The Office 7x8

1. They caught the Scranton Strangler.

2. They trapped him in his house.

3. And then photographing them,

4. is believed to be inside.

5. Police have now surrounded

6. the apartment complex.

7. Police have surrounded.

8. And we now see what appears to be

9. - a swat van pulling up. - SWAT's arriving.

10. It is unknown if he is armed with any—

11. They should do that thing where they play

12. the really good music to get him to come out.

13. Ugh, they shouldn't televise any of this.

14. It just encourages copycats.

15. Just say copies.

16. Why do you have to drag cats into this?

17. Cats are true originals.

18. Well, the good news is, the Scranton Strangler

19. - isn't who I thought it was. - How do you know?

20. Because who I thought it was just walked in the office.

21. 'Sup, weirdos?

22. Okay, while this is interesting,

23. we should get back to work.

24. These standoffs can last a long time.

25. What if it's another Waco?

26. It's pronounced "Wacko."

27. Some events are so newsworthy,

28. so historic, that you have to stop everything to watch.

29. Balloon boy, Michael Jackson's funeral—

30. Uh, things that, if you didn't see them live,

31. you wouldn't really care

32. that you didn't see them at all.

33. Coming to you from the corner of Columb—

34. Columbia street and Washington Ave.

35. God, when is he gonna come out?

36. This is very Hitchockian.

37. Great movie, Will Smith. No connection with this though.

38. I bet he's wishing he had a hybrid. Right?

39. 60 miles to the gallon in the city.

40. No, I bet he's wishing he was strangling someone.

41. Okay, that's our street.

42. That's our street.

43. He's going down our street.

44. - Come on, everybody. - Go. Go, go, go, go.

45. There it is. There it is.

46. - I saw it. - Where? Where?

47. I saw it. It's gone.

48. He went right by.

49. You missed it. You missed it.

50. "Grandpa, where were you the day

51. the Scranton Strangler was caught?"

52. Well, I was there, kiddo.

53. I was there.

54. And I'll tell you what...

55. You go sell these and buy yourself a nice spaceship.

56. Michael.

57. Walk with me.

58. Gabe and I are having a party,

59. and everyone's invited, and it's at his apartment.

60. - And we're gonna watch Glee. - Glee? What is Glee?

61. Some sort of television program?

62. Jim, I need that thing stat.

63. - Okay. - Yeah, it's a tv show.

64. Dwight. Signing.

65. I don't have time for parties.

66. I don't have time for TV shows.

67. Stanley, what time is that thing that I have to do?

68. - I— - Cancel it.

69. Are you still here?

70. Oh, it's just— It's our first party together.

71. - So— - Mm-mm-mm-mm. Mm. Mm.

72. Mm. Did you hear what I said?

73. I'm a very busy man. I don't have time

74. for your TV show.

75. - Okay, sorry. - I'm joking.

76. - Wait, which— - I'm joking.

77. I'm kidding around.

78. I'm not actually angry.

79. I'm not busy at all.

80. I'm not doing anything. And I know what Glee is.

81. - I am a total gleek. - Oh, me too.

82. You know what my favorite character is?

83. The invalid.

84. Yes, I'd love to come

85. - to your party. - Oh, my gosh.

86. I don't know if Michael likes Gabe that much.

87. He doesn't seem to acknowledge his existence in any way.

88. He won't look at him, and sometimes

89. he doesn't respond to him like he can't hear him,

90. but I can hear him. You guys can hear him, right?

91. I don't really know Gabe.

92. I know that, whenever I hear his name or see him,

93. I am surprised, and then I remember who he is.

94. He is—you know, like when people discover

95. that someone's a serial killer, and everybody says,

96. "Well, he seemed like a very nice, normal guy."

97. That's— I wish he was that normal.

98. There's this thing on Glee called mash-up

99. where two things that don't go together

100. make one great song.

101. Take Gabe, take Michael,

102. you make "GayMike."

103. - Best friends. - No, really?

104. Is there time to change this?

105. - That show— - I mean, first they say that Mr. Schue

106. doesn't know anything about choreography,

107. and then, like, three episodes later,

108. he's this fantastic choreographer?

109. Pick a lane, people.

110. And what was with Jesse's sudden turn

111. on Rachel between Dream On and Funk?

