1. So, coasting time.
It's officially over.
Copy !req
2. Big changes are coming,
and they're coming fast.
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3. And if you don't like them,
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4. this is called a door,
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5. you can walk right
through it, all right?
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6. I'm not here to be your friend.
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7. I like my life
outside of this place.
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8. I live to
leave at 5:00.
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9. Change number one: Darryl.
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10. Per your request,
the company is sending you
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11. to business school at night.
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12. Full ride, deal with it.
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13. Seriously?
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14. Stone cold seriously.
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15. They are trying
to figure me out,
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16. and I don't like it.
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17. Once they figure me out
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18. they start to tell me
what I want to hear.
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19. And I need to quickly figure out
who's a good worker,
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20. and who is simply
a good mind reader.
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21. Because as soon as
I'm hearing what I wanna hear,
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22. I'm not gonna care.
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23. Toby.
You're getting a new chair.
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24. - Nice.
- Don't thank me.
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25. Hey, don't thank me, guy.
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26. Okay?
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27. And I don't care
if you like it.
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28. These sound like good ideas,
why wouldn't we like them?
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29. I don't care what
your favorite flavor is.
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30. Here's a bowl of ice cream,
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31. you either like it
or you don't.
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32. That's my attitude
right now in this room,
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33. that's my attitude
on ice cream Thursdays.
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34. All right?
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35. Clear?
Any questions?
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36. This all sounds great to me.
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37. But I could see how
some people might
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38. think that they're bad.
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39. I don't know what to think.
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40. That is a—
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41. An astute observation, Kevin.
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42. Kev's got me pegged.
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43. It blows away
Vermont in the fall.
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44. Snap, for real?
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45. - Not even—
- Good morning, Deangelo.
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46. - Hold on, Pam.
- Okay.
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47. And if you're really serious,
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48. you should go in the spring.
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49. - 'Cause of the flowers.
- No.
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50. Because the entire state
smells like earth.
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51. Dogwoods, or just the earth?
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52. Yes, Pam.
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53. Hey, well, good morning.
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54. I think I have good
news for you today.
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55. I found your new
executive assistant.
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56. My friend Carla.
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57. She's got great experience,
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58. we even considered
making her Cece's godmother.
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59. But she had this
boyfriend at the time.
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60. But here's her resume.
Put it with the rest.
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61. Okay.
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62. Hey, dudes.
Hey.
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63. Hey.
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64. - Oh, my God, he hates me.
- No, he doesn't.
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65. You just get so nervous
and hyper around him.
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66. I know.
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67. Every time there's a silence,
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68. you're brain's, like...
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69. Is that what he tells you
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70. at your little
inner-circle meetings?
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71. Careful, there
is no inner circle.
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72. Oh, there's an inner circle.
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73. Oh, yeah.
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74. There is no inner circle.
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75. Deangelo just prefers
to delegate a few things
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76. to a few guys.
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77. Jim only says that because
he's in the inner circle.
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78. I also say that,
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79. because I am also
in the inner circle.
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80. Did you get that, ma?
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81. Your boy, Kevin Malone,
is in the inner circle.
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82. Which doesn't exist.
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83. There he is.
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84. Got you a coffee.
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85. Oh, wow, thank you,
that was so kind of you.
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86. Not a coffee guy
I take it, huh?
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87. It's just that I
own the coffee shop.
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88. So once you've seen
sausage being made,
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89. all you wanna do
is make sausage.
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90. 'Cause it's so much fun.
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91. Listen, I've got a sixer.
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92. "Automatic for the people,"
on the jukebox.
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93. Let's hit the park
after sundown, come on.
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94. Pick up some sausage
if you want.
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95. I think you'll find what
you're looking for over there.
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96. No matter how many times
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97. I reach out to Dwight,
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98. he doesn't seem to want
anything to do with me.
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99. It reminds me of my
relationship with my son.
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100. Except there, I'm the Dwight.
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101. Who's the biggest
client in the state?
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102. I say we go get 'em,
whatever it takes.
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103. Huh, what do you guys say?
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104. - Yes.
- Yeah.
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105. - Huh, right?
- Let's do it.
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106. Or my other idea,
50,000 tiny clients.
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107. Yeah, I say that
we just go for it.
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108. Whoa, is that ball
lighter than usual?
