The Office 8x1

Directed by B.J. Novak

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Robert California stops by for the first time as CEO and leaves behind a mysterious list that has a line down the middle and every member of the office on either one side or the other. The office members frantically try to figure out what it means. Meanwhile, the new manager Andy faces a crisis.

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1. Oh, for God's sake.

2. "Planking" is a very stupid and dangerous trend.

3. Basically you lie like a plank in weird places.

4. That's it.

5. Sometimes you get run over.

6. Welcome to the Internet.

7. Planking is one of those things where,

8. hey, you either get it or you don't.

9. [Giggles] And I don't.

10. But I am so excited to be a part of it.

11. [Elevator bell rings]

12. - After you, my good sir. - No, I insist.

13. The search committee finally decided

14. after a lot of deliberation

15. on Robert California for the manager position...

16. - [Coughs] - Who took one look around

17. and left.

18. He drove down to Florida and convinced Jo

19. to make him CEO.

20. CEO...

21. Her own job.

22. He talked her out of her own job

23. and I don't really know how someone does that.

24. But, anyway, then the position was his to fill

25. and he chose...

26. [Tapping on desk]

27. [Laughing] It's unbelievable.

28. True, I might have been the second choice,

29. but I was the first choice's first choice.

30. And, about Dwight, I sense that he might

31. have some resentment about not getting the job.

32. So I sat him down and we had a talk.

33. And I told him, "I need a really strong number two.

34. I want you to be my enforcer."

35. Smart, right? Very smart.

36. [Scoff]

37. - This has got to stop. - I can't get down.

38. Ke-- Kevin!

39. Yeah, at first I was really disappointed.

40. But I've got a great daily routine going right now.

41. I've upped my karate to eight times a week.

42. I've added boxing, lunches and on weekends.

43. I do kickboxing three times a week,

44. krav maga four times a week,

45. an hour of meditation every morning at sunrise,

46. and again at sunset.

47. So yeah... I'm doing great.

48. Okay, I'm going to need some help. Pam?

49. - I don't think I should. - [Grunts]

50. Oh, yeah, pregnant.

51. Right here. Little Michael Scott.

52. Nope. I told you I don't like that joke.

53. It is a boy-- We found out early.

54. Much different the second time around.

55. And I have to say, it is nice

56. not being the only pregnant woman in the office.

57. Look! It's, uh, little pregs and big pregs.

58. Wait, when did we start calling...

59. Isn't it amazing, the difference in our sizes?

60. Well, I am a few months ahead of you.

61. I'm having a child with my husband the senator,

62. and Pam is having a child with Jim...

63. The great salesman.

64. - Hoist him aloft! - [Grunts]

65. Come on, Darryl!

66. Lift, lift, Darryl. Yeah, come on, man...

67. Yeah, I wanted the manager job,

68. but I got something much better...

69. This soda.

70. This is mine.

71. It might be easier if you take a deep breath,

72. lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt.

73. - [Laughter] - [Grunts]

74. I came up with a new thing this summer.

75. I act like I'm telling someone how to do something.

76. I go on with a long description

77. and then I say, "and shove it up your butt!"

78. [Chuckles]

79. It's stupid, but it's my thing now.

80. No one should be planking at all.

81. Thank you. Yes.

82. Dwight, my enforcer, my number two,

83. can you take care of this?

84. Say no more.

85. [Door bangs]

86. [Extinguisher ferociously whooshes]

87. [Screams]

88. Kids, don't try planking.

89. It's dangerous.

90. Especially with me around.

91. [Cheerful music]

92. Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com

93. [Ray Lamontagne's Trouble plays through speakers]

94. - ♪ Trouble ♪ - [Sniffles]

95. ♪ Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble... ♪

96. Are you watching that commercial again?

97. Why do you keep watching it

98. if you know it's just going to make you cry?

99. Because everything makes me cry,

100. so what's the difference?

101. And this dog...

102. He just wants to protect his bone.

103. He's got a bank vault, that's a start.

104. [Sobbing] Not enough, though.

105. All right. [Door claps open]

106. [Sniffles]

107. [Door clanks shut]

108. The new CEO works out of the conference room

109. about half the time.

110. But whenever he takes a break,

111. he does these weird walks around the office.

112. And you never know who he's going to zero in on

113. for these really intense small talks.

114. You just hope it's not you.

115. And yet you hope it is you too.

116. It's strange.

117. [Whispers] Here we go.

118. - Hello. - Robert California.

