The Office 7x20

1. - Kahlua sombrero, please. - All right.

2. So just you tonight?

3. Actually, I am meeting somebody,

4. but I'm a little bit early.

5. I'm leaving my company after 19 years.

6. I'll drink to that.

7. I'm starting at a company this week.

8. Oh, really?

9. To beginnings and endings.

10. And to middles, the unsung heroes.

11. And to moms.

12. To moms of the troops.

13. Mmm.

14. Do not tell my fiancée I'm drinking on a Wednesday.

15. I won't.

16. I don't know her.

17. Moving out to the 'burbs.

18. Actually, I'm moving further than the 'burbs.

19. I'm moving to Colorado.

20. - Colorado? - Yeah.

21. - Sunshine state. - Yep.

22. - Don't mess with Colorado. - No, don't.

23. Doing some skiing?

24. No, no, I don't want to end up like Sonny Bobo.

25. Well, that's just—that's just good sense right there.

26. Yeah, everyone I know who skis is dead.

27. You know what, I would like to try the luge though.

28. Try it once, you're hooked.

29. - That's my guess. - That's what I've heard.

30. - I'm an Olympics nut. - Oh, yeah? Me too.

31. Summer or winter?

32. Summer.

33. Oh!

34. Knuckle.

35. Actually, I gotta come around to give you—

36. Yeah, come on.

37. You know, it's funny.

38. I actually tried to get an animal Olympics going.

39. Really? What happened?

40. You know, life happened.

41. What are you gonna miss most about Scranton?

42. Oh, wow.

43. The mountains, where things are.

44. Mm-hmm.

45. Yeah.

46. You waiting for somebody?

47. Yeah.

48. I'm not gonna say anything.

49. Penn or Teller?

50. - Really? - Yeah.

51. - Huh. - Yeah.

52. - Huh. - I know.

53. Okay.

54. Tie.

55. Oh! Good answer.

56. - Tie. - Very good.

57. Thank you. Okay, your turn.

58. Mm.

59. Same question.

60. - Oh, wow. Okay. - Yeah. Yeah.

61. Oh, that's tough.

62. - Right? - That is hard.

63. - Tie. - Yep.

64. - Tie. - That's the way it goes.

65. Man, he is late.

66. I'm gonna call him.

67. Do you mind? I'm sorry.

68. No, no, no.

69. Where is this guy?

70. Excuse me.

71. I need to take this.

72. Hello?

73. - This is Michael Scott. - Yes, yes.

74. You running late? I'm here.

75. - No, I'm here. - Oh.

76. - I'm at the bar. - I'm at the bar too.

77. - You are? - Uh-huh.

78. What bar?

79. I'm at the— The bar—

80. The bar that's located in the lobby of the hotel.

81. I do not see you.

82. How long have you—

83. I've been here about,

84. gosh, over half an hour.

85. Okay, yeah, me too.

86. - Sorry. - Sorry.

87. What are you wearing?

88. I am wearing a gray suit, red tie.

89. Are we both at the right place?

90. Which place?

91. - I hear your voice. - I hear your—

92. - I hear your voice... - I see your lips moving.

93. - In the phone. - And, oh, brother.

94. And that's—man!

95. Michael Scott.

96. Deangelo Vickers.

97. - Wow. - Ah.

98. That is insane!

99. "That is insane" is right.

100. That's the right term.

101. Bartender, let's get some vodka

102. up in this cranberry, and one for my friend.

103. I have heard that it is impossible

104. - to become addicted to vodka. - That is true.

105. That is true. Vodka is nonaddictive.

106. Most of the higher spirits are undetectable.

107. It's because of the potato.

108. - One, two, three. - To new friends.

109. Wow. Wow.

110. This is gonna take hours.

111. Are her breasts different?

112. - No panties on this one. - Okay, good.

113. And I think the sail was folded differently.

114. - No! - That's okay. That's okay.

115. That's okay. It's all good.

116. On this one, I think she's like, "Get lost,"

117. but on this one, I think I have a chance.

118. No! I still think the sail is different.

119. God! Come on.

120. I think this is broken.

121. - Wanna play again? - Definitely.

122. - That right there... - You want to try this.

