1. We can get Deangelo flowers.Copy !req
2. No, you can't get flowersCopy !req
3. for someone who's in a coma.Copy !req
4. They'll wilt
before he wakes up.Copy !req
5. - Yeah, that's true.
- Good point.Copy !req
6. All in favorCopy !req
7. of the baskets
full of chocolates,Copy !req
8. Teddy bears, and balloons.Copy !req
9. Wait, wait.
All in favorCopy !req
10. of the knapsack
filled with canned goods,Copy !req
11. chainsaw, gasoline,
and emergency radioCopy !req
12. in case he wakes up
post-apocalypse...Copy !req
13. Nope.
Baskets have it.Copy !req
14. So as it turns out,
unless you're a young childCopy !req
15. or a prison inmate,Copy !req
16. you don't need anyone
supervising you.Copy !req
17. People just come in
and do their workCopy !req
18. on their schedule.Copy !req
19. Imagine that— People like us
allowed to sell paper.Copy !req
20. Unsupervised.Copy !req
21. And yet, somehow it works.Copy !req
22. It must be because
the stakes are so high.Copy !req
23. Well, I really
appreciate the offer,Copy !req
24. but I'm just happy
the way things are.Copy !req
25. Okay. Thank you.Copy !req
26. That was Jo asking me
if I wanted to take overCopy !req
27. as acting manager
while they find a replacement.Copy !req
28. I told her...Copy !req
29. I don't want to mess
this up, right?Copy !req
30. There's a consensus.
People are happy.Copy !req
31. Dwight Schrute.Copy !req
32. Yes, I would.Copy !req
33. Thank you.Copy !req
34. Jordan.Copy !req
35. Gather my things from my desk.Copy !req
36. Wait...Copy !req
37. What have you done?Copy !req
38. Mose...Copy !req
39. You'll never guess
where I am right now.Copy !req
40. Aaaaahhhhh!Copy !req
41. Can't stay there all day.Copy !req
42. I'm coming.Copy !req
43. Do I at least get to
go with you in this fantasy?Copy !req
44. You'd slow me down.Copy !req
45. Dwight has been acting manager
for... Three months now.Copy !req
46. No. A week.Copy !req
47. Just feels like three months.Copy !req
48. Let's see...Copy !req
49. We all have to punch into
a time clockCopy !req
50. which is very old, very strong,Copy !req
51. and has a slot
about the size of a finger.Copy !req
52. We were all given
new business cardsCopy !req
53. big enough to set us apart
from the competition.Copy !req
54. Which is how I learned
that our titlesCopy !req
55. are all now junior employee.Copy !req
56. Our lunch breaks are staggered
to prevent wasting time.Copy !req
57. Mine's at 10:30.Copy !req
58. And I find that the first
hour of the day goes byCopy !req
59. a lot quicker
than the second seven hours.Copy !req
60. Stop stalling.Copy !req
61. Come on.Copy !req
62. I pledge allegiance
to the flagCopy !req
63. of the United States of AmericaCopy !req
64. and to the Republic
for which it stands,Copy !req
65. one nation, under God,Copy !req
66. indivisible,Copy !req
67. with liberty and justice
for all.Copy !req
68. - Amen.
- Excellent.Copy !req
69. Morning announcements.Copy !req
70. There's been a problem with some
people sharing copier codes.Copy !req
71. Your copier code
is a distinct 21-digit numberCopy !req
72. that is unique to you
and you only, okay?Copy !req
73. Don't share it.Copy !req
74. Jo Bennett, our ceo,
will be here todayCopy !req
75. for a high-level meeting
involving Gabe and myself.Copy !req
76. Ooh. About what?Copy !req
77. That's on
a need-to-know basis.Copy !req
78. I thought I needed to know
for your calendar.Copy !req
79. General meet and greet.Copy !req
80. So I expect you to be
on your best behavior,Copy !req
81. which means none of you
will be insubordinateCopy !req
82. nor will you
foment insurrection.Copy !req
83. Question. If we've already
fomented insurrection,Copy !req
84. may we be grandfathered in?Copy !req
85. - Define foment.
