1. Hmm.Copy !req
2. So hard to find good help these days.Copy !req
3. Don't get me wrong—
I can do the work of 20 men.Copy !req
4. And 200 women.Copy !req
5. Apparently, managing an office buildingCopy !req
6. requires the work of 21 men.Copy !req
7. And that is why we are here.Copy !req
8. Hola.Copy !req
9. Hola.Copy !req
10. Necesito un bueno worker.Copy !req
11. Tu es fuerte.
Come on.Copy !req
12. ¿Que?Copy !req
13. ¿Que?Copy !req
14. No vamos con ese senor.Copy !req
15. Lo he visto saliendo con muchos otros,Copy !req
16. - y no vuelven nadie.
- We don't go with that man.Copy !req
17. I've seen several men go with
that man and not come back.Copy !req
18. - He perdido amigos...
- We've lost friends...Copy !req
19. No se lo que hace con ellos.Copy !req
20. We don't know what he does with them.Copy !req
21. No quiero decir mas.Copy !req
22. I don't wanna talk about it anymore.Copy !req
23. I pick up day laborersCopy !req
24. and tell them that
they'll get paid at 6:00 p.m..Copy !req
25. At 5:45, a certain I.N.S. AgentCopy !req
26. by the name of Mose SchruteCopy !req
27. throws them in the back of a van,Copy !req
28. drops them off in the middle
of Harrisburg,Copy !req
29. and tells them it's Canada.Copy !req
30. Hola, amigo.Copy !req
31. Hola.Copy !req
32. Tu es un bueno worker?Copy !req
33. Sí. Yo muy bueno worker.Copy !req
34. You have, uh, mucho strengtho?Copy !req
35. - Mucho strengtho.
- Bueno.Copy !req
36. Esta job, uh, pays, uh, cien dólares,Copy !req
37. uh, each día.Copy !req
38. Cien dólares. Oh, bueno.Copy !req
39. Y el acento...
Donde are you from?Copy !req
40. Scranton.Copy !req
41. Y... before that,
La Philadelphia.Copy !req
42. - You speak English?
- Yes.Copy !req
43. - I'm really good at English.
- Okay, good, me too.Copy !req
44. - Get in the car.
- Okay.Copy !req
45. Who is this guy by our cars?Copy !req
46. That is my new maintenance worker Nate,Copy !req
47. and you'll be happy to know
that he's taking care ofCopy !req
48. that hornet's nest
that you've been griping about.Copy !req
49. I got stung up my dress.Copy !req
50. Poor hornet.Copy !req
51. I left him all the tools he needs.Copy !req
52. This is do or die.Copy !req
53. If he chooses correctly,
he conquer the hornets.Copy !req
54. And if he doesn't?Copy !req
55. He'll die.Copy !req
56. - What?
- Uh, beg your pardon?Copy !req
57. When did the phrase
"do or die" become so corrupted?Copy !req
58. - Is that a blowtorch?
- No.Copy !req
59. - No, no, no!
- no, no!Copy !req
60. Interesting choice.Copy !req
61. Oh... yes.Copy !req
62. - Very, very smart.
- Walking away.Copy !req
63. Go away.Copy !req
64. - No! No, no, no!
- The bat.Copy !req
65. - What is he doing?
- Oh, they're stinging him!Copy !req
66. No, no, no! No, no!Copy !req
67. No! No, no, no!Copy !req
68. How acutely he must be
in the moment right now.Copy !req
69. I would do anything
to trade places with that man.Copy !req
70. Go—you can just go
down the stairs right now.Copy !req
71. It's also amazing to watch.Copy !req
72. Who's "ins"?Copy !req
73. No, that's—there must be some mistake.Copy !req
74. - Dwight.
- What the hell? Dwight?Copy !req
75. - Whoa!
- What? Is he—Copy !req
76. They're fighting!Copy !req
77. Mose!Copy !req
78. Come back!
You can't leave the van!Copy !req
79. Ugh.Copy !req
80. Good morning, Erin.Copy !req
81. Any moustaches—
I mean messages?Copy !req
82. Terrific.Copy !req
83. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
84. There are many reasonsCopy !req
85. a man would wear a fake moustache to work.Copy !req
86. He is a fan...Copy !req
87. Of the outrageous.Copy !req
88. He loves to...Copy !req
89. Surprise!Copy !req
90. He loves...
Other things as well.Copy !req
91. Oh, wow.Copy !req
92. It's a pimple, Phyllis.Copy !req
93. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time,Copy !req
94. and she rocks harder than anyone alive.Copy !req
95. Uh, that's no pimple,
Michael.Copy !req
96. - You mean cancer?
