The Office 7x17

Directed by Randall Einhorn

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Traveling salesman Todd Packer comes to Dunder Mifflin looking for a desk job in the office. However, the office is unsure if they want him to work there due to his previous behavior. After dealing with computer problems, Andy confronts office administrator Pam to get a new computer.

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1. I got a delivery for you.

2. Leave it at reception.

3. I'm supposed to deliver this one in person.

4. Clean up on aisle five.

5. After three years of writing, one year of shooting,

6. four years of reshooting, and two years of editing,

7. I have finally completed my movie,

8. threat level midnight.

9. Erin, how was your weekend?

10. Just terrible. The worst.

11. See any movies?

12. - Erin, Erin... - Yes?

13. - What are you doing? - Guys...

14. Did you guys know that our own Michael Scott

15. has made a movie

16. and that he maybe will let us watch it,

17. but only if everybody's dying to see it?

18. - That's— - well, don't put words in my mouth.

19. Threat level midnight

20. is the great lost film of Michael Scott.

21. We're all in it, from, like, years and years ago.

22. It's like a home movie.

23. Yeah, if Michael Scott did your home movie.

24. Michael screened a work in progress for us years ago,

25. and it didn't go well.

26. We thought it was a comedy.

27. Everything pointed to it being a comedy.

28. Yep.

29. We'd love to see it.

30. If everyone finishes their work first.

31. Sweet. I will go invite Holly.

32. Okay, everyone, I know we're really excited

33. to see this movie that everybody's in,

34. but we have to remember that Michael is sensitive.

35. So let's stay positive.

36. And no laughing, no comments, just positive energy,

37. and we'll have a pure fun day, okay?

38. Thanks, mom.

39. You never told me you made a movie.

40. Mm-hmm. It's got action. It's got heart.

41. It's got symbolism.

42. - It's got you? - It's got a lot of me.

43. I can't wait.

44. Ladies and gentlemen, threat level midnight.

45. Tuna!

46. Yeah!

47. Michael Scarn?

48. Well, that is an interesting story.

49. He was once the best secret agent in the business.

50. That was years ago.

51. Where is he now?

52. Well, that's also an interesting story.

53. Master Scarn.

54. Master Scarn!

55. I play Samuel, Michael Scarn's robot Butler.

56. I wanted Samuel's voice...

57. To be like this.

58. But Michael thought that Samuel should be

59. a very advanced Android,

60. almost indistinguishable from a real person.

61. Dwight does not play a robot.

62. - I'm up. - It's the president.

63. - He needs you for a mission. - Tell him I'm retired.

64. It's goldenface. The man who killed...

65. Don't say her name.

66. Goldenface...

67. This makes it personal.

68. Scarn, you're right on time.

69. Hail to the chief.

70. I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it would be

71. good for my daughter to see a black man as president,

72. even in a silly home movie.

73. What a stupid waste of time.

74. It's your old enemy, goldenface.

75. He's after the NHL all-star game.

76. He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium.

77. Scarn...

78. This one is personal for me.

79. I own the stadium. I can't see it blown up.

80. It's my retirement plan.

81. We have to search the stadium.

82. Not so fast. Goldenface has taken

83. all of the concession-stand workers hostage.

84. Scarn, will you find these hostages and save the game?

85. Heads I do it, tails I don't.

86. Best out of seven.

87. Heads.

88. Tails.

89. Heads.

90. Tails.

91. Heads.

92. Tails.

93. Looks like there's gonna be a clean-up on aisle five.

94. Well, the hostages were scared.

95. Don't you guys get it? Nobody's coming for us.

96. Oh, someone's coming, all right.

97. The only man who would care, Michael Scarn.

98. I originally wanted David Wallace to play goldenface.

99. But he had to turn it down because it wouldn't look good

100. to people at corporate.

101. I should've said yes.

102. We all take ourselves too seriously in the moment.

103. We think everybody's watching us and judging us.

104. But in reality, nobody gives a damn what you do.

105. They're all too caught up in their own bull.

106. Life is short. Just do what you want to do.

107. See, I'm gonna lure him here. Then I'm gonna kill everybody.

108. Then I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife,

109. and I'm gonna hump her real good.

110. I did not love the dialogue...

111. Or the character.

112. I took the role to impress a receptionist

113. who will remain nameless.

114. But right now I'm gonna go do some drugs.

115. So don't try anything.

116. I did do my own makeup though.

117. We need to choose a leader.

118. Someone who's tough enough to take on goldenface.

119. I could be the leader.

120. What makes you so tough?

121. I have experience as a leader, a negotiator,

122. a general, and a cop.

