The Office 7x24

1. It's a beautiful morning at Dunder Mifflin.

2. Or as I like to call it, Great Bratton.

3. Keep it running.

4. Do I love being manager?

5. I love my kids. I love real estate.

6. I love ceramics. I love my job.

7. I love wrestling.

8. Find out what language this is.

9. Okay, team building.

10. On this side of the room, Stanley, Phyllis, Jim, Ted, Elroy.

11. And on this side of the room, Pam, Meredith, Phyllis, Creed...

12. He never called a meeting.

13. Boboddy. Boboddy.

14. What does the first "B" stand for?

15. What are we doing?

16. We're making acronyms. Okay! What does the first "B" stand for?

17. Um, business!

18. I like it!

19. Business. Good, Kevin!

20. All right, the "O."

21. We need a new manager.

22. So, after the Navy, I thought,

23. "Cool, me and America are square. I've done my bit for the flag,

24. "and time for me to look out for myself."

25. I had a buddy in the paper biz so I just dove right in.

26. How was your experience in the Navy?

27. It was nuts. Yeah.

28. I was in Hong Kong three times.

29. Still have pretty crazy flashbacks from that.

30. Really? What kind of thing did you do?

31. Meteorologist.

32. What do you mean, like weather surveillance, or...

33. Predictor. Constantly had to predict the weather,

34. which is... I'm not a god. I'm just a guy in a shack

35. with a pair of binoculars.

36. What do you think about this weather we're having now?

37. Don't even talk to me about the weather, man.

38. It just all comes back to me, you know?

39. There was this one night I predicted it was gonna be warm.

40. I sent 200 men out without their jackets.

41. It was 60 degrees that night,

42. 52, with windchill.

43. You can't imagine their faces shivering through that Carrie Underwood concert.

44. Your paper experience is very interesting.

45. And although it's mostly manufacturing,

46. do you think you could use that experience to inform decisions here?

47. Absolutely, yes.

48. In fact, I actually have a three-step plan

49. that I believe could effectively double your profits.

50. Really? Yeah.

51. What is it?

52. Nice try.

53. I'm sorry. What is your three-step plan?

54. Well, I mean, I can't just hand you my plan.

55. I mean, if you guys give me the job, then you'll get the plan.

56. Well, it's an interview, and we don't know that you really have the plan.

57. I'm not gonna just make up that I have a plan.

58. I got a plan. Believe me, you guys want it. You're in paper, right?

59. How do we know that if you don't...

60. You could just be saying it to get the job.

61. I guess I could be if I was...

62. Who would do that? How about this,

63. why don't you give us a part of the plan,

64. and that way we know you have it.

65. Tell you what? I'll give you part three of part two.

66. Not gonna give you a whole part.

67. Okay.

68. Color-code said documents. T.M.

69. Did you just trademark that? What?

70. That's a verbal trademark. That's an agreement.

71. We are the search committee, hand-picked by our CEO

72. and tasked to find this branch's new manager.

73. Not everyone we meet will be good,

74. but someone's bound to be, right?

75. And to be honest,

76. I think a lot of the decent candidates are right here in house.

77. So, I'm not too worried.

78. But I'm really excited to spend a lot of time with Toby and Gabe.

79. Did you know that Gabe's last name was Lewis?

80. I had no idea.

81. Good morning.

82. Morning. Good morning.

83. Good morning.

84. Did you have a nice drive in?

85. I did.

86. I have a solid relationship with Jo, the company's owner.

87. I have management experience.

88. I have a good friendship with Jim,

89. the head of the search committee.

90. And it doesn't hurt that I'm

91. black!

92. We all know this is a popularity contest.

93. And Darryl's the coolest kid in school.

94. Used to be Jim. Hasn't been Jim in a long time.

95. It's good.

96. It's just words, which will surprise people.

97. Yeah. It's based on a really successful cigarette ad campaign from a while back.

98. Those were good ads. Yeah.

99. They got me smoking when I was eight.

100. I couldn't quit smoking until the government put out better ads about not smoking.

101. I love smoking.

102. I really hope you get it.

103. The manager job? No, I'm barely interested.

104. I just can't not go for it, you know. It's not the Bernard way.

105. We give it the old college try,

106. and then in defeat, we show grace.

107. Still, I'd really like to see this office with you in the boss's chair.

108. Don't even...

109. You in the boss's chair! No.

110. In my family, you don't really go out and get things.

111. If you want something, you write it on a list

112. and then the housekeeper goes out and gets it

113. on Wednesdays and Fridays.

114. So, I don't know. I guess you could say this job is on my list

115. and we'll see what Rosa comes back with.

116. Did you hear anything?

117. Oh, I'm sure they'll let us know when they get the results.

118. It turns out that Erin was born in the basic time and region

119. that I gave away a child.

120. So Phyllis might be my mom.

121. I mean, the chances are tiny, but...

122. Yeah, probably not.

123. I mean, it was a big year for babies.

124. Porky's had come out. Yeah.

125. I'm sure I was just another Porky's baby.

126. But why not find out? Yeah.

127. Should you really be so blatant about that?

128. They won't make me manager, and I won't settle for anything less.

129. I've gone about as far as I can here. That's obvious.

130. I'm going to take my talents elsewhere.

131. Are you really gonna apply for work at Scranton Bread Works?

132. Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.

133. Can you do any better on salary?

134. Unfortunately, that range is set at corporate.

135. What about mileage when I use my car?

136. I mean, gas ain't cheap, you know.

137. We think that 25 cents a mile is pretty generous.

138. How about 27 and...

139. When I make long-distance calls,

140. will they be monitored, or is it on the honor system?

