The Office 7x2

1. Wow.

2. Late every day this week.

3. We signed Cece up for this daycare,

4. and it's on the other side of town.

5. The traffic—

6. Why didn't I think of this before?

7. Did you know that there is a daycare center

8. opening right here in this building?

9. Is there really?

10. Now that I own the building,

11. I'm looking for new sources of revenue.

12. And a daycare center?

13. Well, I guess it's not an evil idea,

14. it's just a regular idea, but there's no

15. good laugh for a regular idea.

16. Welcome to the Sesame Avenue daycare center

17. for infants and toddlers.

18. - Aah! - Whoa!

19. You remember my cousin Mose?

20. Welcome, children.

21. Were you painting in the dark?

22. Wait, is this your place, Dwight?

23. Oh, no, no, I like to think of it as the kids' place.

24. Would you like a tour?

25. I don't think we really need—

26. Oh, let's take the tour, Pam.

27. - Yeah. - Come on.

28. Here is the language skills

29. and cognitive development area.

30. These are English, uh, letters.

31. I see you found our magical toy box, Jim.

32. These are actually forks and knives from the break room.

33. Jim, to you and me, maybe. But, come on.

34. To a child's imagination that's Mr. Fork,

35. and Lieutenant Knife, and Miss Fork.

36. And a soy sauce packet.

37. Oh.

38. That shouldn't have been in there.

39. I'm embarrassed.

40. Don't beat yourself up.

41. We come fully equipped with a restroom,

42. feeding trough, play bucket,

43. and room for a plant, in success.

44. Who will be watching the children?

45. No one. The door locks from the outside.

46. Escape is impossible.

47. Prove it.

48. - What... no. - We're gonna head outside.

49. Just give it a whirl.

50. I just wanna see how it works.

51. - Oh, no, no, no— - I— - But I'll tell you this.

52. If this works out,

53. I think we're looking real good.

54. I promise you, that door locks.

55. That's a great option.

56. I think it's the option right now.

57. - We're locked in. - Frontrunner.

58. - I mean, it's so much closer. - See that?

59. Cannot get out.

60. - Got everything we need. - Jim?

61. What's something you did that—

62. This is the worst!

63. You are the worst. I hate looking at your face.

64. I wanna smash it!

65. Okay, you know what? I made a mistake.

66. I committed corporate punishment.

67. My bad.

68. It's over, it's done.

69. But, my punishment is, um,

70. worse than hell.

71. Michael's been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling

72. with a trained professional.

73. I actually have a degree in social work.

74. I mean, I know a lot of people

75. would just ask a few standard questions

76. and tick off a few boxes,

77. but I've got a chance to do some good here.

78. I know what you wanna ask me.

79. "Did your mom ever see you naked?"

80. We can do this with more privacy.

81. So you can molest me?

82. Okay. I don't think so.

83. We're gonna leave the blinds open

84. so everybody can see what a big failure you are.

85. That's the key.

86. Boycott the Steamtown Mall!

87. Everyone, you heard me.

88. Cancel all your business with the Steamtown Mall!

89. The mall itself, or the stores in the mall?

90. All of it!

91. The mall, the stores, the kiosks.

92. America's one big mall.

93. Did something happen, Dwight?

94. Yeah, something happened. Oh, yeah.

95. Something happened, Jim.

96. Well, tell us what it is.

97. I mean, it might help to get some context

98. so we can get on board.

99. You don't wanna know.

100. I'd like you to imagine a place

101. where you feel very peaceful.

102. For me, it's the walk from the yogurt shop

103. to my car, after I drop

104. my daughter off on Sunday afternoons.

105. I'm glad Michael's getting help.

106. He has a lot of issues, and he's stupid.

107. Michael isn't complex enough to need therapy.

108. Can't someone just calmly explain

109. to him what's wrong with him?

110. It is high time, high time.

111. Talking about how many feelings you have

112. is a form of bragging.