- You define foment.Copy !req
86. Please take note of the new
color-coding system.Copy !req
87. Aha!
Oh, my God!Copy !req
88. What is wrong with you?
Gotcha! Why are you late?Copy !req
89. It's none of your business,
actually.Copy !req
90. It's very medical and personal.Copy !req
91. All right.Copy !req
92. You stop me when I reach
the diseased area.Copy !req
93. In fairness, Darryl
did tell me that joke, so...Copy !req
94. Oh! Darryl's funny.Copy !req
95. - I know, right.
- Hey, Andy?Copy !req
96. - Yeah.
- Can I talk to you a secondCopy !req
97. about these client memos?Copy !req
98. Sure.Copy !req
99. What's going on?Copy !req
100. Are you still
in love with Erin?Copy !req
101. What?Copy !req
102. Because I am.
I need to get her back.Copy !req
103. I can't be alone anymore.Copy !req
104. Andy, do you like being
alone with me right now?Copy !req
105. No. This is horrifying.Copy !req
106. No. I don't like being
alone with me either, okay?Copy !req
107. I have to get her back.Copy !req
108. Are you still gonna date her?
We're just friends, okay?Copy !req
109. Do you promise that?Copy !req
110. Yeah, fine, I promise.
We'll never date again.Copy !req
111. Can we go outside now?Copy !req
112. No. Just give me a second.Copy !req
113. I don't want anyone to know
I've been crying.Copy !req
114. Hey, hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
115. What do you think you're doing?Copy !req
116. What's this?
What's the fist?Copy !req
117. Oh, it's just a social club.Copy !req
118. You know,
like the French revolutionCopy !req
119. or the black panthers
or communism.Copy !req
120. It's just a club.
Guys talkin'. You know.Copy !req
121. You expect me to believe that
you're starting a rebellion?Copy !req
122. Nope. Social club.Copy !req
123. God, I hate when everybody
calls us a rebellion.Copy !req
124. Okay, you know what?Copy !req
125. I would love to join the fist.Copy !req
126. And we would love
to have you— But not today.Copy !req
127. Unfortunately, it's a bad day,Copy !req
128. what with operation overthrow
and everything.Copy !req
129. But I have noted it.Copy !req
130. One...Copy !req
131. Pam, I have to show you
this video.Copy !req
132. You're gonna love it.
It's Beyonce falling...Copy !req
133. With a fart mixed in.Copy !req
134. I will never be happier
than I am right now.Copy !req
135. I will also be
never less happy.Copy !req
136. I will be at my current
maximum happinessCopy !req
137. for the rest of my life,Copy !req
138. because I am manager
of the Scranton branchCopy !req
139. of Dunder-Mifflin.Copy !req
140. Acting manager.Copy !req
141. No food now!Copy !req
142. Someone has to do something
about Dwight.Copy !req
143. He put some snacks
in the freezer for us.Copy !req
144. You mean the frozen mice
for the piranha?Copy !req
145. No. The blueberry
slurpee pouch.Copy !req
146. Hmm. He means
the ice pack.Copy !req
147. 2:00 should probably
be okay.Copy !req
148. I can either take
your number or—Copy !req
149. I'm sorry.
This can't wait.Copy !req
150. He's just gonna call back.Copy !req
151. Erin. I am in love
with you.Copy !req
152. I don't believe in much, okay?Copy !req
153. I don't believe in horoscopes.
I don't believe in Christmas.Copy !req
154. Uh, uh, I sure as hell
don't believe in God.Copy !req
155. What?Copy !req
156. Or maybe there's a God.
I don't know.Copy !req
157. I mean, it's just not a guy
with a long white beard.Copy !req
158. Or it could be.
I mean, it's possibleCopy !req
159. that that is exactly