141. Okay.

142. How odd!

143. A very unusual phone call from the Senator's office.

144. The Senator wants me to have lunch with him at the Botanical Gardens.

145. The Botanical Gardens,

146. Scranton's hidden gem.

147. Don't eat any berries you don't recognize.

148. How will your experience selling refinery equipment

149. translate to our smaller scale here?

150. You don't work in sales, do you?

151. Human resources.

152. You see, I sit across from a man,

153. I see his face, I see his eyes.

154. Now, does it matter if he wants $100 of paper

155. or $100 million of deep-sea drilling equipment?

156. Don't be a fool.

157. He wants respect. He wants love.

158. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive.

159. There is no such thing as a product.

160. Don't ever think there is.

161. There is only sex.

162. Everything is sex.

163. You understand that what I'm telling you is a universal truth, Toby?

164. Yes.

165. Okay, I am... I'm almost a little concerned that

166. you might be overqualified for the position.

167. Do you, um... Do you think that you are?

168. Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?

169. No.

170. Can you...

171. You are a man of great confidence.

172. Could you speak a little more to that

173. and what the role of confidence

174. would be in a dialog with a subordinate?

175. Will you be heard?

176. Will you have a voice?

177. Will I steamroll over you?

178. Do you feel heard right now, Jim?

179. Do you have a voice right now?

180. You can answer me. Yes.

181. That was your choice, not mine.

182. The fallacy is that it is up to the steamroller.

183. It is up to the object

184. whether it will be flattened or not.

185. And I can tell just from the small interaction we've had already,

186. you won't be flattened by anybody.

187. Do you agree with me, Jim? Yes.

188. Yes, you do.

189. He creeps me out.

190. But I think he might be a genius.

191. Dwight, there's a call for you on line 2.

192. No, thanks.

193. He's in the shower.

194. Good luck, Darryl.

195. Thank you.

196. Is that the kind of boss he would be?

197. Completely insensitive to the insecurities of other people in this office

198. who might also be interviewing for the manager position

199. and might also want to be wished a little bit of luck

200. 'cause they're kind of spinning out a little bit?

201. I don't want that kind of boss. No, thank you. Not good.

202. Good man, though. Nice guy. My best friend.

203. Think about it.

204. What other mammal, besides humans, drinks the milk of another mammal?

205. I mean, you don't see a bear drinking raccoon milk.

206. How long have you been off dairy?

207. As soon as I can say no to those two pushers, Ben & Jerry.

208. So this is cool. I think we make a good fit.

209. Oh, we haven't started the interview yet.

210. Were you joking?

211. Uh, yes. I was.

212. A little joke.

213. So how would you go about settling

214. interpersonal conflicts within the office?

215. I thought that was your job.

216. Well, it's one of my strengths, but it's the manager's job.

217. Well, for instance, how did you deal with it

218. when two warehouse guys got into a fight?

219. I'll answer that, Jim. I would use it as an opportunity to teach

220. about actions and consequences of actions.

221. Who's that?

222. So I think all we need is a resume and we'll be good, right?

223. I just thought you knew me. Yeah, it's no big deal.

224. Just something that looks like that.

225. Cool?

226. Let me...

227. Oh.

228. Cool.

229. Did you just interview?

230. Oh, unfortunately, yes.

231. What do you mean?

232. That business can't attract anyone.

233. It's awful up there.

234. Those people seem like they're in prison waiting out life sentences

235. in a dying industry.

236. Place must be horrible.

237. I don't know if I want this job.

238. Well, if I get this job offer, then I know that I'm gonna take it.

239. And if I take it, I know that I'm never gonna quit.

240. And then 25 years are gonna go by,

241. and I'm gonna die here.

242. What makes you feel qualified to judge a place after a mere interview?

243. What are you doing?

244. Stop trying to figure me out.

245. I just did. You can't.

246. It's done. No, it's not.

247. I know you now, your nature.

248. You don't know me. You don't know anything about me.

249. I'm done. Get out of my head.

250. Not worth continuing. Stop trying to figure me out.

251. Do you even know anything about paper?

252. How it's made?

253. I saw an episode on how they make paper on Sesame Street.

254. Get out.

255. I'm gonna prevent inferior men from sullying my place of work

256. with their weak, passionless leadership.

257. Do you see my hat? No? That's because I just threw it in the ring.

258. You guys pay for relocation, though, right?

259. Well, why would you need relocation if you already live in Scranton?

260. Well, I'd wanna move further away, you know?

261. Just don't want any chance of running

262. into my coworkers outside the office.

263. Can I ask why you're leaving your current job?

264. I'm leaving my other job because they were all jerks.

265. Really. You know, all of them.

266. You had your jerk-wads and your jerk-offs, so...

267. Just between the wads and the offs, I just thought, "I gotta get out of here."

268. Is this a bad time to be doing this?

269. I know I'm having a bad time.

270. I'm sorry. If we did something to upset you,

271. I'm sure it was inadvertent.

272. Wait.

273. Oh, why did I believe that weirdo in the lobby?

274. These are the nicest people I ever met.

275. Thank you.

276. I'm engaged.

277. Damn, girl.

278. It's gorgeous, Angela.

279. Yeah, I actually know about nice rings, and it is gorgeous.

280. Wow.

281. It's a little flashy. I mean, what am I, Naomi Judd?

282. Tell us the freaking story!

283. Yeah, tell us a story.

284. Okay. He took me to the replica of Monet's Japanese Bridge.

285. And then he put this flower behind my ear, which normally I would hate,

286. 'cause it's so civil rights-y.

