1. I got a delivery for you.
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2. Leave it at reception.
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3. I'm supposed to deliver this one
in person.
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4. Clean up on aisle five.
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5. After three years of writing,
one year of shooting,
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6. four years of reshooting,
and two years of editing,
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7. I have finally completed
my movie,
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8. Threat Level Midnight.
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9. - Erin, Erin...
- Yes?
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10. - What are you doing?
- Guys...
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11. Did you guys know
that our own Michael Scott
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12. has made a movie
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13. and that he maybe
will let us watch it,
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14. but only if everybody's
dying to see it?
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15. That's... Well,
don't put words in my mouth.
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16. Threat Level Midnight
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17. is the great lost film
of Michael Scott.
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18. We're all in it,
from, like, years and years ago.
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19. It's like a home movie.
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20. Yeah, if Michael Scott
did your home movie.
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21. Michael screened
a work in progress for us
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22. years ago, and it didn't go well.
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23. We thought it was a comedy.
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24. Everything pointed
to it being a comedy.
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25. - Yep.
- We'd love to see it.
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26. Sweet.
I will go invite Holly.
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27. Okay, everyone,
I know we're really excited
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28. to see this movie
that everybody's in,
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29. but we have to remember
that Michael is sensitive.
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30. So let's stay positive...
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31. And no laughing, no comments,
just positive energy,
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32. and we'll have
a pure fun day, okay?
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33. Thanks, mom.
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34. You never told me
you made a movie.
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35. Mm-hmm.
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36. It's got action. It's got heart.
It's got symbolism.
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37. - It's got you.
- It's got a lot of me.
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38. I can't wait.
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39. Ladies and gentlemen,
Threat Level Midnight.
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40. Michael Scarn?
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41. Well, that
is an interesting story.
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42. He was once the best
secret agent in the business.
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43. That was years ago.
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44. Where is he now?
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45. Well, that's also
an interesting story.
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46. Master Scarn.
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47. Master Scarn!
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48. I play Samuel,
Michael Scarn's robot butler.
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49. I wanted Samuel's voice...
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50. To be like this.
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51. But Michael
thought that Samuel should be
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52. a very advanced android,
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53. almost indistinguishable
from a real person.
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54. Dwight does not play a robot.
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55. - I'm up.
- It's the president.
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56. - He needs you for a mission.
- Tell him I'm retired.
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57. It's Goldenface.
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58. Goldenface...
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59. This makes it personal.
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60. Scarn, you're right on time.
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61. - Hail to the chief.
- I gave up a lot of weekends
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62. because I thought it
would be good for my daughter
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63. to see a black man as president,
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64. even in a silly home movie.
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65. What a stupid waste of time.
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66. It's your old enemy, Goldenface.
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67. He's after
the NHL all-star game.
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68. He's hidden a bomb
somewhere in the stadium.
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69. Scarn...
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70. This one is personal for me.
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71. I own the stadium.
I can't see it blown up.
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72. It's my retirement plan.
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73. We have to search the stadium.
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74. Not so fast...
Goldenface has taken
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75. all of the concession-stand
workers hostage.
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76. Scarn, will you find these
hostages and save the game?
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77. Heads I do it, tails I don't.
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78. Best out of seven.
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79. Heads.
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80. Tails.
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81. Heads.
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82. Tails.
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83. Heads.
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84. Tails.
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85. Looks like there's gonna be
a clean up on aisle five.
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86. Well, the hostages were scared.
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87. Don't you guys get it?
Nobody's coming for us.
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88. Oh, someone's coming, all right.
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89. The only man who would care,
Michael Scarn.
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90. See, I'm gonna lure him here.
Then I'm gonna kill everybody.
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91. Then I'm gonna dig up
Scarn's dead wife,
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92. and I'm gonna hump her real good.
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93. I did not love the dialogue...
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94. Or the character.
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95. I took the role
to impress a receptionist
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96. who will remain nameless.
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97. Well, the all-star game
was three days away.
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98. The only way Scarn was getting
in was in a uniform.
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99. Just one problem with that...
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100. Scarn didn't know
a hockey stick from a slim Jim.
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101. So he went to meet
with the famed trainer,
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102. Cherokee Jack.
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103. Mop the ice.
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104. I'm not here to learn how to mop,
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105. I'm here to learn
how to play hockey.
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106. Mop it.
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107. Come on.
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108. Come on.
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109. What am I supposed to do
with this?
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110. Well, Michael Scarn
was quickly becoming
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111. one of the hottest
hockey players in the country.
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112. Each year
the national hockey league
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113. accepts one civilian amateur
to play in the all-star game.
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114. It's down to the three of you.
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115. The final test is speed skating.
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116. On your marks...
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117. Get set...
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118. Die.
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119. Nice try, Goldenface,
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120. except you forgot one thing...
to kill me.
