The Office 7x14

1. Oh, sorry, mate.

2. Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me.

3. - What you doin'? - English?

4. You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that.

5. I'm not picking on you at all.

6. You're English, correct?

7. Yeah, big time, yeah.

8. I'm working on an English character.

9. Would you mind gi—

10. It's called Reginald Pooftah.

11. Ooh!

12. David Brent, my liege. How are you?

13. - Michael Scott. - Oh, there you go.

14. I do characters as well.

15. I got a Chinese fella.

16. Not politically correct, but he's called Ho Li.

17. That's what it sounds like.

18. - Herrow! Herrow! - I do Ping.

19. Herrow. I Ping.

20. You can't do that these days. You can't.

21. No, no, no. And people don't understand

22. that it has nothing to do with making fun

23. of a different nationality.

24. No, no, no.

25. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes

26. to tickle itself.

27. That's what she said.

28. Ohh!

29. That's good. Pleasure to meet you.

30. - Where are you working? - Dunder Mifflin.

31. - Any jobs going? - No, not right now.

32. - Just let me know. - All right.

33. - See ya around. - All right.

34. Bye-bye.

35. What a nice guy.

36. Should we get her something?

37. She looks comfortable.

38. Your first student is here,

39. Mister Bernard.

40. That's actually "Master of Ceremonies" Bernard.

41. Last year, I went to a seminar

42. called "The Ten Secrets of Real Estate."

43. Turns out it was just a ploy

44. to sell me time-shares in Idaho.

45. Cut to, you know, I'm spending a weekend in Boise,

46. terrible time, super lonely.

47. But I get to thinking

48. maybe I should put on my own seminar

49. to lure clients.

50. Oh, it's—

51. Hello, I am here

52. for the small business seminar.

53. Michael?

54. Nein! I'm Greek!

55. My name is Mikanos.

56. Ooh.

57. Ohh.

58. Wait, Michael?

59. - Michael? - Okay.

60. I am the plant.

61. Every great seminar has one.

62. My job is to make the speaker look good,

63. and I do this through the techniques

64. of leading questions

65. and laughing at all jokes.

66. And the character, Mikanos,

67. is just a little added flava.

68. Mikanos is loosely based on another character I do, Spiros,

69. who is more about the ladies.

70. Thank you so much, Tuna Turner.

71. You are simply the best.

72. Listen, this isn't a favor, all right?

73. This is a good idea. We all win.

74. Go higher.

75. I get super flexible when I'm nervous.

76. Wow.

77. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

78. Hey, Andy, I'm really, really sorry to do this to you,

79. but I have a meeting today

80. that I totally forgot,

81. so I can't be a part of this seminar.

82. No. What?

83. You can't do that.

84. You are a critical part of this seminar.

85. - You're the charming warm-up guy. - I know.

86. If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche.

87. You, like, signal the flavors of the whole night.

88. I'm really sorry. I can't do it

89. You can't. You can't.

90. I can't have this go badly.

91. I'm a terrible salesman,

92. and I haven't been making very many sales lately,

93. or ever.

94. This is my only idea on how to turn things around.

95. If it goes badly, I might lose my job,

96. which would suck, because this is

97. the only job I've ever been good at.

98. Will you let me know

99. when this whole seminar thing's over?

100. What's going on? Do you know that guy?

101. I just have a meeting, uh, outside the office.

102. Hey.

103. How are the marks?

104. What are some of your small business ideas?

105. I was thinking we could buy up

106. a bunch of abandoned mineshafts.

107. Oh.

108. That's great.

109. There's a big, big future in that.

110. A lot of mines in Scranton.

111. Um, what about you?

112. - Uh, credit cards. - Uh-huh.

113. My company will act as an intermedium

114. for, like, 0.2 cents off every transaction.

115. Wow!

116. Or something with cell phones,

117. like, every time you make a phone call,

118. I'd make 0.2 cents.

119. Or anything—like, any online shopping,

120. - I get 0.2 cents basically. - Right.