123. - Trust me. - Really?

124. Trust me. You want to try this.

125. - Mmm! Are you kidding me? - Mm-hmm.

126. Because one day they say that blueberries prevent cancer,

127. and then the next day they say that blueberries cause cancer.

128. That's totally true.

129. You know what'd be a great Onion headline?

130. "Cancer Prevents Cancer."

131. - That's so Onion. - I know!

132. It's so you, but it's also so Onion.

133. Ah.

134. There we go. Ready?

135. - I am ready. - All right, here we go.

136. Well, this is it. What do you think?

137. She'll do. Oh, she'll do just fine.

138. I am very much looking forward to tomorrow.

139. Uh, it is, uh—

140. It feels like the culmination of a lot of hard work,

141. a lot of good fortune, and, uh—

142. Hey, come on.

143. Did that— Did that just happen?

144. We should write a movie or something.

145. I'm serious.

146. Rise and shine. Coffee time.

147. Do not talk to me until I have had my coffee.

148. Until I've had my coffee, do not talk to me.

149. Mmm.

150. - Oh, I feel better. - I feel awesome.

151. It does not agree with me.

152. Coffee.

153. - No. - And yet I have to have it.

154. You know what? Coffee keeps me regular.

155. Yeah. Well...

156. It's the best time of the day.

157. - In that regard... - Right, right, right.

158. It is the best time of the day.

159. Right, right, right.

160. I give it about seven minutes.

161. - Really? - Yeah.

162. Seven minutes from this.

163. Beeline.

164. So at... 8:37.

165. Mmm.

166. Michael is leaving,

167. and apparently they already hired a new manager.

168. And we're meeting him today.

169. That's a lot to process,

170. paperwork-wise.

171. If you had told me a year ago

172. that Michael would leave this place for someone in HR,

173. I would've thought you meant he would murder Toby.

174. Still might.

175. I never thought Michael would leave.

176. I mean, outside of the time

177. he thought Wallace was promoting him

178. and he had us do races at the beach,

179. and when Charles Miner took over

180. and he opened up his own company.

181. But outside of that,

182. he once tried to run away on a train.

183. No, it's not Ashton Kutcher.

184. It's Kevin Malone.

185. Equally handsome, equally smart.

186. - Good morning. - Hi.

187. - Good morning. - Good morning to you.

188. What's this?

189. Oh, nothing. That is just a screenplay.

190. The Adventure Pals

191. by Deangelo Vickers and Michael Scott.

192. Oh, my gosh, it's 150 pages longs.

193. Okay, everyone, as you know,

194. one of my favorite things is fanfare for its own sake.

195. So without further ado,

196. let's all start clapping.

197. Presenting Deangelo Vickers!

198. Hi!

199. Hello.

200. - Come on out! - Oh.

201. Hello. Hey.

202. How are you, sir?

203. I'm well, sir. How are you?

204. Uh, can I just say,

205. I am so excited to be working here.

206. We couldn't be more excited about having you here.

207. - Welcome. - A little bit about myself—

208. I love the American Southwest, for starters.

209. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah.

210. I call them heaven.

211. I have a peanut allergy.

212. Something I live with. It's a part of me.

213. I've learned to cope with it.

214. I was a national ranked high jumper in high school.

215. Really?

216. - Yeah. - I didn't know that.

217. Couldn't do it in college for academic reasons.

218. And that's something that still bugs me.

219. - What else— - I'm just as comfortable at a ball game

220. as I am at the opera.

221. I was a—

222. Did I want to be made manager?

223. Sure.

224. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely.

225. A crushing blow? Yes.

226. Will I get over it? Mmm...

227. No. But life goes on.

228. Not for me.

229. I think with a little hard work,

230. we can become the greatest office in the world.

231. I truly believe that. That's not an understatement.

232. Okay?

233. Right?

234. Yeah? Yeah? Okay.

235. That's about it.

236. - That's about it? - Yeah.

237. There's so much more.

238. This guy is being so modest.

239. There's a lot more to him than what he just said.

240. We can't wait to learn it all. Right, guys?

241. Again, welcome.

242. - Fantastic. - Thank you so much.

243. - Sir? - Yes.