- What? No way. No.Copy !req
97. Definitely not—not cancer.Copy !req
98. It's just good to catch a
Michael train of thought early,Copy !req
99. before it derails
and destroys the entire town.Copy !req
100. Wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
101. - It's just a cold sore.
- It is?Copy !req
102. - Yep. Just a cold sore.
- Just a cold sore.Copy !req
103. Thank you.
Phyllis, I don't have acne.Copy !req
104. I have a cold sore.
I didn't even have a cold.Copy !req
105. - I don't know how I got it.
- I know how you got it.Copy !req
106. - How?
- Michael, come on.Copy !req
107. A cold sore is herpes.Copy !req
108. - What?
- What you should do, Michael,Copy !req
109. is have a doctor take a look at it,Copy !req
110. 'cause we don't really know what that is.Copy !req
111. I know tons and tons
of people who have herpes.Copy !req
112. I have it myself.Copy !req
113. That's what it is.Copy !req
114. I've never seen herpes on you.Copy !req
115. 'Cause it's on my genitals, genius.Copy !req
116. You have a penis?Copy !req
117. No. No, she does not.Copy !req
118. Michael, have you ever
been tested for STDs?Copy !req
119. Yeah. My last physical when I was 40.Copy !req
120. That was like ten years ago.Copy !req
121. No, it was like four years ago.Copy !req
122. - Michael, you're at least 46.
- Why at least?Copy !req
123. If you're guessing 46, just say 46.Copy !req
124. You're 47.
We were in the same class.Copy !req
125. Why, did you stay back for a decade?Copy !req
126. Can we please talk about
how gross Meredith is?Copy !req
127. This is what you getCopy !req
128. when you treat your body like an outhouse.Copy !req
129. You know what, guys?Copy !req
130. How 'bout we just chill out
a little bit on the herp chat?Copy !req
131. Okay?
I was an R.A. in college,Copy !req
132. and I can tell you,Copy !req
133. the number one
sexually transmitted disease...Copy !req
134. Is ignorance.Copy !req
135. I guess maybe she could marry
a meth dealer with crabs...Copy !req
136. I don't even want
to know about these things.Copy !req
137. Hey, guys.Copy !req
138. How did this happen?
How did I get this?Copy !req
139. Sometimes it can lie dormant
in a woman for years.Copy !req
140. They may not even know that they have it.Copy !req
141. You know what?
I feel likeCopy !req
142. one of those old-timey sailors with VD.Copy !req
143. Eh, it's me own darn fault.Copy !req
144. - Girl in every port!
- But what port?Copy !req
145. The Jan port?Copy !req
146. - The Holly port?
- Don't even...Copy !req
147. Holly was clean, okay?Copy !req
148. If anything,
I gave it to her.Copy !req
149. - You may have.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
150. What if I did?Copy !req
151. You need to contact Holly.Copy !req
152. You need to notify her that
she is crawling with herpes.Copy !req
153. Okay. You know what?Copy !req
154. Might.Copy !req
155. Might be crawling with herpes.Copy !req
156. I might have gotten it after her.Copy !req
157. Oh, you mean Donna.Copy !req
158. The adulteress. She was hot.Copy !req
159. Or the skank from Canada.Copy !req
160. She was oddly easy to obtain.Copy !req
161. Skank explains a lot.Copy !req
162. It's actually harder to land a skankCopy !req
163. because they usually have plans.Copy !req
164. Michael, you need to contact
every woman you've been withCopy !req
165. and notify them
of your herpes infestation.Copy !req
166. It's the right thing to do.Copy !req
167. There's no way
I'm gonna do that.Copy !req
168. - Then I will.
- All right, I—Copy !req
169. Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to meCopy !req
170. that we all have an obligation
to the public healthCopy !req
171. to track down anyone
who gives us a disease,Copy !req
172. inform them of it,Copy !req
173. and take overwhelming revenge
on that person.Copy !req
174. Again, I'm no doctor.Copy !req
175. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.Copy !req
176. Hello.Copy !req
177. Hi, Donna.
It's Michael.Copy !req
178. Michael, I didn't think
I'd hear from you.Copy !req
179. - How've you been?
- I have a disease...Copy !req
180. For which there is no known cureCopy !req
181. that has been sexually transmitted to me.Copy !req
182. Oh, no!Copy !req
183. I can't even say it.Copy !req
184. H... I...Copy !req
185. Oh, my God!Copy !req
186. R... P...Copy !req
187. E... E...Copy !req
188. - W-wait.
