The Office 7x9

1. Uh-oh. Okay, okay, nobody panic.

2. Listen up, listen up.

3. Everyone, follow me to the shelter.

4. We've got enough food for 14 days.

5. After that, we have a difficult conversation.

6. My bad.

7. Space heater and fan were both on high,

8. plugged into the same outlet, so...

9. Uh, it's saying the server went down?

10. Does anybody know that password?

11. 'Cause otherwise, we can't do any work.

12. Uh... try "password."

13. Nope.

14. Try zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero.

15. No.

16. Okay, now try zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, one.

17. Okay, I'm not doing every number.

18. Wait, um, does anyone remember when it was set up?

19. Uh... it was, like, eight years ago?

20. "Lord of the Rings" stuff?

21. I don't know, I'm just trying to think of things

22. that were happening at the time.

23. Um, everyone was getting their driver's license.

24. Why don't we just call the IT guy who set it up?

25. What's the name of the guy in the glasses, again?

26. Okay, moving backwards, our IT guys have been...

27. Glasses, Turban, Ear Hair,

28. Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge,

29. and Fatso.

30. I think Lozenge was the one who installed it.

31. I got it. Try, um—

32. You know what? It made me laugh when I heard it,

33. - but Pam got really offended. - Oh, big boobs.

34. - Drama queen? - Nosy?

35. - You're typing "big boobs"? - I'm trying everything.

36. Try "big boobz" with a Z.

37. That's—

38. The password. We're in.

39. - All right. - Wow.

40. - Yes. - The important thing is...

41. This kept us secure, people.

42. Just get another extension.

43. At some point, somebody is going to have to step up

44. and do my taxes, and it is not going to be me.

45. Hey, Michael. Can I talk to you for a sec?

46. Absolutely.

47. Get out. Do your job.

48. - What— - Yes.

49. It's about WUPHF. Is that cool?

50. Yeah, yeah, as long as you're here

51. to tell me I'm a billionaire.

52. On your way, man, on your way.

53. - I'm a millionaire. - On your way.

54. Yeah.

55. I think the last time we spoke about WUPHF,

56. it must've just been a prototype.

57. Well, we launched the beta three months ago.

58. The response has been unbelievable.

59. It's gonna be huge.

60. Morning.

61. Looks like your little documentary

62. finally found its star.

63. - Hey, I'm WUPHF. - I'm Facebook.

64. What's up, Facebook?

65. I sent you a Facebook message yesterday,

66. I still haven't heard anything back.

67. You should've sent me a WUPHF.

68. - A what? - When you send a WUPHF,

69. it goes to your home phone, cell phone,

70. email, Facebook, Twitter, and home screen,

71. all at the same time.

72. WUPHF.

73. - WUPHF! - Dot-com!

74. - Thanks, Erin. - Sure.

75. - Hey, Pam. - Mm-hmm?

76. I don't want to be a lousy snitch.

77. Okay.

78. Ryan has been using the color printer for his business a lot,

79. - and as office administrator— - Oh, it's okay.

80. - But it's not for— - Let it go.

81. Yes, I invested in WUPHF.

82. It's actually a really great idea,

83. and I can't believe it didn't exist before.

84. And I know Ryan's kind of a sketchy guy,

85. but, hey, I married Jim.

86. I've done my part for the nice guy.

87. Now I want a bedroom set—

88. One that matches.

89. I think an investors' ski trip, frankly,

90. is the best idea.

91. It will be a bonding experience.

92. I love it.

93. I was looking at a trail map,

94. and I was thinking that we should start on a bunny hill,

95. because I've never actually been skiing,

96. and then work our way up to Death Drop.

97. Great, so we got our first offer to buy the company.

98. You're kidding.

99. We could sell, but why think so small?

100. We can just get a couple more people involved,

101. - really do this thing our way. - You and me, baby.

102. New investors are key, though.

103. That's actually why I came in today.

104. Don't you work here full-time?

105. Today I was thinking I would sit down

106. with a few of the people who haven't invested yet.

107. - Mm-hmm. - Or we could do that together,

108. if that sounds fun to you.

109. That does sound fun to me.

110. Awesome.

111. Oh, this is good hay. Yeah.

112. This is the good stuff— Mattress quality.

113. Every fall, growing up,

114. my uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales

115. for us kids to play in.

116. We called it Hay Place.

117. Eldred called it Hay World.

118. Eventually lawyers were brought in.

119. But that's all behind us.

120. Hay Place lives on.

121. Watch it, watch it.

122. I'm looking for Dwight Schrute.

123. - You must be Sheri, right? - Mm-hmm.