113. We get it. You have a lot of feelings.

114. Whoop-dee-doo.

115. Look, I'm not gonna tell you

116. that we have lower prices.

117. Is price something that is important to you?

118. Okay, well, let me know if anything changes.

119. Pam?

120. I can't do this.

121. I don't have this sales gene or whatever it is.

122. Tell me everything's gonna be okay.

123. Everything's gonna be okay.

124. Tell me I'm good at sales.

125. You're... you're good... You're good at sales.

126. The unfair thing about working in sales

127. is that your salary is almost all commission.

128. So if you suck at sales,

129. you make almost no money.

130. I guess that's fair.

131. - Dwight. - What?

132. Did you call all my clients at the mall

133. and cancel all my business

134. while using the F word?

135. Yes, I did.

136. And I'm gonna do the same with all of your clients.

137. No, you will not.

138. Oh, yes, I will. That mall is corrupt.

139. Okay, they're appearancists!

140. Okay, Dwight, we can't do that.

141. So why don't you just tell us what happened?

142. Yeah. What happened, Dwight?

143. Okay?

144. You guys know me, you know that I'm...

145. Not one for fancy things.

146. But there was this one thing.

147. It was in a fancy store,

148. and it caught the corner of my eye

149. when I took Mose down to the mall

150. to get his blood pressure at the Rite Aid.

151. And I thought, you know,

152. maybe I deserve this.

153. You know, I had a great crop yield this fall.

154. So what happened?

155. I went to the store and I pressed the buzzer,

156. and they looked right at me, and then they looked away.

157. And then I pressed the buzzer again,

158. and they started taking pictures of me

159. with their mobile phones.

160. I guess I'm not the kind of guy that's good enough

161. for precious heirlooms.

162. You know what, Dwight?

163. You need to go back there, and you need to

164. Pretty Woman their asses.

165. We should start our own mall.

166. - Yeah! - Wait, wait, wait.

167. Actually, that's a really good idea, Kelly.

168. What did I say?

169. I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.

170. Dwight, how about this?

171. Instead of a boycott,

172. you and I, together, go down to that store

173. and we teach those snobs a lesson.

174. No, you and I... and I.

175. - I'm gonna come with you. - Okay.

176. Good. All right.

177. Did you assume that I would automatically side

178. with the rich, snobby shop owner?

179. How about now?

180. How about now?

181. How about now?

182. How about now?

183. Uh, what's your favorite flavor of—

184. - One hour. - What?

185. One hour. We've done one hour.

186. Let's just speed this up.

187. Okay, keep it moving.

188. I wanna do all six hours today.

189. Look, I can't count the hour if you don't talk.

190. No, no, no... no.

191. I know my rights, all I had to do

192. is sit here for six hours.

193. Do my time.

194. Michael, it's up to me to check off the boxes,

195. and I can't do that unless I honestly—

196. Do you have any idea how angry that is making me?

197. Tell me.

198. I think we might be about to maybe really get somewhere.

199. Yes, I will. I will talk all right.

200. Be careful what you wish for, Toby.

201. Apparently, there is a famous Hollywood movie

202. from the 1980s— Beautiful Girl.

203. Pretty Woman.

204. - Um, apparently... - Pretty Woman.

205. It's one of the best revenge stories of all times

206. in which this sex worker, who is the protagonist—

207. That can't be right.

208. - Andy, how does it— - No, no, no.

209. - What? - I wanna hear you tell it.

210. Okay, um, the sex worker is denied service

211. at a fancy store because she does not look wealthy.

212. She later returns, dressed in all the trappings

213. of extravagant wealth, but instead of shopping—

214. Julia Roberts goes in the store, and she's like,

215. "I was in here yesterday, and you people wouldn't help me."

216. And the shopgirl goes, "oh."

217. And then Julia Roberts goes,

218. "You girls work on commission, right?"

