1. So, coasting time
is officially over.Copy !req
2. Big changes are coming,
and they're coming fast.Copy !req
3. If you don't like 'em,Copy !req
4. this is called a door,
you can walk
right through it.Copy !req
5. All right? I'm not
here to be your friend.Copy !req
6. I like my life
outside of this place.Copy !req
7. I live to leave at 5:00.Copy !req
8. Change number one, Darryl.Copy !req
9. Per your request,
the company is sending you
to business school at night.Copy !req
10. Full ride, deal with it.Copy !req
11. Seriously?
Stone-cold seriously.Copy !req
12. They are trying
to figure me out,
and I don't like it.Copy !req
13. Once they figure me out,
they start to tell me
what I want to hear.Copy !req
14. And I need to
quickly figure out
who's a good worker,Copy !req
15. and who is simply
a good mind reader.Copy !req
16. Because as soon
as I'm hearing
what I wanna hear,Copy !req
17. I'm not gonna care.Copy !req
18. Change two, Toby.
You're getting a new chair.Copy !req
19. Thanks.
Don't thank me.Copy !req
20. Hey, don't thank me, guy.Copy !req
21. Okay?Copy !req
22. I don't care
if you like it.Copy !req
23. These sound like good ideas,
why wouldn't we like them?Copy !req
24. I don't care what
your favorite flavor is.Copy !req
25. Here's a bowl of ice cream,
you either like it
or you don't.Copy !req
26. That's my attitude
right now in this room,Copy !req
27. that's my attitude on
"Ice Cream Thursdays."Copy !req
28. All right?Copy !req
29. Clear? Any questions?Copy !req
30. This all sounds great to me.Copy !req
31. But I could see
how some people might
think that they're bad.Copy !req
32. I don't know what to think.Copy !req
33. That is a...Copy !req
34. An astute observation, Kevin.Copy !req
35. Kev's got me pegged.Copy !req
36. It blows away
Vermont in the fall.Copy !req
37. Snap, for real?Copy !req
38. Not even...
Good morning, Deangelo.Copy !req
39. Hold on, Pam.
Okay.Copy !req
40. And if you're really serious,Copy !req
41. you should go in the spring.Copy !req
42. 'Cause of the flowers.
No.Copy !req
43. Because the entire
state smells like earth.Copy !req
44. Dogwoods,
or just the earth?Copy !req
45. Yes, Pam.Copy !req
46. Hey, well, good morning.
I think I have good
news for you today.Copy !req
47. I found your new
executive assistant,
my friend, Carla.Copy !req
48. She's got
great experience,Copy !req
49. we even considered
making her Cece's godmother,Copy !req
50. but she had this
boyfriend at the time.Copy !req
51. But here's her resume.
Put it with the rest.Copy !req
52. Okay.Copy !req
53. Hey, dudes.
Hey.Copy !req
54. Hey.Copy !req
55. Oh, my God, he hates me.
No, he doesn't.Copy !req
56. You just get so nervous
and hyper around him.Copy !req
57. I know.
Every time
there's a silence,Copy !req
58. your brain's, like...Copy !req
59. Is that what he tells you
at your little
inner circle meetings?Copy !req
60. Careful,
there is no inner circle.Copy !req
61. Oh, there is
an inner circle.