- S.Copy !req
189. You're calling to tell me
that you have herpes?Copy !req
190. No, I am calling to see
if you gave me herpes,Copy !req
191. because if you did,Copy !req
192. I would be able to avoid
a lot of sucky conversations.Copy !req
193. - So you have it, right?
- No.Copy !req
194. Does your stupid husband have it?Copy !req
195. No, he doesn't.Copy !req
196. Are you telling me
I have to get tested?Copy !req
197. Yes, I'm telling you you
have to get tested for herpes.Copy !req
198. - Good-bye!
- So long, Donna.Copy !req
199. Well, didn't go as bad as you'd think,Copy !req
200. considering the subject matter.Copy !req
201. No, once you say the word "herpes,"Copy !req
202. that's the hard part, and then
they're the uncomfortable one.Copy !req
203. 'Scuse me, everyone, can I
have your attention, please?Copy !req
204. - Not again.
- What do you mean, again?Copy !req
205. You're always asking for our attention.Copy !req
206. Well, maybe like a year ago.Copy !req
207. - Mm. Seems recent.
- No, that's—Copy !req
208. Andy, the reason it seems more recentCopy !req
209. is because many of us here
have never stood upCopy !req
210. and asked for everyone's attention,Copy !req
211. and it seems like you've
done that on several occasions.Copy !req
212. Everyone, I've noticed thatCopy !req
213. we've not been entirely kind
to one of our own,Copy !req
214. due to stigmas and prejudices.Copy !req
215. Oh, when you got your new phone—Copy !req
216. That's when you asked for
everyone's attention.Copy !req
217. World Cup.
That's what I was thinkin'.Copy !req
218. You kept announcing scores.Copy !req
219. It's the world's
only international sport, so...Copy !req
220. It's like the sea shepherds'
worst nightmareCopy !req
221. is not the Japanese whalersCopy !req
222. but their own incompetence.Copy !req
223. Wow, I should really be watching that.Copy !req
224. Oh, definitely.Copy !req
225. And it's always the case, you know,Copy !req
226. you and Antarctica.Copy !req
227. - Hey, Jim.
- Oh. Hi.Copy !req
228. - No.
- No.Copy !req
229. - Not at all.
- Mm-mm.Copy !req
230. Oh, boy.Copy !req
231. - This is Holly.Copy !req
232. No, this is Holly.Copy !req
233. No... this is Holly.Copy !req
234. No, this is Holly.Copy !req
235. No... this is
Michael Scott.Copy !req
236. Busted.Copy !req
237. So what can I do for you, Holly?Copy !req
238. I'm calling because...Copy !req
239. There was a terrible car accident.Copy !req
240. Oh, really?
Was anyone killed?Copy !req
241. A lot of people.Copy !req
242. - Any nuns?
- Three nuns.Copy !req
243. Missionaries from South Africa.Copy !req
244. Were they in the missionary position?Copy !req
245. That's nonsense.Copy !req
246. Holly brings out a sense
of childlike wonder in Michael.Copy !req
247. I don't like it.Copy !req
248. Childlike wonder
leads to a childlike grave.Copy !req
249. Yeah.
Now you're lookin' at me.Copy !req
250. The diagnosis: sex ignorance.Copy !req
251. The cure: sex education.Copy !req
252. Hosted by Andy Bernard.Copy !req
253. I used to be an RA in the dorm,Copy !req
254. so I'm literally qualified to do this.Copy !req
255. Anyone who's interested in entering intoCopy !req
256. an honest discussion about
the sexual mores and taboosCopy !req
257. of modern society will be
rewarded with a pizza break.Copy !req
258. - Fine.
- Give me a few.Copy !req
259. I gotta get set up.Copy !req
260. I said give me a few!Copy !req
261. Do you ever wonder
what life would have been likeCopy !req
262. if you hadn't been transferred?Copy !req
263. - Yeah.
- We would have twins.Copy !req
264. I don't think we'd have kids.Copy !req
265. - Mm-hmm.
- We dated for a few weeks.Copy !req
266. Mm-hmm.
We would be married.Copy !req
267. Michael, I've been dating AJ
for a year and a half now.Copy !req
268. - You do this, you know.
- Do what?Copy !req
269. You romanticize things.Copy !req
270. I don't romantici—Copy !req
271. - N-no...
- Michael, you criedCopy !req
272. at that tag line for a movie you made up.Copy !req
273. He had no arms or legs.Copy !req
274. He couldn't see, hear, or speak.Copy !req
275. This is how he led a nation.Copy !req
276. You made us out to be more than we were.Copy !req
277. Maybe we were more than we were.Copy !req
278. I don't know what
you're getting so upset about.Copy !req
279. We had a fun fling a long time ago.Copy !req
280. - It's a good memory.