121. - Okay? Okay. - Great.

122. You promised us whales. These are worms.

123. They're not worms, Dwight, okay?

124. They're just people with tiny businesses.

125. They're baby whales, which is even cuter.

126. I'm out.

127. Stanley, you're supposed to close.

128. Sales is not hard.

129. Here's what I do.

130. I make my pitch.

131. Then I stare.

132. Want me to stop?

133. Buy something.

134. I'm out, too.

135. What?

136. I already lost Jim.

137. Salesmen are supposed to help each other out.

138. We're supposed to be a team.

139. We're no more a team

140. than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.

141. I just need your help.

142. Of course you do.

143. Because you can't close sales.

144. I would not say I can't close sales, Phyllis.

145. I would say I cannot close sales.

146. But that's just my personal speaking style.

147. Closing is about asking for money

148. and not taking no for an answer.

149. But I was raised never to speak of money

150. and never to ask for anything.

151. Our needs were anticipated.

152. Pretty strong start, Gabe.

153. Yeah. You wanna forfeit?

154. Say your prayers, buster.

155. I'd say the same, but even God can't help you now.

156. Leave, Gabe.

157. Gabe and I play Scrabble on our phones,

158. and the winner gets to pick the movie we watch.

159. I have won no games.

160. So far I've seen The Shining,

161. Rosemary's Baby,

162. The Ring.

163. Not really my thing.

164. Although, I—

165. I do like the early parts of the movies

166. where they have a perfect family and everything.

167. Hey, who's this?

168. Oh, I had to get the rest of my stuff

169. out of AJ's apartment.

170. That's Fluffy.

171. Fluffy? I like that.

172. Hi, Fluffy. Hi, Fluffy.

173. AJ named her. I never liked it.

174. Oh.

175. Well, the good thing about goldfish,

176. they forget everything they know in two seconds,

177. so you could just rename him.

178. - Never know. - Goldfinger.

179. Mm, goldschlager.

180. - Golda Meir. - Golden Shower.

181. No.

182. Goldie Hawn?

183. Goldie Prawn.

184. Well done.

185. You know what might be kind of fun?

186. I was thinking, you know Andy's having a seminar today?

187. What if we went in as a Greek couple?

188. Mikanos and...

189. Oh, I don't know, Michael. I'm not feeling up to that.

190. Okay.

191. Holly broke up with AJ last week,

192. which is the greatest thing

193. that has ever happened... To me.

194. To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life,

195. and I know for a fact

196. that there was a week for her in high school

197. when she got mono and her first period ever.

198. Too much information?

199. That's what I thought.

200. But you know what?

201. Here I am using it.

202. If-a you change-a you mind,

203. why don't you talk to Mikanos?

204. Is Mikanos Greek? He sounds Italian.

205. Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today.

206. Maybe Mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus.

207. Okay, yeah, like a character history.

208. Good. Tom Hanks does that.

209. Try a little more gravel like he's a smoker.

210. I am Mi—

211. - That's scary. - That's gonna really hurt.

212. That's really scary, yeah.

213. Bairn...

214. Beern...

215. Down... there.

216. Is "jlp" a word?

217. "Jelp"? J-E-L-P?

218. No, J-L-P.

219. Like, "I jlp— I jlp you!"

220. I don't think that's a word.

221. I'm playing Scrabble with Gabe,

222. and I've never won a game.

223. You want some help?

224. Really?

225. Mm-hmm.

226. Yes.

227. I'm not letting Gabe do this.

228. Jim and I used to play Boggle against each other,

229. and when he would win, he would get so cocky about it.

230. It ruined Boggle for me.

231. Ruined words for me.

232. Boggle? Um, yes

233. I am pretty good at Boggle.

234. Is that guy still here, by the way?

235. K-A. "Ka"?

236. What does "ka" mean?

237. It means you're playing someone

238. who's going to destroy you.