219. And the girl's like, "Yeah."

220. And Julia Roberts goes—

221. "Big mistake. Huge."

222. I was telling— I was telling that.

223. How many paper supplies and ink cartridges to go with that?

224. Okay, sure.

225. Who can I speak to in this office

226. about saving on window treatments?

227. I don't know.

228. Is one of you the office administrator?

229. I am.

230. I'm the office administrator!

231. Can I show you a few samples?

232. Uh, we're not interested.

233. We're not interested at all.

234. There are a few ways to get promoted.

235. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it.

236. That's the main way.

237. But this could work.

238. Toby, can I really tell you anything?

239. Of course.

240. Well, the other night,

241. when I was sitting at the table,

242. eating my penis— I mean peas.

243. That was weird.

244. - All right. - That's weird.

245. I think it all stems

246. from the fact that I was...

247. I was probed.

248. By an alien life force.

249. An A.L.F.

250. Alf.

251. You know, I might have actually

252. been probed by Alf.

253. You might think he's a puppet.

254. You never see the lower half,

255. but there's a lower half.

256. Office administrator.

257. So when did this happen?

258. A few months ago.

259. I was talking to someone at corporate.

260. - Mm-hmm. - Who isn't there anymore.

261. And I think the paperwork just got lost in the shuffle.

262. Can you believe that?

263. Typical... yeah, totally. Well, congrats.

264. Thanks, yeah.

265. - So I'm— - I'm just gonna take care of stuff around the office

266. and get paid a reasonable salary.

267. - We need that, right? - Totally, that's great.

268. - I get paid 40,000 a year. - Great.

269. - Maybe 50,000. - 50,000!

270. No, not 50,000.

271. 41,000, I think.

272. - 41,000. - 41,500.

273. That's great.

274. Before me stands your coworker,

275. Dwight Kurt Schrute.

276. Dwight, show them all sides. Turn around.

277. Now, today we need your help

278. turning Dwight into a gentleman.

279. A gentleman, who is a rich snob.

280. Who will go into shopping malls

281. and drop huge amounts of cash on clothes.

282. I will learn all of the conventions.

283. I will adopt them as my own.

284. I will use the coded mannerisms and accepted customs

285. of the elite to breach their inner sanctum

286. and bring them down in a wave of their own regret.

287. I will be kind, only to be cruel.

288. Is he still doing his boycott?

289. No, no, this is instead of the boycott. Yeah.

290. Your shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo.

291. - Agreed. - Really?

292. Maybe something not so monochromatic.

293. Not so matching.

294. Wait, less matching to appear more rich?

295. The glasses are a little...

296. I liked them.

297. I thought they were kind of cute.

298. Yeah, I liked them too.

299. I can't see.

300. Say stuff like, "good morning, good afternoon."

301. People appreciate that.

302. Wait, I see you every day. Can I say, "good month?"

303. I'm telling you how to do this, man.

304. If someone offers you a cocktail,

305. accept, but keep your wits about you.

306. Okay.

307. Please and thank you go a long way.

308. Copy. Thank you.

309. Thank you.

310. Please.

311. I think he's got it.

312. You need to trim your fingernails.

313. How am I gonna pick the food out of my teeth?

314. - Well, you don't do that. - Don't do that.

315. Well—

316. And I was raised by wolves.

317. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being.

318. Wait, is it a full moon tonight?

319. Come on, Michael. These are all fake stories.

320. Yes, yes, they are all fake stories.

321. What sort of twisted mind

322. would come up with weird stories like that?

323. Three hours. We're halfway done.

324. How?

325. Hey, do you have a second?

326. - Yeah. - Well, as I'm sure you know,

327. for the past few months,

328. I've been the office administrator,

329. since right before you guys took over.

330. Right, of course.

331. And I haven't gotten paid yet.

332. I'm not blaming you.

333. Thank you so much.

334. I just think somebody lost the paperwork.

335. Oh, boy.

336. Can you get every department head's signature on this,

337. so I can back this up to corporate?

