1. So, coasting time
is officially over.
Copy !req
2. Big changes are coming,
and they're coming fast.
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3. If you don't like 'em,
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4. this is called a door,
you can walk
right through it.
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5. All right? I'm not
here to be your friend.
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6. I like my life
outside of this place.
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7. I live to leave at 5:00.
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8. Change number one, Darryl.
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9. Per your request,
the company is sending you
to business school at night.
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10. Full ride, deal with it.
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11. Seriously?
Stone-cold seriously.
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12. They are trying
to figure me out,
and I don't like it.
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13. Once they figure me out,
they start to tell me
what I want to hear.
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14. And I need to
quickly figure out
who's a good worker,
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15. and who is simply
a good mind reader.
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16. Because as soon
as I'm hearing
what I wanna hear,
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17. I'm not gonna care.
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18. Change two, Toby.
You're getting a new chair.
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19. Thanks.
Don't thank me.
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20. Hey, don't thank me, guy.
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21. Okay?
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22. I don't care
if you like it.
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23. These sound like good ideas,
why wouldn't we like them?
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24. I don't care what
your favorite flavor is.
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25. Here's a bowl of ice cream,
you either like it
or you don't.
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26. That's my attitude
right now in this room,
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27. that's my attitude on
"Ice Cream Thursdays."
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28. All right?
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29. Clear? Any questions?
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30. This all sounds great to me.
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31. But I could see
how some people might
think that they're bad.
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32. I don't know what to think.
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33. That is a...
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34. An astute observation, Kevin.
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35. Kev's got me pegged.
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36. It blows away
Vermont in the fall.
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37. Snap, for real?
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38. Not even...
Good morning, Deangelo.
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39. Hold on, Pam.
Okay.
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40. And if you're really serious,
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41. you should go in the spring.
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42. 'Cause of the flowers.
No.
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43. Because the entire
state smells like earth.
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44. Dogwoods,
or just the earth?
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45. Yes, Pam.
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46. Hey, well, good morning.
I think I have good
news for you today.
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47. I found your new
executive assistant,
my friend, Carla.
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48. She's got
great experience,
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49. we even considered
making her Cece's godmother,
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50. but she had this
boyfriend at the time.
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51. But here's her resume.
Put it with the rest.
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52. Okay.
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53. Hey, dudes.
Hey.
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54. Hey.
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55. Oh, my God, he hates me.
No, he doesn't.
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56. You just get so nervous
and hyper around him.
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57. I know.
Every time
there's a silence,
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58. your brain's, like...
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59. Is that what he tells you
at your little
inner circle meetings?
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60. Careful,
there is no inner circle.
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61. Oh, there is
an inner circle.
Oh, yeah.
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62. There is no inner circle.
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63. Deangelo just prefers
to delegate a few
things to a few guys.
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64. Jim only says that
because he's in
the inner circle.
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65. I also say that
because I am also
in the inner circle.
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66. Did you get that, ma?
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67. Your boy, Kevin Malone,
is in the inner circle,
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68. which doesn't exist.
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69. There he is.
Got you coffee.
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70. Oh, wow, thank you,
that was so kind of you.
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71. Not a coffee guy,
I take it, huh?
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72. It's just that I
own the coffee shop.
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73. So once you've seen
sausage being made,
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74. all you wanna do
is make sausage
'cause it's so much fun.
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75. Listen, I've got a sixer,
Automatic for the People
on the jukebox.
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76. Let's hit the park
after sundown, come on.
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77. Pick up some sausage
if you want.
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78. I think you'll find
what you're looking for
over there.
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79. No matter how many times
I reach out to Dwight,
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80. he doesn't seem to want
anything to do with me.
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81. It reminds me of
my relationship
with my son.
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82. Except there,
I'm the Dwight.
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83. Who's the biggest
client in the state?
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84. I say we go get 'em,
whatever it takes.
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85. What do you guys say?
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86. Yes.
Right?
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87. Let's do it.
Or my other idea,
50,000 tiny clients.
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88. Yeah, I say that
we just go for it.
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89. Is that ball
lighter than usual?
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90. Is that
a Chinatown knockoff?
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91. That's Toys "R" Us,
I think.
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92. No, that's definitely
a knockoff.
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93. You can feel
the center of gravity
is off.
