1. We could get
Deangelo flowers.Copy !req
2. No, you can't get
flowers for someone
who's in a coma.Copy !req
3. They'll wilt
before he wakes up.Copy !req
4. Yeah,
that's true.
Good point.Copy !req
5. All in favor of the baskets
full of chocolates,
teddy bears and balloons.Copy !req
6. Wait, wait.
All in favor
of the knapsackCopy !req
7. filled with
canned goods,
chainsaw,Copy !req
8. gasoline and emergency
radio in case he
wakes up post-apocalypse.Copy !req
9. Nope. Baskets have it.Copy !req
10. So as it turns out,
unless you're
a young child,Copy !req
11. or a prison inmate,
you don't need
anyone supervising you.Copy !req
12. People just come in
and do their work
on their schedule.Copy !req
13. Imagine that.
People like us
allowed to sell paper.Copy !req
14. Unsupervised.Copy !req
15. And yet,
somehow it works.Copy !req
16. Must be because
the stakes are so high.Copy !req
17. Well, I really
appreciate the offer,Copy !req
18. but I'm just happy
the way things are.Copy !req
19. Okay. Thank you.Copy !req
20. That was Jo asking me
if I wanted to take
over as acting managerCopy !req
21. while they find
a replacement.Copy !req
22. I told her I don't
wanna mess this up, right?Copy !req
23. There's a consensus.
People are happy.Copy !req
24. Dwight Schrute.Copy !req
25. Yes, I would.Copy !req
26. Thank you.Copy !req
27. Jordan, gather my
things from my desk.Copy !req
28. Wait.Copy !req
29. What have you done?Copy !req
30. Mose?Copy !req
31. You'll never guess
where I am right now.Copy !req
32. Can't stay
there all day.Copy !req
33. I'm coming.Copy !req
34. Do I at least
get to go with you
in this fantasy?Copy !req
35. You'd slow me down.Copy !req
36. Dwight has been
acting manager for
three months now.Copy !req
37. No, a week.
Just feels like
three months.Copy !req
38. Let's see.
We all have to punch
into a time clock,Copy !req
39. which is very old,
very strong,Copy !req
40. and has the slot about
the size of a finger.Copy !req
41. We were all given
new business cards,Copy !req
42. big enough to
set us apart from
the competition.Copy !req
43. Which is how I learned
that our titles are all
now junior employee.Copy !req
44. Our lunch breaks
are staggered to
prevent wasting time.Copy !req
45. Mine's at 10:30
and I find that
the first hourCopy !req
46. of the day goes
by a lot quickerCopy !req
47. than the
second seven hours.Copy !req
48. Stop stalling!Copy !req
49. Come on.Copy !req
50. I pledge allegiance
to the Flag of the
United States of AmericaCopy !req
51. and to the Republic
for which it stands,Copy !req
52. one nation under God,
indivisible,Copy !req
53. with liberty and
justice for all.Copy !req
54. justice for all.Copy !req
55. Amen.
Excellent.Copy !req
56. Morning announcements.Copy !req
57. There's been a problem
with some people
sharing copier codes.Copy !req
58. Your copier code is a
distinct 21-digit number
that is unique to youCopy !req
59. and you only, okay?
Don't share it.Copy !req
60. Jo Bennett,
our CEO, will be here today
for a high-level meetingCopy !req
61. involving Gabe
and myself.Copy !req
62. Ooh! About what?Copy !req
63. That's on
a need-to-know basis.Copy !req
64. I thought I needed to
know for your calendar.Copy !req
65. General meet
and greet.Copy !req
66. So I expect you to be
on your best behavior,Copy !req
67. which means
none of you will
be insubordinate,Copy !req
68. nor will you
foment insurrection.Copy !req
69. Question.
If we've already
fomented insurrection,Copy !req
70. may we be
grandfathered in?Copy !req
71. Define "foment."Copy !req
72. You define "foment."Copy !req
73. Please take
note of the new
color-coding system.Copy !req
74. Ah-ha!Copy !req
75. Oh, my God!
What is wrong with you?