338. Yes, absolutely, right away.

339. So this will be like a three-piece suit?

340. Yeah.

341. Or a two-piece suit with a vest.

342. Also very classy.

343. We are getting close.

344. Take good care of this. It belonged to a museum.

345. Here you go.

346. Ew—kay.

347. And—

348. Very nice. Say thank you.

349. - Jim. - Say it.

350. - Thank you. - You're welcome.

351. So I'm dreaming that I'm running,

352. and I'm running, and the monster's about to get me,

353. and I get to a door, and I try the doorknob,

354. and it's locked.

355. The monster's about to get me, and then I wake up.

356. Wow, maybe the monster—

357. And then I look down at my shoes,

358. and they are covered in mud.

359. And I look in the mirror,

360. and there's scratches on my face.

361. Was it a dream?

362. I don't know. It's really scary.

363. What does it mean, doctor?

364. Pretty scary story, huh, Toby?

365. Good luck falling asleep tonight.

366. You know what, Michael?

367. You're right. You win.

368. This is pointless. We're not getting anywhere.

369. I got a bunch of fun stuff,

370. in case my daughter ever comes over.

371. Why don't we just run out the clock

372. by playing games, drawing some pictures, talking?

373. We present to you, for your final comments

374. and approval, Dwight K. Schrute.

375. Go get 'em, Dwight.

376. Wish us luck.

377. Thank you.

378. Dwight.

379. Ooh, all done.

380. Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful

381. and you don't ever get to see your pictures.

382. If it's an important event that you want to remember,

383. I recommend using a real camera.

384. But I don't care if I forget today.

385. We could play something more complicated if you'd like.

386. This is plenty complicated.

387. So you've played it before?

388. I played it once or twice with Jeff.

389. Who's Jeff?

390. Jeff was my mother's boyfriend,

391. who she married.

392. So her husband and your stepdad.

393. Yeah.

394. Yeah, I guess I never thought of it that way, though.

395. Did you guys do much stuff together?

396. Yeah, you know what,

397. he took me to a baseball game once, I remember.

398. It was weird, though; they took the pitcher

399. out of the game, and I felt really bad

400. because the pitcher wasn't going to be able to play

401. with his friends anymore.

402. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move

403. by taking the pitcher out.

404. He really respected the manager.

405. Do you mind if I take a move back?

406. - No. - Okay, thanks.

407. Ahem.

408. - What? - My place, tonight.

409. - Wear this. - Do you have your card?

410. Yes.

411. Don't forget the pipe.

412. - And that's the office, huh? - Mm-hmm.

413. Look at that.

414. Angela's cat.

415. Why's Angela taller than Dwight?

416. Right, oh.

417. I wonder why he feels like that.

418. It's working.

419. I'm doing it.

420. It's really sad that your dog ran away,

421. but why did it keep you from going to the park?

422. I was afraid I would find him

423. in the park playing with another kid.

424. Why?

425. I guess that's why I thought

426. he ran away in the first place—

427. To find a kid he liked better.

428. - Dogs don't do that. - Right?

429. - Why would a dog do that? - I don't know.

430. When I hear myself say it, it just sounds ridiculous.

431. But I never said it out loud, so...

432. It's very important for you

433. to be liked, isn't it?

434. Well, let's not get too—

435. This isn't a counseling session.

436. Okay.

437. You son of a gun.

438. You son of a bitch.

439. Wow, okay.

440. I'm just trying to help you, Michael.

441. - You bitch, god! - Michael.

442. You're very helpful, aren't you?

443. - I'm trying to— - You try to help everybody.

444. Do you wanna play another game?

445. - I just wanna— - You are good.

446. But you know what? You can't help people.

447. You couldn't help your marriage.

448. - Hey. - Lose, you lose.