112. Where the heck did that come from?

113. Honestly, that show, it's just— it's irresponsible.

114. Crossword clue, ten letters, means time of your life.

115. Gabe's party.

116. Well, look at this.

117. Thank you for thinking of me.

118. Why the hell—

119. I got my own crazy idea for tonight.

120. I'm gonna watch a TV show I want to watch

121. with people I want to watch it with.

122. NCIS by myself.

123. Are you going?

124. Not because I want to.

125. Of all feelings to base a show around, glee?

126. Thirst. Now that's a show I'd watch.

127. I would watch that.

128. Tonight might be a convenient night

129. for us to have some intercourse.

130. You're having a party at Gabe's apartment.

131. Mm-hmm. I'd love it if you were there.

132. - You would? - You and Michael

133. are always the life of the party.

134. Try and keep me from coming.

135. Why would I keep you from coming?

136. Try and hide it, I will track this party down.

137. Why would I hide it?

138. Gabe bought so many books on how to be a good boyfriend,

139. and he consults them all the time.

140. He has so many allergies,

141. and you never hear him complain.

142. When he sneezes, he sneezes very gently

143. like a mouse.

144. He's a completely pleasant person.

145. Kevin.

146. Hey. You going tonight?

147. Yes, I am. Are you?

148. Yeah.

149. You got to go to the boss's party, right?

150. Mm-hmm. What?

151. No, Gabe— Gabe is not the boss.

152. No, he's not the boss.

153. Why did you just say he was the boss?

154. 'Cause you're the boss.

155. Guys, do you consider Gabe to be the boss?

156. It's make-your-own-pizza night.

157. - Okay. - Isn't Gabe's place so nice?

158. Uh-huh.

159. Look at the size of those wine glasses, Michael.

160. They're big.

161. Those posters used to be real French ads.

162. All right.

163. So welcome to my man cave.

164. I did my senior year abroad in Japan.

165. - Best year of my life. - You play?

166. Oh, I like to create soundscapes.

167. Imagine one instant of a song

168. expanded to be the size of the universe.

169. I can't even do that.

170. She's up. Great.

171. Cece is reverse cycling, which means she sleeps all day,

172. and she's up all night, which basically means

173. I'm up all day, and I'm up all night,

174. and if it doesn't stop soon, I am gonna be up all night.

175. - That a working oven? - Yeah.

176. - Yours doesn't work? - Up to 200 degrees.

177. So these are your cheeses, your hams,

178. your sausages, your herbs, and your vegetables.

179. Here's what's been done. Start creating.

180. Sometimes it helps to think of a part of the world

181. - and then make— - Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

182. Gabe likes to entertain a lot.

183. And he cooks in an oven.

184. And all that jazz.

185. I just have a different lifestyle.

186. They have these bags of vegetables

187. that steam right inside their own bag.

188. So I'll get a glass of sangria,

189. sit down in front of the tv,

190. my bag of vegetables—

191. Before you know it, I'm ready for bed.

192. Oh, hmm, blech. What else we got?

193. Okay.

194. Okay, oh, mini pasta. That'll work.

195. Oh, those are actually for the kid I mentor, so...

196. Well, this is make-your-own-pizza, right?

197. Yeah, it's just when his blood sugar—

198. So I wanted to do that, okay?

199. Is that good? Can I do that?

200. - Do you mind if I do that? - No.

201. - Can opener? - Yeah.

202. All right.

203. Maybe Gabe got a taste of success too young.

204. When I was Gabe's age, I was a junior salesman

205. just struggling to feed my fish.

206. I had to sleep on the couch because my TV was on the bed.

207. I was Tom Hanks in Big,

208. and Gabe is just so

209. grown-up and boring

210. like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia.

211. Okay.

212. You don't really toss the dough.

213. Try to destroy the old ways, Gabe.

214. I will not let you.

215. The show's starting.

216. The show's starting.

217. The show's starting.

218. Show's starting.

219. All right, let's gather 'round.

220. - Who's that? - Finn.

221. - Who's that? - Rachel.

222. Okay. Which one's glee?

223. You have to stop.

224. Well, I only like the shows

225. where the main person is the title.

226. Monk, House, Bones, Arliss, Leno,

227. It's just clever.

228. Where's Michael? Where's Michael?

229. We can't start without Michael.

230. Oh, here he is.

231. Oh, yay, and let the show begin.

232. That's a little loud.

233. Well, actually, I think

234. it's not loud enough.

235. May I? Excuse me.

236. Thank you, sir.

237. There you go. It's Glee.

238. Right? Rock and roll.

239. Turn it up to 11.

240. - Come on, Michael. - "Spinal cord."