- Okay, all right.Copy !req
281. - I gotta go.
- Michael...Copy !req
282. He forgot to mention the herpes.Copy !req
283. It didn't come up organically.Copy !req
284. - Winnipeg Sheridan.
- Concierge, please.Copy !req
285. Hold, please.Copy !req
286. Okay, we're gonna see Jan first,Copy !req
287. then Carole, then Helene.Copy !req
288. We've already called Donna and Holly.Copy !req
289. Have we left anyone off this list?Copy !req
290. - That's it.
- Over six years?Copy !req
291. No—there are other women,Copy !req
292. but I am going to do a mass email.Copy !req
293. These are the wo-men that
I wanted to talk to in person.Copy !req
294. I had more sex in high school.Copy !req
295. Okay, you know what?
I'm sorryCopy !req
296. that I was so busy in high schoolCopy !req
297. maintaining a B average
and appearing in plays.Copy !req
298. Okay.Copy !req
299. This is an incredible day,
Michael.Copy !req
300. Contacting all your old lovers,
all your exes,Copy !req
301. every woman that your penis has touched.Copy !req
302. Be fun to get them all together.Copy !req
303. I know. Should do that.Copy !req
304. Maybe for the holidays.Copy !req
305. If we have time today,
we'll call Holly back.Copy !req
306. No, I don't wanna talk to her.Copy !req
307. She lied straight to my face,
got all New Hampshire-y on me.Copy !req
308. Concierge desk.
How may I help you?Copy !req
309. By going to the doctor
and getting tested for herpes.Copy !req
310. Done.Copy !req
311. To accommodate the suppliers.Copy !req
312. Gentlemen, nice to see you.
It'll be just a moment.Copy !req
313. If you could show them
into Conference Room B?Copy !req
314. The pharmaceutical companyCopy !req
315. should be able to accommodate us.Copy !req
316. How do I do it?
Raise my daughter...Copy !req
317. Work as director of office
purchasing for this hospital,Copy !req
318. and release an album of Doris Day coversCopy !req
319. on my own label?Copy !req
320. If I knew, I'd tell you.Copy !req
321. It's nice to see you doin' so well.Copy !req
322. Yeah. I'm really happy.Copy !req
323. Me and Astrid against the world.Copy !req
324. We're lovin' it.Copy !req
325. Yeah, so..
Kinda the supermom.Copy !req
326. - Bringin' home the bacon.
- Yeah.Copy !req
327. Love that commercial.Copy !req
328. I don't understand the reference.Copy !req
329. Well...Copy !req
330. Michael, it was nice to get your call.Copy !req
331. We had to come over
right away—it's urgent.Copy !req
332. - Okay.
- Michael has somethingCopy !req
333. - to tell you.
- Shh!Copy !req
334. Are you gonna keep me in suspense?Copy !req
335. Ah-ah-ahem.Copy !req
336. - Would you excuse me?
- Okay, I'm gonna...Copy !req
337. Head outta here.Copy !req
338. I know you have a lot to talk about, okay?Copy !req
339. Is there...
An operating theaterCopy !req
340. that's open to visitors?Copy !req
341. Never mind.
I'll find it.Copy !req
342. - He hasn't changed.
- No.Copy !req
343. So... what couldn't wait?Copy !req
344. Am I the kind of personCopy !req
345. to misremember our relationshipCopy !req
346. as something more than it was?Copy !req
347. Michael Scott,Copy !req
348. you are here for a postmortem.Copy !req
349. What?Copy !req
350. You wanna dig into our relationship...Copy !req
351. Go over it, see what killed it.Copy !req
352. Okay.Copy !req
353. I'm in.Copy !req
354. Oh, I'm guessing you wanna sit here.Copy !req
355. Oh, no, it's okay.
It's all right.Copy !req
356. So, guys, I've been really botheredCopy !req
357. by the way certain peopleCopy !req
358. are getting treated around here, and...Copy !req
359. I just think, as an office,
we're better than that.Copy !req
360. Five pizzas, not one of them plain.Copy !req
361. What were you thinking?Copy !req
362. Well, the guy asked me
what toppings I wanted,Copy !req
363. and I forgot to say "nothing"...Copy !req
364. So yes.Copy !req
365. Pepperoni, meatball,Copy !req
366. veggie delight, Hawaiian pizza, artichoke.Copy !req
367. Just pick stuff off.Copy !req
368. Then the cheese comes off.Copy !req
369. That's not true, you know?Copy !req
370. There's a way to do it carefully.Copy !req
371. Am I the only one here with a heart?Copy !req
372. Am I the only one here with experienceCopy !req
373. teaching kids about
sexually transmitted diseases?Copy !req
374. Ivy League kids?Copy !req
375. Do I have to do everything around here?Copy !req
376. I mean, not everything,
but, like, some things?Copy !req
377. Okay, now, I'm gonna show you a pictureCopy !req
378. of genitalia.Copy !req
379. Andy.Copy !req
380. - What, 'cause he's black?