Got you!Copy !req
76. Why are you late?Copy !req
77. It's none of your business,
actually.Copy !req
78. It's very
medical and personal.Copy !req
79. All right.Copy !req
80. You stop me
when I reach
the diseased area.Copy !req
81. In fairness, Darryl did
tell me that joke, so...Copy !req
82. Oh! Darryl's funny.Copy !req
83. I know, right?
Hey, Andy?Copy !req
84. Yeah?
Can I talk to
you a secondCopy !req
85. about these client memos?Copy !req
86. Sure.Copy !req
87. What's going on?Copy !req
88. Are you still in
love with Erin?Copy !req
89. What?Copy !req
90. Because I am.Copy !req
91. I need to get her back.
I can't be alone anymore.Copy !req
92. Andy, do you
like being alone
with me right now?Copy !req
93. No, this is horrifying.
No,Copy !req
94. I don't like
being alone with
me, either. Okay?Copy !req
95. I have to get
Erin back.Copy !req
96. Are you still
gonna date her?Copy !req
97. We're just
friends, okay?Copy !req
98. Do you promise that?Copy !req
99. Yeah, fine, I promise.
We'll never date again.Copy !req
100. Can we go
outside now?Copy !req
101. No, just give
me a second.Copy !req
102. I don't want
anyone to know
I've been crying.Copy !req
103. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What do you
think you're doing?Copy !req
104. What's this?
What's The Fist?Copy !req
105. It's just a
social club.Copy !req
106. Like the French
Revolution or The Black
Panthers or communism.Copy !req
107. It's just a club.
Guys talking.Copy !req
108. You expect me to believe
that you're
starting a rebellion?Copy !req
109. Nope, social club.
God, I hateCopy !req
110. when everybody
calls us a rebellion.Copy !req
111. Okay, you know
what? I would love
to join The Fist.Copy !req
112. And we would love to
have you, but not today.