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
62. There is no inner circle.Copy !req
63. Deangelo just prefers
to delegate a few
things to a few guys.Copy !req
64. Jim only says that
because he's in
the inner circle.Copy !req
65. I also say that
because I am also
in the inner circle.Copy !req
66. Did you get that, ma?Copy !req
67. Your boy, Kevin Malone,
is in the inner circle,Copy !req
68. which doesn't exist.Copy !req
69. There he is.
Got you coffee.Copy !req
70. Oh, wow, thank you,
that was so kind of you.Copy !req
71. Not a coffee guy,
I take it, huh?Copy !req
72. It's just that I
own the coffee shop.Copy !req
73. So once you've seen
sausage being made,Copy !req
74. all you wanna do
is make sausage
'cause it's so much fun.Copy !req
75. Listen, I've got a sixer,
Automatic for the People
on the jukebox.Copy !req
76. Let's hit the park
after sundown, come on.Copy !req
77. Pick up some sausage
if you want.Copy !req
78. I think you'll find
what you're looking for
over there.Copy !req
79. No matter how many times
I reach out to Dwight,Copy !req
80. he doesn't seem to want
anything to do with me.Copy !req
81. It reminds me of
my relationship
with my son.Copy !req
82. Except there,
I'm the Dwight.Copy !req
83. Who's the biggest
client in the state?Copy !req
84. I say we go get 'em,
whatever it takes.Copy !req
85. What do you guys say?Copy !req
86. Yes.
Right?Copy !req
87. Let's do it.
Or my other idea,
50,000 tiny clients.Copy !req
88. Yeah, I say that
we just go for it.Copy !req
89. Is that ball
lighter than usual?Copy !req
90. Is that
a Chinatown knockoff?Copy !req
91. That's Toys "R" Us,
I think.Copy !req
92. No, that's definitely
a knockoff.Copy !req
93. You can feel
the center of gravity
is off.Copy !req
94. Feel that,
what do you think?Copy !req
95. Oh, yeah, totally.Copy !req
96. Jim, you got
ripped off big time.Copy !req
97. Deangelo!Copy !req
98. See what I did there?
That's what you need to do.Copy !req
99. Just add a little English.
The British are coming.Copy !req
100. Yes.
Deangelo's open!Copy !req
101. Hey, Ry.
Your department's
killing it, baby.Copy !req
102. Hey! My pleasure,
my treasure.Copy !req
103. Keep it up.Copy !req
104. The problem with
having it, or,
the X factor,Copy !req
105. or whatever it is
you wanna call it,Copy !req
106. is that
it's impossible to
put into wordsCopy !req
107. what you're
bringing to the table.Copy !req
108. So, to make things
simpler for Deangelo,
I just, without lying,Copy !req
109. strongly implied that
I'm Kelly's supervisor.Copy !req
110. It's not even that
much of a stretch.Copy !req
111. She pretty much
does whatever I say.Copy !req
112. What?
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.Copy !req
113. Why should I pretend
that you are my boss?Copy !req
114. Because what
would you have done
in that situation, Kelly?Copy !req
115. I'll tell you what I
would have done for you.
I'd lie for you.Copy !req
116. Yeah,
but you lie all the time.
You lie for no reason.Copy !req
117. Ryan, you just
like to lie.Copy !req
118. I'd die for you, too.Copy !req
119. You really would?Copy !req
120. Hey, Kelly Kapoor,
if I don't have those
call logs on my desk,Copy !req
121. we're just gonna
have to evaluate
your future at the company.Copy !req
122. Sure thing, Mr. Howard.Copy !req
123. Glad he's not my boss.Copy !req
124. You're the best, thank you.Copy !req
125. You know, I have a cousin
who cracked the secret formulaCopy !req
126. for a certain popular cola
that I shall not name.Copy !req
127. So I've never
had to buy it.
True story.Copy !req
128. I just drink
my cousin's.Copy !req
129. Congratulations
on your one cousin.Copy !req
130. I have 70, each one
better than the last.Copy !req
131. You know what?
Straight up,
why don't you like me?Copy !req
132. I'm just not a suck up
like everyone else
around here, okay?Copy !req
133. I do my job well,
so why don't you
just leave me alone,Copy !req
134. and let me do it. Okay?Copy !req
135. Oh, no.Copy !req
136. What...
Okay?Copy !req
137. I'm gonna win you over.
No, you're not.Copy !req
138. Yes, I am.
No.Copy !req
139. Oh, yes.
No.Copy !req
140. Yes.
No.Copy !req
141. Yes!
No!Copy !req
142. Yes! Yes!
No! No!Copy !req
143. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!Copy !req
144. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...Copy !req
145. Uh-oh.Copy !req
146. This former
administrative assistantCopy !req
147. misspelled "administrative,"
and "assistant."Copy !req
148. The winner.Copy !req
149. Under special skills,
Mr. Don Finer put juggling.Copy !req
150. What's wrong with juggling,
Darryl?Copy !req
151. I'm a big juggler.Copy !req
152. I actually perform
a motivational
juggling routine.Copy !req
153. Seriously?
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
154. I'd do it for you
here, but...Copy !req
155. What would you
say this room is?