- Nope.Copy !req
381. It's 'cause it's genitalia.Copy !req
382. Perfectly normal genitalia, tuna.Copy !req
383. Now I'm gonna show you another pictureCopy !req
384. of perfectly normal genitalia.Copy !req
385. Oh!Copy !req
386. Oh, my God!Copy !req
387. Am I blocking anybody?
Can everybody see?Copy !req
388. Perfectly normal.
Big deal.Copy !req
389. Yeah, sure, it's got some herpes on it.Copy !req
390. But you know what?Copy !req
391. It's just as normal as anyone else's.Copy !req
392. No. In the beginning, we were not good.Copy !req
393. Well... there was a bit of a learning curveCopy !req
394. in the conversation department,Copy !req
395. but between the sheets,Copy !req
396. we were like
Jordan and Pippen.Copy !req
397. Well, if there's
anything exciting about it,Copy !req
398. it was because we both knew it was wrong.Copy !req
399. - Because we worked together.
- No.Copy !req
400. Okay, imagine there's a princessCopy !req
401. who falls for a guy beneath her station,Copy !req
402. and the queen doesn't like this at all.Copy !req
403. And the princess knows
that the queen doesn't like it,Copy !req
404. and so it makes her want to
do it all the moreCopy !req
405. just to get at the queen.Copy !req
406. - Am I the princess?
- No, I'm the princess.Copy !req
407. And the queen.Copy !req
408. Okay. So I'm the guy at the station.Copy !req
409. Mommy!Copy !req
410. Assy! Oh!Copy !req
411. It was cool.Copy !req
412. - I have herpes.
- What? You—Copy !req
413. I used to think that she was the one.Copy !req
414. Or at least a "the one."Copy !req
415. And if I called that one so wrong...Copy !req
416. Herpes, like all STDs,
is a consequence of sex.Copy !req
417. Can anyone else name
any other consequences?Copy !req
418. It feels unbelievable.Copy !req
419. Okay, I guess we can make a pros column.Copy !req
420. Feels...Copy !req
421. Unbelievable.Copy !req
422. Okay.Copy !req
423. The ability to express love physically.Copy !req
424. It's a magical thing.Copy !req
425. Express love.
Magical.Copy !req
426. It feels amazing.Copy !req
427. Um, okay, is that different
from feels unbelievable?Copy !req
428. - Yes.
- Then I will write it down.Copy !req
429. The feeling of pure risk.Copy !req
430. Creed, I had that in the cons column,Copy !req
431. - but...
- It's thrilling.Copy !req
432. Okay.
Um, then...Copy !req
433. We'll move that.Copy !req
434. "Thrill of risk."Copy !req
435. Andy, aren't there also negatives to sex?Copy !req
436. Yes! Thank you.Copy !req
437. - Such as...
- Unplanned pregnancy.Copy !req
438. Yes.
Unplanned pregnancy.Copy !req
439. - Like Jim and Pam—what?
- Hey.Copy !req
440. Just admit that your baby was a mistake.Copy !req
441. Hey, hey, hey.
Our baby was not a mistake.Copy !req
442. - She was a surprise.
- Good.Copy !req
443. I'm sure they don't regret
having that child.Copy !req
444. Let's move it to the pros.
Pam and Jim: Thank you.Copy !req
445. Okay. Unplanned pregnancy.
Going in the pros column.Copy !req
446. Next up is Helene.Copy !req
447. You're gonna want to make
a left on Willow,Copy !req
448. which is a little ways away.Copy !req
449. Uh, I'll remind you.Copy !req
450. You know, I don't know
if I trust Jan's judgment.Copy !req
451. - She...
- Jan knows paper.Copy !req
452. No, not paper.
Relationships.Copy !req
453. To have the ability to point outCopy !req
454. if a man is making
a bigger deal out of somethingCopy !req
455. - than is really there.
- Wait, what Holly said?Copy !req
456. - Yes! I don't—
- Forget it, Michael.Copy !req
457. - Today is about herpes.
- I know.Copy !req
458. Okay? Who gave it to you, who has it...Copy !req
459. - Right.