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94. Feel that,
what do you think?
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95. Oh, yeah, totally.
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96. Jim, you got
ripped off big time.
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97. Deangelo!
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98. See what I did there?
That's what you need to do.
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99. Just add a little English.
The British are coming.
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100. Yes.
Deangelo's open!
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101. Hey, Ry.
Your department's
killing it, baby.
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102. Hey! My pleasure,
my treasure.
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103. Keep it up.
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104. The problem with
having it, or,
the X factor,
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105. or whatever it is
you wanna call it,
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106. is that
it's impossible to
put into words
Copy !req
107. what you're
bringing to the table.
Copy !req
108. So, to make things
simpler for Deangelo,
I just, without lying,
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109. strongly implied that
I'm Kelly's supervisor.
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110. It's not even that
much of a stretch.
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111. She pretty much
does whatever I say.
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112. What?
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
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113. Why should I pretend
that you are my boss?
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114. Because what
would you have done
in that situation, Kelly?
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115. I'll tell you what I
would have done for you.
I'd lie for you.
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116. Yeah,
but you lie all the time.
You lie for no reason.
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117. Ryan, you just
like to lie.
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118. I'd die for you, too.
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119. You really would?
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120. Hey, Kelly Kapoor,
if I don't have those
call logs on my desk,
Copy !req
121. we're just gonna
have to evaluate
your future at the company.
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122. Sure thing, Mr. Howard.
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123. Glad he's not my boss.
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124. You're the best, thank you.
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125. You know, I have a cousin
who cracked the secret formula
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126. for a certain popular cola
that I shall not name.
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127. So I've never
had to buy it.
True story.
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128. I just drink
my cousin's.
Copy !req
129. Congratulations
on your one cousin.
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130. I have 70, each one
better than the last.
Copy !req
131. You know what?
Straight up,
why don't you like me?
Copy !req
132. I'm just not a suck up
like everyone else
around here, okay?
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133. I do my job well,
so why don't you
just leave me alone,
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134. and let me do it. Okay?
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135. Oh, no.
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136. What...
Okay?
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137. I'm gonna win you over.
No, you're not.
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138. Yes, I am.
No.
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139. Oh, yes.
No.
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140. Yes.
No.
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141. Yes!
No!
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142. Yes! Yes!
No! No!
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143. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
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144. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...
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145. Uh-oh.
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146. This former
administrative assistant
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147. misspelled "administrative,"
and "assistant."
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148. The winner.
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149. Under special skills,
Mr. Don Finer put juggling.
Copy !req
150. What's wrong with juggling,
Darryl?
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151. I'm a big juggler.
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152. I actually perform
a motivational
juggling routine.
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153. Seriously?
Oh, yeah.
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154. I'd do it for you
here, but...
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155. What would you
say this room is?
300 square feet? 320?
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156. Three-twenty,
just free-balling it.
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157. It's a little cramped.
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158. How many square
feet out there?
Seventeen, eighteen hundo?
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159. Oh, I think it's 18 hundo.
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160. Give or take.
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161. Sorry, gang.
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162. I thought my juggling stuff
was in the trunk of
my car, but it's not.
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163. Oh, no,
do you think
it was stolen?
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164. I got you
covered, boss.
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165. Used to play with
the parabolas myself.
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166. Got some extra balls.
Hey! Oh!
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167. Sorry, I never touch
another juggler's
instruments.
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168. You know, we're all here,
I've got the music cued.
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169. Why don't I just do my routine
without the juggling balls?
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170. Prepare to go
into the danger zone.
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171. Oh, wow,
you weren't kidding.
No, never.
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172. Can someone please
throw me a fifth ball?
If you dare.
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173. Incoming!
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174. And we're on.
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175. Remember,
nothing's impossible.
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176. Phyllis, where's Phyllis?
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177. Here.
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178. Do you believe
in me, Phyllis?
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179. Yes.
'Cause I believe in you.
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180. Oh, okay.
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181. Feel that connection?
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182. Don't move your head,
please, thank you.
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183. Big hand for Phyllis.
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184. That took a lot of guts.
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185. I'm Deangelo Vickers.
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186. Thank you so much.
Hope you learned something.
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187. He didn't drop
a single ball.
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188. Look.
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189. I'm juggling eggs
and bowling balls.