300 square feet? 320?Copy !req
156. Three-twenty,
just free-balling it.Copy !req
157. It's a little cramped.Copy !req
158. How many square
feet out there?
Seventeen, eighteen hundo?Copy !req
159. Oh, I think it's 18 hundo.Copy !req
160. Give or take.Copy !req
161. Sorry, gang.Copy !req
162. I thought my juggling stuff
was in the trunk of
my car, but it's not.Copy !req
163. Oh, no,
do you think
it was stolen?Copy !req
164. I got you
covered, boss.Copy !req
165. Used to play with
the parabolas myself.Copy !req
166. Got some extra balls.
Hey! Oh!Copy !req
167. Sorry, I never touch
another juggler's
instruments.Copy !req
168. You know, we're all here,
I've got the music cued.Copy !req
169. Why don't I just do my routine
without the juggling balls?Copy !req
170. Prepare to go
into the danger zone.Copy !req
171. Oh, wow,
you weren't kidding.
No, never.Copy !req
172. Can someone please
throw me a fifth ball?
If you dare.Copy !req
173. Incoming!Copy !req
174. And we're on.Copy !req
175. Remember,
nothing's impossible.Copy !req
176. Phyllis, where's Phyllis?Copy !req
177. Here.Copy !req
178. Do you believe
in me, Phyllis?Copy !req
179. Yes.
'Cause I believe in you.Copy !req
180. Oh, okay.Copy !req
181. Feel that connection?Copy !req
182. Don't move your head,
please, thank you.Copy !req
183. Big hand for Phyllis.Copy !req
184. That took a lot of guts.Copy !req
185. I'm Deangelo Vickers.Copy !req
186. Thank you so much.
Hope you learned something.Copy !req
187. He didn't drop
a single ball.Copy !req
188. Look.Copy !req
189. I'm juggling eggs
and bowling balls.Copy !req
190. I'm juggling with one hand.Copy !req
191. No hands.Copy !req
192. What could he
possibly stand to gain
from a fake juggling routine?Copy !req
193. What could he
possibly stand to gain
from a real juggling routine?Copy !req
194. How can you
keep defending him?Copy !req
195. He's good at his job,
and I like working for him.Copy !req
196. Of course you do, Jim.
You're a man.Copy !req
197. Deangelo is a huge sexist.Copy !req
198. Whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
199. I think if he was sexist,
I'd be able to tell.Copy !req
200. I took a crap load
of women's studies
courses at Cornell.Copy !req
201. And I wrote my
own companion piece
to The Vagina Monologues,Copy !req
202. called The Penis Apologies.
So I know a thing or two.Copy !req
203. Okay, then how aboutCopy !req
204. I'm the head of
the accounting department,Copy !req
205. but he only ever
talks to Kevin.Copy !req
206. What about Pam and Kelly?
Also department heads,Copy !req
207. but has he ever
met with you?Copy !req
208. Or even asked you
to do anything?Copy !req
209. How could I not see it?
You're so right.Copy !req
210. Why don't you
talk to him about it?Copy !req
211. And say what?
"Hey, Deangelo, are you shy
or just a sexist?"Copy !req
212. Why don't you just tell him
how his actions
are being perceivedCopy !req
213. by the women
in this office?Copy !req
214. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
215. And if he doesn't listen,
then he can kiss
his penis goodbye.Copy !req
216. Snip-snip.
Am I right, girls?Copy !req
217. Hey, you got a second?Copy !req
218. Yeah, I got tons of time,
this job's a joke.Copy !req
219. So what's up?Copy !req
220. Really, it's nothing.
I was just talking
to Angela.Copy !req
221. And she was...Copy !req
222. Hey. Saw Jim come in,
are we meeting?Copy !req
223. Yeah, sure,
let's make it a meeting.Copy !req
224. If it's all right,
can I just have, like,Copy !req
225. one minute alone,
just to go over...Copy !req
226. What's the big secret?
Why are you even whispering?Copy !req
227. Come on, it's the guys.Copy !req
228. I know, just the guys.Copy !req
229. Well, maybe that's
part of the problem,
I think.Copy !req
230. So what happened was
I was talking to some of
the department heads.Copy !req
231. Right.Copy !req
232. Some of the female
department heads.