123. In other words, I'm a mom.

124. It'll be Sandra.

125. Listen.

126. Ow.

127. It doesn't matter who's leader.

128. It's every man for themself down here

129. and there is only one way out

130. and it is through that door.

131. Oh!

132. Those drugs really hit the spot.

133. So have you guys chosen a leader yet?

134. Gulp!

135. Well, the all-star game was three days away

136. so naturally it was all sold out.

137. The only way Scarn was getting in was in a uniform.

138. Just one problem with that.

139. Scarn didn't know a hockey stick from a slim Jim.

140. So he went to meet with the famed trainer, cherokee Jack.

141. Mop the ice.

142. I'm not here to learn how to mop,

143. I'm here to learn how to play hockey.

144. Mop it.

145. Yeah, come on. Come on.

146. What am I supposed to do with this?

147. Well, Michael Scarn was quickly becoming

148. one of the hottest hockey players in the country.

149. Each year the national hockey league

150. accepts one civilian amateur to play in the all-star game.

151. It's down to the three of you.

152. The final test is speed skating.

153. On your marks...

154. Get set...

155. Die.

156. Nice try, goldenface,

157. to kill me.

158. Oh, I wasn't trying to kill you.

159. I was trying to slow you down.

160. No!

161. - Oh, by the way... - Yeah?

162. How's your wife doing?

163. Congratulations.

164. Hey, you came in second. Not bad either, champ.

165. I am so sorry I have to do this.

166. Shh! Shh, shh!

167. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

168. I'm intercepting a name...

169. Jasmine windsong.

170. She works for goldenface.

171. But what I can't figure out is, who is the funky cat?

172. Not who, what.

173. The funky cat is the hippest jazz club in town.

174. Oh! Oh, n—

175. he cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned?

176. Then what was the point of spilling the drink on me?

177. Jasmine windsong?

178. - I'm a man. - Oh.

179. Bingo.

180. He finished his movie? No kidding.

181. Wow. That's great.

182. Yeah, good for him.

183. I also hear that he has a very serious girlfriend.

184. That is so, so great.

185. And I'm great too.

186. Great.

187. Beat it, turd.

188. Thanks, mister.

189. So you are Jasmine windsong.

190. Sorry, I don't sign autographs.

191. Where are you from?

192. Little place called Scranton, Pennsylvania.

193. - Whoo! - I'm looking for some people.

194. I don't know about any hostages.

195. Who said that they were hostages?

196. Stranger, I don't know what you're talking about.

197. Michael knew that the only way

198. to get Jasmine to tell him where the hostages were

199. was to make her fall in love with him.

200. And the only way to do that was to be himself.

201. Ooh!

202. Yeah.

203. Check, please.

204. This is actually a pretty good plot.

205. Shh.

206. - No, I'm serious. The way— - you sound sarcastic.

207. I know you mean it but it comes off sarcastic.

208. You have to let us go, goldenface.

209. We have families.

210. Ha, this is gonna show them...

211. That I mean business.

212. See ya.

213. Far and away the most expensive shot of the movie,

214. but it was "intregral" to the story.

215. Ha!

216. It's Scarn!

217. Sorry about your friend, Scarn.

218. The joke's on you, goldenface.

219. That man was a wanted animal rapist.

220. We've searched the whole building, goldenface.

221. - Where is the bomb? - Hmm?

222. We've searched the whole building, goldenface.

223. - Where is the bomb? - Hmm?

224. - We've searched the— - okay.

225. He said, "where is the bomb?"

226. In the puck.

227. But why are you telling me this?

228. Because I'm going to kill you.

229. Unless you forgive me for murdering your wife.

230. - Hey, goldenface. - Yeah?

231. Go puck yourself.

232. No!

233. That was not scripted.

234. More Tylenol.

235. You've already had four.

236. Oh, god!

237. So good.

238. You're lucky to be alive.

239. It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs,

240. heart, back, and balls to kill Michael Scarn.

241. Let's just make sure that everything's...

242. Working properly.

243. You just said the bomb is in the puck?

244. Yes.

245. Is that where you hid the bomb, goldenface?

246. But why would you blow up the stadium?

247. You own the stadium.

248. For the insurance money. I knew it all along.

249. You will never get away with this.

250. Who do you think the people will believe,

251. the president of the United States

252. or this man?

253. - No. No. - No!

254. No.

255. It wasn't like that at all!

256. Now's your chance. Go talk to goldenface.

257. - See what you can do. - Okay.