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190. I'm juggling with one hand.
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191. No hands.
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192. What could he
possibly stand to gain
from a fake juggling routine?
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193. What could he
possibly stand to gain
from a real juggling routine?
Copy !req
194. How can you
keep defending him?
Copy !req
195. He's good at his job,
and I like working for him.
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196. Of course you do, Jim.
You're a man.
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197. Deangelo is a huge sexist.
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198. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
199. I think if he was sexist,
I'd be able to tell.
Copy !req
200. I took a crap load
of women's studies
courses at Cornell.
Copy !req
201. And I wrote my
own companion piece
to The Vagina Monologues,
Copy !req
202. called The Penis Apologies.
So I know a thing or two.
Copy !req
203. Okay, then how about
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204. I'm the head of
the accounting department,
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205. but he only ever
talks to Kevin.
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206. What about Pam and Kelly?
Also department heads,
Copy !req
207. but has he ever
met with you?
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208. Or even asked you
to do anything?
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209. How could I not see it?
You're so right.
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210. Why don't you
talk to him about it?
Copy !req
211. And say what?
"Hey, Deangelo, are you shy
or just a sexist?"
Copy !req
212. Why don't you just tell him
how his actions
are being perceived
Copy !req
213. by the women
in this office?
Copy !req
214. Mmm-hmm.
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215. And if he doesn't listen,
then he can kiss
his penis goodbye.
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216. Snip-snip.
Am I right, girls?
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217. Hey, you got a second?
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218. Yeah, I got tons of time,
this job's a joke.
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219. So what's up?
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220. Really, it's nothing.
I was just talking
to Angela.
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221. And she was...
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222. Hey. Saw Jim come in,
are we meeting?
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223. Yeah, sure,
let's make it a meeting.
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224. If it's all right,
can I just have, like,
Copy !req
225. one minute alone,
just to go over...
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226. What's the big secret?
Why are you even whispering?
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227. Come on, it's the guys.
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228. I know, just the guys.
Copy !req
229. Well, maybe that's
part of the problem,
I think.
Copy !req
230. So what happened was
I was talking to some of
the department heads.
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231. Right.
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232. Some of the female
department heads.
Uh-oh.
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233. Yeah.
Right?
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234. Hot.
Maybe there's
a vibe out there
Copy !req
235. with certain members
of the office
Copy !req
236. that you are
a little sexist, or...
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237. Damn!
Whoa!
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238. Wait.
Are you serious?
Who feels this way?
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239. Oh, like, nobody,
it was...
Pam?
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240. Was it Pam?
Oh, my gosh.
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241. That sounds like Pam.
You know how she gets.
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242. Deangelo,
she can get really bitchy.
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243. Kevin...
Guys.
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244. Hold on.
Doesn't matter who, okay?
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245. I'm just happy
that Jim brought it
to my attention,
Copy !req
246. because, honestly,
I had no idea.
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247. That's awesome.
Thank you.
Copy !req
248. Mom, Ryan's taking us
out to dinner tonight.
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249. No, no,
he's not gonna stand us up
like he did last time.
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250. He won't ever
stand us up again.
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251. So I am the new
Customer Service
supervisor...
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252. When Deangelo's around.
Copy !req
253. And I'm also a very
dutiful boyfriend when...
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254. All the time.
All the time.
Copy !req
255. Erin, do you mind
running down to the lobby
Copy !req
256. and bringing up my brand new
executive assistant?
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257. Absolutely.
Hey, who'd you
end up hiring?
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258. I'm glad you asked, Jim.
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259. Because, apparently,
there's a rumor
Copy !req
260. running around here
that I'm a sexist.
Copy !req
261. Mmm-hmm.
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262. I can't work here
effectively if you guys think
I'm something that I'm not.
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263. I'm not a sexist.
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264. Raise your hand if
you have a vagina.
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265. Raise your hand
if someone you love
has a vagina.
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266. Yeah, yeah, okay.
Just about everyone.
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267. What about Deangelo's hand?
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268. Oh, wow.
He's got 'em both up.
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269. Yeah.
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270. Uh-huh.
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271. Yeah. So it bothers me,
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272. when I hear that
there's gossip around here
Copy !req
273. that I treat women
lesser than men.
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274. Okay? Frankly,
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275. we all look
a little ridiculous
when that happens.