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121. Oh, I wasn't trying to kill you.
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122. I was trying to slow you down.
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123. No!
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124. - Oh, by the way...
- Yeah?
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125. How's your wife doing?
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126. Congratulations.
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127. Hey, you came in second...
Not bad either, champ.
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128. I'm so sorry I have to do this.
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129. Shh! Shh, shh!
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130. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
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131. I'm intercepting a name...
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132. Jasmine Windsong.
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133. She works for Goldenface.
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134. But what I can't figure out is,
who is the Funky Cat?
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135. Not who, what.
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136. The Funky Cat is
the hippest jazz club in town.
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137. Oh!
Oh, n...
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138. He cut the part where
my circuit board malfunctioned?
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139. Then what was the point
of spilling the drink on me?
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140. Bingo.
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141. He finished his movie?
No kidding.
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142. Wow.
That's great.
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143. Yeah, good for him.
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144. Ooh, ugh!
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145. Ugh.
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146. Check, please.
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147. You have to let us go,
Goldenface.
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148. - We have families.
- Ha, this is gonna show them...
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149. That I mean business.
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150. See ya.
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151. Far and away the most
expensive shot of the movie,
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152. but it was "intregral"
to the story.
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153. Ha!
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154. It's Scarn!
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155. Sorry about your friend, Scarn.
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156. The joke's on you, Goldenface.
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157. That man was
a wanted animal rapist.
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158. We've searched
the whole building, Goldenface.
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159. - Where is the bomb?
- Hmm?
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160. We've searched
the whole building, Goldenface.
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161. - Where is the bomb?
- Hmm?
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162. We've searched the... Okay.
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163. He said,
"Where is the bomb?"
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164. In the puck.
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165. But why are you telling me this?
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166. Because I'm going
to kill you, unless...
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167. You forgive me
for murdering your wife.
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168. - Hey, Goldenface.
- Yeah?
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169. Go puck yourself.
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170. No!
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171. That was not scripted.
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172. More Tylenol.
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173. You've already had four.
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174. Oh, God!
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175. So good.
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176. You're lucky to be alive.
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177. It'll take
a lot more than a bullet
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178. to the brain, lungs,
heart, back, and balls
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179. to kill Michael Scarn.
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180. Let's just make sure
that everything's...
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181. working properly.
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182. You just said
the bomb is in the puck?
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183. Yes.
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184. Is that where
you hid the bomb, Goldenface?
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185. But why would you blow up
the stadium?
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186. You own the stadium.
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187. For the insurance money...
I knew it all along.
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188. You will never get away
with this.
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189. Where had I gone wrong?
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190. All I wanted was to start
a family with my beautiful wife.
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191. But somewhere along the way,
things got messed up.
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192. It wasn't easy for Scarn to admit
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193. that he'd lost
his self-confidence.
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194. And he hadn't, of course.
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195. He just wasn't using it
right now.
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196. Mike!
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197. Beer me, Billy.
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198. You don't look so good.
What's got you down?
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199. I got problems, Billy,
big problems.
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200. You got problems?
My TV don't work.
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201. I pay 30 bucks a month for the
damn satellite "Whatsahoozit."
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202. I can't even get the damn game.
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203. Now, you tell me,
what's worse than that?
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204. Don't ever change, Billy.
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205. Goldenface is going to blow up
the NHL all-star game tomorrow.
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206. I see what you mean
about problems.
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207. I know what'll cheer you up.
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208. That table
of bachelorettes over there
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209. bought you this drink.
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210. Hey.
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211. Ever banged an entire
bachelorette party, baby?
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212. Why are you singling my line out,
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213. like, a million years later?
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214. I'm too depressed
to save the big game, Billy.
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215. I'm gonna cheer you up
the only ways I know hows.
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216. Hey, kid...
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217. Hit G-9 on the jukebox.
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218. No, Billy, I haven't done
that dance since my wife died.
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219. There's a whole crowd
of people out there
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220. who need to learn
how to do the Scarn.
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221. If doing the Scarn is gay,
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222. then I'm the biggest queer
on earth!
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223. You guys, I think I have...
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224. - I'm really sorry.
- My self-confidence back.
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225. - Hey, hey.
- Michael!
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226. Michael, I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
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227. I think I was just relieved
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228. to see that Michael Scarn
got his confidence back.
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229. Yeah, Michael,
the movie's amazing.
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230. It's, like,
one of the best movies
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231. I've ever seen in my life.
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232. You should enter it in festivals.
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233. - Or carnivals.
- Yeah.
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234. Well, that's
a pretty good reaction.
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235. That's pretty cool, right?
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236. Did you like it?
Did you like that?
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237. Which part?
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238. Okay.
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239. - All right.
- Oh, come on.
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240. - No.
- Michael.
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241. - No, come on!
- We have to see the end.
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242. No, it's not good enough.
It's not good enough.
