The Office 8x1

Directed by B.J. Novak

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Robert California stops by for the first time as CEO and leaves behind a mysterious list that has a line down the middle and every member of the office on either one side or the other. The office members frantically try to figure out what it means. Meanwhile, the new manager Andy faces a crisis.

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1. Oh, for god's sake

2. Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend

3. Basically you lie like a plank in weird places

4. That's it.

5. Sometimes you get run over

6. Welcome to the Internet

7. Planking is one of those things where

8. hey, you either get it or you don't

9. And I don't. But I am so excited to be a part of it.

10. After you my good sir

11. No, I insist

12. The search committee finally decided,

13. after a lot of deliberation

14. on Robert California for the manager position

15. Who took one look around and left.

16. He drove down to Florida and convinced Jo to make him C.E.O

17. C.E.O. Her own job

18. He talked her out of her own job

19. and I don't really know how someone does that

20. but anyway then the position was his to fill

21. and he chose

22. It's unbelievable

23. True. I may have been tee second choice,

24. but I was the first choice's first choice.

25. And about Dwight,

26. have some resentment about not getting the job

27. so I sat him down and we had a talk

28. And I told him, "I need a really strong number two

29. "I want you to be my enforcer.'

30. Smart, right? Very smart

31. This has got to stop

32. Hey! Kevin

33. Yeah, at first I was really disappointed

34. But I've got a great daily routine going right now

35. I've upped my karate to eight times a week.

36. I've added boxing at lunches and on weekends,

37. I do kick-boxing three times a week, Krav Maga four times a week,

38. an hour of meditation every morning at sunrise,

39. and again at sunset.

40. So yeah I'm doing great

41. I'm going to need some help. Pam?

42. Oh, yeah. Pregnant

43. Right here. Little Michael Scott

44. Nope. I told you I don't like that joke

45. It is a boy. We found out early

46. Much different the second time around

47. And I have to say it is nice not being

48. the only pregnant woman in the office

49. Look, it's "little pregs" and "big pregs."

50. Wait, when did we start calling each other

51. Isn't it amazing the difference in our sizes?

52. Well, I am a few months ahead of you

53. I'm having a child with my husband the senator

54. And Pam is having a child with Jim The great salesman

55. Hoist him aloft

56. Come on, Darryl, lift Lift, Darryl

57. Come on, man

58. Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got something much better

59. This soda

60. This is mine

61. It might be easier if you take a deep breath lift from the knees,

62. and shove it up your butt

63. a new thing this summer

64. I act like I'm telling someone how to do something.

65. a long description and then I say...

66. And shove it up your butt

67. It's stupid, but it's my thing now

68. No one should be planking at all.

69. Thank you. Yes

70. Dwight my enforcer, my number two can you take care of this?

71. Say no more

72. Kids, don't try planking it's dangerous.

73. Especially with me around

74. Are you watching that commercial again?

75. Why do you keep watching it if you know it's just going to make you cry?

76. Because everything makes me cry so what's the difference?

77. This dog he just wants to protect his bone

78. He's got a bank vault That's a start.

79. Not enough, though

80. All right

81. The new C.E.O. works out of the conference room about half the time

82. but whenever he takes a break he does these weird walks around the office.

83. And you never know who he's going to zero in on

84. for these really intense small talks

85. You just hope it's not you.

86. And yet you hope it is you, too It's strange

87. Here we go. Hello

88. Robert California. Let's have a conversation

89. Describe your day so far

90. Well, I woke up and

91. When you recount your day, never say you woke up

92. It's a waste of your time

93. That's how every day has begun for everyone since the dawn of man.

94. Very smart Very smart

95. Suddenly, I was awake and I...

96. Hey, Robert We have that 9:30 A.M. casual chit chat scheduled

97. I emailed you about it last eight to confirm. And again this morning

98. First item on the agenda can I get everyone

99. an extra long Columbus Day weekend?

100. Item number two, connect with the guy

101. Robert California, what does he think of me?

102. Don't know Super care.

103. Number three, time permitting we lost our biggest client.

104. Pam. Pam Past! Pam.

105. Jim

106. Can I call you right back? Thank you very much.

107. Okay

108. What is this?

109. The Friday before Columbus Day, thoughts?

110. What are your thoughts?

111. Just making chit-chat

112. Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no?

113. What are you looking at?

114. It's nothing

115. It can't be nothing Yeah, it can't be nothing.

116. It's just a list of our names split into two columns

117. What?

118. Okay, just wait one second all right? I will copy it

119. Do you have a pen? No

120. No

121. Okay. Um, I'll take a photo of it.

122. Dwight, can you throw me my phone?

123. Nice catch

124. If he comes out distract him.

125. We need a warning signal

126. We don't need a warning signal, Kevin

127. We can see him right there. - We do.

128. don't need a...