124. Wow. Good. Ample.

125. You'll be playing the role of buxom Mother Harvest.

126. You represent the facundity of the season,

127. and you charge $3 a photo.

128. Holy moly.

129. Do you like dogs?

130. I have, like, eight dogs.

131. Hay Place romances never last.

132. All right, thank you. I will—

133. I will send the contracts over right away.

134. All right.

135. Whoo!

136. I am on the first hot sale streak of my life.

137. I think it all comes from feeding Cece,

138. because no matter how much she resists,

139. I sell her those carrots.

140. Let's be honest—

141. If I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob...

142. I can pretty much sell anything.

143. Commission comes out to...

144. Dunh-duh-na-dah!

145. Zero.

146. Okay, well, it can't be zero, Kev.

147. I entered the sale, and I hit enter,

148. and I said, "dunh-duh-na-dah!"

149. I'm pretty sure I timesed it right.

150. You met your commission cap last week.

151. So, from here until the end of the fiscal year,

152. - your commission will be zero. - What are you talking about?

153. - We—we have a commission cap? - It's a new corporate policy.

154. Oh, I see what I did.

155. Your commission is $2,000,

156. but if I factor in the commission cap,

157. then...

158. Dunh-duh-nah-dah!

159. - Still zero. - Yeah.

160. And...

161. - Let me try again. - No, no.

162. Is this job really about the money for you, Jim?

163. I mean, isn't this where you fell in love?

164. A commission cap takes away my incentive to sell.

165. So you realize I now have no reason to work, right?

166. When you're dealing with a large organization,

167. sometimes you have to put up with policies you don't like.

168. I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room.

169. Okay, some of these old guys walking around naked—

170. It feels almost passive-aggressive.

171. But I deal with it 'cause it's policy.

172. - See what I mean? - Nope.

173. Nudity makes me uncomfortable.

174. - Okay. - My gym allows it.

175. I wish they didn't, but it's policy, so I respect it,

176. and I just—keep a low— You know, I look away.

177. Think about your commission cap

178. as a naked old man in a gym locker room.

179. Excuse me, everyone. Sex!

180. Now that I have your attention...

181. You don't have our attention.

182. Money!

183. I'm listening.

184. - You had me at "sex." - Pervert.

185. You have all of our attention just by screaming anything.

186. That's good to know.

187. What do you want to say, Michael?

188. WUPHF!

189. All right, I've warmed them up for you.

190. You have the floor, Ryan.

191. - How's everybody doing? - Whoo!

192. Good!

193. Now, a lot of you have already staked out

194. your corner of the WUPHF empire.

195. Raise your hand if I'm describing you.

196. Why would I invest with Ryan?

197. It's a really good idea.

198. Aggregators are one of the few things

199. that produce revenue online.

200. Also, the Internet has a history

201. of rewarding annoying white boys.

202. All the ingredients are there.

203. Yes, I have a dream.

204. And it's not some MLK dream for equality.

205. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse.

206. And I want to live at the top.

207. And nobody knows I live there.

208. And there's a button that I can press

209. and launch that lighthouse into space.

210. For my current investors, things are going great.

211. We already have a buyer.

212. - Really? Who? - Washington University.

213. I don't even want to think about selling

214. until our numbers get

215. - into the billions. - At least.

216. So I've decided to open up a second round of investment

217. to friends and family.

218. Oh, God, hold on to your wallets, ladies.

219. Anybody interested in joining the WUPHF empire?

220. WUPHF.

221. Anybody?

222. Bob's finances are...

223. Complicated.

224. He only invests with cash

225. and only in nightclubs.

226. Andy?

227. Hmm?

228. You know what, Andy?

229. Can I talk to you in my office for a sec?

230. - What's this— - It's work. It's about work.

231. It's work-related?

232. Yeah, I'd like to talk to you about work in my office.

233. Okay.

234. Andy...

235. I have brought you in here under false pretenses.

236. Ooh, I knew it.

237. This is about WUPHF, isn't it?

238. Let me be clear.

239. - As a rule... - Mm-hmm?

240. The Nard Dog does not invest in friends' companies.

241. What if I told you that you have to?

242. Then you would be abusing your power as my boss.

243. Well, maybe I am.

244. So sue me.

245. No, don't sue me.

246. That's not...

247. Think of it this way.

248. Wouldn't you love to have

249. more money than your parents ever had?