what— What God is.Copy !req
160. But for all of the disbelief...Copy !req
161. I believe in us.Copy !req
162. I believe in love.Copy !req
163. You have made me believeCopy !req
164. that for all of the hokum...Copy !req
165. Out... There...Copy !req
166. Uh, do we not have voice mail?Copy !req
167. Dwight doesn't trust robots
to give us our messages.Copy !req
168. Well...
It's just...Copy !req
169. It messes up my rhythm.Copy !req
170. But...Copy !req
171. I'm taking a break from dating.Copy !req
172. Gabe was a great guy with
so many wonderful qualities,Copy !req
173. but it was a challenge
being touched by him.Copy !req
174. Wow. You've really embracedCopy !req
175. the whole bond villain
aesthetic.Copy !req
176. Ah, Jim, Jim, Jim.Copy !req
177. The gun is a beaumont-Adams.
Jo collects them.Copy !req
178. I thought we could have
some nice small talk about it.Copy !req
179. And the piranha's a rescue.Copy !req
180. And the desk.Copy !req
181. The desk is a replica
of Uday Hussein's desk.Copy !req
182. I saw a picture in newsweek.Copy !req
183. Listen, I'm a very busy man.Copy !req
184. Let's get right down
to business.Copy !req
185. - Okay.
- Jo is coming later today.Copy !req
186. I cannot have a subordinate
trying to make me look stupid.Copy !req
187. Okay?
I need you to promise meCopy !req
188. that you'll be
on your best behavior.Copy !req
189. I promis... ed
other peopleCopy !req
190. that I'd be
on my worst behavior.Copy !req
191. And I gave them my word, so...Copy !req
192. Don't make me fire you.Copy !req
193. You can't fire me.
You're acting manager.Copy !req
194. Not office manager.
So you have no firing powers.Copy !req
195. Don't make me pre-fire you.Copy !req
196. You wouldn't dare.Copy !req
197. Watch this.
You're pre-fired.Copy !req
198. And when I'm promoted,
you'll be full fired.Copy !req
199. If you get promoted,Copy !req
200. and if you haven't fallen
in love with me by then.Copy !req
201. What?Copy !req
202. If I had thoughtCopy !req
203. that there was a real chanceCopy !req
204. that Dwight would be
permanent manager,Copy !req
205. I would have pre-quit.Copy !req
206. And you might be saying
to yourself,Copy !req
207. "well, that's pretty
premature to think,"Copy !req
208. but I always say it's better
to be pre-pre-preprepared.Copy !req
209. - How you doing, Jordan?
- I'm good.Copy !req
210. Everyone here thinks
that you're a joke.Copy !req
211. They think that you were hiredCopy !req
212. because of your good looks,
which won't last long anyway.Copy !req
213. As your pale skin
and severe bone structure imply,Copy !req
214. you'll age swiftly and poorly.Copy !req
215. Why are you telling me this?Copy !req
216. Now I want you to find out
what people are saying about me,Copy !req
217. things they don't want me
to know abou—Copy !req
218. Ohh...Copy !req
219. It's a holster.Copy !req
220. Yep. Yep, yep, yep.Copy !req
221. Lookin' good.Copy !req
222. Ohh...Copy !req
223. Oh, what a day.
What a day.Copy !req
224. Dwight, are you carrying a gun?Copy !req
225. The holster was a gift
from my great-uncle honk.Copy !req
226. Um, I don't know.Copy !req
227. I guess he's saying
that he's proud of me.Copy !req
228. Dwight, guns make me
really uncomfortable.Copy !req
229. The gun is just an accessory
to the holster, okay?Copy !req
230. I can't walk around
wearing an empty holster.Copy !req
231. Why do you need to wear
the holster at all?Copy !req
232. Why do you need to keep
wearing those booby shirtsCopy !req
233. all the time?