287. Then he got down on one knee and he said,

288. "Will you be a senator's wife?"

289. He talked about himself in the third person?

290. Yes, Pam. Not everyone is as informal as you and Jim.

291. "Hey, Pam, dude, whatever. Wanna marry me?"

292. That's not accurate.

293. Then I saw flashes. So, reporters were there.

294. They always find us. And everyone was crying.

295. Even his aide.

296. Angela's engaged to a gay man.

297. As a gay man, I'm horrified.

298. As a friend of Angela's, horrified.

299. As a lover of elegant weddings, I'm a little excited.

300. But overall, horrified.

301. Andy? You all set?

302. Okay, guys. It's time.

303. It's pep talk time. Tell me what I need to hear.

304. Hmm, are you sure this is a good idea? I...

305. I hate to see you disappointed.

306. That's not what I was hoping for.

307. Okay, I just want someone to tell me, "You're gonna do great."

308. You'll do great. Come on.

309. You guys are my best friends.

310. I'd be happy if Andy were boss. He listens to my stories.

311. And they're not all A-plus stories, let's be honest.

312. But you know what? He always listens like they're A-plus.

313. Well, some are A-plus.

314. I think Andy should be the boss.

315. He's just so great.

316. If I'm being objective, then Darryl, of course.

317. So, Andy, what improvements would you make as office manager?

318. For starters, I really think we can streamline communication around here.

319. Whoa. That's a very heavy accusation to level against Toby.

320. I wasn't accusing...

321. Well, Toby's in charge of human resources.

322. That would include communication.

323. I think that Toby's done a fine job.

324. Right. I really wasn't trying to insult anyone.

325. I didn't think you were.

326. I have two relationships with Andy.

327. I have a personal relationship,

328. and I have a professional relationship.

329. Personally, yeah, I think he's a rat

330. and I think he's responsible for the demise

331. of my relationship with Erin.

332. Professionally...

333. He broke up the happiest couple in this office.

334. How many windows are there in New York City?

335. What? Critical thinking.

336. Common on-the-spot question asked in an interview.

337. Okay. Uh, let me think. Are you counting car windows?

338. No. How far away is the sun?

339. Ninety-three million miles.

340. Is it? Yeah.

341. And the diameter of the sun is 870,000 miles,

342. which makes it 109 times wider than the Earth

343. and 333,000 times heavier than the Earth.

344. Shut up about the sun.

345. Shut up about the sun!

346. Okay, I'm not a doctor,

347. but I think the medical term for that was a spaz out.

348. Gabe just lost it.

349. That's the best part about convening a tribunal.

350. One bunal can go down, and you still have two bunals left.

351. Right?

352. Andy, how'd it go?

353. I don't want to brag, but...

354. I did my best.

355. Hello!

356. I forgot something in my car.

357. You guys are so cute. When are you gonna get back together?

358. Never. We're just friends.

359. Oh!

360. Okay, my mistake.

361. You know, you could have any man in this whole office with your legs.

362. I say go for it, if you're interested.

363. But you're not, so never mind.

364. I am unhappy with the confusing

365. and, at times, confrontational nature of that meeting.

366. I wanted it to go better.

367. I wanted it to go better!

368. Yes, there used to be a paper clip that would pop up and say,

369. "Looks like you are writing a letter or resume. Would you like help?"

370. I believe his name was Clippy.

371. First of all, I wanna thank you

372. for your years of patronizing our company.

373. I've got some bad news. We're going out of business.

374. Saving face.

375. Yep, yep. I understand that.

376. Basically everything's falling apart here.

377. How is this on me?

378. Hang up.

379. Corporate needs you to find the differences

380. between this picture and this picture.

381. Intel has told us there were at least seven.

382. Okay. I already see one. Give me.

383. Okay.

384. They're the same picture.

385. Well, I manage my department, and I've been doing that for several years now.

386. And, God, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way.

387. Your department's just you, right?

388. Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.

389. Great. Um, can we just...

390. What was that?

391. We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today, so...

392. Am I not a serious candidate?

393. What do you want me to say?

394. I mean, there's a line of qualified people out there.

395. We have a video CV from England.

396. Are we all just gonna pretend to...

397. Okay. Um...

398. What are your weaknesses?

399. I don't have any,

400. Erin, I believe you have my resume on file.

401. Please print out four copies on 32-pound cotton stock, bright white.

402. No...

403. Ivory. Yes, sir.

404. Who's in there now? Kelly.

405. For God's sake.

406. So, Kelly, what do you think the future holds for the paper business?

407. Me peeing on Gabe's corpse.

408. I want an interview.

409. How's the family? Good.

410. Good? Are they good? Yeah.

411. What's your daughter's name again? Pee Pee?

412. Peepa.

413. Peepa. How is she?

414. Great. Great!

415. Oh, that's great.

416. We never were very good at small talk, were we, Jim?

417. No. Now, listen...

418. You're not getting an interview, Dwight.

419. The whole point of this search committee process

420. is to prevent hiring someone like you ever again.

421. Okay. I know why you're saying that, Jim.

422. I really do. But think of it this way.

423. The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat

424. is the strong hand you want on the wheel.

425. Okay. That's vivid.

426. Now, I'm gonna make you an offer, okay?

427. You even do so little as grant me an interview,

428. I will guarantee you your dream work life, okay?

429. You roll in at 10:00 a.m.

430. to your own private reserved parking spot,

431. pick up your daily free coffee from Dwight's Caffeine Corner,

432. unlimited sex breaks for you and Pam.