250. You could buy the Bernard Estate

251. and just burn it to the ground

252. while your entire family watched.

253. That is horrible. I love my family.

254. Okay, well, I misread that situation,

255. but how about then...

256. You are able to write a check

257. to each member of your family for $5 million?

258. And they said you wouldn't amount to anything.

259. I have a very supportive family,

260. in their own way.

261. Okay, we're trending incredibly strong

262. with unique views.

263. We're doubling our subscribers every month.

264. And don't forget the offer from Washington University.

265. That's a safety school, Michael.

266. Okay, well, maybe the next offer will be from Cornell.

267. And they laughed you off of campus, right?

268. So who's laughing now?

269. You want to laugh at Cornell?

270. Or do you want them laughing at you?

271. Fi— You know what?

272. I'm in.

273. Hello!

274. Welcome to Hay Place: a Place for Hay.

275. Don't forget to make a broom.

276. Oh, the petting zoo closes at 2:00,

277. and the goat roast is at 3:00.

278. Come on in, enjoy!

279. - Hey. - Very funny.

280. What pile did you get that from?

281. 'Cause, you know, most hay is basically horse toilet paper.

282. Actually, I'm kind of in the mood

283. for a roll in the hay.

284. Roll in the hay, $5, please.

285. No, I meant...

286. - Oh, our contract. - Mm-hmm.

287. Yes, why don't we meet at the usual spot?

288. Uh...

289. I've got a half an hour during lunch

290. in between the historical reenactment

291. of the Dunmore farm slaughters and the onion boil.

292. - Perfect. - So—

293. Uh, excuse me, get off of there.

294. Those are show bales, not play bales.

295. It's a winner.

296. Did you ever think of WUPHF

297. as an emergency notification system,

298. like, for college campuses with shooters or gas leaks?

299. No, no. Oscar, it's not—it's not a digital rape whistle.

300. - WUPHF is about fun. - That's right.

301. Fun, communication, connection.

302. What's your money situation?

303. Well, it's tight, as with any start-up.

304. Sure, how long can you sustain this

305. - without a cash infusion? - We have nine solid days.

306. I love these questions. Keep 'em coming.

307. I'm sorry, uh, nine days until what?

308. Bankruptcy?

309. Wait, Ryan, so this could be over by the weekend?

310. How long do you think a week is?

311. No, not this weekend, next weekend.

312. We were gonna go on the investors' ski trip.

313. I bought poles.

314. Michael, you realize you can just go skiing, right?

315. I don't feel like skiing right now, Oscar.

316. Well, since I have no incentive to sell,

317. I've cleaned my car, organized my desk,

318. and taken a multivitamin.

319. So...

320. What now?

321. Pam.

322. Okay, now I've tried everything.

323. Did you prank Dwight?

324. - No. - Well, you like that.

325. Yeah, it's not as fun if I'm not blowing off work.

326. Right. Uh, why don't you go to Hay Place?

327. Hay Place is for kids.

328. Oh, boy. Okay.

329. Um, I love you, but I'm kind of busy,

330. so I need you to figure this one out on your own.

331. Oscar said WUPHF only has enough money for nine days.

332. Check this out.

333. - All that color. - Look at that.

334. Triple your investment by January.

335. Anyone can just throw numbers up on a chart.

336. What are you doing to make it happen?

337. Well, earlier today, I was emailing

338. someone by the name of John Legend.

339. - There you go. - You have his email?

340. A lot of these guys are just mac.com,

341. at their website whatever.

342. We get that guy WUPHF-ing, it's all over.

343. I want my money back.

344. Do not talk like that, Stanley.

345. Ryan, just tell us your plan.

346. Okay, all right. I know what you want to see.

347. - I'll be right back. - Okay.

348. Hey, kids, was that fun?

349. - Yeah! - All right.

350. - I want to go on it again. - Oh, I bet you do.

351. You know what? When I was a little kid,

352. they couldn't get me off the hayride.

353. But it's gonna cost you three more bucks.

354. Wow! This brings back memories.

355. Hay stacking, hay throwing...

356. And at the end of it all,

357. one lucky boy would be crowned Hay King.

358. I always wanted to be Hay King.

359. The world shines on Mose.

360. Where have you been? I've been waiting.

361. Uh, can we move this to the end of the day?

362. No, I-I think you should make time for it.

363. I found the needle in the haystack!

364. Hey, congratulations. Do you know what your prize is?

365. - I don't know. - Nothing.