- And who is going to pay.Copy !req
460. - Okay.
- To answer your questionCopy !req
461. about Jan—
No, Jan is insane.Copy !req
462. Why do you think I—Copy !req
463. - Left! Willow now!
- All right! God!Copy !req
464. Hi, stranger.Copy !req
465. - Long time.
- Who are you?Copy !req
466. I'm Michael.
We dated for a while.Copy !req
467. I don't think so.Copy !req
468. Michael?Copy !req
469. Oh, hey!Copy !req
470. Dwight, would you take
my grandmother for a walkCopy !req
471. while I talk to the real Helene?Copy !req
472. Of course. Come on, old lady.
Let's go.Copy !req
473. What is happening?Copy !req
474. Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Come on.Copy !req
475. Who can tell me
the safest form of safe sex?Copy !req
476. - Condoms.
- Incorrect.Copy !req
477. The only true form of safe sex...Copy !req
478. Okay?
Abstinence.Copy !req
479. Oh! I didn't realize we were doing...Copy !req
480. Trick questions.Copy !req
481. What's the safest way to go skiing?Copy !req
482. Don't ski.Copy !req
483. Huh?Copy !req
484. I just thought
I'd bring it upCopy !req
485. in case someone here
was practicing abstinence.Copy !req
486. That's all.
Anybody?Copy !req
487. Andy, that's way too
personal of a question.Copy !req
488. Well, someone could
answer it if they wanted to.Copy !req
489. Okay, in that case, uh,Copy !req
490. I will now show you how
to put this condom on using...Copy !req
491. - This pencil.
- Oh, God!Copy !req
492. What?Copy !req
493. Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?Copy !req
494. Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar.Copy !req
495. It's not exactly hard right now anyway.Copy !req
496. Come on, give it a rest, pencil!Copy !req
497. I'm doing this for you, Meredith!Copy !req
498. - I didn't want it!
- Well, did you—Copy !req
499. Why... didn't—Copy !req
500. Does no one appreciate
what I'm doing right now?Copy !req
501. Whoa!Copy !req
502. If MacArthur had been allowed
to bomb the Chinese,Copy !req
503. we would've saved many lives
in the long run.Copy !req
504. Oh, believe me,Copy !req
505. if we could bomb the Chinese right now,Copy !req
506. we'd save many lives.Copy !req
507. MacArthur was soft.
He was all talk and no...Copy !req
508. It'll go away in time.
Just don't touch it too much.Copy !req
509. You are so wise.Copy !req
510. I would trade my youth
for your wisdom in a second.Copy !req
511. Remember that movie, "Freaky Friday"?Copy !req
512. I wish we could change bodies
so I could have your wisdom,Copy !req
513. and you could have my passion for life.Copy !req
514. That is a movie
I would go to see.Copy !req
515. You know, you—you could say "smart"Copy !req
516. instead of using "wisdom" all the time.Copy !req
517. It means something different.Copy !req
518. Uh, a fox is smart,
but an old owl is wise.Copy !req
519. An old, old owl.Copy !req
520. I'm gonna go now, Michael.Copy !req
521. Hold on. Hold on just a sec.
Um...Copy !req
522. Did I make more of what we hadCopy !req
523. than was really there?Copy !req
524. What did you think we were?Copy !req
525. Just a...
Quirky indie movieCopy !req
526. weird sorta thing...Copy !req
527. Breakin' all the rules...
But had to endCopy !req
528. because the summer was over.
For you.Copy !req
529. I-I think that for you to have come hereCopy !req
530. even expecting...Copy !req
531. That we could have
a conversation like thisCopy !req
532. shows how—
How self-deluded you are.Copy !req
533. Michael, your... memory
has failed you greatly.Copy !req
534. Jerk.Copy !req
535. I am beginning to get a senseCopy !req
536. that this has something to do with me.Copy !req
537. Oh, come on, Michael, stop it.Copy !req
538. Focus on the herpes.Copy !req
539. I'll try.Copy !req
540. Michael—Copy !req
541. So this is a chef's kitchen,Copy !req
542. which makes it perfect
for real entertainers.Copy !req
543. Real entertainer, like Billy Joel.Copy !req
544. - Michael.
- Carole. How are you?Copy !req
545. I'm great.
How are you?Copy !req
546. I'm great.
I saw your sign outside,Copy !req
547. and I decided,
I'm gonna pull in,Copy !req
548. and maybe I'm going to
buy a house from her.Copy !req
549. Oh. You didn't call my officeCopy !req
550. and ask them where I was?Copy !req
551. No!
That's so...Copy !req
552. 'Cause the receptionist
told me that a man called,Copy !req
553. but he would only say
that he was my ex-lover.Copy !req
554. - Weird.