433. Yikes. Erin will eat garbage for your entertainment.

434. Wow. You know how I like taking bribes.

435. But unfortunately, Jo also took the job away from you

436. because she doesn't trust your judgment.

437. So how would that look for me if I recommended you?

438. Fine, I'll do it without you.

439. You'll regret this. Okay.

440. Let me get that for you.

441. Thank you. Okay.

442. As long as you keep it moist, it's easier to work with.

443. And I can't just use a tube of crescent rolls?

444. You know what, go to McDonald's for dinner. Why cook?

445. Okay.

446. Pam,

447. I think Robert is gay.

448. The Senator?

449. He was married before, and he has a kid.

450. So... And don't say that thing

451. about how lots of gay guys have kids.

452. I have a very strong suspicion.

453. Did you?

454. Oh! No.

455. No.

456. Did you see him at a bathhouse?

457. What bathhouse?

458. The windowless building by the Baskin Robbins.

459. What?

460. Forget it. I'm never gonna know what goes on there.

461. David Brent. Inspirer.

462. None of your business.

463. Young, free and single, though. Thanks for asking.

464. Hear you're looking for a new boss, yeah?

465. Someone to tell a bunch of discontented, under-encouraged drones

466. what to do every day.

467. Is that it? Our out-of-touch powers that be.

468. Want me to fire them? They don't see things your way?

469. Then I ain't that dude. Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye.

470. Get some other corporate suit to lay down the law.

471. What? You've changed your mind?

472. You're now looking for a leader of men?

473. Ipso facto. Women too.

474. When do I start?

475. Eh?

476. Hey. Hi. Hey.

477. I realized I never paid you back for that lunch you paid for, like, a month ago.

478. Yeah, don't worry about it.

479. Well, it's money.

480. I was thinking I could make dinner for you tonight, like a Middle Eastern feast.

481. Chicken shawarmas, shish kebabs, pita with hummus.

482. Well, I think I only lent you like $3. That would be so much more trouble.

483. Just bring the money tomorrow. No big deal.

484. Or else I'll break your legs.

485. Not if I can help it.

486. My friend at the Scranton Blade

487. is totally plugged into these matters.

488. You're in the gay mafia.

489. You're thinking of another group, much wealthier, much older.

490. You sound ignorant.

491. You guys, um, talking senator?

492. No. No.

493. Why would we be talking about the Senator?

494. 'Cause he's totally gay.

495. How do I know that Robert is gay?

496. He "liked" my Facebook photos at 3:00 in the morning.

497. It was a really good photo, though.

498. Do you know what it took to get Bob to notice me?

499. I waited in his office every morning

500. wearing nothing but kitty cat ears.

501. I did that every day for two weeks.

502. And on the tenth day, he walked in,

503. he was naked too, except a dog nose.

504. Guess what we did then? Bestiality.

505. I don't think I can do that...

506. Yeah.

507. That's not my personality.

508. If my daughter were asking me...

509. Yes?

510. I would say if you want someone, if you really want them,

511. go get them.

512. I do really want him.

513. So, uh, here you go.

514. Great. Hope it's all right.

515. I'm sure it's fine.

516. The guy who was in here earlier, interviewed after me,

517. how'd he do?

518. Howard Klein? No, no, no, no.

519. That's not who I'm talking about.

520. Oh. Deshawn Williams.

521. Yes. How did he do?

522. He's an amazing man. He's a Rhodes Scholar.

523. He invented an app that invents apps. Fantastic kisser.

524. Come on, man. I'm being serious. Don't joke.

525. Darryl, we all know you.

526. Your interview is not nearly as important as the other guy's.

527. First I'll take down the cubicle walls.

528. But there aren't... Symbol of transparency.

529. There'd be no titles.

530. Everyone has the same job.

531. Same goes for me.

532. I'll take your job, but I'd reject the title.

533. A little unspecific.

534. Everyone would be known for their accomplishments.

535. That's very interesting. Um...

536. I feel like there might be a conflict there,

537. and if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with?

538. Oh. Yeah.

539. Hmm.

540. Scratch everything from before. I'll tell you what I'd do.

541. Go the other way.

542. More cubicles.

543. More division.

544. Everyone is somebody's boss,

545. and that person can fire the person below them.

546. And once a month, the lowest-performing person...

547. Bye-bye.

548. How would you compare like an accountant and HR?

549. Well, I'll tell you how, shall I?

550. I'll tell you how. Okay.

551. By splitting the difference.

552. Just somewhere in the middle.

553. I think that's probably all we need to hear from...

554. Zen office.

555. Hmm?

556. Thought of that? That's what I'd do.

557. Everyone takes their shoes off before they come in.

558. Okay? There'd be no desks. You just sit on the floor.

559. That's very...

560. You've got a Thai woman out in the back...

561. Saki.

562. Okay. Saki.

563. That's not...

564. Saki is her name, okay?

565. She's administering massage, all right, if you need it.

566. If you don't, whatever. Just talk to her. She's a person.

567. Either way, 15 minutes of that, and you...

568. You are cracking to go.

569. Office of the future.

570. Like the inside of a Virgin airplane.

571. Telecommuting, all right? Everyone's at home.

572. The office is just a big empty space. It's just full of screens.

573. Sony. Sony. Everything's just Sony, made of Sony.

574. From Sony.

575. I don't think that's how telecommuting works.

576. And then we sell tickets to tourists for them to see the office of the future.

577. Okay. Wow. Cutting edge.

578. You have to hire me.

579. There's no ideas left.

580. That's all the ideas there is.

581. There's a lot more where they came from.

582. Jim, what can you tell us? Is there a frontrunner?

583. You know what? They all just sort of blend together after a while.

584. Well, there must be someone who stands out.

585. No, not at all. In fact, I'm not even taking it seriously.

586. I think at the end of the day, I'm just gonna pick a name out of the hat.

587. Well...

588. The hell you will!

589. I worked for the last boss for 15 years.

590. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years

591. if I wanna keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle,

592. which I intend to.