Thank you.Copy !req
234. You could put your
cell phone in it instead.Copy !req
235. Uh... Hello!Copy !req
236. You could put a banana in it.Copy !req
237. Why would I put a banana
in my holster?Copy !req
238. In case you weren't hungry nowCopy !req
239. but you got hungry later.Copy !req
240. Dwight, no gun, okay?
Don't make us call Jo.Copy !req
241. Okay, all right, fine.
Everyone calm down.Copy !req
242. Someone get me a banana.Copy !req
243. - Sorry I freaked you guys out—
- Aah!Copy !req
244. Andy!Copy !req
245. Aah! God!Copy !req
246. It's so loud!Copy !req
247. Oh my God.Copy !req
248. There is a hardwood floor
underneath this carpeting.Copy !req
249. Why would they do that?Copy !req
250. Eeeeeee...
There's like thisCopy !req
251. crazy ringing going on.Copy !req
252. I can't—
Eeeeeeee...Copy !req
253. Okay, everyone make a list of
what's lost for the insurance.Copy !req
254. I lost a necklace, a ring,
painting—Copy !req
255. Hey, what happened?Copy !req
256. Dwight went on
a shooting spree,Copy !req
257. and then he shot Andy
in the head.Copy !req
258. No, no, no.
All we know is that a gun fired.Copy !req
259. That's all we know!
No. That's not true.Copy !req
260. Actually,
we heard a loud noise.Copy !req
261. Later, a hole was seen.Copy !req
262. No one saw the bullet
leave the gun.Copy !req
263. Something's definitely wrong.Copy !req
264. I'll look on WebMD.
What are your symptoms?Copy !req
265. Oh, everybody.Copy !req
266. Oscar found a reason
to look on WebMD.Copy !req
267. Firewall.Copy !req
268. I can't reach Jo— She must
already be on the plane.Copy !req
269. Why are you calling Jo?Copy !req
270. I think I should
go to the hospital.Copy !req
271. - I'll go with you.
- No!Copy !req
272. We really shouldn't be
without a receptionist.Copy !req
273. Now more than ever.
I'll take him.Copy !req
274. Thank you, Darryl.Copy !req
275. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
276. - It's my ear.
- Yeah.Copy !req
277. Yes, sir.Copy !req
278. Oh. I should get
the accident report binder.Copy !req
279. I've never used
the gun violence forms before.Copy !req
280. I'm gonna keep trying Jo.Copy !req
281. Okay, everyone—
Conference room.Copy !req
282. Right now!Copy !req
283. Yee-haw!Copy !req
284. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
285. Howdy, partners.Copy !req
286. It's me,
gun-safety Dwight.Copy !req
287. And I'm the rootin'est—Copy !req
288. I can't do this.
Um, look.Copy !req
289. Obviously,
a gun went off under my watch,Copy !req
290. and I'm launching
a full investigation.Copy !req
291. We all saw you do it.Copy !req
292. Really? You did?Copy !req
293. What hand was I holding
the gun in?Copy !req
294. What did Andy's tie look like?Copy !req
295. Navy blue.
Little red anchors.Copy !req
296. I have no way of knowing
if that's true.Copy !req
297. I am supposed to collect
eyewitness accounts.Copy !req
298. Who saw Dwight do this?Copy !req
299. Okay, really?Copy !req
300. Would you consider this
a terrorist incident?Copy !req
301. - I felt terrorized.
- Come on.Copy !req
302. Oh, there's a whole nother
terrorism booklet for that.Copy !req
303. I just really, really thinkCopy !req
304. that we should handle this
internally.Copy !req
305. Dwight, why is it on us
to protect you?Copy !req
306. Because you guys
are my best friends,Copy !req
307. and I mean that.Copy !req
308. Managing you for this last weekCopy !req
309. has been the greatest honor
of my life.Copy !req
310. And if you ruin this,Copy !req
311. I will burn this office
to the ground.Copy !req
312. And I mean that figuratively.Copy !req
313. Not literally.
Because you guys are so...Copy !req
314. So important to me.Copy !req
315. I love you guys.Copy !req
316. But don't cross me.
But you're the best.Copy !req
317. - Hey.Copy !req
318. - We're back.