244. Thank you very much.

245. So we talked for, like, 20 minutes.

246. No clue it's Deangelo the whole time.

247. That's kind of embarrassing.

248. No, no.

249. Yeah, that story makes you sound stupid.

250. I happen to like the hilarious hijinks

251. that I get myself into.

252. There he is— There—

253. Deangelo, I was just telling them

254. about last night when we met.

255. - Oh. - Remember that?

256. That was crazy.

257. That was great.

258. "Uh, let's see. Where's my replacement?"

259. - Hmm. - Uh.

260. "Where's the guy I'm replacing?"

261. I don't know. Why don't I look to my left?

262. - I know. - You're sitting right there.

263. I know.

264. Well, that's— That's what I was just saying.

265. That's the—

266. That exact situation is why I always

267. carry around a couple of these.

268. Just in case, 'cause, you know,

269. sometimes you need to I.D. yourself.

270. Office funny guy.

271. Always glad to have an office funny guy around.

272. I wasn't even trying to make a joke.

273. But I guess I've always been sort of quirky.

274. Offbeat. A little twisted.

275. This is Jim and Pam, aka "Jap."

276. What started as an affair

277. has blossomed into a family before our eyes.

278. Well, it was— It wasn't an affair.

279. - Yes, it was. - But, no—

280. But we are a family.

281. We made that.

282. - Cecelia. - Aw.

283. - Congratulations. - Thank you.

284. I have four kids of my own.

285. - Really? - Yeah.

286. Oh, my gosh. Well, we just have the one,

287. but she poops for four.

288. Uh-oh, someone started off

289. on a good foot with the new boss.

290. Yeah, they don't ever talk about careers that were made

291. because of unplanned pregnancies, so.

292. Meredith has shown me her breasts

293. on three separate occasions.

294. - Really? - There's Dwight. Dwight!

295. Best right-hand man in the business.

296. But you better buy a taser

297. to keep him from wiping your butt.

298. Hey, Dwight, you had something to say to Deangelo?

299. Welcome, new manager of Dunder Mifflin.

300. I'm Dwight K. Schrute.

301. I am assistant regional manager.

302. I will be at your beck and call night and day.

303. Consider me an extension of your own hand.

304. I serve at your pleasure.

305. Congratulations on joining the staff here.

306. This truly is a great day.

307. The end.

308. - Very nice. - Thank you.

309. - Brought you some cookies. - Oh!

310. Dwight's home-baked cookies. These are the best.

311. Lemon bars or the coconut ones—

312. I got these at the store.

313. Apparently it's one of the most popular brands

314. in the United States.

315. - Enjoy. - Chips Ahoy.

316. Okay.

317. Maybe he ran out of yeast. I don't know.

318. Maybe syrup. No, not—well, maybe syrup.

319. I don't know.

320. Oh, sure, sure. You can use syrup.

321. That apple looks delish.

322. I do a lot of portion control.

323. Try to keep my daily caloric intake under 1,200.

324. Deangelo, you're going to starve to death.

325. So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me?

326. Come on! I call middle.

327. It's cool that you like the Southwest.

328. It's one of my favorite regions.

329. "It's one of my favorite regions."

330. Did I just sound totally lame?

331. No.

332. I sounded good.

333. I love the desert.

334. It's one of my favorite ecosystems.

335. Here's the great thing about the Southwest.

336. There is so much more than desert.

337. Along the north rim of the Grand Canyon

338. is a forest as lush as you've ever seen.

339. Burned. It's lush, dummy.

340. Hey, uh, Deangelo.

341. What do you think about bald people?

342. I hate them.

343. Deangelo, I forget,

344. did you mention you liked politics?

345. - I did not. - Because I was thinking,

346. you should meet my boyfriend. He's a state senator.

347. I really think the two of you would hit it off.

348. He's a great person to know.

349. Sounds very interesting. Thank you.

350. Mm-hmm.

351. Psst. Thanks for meeting me.

352. Are you kidding?

353. I would come anywhere to see a turtle.

354. - Yeah. - Where'd you find him?