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276. I'm not a feminist,
Copy !req
277. but I think that
the men in this office
Copy !req
278. are being given chances
that the women aren't.
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279. Dwight.
Copy !req
280. What's your take?
Copy !req
281. What's the argument here?
Copy !req
282. NBA, WNBA. One is a sport,
one is a joke.
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283. I love sports, I love jokes.
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284. Room for all.
Man, you're smart.
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285. Oh, hey! Hi. Hello.
Hi.
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286. Welcome. Everyone,
I'd like you to please
welcome Jordan Garfield.
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287. This is everyone.
Hello.
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288. So, Jordan,
where did you work before?
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289. A law office?
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290. No, Anthropologie.
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291. "We don't have
this and that size."
Pretty lame.
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292. Lame? You worked
at Anthropologie?
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293. Yeah.
That's, like,
my dream job.
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294. How did you even
get that job?
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295. Well, I...
You chose this job
over that job?
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296. Okay, okay,
back to work, Kelly.
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297. We have a lot to
get done today.
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298. So, is this your
first office job then?
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299. Yeah.
Yup.
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300. Wow.
No corporate
experience whatsoever.
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301. I didn't want anyone
with any bad habits.
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302. Nice.
Copy !req
303. Jim, are you coming?
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304. Oh, yeah, did he text us?
Yeah.
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305. No!
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306. Jim, what are you doing?
Get in there.
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307. This is not
the time to take a stand,
at least he likes one of us.
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308. He didn't text me.
Yes!
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309. I'm in.
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310. Andy, what are you doing?
Copy !req
311. I'm going in into
the belly of the beast.
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312. I'm gonna infiltrate
and change from within.
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313. What's up, man cave?
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314. Just go in.
Hmm?
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315. Just go in,
he probably just forgot
to text you.
Copy !req
316. Internally for office use,
Copy !req
317. where do we get
our paper from?
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318. Do we go and...
Copy !req
319. Do we have that system?
Don't worry,
Copy !req
320. the first day's
always the hardest.
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321. Yeah.
Copy !req
322. Hey, Jim.
Yeah?
Copy !req
323. Can I help you?
Nope.
Copy !req
324. Just...
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325. Okay.
Copy !req
326. So, he kicked you out
of the inner circle, huh?
Copy !req
327. No, there is no
inner circle.
Copy !req
328. Dwight?
Copy !req
329. Deangelo wanted me to ask you
if there's anything
I could help you with?
Copy !req
330. Really?
Copy !req
331. Anything?
Copy !req
332. Do you need anything?
Copy !req
333. Deangelo?
Copy !req
334. Tell your whore
to leave me alone!
Copy !req
335. Okay, I do not
wanna waste your time,
so I will keep this brief!
Copy !req
336. Now, word on the street
is Mercy Hospital,
Copy !req
337. back on the market.
Copy !req
338. Deangelo would like
you to put together
a sales pitch for next week.
Copy !req
339. Deangelo has also
recently learned about
the Barnacle Project,
Copy !req
340. which is
a non-profit organization
based in Mystic, Connecticut,
Copy !req
341. that assists in
the scraping of barnacles...
Copy !req
342. So this is my life
Copy !req
343. until I win the lottery
Copy !req
344. or Pam finally writes
that series of
young adult books.
Copy !req
345. So, one afternoon
while walking
home from school,
Copy !req
346. quirky 10th-grader
Becky Walters
Copy !req
347. finds a wounded
Pegasus in the woods.
Copy !req
348. And she becomes
"The Horse Flyer."
Copy !req
349. Hey, Kelly,
that's the last time
Copy !req
350. I'm gonna talk to you
about your paycheck, okay?
Copy !req
351. We pay you a fair salary here
and if you're only here
for the money,
Copy !req
352. maybe you shouldn't
be here at all.
Copy !req
353. No one likes
a money grubber.
Copy !req
354. I'm sorry, Mr. Howard.
I apologize for
grubbing for money...
Copy !req
355. I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I'm sorry, I just can't do it.
Copy !req
356. Deangelo,
Ryan is not my boss, okay?
Copy !req
357. Frankly, he hasn't had
a real job here in years.
Copy !req
358. Whoa!
Copy !req
359. That's hilarious, Kelly.
Copy !req
360. No, he's just
a big fraud, Deangelo.