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109. Is that a
Chinatown knock-off?
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110. That's "toys r' us" I think.
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111. No, that's
definitely a knock-off.
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112. You can feel the
center of gravity is off.
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113. Feel that, what do you think?
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114. Oh, yeah, totally.
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115. Jim, you got
ripped off big time.
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116. Deangelo!
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117. See what I did there?
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118. Oh, that's what you need to do.
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119. Just add a little English.
The British are coming.
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120. - Yes.
- Deangelo's open!
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121. Hey, Ry.
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122. Your department's
killing it, baby.
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123. Hey!
My pleasure, my treasure.
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124. Keep it up.
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125. The problem with having "it,"
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126. or, "the x-factor,"
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127. or whatever it is
you wanna call it,
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128. is that it's impossible
to put into words
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129. what you're bringing
to the table.
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130. So to make things
simpler for Deangelo,
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131. I just, without lying,
strongly implied that
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132. I'm Kelly's supervisor.
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133. It's not even that
much of a stretch.
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134. She pretty much does
whatever I say.
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135. What?
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136. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
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137. Why should I pretend
that you are my boss?
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138. Because what would you have
done in that situation, Kelly?
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139. I'll tell you what
I would have done for you.
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140. I'd lie for you.
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141. Yeah, but you lie all the time.
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142. You lie for no reason.
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143. Ryan, you just like to lie.
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144. I'd die for you too.
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145. You really would?
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146. Hey, Kelly Kapoor,
if I don't have
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147. those call logs on my desk,
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148. we're just gonna
have to evaluate
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149. your future at the company.
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150. - Sure thing, Mr. Howard.
- Whoo.
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151. Glad he's not my boss.
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152. Ooh, you're
the best, thank you.
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153. You know I have a cousin
who cracked the secret formula
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154. for a certain popular cola
that I shall not name.
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155. So I've never had to buy it.
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156. True story.
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157. I just drink my cousin's.
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158. Congratulations
on your one cousin.
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159. I have 70— Each one
better than the last.
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160. You know what?
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161. Straight up, why
don't you like me?
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162. I'm just not a suck-up like
everyone else around here, okay?
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163. I do my job well,
so why don't you just
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164. leave me alone,
and let me do it.
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165. Okay?
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166. Oh, no.
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167. - Wha—?
- Okay?
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168. I'm gonna win you over.
No, you're not.
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169. - Yes, I am.
- No.
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170. - Oh, yes.
- No.
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171. - Yes.
- No.
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172. - No.
- Yes!
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173. - Yes!
- No!
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174. - No.
- Yes.
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175. - Yes, yes, yes, yes!
- No, no!
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176. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
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177. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
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178. Uh-oh, this former
administrative assistant
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179. misspelled "administrative,"
and "assistant."
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180. The winner.
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181. Under "special skills,"
Mr. Don finer put "juggling."
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182. What's wrong with
juggling, Darryl?
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183. I'm a big juggler.
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184. I actually perform a
motivational juggling routine.
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185. - Seriously?
- Oh, yeah.
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186. I'd do it for you here but, uh,
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187. what would you
say this room is?
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188. 3oo square feet?
320?
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189. 320, just freeballin' it.
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190. It's a little cramped.
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191. How many square feet out there?
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192. 17-18 hundo?
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193. Oh, I think it's 18 hundo.
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194. Give or take.
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195. Sorry, gang.
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196. Thought my juggling stuff
was in the trunk of my car,
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197. but it's not.
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198. Oh, no, do you
think it was stolen?
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199. I got you covered, boss.
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200. Used to play with
the parabolas myself.
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201. Got some extra balls.
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202. Hey!
Whoa!
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203. Sorry, I never touch
another juggler's instruments.
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204. You know, we're all here,
I've got the music cued.
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205. Why don't I just do my routine
without the juggling balls.
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206. Prepare to go
into the danger zone.
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207. Oh, wow, you weren't kidding.
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208. No, never.
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209. Can someone please
throw me a fifth ball?
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210. If you dare.
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211. Incoming!
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212. And we're on.
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213. Remember, nothing's impossible.
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214. - Phyllis, where's Phyllis?
- Here.
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215. Do you believe in me, Phyllis?
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216. - Yes.