129. Warning! Warning Warning! Warning! Warning

130. Phyllis! Phyllis

131. You okay?

132. You okay? Yeah. Yeah.

133. One, two, three

134. Thanks, guys

135. Okay. Which side of the list am I on?

136. Left Yes

137. Why are you... How do you know?

138. Really great list of names, guys

139. Thank you so much Good work.

140. No, actually, that was in Robert's notebook.

141. He left it at reception and we photocopied it

142. Oh

143. Okay. I don't want any part of this.

144. Maybe it's the list of people he's going to fire.

145. Okay. It's not that, Pam

146. You know I was thinking it reminds me

147. of those lists Dwight used to make

148. This is if we were a on a cruise ship

149. and had to divide into life boats.

150. And this is if we were on a cruise ship

151. and had to divide into life rafts.

152. Here's something "Who would eat who in an Alive situation?'

153. No. That can't be it

154. I gotta say

155. it kind of seems like the left side is the side to be on

156. Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl no offense, Pam.

157. Excuse me?

158. Shh. Pam, come on Don't be such a right-sider.

159. Did you guys figure it out? We couldn't crack it

160. Go in there, just ask the man what it means

161. He'll know that we looked at his private notebook

162. Come on Just say you saw the list by accident

163. I'm already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys

164. And it's starting to stack up.

165. It feels like a lot One thing at a time

166. Yeah, that's all you had to do today is ask about Columbus Day?

167. Yes. For god's sake Andy, yes. Come in.

168. What's up?

169. Weird thing. Totally awkward

170. But you left your notebook on the reception desk.

171. Great. Thank you

172. And it was open

173. and people saw this

174. and they're just kind of going nuts and, like...

175. What is this?

176. wondering what it is

177. It's a photocopy from your notebook

178. You read my notebook? And photocopied it and distributed it?

179. No. They did. And they asked me to ask you about it

180. Please

181. Oh

182. Here's what it is it's a doodle.

183. What?

184. Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run

185. They draw houses, penises

186. funny how the houses are always colonials

187. and the penises are always circumcised

188. Don't you think?

189. Well, I doodle too but I'm not an artist so I draw words and lists

190. That is fascinating

191. And by the way I am so glad I asked

192. People were just sort of... Did you just move my name?

193. Might as well have been sketching a cube

194. Okay, Robert's in the annex everybody think quick

195. What do these groups have in common?

196. Maybe we're supposed to do it with people in our group.

197. That's not it

198. People in the other group

199. Mmm. Still wrong

200. Stanley, you do puzzles all day What do we got?

201. Well, you take the first letter from each name

202. assign it a number add them all up,

203. and shove it up your butt

204. Thank you, a little much needed comic relief

205. But we really need to figure this out, guys

206. It's alphabetical

207. No, it's not

208. Here's how we find out

209. Let's line up and compare the lines

210. see if we learn anything, okay?

211. Left-siders over here right-siders line up over here,

212. face each other

213. Match up by height and relative weight

214. Let's just size each other up here

215. And left side of the list

216. attack

217. Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop!

218. Will you stop?

219. Dwight

220. Don't do it

221. What are you doing? Stop!

222. Warning! Warning! Warning

223. I'd like to invite the following people to join me for lunch.

224. Jim, Dwight

225. Angela, Darryl

226. Kevin, Toby Phyllis, Oscar

227. That's great. Let's do this, guys

228. All right. Well, I will see you in a bit

229. Hey, it's nothing all right?

230. I'll text you when we get there

231. I'll let you know what's going on Okay

232. No. No dog video

233. Okay Okay.

234. See you, guys

235. Well, we should a be really excited about

236. our very own pizza party

237. Pizza party Pizza party. Pizza party.

238. Jim, your daughter Cecelia what does she think of the Street?

239. The street?

240. Sesame Street.

241. Oh. I didn't know anybody called it

242. She likes it a lot

243. She loves Elmo

244. Elmo, God save us the Elmo era

245. Right?

246. Sesame Street was created to reflect

247. the environment of the children watching it

248. Complete self absorption of Elmo

249. is brilliantly reflective of our time

250. Ours is a cultural ghetto Wouldn't you agree?

251. Yeah. She does like Elmo

252. Cultural ghetto? Totally agree

253. Completely

254. Apt. Apt analysis, Robert

255. The thing that l like about Elmo is the tickling

256. I don't know I was in the wrong...

257. I'm... I'm sorry

258. Just picture me back there. I was never here

259. Great group Pizza party.

260. How is this a pizza party?

261. Well, why don't you ask me again

262. when the five pizzas get here?

263. Yeah, well, that's just pizza

264. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.