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243. Some people
are really popping on-screen.
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244. - Hey.
- Hey.
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245. - Good movie.
- Mm, good?
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246. Everybody out there says
it's great.
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247. - I loved it.
- Did you?
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248. - What did you love about it?
- Um...
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249. I loved that you got to work
together with all your friends.
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250. - Mm-hmm.
- Isn't that so great
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251. when you can all work
together like that?
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252. No, no. Holly, this isn't
Oean's Eleven,
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253. where you get together
with all your friends,
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254. and you just have fun,
and you don't care
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255. about how it turns out.
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256. What'd you really think,
honestly?
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257. Um...
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258. Is it... is it
because you're afraid
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259. of where this is gonna take me?
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260. Because, see, I need you
to keep me grounded.
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261. I'm not worried about that.
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262. This is 11 years, okay?
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263. This has been my dream
for 11 years...
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264. And if you don't think
it's great,
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265. then you're basically saying
you don't believe in my dream.
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266. It's your dream? You never
even mentioned it before.
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267. We talk
about a lot of things, Holly.
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268. You know, I was eventually
going to get around
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269. to my dream, obviously.
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270. 11 years
that I could've been working
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271. on the Scarn Nebulus.
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272. Well, why do you have
to make a movie at all?
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273. Because if I don't have this,
what do I have?
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274. - I have nothing.
- Really?
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275. You can't think of anything else
that you might have?
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276. I have my book on business,
somehow I manage.
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277. I have my HBO Comedy Special,
here I go again, dot, dot, dot.
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278. But you know what?
When I think about it,
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279. when I really think about it,
none of those things
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280. are as real to me as my movie.
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281. I'm real.
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282. Yeah, you're
a real pain in the ass.
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283. And now I'm gonna go
watch the movie
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284. with people who think it's great.
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285. And I'm sorry I called you
a pain in the ass.
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286. I'm angry, and I love you.
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287. I love you too.
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288. I'm a huge Woody Allen fan...
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289. Although I've only seen Antz.
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290. But I'll tell you something...
What I respect about that man
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291. is that when he was going
through all of that stuff
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292. that came out in the press...
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293. About how Antz was just
a rip-off of A Bug's Life,
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294. he stayed true to his films...
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295. Or at least the film that I saw,
which, again, was Antz.
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296. Thing is...
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297. I thought Bug's Life was better,
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298. much better than Antz.
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299. Point is,
don't listen to your critics.
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300. Listen to your fans.
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301. Who likes Threat Level Midnight?
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302. Okay, well, then who wants
to watch the rest?
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303. Michael, you have to get
to that puck before halftime,
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304. or the whole stadium
will explode.
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305. I know. It's a good thing
my trainer and mentor
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306. - is here to cheer me on.
- Cherokee Jack?
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307. Michael, he died.
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308. This one's for you,
Cherokee Jack.
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309. We filmed this during an actual
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310. Scranton High School hockey game.
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311. They were trying
to qualify for States.
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312. Shh.
It's fine. It's great.
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313. No, no, actually
it was really screwed up,
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314. because they...
they were trying to qualify.
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315. They were disqualified.
They had to forfeit the game.
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316. Undefeated season...
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317. That's why there were
so many people there.
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318. - Why is your face gold?
- Why do you care?
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319. I'm just making conversation.
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320. I worked in a gold factory.
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321. We had a boss
who only cared about money.
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322. He wouldn't give us
lunch breaks, so we had to...
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323. - Hey.
- Hey, I'm sorry.
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324. - It is good.
- No, no, it's not.
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325. It's not.
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326. But they really
seem to be enjoying it.
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327. Come on.
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328. Please, Goldenface, let us go!
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329. Cherokee Jack.
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330. I want you to take
all your frustrations...
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331. with women, the system,
with everything...
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332. take it out on the puck,
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333. all on the puck.
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334. - Yah!
- Aah!
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335. - Oh!
- Yay!
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336. - Yay, they're saved!
- Whoo!
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337. Hey, we got sports games again.
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338. Oh, sh...
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339. Some breakfast for me,
some breakfast for you.
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340. Aw.
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341. Oh, yeah, I guess
I did let him be a robot.
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342. I'll get it.
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343. Man, I love being retired.
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344. Scarn here.
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345. - Michael, it's the president.
- Hello, sir.
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346. I need you for another mission.
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347. Uh...
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348. Yeah, I'm in.
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349. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Isn't the president evil?
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350. Oh, yeah.
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351. Yes, he is.
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352. No, no, he's doing it
to catch the president.
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353. No, no, Dwight,
he's just being stupid.
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354. Well, Michael Scarn was
back in the game.
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355. And I bet you're wondering
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356. why do I know so much
about Michael Scarn?
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357. Well, because I am Michael Scarn.
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358. Oh!
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359. That was so good.
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360. Aw, yeah!
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