258. Hey, goldenface. Can I ask you a question?

259. I mean, since we're all gonna die here anyway.

260. - Why is your face gold? - Why do you care?

261. I'm just making conversation.

262. I worked in a gold factory.

263. We had a boss who only cared about money.

264. He wouldn't give us lunch breaks so we had to...

265. Eat the gold.

266. And then one day,

267. I looked in the mirror and...

268. Well, I guess you are what you eat.

269. - Oh... - Goldenface, that is so sad.

270. Well, I just thought

271. if I could blow up all the all-star games,

272. all the trophies would explode all over the place

273. and then everyone would be gold just like me.

274. Please let us go, goldenface!

275. So sad.

276. Where had I gone wrong?

277. All I wanted was to start a family

278. with my beautiful wife.

279. But somewhere along the way, things got messed up.

280. It wasn't easy for Scarn to admit

281. that he'd lost his self-confidence.

282. And he hadn't, of course.

283. He just wasn't using it right now.

284. Mike!

285. Beer me, Billy.

286. You don't look so good. What's got you down?

287. I got problems, Billy, big problems.

288. You got problems? My TV don't work.

289. I pay 30 bucks a month for the damn satellite "whatsahoozit."

290. Can't even get the damn game.

291. Now, you tell me, what's worse than that?

292. Don't ever change, Billy.

293. Goldenface is going to

294. blow up the NHL all-star game tomorrow.

295. I see what you mean about problems.

296. I know what'll cheer you up.

297. That table of bachelorettes over there

298. bought you this drink.

299. - Hey. - Hello.

300. Who ordered the man burger well done?

301. Hey, hot stuff. One last fling?

302. Come and ride the choo-choo.

303. The sex choo-choo.

304. Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby?

305. Why are you singling my line out,

306. like, a million years later?

307. The whole movie was ridiculous as I remember it.

308. - Can I see it? - No.

309. Is your ex in it?

310. The one who came out after you dated?

311. - I— - I don't want to talk about this.

312. Let's go. Come on.

313. Not today.

314. I'm too depressed to save the big game, Billy.

315. I'm gonna cheer you up the only ways I know hows.

316. Hey, kid...

317. Hit g-9 on the jukebox.

318. No, Billy, I haven't done that dance since my wife died.

319. There's a whole crowd of people out there

320. who need to learn how to do the Scarn.

321. The scarn?

322. Sounds gay.

323. It is gay.

324. And straight.

325. And black and white.

326. And young and old.

327. And cool. Check it.

328. Shh. Stop.

329. I'm sorry.

330. If doing the scarn is gay,

331. then I'm the biggest queer on earth!

332. You guys, I think I have...

333. - Sorry. I'm really sorry. - My self-confidence back.

334. - Hey, hey. - Michael!

335. Michael, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.

336. I think I was just relieved

337. to see that Michael Scarn got his confidence back.

338. Yeah, Michael, the movie's amazing.

339. It's, like, one of the best movies

340. I've ever seen in my life.

341. You should enter it in festivals.

342. - Or carnivals. - Yeah.

343. Well, that's a pretty good reaction.

344. - That's pretty cool, right? - Mm, mm-hmm.

345. And that dance is pretty cool.

346. It could be the next Macarena.

347. - Right? - Mm.

348. Did you like it? Did you like that?

349. Which part?

350. Okay.

351. - All right. - Oh, come on.

352. - No. - Michael.

353. - No, come on! - We have to see the end.

354. No, it's not good enough. It's not good enough.

355. Some people are really popping on-screen.

356. I know when Holly loves something. I can see it.

357. Her face gets red, she talks with a weird little accent,

358. and she says "I ruv it."

359. It's just those subtle little things

360. that only a boyfriend can tell.

361. - Hey. - Hey.

362. - Good movie. - Mm, good?

363. Everybody out there says it's great.

364. - I loved it. - Did you?

365. - What did you love about it? - Um...

366. I loved that you got to work together with all your friends.

367. - Mm-hmm. - Isn't that so great

368. when you can all work together like that?

369. No, no. Holly, this isn't ocean's eleven,

370. where you get together with all your friends,

371. and you just have fun, and you don't care

372. about how it turns out.

373. What'd you really think, honestly?

374. Um...

375. I knew it.

376. It's because of my ex-girlfriends.

377. I'm sorry.

378. - Um... - Okay, I'll cgi them out.

379. - It'll be expensive but— - no, no. They were good.

380. They were really good.

381. - Is it— - is it because you're afraid of

382. where this is gonna take me?