119. Let's have a conversation.

120. Describe your day so far.

121. Well, I woke up, and--

122. Erin, when you recount your day,

123. never say you woke up, it's a waste of your time.

124. That's how every day has begun

125. for everyone since the dawn of man.

126. Very smart. Very smart.

127. Suddenly... I was awake.

128. And I have a new thing-- - Hey, Robert.

129. We have that 9:30 A.M. casual chitchat scheduled.

130. I emailed you about it last night to confirm.

131. And again this morning.

132. First item on the agenda-- Can I get everyone

133. an extra long Columbus day weekend?

134. Item number two-- Connect with the guy.

135. Robert California-- What does he think of me?

136. Don't know. Super care.

137. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.

138. Uh, nope, I actually have that on last month's order.

139. [Door claps shut] Oh, sure. Yeah.

140. [Softly] Yeah on that.

141. [Whispers] Pam! Pam! Psst!

142. Pam!

143. - Come here. - [Jim muttering]

144. - Look... - [Whispers] Jim!

145. [Jim muttering]

146. Can I call you right back?

147. Thank you very much.

148. [Phone clacks down] Okay.

149. What is this?

150. The Friday before Columbus day-- Thoughts?

151. What are your thoughts?

152. Just making chitchat.

153. Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no?

154. [Whispering] See? I think that...

155. What are you looking at?

156. It's-- it's nothing.

157. - Can't be nothing. - Yeah, it can't be nothing.

158. [Softly] It's just a list of our names

159. split into two columns. What?

160. Okay, just wait one second, all right?

161. I will copy it.

162. Do you have a pen?

163. - No. - No.

164. Okay. Um, I'll take a photo of it.

165. Dwight, can you throw me my phone?

166. [Phone crashes, glass shatters]

167. Nice catch.

168. If he comes out, distract him.

169. We need a warning signal.

170. We don't need a warning signal, Kevin.

171. I can see him right there. We do!

172. - I promise you, we don't need-- - Warning! Warning!

173. Warning! Warning! [Phyllis screams]

174. All: Phyllis!

175. - Oh. - You okay?

176. Here, watch your neck. [Phyllis groans]

177. - You okay? - Yeah, yeah. Oh!

178. [All grunting]

179. Thanks, guys.

180. Wow.

181. [Door clicks shut] [Whispers] Okay.

182. What side of the list am I on?

183. - Left. - Yes!

184. Why are you-- How do you know--

185. Really great list of names, guys.

186. Thank you so much. Good work.

187. Uh, no. Actually, that was in Robert's notebook.

188. He left it at reception and we photocopied it.

189. O-oo-kay. [Desk drawer claps shut]

190. I don't want any part of this.

191. [Whining] Maybe it's a list of people he's going to fire.

192. Okay, it's not that, Pam.

193. You know, I was thinking it reminds me

194. of those lists Dwight used to make.

195. This is if we were all on a cruise ship

196. and had to divide into lifeboats.

197. And this is if we were on a cruise ship

198. and had to divide into life rafts.

199. Here's something.

200. Who would eat who in alive situation.

201. No. That can't be it.

202. I got to say, kind of seems like

203. the left side's the side to be on--

204. me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense, Pam.

205. - No, I don't think so. - Excuse me?

206. Shh! Pam, come on.

207. Don't be such a right-sider.

208. - Did you guys figure it out? - We couldn't crack it.

209. Go in there and just ask the man what it means.

210. He'll know that we looked at his private notebook.

211. Come on, just say you saw the list by accident.

212. I'm already working on this Columbus day thing for you guys.

213. And it's starting to stack up-- feels like a lot.

214. One thing at a time.

215. That's all you had to do today,

216. is ask about Columbus day?

217. [Rhythmic knocking]

218. Yes-- for God's sake, Andy-- yes, come in.

219. [Sing-songy] What's up?

220. [Clears his throat] Weird thing...

221. Totally awkward...

222. But you left your notebook on the reception desk...

223. Great. Thank you.

224. And-- [Clears his throat]

225. It was open... And people saw this,

226. and they're just kind of going nuts, and like...

227. - What is this? - Wondering what it is.

228. It's a photocopy from your notebook.

229. You read my notebook, and-- and photocopied it,

230. and distributed it.

231. [Guffaws] No.

232. They did, and they asked me to ask about it.

233. [Scoffs] Please.

234. Here's what it is. It's a doodle.

235. [Titters] What?

236. Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run.

237. They draw houses, penises...

238. Funny how the houses are always colonials,

239. and the penises are always circumcised,

240. don't you think?