355. There's no turtle, Michael.

356. I just wanted to get you here.

357. You know me very well, Dwight.

358. That's because I'm your right-hand man, Michael.

359. But I can't do it. I can't do it again.

360. I can't be a right-hand man to a whole new guy.

361. Now I'm gonna have to go online

362. and look at turtles,

363. or else I'm gonna be off the whole day.

364. I want to be manager.

365. I have been Robin to your Batman for 11 years.

366. 11 glorious years, Michael.

367. But at a certain point, Robin needs to become Batman.

368. Batman scares me, Dwight.

369. Let's not talk about Batman.

370. Yeah, well, you know what?

371. Bats scared Bruce Wayne too.

372. That's why he became Batman.

373. Ha.

374. - What are you thinking? - Nothing.

375. - Is there a Turtleman? - No, Michael—

376. I just don't understand

377. why I wasn't even interviewed for the job.

378. You know, what's wrong?

379. I'm totally qualified. You were pushing for me.

380. I didn't know Dwight wanted to be manager.

381. Deangelo.

382. You will—you'll get a kick out of this.

383. Do you know those old-school blocks,

384. the wooden blocks?

385. - For kids. - Mm-hmm.

386. Oh, my gosh, yes. Oh, yeah, the block story.

387. - This is great. Okay, go ahead. - Right.

388. So—the blocks with the letters on them.

389. - Yes. Right. Okay. - Yeah, sure, sure.

390. So we give a set of those to Cece,

391. and we turn around for, like, a second.

392. A second.

393. And we turn back,

394. and she has spelled out the word "ass"

395. in the blocks.

396. So we're laughing. She's grinning.

397. It was so funny.

398. Kids are a riot.

399. They really do say the darnedest things.

400. Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin.

401. Okay, let me transfer you.

402. Why do you use your name when you answer the phone?

403. Oh, that's how Pam does it. I just copy her.

404. She's—she's sort of a living legend.

405. Try it without using your name.

406. Dunder Mifflin, this is.

407. Oh, yeah. I like it.

408. Dunder Mifflin, how may I assist you?

409. Oh, assist.

410. I sort of like the old way.

411. I just prefer it without the name.

412. - I thought... - Okay, no, no, no.

413. I gotta start doing some managing at some point, right?

414. I know, I know. I'm sorry.

415. But if it's not a big deal,

416. we should just do the old way.

417. - And it really isn't. - Okay.

418. - That good? - Yeah, okay, good.

419. Well, I'd like to change it, actually.

420. Well, you know, whatever.

421. - Yeah. - Whatever you think would work.

422. What do you think?

423. I think a change would be nice.

424. You could do the old way, or the, you know,

425. whichever one you want to do.

426. Change it.

427. I'm so sorry.

428. Sorry.

429. Come on, maggot.

430. Bye-bye, calories.

431. Whoo!

432. Don't stop now!

433. No one's stopping.

434. Okay.

435. Wow. Look at you!

436. Oh, don't hug me.

437. No! Get away, get away.

438. I see you've been introduced to our conference room.

439. Multifunction room, yeah.

440. So I was thinking that maybe

441. I could show you around a little bit more.

442. You could shadow me. Still a lot to learn, so.

443. You know, I'm feeling like I'm ready to dive in.

444. Well, the water's pretty cold. A lot of octopuses out there.

445. Well, I've been taught by the best octopus hunter in the biz.

446. Haven't taught you everything. There's...

447. Pretty good teacher. I feel pretty prepared.

448. You know what, no teacher in the world

449. could teach this job in one day.

450. I think you just about did.

451. Well, I don't think I did, so—

452. Deangelo is great.

453. He's so great.

454. I only wish that we weren't meeting right now

455. when he's replacing me.

456. You know when I wish we met?

457. I wish that I met him at a haunted house.

458. And he was just some random dude,

459. and I said, "Hey, man,

460. you want to go through the haunted house together?"

461. And he'd be like, "Yeah!"

462. And we go through and we laugh and it's not scary.

463. That's—that would be primo.

464. But this is less. It's less that way.

465. Oh, hey, Dwight.

466. Before I forget, I would love to know

467. of any great restaurants in town,

468. if you have any thoughts.