Unfortunately, it's a bad day,Copy !req
113. what with
Operation Overthrow
and everything.Copy !req
114. But I have noted it.Copy !req
115. One.Copy !req
116. Pam, I have to
show you this video.Copy !req
117. You're gonna love it.
It's Beyonce falling
with a fart mixed in.Copy !req
118. I will never be
happier than I am right now.Copy !req
119. I will also
never be less happy.Copy !req
120. I will be at my
current maximum happiness
for the rest of my life.Copy !req
121. Because I am manager
of the Scranton
branch of Dunder Mifflin.Copy !req
122. Acting manager.Copy !req
123. No food now?
Someone has to do
something about Dwight.Copy !req
124. He put some snacks
in the freezer for us.Copy !req
125. You mean the frozen
mice for the piranha?Copy !req
126. No, the blueberry
slurpy pouch.Copy !req
127. Hmm.
He means the ice pack.Copy !req
128. 2:00 should
probably be okay.Copy !req
129. I can either take
your number or...Copy !req
130. I'm sorry,
this can't wait.Copy !req
131. He's just
gonna call back.Copy !req
132. Erin, I am in
love with you.Copy !req
133. I don't believe
in much, okay?Copy !req
134. I don't believe
in horoscopes. I don't
believe in Christmas.Copy !req
135. I sure as hell
don't believe in God.Copy !req
136. What?Copy !req
137. Or maybe there's
a God, I don't know.Copy !req
138. It's just not a guy
with a long, white beard.Copy !req
139. Or it could be.
It's possible that that
is exactly what God is.Copy !req
140. But for all of the disbelief,
I believe in us.Copy !req
141. I believe in love.Copy !req
142. You have made me believe
that for all of the hokumCopy !req
143. out there...Copy !req
144. Do we not
have voicemail?Copy !req
145. Dwight doesn't trust
robots to give
us our messages.Copy !req
146. Well,Copy !req
147. it just...Copy !req
148. It messes up
my rhythm, but...Copy !req
149. I'm taking a break
from dating.Copy !req
150. Gabe was a great guy
with so many
wonderful qualities,Copy !req
151. but it was a challenge
being touched by him.Copy !req
152. Wow, you've really
embraced the whole
Bond villain aesthetic.Copy !req
153. Jim, Jim, Jim.Copy !req
154. The gun is
a Beaumont Adams.Copy !req
155. Jo collects them.
I thought we could have
some nice small talk about it.Copy !req
156. And the piranha's
a rescue.Copy !req
157. And the desk.Copy !req
158. The desk is a replica
of Uday Hussein's desk.
I saw a picture in Newsweek.Copy !req
159. Listen, I'm a very busy man,
let's get right
down to business.Copy !req
160. Okay.
Jo is coming
later today.Copy !req
161. I cannot have a
subordinate trying to
make me look stupid.Copy !req
162. Okay? I need you to promise
me that you'll be on
your best behavior.Copy !req
163. I promised other
people that I'd be
on my worst behavior.Copy !req
164. And I gave them
my word, so...Copy !req
165. Don't make
me fire you.Copy !req
166. You can't fire me.
You're acting manager,
not office manager,Copy !req
167. so you have
no firing powers.Copy !req
168. Don't make me
pre-fire you.Copy !req
169. You wouldn't dare.Copy !req
170. Watch this.
You're pre-fired.Copy !req
171. And when I'm promoted,
you'll be full-fired.Copy !req
172. If you get promoted.Copy !req
173. And if you haven't
fallen in love
with me by then.Copy !req
174. What?Copy !req
175. If I had thought that
there was a real chanceCopy !req
176. that Dwight would
be permanent manager,Copy !req
177. I would have
pre-quit.Copy !req
178. And you might be
saying to yourself,Copy !req
179. "Well, that's pretty
premature to think."Copy !req
180. But I always say,
"It's better to be
pre-pre-pre-prepared."Copy !req
181. How you
doing, Jordan?Copy !req
182. I'm good.Copy !req
183. Everyone here thinks
that you're a joke.Copy !req
184. They think that
you were hired because
of your good looks,Copy !req
185. which won't
last long anyway.Copy !req
186. As your pale skin
and severe bone
structure imply,Copy !req
187. you'll age
swiftly and poorly.Copy !req
188. Why are you
telling me this?Copy !req
189. Now I want you
to find out what people
are saying about me.Copy !req
190. Things they don't
want me to know about.Copy !req
191. It's a holster.Copy !req
192. Yep. Yep, yep, yep.Copy !req
193. Looking good.Copy !req
194. What a day.
What a day.Copy !req
195. Dwight, are you
carrying a gun?Copy !req
196. The holster was a gift
from my great-uncle, Honk.Copy !req
197. I don't know.
I guess he's saying
that he's proud of me.Copy !req
198. Dwight, guns make me
really uncomfortable.Copy !req
199. The gun is just
an accessory to
the holster, okay?Copy !req
200. I can't walk
around wearing
an empty holster.Copy !req
201. Why do you need to
wear the holster at all?Copy !req
202. Why do you need
to keep wearingCopy !req
203. those booby
shirts all the time?Copy !req
204. Thank you.Copy !req
205. You could put your
cell phone in it instead.Copy !req
206. Hello.Copy !req
207. You could put
a banana in it.Copy !req
208. Why would I put
a banana in my holster?Copy !req
209. In case you
weren't hungry now,
but you got hungry later.Copy !req
210. Dwight, no gun, okay?
Don't make us call Jo.Copy !req
211. Okay, all right, fine.
Everyone calm down.Copy !req
212. Someone, get
me a banana.Copy !req
213. Sorry I freaked
you guys out.Copy !req
214. Andy!Copy !req
215. Ow! God!Copy !req
216. It's so loud!Copy !req
217. My God.Copy !req
218. There is a hardwood floor
underneath this carpeting.Copy !req
219. Why would
they do that?Copy !req
220. There's like this
crazy ringing going on.