265. Okay. Have you guys ever had margarita pizza?

266. What's that?

267. Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.

268. That's pizza

269. That's regular pizza

270. You know, I fee comfortable enough now to ask you this question,

271. what made you pick this group?

272. I just think you guys are winners

273. and I wanted to have lunch with you

274. Okay

275. Aw.

276. What about the other guys?

277. Losers? Come on. Oh, I don't know

278. Come on. Come on

279. I guess I think they're losers.

280. I knew it

281. Yes

282. Probably shouldn't have said that

283. Whoo-hoo

284. Ah-ha! Their interpretation of margherita pizza

285. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.

286. A text from Jim

287. "This is getting very weird Will explain later."

288. Text from Kevin

289. "Suck it, losers.'

290. RYAN Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious,

291. but doesn't the fact that lama in this group

292. make anyone feel just a little bit better?

293. Oh, this crust is sharp

294. and sort of funny

295. and I could do those cute little cartoons

296. and everyone who came through here was like,

297. "Who's that receptionist? I like her."

298. Now I'm just a fat mom

299. Yeah, and you take one look at me and you're like, "Oh, loser."

300. Come here, Pam

301. Chins up, okay?

302. Bad joke

303. Look around this room

304. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously.

305. Oh, god

306. Oh, hey, guys we had so much fun.

307. We had marguerite pizza

308. We all hung out and got to know each other better

309. How was your lunch?

310. It was excellent. Good times

311. Yeah? Yeah.

312. Oh, we did. It was the best time

313. And you know what? Now it's over back to work, everyone

314. You too, Andy

315. I knew it.

316. that everyone was wrong about me.

317. My parents, my teachers, my friends the doctors, everyone.

318. Well, that was certainly an odd lunch

319. Is everything all right?

320. Yeah, I'm fine

321. Just take the casserole out of the

322. Loser

323. Take it out of the refrigerator, put it in the oven

324. It'll be fine Just leave it in for 20 minutes

325. Loser

326. When I was a salesman I could just be like,

327. "Not my job, not my prob I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob."

328. Metaphorically, of course

329. But now, it is my job and my prob

330. Hi, Robert

331. Can you come out here, please? It's really important.

332. clarify something

333. Some people here are under the misconception

334. that some people may be considered

335. let's say top tier

336. and others would be second tier.

337. Thank you. Great

338. I said winners and losers Is that what you're talking about?

339. Oh, that might That actually might be what I'm thinking of.

340. Can you clarify that?

341. Let me tell you some things I find productive

342. Positive reinforcement

343. negative reinforcement

344. Honesty

345. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive

346. Constantly worrying about where you stand

347. based on inscrutable social clues

348. and then inevitably reframing it a in a reassuring way

349. so that you can get to sleep at night.

350. No, I do not believe in that at all

351. If I invited you to lunch I think you're a winner

352. If I didn't, I don't

353. But I just met you all

354. Life is long, opinions change

355. Winners, prove me right Losers, prove me wrong

356. Well, I guess that's that

357. No

358. No. No

359. Andy, don't go in there

360. I'm going in there

361. I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse

362. But you don't know these people, and I do

363. And if I let you work with faulty information

364. well then I'm not doing my job as regional manager.

365. So, please take this pen and change your list.

366. I'm not going to change my list, Andy

367. And I don't use ballpoint pens.

368. Well, then I w make a new list for you

369. Stanley, you may think he's a lazy grump

370. but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers

371. of anyone in this office?

372. And you may think he's hard to love

373. but did you know that he's in not one

374. but two long-term romantic relationships?

375. about the sales figures

376. Meredith Palmer, supplier relations

377. The word "no,' not even in her vocabulary

378. And just to show you that I'm being fair,

379. you had Gabe in the loser column

380. Good call

381. Pam

382. easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with.

383. Jim, shut the door This is just gross.

384. Shh

385. Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant

386. A winner if there ever was one

387. Are we done?

388. Yes

389. No

390. The Friday before Columbus Day

391. we're going to take a half-day

392. So that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.

393. You want a three-and-a-half day weekend for Columbus Day?

394. Yes, I do

395. And you are aware that Columbus and his legions

396. committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans?

397. Hey, guys

398. so Columbus Day, we got that half-day on Friday

399. We get that every year

400. Well, you got it this year, too.

401. Good night, Andy Good night.

402. Bye

403. Good night, Andy

404. Good night

405. Night

406. All right, I'm going to go warm up the car

407. Okay Okay.

408. You dropped something. Jim?

409. Okay, I know I've been crying easily today, but

410. I mean, that's just pretty killer, right?

411. I mean, maybe it's stupid

412. No

413. It's wonderful

414. I'm going to frame it