worms coming out of her mouth

289. Hey, you know, you can't say that, okay?

290. That's my girlfriend that you're talking about

291. You and I are not together anymore

292. You need to get over it Take your wish back.

293. Too late. It's already been wished

294. And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an e-ma

295. So which one are you a murderer or a liar?

296. Hey Hey

297. So there was talk of oatmeal

298. You know, don't listen to what anyone is saying

299. You look like a princess

300. Yeah Thanks.

301. Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt I just found this on my desk

302. and need to talk to somebody about it

303. Can you believe that?

304. Is that Cece? Yes, it is

305. Oh, man. That's awful

306. Cece is Jim's daughter

307. Oh, my God

308. How could somebody do that?

309. I know. I mean the way I see it is

310. you can deface any picture of me

311. Any one. Pick one Not my kid, though

312. Who did this? Who did this?

313. Do you know who did this? I don't

314. Dwight? Yeah, he did

315. What? No He should pay.

316. He is gonna pay This is fire-able.

317. Okay - It's... I mean...

318. Let me just see it one more time

319. You know what? I know who my friends are now

320. But I shouldn't have got you involved

321. Because the truth is I don't even really care about this picture

322. It's a little out of focus

323. It was probably an accident right? Like...

324. That's no accident

325. Right. You're right So maybe it was me who did it By accident.

326. What? I'll figure it out

327. Get to the bottom of it Merry merry.

328. Enough of this garbage

329. This is Christmas

330. Christmas

331. You all right, Santa?

332. You know those movies where two friends

333. are sleeping together and it's like

334. hey, can they stay friends?

335. Yes

336. Do you think two friends who are

337. not sleeping together can stay friends?

338. Two friends who are not sleeping together

339. can they remain friends? Yes, yeah.

340. No. l... I don't know

341. Okay By the way

342. I'm not gonna mess with your and Dwight's bonuses

343. causing more problems

344. So just be yourselves have fun,

345. and try not to let it affect your work

346. All right I will definitely do that

347. All right. I'll tell Dwight

348. You know what? You're sitting and thinking

349. And it's probably better if it comes from me anyway

350. Christmas miracles do happen

351. Yes, they totally do

352. You can't click on these Kardashian links

353. That's why you have so many viruses

354. Well, help me, okay?

355. I'm trying, but

356. You need to... Kelly

357. Yo. On it. Game on

358. I don't know what I was thinking, it was awful. Awful

359. Jessica, did you just fart?

360. And that is how it's done

361. Let's you and I take a walk Oscar, you're in charge of the bar

362. What? I haven't bartended in forever

363. Never considered myself a mixologist

364. Oh, this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar pestle, muddler

365. Does anyone have any chocolate shavings?

366. Your heart is broken

367. So's mine And?

368. And what?

369. And do you have any advice or anything...

370. Oh, my God. to help me feel better?

371. I've been married thrice and each

372. has ended in an acrimonious divorce

373. I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice

374. I was hoping you were going to make me feel better

375. When you do your makeup, how long does it take usually? 'Cause

376. It depends

377. Chad Flenderman's kryptonite...

378. Woah

379. We got a real Clarence Thomas here

380. Hi

381. I'll see you at home. Okay Okay, great.

382. Perfect. Bye

383. get why you can't

384. just call her a cab and pay for it

385. I would, it just... That wasn't the holiday wish

386. Either he drives or I drive and now I'm drunk and mad

387. Okay, bye Okay, bye

388. All right, come on, Meredith

389. Bye. Thank you, Santa

390. You bet

391. Thank God Erin's getting a ride home with Robert

392. 'cause she is trashed

393. And who better to drive her home than Robert?

394. a stand up guy, you know

395. I mean he's going through a lot. Separating from his wife

396. showing up at the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer

397. Let's go, let's go MEREDITH I'm coming, I'm coming.

398. I'm coming, I'm coming

399. Hang on. All right

400. Woah! My stuff What? What is all that?

401. It's my valuables

402. It's junk

403. This is my treasures No, they're my treasures

404. You're a hoarder. My God

405. No, I'm not! I'm gonna sell it on eBay

406. No, no, no, you be careful

407. Be careful Ah! My Santa suit's stuck.

408. What are we gonna do with all that bonus money Henrietta, huh?

409. Where are we? This ain't my street

410. Oh. This is the posh part of town, huh?

411. Oh, my God

412. Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood.

413. Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now

414. Erin, it was great fun tonight.

415. Take a few aspirin, drink a whole lot of water sleep in in the morning.

416. Thank you. Good night

417. What are you smiling for?

418. You thinking what I'm thinking?

419. I'm sure I am not

420. Let's get you home

421. Ow

422. Take it easy

423. Oh, man

424. Fell asleep. Took a nap

425. Hey, guys I feel refreshed now

426. How's it going? Dwight

427. Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now

428. Mmm. Cookies

429. What's everyone staring at?

430. Oh, man I was supposed to tell Dwight something

431. Come on, Jim