I can't...Copy !req
221. I can't find perfect C.Copy !req
222. Okay, everyone make
a list of what's lost
for the insurance.Copy !req
223. I lost a necklace,
a ring, a painting.Copy !req
224. Hey, what happened?Copy !req
225. Dwight went on
a shooting spreeCopy !req
226. and then he shot
Andy in the head.Copy !req
227. No, no, no. All we
know is that a gun fired.
That's all we know.Copy !req
228. No, that's not
true. Actually, we
heard a loud noise,Copy !req
229. later a hole was seen.
No one saw the bullet
leave the gun.Copy !req
230. Something's
definitely wrong.Copy !req
231. I'll look on WebMD.
What are your symptoms?Copy !req
232. Everybody,
Oscar found a reason
to look on WebMD.Copy !req
233. Firewall.
I can't reach Jo.Copy !req
234. She must already
be on the plane.Copy !req
235. Okay, why are
you calling Jo?Copy !req
236. I think I should
go to the hospital.Copy !req
237. I'll go with you.
No!Copy !req
238. We really shouldn't be
without a receptionist.
Now more than ever.Copy !req
239. I'll take him.Copy !req
240. Thank you, Darryl.Copy !req
241. What's wrong
with you?Copy !req
242. It's my ear.
Yeah.Copy !req
243. Okay, sorry.Copy !req
244. I should get
the accident report binder.Copy !req
245. I've never used
the gun violence
forms before.Copy !req
246. I'm gonna
keep trying Jo.Copy !req
247. Okay, everyone,
conference room!
Right now!Copy !req
248. Yee-haw!Copy !req
249. Woo-hoo!Copy !req
250. Howdy, partners.Copy !req
251. It's me, Gun
Safety Dwight.Copy !req
252. And I'm the
rootin'-est...Copy !req
253. I can't do this.Copy !req
254. Look, obviously
a gun went off
under my watchCopy !req
255. and I'm launching
a full investigation.Copy !req
256. We all saw you do it.Copy !req
257. Really? You did?Copy !req
258. What hand was I holding
the gun in? What did
Andy's tie look like?Copy !req
259. Navy blue,
little red anchors.Copy !req
260. I have no way of
knowing if that's true.Copy !req
261. I am supposed to collect
eyewitness accounts.Copy !req
262. Who saw Dwight do this?Copy !req
263. Okay, really?Copy !req
264. Would you consider this
a terrorist incident?Copy !req
265. I felt terrorized.Copy !req
266. Come on.Copy !req
267. Oh! There's a whole
other terrorism booklet
for that.Copy !req
268. I just really,
really thinkCopy !req
269. that we should handle
this internally.Copy !req
270. Dwight, why is it
on us to protect you?Copy !req
271. Because you guys
are my best friends.
And I mean that.Copy !req
272. Managing you
for this last weekCopy !req
273. has been the
greatest honor
of my life.Copy !req
274. And if you ruin this,
I will burn this
office to the ground.Copy !req
275. And I mean
that figuratively,
not literally.Copy !req
276. Because you guys are so,
so important to me.Copy !req
277. I love you guys,Copy !req
278. but don't cross me,
but you're the best.Copy !req
279. Hey.Copy !req
280. We're back.Copy !req
281. There he is,
our hero.Copy !req
282. You look fantastic.
How you doing?Copy !req
283. Here, tell us
your war stories.Copy !req
284. Well, I burst
my ear drum.Copy !req
285. Doctor said it could
take weeks to heal.Copy !req
286. Did they say
what caused it?Copy !req
287. 'Cause I know you
like putting Q-tips
deep into your ear canal.Copy !req
288. Yeah.
How's your hearing?Copy !req
289. Temporary deafness
in one ear.