Copy !req
361. He's like Rango.
Copy !req
362. He doesn't work here,
basically,
Copy !req
363. just like the way
Rango didn't save
those animals.
Copy !req
364. It was just a big
misunderstanding.
Copy !req
365. Is this true, Ryan?
Copy !req
366. I did not see Rango.
Copy !req
367. Okay,
I don't have time for this
"he said, she said."
Copy !req
368. He's not saying anything!
Copy !req
369. It's too murky.
Copy !req
370. I like Ryan.
You seem kind of
hysterical to me.
Copy !req
371. Ryan's your supervisor.
Let's just leave it that way.
Copy !req
372. But it's not fair.
I've been working here
for such a long time...
Copy !req
373. Close call.
Copy !req
374. Okay, why don't you
just finish this stuff up
and leave it on my desk
Copy !req
375. and I will see
you at your place
around 2:00 a.m.?
Copy !req
376. Oh, angry, angry dunk.
Copy !req
377. Hey.
Copy !req
378. It sounds like you guys
are having a lot of fun,
Copy !req
379. but it's really loud
and some of us are
trying to work, so...
Copy !req
380. Do you think
you could do it
a little more quietly?
Copy !req
381. Well, that's gonna
be tough because we're
getting a dunking clinic
Copy !req
382. from Magic Jordan himself.
Copy !req
383. You mean Michael Jordan?
Copy !req
384. Total brain burp.
Copy !req
385. I'm no MJ.
Copy !req
386. Please.
Copy !req
387. I can do his dunk
from free-throw line,
though.
Copy !req
388. Whoa!
Copy !req
389. Damn!
Mad respect
from a brother!
Copy !req
390. The man is paying me
to take Chinese.
I will say what I need to say.
Copy !req
391. And soon,
I will say it in Chinese.
Copy !req
392. Okay, well,
it's just really loud.
Copy !req
393. Okay. We'll keep that
in mind.
Copy !req
394. All right, ladies.
Back to the game.
Do it!
Copy !req
395. And, Jim, come on in.
Copy !req
396. You're back in.
Copy !req
397. You know what?
Instead of a game,
why don't we do an exhibition?
Copy !req
398. Love to see
that dunk of yours.
Copy !req
399. Yeah, we'll set that up
one day.
Copy !req
400. Today. Now, maybe.
Copy !req
401. 'Cause we have
a hoop downstairs,
Copy !req
402. and a real ball,
so you don't have
to mime it.
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403. Yeah, I don't know.
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404. Why not?
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405. Only because
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406. no one has called NASA
to request a lift off.
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407. Let's go downstairs, okay?
Let's do it.
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408. Pass.
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409. If I wanted to see
a pissing contest,
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410. I'd lock Mose in
the chicken coop.
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411. Damn it, Dwight, enough!
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412. Get your ass downstairs,
or find a new place
to sell paper!
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413. Okay,
a little about me.
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414. I respond to
strong leadership.
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415. All right, there you go.
Seems a little close.
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416. You're sure that's
the real foul line?
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417. Fifteen feet
from the baseline.
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418. So you need me
to move it in?
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419. Nah, that's 15.
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420. Yeah.
Okay.
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421. And, you know what,
to make it interesting,
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422. Jordan, why don't you sit
underneath the basket?
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423. Seriously?
Yeah, come on.
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424. I'll dunk over you,
best seat in the house.
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425. I don't...
I don't think
I can do that.
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426. I'm holding your jewelry.
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427. Right, yeah.
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428. Okay, fair enough.
Kevin, you do it.
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429. Yes, okay.
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430. Why don't you?
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431. Here?
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432. Someone wanna
sit in Kevin's lap?
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433. Angela?
No.
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434. Oscar?
No, thank you.
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435. Okay, Jimmy, this is for you,
to show you that
anything is possible.
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436. Fantastic.
All right?
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437. Yup.
This is also for the troops.
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438. Doctor is in!
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439. Now what?
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440. Deangelo?
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441. Oh, my God,
are you all right?
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442. Erin, will you
call 911, please?
Okay.
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443. Who should I say
is calling?
Erin.
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444. Dry sweat, yeah,
I get it.
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445. Okay, we're gonna
work on it.
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