469. I've got a list here that has pretty much every place in town.

470. Oh, great.

471. Make sure you get that back to me.

472. I'll get that, guys.

473. No, I'll help you. Here.

474. You know, it's just— You know?

475. Oh, hi.

476. Hello. Hi.

477. Have we met before?

478. No, not officially.

479. I saw you coming out of the bathroom earlier.

480. Well, I guess I'm gonna go back to my cave.

481. Okay.

482. It was really great meeting you.

483. And that...

484. Is what they call a "meet cute."

485. Hey, funny guy.

486. I'm having a little mid-day lull here.

487. Make me laugh. Huh? What do you got?

488. - Uh... - I can't even look at you.

489. Here we go. Okay.

490. Okay, what do, um, African Americans call the—

491. Uh...

492. - What? - Um.

493. - Deangelo. - Yeah?

494. Did you order a barber?

495. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

496. Come on back here.

497. Put a pin on that. I can't—

498. I can't wait to hear the punch line.

499. Finish the joke, Andy.

500. What do African Americans call?

501. I don't know. Help me.

502. That is so badass.

503. Just so hardcore.

504. Yeah, very cool. Real power move.

505. Yeah.

506. Saw a hawk today.

507. Just sitting right there on the overpass,

508. looking at me.

509. Shave me.

510. Well, this is going to be funny,

511. because it looks like we're gonna be shaving buddies.

512. Okay, all right. I love it.

513. - Ha, ha, ha, ha! - I love it.

514. - Michael, this is Reggie. - Hello.

515. He's the number-one

516. Yelp-reviewed shaver in Scranton.

517. It's not even close.

518. And this is Erin,

519. and she's going to shave my face.

520. Here we go.

521. All right.

522. This is how we do it.

523. - Mmm. - Feels nice, doesn't it?

524. It really does.

525. This is luxury.

526. Here we go.

527. Okay.

528. Oh, that is nice.

529. You wanted to talk to us, Deangelo?

530. Oh, yes, yes. Please cozy up there.

531. I just thought we could have some rap sessions

532. with smaller groups.

533. You know, we don't really do rap sessions.

534. We kind of do— God!

535. We sort of do more of like pow-wows or whatevs.

536. Okay, well, pow-wows then, fine.

537. That's—

538. Hey, Deangelo,

539. my mom just sent me this picture of Cece.

540. It is so adorable.

541. All right, wait, but a little bit of back-story.

542. She loves dogs. She calls them "da-das."

543. - Da-das. - And what happens is—

544. You know what? Enough about your baby, okay?

545. Oh, I'm sorry.

546. - Oh, we were just— - I think she was just trying to—

547. No, no, no. I know what you're doing.

548. Just quit it.

549. I want to hear from the rank and file.

550. How can I be the best manager for you all?

551. You know, what can I do better?

552. Okay, you know what, everybody?

553. There's— You have to be honest here.

554. You—you can't say that everything is perfect, right?

555. So, you know, come up with something.

556. Well, Deangelo, I'd say communication could be improved.

557. People stopped reading memos,

558. so everyone marks them "urgent."

559. Okay, you know what, I mark it

560. urgent "A," urgent "B," urgent "C," urgent "D."

561. Urgent "A" is the most important.

562. Urgent "D" you don't even really have to worry about.

563. Okay, um, Michael, can you stop talking now?

564. I have to do your lips.

565. Don't shave my lips.

566. How about you, Dwight?

567. Yeah, I'm just right by your side, so yeah.

568. Personally, Deangelo, I just want to sit

569. and see how you do things.

570. I'm really excited.

571. There must be something

572. you'd like to see specifically improved.

573. I do think that there is a web of racism and/or jealousy

574. that is trying to keep me down.

575. Okay.

576. This has been very helpful.

577. This is a great start. Props to you.

578. Oh!

579. Deangelo's great. I love the guy.

580. But I'm not sure he's a good fit for the office.

581. And also, I'm not sure if I love the guy.

582. Did we just totally blow it?

583. I don't know, I mean, I get

584. that talking about your kid can be annoying.

585. You know, everybody thinks their kid is the cutest in the world.

586. - Cece really is. - Right?