It was both ears.Copy !req
290. I couldn't hear
a thing Darryl
was sayingCopy !req
291. when we were in
the waiting room.Copy !req
292. I was talking like this...Copy !req
293. I don't feel
good about it,Copy !req
294. but he just kept
calling himselfCopy !req
295. a gunshot victim,
and it got to me.Copy !req
296. Dwight, I would like
tomorrow off so thatCopy !req
297. I can go on my
American Idol audition.Copy !req
298. American Idol?
What? No.Copy !req
299. Okay, I guess
I can just not go.Copy !req
300. Do you guys
wanna hear my solo?Copy !req
301. No.Copy !req
302. ? Why did my temporary boss
go on a shooting spree?Copy !req
303. Okay, fine,
you can go on your
singing audition.Copy !req
304. Okay, well,
then I want an
extra vacation day.Copy !req
305. Pet day.
I want pet day
back, no dogs.Copy !req
306. Put back everything
in the vending machine,
except the fruit.Copy !req
307. I put everything back
in the vending machine.Copy !req
308. Put everything back
in the vending machine,
except the fruit.Copy !req
309. You have to get rid
of all your weapons.Copy !req
310. All of them,
including killer fish.Copy !req
311. Okay.Copy !req
312. Is it my turn?
Oof. I'm on the spot,
I don't know.Copy !req
313. Um. You know what?
I think I'm good.Copy !req
314. Thank God.
No. When Jo's here,Copy !req
315. can you work in
"Shagadelic, baby"Copy !req
316. at least three
times in the
conversation? Oh!Copy !req
317. And when I cough,
can you do jazz hands?Copy !req
318. What's
jazz hands?Copy !req
319. Fine.Copy !req
320. What the
is that?Copy !req
321. Oh, my...Copy !req
322. JO: Hey, all!Copy !req
323. Cornelius, Bobo,
have at it.Copy !req
324. Nobody let my
dogs hump each other.Copy !req
325. They don't seem to
know they're brothers.Copy !req
326. Hello, Jo. Welcome.Copy !req
327. Shall we begin?Copy !req
328. Slow yourself
down there.Copy !req
329. Just like a man, wants to
jump right into it while
I still got my socks on.Copy !req
330. Jim Halpert,
the only man to
ever turn me down.Copy !req
331. I don't know about that.
Just wasn't for me.Copy !req
332. But let me assure you,
Dwight is firing on
all cylinders, right?Copy !req
333. Well, they're some
pretty big shoes to fill.Copy !req
334. I was sorry to
hear about Deangelo.Copy !req
335. He was a good man.
It was tragic.Copy !req
336. Well, what can
you do? Life.Copy !req
337. We have to
clean this up, now.Copy !req
338. She had so much...Copy !req
339. Hey, guys.
Hey.Copy !req
340. Hope I'm not
interrupting anything.Copy !req
341. No.Copy !req
342. Hey, Andy, did you
tell Erin about our
conversation earlierCopy !req
343. when you said
you would never want
to date her again?Copy !req
344. Uh...Copy !req
345. I just thought that
it was so interesting
that you promised that.Copy !req
346. Did I say
that earlier?Copy !req
347. Yes, I did.Copy !req
348. Because you,
Gabe, were crying.Copy !req
349. No, I was not.Copy !req
350. And sobbing
uncontrollably.
Yes. Uh-huh.Copy !req
351. You were in hysterics
and my maternal
instincts kicked in.Copy !req
352. Is it actually
how I feel?Copy !req
353. Yes.Copy !req
354. Or no.Copy !req
355. That is between
me and my diary.Copy !req
356. Oscar, can you print
out last year's
sales statements?Copy !req
357. Sure.
Hey, Dwight,Copy !req
358. give me a back massage.
No, Kevin. Come on.Copy !req
359. My back is sore,
Dwight. Massage it.Copy !req
360. Kevin, not now.Copy !req
361. Hey, Jo...
Okay, okay.Copy !req
362. No, under the jacket.Copy !req
363. You're
kidding me.Copy !req
364. Oh, God, what
am I touching?