- 'Cause I believe in you.
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217. Oh, okay.
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218. Feel that connection?
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219. Don't move your head,
please, thank you.
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220. Aah!
Big hand for Phyllis.
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221. That took a lot of guts.
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222. I'm Deangelo Vickers,
thank you so much.
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223. Hope you learned something.
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224. - Whoo!
- Whoo!
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225. He didn't drop a single ball.
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226. Look.
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227. I'm juggling eggs
and bowling balls.
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228. I'm juggling with one hand.
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229. No hands.
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230. What could he
possibly stand to gain
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231. from a fake juggling routine?
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232. What could he
possibly stand to gain
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233. from a real juggling routine?
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234. How can you keep defending him?
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235. He's good at his job,
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236. and I like working for him.
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237. Of course you do, Jim.
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238. You're a man.
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239. Deangelo is a huge sexist.
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240. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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241. I think if he was a sexist
I'd be able to tell.
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242. I took a crapload of women's
studies courses at Cornell.
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243. And I wrote my own companion
piece to the vagina monologues
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244. called the penis apologies.
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245. So I know a thing or two.
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246. Okay.
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247. Then how about I'm the head
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248. of the accounting department,
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249. but he only ever
talks to Kevin.
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250. What about Pam and Kelly?
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251. Also department heads,
but has he ever met with you?
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252. Or even asked you
to do anything?
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253. Huh, how could I not see it?
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254. You're so right.
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255. Why don't you
talk to him about it?
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256. And say what?
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257. Hey, Deangelo, are you shy
or just a sexist?
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258. Why don't you just
tell him how his actions
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259. are being perceived
by the women in this office.
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260. And if he doesn't listen then he
can kiss his penis goodbye.
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261. Snip snip.
Am I right, girls?
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262. Hey, do you have a second?
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263. Yeah, I got tons of time,
this job's a joke.
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264. So what's up?
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265. Um, really, it's nothing.
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266. I was just talking to Angela.
- Mm-hmm.
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267. - And she was—
- Hey.
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268. Saw Jim come in,
are we meeting?
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269. Yeah, sure,
let's make it a meeting.
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270. If it's all right,
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271. can I just have, like, one
minute alone, just to go over—
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272. What's the big secret?
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273. Why are you even whispering?
Come on, it's the guys.
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274. I know, just the guys.
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275. Well, maybe that's part
of the problem, I think.
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276. So what happened was,
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277. I was talking to some
of the department heads.
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278. Right.
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279. Uh, some of the
female department heads.
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280. - Uh-oh.
- Yeah.
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281. - Right?
- Hot.
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282. Maybe there's a vibe out there
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283. with certain members
of the office
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284. that you are
a little sexist, or—
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285. - Damn!
- Whoa.
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286. Whoa, wait.
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287. Are you serious?
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288. Who feels this way?
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289. - Oh, like, nobody, it was—
- Uh, Pam?
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290. Was it Pam?
Oh, my gosh.
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291. That sounds like Pam.
Yeah.
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292. You know how she gets.
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293. Deangelo, she can
get really bitchy.
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294. Kevin, wah-wah.
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295. - Guys.
- Hold on.
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296. Doesn't matter who, okay?
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297. I'm just happy that Jim
brought it to my attention.
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298. Because honestly,
I had no idea.
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299. - That's awesome.
- Thank you.
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300. Mom, Ryan's taking us
out to dinner tonight.
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301. No, no, he's not gonna stand
us up like he did last time.
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302. He won't ever
stand us up again.
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303. So I am the new customer
service supervisor.
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304. When deangelo's around.
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305. - And I'm also a very
dutiful boyfriend when—
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306. - All the time.
- All the time.
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307. Erin, do you mind
running down to the lobby
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308. and bringing up my
brand-new executive assistant?
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309. Absolutely.
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310. Hey, who'd you end up hiring?
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311. I'm glad you asked, Jim.
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312. Because apparently there's
a rumor running around
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313. here that I'm a sexist.
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314. I can't work here effectively
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315. if you guys think I'm
something that I'm not.
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316. I'm not a sexist.
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317. Raise your hand
if you have a vagina.
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318. Raise your hand if someone
you love has a vagina.
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319. Yeah, yeah, okay.
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320. Just about everyone.
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321. What about deangelo's hand?