366. Life lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing.

367. Dwight?

368. WUPHF T-shirts.

369. Who wants one?

370. Just imagine that you're at Spring Break Daytona Beach.

371. - Here we go. - Okay?

372. Everyone's like, "Hey, dude, what's up with all the hotties

373. in the WUPHF shirts?"

374. Or, uh, "Hey, what's up with that helicopter?"

375. "It's Ry from WUPHF!"

376. - "It's Ryan the WUPHF guy!" - "Yo, Ry from WUPHF!"

377. - "He's up there." - "What's he dropping?"

378. "Wow, what's falling on us, man?"

379. WUPHF condoms!

380. 50,000 condoms out of the sky.

381. Look at that! He threw 'em on the ground!

382. Look, this is a marketing campaign.

383. You got nine days. Let's say you do get the money.

384. What are you going to do with it?

385. The first lesson of Silicon Valley, actually,

386. is that you only think about the user, the experience.

387. You actually don't think about the money, ever.

388. That sounds weird.

389. No, it's not weird, Andy, and you know what else?

390. We have an offer from Washington University.

391. So monetize that.

392. Washington University?

393. Yes.

394. It is a university in the city of Washington.

395. I think this is a great idea, Ryan,

396. but it needs follow-through,

397. and I need you to tell me what that follow-through is.

398. I'll tell you.

399. I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

400. I'll tell you all.

401. I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

402. - Oh, my God. - Shh, shh!

403. He's thinking.

404. Okay.

405. My aunt and uncle have a house in the Poconos.

406. I can borrow it...

407. Just go up there, shut myself away—

408. No TV, no WUPHF—

409. - Just, like, play a video game. - Sure.

410. Read a book,

411. just clear my head,

412. just think about things, get my priorities straight.

413. I just need just, like, three good days.

414. - What? - What?

415. That's good. That'll leave six days.

416. - Nice little vacation? Perfect. - Yeah.

417. Are you guys meeting about WUPHF?

418. You know that that was my idea, right?

419. I said to Ryan, "I try to call you,

420. "and you don't have your phone.

421. "I try to IM you, and you're not online.

422. "I wish there was a way

423. "that I could do everything all at once,

424. "and I could just be like this little dog going,

425. 'Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!'"

426. And that's how it happened, and that's what I told my lawyer.

427. - Baby, baby, baby— - I think I'm gonna see—

428. - No, no, no, no, no. - I do, I do. This isn't right.

429. I help you with your things, and you help me with my things.

430. - But I—it's not right. - I got this.

431. It's okay. Don't worry about this.

432. Is it any particular branch of Washington University?

433. The Washington University Public Health Fund.

434. W.U.P.H.F.

435. Oh, God.

436. They only want it for the initials.

437. The domain name. Yeah, they do.

438. I move we sell.

439. - What? - Yeah, sell.

440. - Sell. - Get us out of this.

441. Have some faith in this idea.

442. If everybody wants to sell, we sell, right?

443. I won't sell.

444. And you know what?

445. Ryan and I have the majority of shares.

446. - Isn't that right? - Yes. You alone do, actually.

447. I—yes.

448. We're not selling.

449. I will not sell.

450. Awesome.

451. Do you mind if we share this bale?

452. Sure.

453. There's no charge to sit on the hay, is there?

454. - Probably. - Oh.

455. I mean, wouldn't you think

456. the ten dollars to build your own broom

457. would include the hay and not just the instructions?

458. - Mm-hmm. - I mean, I'm starting to think

459. this guy is just trying to make money off the holiday.

460. Yeah, instead of Hay Place, it should be Pay Place.

461. Don't laugh at me.

462. No, no, no, I wasn't—

463. I was just laughing at your joke.

464. Oh.

465. - Pay Place. - Hmm.

466. Yeah, so we can celebrate Thanksgiving-me-your-money day.

467. - That's humorous. - Thank you.

468. Do you guys know how to get out?

469. Hi, Michael.

470. Can't talk, saving the planet.

471. Oh, we don't recycle.

472. We don't?

473. Well, why have I been separating the trash

474. into whites and colors?

475. I'm sure no one asked you to do that.

476. Eight years.

477. Listen, I know you really like Ryan—

478. No, I won't even consider it.

479. Michael, I...

480. I hate to say this, but...

481. You know this special bond

482. that you've always felt with Ryan,

483. where, like, you're best friends

484. or you're his mentor or something?

485. - I don't know. - Right, yes, yeah.

486. Best friend/mentor.

487. Michael, I think that that feeling only goes one way.

488. And I think that Ryan knows that,

489. and he's taking advantage of you.