- There he is!Copy !req
319. Our hero!
You look fantastic.Copy !req
320. How you doing? Here.
Tell us your war stories.Copy !req
321. Well, I burst my eardrum.Copy !req
322. Doctor said it could take
weeks to heal.Copy !req
323. Did they say what caused it?Copy !req
324. 'Cause I know you like
putting q-tipsCopy !req
325. deep into your ear canal.Copy !req
326. Yeah.Copy !req
327. How's your hearing?Copy !req
328. Temporary deafness in one ear.Copy !req
329. It was both ears.Copy !req
330. I couldn't hear a thing
Darryl was sayingCopy !req
331. when we were
in the waiting room.Copy !req
332. I was talking like this:Copy !req
333. I don't feel good about it,Copy !req
334. but he just kept calling himself
a gunshot victim,Copy !req
335. and it got to me.Copy !req
336. Dwight, I would like
tomorrow offCopy !req
337. so that I can go on
my American idol audition.Copy !req
338. American idol?
What? No.Copy !req
339. Okay. I guess I can
just not go.Copy !req
340. Do you guys wanna hear my solo?Copy !req
341. No.Copy !req
342. Okay. Fine. You can go
on your singing audition.Copy !req
343. Okay, well, then I want
an extra vacation day.Copy !req
344. Pet day.
I want pet day back— No dogs.Copy !req
345. Put back everything
in the vending machineCopy !req
346. except the fruit.
I put everything backCopy !req
347. in the vending machine.
Put everything backCopy !req
348. in the vending machine
except... The fruit.Copy !req
349. You have to get rid
of all your weapons.Copy !req
350. All of them.
Including killer fish.Copy !req
351. Okay.Copy !req
352. Oh, it's my turn?
Ooh, I'm on the spot.Copy !req
353. I don't know. Um...Copy !req
354. You know what?
I think I'm good.Copy !req
355. - Thank God.
- Nope. When Jo's here,Copy !req
356. can you work in
"shagadelic, baby,"Copy !req
357. at least three times
in a conversation?Copy !req
358. Oh, and when I cough,
can you do jazz hands?Copy !req
359. What's jazz hands?Copy !req
360. Fine.Copy !req
361. What the fuck is that?Copy !req
362. Oh, my...Copy !req
363. Hey, all!Copy !req
364. Cornelius, Bobo, have at it.Copy !req
365. Nobody let my dogs
hump each other.Copy !req
366. They don't seem to know
they're brothers.Copy !req
367. Hello, Jo.
Welcome.Copy !req
368. Well, shall we begin?
Slow yourself down there.Copy !req
369. Just like a man.Copy !req
370. Wants to jump right into it
while I still got my socks on.Copy !req
371. Jim Halpert— The only man
that ever turned me down.Copy !req
372. Well, I don't know about that.
Just wasn't for me.Copy !req
373. But let me assure you,Copy !req
374. Dwight is firing
on all cylinders.Copy !req
375. Right?
Well, some pretty big shoesCopy !req
376. to fill.Copy !req
377. I was sorry to hear
about Deangelo.Copy !req
378. He was a good man.
Tragic.Copy !req
379. Well, what can you do?
Life.Copy !req
380. - We have to clean this up now!
- She had so much—Copy !req
381. - Hey, guys.
- Hey.Copy !req
382. Hope I'm not
interrupting anything.Copy !req
383. No!Copy !req
384. Hey, Andy, did you tell Erin
about our conversation earlierCopy !req
385. when you said you would never
want to date her again?Copy !req
386. I just thought that
it was so interestingCopy !req
387. that you promised that.Copy !req
388. Did I say that earlier?Copy !req
389. Yes, I did.Copy !req
390. Because you, Gabe,
were crying...Copy !req
391. - No, I was not.
- And sobbing uncontrollably.Copy !req
392. Yes. Uh-huh.
You were in hysterics.Copy !req
393. And my maternal instincts
kicked in.Copy !req
394. Is it actually how I feel?Copy !req
395. Yes.Copy !req
396. Or no.Copy !req
397. That is...Copy !req
398. Between me and my diary.Copy !req
399. Oscar, can you print out
last year's sale statements?Copy !req
400. - Sure.
- Hey, Dwight.Copy !req
401. Gimme a back massage.
No, Kevin, come on.Copy !req
402. My back is sore, Dwight.
Massage it.Copy !req
403. Kevin, not now.Copy !req
404. - Hey, Jo...
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
405. Shh!Copy !req
406. No. Under the jacket.Copy !req
407. You're kidding me.Copy !req
408. Oh...Copy !req
409. God, what am I touching?
It's moist.Copy !req
410. - I don't feel anything.