587. Yeah.

588. We just gotta get her in here.

589. What's up?

590. I don't mean to go off on a rant here, but...

591. I wrote the perfect joke.

592. Topical, edgy.

593. Funny.

594. I saw this thing in the news.

595. Democrats want electric cars.

596. - Republicans don't. - Right.

597. I'm thinkin' how crazy is it

598. that we got a car debate goin' on in a city

599. known for gridlock?

600. Um... let's not talk politics in the office, okay?

601. I like you better as the funny guy.

602. I wasn't taking a— A position.

603. It was just sort of one of those things.

604. Now, that's funny.

605. That's funny.

606. You walk much?

607. Yeah! Right?

608. I mean... ah!

609. Don't mind me, my main Mike.

610. Can I get you just to— Just to scooch?

611. - Just a little bit? - Oh, yes.

612. Of course, my good friend.

613. - There you go. - Oh, thank you.

614. A little bit more, possibly?

615. Just getting over my carpal tunnel.

616. Ah. Okay.

617. - Little bit more of a scooch? - Yeah, if you don't mind.

618. Okay. How's that?

619. I'm not registering much of a scooch.

620. Could be wrong.

621. - Mm. - I could be wrong.

622. That is so like you, because you are wrong.

623. - I'm not perfect. - You are not indeed.

624. Far from it.

625. - Mm-hmm? - Huh?

626. What? You need a little more?

627. - All right. - That's good.

628. - There we go. - Yeah, thank you.

629. Let's just hunt and peck.

630. - Little click. - Mm-hmm.

631. Deangelo, this box came for you.

632. Great! Thank you.

633. That's my stuff.

634. - Oh! - Yeah.

635. Michael, take a look at this.

636. - Need a hand? - Oh, that'd be great.

637. - Thank you. - Hey, you know what?

638. This office sort of has a perfect fung shooey to it,

639. and... you know, let's not go overboard

640. with the redecorating.

641. - I'm still here, so... - Wow!

642. - Right? - Nice.

643. I still have to look at this stuff, guys, so...

644. - So this is a ten-gallon hat? - Yeah, you like that?

645. Ten-gallon hat.

646. Technically, it only holds about three quarts.

647. - Little factoid. - Interesting.

648. No, I've always loved the Southwest.

649. I got a lot of this stuff at home.

650. You know, turquoise and rocks...

651. I need this job, man.

652. Anybody mind if I put up this art right here?

653. - That looks good, right? - I mind.

654. I said, I mind.

655. I heard you. Yeah.

656. Angela, you found my Kokopelli dancer.

657. Yes, it's very festive.

658. Yeah, he's a trickster god.

659. Also associated with fertility, so...

660. First he makes you laugh, then he gets you into bed.

661. This is great. This is great.

662. I love how everybody's personality's so different.

663. Stanley, wow, you've just become

664. a helpful little buttercup, haven't you?

665. Me?

666. You used to be a sassy Eeyore.

667. Yeah, I'm not gonna help anybody with anything.

668. And Oscar. Oscar.

669. Um, no, Michael, I can't help you,

670. because it is not fiduciarily responsible.

671. - I don't sound like that. - You sound exactly like that.

672. I love this. I love change.

673. Change is good. And you know what?

674. I think right now, I'm going to change this supermodel

675. back into Kevin Malone.

676. Oh, there he is!

677. All right, this was just— It was just off.

678. - Thank you, Michael. - You're welcome. That's better.

679. Cool, cool.

680. All right, see you later, girl.

681. Hey, hey, hey.

682. Naw, I'm good. Keep that.

683. Hey, funny man.

684. What you got for me? Make me laugh.

685. Oh...

686. Let's see...

687. Let's see if my favorite tea is in here—

688. Oh, jeez!

689. Aah!

690. Aahhblblblblbl!

691. Oh... oh!

692. Oh!

693. Aah! Aah!

694. Oh... oh...

695. Aah!

696. That's hot coffee!

697. Ow ha ha!

698. Drink some soap.

699. Drink some hand soap.

700. I guess this is my life now.

701. Can you believe that?

702. They're all treating him like he's some sort of god.

703. Like he's "Kokopebli" himself.

704. You know, they used to say that I was the world's best boss.

705. Now you're a lame duck.

706. And Deangelo is a fat cow.

707. He has the same body type you have.

708. You're like body twins.

709. I guess I mean just from how he used to be.

710. What do you mean?

711. I have just come into the possession

712. of a photograph that is very embarrassing

713. and just may change the way you perceive a certain person

714. in this office.