241. Well, I doodle too.

242. But I'm not an artist, so I draw words and lists.

243. [Guffaws] That is fascinating.

244. And by the way, I am so glad I asked.

245. People were just sort of-- Did you just move my name?

246. Might as well have been sketching a cube.

247. [Notebook slaps shut]

248. Okay. Everybody think, quick. What do these groups have in common?

249. Maybe we're supposed to do it with people in our group.

250. That's not it.

251. - People in the other group? - Mm-mm. Still wrong.

252. Stanley, you do puzzles all day. What do we got?

253. Well, you take the first letter from each name,

254. assign it a number, add 'em all up,

255. and shove it up your butt! [Laughs]

256. - Thank you. A little much-needed comic relief.

257. But we really need to figure this out, guys.

258. I know! It's alphabetical.

259. All: No. No, it's not.

260. Here's how we find out. Let's line up,

261. and compare the line, see if we learn anything, okay?

262. Left-siders, over here. Right-siders line up over here.

263. Face each other.

264. Match up by height and relative weight.

265. Let's just size each other up here,

266. and left side of the list...

267. Attack! Wait, wait, wait.

268. Stop, stop, stop. [Ladies scream]

269. Will you stop? [All screaming]

270. Dwight! Dwight! Go for it!

271. [Overlapping shouts]

272. Stop, stop. Warning! Warning! Warning!

273. [Indistinct chatter]

274. I'd like to invite the following people

275. to join me for lunch--

276. Jim, Dwight, Angela, Darryl,

277. Kevin, Toby, Phyllis, Oscar.

278. That's great! [Claps]

279. Let's do this, guys!

280. All right.

281. Well, I will see you in a bit.

282. [Voice breaks] I love you so much.

283. Hey, it's nothing, all right?

284. Text you when we get there

285. and let you know what's going on.

286. - Okay. - No. No dog video.

287. - Okay. - Okay. See you guys.

288. Well, we should all be really excited

289. about our... Very own pizza party.

290. Pizza party!

291. ♪ Pizza party ♪

292. ♪ pizza party... ♪

293. Jim, your daughter Cecilia--

294. What does she think of the street?

295. - Uh, the street? - Sesame Street.

296. Oh! I didn't know anybody... called--

297. She likes it a lot.

298. She, uh, loves elmo.

299. Elmo. God save us-- The Elmo era.

300. - Right? - Sesame Street was created

301. to reflect the environment of the children watching it.

302. The complete self-absorption of Elmo

303. is brilliantly reflective of our time.

304. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree?

305. Yeah. She does like elmo.

306. "Cultural ghetto"?

307. Totally, totally agree.

308. - Completely. - Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.

309. The thing that I like about elmo

310. is the tickling.

311. I should not be here.

312. I'm in the-- I was in the wrong--

313. I'm...I'm sorry.

314. Uh, just picture me back there.

315. I-I was never here.

316. - Great group! Pizza party! - How is this a pizza party?

317. Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here?

318. Yeah, well that's just pizza.

319. You need at least one other element

320. for it to be a party. Okay.

321. You guys ever had Margarita pizza?

322. - What's that? - Fresh tomato,

323. with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.

324. - That's pizza. - That's regular pizza.

325. You know, I feel comfortable enough now

326. to ask you this question.

327. What made you pick... This group?

328. I just think you guys are winners,

329. and I wanted to have lunch with you.

330. Okay.

331. All: Aww.

332. Well, what about the other guys?

333. - Losers? Come on. - Oh, come on.

334. - Come on, come on. - No. Well...

335. I guess I think they're losers.

336. Ah, I knew it. Yes!

337. Probably shouldn't have said that.

338. Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

339. Aha-oo! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza.

340. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.

341. [Phone buzzes]

342. Oh, text from Jim.

343. "This is getting very weird.

344. Will explain later."

345. [Ringtones and buzzing]

346. Oh, text from Kevin.

347. "Suck it, losers."

348. Okay, now clearing the obvious, but doesn't the fact

349. that I'm in this group

350. make anyone feel just a little bit better?

351. [Chomps] Oh, this crust is sharp!

352. I used to be young and cute

353. and sort of funny, and...

354. I could do those cute, little cartoons.

355. And everyone who came through here was like...

356. "Who's that receptionist? I like her."

357. Now I'm just a fat mom. [Sniffles] Yeah.

358. And you take one look at me

359. and you're like, "oh, loser."