490. I think you are wrong.

491. And there are a lot of other people in this office

492. who have money at stake...

493. Other people you care about.

494. You may be right.

495. I may be crazy.

496. Don't.

497. I'm just saying that I think I agree with your point.

498. Yeah, but in a jokey way

499. where you're gonna start singing.

500. I thought it might make me feel better.

501. Okay. Go ahead.

502. No.

503. Ooh, nice, wasting time, here we go.

504. Hey, back off. It's solitaire.

505. Hey, kid...

506. - Hear you're looking for work. - Talk to me.

507. How far can you reach those lovely long arms of yours?

508. Eh, put 'em down.

509. How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours?

510. Good.

511. Hey, Jim?

512. Are you distracting these people?

513. We're working.

514. Can you at least try to look busy?

515. The moment Darla put the cupcake in her mouth,

516. her daddy pulled her aside

517. and said, "You're too fat.

518. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat."

519. The next time I saw David Geffen

520. was at the Buffalo Club.

521. "I love you, you gay bastard," I said.

522. "You gay bastard," I s—

523. "Gay ba—"

524. "Gay b—"

525. - Michael, how's it going, bro? - Good, good, bro.

526. Hey, thanks so much for having my back out there.

527. Always have your back.

528. So any ideas on how we can get over this nine-day hump here?

529. I have nothing but ideas.

530. The thing is, they all require money.

531. Nine days, though. That's, like...

532. Look, I know I've tapped you so hard.

533. Yes, you have tapped this, hard.

534. Oh, you are funny, Michael.

535. You—people—people don't give you enough credit.

536. Maybe I could take a second mortgage on my condo.

537. Well, a lot of people are doing that.

538. And there don't seem to be any consequences.

539. And they say the rates have never been lower.

540. So you would think that's a good idea for me to do?

541. Think about this—

542. You and me on a private plane

543. - flown by our private pilot... - Mm.

544. Eating our private meal cooked by our private chef.

545. Yeah, well, we never even have dinner now, so...

546. We totally should.

547. - Tonight? - I got to work on this.

548. Oh, right.

549. - What am I saying? - Okay.

550. - Rain check. - Yeah.

551. Well, look at that.

552. That is great.

553. Did you do that all by yourself?

554. I had help.

555. Mommy doesn't know how to build a birdhouse.

556. - Jason. - Oh, sweetie, who's Jason?

557. Mommy says not to talk about Jason—

558. - Toby, start the clock. - Oh.

559. And now, by show of applause,

560. we will crown this year's Hay King.

561. All in favor of Purebred.

562. Put your hands together for Mixed-Bred.

563. And let's hear it for Purebred.

564. Mm.

565. We appear to have a three-way tie.

566. I have no choice but to pick the Hay King myself.

567. I pick...

568. Me.

569. I am your Hay King!

570. All hail your Hay King!

571. Did I truck 300 bales of hay

572. to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment?

573. Yes.

574. - Dwight, it's time. - Um, sorry.

575. Women aren't allowed to address the Hay King directly.

576. Go away.

577. It's okay.

578. I've been waiting for you all day.

579. What are you talking about?

580. Right, the thing.

581. Okay, just get yourself ready and cleaned up,

582. and I'll meet you there when this winds down.

583. Be gone, woman.

584. More ale.

585. Good.

586. Why would I let someone use me?

587. That doesn't make any sense.

588. What makes you think someone's using you?

589. Ryan had an idea for a business.

590. Ryan— Uh, yeah, okay.

591. Sorry. So you found out Ryan's using you,

592. and how does that make you feel?

593. Used...

594. - Like a used car. - Mm-hmm.

595. Like, if you took a person, turned him into a car,

596. and then used the car

597. and then somebody bought the car

598. and started racing with the car,

599. started beating everybody else on the track

600. and this car was, like, human—

601. If I come up with a movie idea in this, who owns it?

602. That movie already exists. You're talking about "Herbie."

603. I never saw it.

604. They can't sue me.

605. Did you really never see it?

606. I saw it on TV, but they can't prove that.

607. That was good. That was a really good movie.

608. It really resonated with me.

609. I don't know how they got that car

610. to constantly pop wheelies, but...

611. When Ryan came here, uh...

612. You really idealized him.

613. No, just the opposite—

614. I thought he was the coolest kid I ever saw.

615. Well, all right, so now that you know him better,

616. right, maybe you feel capable of handling the situation.