449. I don't need your help. Nobody needs your help.

450. Nobody wants it! You can't help anybody.

451. I don't need your help!

452. Am I gonna make you cry?

453. Just fill them out any way you want.

454. Okay.

455. Have Erin fax them back to corporate.

456. Will do.

457. Okay, filled out... good.

458. Thank you, doctor, take two of these

459. and call me in the morning.

460. Hey, Michael?

461. Um, about three months ago,

462. I was talking—

463. Tell me, Michael. Tell me your secrets.

464. Tell me, I'll make sure it's not that—

465. Hey, Toby, sorry to interrupt.

466. I need to—

467. Thanks.

468. There are a lot of one-person departments here,

469. so there's a lot of department heads.

470. But I'm off to a good start.

471. Oh, man, if I can pull this off,

472. it will be the scam of all scams.

473. And yet, very helpful to everyone.

474. So no one's into this Mongolian place but me,

475. is that it?

476. You can go wherever you want.

477. That's the beauty of the food court.

478. Okay, but we're definitely all getting the same

479. thing for dessert.

480. - Revenge. - Ice cream.

481. Revenge.

482. Oh.

483. I love dogs.

484. And cats and animals, but dogs are—

485. Dogs will love you no matter what.

486. Right?

487. Or do they?

488. That's—either way.

489. The only dog I like is Brian

490. from "Family Guy."

491. He talks funny.

492. Okay, but real dogs is what I'm talking about.

493. Did you guys ever have a real dog growing up?

494. Oscar, you had a chihuahua, right?

495. Why would you say that?

496. Two reasons.

497. Not important. I had a dog.

498. We didn't have dogs, Michael.

499. So there's no common ground for this conversation.

500. - But just imagine if you— - Yeah, hey.

501. - No common ground. - Okay.

502. At that moment, I didn't want to talk about dogs.

503. Right, but at a different time,

504. maybe it would have gone a different way.

505. So corporate got your evaluations,

506. and they wanted me to double-check—

507. Is that really how you feel about Michael's situation?

508. Yes.

509. That is not how he seemed to me.

510. I thought he seemed fine.

511. You marked "severe" in all the categories,

512. including "at risk for homicidal behavior."

513. I saw a TLC show on Kate Walsh's home office.

514. - All cork board. - We can do that.

515. - Right here? - Easily.

516. I'm back. Pam, perfect.

517. I was hoping to talk to the office administrator

518. about a little office administration problem.

519. - But of course. - Okay, great.

520. The problem, unfortunately, is about the office administrator.

521. I have gone through everything from the past three years.

522. There is nothing that says that you're office administrator.

523. So weird that there's no paperwork.

524. At all.

525. Although, like, unlikely things happen all the time.

526. My best friend in high school, she went to Australia—

527. Kember, I think—and she met this guy who lived

528. only two streets away from her in America.

529. Pam, I don't want to accuse you of anything.

530. I just want everything to be back the way it's

531. supposed to be.

532. Can you just admit—

533. Admit—

534. - Admit what? - I don't want to say it.

535. - Say it. - Mm-mm.

536. Say that I'm lying. Or say I have the job.

537. Make a definitive statement, Gabe.

538. Statements of such a nature, while they have their place,

539. are overused in a competitive business environment.

540. Great, well, let me know if you need a new chair

541. or anything that an office administrator can handle.

542. Will do.

543. Could I get one of those nameplates?

544. Says Gabe Lewis.

545. For sure. Anything else?

546. I'll get it right away.

547. The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 a.m.,

548. you play the opponent, not the cards.

549. Is that it?

550. Yes, thank you.

551. All right, man.

552. - This is your big moment. - Yes.

553. Get psyched.

554. - It is a classy store. - Yes.

555. Hold on.

556. Thank you.

557. Well, gentlemen.

558. Revenge, like borscht,

559. is a dish best served lukewarm.