715. What is it?

716. It's a picture of a super fat guy.

717. Yes.

718. I'll say.

719. It's Deangelo.

720. Yes, it is.

721. This is a photograph taken of Deangelo Vickers.

722. And not only is this so-called leader of ours

723. - a giant tub of goo... - Well...

724. He's also not from the Southwest.

725. He's from Maine, which is the worst state there is.

726. I formulate my state rankings

727. by considering percentage of marshland,

728. speed limit, number of technical colleges,

729. then I tally the results, and I stick Maine at the bottom

730. because it sucks!

731. - I just— - I can't get that picture out of my head.

732. This curly-haired idiot used to be so fat.

733. It really is a shame that a person's weight,

734. or their former weight, makes us think less of them.

735. Meh.

736. How do you let yourself go like that?

737. - I don't know. Yeah. - I know, Michael, right?

738. Just jog in place ten seconds a day.

739. That's all it takes.

740. I know.

741. I didn't have ten seconds a day.

742. I was too busy eating.

743. That's okay. Pass it around.

744. Everyone take a look. Creed, you looked at it yet?

745. Yes, but I'll gladly look again.

746. I used to weigh 425 pounds.

747. I was unhappy and unhealthy.

748. I used to go to tapas restaurants

749. and gorge myself on Spanish charcuterie.

750. I mean, let's be honest. Tapas is a cuisine for groups.

751. Not with me.

752. Tapas party of one.

753. Looks like you went over the tapas.

754. With food.

755. One day, I had a long layover in Phoenix.

756. I thought I'd do some sightseeing,

757. and my car broke down in Sedona.

758. I found myself just wandering, delirious with hunger.

759. And I swear to God, I felt an energy.

760. I felt stronger than I'd ever felt before,

761. like I could do anything.

762. Keep in mind, I was naked.

763. But in that moment, I felt like I could change.

764. I made a promise that I would lose 202 pounds within a year.

765. - I just— - I can't get that image out of my head

766. - of what you used to look like— - Shh, Michael, please.

767. - It just— - My friends,

768. my new family,

769. I stand here today— Guess how much weight I lost.

770. 202 pounds?

771. 203. I beat it by one.

772. I beat it by one.

773. And that is why I so firmly believe

774. that this—this extraordinary group of people

775. that I'm looking at

776. has a chance, has an opportunity,

777. to become the greatest office in the world.

778. Because we can change anything we want.

779. I'm living proof.

780. You know what? He's right.

781. If he can lose all that weight,

782. then I can wear fake hair.

783. I am so pumped right now.

784. I feel like a majorette

785. about to march through town square.

786. Thanks for sharing, Deangelo. Amazing.

787. Thank you.

788. And thank me for bringing it up.

789. No, look, I wouldn't see an insult comic

790. if I couldn't take the insults.

791. But I just felt like someone from the club

792. should've intervened once it was clear

793. - he was only gonna insult me— - Gabe, get off the phone.

794. I'm sorry, I have to call you back.

795. Dwight, would you like an Asian candy?

796. I'll take a ginseng.

797. I'll keep this brief.

798. How do I become a manager at Sabre?

799. Well, first things first.

800. Thank you for coming to me directly, you know?

801. I know you could have called Tallahassee,

802. but they would have just looped back to me, so...

803. It's cool you recognize my role here.

804. I left a message at corporate.

805. Uh... there you go.

806. Get a recommendation from Michael.

807. That'll put you right on the short list

808. for next time there's an opening.

809. Can't you just use the recommendation

810. - you already have on file? - What recommendation?

811. From when he recommended me to replace him.

812. Um...

813. - I'm so— - I'm sorry,

814. I never know how to act in these awkward-type situations.

815. Best whale watching.

816. Easily the west coast.

817. If you're gonna go whale watching on the east coast,

818. you might wanna bring a magazine called

819. West Coast Whales.

820. 'cause you're not gonna see 'em.