593. Oh, no, Stanley. You'll live forever.

594. My next boss will be my last boss. He'll be at my funeral.

595. So I would appreciate it if you would take this seriously.

596. You pick a crappy boss, you're responsible for my crappy life.

597. Okay, everybody. I was just making a joke.

598. I am taking it seriously. I promise.

599. Are you?

600. Little advice? Take a day off from the whole Jim shtick.

601. Try caring about something.

602. You might like how it feels, James.

603. Gabe, honey!

604. Oh, lord. Take all this.

605. All right.

606. Here.

607. Jim.

608. Did you hear Stern this morning?

609. No. Was he good? Uh, Robin was good.

610. She's always good. Keeps him on his toes.

611. It's Howard's show, though.

612. Whose is this?

613. Darryl Philbin.

614. Oh. Very nice to see a familiar face on top.

615. My, a little long, aren't we? Four pages?

616. Is this the same Darryl Philbin

617. who's had two jobs in 10 years at one company?

618. Yes, thanks to you who promoted me after we, uh, interfaced.

619. "Coordinated and implemented receipt, storage,

620. "and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory."

621. 2.5 billion, Darryl? 2.5 billion units of what?

622. Paper material, ma'am.

623. Paper material?

624. Pieces of paper.

625. Anybody have a calculator?

626. You figure what?

627. Five hundred sheets a ream, 24 reams a case,

628. how long you worked here...

629. I can see how you landed in that ballpark.

630. Laid end to end, it's enough to almost stretch 60% of the way to the moon.

631. I think this resume almost stretches halfway to the moon.

632. Jo, may I speak to you for a second?

633. Or what? You gonna shoot me?

634. Oh, I enjoy laughing at my mistakes

635. because I've learned so much from them.

636. I'd like to be interviewed for the position.

637. I'll interview you right now.

638. Okay. Question one.

639. Ever shot a gun in the office?

640. It's complicated.

641. Yeah, but see, it's not.

642. I will not give up. I won't even be discouraged.

643. Why? Because managing this office is my destiny.

644. My only potential obstacle is

645. if becoming manager is someone else's destiny as well.

646. But, hey, if this is a case of clashing destinies,

647. enjoy the show.

648. I don't think we should tell her.

649. Angela went a whole day without telling me I had lettuce in my teeth.

650. Screw her.

651. I'm a woman. I would want to know.

652. Yeah. You gotta know.

653. Okay. But if Angela can get a gay man to marry her,

654. maybe I could get a lesbian to marry me. Huh?

655. Huh? That's hot.

656. You have met a lesbian in real life, right?

657. What we should warn her about is that the whole institution of marriage

658. is corrupt. That's the lie.

659. Okay, we're not talking about that.

660. We're not talking about marriage.

661. You know, this probably is her last chance at a family.

662. She does seem happy.

663. You're right. You're right.

664. She seems happy. We don't tell her.

665. We don't tell her. Okay.

666. So what else should we gossip about?

667. I know, like who's gonna be the new manager, right?

668. Will it be...

669. Me? Yes. Yes, it will.

670. Yeah, right.

671. Excuse me, Ms. Bennett, may I have a word?

672. Okay.

673. Uh, can it be in private?

674. Don't worry. It's not about you.

675. As minority executive, I think it's my responsibility

676. to let you know that Gabe is gross.

677. I don't think it's professional

678. that he was sleeping with the receptionist,

679. and then when Erin dumped him so that she could be with Andy,

680. he became a total crazy stalker psycho.

681. Welcome to Scranton, Jo, land of 1,000 problems only you can fix.

682. Oh, for God's sake.

683. He's texting me his resume one line at a time.

684. These are costing me 10 cents apiece, you jackass.

685. I'm roaming!

686. Get me our biggest client on the phone, right this instant.

687. Who is our biggest client?

688. Uh, just put him through to me.

689. Okay.

690. Hello, this is the client.

691. It's Creed.

692. FYI. I'm starting my own paper company.

693. Looking to poach some chumps. You in?

694. Yes.

695. Cool! Let's keep this on the Q. T., okay?

696. I don't want you to be a dead mamma jamma.

697. Great. Bye-bye.

698. Get me our second biggest client.

699. This is great. I love work.

700. Again?

701. Hold, please.

702. Hello?

703. Who is this?

704. This is your second biggest client.

705. I want you to listen very carefully. I'm gonna sing you a song.

706. Jo, you have one more candidate.

707. He's a burn victim. Huh?

708. He's all messed up.

709. I can tell him to get lost if you want.

710. No. Send him in.

711. Who is this?

712. I have no idea. I know this guy.

713. Um...

714. Hello, Mr. Souvenier. Mr. Jacques Souvenier?

715. Nice to meet you. It says here you're French?

716. So you worked at your last job for 15 years

717. as assistant to the regional manager.