239. Why did you play "moo"?

240. Because I'm playing to win.

241. I'm playing "moo," I'm playing "milk,"

242. whatever it takes.

243. Okay, but look, you could have hit "mood."

244. - Would have played a... - Uh!

245. A triple word.

246. Like the cow mood yesterday.

247. God.

248. Or moon.

249. The cow jumped over the moon.

250. You know it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?

251. Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar,

252. and I'm just—

253. I was wondering if you could replace him

254. as my charming warm-up guy.

255. Andy, I'm no Jim.

256. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version

257. when Jim sees what his future would be like

258. if he never met Pam.

259. Hey, that's crazy talk.

260. I think you're great.

261. Then I won't let you down.

262. - Pink. - Indigo.

263. Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right?

264. - Yeah. - I need someone

265. to talk to this seminar about business.

266. - And? - Can you do it?

267. - Okay. I don't— - I don't like committing to things

268. just like that.

269. So no?

270. No, I don't like committing

271. to not doing things, either.

272. That's just as big a commitment.

273. Oh, baby.

274. What do I put you down for, bro hombre?

275. Yes.

276. - All right! - Yes, I'll do it.

277. Okay, thank you so much.

278. It's gonna be awesome.

279. - And if I flake, I flake. - What?

280. - Kevin, you open it up. - Yep.

281. Ryan, you come in

282. with your small biz expertise, right?

283. And then Creed, guest speaker extraordinaire.

284. And then I come in and just close all the sales and stuff.

285. Um, okay, here we go.

286. One, two, three!

287. - Go. - Creed!

288. Ha!

289. Welcome, everybody. Awesome to see you guys.

290. My name's Andy Bernard,

291. but you can call me the Nard Dog.

292. Hi, Nard Dog. I'm Lu Peachem.

293. Let's get things started, shall we?

294. You guys ready to hear

295. from the Dunder Mifflin business experts?

296. Good. Well, as you can see on your program,

297. first up is a speech called,

298. "Don't Just Dream It, Do It."

299. Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone.

300. All aboard!

301. Ha ha ha ha ha!

302. Three, four, five.

303. Yes!

304. There are some people who have charm

305. and some people who don't.

306. Guess which type I am.

307. Charm type.

308. Dream... big.

309. Right?

310. So what I want you to do

311. is dream the biggest that you c... an.

312. And then double it!

313. Are you okay?

314. No. Yes!

315. - Here. - N—

316. I'm fine.

317. Okay, from here now.

318. The first lesson that I'm gonna teach you,

319. right, is about finding success.

320. And the key to finding success is to picture a winner.

321. First, I want you to picture... A loser.

322. Okay, so then, what are you picturing right now,

323. right this second?

324. 'Cause the universe is yours, people.

325. Get out of the way.

326. I'm really excited to introduce you guys

327. to Ryan Howard.

328. He has achieved a great deal in the last—

329. But perhaps no achievement is greater

330. than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.

331. What are you—

332. Who am I?

333. I'm Kelly Kapoor,

334. the business bitch.

335. It is important to brand yourself,

336. so I have a couple of things in the works.

337. The business bitch,

338. the diet bitch,

339. the shopping bitch,

340. the etiquette bitch.

341. I could sit here,

342. and I could tell you the ten secrets of business,

343. and you would have a great time,

344. and you would learn a lot.

345. But who better to tell you

346. than the Yale University adjunct professor in management,

347. Professor Scott Powell,

348. who I have on my Blackberry.

349. It's ringing.

350. Hey, Kelly Kapoor.

351. What a delicious surprise.

352. Professor Powell, you are on speakerphone.

353. Uh, why?

354. Do you think you could tell us

355. the ten secrets of business?

356. Um, there aren't really ten secrets.

357. Come on, Scott, please. It's me.

358. Um, all right.

359. Well, um,

360. I guess know your market would be key.

361. Practice fiscal discipline.

362. Mm-hmm.

363. That brilliant little bitch.

364. Ooh, Ryan flaked

365. and Professor Scott Powell saved the day again.