383. Because, see, I need you to keep me grounded.

384. I'm not worried about that.

385. This is 11 years, okay?

386. This has been my dream for 11 years...

387. And if you don't think it's great,

388. then you're basically saying you don't believe in my dream.

389. It's your dream?

390. You never even mentioned it before.

391. We talk about a lot of things, Holly.

392. You know, I was eventually going to get around

393. to my dream, obviously.

394. 11 years that I could've been working on the scarn nebulus.

395. Well, why do you have to make a movie at all?

396. Because if I don't have this, what do I have?

397. - I have nothing. - Really?

398. You can't think of anything else that you might have?

399. I have my book on business, somehow I manage.

400. I've been stuck on a word for the last couple of years.

401. I have my hbo comedy special,

402. here I go again, dot, dot, dot.

403. I have my line of mens lingerie, Victor's secret.

404. Because men are the ones who buy lingerie.

405. Am I right? Yes, I'm right.

406. But you know what? When I think about it,

407. when I really think about it, none of those things

408. are as real to me as my movie.

409. I'm real.

410. Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass.

411. And now I'm gonna go watch the movie

412. with people who think it's great.

413. And I'm sorry I called you a pain in the ass.

414. I'm angry, and I love you.

415. I love you too.

416. I'm a huge Woody Allen fan...

417. Although I've only seen antz.

418. But I'll tell you something. What I respect about that man

419. is that when he was going through all of that stuff

420. that came out in the press...

421. About how antz was just a rip-off of a bug's life,

422. he stayed true to his films...

423. Or at least the film that I saw,

424. which, again, was antz.

425. Thing is...

426. I thought bug's life was better,

427. much better than antz.

428. Point is, don't listen to your critics.

429. Listen to your fans.

430. Who likes threat level midnight?

431. Okay, well, then who wants to watch the rest?

432. Michael, you have to get to that puck before halftime,

433. or the whole stadium will explode.

434. I know. It's a good thing my trainer and mentor

435. - is here to cheer me on. - Cherokee Jack?

436. Michael, he died.

437. This one's for you, cherokee Jack.

438. We filmed this during an actual

439. Scranton high school hockey game.

440. They were trying to qualify for states.

441. Shh. It's fine. It's great.

442. No, no, actually it was really screwed up,

443. because they— they were trying to qualify.

444. They were disqualified. They had to forfeit the game.

445. Undefeated season—

446. that's why there were so many people there.

447. - Hey. - Hey, I'm sorry.

448. - It is good. - No, no. It's not.

449. It's not.

450. But they really seem to be enjoying it.

451. Come on.

452. Agh!

453. Cherokee Jack.

454. I want you to take all your frustrations—

455. with women, the system, with everything—

456. take it out on the puck,

457. all on the puck.

458. - Yah! - Aah!

459. - Oh! - Yay!

460. - Yay, they're saved! - Whoo!

461. - They're saved! - Nice.

462. Yes!

463. Hey, we got sports games again.

464. Oh, sh—

465. Some breakfast for me, some breakfast for you.

466. Aw.

467. Oh, yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot.

468. I'll get it.

469. Man, I love being retired.

470. Scarn here.

471. - Michael, it's the president. - Hello, sir.

472. I need you for another mission.

473. Uh...

474. Yeah, I'm in.

475. I'm getting too old for this beep.

476. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Isn't the president evil?

477. Oh, yeah.

478. Yes, he is.

479. No, no, he's doing it to catch the president.

480. No, no, Dwight, he's just being stupid.

481. Well, Michael Scarn was back in the game.

482. And I bet you're wondering

483. why do I know so much about Michael Scarn?

484. Well, because I am Michael Scarn.

485. Oh!

486. Why is the movie dedicated to creed?

487. Well, I thought he would be dead by the time this came out!

488. Aw, yeah!

489. Hey.

490. What are you doing here?

491. The movie's over.

492. It's threat level noon again.

493. Go home. Have a life. Fall in love.

494. Go.

495. Samuel, they think the movie's still going.

496. - Go home! - Go home.

497. Get a life.

498. Get a life and go home already, okay?

499. Losers.

500. Look at that guy. He just came for the popcorn.

501. Could those floors be any stickier?

502. Look at her. What's her problem?

503. - Just go. It's over. - Go home already.

504. The lights are coming up for the next movie.

505. - You better get out of here. - You better go.

506. It's time to— 'cause the movie's over.

507. - We're not staying. - So we— - we gotta go too.

508. Go.

509. Go on with you!

510. Go home!