Uh-oh.Copy !req
233. Yeah.
Right?Copy !req
234. Hot.
Maybe there's
a vibe out thereCopy !req
235. with certain members
of the officeCopy !req
236. that you are
a little sexist, or...Copy !req
237. Damn!
Whoa!Copy !req
238. Wait.
Are you serious?
Who feels this way?Copy !req
239. Oh, like, nobody,
it was...
Pam?Copy !req
240. Was it Pam?
Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
241. That sounds like Pam.
You know how she gets.Copy !req
242. Deangelo,
she can get really bitchy.Copy !req
243. Kevin...
Guys.Copy !req
244. Hold on.
Doesn't matter who, okay?Copy !req
245. I'm just happy
that Jim brought it
to my attention,Copy !req
246. because, honestly,
I had no idea.Copy !req
247. That's awesome.
Thank you.Copy !req
248. Mom, Ryan's taking us
out to dinner tonight.Copy !req
249. No, no,
he's not gonna stand us up
like he did last time.Copy !req
250. He won't ever
stand us up again.Copy !req
251. So I am the new
Customer Service
supervisor...Copy !req
252. When Deangelo's around.Copy !req
253. And I'm also a very
dutiful boyfriend when...Copy !req
254. All the time.
All the time.Copy !req
255. Erin, do you mind
running down to the lobbyCopy !req
256. and bringing up my brand new
executive assistant?Copy !req
257. Absolutely.
Hey, who'd you
end up hiring?Copy !req
258. I'm glad you asked, Jim.Copy !req
259. Because, apparently,
there's a rumorCopy !req
260. running around here
that I'm a sexist.Copy !req
261. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
262. I can't work here
effectively if you guys think
I'm something that I'm not.Copy !req
263. I'm not a sexist.Copy !req
264. Raise your hand if
you have a vagina.Copy !req
265. Raise your hand
if someone you love
has a vagina.Copy !req
266. Yeah, yeah, okay.
Just about everyone.Copy !req
267. What about Deangelo's hand?Copy !req
268. Oh, wow.
He's got 'em both up.Copy !req
269. Yeah.Copy !req
270. Uh-huh.Copy !req
271. Yeah. So it bothers me,Copy !req
272. when I hear that
there's gossip around hereCopy !req
273. that I treat women
lesser than men.Copy !req
274. Okay? Frankly,Copy !req
275. we all look
a little ridiculous
when that happens.Copy !req
276. I'm not a feminist,Copy !req
277. but I think that
the men in this officeCopy !req
278. are being given chances
that the women aren't.Copy !req
279. Dwight.Copy !req
280. What's your take?Copy !req
281. What's the argument here?Copy !req
282. NBA, WNBA. One is a sport,
one is a joke.Copy !req
283. I love sports, I love jokes.Copy !req
284. Room for all.
Man, you're smart.Copy !req
285. Oh, hey! Hi. Hello.
Hi.Copy !req
286. Welcome. Everyone,
I'd like you to please
welcome Jordan Garfield.Copy !req
287. This is everyone.
Hello.Copy !req
288. So, Jordan,
where did you work before?Copy !req
289. A law office?Copy !req
290. No, Anthropologie.Copy !req
291. "We don't have
this and that size."