- Yeah.Copy !req
555. Sounds like a nice guy.
How have you been?Copy !req
556. I've been great.
How have you been?Copy !req
557. I've been great.
I've been great.Copy !req
558. - Good.
- So, so well.Copy !req
559. Ah!Copy !req
560. This is a beautiful place.Copy !req
561. - Yeah, do you wanna see it?
- How have you been?Copy !req
562. - I—
- I've been great.
- Okay.Copy !req
563. - How've you been?
- I've been great also.Copy !req
564. Good.Copy !req
565. What have we here?Copy !req
566. - Dining room.
- Okay.Copy !req
567. I don't know,Copy !req
568. I mean, people were being
really mean to Meredith...Copy !req
569. But this wasn't really
about Meredith, was it?Copy !req
570. You and Erin were broken up—Copy !req
571. How is that relevant to anything?Copy !req
572. I asked you if it was okay
if I asked her out.Copy !req
573. You said—
And I quote—Copy !req
574. "My good sir,
nothing would make me happierCopy !req
575. than to hand you the hand
of the hand once in my hand."Copy !req
576. I specifically remembered itCopy !req
577. because you said it in such a weird way.Copy !req
578. Well, the only reason
I said thatCopy !req
579. is 'cause you asked me so politely...Copy !req
580. And it was very difficult
for me to say no.Copy !req
581. But upon further reflection,Copy !req
582. I've come to the conclusionCopy !req
583. that you should unhand said handCopy !req
584. and hand it back to this hand.Copy !req
585. Well, it's too late!Copy !req
586. Okay?
You cannot take back permission.Copy !req
587. Furthermore, this does not excuseCopy !req
588. your anger outbursts, given your history.Copy !req
589. My anger outbursts?Copy !req
590. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
591. Which part of the flying
pizza were you scared of?Copy !req
592. Was it the lactose?Copy !req
593. Oh, my God.
What's gonna happen?Copy !req
594. I'll let this slide.Copy !req
595. But I expect you to put this
whole Erin thing behind you.Copy !req
596. Thanks, Gabe.Copy !req
597. - Oh, wow, another living room.
- It's a family room.Copy !req
598. You put the TV there,
you put your family here.Copy !req
599. Michael, why are you here?Copy !req
600. Somebody told meCopy !req
601. that I romanticize relationships.Copy !req
602. You know, we all do that.Copy !req
603. I have herpes.Copy !req
604. What?Copy !req
605. Did you have that while we were together?Copy !req
606. I just found out today.Copy !req
607. It's...
It's right there.Copy !req
608. Oh. Oh. What, that's
what you're talking about?Copy !req
609. Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
610. Did you have a doctor check it out?Copy !req
611. I'm between specialists right now.Copy !req
612. Yes. Yes, Michael.Copy !req
613. Actually, you do make a bigger dealCopy !req
614. out of things than you need to.Copy !req
615. You proposed to me on our fourth date.Copy !req
616. Well, I believe in love at first sight.Copy !req
617. Well, so do I,Copy !req
618. but we didn't love each other
at first either.Copy !req
619. I don't know what you were thinking.Copy !req
620. I know what I was thinking at the time,Copy !req
621. but right now, it just seems ridiculous.Copy !req
622. Excuse me.Copy !req
623. Someone died in the upstairs
bathroom, didn't they?Copy !req
624. - Okay.
- No.Copy !req
625. God! I hate you, stupid jar.Copy !req
626. Worst day of my life.
Oh, Jim, Jim!Copy !req
627. I'm sorry, would you please
open this jar for me?Copy !req
628. I can't get it open.Copy !req
629. - Sure.
- Thanks.Copy !req
630. It's hard, isn't it?Copy !req
631. Yeah.Copy !req
632. Oh, and while I have you,Copy !req
633. I might as well run this by you anyway.Copy !req
634. - You know Ryan, right?
- Sure.Copy !req
635. Well, I know he's capable of love,Copy !req
636. but I don't know if he's
capable of true love, you know?Copy !req
637. Let's just open this thing up,Copy !req
638. get you on your way.Copy !req
639. Ryan said to me that if
he was stuck in heavenCopy !req
640. and he was in hell,
that he wouldn't come with meCopy !req
641. and live in hell.Copy !req
642. Why would he say that?Copy !req
643. I didn't even ask him.Copy !req
644. I have no idea.Copy !req
645. You sure you just don't want
some peanut butter, or...?Copy !req
646. - I had that yesterday.