718. Assistant regional manager.

719. Assistant to the regional manager.

720. Assistant regional manager. What is it?

721. Assistant regional manager.

722. That's my mistake. Sorry about that.

723. The last paper company you worked for burned to the ground?

724. And all because they wouldn't hire a manager who lived and breathed paper.

725. That's a travesty.

726. I wanna talk to Dwight Schrute for a second.

727. I wanna ask him a question.

728. Get Dwight.

729. If he isn't here in 60 seconds...

730. Wait, wait! No. Stop, stop. Jo...

731. It's me. I'm Dwight.

732. No.

733. No. Wait. But...

734. I mean, you're Dwight and then...

735. He's the...

736. Yeah.

737. Oh.

738. Very unprofessional, Jacques. Or should I say Dwight?

739. Let's just say I had hired this Jacques Souvenier. Then what?

740. I would have dressed this way every day,

741. legally changed my name,

742. learned French sign language, shown up,

743. and been the best damn branch manager you'd ever seen.

744. All that for this job. Yes.

745. That's crazy.

746. Get out of here.

747. What a nut job.

748. This guy was good. Although he did keep saying

749. that he needed two weeks off right at the beginning

750. for a trip to the Finger Lakes.

751. Seriously, every five minutes he was like,

752. "Hey, just making sure the Finger Lakes thing is clear."

753. Okay. It's fun to talk about the rejects, but who's got you excited?

754. Finger Lakes guy is good.

755. Darryl is also very good.

756. You know, I just wish we'd find a candidate that knows the company

757. as well as, say, some of the people on this committee,

758. you know, who've been here for a long time.

759. Interesting.

760. It'd be a demotion for Gabe and Jim's not interested, so...

761. Are you trying to tell me you should be manager?

762. You pulling a Dick Cheney?

763. No, I'm just saying if we can't find someone...

764. Yeah, sure, I could do it.

765. You're funny. Little Dick Cheney.

766. You want it? Ask for it.

767. Say you're the best man for the job.

768. I would work really hard, and, I mean, you could do worse.

769. 'Cause... For God's sake.

770. Who's this fellow? Went to Cornell.

771. What's wrong with him?

772. How much time do you have?

773. Sales ability, none.

774. Integrity? See sales ability.

775. And that's your unbiased opinion. Yes, it is.

776. So it's not relevant that he took the receptionist away from you.

777. Oh, Jo. Jo, I'm disappointed in you.

778. Some people let personal things into the work...

779. Is she with him? Because I thought that she's just...

780. Gabe!

781. Back when I bought this place, I was looking for a ghost.

782. Somebody to flitter around, spooking people,

783. keeping them on their toes, and then disappear.

784. My girlfriend said she knew a man who looked like a ghost,

785. and he went to business school.

786. But a ghost ain't supposed to date people.

787. You think you're Beetlejuice? No.

788. I'm no Beetlejuice. You're no good to me up here.

789. You got all close to these people, got involved in their lives.

790. Let's get you back to Florida.

791. We'll figure out something for you.

792. That sounds like a promotion.

793. It's not.

794. Let's get Kelly in here to take his place.

795. Uh, why Kelly?

796. 'Cause Gabe's tall and weak. She's short and strong.

797. I'm doing an opposites thing.

798. Okay.

799. How'd my girl Nelly do?

800. Oh, I didn't know you knew her.

801. She didn't mention it? No.

802. The integrity move. I like it.

803. Yeah, we met at some dumb Women in Business seminar.

804. I was the speaker, and she was the only person there

805. who wasn't trying to sell some Curves ripoff.

806. You know, she also gave me reason to think

807. that maybe she wasn't a good fit.

808. Well, I'm not saying you must hire her.

809. If you find someone who's clearly a fit, then fine.

810. Just make sure they fit real good.

811. No more manager turnover. Don't mess this up, Jim.

812. And give Dwight an interview.

813. I like a little bit of crazy.

814. Erin, what are you doing?

815. I've been turned into a puppet.

816. Okay.

817. Look at the puppet. Hi, puppet.

818. Who are you?

819. I was going to put on a puppet show today

820. to warn people about the faulty outlet behind the fax machine.

821. But change of plan.

822. I went to drop off the FedEx forms,

823. and an evil witch named Angela turned me into a puppet!

824. Yeah. Low blow, puppet.

825. And there's only one thing that can change me back into a real girl.

826. It's good.

827. It's just that I wish the puppets would talk more about the alphabet.

828. Not for me, but if any kids are watching.

829. A, B... And so forth.

830. You know.

831. M, N, L, O, P.

832. F.

833. I need the most special thing in the office.

834. Silence?

835. A date with the best salesman,

836. Andy Bernard!

837. Hey, Erin.

838. Where'd you learn how to puppet like that?

839. I've done it all my life. Listen, I'm really flattered,

840. but I don't think we should.

841. Erin's my best friend in this office, hands down.

842. But

843. when she asked me out, I just didn't have that feeling, you know?

844. Aren't there some things that you really want to like

845. but you just can't seem to like it?

846. Like Mad Men or football.

847. Let's not forget. Erin chose Gabe over me.

848. That happened.

849. I'm not gonna apologize for getting over her, okay?

850. I'm sorry. I would go for someone who's more...

851. She's great, though.

852. Hey, Jim. Elevator man. Hey. Yup. All right.

853. So, listen.

854. I feel like I came off terribly today, and I want to just start over.

855. What can I do? Should I call Jo or...

856. Maybe have my old boss call her. Listen, listen, listen.

857. This isn't you, okay?

858. The Darryl we all love, he's calm, he's confident.

859. So, just be that guy. Okay.

860. All right? Okay, yeah.

861. I was thinking that. All right.

862. Thanks. Means a lot. Yup.

863. Of course.

864. Stanley, I won't be able to invite everyone to the wedding,

865. because we wanna keep it to 350.