241. Some of us are trying to have a conversation.

242. Well, some of us are trying to...

243. I'll just turn the captions on.

244. Well, I will turn the volume up.

245. That's for the other box.

246. Okay.

247. Okay. Okay.

248. Here's what we're gonna do.

249. Right down the hall is a bedroom.

250. All the real Glee fans are gonna go down the hall

251. to the real Glee party in the bedroom.

252. Follow me. Where we can crank it.

253. Oh.

254. They almost jumped the shark.

255. You know what that refers to, right?

256. Happy Days? The Fonz waterskies at the lake

257. in his leather jacket, literally a swimming pool

258. with a shark.

259. Happy Days?

260. Hey, Michael.

261. Maybe you should try going in the other room again.

262. You can have my seat.

263. It's closer to the tv.

264. It'll seem louder.

265. Pam, I have a loaded gun

266. in my desk at work.

267. And if I ever start acting like that weenie Gabe,

268. I want you to take that gun,

269. and I want you to shoot me, like, 100 times

270. in the groin till I'm dead, okay?

271. You have a gun in your desk?

272. Somewhere.

273. Hey. Marantz tube stereo from the 1970s.

274. I respect that.

275. I respect that a lot.

276. Ho-ho, the five Chinese virility herbs.

277. No kidding. This is powdered seahorse.

278. They say that 15 Chinese soldiers

279. fought off the entire army of Genghis Khan

280. just using this stuff.

281. - You know what they say... - No, what?

282. What is this, samurai woodcuts?

283. Yup. Pretty erotic.

284. - Eh. - Yeah.

285. What's your angle?

286. That woman. She's been in a couple of episodes

287. of Friday Night Lights.

288. You know what? I'm so confused.

289. Is this a Glee watching party

290. or is this a Glee pausing party?

291. - Yeah. Yeah, I know. - Because we keep stopping it

292. to get a history lesson about television—

293. Well, I didn't know the rules.

294. There. It's on. It's on.

295. I didn't read the rule book.

296. Better men than Gabe have tried to be my boss.

297. David got fired.

298. Charles got fired.

299. Jan went crazy.

300. Ed Truck, who I liked,

301. got decapitated.

302. - Michael. - Yes.

303. I find it absolutely disgraceful

304. that no one followed you in here for your walk-out.

305. I took the liberty of making a list of everyone

306. who didn't follow you in here.

307. Jim, Oscar, Creed,

308. - me, at first... - Maybe I should go.

309. Kelly... Are you gonna quiet that baby

310. or do I have to?

311. Shh.

312. In the Schrute family,

313. the youngest child always raises the others.

314. I've been raising children since I was a baby.

315. Take a shot.

316. Oh, thanks.

317. Man, so much Asian stuff.

318. I wonder if there's a guy in China right now

319. looking at a bunch of our stuff.

320. Why does Erin like Gabe?

321. Andy, look,

322. all I know is, if I was a girl

323. and I had to choose between a tall dude

324. who loved Asia and a you-looking dude

325. who loved sweaters and wearing sweaters,

326. I'd choose you.

327. That's really nice. Thank you.

328. And I'd blow your mind.

329. Jim, what are you doing?

330. Oh, it's a commercial break,

331. so I just wanted to check the scores.

332. Flip it back, please.

333. Okay.

334. The show's back on. What happened?

335. - We were behind. - Go to the recorded version.

336. Oh, my God. What song was that?

337. - I wasn't recording it. - What?

338. What song was it?

339. Wait, why do you have to record it?

340. Right now is why, Erin. We're living it.

341. - Start recording now. - Jim.

342. Okay, they did blinded by the light,

343. and they did it with an actual blind guy.

344. Oh.

345. Was it worth it, Jim?

346. 'Cause we missed it.

347. If I could get her sleeping normally,

348. I would get my life back.

349. That would be nice, wouldn't it?

350. I can't even talk about it.

351. You know, it's not really necessary for me to sit here

352. holding her all night.

353. Just go to Gabe's refrigerator,

354. get a lump of suet—

355. Or any kind of congealed animal fat will do, really—

356. Tie a piece of string to it,

357. tie the other end to her toe,

358. pop the suet in her mouth,

359. she'll be happy for hours.

360. I kind of doubt Gabe has suet.

361. Really? Well...

362. - Then here we are. - Michael.