821. Snack time. It's the witching hour.

822. It is the sandwiching hour.

823. - Awesome. - Mmm. What ya got?

824. PB and J. My mom's recipe.

825. Michael, Deangelo has a peanut allergy.

826. Okay, I need a wide berth.

827. I need a wide berth from those nuts.

828. What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?

829. I think Kevin wants one. Kevin—here ya go!

830. - Oh! - Michael, this is serious.

831. Do you know what happens if Deangelo touches a peanut?

832. - What? - Michael, the last time

833. I was exposed to a peanut,

834. I was itchy for three days, okay?

835. Had to take baths constantly. I missed the OJ verdict.

836. Had to read about it in the paper like an idiot!

837. Wait. So you don't go into like shock or die or anything.

838. No, Jim. Not everything's life and death.

839. I wanna feel comfortable.

840. I almost drove my car up on the curb, all right?

841. 'Cause my right arm was itching

842. so badly the last time it happened.

843. I know what I'm having for dinner.

844. Oscar, here you go.

845. Oh—whoa!

846. You're getting nut particles all in the air!

847. No one had a problem with the air here

848. until you came around.

849. Everyone, mandatory meeting. Multipurpose room, now.

850. No, that's good.

851. - You just stay in there. - Except for Michael.

852. Stay in there by yourself, loser.

853. - Nobody go in. - What?

854. - Nobody go in there. - What?

855. - Stay where you are. - Michael, this is insane.

856. No, it's not insane, Oscar.

857. I've been here for 19 years,

858. and just because someone else is called the boss,

859. you're gonna throw it all away?

860. N-no.

861. Hey.

862. Come on.

863. I mean, is this how you treat a friend, Pam?

864. This isn't about friendship, Michael.

865. It's just about work.

866. Everything's friendship.

867. Listen, I know what you're going through,

868. but you're the one who decided to leave.

869. Come on. He's our new boss.

870. You know we have to do this.

871. Ooh, well. Who needs 'em?

872. Looks like it's just you and me, Dwight.

873. Correction.

874. Just you.

875. All right. Meeting, multifunction room.

876. Hey, Michael. Michael, wait up.

877. Hold up, hold up.

878. Um...

879. So—so for these meetings, do you just—

880. Do you just jump into business,

881. or do you start with some chitchat or...

882. I start with some chitchat

883. and maybe a couple of jokes.

884. And you might wanna develop a couple of characters.

885. Go on, you just— You'll be fine.

886. Maybe. Maybe not.

887. 50/50.

888. - No. - You know,

889. it is too bad for this place that you're leaving.

890. Bring it in. Come on.

891. Bring—

892. Okay.

893. Okay.

894. Why did you have to be so damn good?

895. I... I'm adequate.

896. I-I'm half as good as you.

897. - No, no, no. - Oh, come on.

898. You are good. They know it.

899. Come on.

900. I just didn't expect you to get there so fast.

901. Would you do me a favor and enjoy this time, okay?

902. You've worked so hard.

903. Get your senioritis on. It's Lake Havasu time.

904. Guess I been working so hard, I...

905. Forgot what it's like to be hardly working.

906. I can feel your heart beat.

907. I can feel yours.

908. Feels good.

909. Does feel good.

910. Um, something I never told you.

911. Adventure Pals, it was based on us.

912. I know.

913. Okay.

914. What is the... Native American girl's name?

915. You'll figure it out.

916. Thank you, Dwight.

917. - Um... - Listen up!

918. All right.

919. Hey, Deangelo.

920. Wanna meet Cece?

921. That's a cute baby.

922. Very cute baby.

923. Adorable. Very cute.

924. Thank you very much.

925. I'm sorry, I should get back to work.

926. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Okay.

927. - Thank you so much. - Say bye-bye!

928. - Say bye! - Bye!

929. See? We knew it.

930. If he just met her, he'd understand.

931. We're back in. Huh.

932. - Huh! - Right?

933. I'm telling you, that baby could be

934. the star of a show called Babies I Don't Care About.

935. No, I don't actually have kids.

936. I just say that I do

937. because it gives the impression of stability.

938. I actually hate babies.

939. Hey, congratulations.

940. You had unprotected sex.

941. What an odd society we live in.