866. I'll get over it.

867. I mean, we just have to see how many senators

868. and members of Congress want to attend

869. before we can open it up to regular people.

870. Pam, you know how you and Jim did your ironic wedding?

871. Do you still have the plans for the dream wedding that you couldn't afford?

872. That was our dream wedding.

873. Niagara Falls?

874. Pregnant? That was your dream?

875. Pork medallions?

876. I hope you have a very beautiful wedding, Angela.

877. So, Angela, are you looking forward to your wedding night?

878. What goes on in our bedroom is none of your business, Phyllis.

879. Or yours.

880. Oscar, you build up these enemies in your head

881. and you want to see them suffer.

882. But the thing is, you don't.

883. You don't.

884. Oh, Oscar.

885. All right.

886. Name. Dwight Schrute.

887. Thank you, Mr. Schnoot. We will let you know.

888. You have to interview me. I just did.

889. The answer to that one question told me everything I need to know.

890. How did I do? To be honest,

891. I'm leaning towards another man. His name is Jacques Souvenier.

892. But would you like to be his number two?

893. God, it's gonna be hard, but, yeah, I would do it.

894. Okay, well, there's a lot to think about,

895. so we will get back to you. No.

896. I demand more questions.

897. All right, guys. Good day.

898. A lot of candidates. Let's discuss.

899. Okay, if you're not gonna interview me, then I'll do it.

900. Yes.

901. What will be your first priority?

902. I will have seven first priorities.

903. Safety, profits,

904. fostering a community of self-reliance and entrepreneurship,

905. listening, respect for human life,

906. bolstering our public image, and getting everyone home on time.

907. Dwight, let me be frank,

908. in an accident that no one can blame you for,

909. an antique gun was discharged while you were acting manager.

910. How are we ever to trust you again?

911. That's a great question.

912. I am going to institute a strict "No firearms" policy for this office

913. that extends to myself as well.

914. Wow. All of my concerns are disappearing.

915. Thank you, Dwight. Thank you.

916. You'll be hearing from us shortly, Mr. Schrute,

917. and I think you're going to like the call you're going to receive.

918. Oh, come on.

919. I'm just happy that I got this meeting.

920. Well, that was quick.

921. Very, very interesting.

922. And you know what? I'm impressed.

923. He's not a real candidate.

924. I don't know, Jim, 'cause it makes me think about something

925. that my grandfather used to say,

926. which is that sometimes the hand that jumps out of the grave

927. and grabs you around the throat,

928. that is the hand that you want on the wheel.

929. You took the deal. Yeah. It was a great deal.

930. That's not okay.

931. I don't know, Dwight seems like a great leader to me,

932. and I look forward to the personal perks that he promised me privately.

933. What do you think, Toby?

934. Well, we could try him out for a little while,

935. and if it doesn't work out, you know, maybe one of us could, you know, step in.

936. What is happening right now?

937. Is it true that you're making Dwight the manager?

938. No. Why would you think that?

939. Well, he and Kelly said, then they pre-fired me.

940. Okay.

941. Okay, guys, just so you all know, no decision has been made.

942. And Dwight is definitely not the boss.

943. That is correct actually, Dwight is not the manager yet.

944. No, no, no, not ever, 'cause that's not gonna happen.

945. Well, it's not entirely up to you, is it?

946. Seems to me like someone is getting a little power mad.

947. Am I the only one who remembers what he did when he was in charge?

948. I feel like I'm going a little bit crazy.

949. Tuna, you're completely sane. Thank you.

950. Who do you like for the job?

951. Is there anyone who maybe was a little underwhelming at first

952. but now seems like a safe, if not slightly unexciting, choice?

953. Okay. It seems like everybody has an opinion, so who else?

954. Anybody? Do you mean it?

955. Anybody? Are you sure?

956. I suppose I am.

957. Okay. Well, what do I want in a manager?

958. Let me see.

959. What do I want?

960. I don't think he meant...

961. Hey, so now anyone gets to talk at any time?

962. Go ahead.

963. What do I want?

964. I'm looking for someone who...

965. Everyone is listening to me.

966. Can I say... Yes.

967. I think it should be Darryl.

968. Okay. What a surprise.

969. Minorities sticking together.

970. Kelly's on your side.

971. I'm sorry, is that all you think of me? A minority?

972. I am so much more than that. I am a dancer. I'm a singer. I'm a fashion designer.

973. Whoever it is, I think they should be lame.

974. Kind of a non-threatening, moderate personality.

975. I want an outsider. Perfect.

976. There are several outside candidates that we think would be...

977. No, I mean an outsider.

978. Like someone on the margins of society

979. who doesn't see things the way we do, like a homeless person.

980. A homeless person. Really?

981. A homeless person.

982. No. You're right, Pam. Let's just leave them

983. to the welfare system and let that handle it.

984. No, I want you to say that you think

985. the best person to be our new manager is a homeless person.

986. Let me guess who you want, Pam.

987. Rachael Ray? The ladies of The View?

988. I got away with everything under the last boss,

989. and it wasn't good for me at all.

990. So I want guidance. I want leadership.

991. But don't just, like, boss me around, you know?

992. Like, lead me.

993. Lead me when I'm in the mood to be led.

994. I just want, for once,

995. a smart, professional, decisive, well-hung man in his 40s.