363. Gabe is making the pigs in a blanket.

364. Shh.

365. And he kind of needs some help,

366. so he was wondEring if you could help him.

367. This sweater is hideous.

368. Where'd you get it, Salvation Army?

369. Her grandmother knitted it for her.

370. Oh, God.

371. Look who I found.

372. Yeah, well, I wasn't very hard to find.

373. Let's go ahead and wash your hands.

374. Is this the same dough that you used for the pizza crust?

375. Yeah. Waste not. Right?

376. So these are pizza dogs. These aren't pigs in a blanket.

377. Per se.

378. Michael knows everything there is to know about snacks.

379. - Well. - Gabe was born in 1982.

380. He was the longest baby in the hospital.

381. He's the longest baby in this room.

382. What's the longest thing you've ever seen?

383. For me, it was the trail from a jet—

384. Erin, you don't have to—

385. Yeah, you know what, Erin, you do have to.

386. Michael, you are making this harder

387. - than it has to be. - That's what she said.

388. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

389. Phyllis Vance.

390. Is that White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor?

391. You know your perfumes.

392. My nanny used to wear that.

393. I just ate an entire seahorse.

394. I have to admit I did not think it was gonna work.

395. But it's totally working.

396. I feel exactly like a seahorse.

397. Mmm.

398. Good party, huh?

399. Guys, New Directions is about to do their number,

400. and they just introduced a character named Layla,

401. so I think I know what's coming.

402. That man knows nothing about Glee.

403. When you look like that,

404. you don't have to know anything.

405. Okay, okay.

406. Hey.

407. It's a miracle.

408. She loves him.

409. Oh, I don't know about...

410. Love.

411. She loves me.

412. Outside. My car. Two minutes.

413. All right. Something's come up.

414. - I gotta go. - No, no, no, she'll wake up.

415. No, I have something to do.

416. I know what you have to do.

417. Please stay with Cece.

418. Dwight, I've always considered us

419. to be very good friends. Great friends.

420. Remember your concussion?

421. I do.

422. But you married my worst enemy.

423. - I know. - Well, I think enemy's

424. a strong word.

425. 'Cause I think we have a really charming back-and-forth.

426. Enough.

427. I will require beer and pizza to think this over.

428. - Absolutely. - From Jim.

429. - Well, I don't think that's— - Do it.

430. What kind of pizza would you like?

431. Surprise me.

432. No.

433. Pepperoni.

434. Okay.

435. All right.

436. And the winner is by two votes, Sam and Qu—

437. What's going on?

438. Hey, Creed. Do you read Chinese?

439. - Better than English. - What does this say?

440. Hello, U.P.S., still waiting on that five minutes

441. with Erin I ordered.

442. Oh, never mind, it's here.

443. Well, if it isn't the belle of the ball.

444. You throw a lovely party, milady.

445. Are you having a good time?

446. Did you wear my favorite outfit on purpose?

447. Andy, you look awful.

448. You're four seasons in a day.

449. You got the autumn thing going on.

450. But if you put on baby—

451. Oh.

452. Mm. But if you put on a blue...

453. It's springtime in the Rockies.

454. - Are you all right? - No!

455. Mm-mm.

456. Insert it in my mouth.

457. Okay, that's not gonna make

458. your pizza-eating experience any better, trust me.

459. Oh, try me.

460. Jim, just don't think

461. of it as degrading.

462. Think of it as you happen to be moving the pizza

463. six inches this way, and he happens to be biting it.

464. I'd prefer for him to think of it as degrading.

465. Okay.

466. Crust first.

467. Okay. Now the beer.

468. Beer me, Jim.

469. Gentle.

470. Mm.

471. Wow, that's so good.

472. Dab my mouth.

473. Just dab them.

474. Gentle.

475. Mm, thank you. Well, that was fun.

476. Yeah.

477. Now I've got to go meet Angela.

478. What? No, wait.

479. You said you were gonna help us.

480. I have a legal obligation

481. to Angela, okay?

482. She needs to be serviced.

483. - You need to stop talking. - Oh, God.

484. Oh, come on.

485. Can we stop the fake prissy act?

486. Join the real world.

487. Sex contracts exist, okay?

488. Okay, fine, there must be some way

489. to get out of it, even just for tonight.

490. Yeah, sure. Jim can go see her.

491. - Okay. - You've been

492. with a blonde before? It's the big leagues.