560. I don't know how they didn't let you in.

561. There he is.

562. You know all your lines, right?

563. Oh, yeah, they're messing with the wrong farm boy.

564. Is that what we're here for?

565. A crystal wizard. I like it.

566. It's a pewter wizard holding a crystal.

567. Wait a second.

568. You know you can't buy that now, right?

569. I can come back and get it for you later,

570. but I'm saying right now, we can't do that.

571. Right.

572. 'Cause I'm here for one thing: Revenge.

573. - That's it. - Okay.

574. Let me know if I can help you with anything.

575. How about we talk to you when we're ready.

576. Okay? Great.

577. Now's your chance.

578. Show him who you really are—

579. Pretending to be.

580. - Excuse me, sir. - Yes?

581. I was here yesterday, and you refused to wait on me.

582. I remember, yes.

583. I'm terribly sorry about what happened.

584. You work on commission, don't you?

585. - Stop, stop. - No.

586. Hold on one second—did you just say you remember him?

587. Of course.

588. But, uh, he looks much less threatening now.

589. - What does that mean? - We had a safety concern.

590. We very politely indicated that he'd be welcomed back—

591. Good morning.

592. If he were in accordance with our dress policy.

593. - What? - But the bloodstained hands...

594. It was beet juice.

595. I'm a beet farmer, id—

596. - I'm very sorry. - Good sir.

597. I happened to have been working a very long day that day,

598. when I came to your fine estab—

599. You are so— I'm gonna—

600. Okay, listen, you can't treat—

601. Thank you. Good morning, sir!

602. Okay.

603. You made a big mistake! Huge!

604. There it is. All right.

605. Ha.

606. - That was pretty good. - Thank you. Please, after you.

607. I'll take the wizard.

608. Uh, okay.

609. It wasn't really about the wizard in the end.

610. It was about, if a certain type of person can,

611. in some small way, with some help,

612. and a lot of motivation, become a little bit more normal.

613. The answer may be no.

614. Are you—is that—

615. What are you doing?

616. It's my crystal now, wizard.

617. Ha!

618. I wanted the crystal, not the wizard.

619. Why would I want that wizard? Did you see it?

620. Oh, my god, he was so tacky.

621. Pewter? Please.

622. But this crystal—

623. Magnificent.

624. What an odd

625. and sweet waste of the day.

626. You forged them. You forged the forms.

627. You filled them in and faxed them yourself.

628. - Yes. - You remember that.

629. Yes, but you had me so worked up

630. that I made a mistake.

631. Unless a part of you made that mistake on purpose.

632. You don't make a mistake on purpose, Toby.

633. Then it's no longer a mistake.

634. Gabe. He messed it up.

635. He messed up the forms, I bet.

636. I wanna mess everything up

637. so I can fix it and keep my job.

638. Good thing I'm here, 'cause I do nothing.

639. I make everybody nervous. Aah!

640. Okay.

641. That's your notebook? All right.

642. All right. Let's bang this out.

643. Let's do it to it.

644. I have fears that I come into work,

645. and I'm the only one here.

646. And it is a relief to see other people's faces.

647. Also, I like to drive.

648. I like to be the one driving the car because I think

649. that people are gonna forget to pick me up.

650. Can you imagine that, people forgetting me?

651. Oh, let's see. What else?

652. I don't even know how I come up with this stuff.

653. Poor Toby.

654. What an idiot.

655. Man, therapy sounds amazing.

656. If I had enough money, I would totally go to therapy.

657. It's talking and talking and talking for an hour

658. and no one stops you, and they have to listen.

659. Well, I would love to be a therapist.

660. Just sit there saying, uh-huh,

661. uh-huh.

662. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

663. Give me $200.

664. Psychiatrists tend to be more crazy than their patients.

665. Therapists are whores.

666. Psychiatry is a narcissism machine.

667. I learned more from Dr. Seuss than Dr. Freud.

668. Earth.

669. You don't have to be crazy to live here, but it helps.

670. I don't know, just use the best one.