617. Hmm. Well, maybe you should handle your own situation

618. now that you know that Jason is banging your wife.

619. All right?

620. Sounds good.

621. So, if I were to call Dunder Mifflin

622. and ask for Miss Angela Martin...

623. Would I get through to you?

624. You would.

625. And if I were to call your house and ask for your wife,

626. would I get through to you?

627. My wife passed away a few years ago.

628. How tragic.

629. Very sorry to hear that.

630. Thank you.

631. Help!

632. Hello?

633. Oh! Help!

634. Consider it a WUPHF in person.

635. You're doing the wrong thing.

636. You're gonna lose Michael's investment,

637. you're gonna lose ours.

638. You got this crazy opportunity

639. to get our money back— Tell Mike to sell.

640. If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell.

641. - I'm betting on myself. - It's a bad bet.

642. Hello.

643. Hey. It's an ambush here.

644. Nobody here believes in this company.

645. Will you tell them they're wrong?

646. It's not that we don't believe in the company.

647. We don't believe in you.

648. All those in favor of selling, say aye.

649. - Aye. - Aye.

650. - Aye. - Aye.

651. I...

652. Do not agree to sell, which is to say nay.

653. What is wrong with you?

654. What happened to you in high school?

655. Michael, are you that blind?

656. I'm not blind!

657. I know exactly who he is.

658. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed,

659. and he is a bad friend.

660. And he's also clever.

661. And he shoots incredibly high.

662. And he may just make it.

663. But you know what? Even if he doesn't,

664. I would rather go broke betting on my people

665. than get rich all by myself on some island like a castaway.

666. And there is no middle ground.

667. You're gonna lose all of our money.

668. Only if he fails.

669. And you know what?

670. Ryan, I believe in you,

671. just like I believe in all of you.

672. You have nine days to save everybody's money.

673. Oh...

674. Uh, that's a lot of pressure.

675. I-I'm gonna need some more time.

676. You can't have it.

677. Okay.

678. I won't let you down.

679. "Mother Earth" by Dwight Kurt Schrute.

680. "The water runs, the sun will glint.

681. "This is our environment.

682. "The Hay King steps upon the ground.

683. "He wields a giant man sword round.

684. "He penetrates the Mother Earth,

685. "once, twice, again and again and again and again

686. "for all he's worth,

687. "pounding into her soft, warm dirt.

688. "Her lips quivering, mounds shaking in ecstasy.

689. And sudden relief."

690. Thank you.

691. Okay.

692. Hay Day's over. That's it.

693. Vacate the premises in three minutes.

694. All right, everyone, you heard the Hay King.

695. Let's go. Out.

696. Let's go.

697. All hail.

698. Make way for the Hay King.

699. Hey, slow— Okay, hey, hey, hey.

700. - Stop, stop. - Ah!

701. Oh, man.

702. Don't give up, man.

703. I am not gonna die in here.

704. Angela?

705. Angela!

706. The world sends people your way.

707. Ryan came to me through a temp agency.

708. Andy was transferred here.

709. No idea where Creed came from.

710. The point is, you just have to play

711. with the cards that you're dealt.

712. Jim, that guy is an ace.

713. Dwight is my king up my sleeve.

714. Phyllis is my old maid.

715. Oscar is my queen.

716. That's easy. Give me a hard one.

717. That's what Oscar said.

718. Toby is the instruction card you throw away.

719. Pam's a solid seven.

720. And yeah, you know what? Ryan is probably, like, a two.

721. But sometimes twos can be wild.

722. So watch out.

723. And I am obviously the joker.

724. So...

725. That's, uh—

726. WUPHF from Ryan Howard.

727. "Decided to sell company.

728. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride."

729. Thank God.

730. Gabe Lewis.

731. Now, listen here, Gabe, you're too fat.

732. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat.

733. I made some changes to my book.

734. - See if you like them. - Well—

735. Now I love reading, and I hate being interrupted.

736. Shut up and listen, you gay bastard.

737. Chapter one.

738. I was born, not into luxury nor poverty,

739. but into adversity, and for that, I thank the Lord.

740. My father was a man. That's all we can know.

741. After I learned to ride a bike,

742. there was no stopping me.

743. I would ride up Magnolia Street

744. and down Azalea Lane, which would later become my—

745. All right, good night, Gabe.

746. Just wanted to say thanks again,

747. 'cause I really think I made good use of my day.

748. Oh.

749. Sorry.

750. And fate has obliged me with plenty of battles,

751. the first being a hard—