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322. Oh, wow.
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323. He's got 'em both up.
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324. Yeah.
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325. Uh-huh, yeah.
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326. So it bothers me when
I hear that there's gossip
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327. around here that I
treat women lesser than men.
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328. Okay?
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329. Frankly, we all look a little
ridiculous when that happens.
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330. I'm not a feminist,
but I think that
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331. the men in this office
are being given chances
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332. that the women aren't.
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333. Dwight.
What's your take?
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334. What's the argument here?
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335. NBA, WNBA.
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336. One is a sport, one is a joke.
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337. I love sports, I love jokes.
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338. Room for all.
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339. Man, your smart.
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340. Oh, hey, hi.
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341. Hello.
Hi.
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342. Welcome.
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343. Uh, everyone.
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344. I'd like you to please
welcome Jordan garfield.
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345. This is everyone.
Hello.
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346. So Jordan, uh, where
did you work before?
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347. Uh, a law office?
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348. No, anthropologie.
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349. "We don't have this
and that size."
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350. Pretty—pretty lame.
- Hm.
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351. Lame?
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352. You worked at anthropologie?
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353. - Yes.
- That's, like, my dream job.
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354. How did you even get that job?
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355. Well, I, um—
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356. You chose this
job over that job?
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357. Okay, okay,
back to work, Kelly.
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358. We have a lot
to get done today.
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359. So, um, is this your
first office job then?
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360. - Yeah.
- Yup.
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361. Wow.
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362. No corporate
experience whatsoever.
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363. I didn't want anyone
with any bad habits.
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364. Jim, you coming?
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365. Oh, yeah, did he text us?
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366. Yeah.
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367. No!
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368. Jim, what are you doing?
Get in there.
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369. This is not the time
to take a stand,
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370. at least he likes one of us.
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371. He didn't text me.
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372. Yes!
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373. I'm in.
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374. Andy, what are you doing?
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375. Uh, I'm going in
to the belly of the beast.
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376. I'm gonna infiltrate
and change from within.
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377. What's up, man cave!
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378. - Just go in.
- Hm?
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379. Just go in, he probably
just forgot to text you.
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380. Internally for office use.
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381. Where do we get our paper from?
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382. Do we go and—do we
have that system?
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383. Don't worry, the
first day's always the hardest.
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384. Yeah.
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385. - Hey, Jim.
- Yeah.
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386. Can I help you?
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387. Nope, just...
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388. Okay.
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389. So, he kicked you out
of the inner circle, huh?
Copy !req
390. No, there is no inner circle.
Copy !req
391. Dwight? Deangelo wanted me
to ask you
Copy !req
392. if there's anything
I could help you with?
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393. Really?
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394. Anything?
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395. Do you need anything?
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396. Deangelo?
Copy !req
397. Tell your whore
to leave me alone!
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398. Okay, I do not
wanna waste your time,
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399. so I will keep
this brrrrrrrrief!
Copy !req
400. Now, word on the street
is mercy hospital.
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401. Back on the market.
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402. Deangelo would like you
to put together
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403. a sales pitch for next week.
Copy !req
404. Deangelo has also
recently learned
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405. about the barnacle project,
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406. which is a non-profit
organization
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407. based in mystic, Connecticut,
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408. that assists in the
scraping of barnacles—
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409. So this is my life.
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410. Until I win the lottery.
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411. Or Pam finally writes that
series of young adult books.
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412. So one afternoon while
walking home from school,
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413. quirky tenth grader
Becky Walters
Copy !req
414. finds a wounded Pegasus
in the woods.
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415. And she becomes
"the horse flyer."
Copy !req
416. Hey, Kelly,
that's the last time
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417. I'm gonna talk to you
about your paycheck, okay?
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418. We pay you a fair salary here
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419. and if you're only
here for the money,
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420. maybe you shouldn't
be here at all.
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421. No one likes
a money-grubber.
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422. I'm sorry, Mr. Howard.
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423. I apologize for
grubbing for money—
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424. I can't do this,
I can't do this.
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425. I—I'm sorry,
I just can't do it.
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426. Deangelo, Ryan
is not my boss, okay?
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427. Frankly, he hasn't had
a real job here in years.
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428. Oh, that's hilarious, Kelly.