Pretty lame.Copy !req
292. Lame? You worked
at Anthropologie?Copy !req
293. Yeah.
That's, like,
my dream job.Copy !req
294. How did you even
get that job?Copy !req
295. Well, I...
You chose this job
over that job?Copy !req
296. Okay, okay,
back to work, Kelly.Copy !req
297. We have a lot to
get done today.Copy !req
298. So, is this your
first office job then?Copy !req
299. Yeah.
Yup.Copy !req
300. Wow.
No corporate
experience whatsoever.Copy !req
301. I didn't want anyone
with any bad habits.Copy !req
302. Nice.Copy !req
303. Jim, are you coming?Copy !req
304. Oh, yeah, did he text us?
Yeah.Copy !req
305. No!Copy !req
306. Jim, what are you doing?
Get in there.Copy !req
307. This is not
the time to take a stand,
at least he likes one of us.Copy !req
308. He didn't text me.
Yes!Copy !req
309. I'm in.Copy !req
310. Andy, what are you doing?Copy !req
311. I'm going in into
the belly of the beast.Copy !req
312. I'm gonna infiltrate
and change from within.Copy !req
313. What's up, man cave?Copy !req
314. Just go in.
Hmm?Copy !req
315. Just go in,
he probably just forgot
to text you.Copy !req
316. Internally for office use,Copy !req
317. where do we get
our paper from?Copy !req
318. Do we go and...Copy !req
319. Do we have that system?
Don't worry,Copy !req
320. the first day's
always the hardest.Copy !req
321. Yeah.Copy !req
322. Hey, Jim.
Yeah?Copy !req
323. Can I help you?
Nope.Copy !req
324. Just...Copy !req
325. Okay.Copy !req
326. So, he kicked you out
of the inner circle, huh?Copy !req
327. No, there is no
inner circle.Copy !req
328. Dwight?Copy !req
329. Deangelo wanted me to ask you
if there's anything
I could help you with?Copy !req
330. Really?Copy !req
331. Anything?Copy !req
332. Do you need anything?Copy !req
333. Deangelo?Copy !req
334. Tell your whore
to leave me alone!Copy !req
335. Okay, I do not
wanna waste your time,
so I will keep this brief!Copy !req
336. Now, word on the street
is Mercy Hospital,Copy !req
337. back on the market.Copy !req
338. Deangelo would like
you to put together
a sales pitch for next week.Copy !req
339. Deangelo has also
recently learned about
the Barnacle Project,Copy !req
340. which is
a non-profit organization
based in Mystic, Connecticut,Copy !req
341. that assists in
the scraping of barnacles...Copy !req
342. So this is my lifeCopy !req
343. until I win the lotteryCopy !req
344. or Pam finally writes
that series of
young adult books.Copy !req
345. So, one afternoon
while walking
home from school,Copy !req
346. quirky 10th-grader
Becky WaltersCopy !req
347. finds a wounded
Pegasus in the woods.Copy !req
348. And she becomes
"The Horse Flyer."Copy !req
349. Hey, Kelly,
that's the last timeCopy !req
350. I'm gonna talk to you
about your paycheck, okay?Copy !req
351. We pay you a fair salary here
and if you're only here
for the money,Copy !req
352. maybe you shouldn't
be here at all.Copy !req
353. No one likes
a money grubber.Copy !req
354. I'm sorry, Mr. Howard.
I apologize for
grubbing for money...Copy !req
355. I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I'm sorry, I just can't do it.Copy !req
356. Deangelo,
Ryan is not my boss, okay?Copy !req
357. Frankly, he hasn't had
a real job here in years.Copy !req
358. Whoa!Copy !req
359. That's hilarious, Kelly.Copy !req
360. No, he's just
a big fraud, Deangelo.Copy !req
361. He's like Rango.Copy !req
362. He doesn't work here,
basically,Copy !req
363. just like the way
Rango didn't save
those animals.Copy !req
364. It was just a big
misunderstanding.Copy !req
365. Is this true, Ryan?Copy !req
366. I did not see Rango.Copy !req
367. Okay,
I don't have time for this