493. I'm going home, and I'm taking my baby.

494. No, no, don't.

495. I will go talk to Angela.

496. She is in heat.

497. She will eat your face off.

498. The reverse cycling ends tonight.

499. A single piece of pepperoni, please.

500. I'm not...

501. What are you doing?

502. I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket... in a blanket.

503. - Makes sense. - It doesn't make sense.

504. Ah, ah, ah.

505. What do you have?

506. Are you all right?

507. Erin likes Gabe.

508. I know.

509. I thought you two were nice together.

510. Do you think that they've ever...

511. Made love?

512. I don't know.

513. Well, girls tell each other things, right?

514. I'll see what I can find out.

515. Where you been?

516. I just went out for a walk.

517. Cable's out.

518. What? Really?

519. That stinks.

520. It's still on upstairs.

521. What does that mean? Party's over?

522. Everybody leaves?

523. Are you sure?

524. Hey, Puck and Finn worked it out,

525. and the solo is now a duet.

526. - Are you kidding me? - No.

527. That's going on.

528. I can't believe we're missing that.

529. Boy, I wish I could see that.

530. You know what, I have an idea.

531. I don't know if it's gonna work,

532. but let me give it this—okay.

533. I'm gonna give it a shot.

534. Please, Michael,

535. just make the Glee happen.

536. - Good luck, Michael. - Erin.

537. So how long have you two been going out now?

538. Oh, like three months.

539. I imagine things are starting to heat up.

540. I don't know.

541. Of course, you don't want to rush things.

542. I mean, the anticipation can be so exquisite.

543. Bob and I took our time.

544. The first time we saw each other naked,

545. we didn't even make love.

546. We just stared at each other until we fell asleep.

547. It was magical.

548. - I have to go, Phyllis. - Really magical.

549. Hey in there. It's me, Pam.

550. It's not Dwight. Don't think it's Dwight.

551. What are you doing here?

552. I know you and Dwight have this weird deal.

553. Um, he sent me out here to see if you could postpone.

554. - Where is he? - Holding my baby.

555. Can you reschedule?

556. I should have my attorney here to talk about this.

557. Okay, well, um, let's get him on the phone.

558. It won't make this any weirder.

559. Are you authorized to do this?

560. Yes. I have been so authorized.

561. - By Dwight? - Yes.

562. Fine.

563. Just tell me what it's gonna take.

564. Okay, well, tell him

565. that we'll do this tomorrow night instead.

566. - Okay, great, okay. - No, but wait.

567. Not in a car, all right? Or the silo or the barn.

568. And I want a bed with clean sheets,

569. and I want him to take me to a nice dinner.

570. Oh, you're enjoying this, aren't you?

571. That's so not the case.

572. I will take your list to Dwight,

573. and I'll see what he says.

574. Okay.

575. Wait, Pam, Pam.

576. How did he seem?

577. You know, like, did he seem disappointed?

578. You know, there are a lot of guys

579. out there who would just love

580. and appreciate a woman lik—

581. You know what, Pam, just save it.

582. You did this?

583. No, I was just check— Yes.

584. I did. Yes.

585. - Yes. - Why won't you like him?

586. What is there to like?

587. He's just— He's a weird, little,

588. skeevy guy with no waist.

589. Why do you care whether we like him or not?

590. I care if you like him.

591. Why? I'm not your father.

592. All right.

593. - Okay. - Go to your room.

594. What?

595. Go to your room, young lady.

596. Um, I'm not going to my room.

597. You listen to me.

598. You listen good.

599. You are not to see that boy anymore.

600. You listen to me.

601. You are not to tell me what to do.

602. As long as you are living under this roof,

603. you are going to do what I say.

604. I hate your roof.

605. Oh, do not raise your voice to me.

606. I'll raise it all I want. I'll raise the roof.

607. I will pull this car over.

608. I hate it. I hate your car.

609. Hey, you.

610. - Oh. - Well, come on.

611. I can only carry one of you.

612. See you, Oscar.

613. If you break that girl's heart,

614. I will kill you.

615. It's just a figure of speech.

616. But seriously if you break that girl's heart,

617. I will literally kill you and your entire family.

618. Gabe, just go and have fun with Erin.

619. But not too much fun.

620. That girl's gonna turn my hair gray.

621. What happened?

622. I accidentally ate some seahorses.

623. How much?

624. I don't know. It's powdered.

625. So, like, four or five. I don't know.

626. I've got just the thing.

627. This one's called Earthrise on the Moon.

628. That is so beautiful.