- Oh, it's so wet.Copy !req
411. - Push harder, Dwight.
- I can't.Copy !req
412. I can't push harder!Copy !req
413. - Go a little higher.
- I—Copy !req
414. There.Copy !req
415. There you go.
Nope. Higher.Copy !req
416. I c—Copy !req
417. Higher.Copy !req
418. - Oh, my God!
- There we go.Copy !req
419. Okay. How's that?
Knead it.Copy !req
420. Knead it like a pizza.Copy !req
421. - I'm kneading it!
- But don't eat it.Copy !req
422. Okay...Copy !req
423. Dwight.
Walk me out.Copy !req
424. Oop.Copy !req
425. Let's talk soon.Copy !req
426. And stay on top of
these people.Copy !req
427. You gotta admit it—Copy !req
428. It's nice to have
a little power, eh?Copy !req
429. How's it feel?Copy !req
430. Jo...Copy !req
431. I accidentally fired a gun
in the office today.Copy !req
432. - What?
- I am telling you thisCopy !req
433. because I care too much
about this jobCopy !req
434. to be blackmailed
into doing it poorly.Copy !req
435. All I've ever wanted
is to be manager here.Copy !req
436. And if you feel like
you cannot promote meCopy !req
437. over this one accident,
I understand.Copy !req
438. But if you think
that extortion is worse—Copy !req
439. Shooting is worse!Copy !req
440. Are you kiddin' me?
It's not even in the same—Copy !req
441. You shot a gun?
What is wrong with you?Copy !req
442. It was a Beaumont-Adams,
if that helps.Copy !req
443. Beaumont-Adams
is a girl's gun.Copy !req
444. That just makes it
plain stupid.Copy !req
445. I take full responsibility.Copy !req
446. Who else would be responsible?Copy !req
447. Pam made me put
a banana in my holster.Copy !req
448. You shot a gun off—Copy !req
449. Okay. Did I make a mistake?
Yes.Copy !req
450. Do I regret the decision
that I made? Yes.Copy !req
451. Stop asking yourself
easy questionsCopy !req
452. so you can look like a genius.Copy !req
453. - Got it.
- I love you, Dwight.Copy !req
454. But you don't fit this job.Copy !req
455. Jo, please...Copy !req
456. - No.
- I will—Copy !req
457. No, child.
No.Copy !req
458. It's over.Copy !req
459. Now I gotta find a replacement
for my replacement.Copy !req
460. You three
are my search committee.Copy !req
461. You're in charge of finding me
my next manager.Copy !req
462. All righty?Copy !req
463. - Yep.
- Yep.Copy !req
464. Till then, we need
a new actin' manager.Copy !req
465. Now, who's got the most
experience in this office?Copy !req
466. Uh, well, we probably don't
wanna go just on seniority.Copy !req
467. Who is it?Copy !req
468. Hey, Dwight.
What's up?Copy !req
469. Shut up.Copy !req
470. Okay. Well...Copy !req
471. You do know that Jo was rightCopy !req
472. to take the job away
from you, right?Copy !req
473. There's no debating that.Copy !req
474. But I will say...Copy !req
475. In your one week,Copy !req
476. every single one of the orders
went out on time,Copy !req
477. And I thinkCopy !req
478. that is shagadelic, baby.Copy !req
479. Four.Copy !req
480. One.Copy !req
481. Seven.Copy !req
482. One.Copy !req
483. Another one?Copy !req
484. - Yes!
- Yes!Copy !req
485. Seven.Copy !req
486. - Two, six,
- Could you turn down the beeping?Copy !req
487. nine, shut up Oscar, eight...Copy !req
488. Nine first, put the nine.Copy !req
489. - Nine, eight, five,
- Thank you.Copy !req
490. Three, zero, zero...Copy !req
491. - Again, zero.
- Okay.Copy !req
492. - Four, six...
- Nice.Copy !req
493. - Two, one.
- I hit three, I head three instead of...Copy !req
494. God!Copy !req