"he said, she said."Copy !req
368. He's not saying anything!Copy !req
369. It's too murky.Copy !req
370. I like Ryan.
You seem kind of
hysterical to me.Copy !req
371. Ryan's your supervisor.
Let's just leave it that way.Copy !req
372. But it's not fair.
I've been working here
for such a long time...Copy !req
373. Close call.Copy !req
374. Okay, why don't you
just finish this stuff up
and leave it on my deskCopy !req
375. and I will see
you at your place
around 2:00 a.m.?Copy !req
376. Oh, angry, angry dunk.Copy !req
377. Hey.Copy !req
378. It sounds like you guys
are having a lot of fun,Copy !req
379. but it's really loud
and some of us are
trying to work, so...Copy !req
380. Do you think
you could do it
a little more quietly?Copy !req
381. Well, that's gonna
be tough because we're
getting a dunking clinicCopy !req
382. from Magic Jordan himself.Copy !req
383. You mean Michael Jordan?Copy !req
384. Total brain burp.Copy !req
385. I'm no MJ.Copy !req
386. Please.Copy !req
387. I can do his dunk
from free-throw line,
though.Copy !req
388. Whoa!Copy !req
389. Damn!
Mad respect
from a brother!Copy !req
390. The man is paying me
to take Chinese.
I will say what I need to say.Copy !req
391. And soon,
I will say it in Chinese.Copy !req
392. Okay, well,
it's just really loud.Copy !req
393. Okay. We'll keep that
in mind.Copy !req
394. All right, ladies.
Back to the game.
Do it!Copy !req
395. And, Jim, come on in.Copy !req
396. You're back in.Copy !req
397. You know what?
Instead of a game,
why don't we do an exhibition?Copy !req
398. Love to see
that dunk of yours.Copy !req
399. Yeah, we'll set that up
one day.Copy !req
400. Today. Now, maybe.Copy !req
401. 'Cause we have
a hoop downstairs,Copy !req
402. and a real ball,
so you don't have
to mime it.Copy !req
403. Yeah, I don't know.Copy !req
404. Why not?Copy !req
405. Only becauseCopy !req
406. no one has called NASA
to request a lift off.Copy !req
407. Let's go downstairs, okay?
Let's do it.Copy !req
408. Pass.Copy !req
409. If I wanted to see
a pissing contest,Copy !req
410. I'd lock Mose in
the chicken coop.Copy !req
411. Damn it, Dwight, enough!Copy !req
412. Get your ass downstairs,
or find a new place
to sell paper!Copy !req
413. Okay,
a little about me.Copy !req
414. I respond to
strong leadership.Copy !req
415. All right, there you go.
Seems a little close.Copy !req
416. You're sure that's
the real foul line?Copy !req
417. Fifteen feet
from the baseline.Copy !req
418. So you need me
to move it in?Copy !req
419. Nah, that's 15.Copy !req
420. Yeah.
Okay.Copy !req
421. And, you know what,
to make it interesting,Copy !req
422. Jordan, why don't you sit
underneath the basket?Copy !req
423. Seriously?
Yeah, come on.Copy !req
424. I'll dunk over you,
best seat in the house.Copy !req
425. I don't...
I don't think
I can do that.Copy !req
426. I'm holding your jewelry.Copy !req
427. Right, yeah.Copy !req
428. Okay, fair enough.
Kevin, you do it.Copy !req
429. Yes, okay.Copy !req
430. Why don't you?Copy !req
431. Here?Copy !req
432. Someone wanna
sit in Kevin's lap?Copy !req
433. Angela?
No.Copy !req
434. Oscar?
No, thank you.Copy !req
435. Okay, Jimmy, this is for you,
to show you that
anything is possible.Copy !req
436. Fantastic.
All right?Copy !req
437. Yup.
This is also for the troops.Copy !req
438. Doctor is in!Copy !req
439. Now what?Copy !req
440. Deangelo?Copy !req
441. Oh, my God,
are you all right?Copy !req
442. Erin, will you
call 911, please?
Okay.Copy !req
443. Who should I say
is calling?
Erin.Copy !req
444. Dry sweat, yeah,
I get it.Copy !req
445. Okay, we're gonna
work on it.Copy !req