360. Come here, Pam.

361. Chins up, okay? [Snickers]

362. Bad joke.

363. Look around this room.

364. Does this look like a group of losers?

365. Seriously. [Pam sniffles]

366. Oh. Oh, God.

367. [Pam sobs, door clicks open]

368. Oh!

369. Hey, guys, we had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza.

370. We all hung out and got to know each other better.

371. How was your lunch?

372. - It was excellent. - Good times.

373. - Yeah? Yeah? - Oh, we did.

374. It was the best time.

375. And you know what?

376. Now it's over. Back to work everyone.

377. You too, Andy.

378. I knew it.

379. I just knew, my whole life,

380. that everyone was wrong about me--

381. my parents, my teachers,

382. my friends, the doctors--

383. everyone.

384. [Quietly] Well, that was certainly

385. an odd lunch. [Sighs]

386. Is everything all right?

387. Yeah, I'm fine.

388. Just-- just take the--

389. take the casserole out of the--

390. - Loser. - Take it out

391. of the refrigerator and put it in the oven.

392. Uh, it'll be fine. Just leave it in

393. for 20 minutes. [lmitates shooting]

394. - Loser. - Losers.

395. When I was a salesman, I could just be like,

396. "not my job, not my prob.

397. I'm going to the warehouse to Polish my knob."

398. Metaphorically, of course.

399. But now... It is my job,

400. and my prob.

401. [Knocks] Hi, Robert?

402. Can you come out here please?

403. It's really important.

404. [Clears throat]

405. Just wanted to clarify something.

406. Some people here are under the misconception

407. that some people may be considered,

408. uh, let's say top-tier,

409. and others would be...

410. Second-tier. - I never said that.

411. Thank you. Great.

412. I said "winners" and "losers."

413. Is that what you're talking about?

414. Oh, that might-- that actually might be...

415. What I'm thinking of.

416. - Can you clarify that? - Let me tell you some things

417. I find productive.

418. Positive reinforcement,

419. negative reinforcement,

420. honesty.

421. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive.

422. Constantly worrying about where you stand

423. based on inscrutable social clues,

424. and then inevitably reframing it all

425. in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night.

426. No, I do not believe in that at all.

427. If I invited you to lunch, I think you're a winner.

428. If I didn't, I don't.

429. But I just met you all.

430. Life is long. Opinions change.

431. Winners, prove me right.

432. Losers, prove me wrong.

433. Whew!

434. Well, I guess that's that.

435. No. No, no.

436. Andy, don't go in there!

437. I'm going in there.

438. I know that every time I talk to you,

439. things just seem to get worse.

440. But, you don't know these people and I do.

441. And if I let you work with faulty information,

442. well then I'm not doing my job as regional manager.

443. So...Please take this pen and change your list.

444. I'm not going to change my list, Andy,

445. and I don't use ballpoint pens.

446. [Pen clicks] Well, then

447. I will make a new list for you.

448. [Sighs]

449. Stanley--

450. You may think he's a lazy grump,

451. but did you know that he has the most consistently high

452. sales numbers of anyone in this office?

453. And you may think he's hard to love,

454. but did you know that he's in, not one,

455. but two long-term romantic relationships?

456. I did not know about the sales figures.

457. Meredith Palmer, supplier relations--

458. The word "no," not even in her vocabulary.

459. And just to show you that I'm being fair, you had Gabe

460. in the loser column. I think that is...

461. Astute. Good call.

462. Pam-- Easily the most creative

463. and kind person I have ever worked with.

464. Jim, shut the door.

465. This is just gross. Shh!

466. Erin Hannon-- The receptionist and my closest confidante--

467. a winner if there ever was one.

468. I like my new group.

469. I liked my old group.

470. - Are we done? - Yes. No.

471. The Friday before Columbus day

472. we're going to take a half-day

473. so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.

474. You want a 3 1/2 day weekend for Columbus day.

475. Yes, I do.

476. And you are aware that Columbus and his legions

477. committed genocide against an entire civilization

478. of native Americans.

479. I don't care.

480. Hey, guys!

481. So Columbus day-- We got that half-day on Friday.

482. We get that every year.

483. Well, you got it this year too.

484. - Good night, Andy. - Good night.

485. Good-bye.

486. Good night, Andy.

487. - Good night. - Good night.

488. [Ray Lamontagne's Trouble plays through speakers]

489. All right, I'm going to go warm up the car.

490. - Okay. - Okay.

491. Oh, uh, you dropped something!

492. Jim!

493. Okay, I know I've been crying easily today, but...

494. I mean, that's just pretty killer, right?

495. I mean, maybe it's stupid.

496. No. It's wonderful.

497. I'm gonna frame it.

498. I can always unframe.