996. Hey, hey, hey! Okay, fine.

997. Uh, the guy with the tiny penis.

998. Are you happy? Let's hire that guy!

999. She may have a point there.

1000. Would a small penis work?

1001. Small to moderate.

1002. Gotta catch a plane.

1003. Hey, Gabe, I'm sorry.

1004. We didn't get you a cake or anything.

1005. We're gonna miss you.

1006. Well, I'm still the corporate liaison to the branch.

1007. You are not leaving without giving me a hug.

1008. Ugh.

1009. Okay, you know what? You don't need to make that sound.

1010. I'm sorry. You were just a lot bonier than I thought you were gonna be!

1011. There are plenty of people who love touching me.

1012. I'm a terrific hugger.

1013. I've been with a bunch of girls

1014. where that's basically all they wanna do.

1015. I will see you all soon. Later, man.

1016. We'll miss you. Good luck.

1017. Good luck at your new job.

1018. Take care, man. Gonna miss you, Gabe.

1019. Listen up. Listen up, ladies.

1020. I want the job.

1021. There. I said it.

1022. I'm educated, I'm capable, I like all of you,

1023. and I won't make any changes.

1024. I see it.

1025. I see it like I see a mountain that I'm standing in front of and facing and I'm liking.

1026. Yeah. Yeah.

1027. Andy would be wonderful as boss.

1028. Erin made a good point.

1029. No. We're not related. I got the call.

1030. But I'll tell her some other day.

1031. Okay, what's going on?

1032. I thought I told you guys to expand the company.

1033. It looks exactly the same. I'm very disappointed.

1034. Jordana, get me Jo on the phone.

1035. Okay, nobody say anything.

1036. Hey, Creed, this is Jo. No, don't say another word.

1037. I need you to take a nap right now. Yes.

1038. I want to talk to you in your dream. Lay down and put the phone...

1039. Great. Very good. Okay, you gonna go to sleep.

1040. Okay, I think we have about 40 minutes.

1041. What about Darryl?

1042. We can all agree that he's a standup guy, right?

1043. Very nice, laid back. Overall, just a good guy.

1044. What if he brings some of those warehouse types up here?

1045. They're not carnies.

1046. Can we see a birth certificate?

1047. I mean, how do we know he wasn't born in Mubajuba or something?

1048. What difference would that make?

1049. I'm just saying American jobs should go to Americans.

1050. Meredith, you can't just spit in the office.

1051. Okay, I went too far.

1052. Angela.

1053. Well, let me be clear. I only speak for myself,

1054. and not myself and the Senator.

1055. I think we have some wonderful candidates,

1056. and there is a great lively debate here.

1057. But let's think about... No. No.

1058. No. Sorry. We cut Kevin off for the same thing.

1059. You have to have something to say if you talk.

1060. Exactly.

1061. Jada. No, no, no. Jada, what are you...

1062. Oh. So sorry, guys.

1063. I hope my family didn't disrupt your meeting.

1064. Daddy, are these the people who are making you manager?

1065. Maybe, sweetheart.

1066. Single dad. Challenges.

1067. I don't know if he'd be a good manager,

1068. but he's a really great dad.

1069. Okay. This was a mistake. Let's go.

1070. It seems like we all know enough to vote. Should we just vote now?

1071. What? No, no, no. It's not a vote.

1072. Then what was this all about? I don't know.

1073. This conversation really got away from me.

1074. I don't care. They can just vote.

1075. No, they can't.

1076. That's not how this is gonna work.

1077. We're going in this room. We're gonna have a meeting.

1078. We're gonna make a recommendation to Jo,

1079. and she's gonna give you her recommendation on Monday, okay?

1080. What the hell happened out there?

1081. Sometimes you hear people talking about failing upwards.

1082. I think I'm about to do that.

1083. This job? Oh, yeah, I'll get it.

1084. Jo's an old friend.

1085. I think I'm her best friend.

1086. She's not my best friend.

1087. Every day, I have a blueberry muffin.

1088. Today I did not have a blueberry muffin.

1089. Should have had the blueberry muffin.

1090. Especially considering how incredibly superstitious I am.

1091. No. I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

1092. I will be the new boss of...

1093. Vance Refrigeration.

1094. Honestly, I think I sabotaged myself.

1095. It's like I'm afraid of being happy.

1096. Case in point,

1097. I was supposed to start another job today.

1098. I will get offered the job.

1099. That's a call I've received many times.

1100. The slight hopefulness in their voice, the pregnant pause

1101. while they wait to hear my response.

1102. And then my response.

1103. I want the job. I really do.

1104. It's just the rest of my family's in the Finger Lakes right now.

1105. I'm supposed to be in the Finger Lakes right now.

1106. I told them I was on a hike, snuck away to do this interview.

1107. I gotta get back pretty soon. They'll worry.

1108. People disappear in the Finger Lakes.

1109. I will run this branch or I will destroy this branch.

1110. Or, I don't know. Something always works out.

1111. You remind me so much of my fourth biggest client.

1112. Is that right?

1113. I think you two should meet.

1114. Well, okay...

1115. Hey, Jordana, patch my ninth and my fourth biggest client together.

1116. Hello?

1117. Hello!

1118. Hi, how are you?

1119. Oh, I'm good!

1120. Don't you just love paper and things about paper?

1121. Hey, are you single?

1122. This seems like a love connection to me!

1123. It's kismet.

1124. Personally, I think Darryl would be good.

1125. It has to be Darryl, or someone I don't know.

1126. I thought the woman who came in,

1127. she seemed like she had a fun energy.

1128. I'm not a sexist. I just really don't want it to be a woman.

1129. I just feel that women are generally less competent than men

1130. and less rational.

1131. Again, I'm not a sexist.

1132. Even Andy... They need to pick someone.

1133. Just someone. Fast.