It's moist.Copy !req
365. I don't
feel anything.Copy !req
366. It's wet.Copy !req
367. Push harder,
Dwight.Copy !req
368. I can't.Copy !req
369. I can't
push harder.Copy !req
370. Go a little higher.Copy !req
371. There.Copy !req
372. There you go.
No, higher.Copy !req
373. I can't...Copy !req
374. Higher.Copy !req
375. Oh, my God.
There we go.Copy !req
376. How's that?
Knead it.Copy !req
377. Knead it
like a pizza.Copy !req
378. I'm kneading it.Copy !req
379. But don't eat it.Copy !req
380. Okay.Copy !req
381. Dwight, walk me out.Copy !req
382. Let's talk soon.
And stay on top
of these people.Copy !req
383. You've got
to admit it,Copy !req
384. it's nice to have
a little power, eh?
How's it feel?Copy !req
385. Jo,Copy !req
386. I accidentally fired
a gun in the office today.Copy !req
387. What?
I am telling you thisCopy !req
388. because I care too
much about this jobCopy !req
389. to be blackmailed
into doing it poorly.Copy !req
390. All I've ever wanted
is to be manager here.Copy !req
391. And if you feel like
you cannot promote meCopy !req
392. over this one accident,
I understand.Copy !req
393. But if you think that
extortion is worse...Copy !req
394. Shooting is worse.
Are you kidding me?Copy !req
395. It's not even in the same...
You shot a gun?
What is wrong with you?Copy !req
396. It was a Beaumont Adams,
if that helps.Copy !req
397. Beaumont Adams
is a girl's gun.Copy !req
398. That just makes
it plain stupid.Copy !req
399. I take full
responsibility.Copy !req
400. Who else would
be responsible?Copy !req
401. Pam made me put
a banana in my holster.Copy !req
402. You shot a gun off.Copy !req
403. Okay, did I
make a mistake?Copy !req
404. Yes.Copy !req
405. Do I regret
the decision
that I made? Yes.Copy !req
406. Stop asking yourself
easy questions so
you can look like a genius.Copy !req
407. Got it.Copy !req
408. I love you, Dwight.Copy !req
409. But you don't
fit this job.Copy !req
410. Jo, please.Copy !req
411. No. No, child.
I will...Copy !req
412. No.Copy !req
413. It's over.Copy !req
414. Now I've got to
find a replacement
for my replacement.Copy !req
415. You three are my
search committee.Copy !req
416. You're in charge
of finding me
my next manager.Copy !req
417. All right-y?
Yeah.Copy !req
418. Till then,
we need a
new acting manager.Copy !req
419. Now who's got
the most experience
in this office?Copy !req
420. Uh, well...Copy !req
421. We probably don't
wanna go just
on seniority.Copy !req
422. Who is it?Copy !req
423. Hey, Dwight? What's up?Copy !req
424. Shut up.Copy !req
425. Okay. Well...Copy !req
426. You do know that Jo
was right to take the job
away from you, right?Copy !req
427. There's no debating that.Copy !req
428. But I will say,
in your one week,Copy !req
429. every single one of
the orders went out
on timeCopy !req
430. and I think that
is shagadelic, baby.Copy !req
431. Four,Copy !req
432. one,Copy !req
433. seven,Copy !req
434. one.
Another one?Copy !req
435. Yes!Copy !req
436. Seven...Copy !req
437. Could you turn
the volume down
on the beeping?Copy !req
438. Six, nine.Copy !req
439. Shut up,
Oscar. Eight.Copy !req
440. Nine first,
put the nine.
Nine.Copy !req
441. Eight. Five.Copy !req
442. Thank you.Copy !req
443. Three,Copy !req
444. zero,Copy !req
445. zero, again.
Zero.Copy !req
446. Okay.Copy !req
447. Four.Copy !req
448. Six.
Nice.Copy !req
449. Two, one.Copy !req
450. I hit three,
I hit three instead.Copy !req
451. God!Copy !req