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429. No, he's just
a big fraud, Deangelo.
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430. He's like Rango.
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431. He doesn't work
here, basically,
Copy !req
432. just like the way Rango
didn't save those animals.
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433. It was just a big
misunderstanding.
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434. Is this true, Ryan?
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435. I did not see Rango.
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436. Okay, I don't have time for
this "he said, she said."
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437. He's not saying anything!
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438. It's too murky.
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439. I like Ryan, you seem
kind of hysterical to me.
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440. Ryan's your supervisor.
Let's just leave it that way.
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441. But it's not fair,
I've been working here
Copy !req
442. for such a long ti—
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443. Close call.
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444. Okay, why don't you
just finish this up
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445. and leave it on my desk
and I will see you
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446. at your place
around 2:00 A.M., huh?
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447. Oh-ho-ho, yeah!
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448. Oh, angry, angry dunk.
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449. Hey.
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450. It sounds like you guys
are having a lot of fun,
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451. but it's really loud and some
of us are trying to work, so...
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452. Okay.
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453. Do you think you could
do it a little more quietly?
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454. Well, that's gonna be tough
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455. because we're getting
a dunking clinic
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456. from magic Jordan himself.
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457. Oh, you mean,
uh, Michael Jordan?
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458. Total brain-burp.
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459. I'm no MJ.
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460. Please.
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461. I can do his dunk, from
the free-throw line though.
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462. Damn!
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463. Mad respect from a brother!
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464. The man is paying me
to take Chinese.
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465. I will say what I need to say.
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466. And soon, I will
say it in Chinese.
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467. Okay, well,
it's just really loud.
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468. Okay.
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469. We'll keep that in mind.
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470. All right, ladies.
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471. Back to the game.
Do it!
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472. And Jim.
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473. Come on in.
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474. You're back in.
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475. You know what?
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476. Instead of a game,
why don't we do an exhibition?
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477. Love to see that dunk of yours.
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478. Yeah, we'll set
that up one day.
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479. Today.
Now, maybe.
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480. 'Cause we have
a hoop downstairs.
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481. And a real ball, so
you don't have to mime it.
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482. Yeah, I don't know.
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483. Why not?
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484. Only because no one
has called NASA
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485. to request a lift-off.
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486. - Let's go downstairs, okay?
- Let's definitely do that.
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487. - Let's do it.
- Pass.
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488. If I wanted to see
a pissing contest
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489. I'd lock Mose
in the chicken Coop.
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490. Damn it, Dwight, enough!
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491. Get your ass downstairs,
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492. or find a new place
to sell paper!
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493. Okay, a little about me.
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494. I respond to strong leadership.
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495. - All right, there you go.
- Seems a little close.
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496. You're sure that's
the real foul line?
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497. 15 feet from the baseline.
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498. So you need me to move it in?
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499. Nah, that's 15.
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500. Yeah.
Okay.
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501. And, uh, you know what,
to make it interesting,
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502. Jordan, why don't you
sit underneath the basket?
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503. - Seriously?
- Yeah, come on.
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504. I'll dunk over you,
best seat in the house.
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505. - I don't—I don't
think I can do that.
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506. I'm holding your jewelry.
Right, yeah.
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507. Okay, fair enough.
Kevin, you do it.
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508. - Yes, okay.
- Why don't you?
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509. Here?
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510. Someone wanna
sit in Kevin's lap?
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511. - Angela?
- No.
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512. - Oscar?
- No, thank you.
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513. Okay, Jimmy, this is for you,
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514. to show you that
anything is possible.
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515. - Fantastic.
- All right?
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516. - Yup.
- This is also for the troops.
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517. Doctor is in!
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518. Now what?
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519. - Deangelo?
- Tablab.
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520. Oh, my God, are you all right?
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521. Erin, would you
call 911 please?
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522. Who should I say is calling?
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523. Erin.
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524. Chea three thead twa to bar.
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525. Scoince?
Paunch and loud.
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526. Paunch says to barter
how's gonna tha.
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527. Barte sayce four tha pa.
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528. Everybody tine, everybody tha.
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529. Everybody tha.
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530. Dra tweb.
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531. Yeah.
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532. Dra sweb.
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533. Treasure, yeah, I get it.
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534. Okay, we're gonna
work on treasure.
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