- Peanut butter and jelly...Copy !req
647. I really had my heart set on fluff.Copy !req
648. God, I don't know what I'm gonna doCopy !req
649. about this Ryan thing.Copy !req
650. You're just gonna hand it back to me?Copy !req
651. We should...
Schedule meetings,Copy !req
652. 'cause the days
can slip away with chitchat.Copy !req
653. Are you crying?Copy !req
654. No. I'm just sweating.Copy !req
655. I don't know what's got you upset,Copy !req
656. but my advice is...
Stop crying.Copy !req
657. I'm not crying.
I'm sweating.Copy !req
658. Look, you need to pick yourself up.Copy !req
659. Man up, all right?Copy !req
660. Son, you will win this in the end.Copy !req
661. It's all about heart...Copy !req
662. And character.Copy !req
663. Be your best self.Copy !req
664. Okay.Copy !req
665. Yeah.Copy !req
666. I have no idea what his problem is.Copy !req
667. It's just my standard advice.Copy !req
668. It's good advice, right?Copy !req
669. Maybe you did make too much of it.Copy !req
670. So good. You don't have to
miss her as much.Copy !req
671. Yeah, I guess it's a relief.Copy !req
672. That's a relief for a lot
of us, let me tell you.Copy !req
673. And full disclosure:
I really was hopingCopy !req
674. to hook you up with my cousin Shirley.Copy !req
675. No, not Shirley, Dwight.
Just drop that, okay?Copy !req
676. Have I told you about Shirley before?Copy !req
677. - Yeah, like a million times.
- She's really nice.Copy !req
678. I—okay, I won't bring up
Shirley anymore,Copy !req
679. but I just wanna say that Holly
has been holding you back.Copy !req
680. If you really put your mind to it,Copy !req
681. you could date a newscaster.Copy !req
682. I appreciate that. Thanks.Copy !req
683. Shirley's a newscaster.Copy !req
684. This is Holly Flax.Copy !req
685. I can't come to the phone right now,Copy !req
686. but please leave a messageCopy !req
687. at the sound of the tiny truck backing up.Copy !req
688. Hi, Holly, it's Michael.Copy !req
689. I just wanted to call and let you knowCopy !req
690. that I was thinking about what you said.Copy !req
691. It's just... you know...Copy !req
692. It's weird.
Today I...Copy !req
693. Ended up seeing a lot of
the women that I used to date,Copy !req
694. and in my mind, they were all great.Copy !req
695. And then when I actually saw them,Copy !req
696. it was mostly a freak show.Copy !req
697. And you and me,Copy !req
698. that must have been a real...
Train wreck.Copy !req
699. You know what?Copy !req
700. Holly, you're wrong.Copy !req
701. You are wrong.Copy !req
702. I remember every second of us.Copy !req
703. And talking to you today...Copy !req
704. I don't feel for them anything
like what I feel for you.Copy !req
705. It's...Copy !req
706. I didn't joke with any of them.Copy !req
707. I joked with you.Copy !req
708. You were the only oneCopy !req
709. who was actually happy to hear from me.Copy !req
710. And I don't know why
you downgraded what we had,Copy !req
711. but I did not make us up.Copy !req
712. Okay.Copy !req
713. Oh, and you might—
You should talk to a doctorCopy !req
714. because you might have herpes.Copy !req
715. Bye.Copy !req
716. What is this about?Copy !req
717. Oscar... we once sucked face in publicCopy !req
718. as part of an office presentationCopy !req
719. to destroy the stigma about gay kissing.Copy !req
720. - Do you recall?
- Yes, and—Copy !req
721. You may have given me a
sexually transmitted disease.Copy !req
722. What?Copy !req
723. Herpes duplex.Copy !req
724. It's probably just
an ingrown mustache hair,Copy !req
725. but we have to be exhaustive.Copy !req
726. I've already contactedCopy !req
727. all of my ex-lovers, except for you.Copy !req
728. We were never lovers.Copy !req
729. I'm gonna need a list of every manCopy !req
730. you've ever had sex with.Copy !req
731. I'm talking train stations, men's rooms...Copy !req
732. Flower shops.
Fireworks celebrations.Copy !req
733. - Fence with a hole in it.
- Moonlit gondola.Copy !req
734. Carriage ride through Central Park.Copy !req
735. The woods behind the liquor store.Copy !req
736. The swamp behind the old folks' home.Copy !req
737. - Electric car dealership.
- The Democratic primary.Copy !req
738. Oscar, think a—Copy !req
739. Think.Copy !req