366. Is that how she's gonna spin it?

367. A little treat for our old friend, Gabe.

368. Put that "Q" right there.

369. Wait. Why?

370. Put the "Q" there, sweetie.

371. - I think there's better— - Put the "Q" there!

372. Sorry I yelled.

373. You could have just told us what you were thinking.

374. There's no theater in that.

375. There's no yelling in that, either.

376. Well...

377. What do you do in your free time?

378. Practice Olympics.

379. Mmm. Do you like movies?

380. I like the musical Grease,

381. or as we call it, Home.

382. We have to try this out on somebody.

383. Hello.

384. Look, you want to order something?

385. She will have a Greekaccino.

386. I don't know what that is.

387. It—

388. It's a very strong coffee

389. with milk from a goat.

390. I can't believe-ee.

391. It's a miracle.

392. She can talk!

393. No more brain damage.

394. No more brain damage!

395. Ahh!

396. I don't know.

397. Ladies and gentlemen,

398. our special guest speaker will provoke you.

399. He will inspire you.

400. He is...

401. Creed Bratton.

402. Two eyes, two ears,

403. a chin, a mouth,

404. ten fingers, two nipples.

405. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis.

406. I have just described to you

407. the Loch Ness Monster.

408. And the reward for its capture?

409. All the riches in Scotland.

410. So I have one question:

411. why are you here?

412. - "Scream"? - I know what you're thinking.

413. - Yes, but if— - Oh, "scream."

414. I want to pick up that "U."

415. Are you done texting all your boyfriends?

416. I'm not.

417. Gabe, Gabe, Gabe, Gabe.

418. Um, so the paper is—

419. - You hit the big button. - The big button right here.

420. - Not that one. Not that one. - Not on/off.

421. The big button, you just press that.

422. - Goes right in. - Hey, guys.

423. - Hey. - Hey.

424. Hey.

425. I picked out our movie.

426. It's called Suspiria.

427. It pushes all the boundaries.

428. All your preconceived notions

429. about what horror can be come crashing down.

430. - When I win... - Ooh.

431. We're gonna watch Wall-E,

432. where all the boundaries of color are pushed.

433. It is hard to explain

434. why Erin is doing so well today.

435. The only thing I can think

436. is Erin is living out

437. some Slumdog Millionaire scenario,

438. where every word she's playing

439. has a connection to her orphan past.

440. It's possible.

441. A number of years ago, I was telling a friend

442. an idea I had for a restaurant

443. where kids could play games and watch shows.

444. Sounds a lot like Chuck E. Cheese, right?

445. Well, the guy who invented Chuck E. Cheese

446. was sitting at the next table.

447. I have evidence, affidavits, and documents

448. that they locked me out of the deal.

449. And someday, his day will come.

450. The craziest thing about all this?

451. The restaurant where it took place?

452. Chuck E. Cheese.

453. Was your idea also called Chuck E. Cheese?

454. Nope, it was called Woodstock's Freak-Out Zone.

455. Okay!

456. All right, ladies and gentlemen,

457. it is now time for the rarest of things,

458. an actual free lunch.

459. There's sandwiches in the back. Certainly help yourselves.

460. We'll meet back up in an hour.

461. So what's your crazy business pipe dream?

462. Well, I started my own golf supply company.

463. Really?

464. It's taken off faster than I expected,

465. so I came here to learn about creating manageable growth.

466. - Phyllis? - Hmm?

467. Some of these people are for real.

468. Hey, friend. How's it going?

469. Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you.

470. Thank you.

471. Hey, you know what?

472. Good news. We're back in.

473. Let's go sell some paper, buddy. Huh?

474. Really?

475. Ahem!

476. - Excuse me. - I got it. I got it.

477. Hey, do you need a lozenge?

478. They're a bunch of jackals.

479. What?

480. They left you in the lurch,

481. and if they want to jump in,

482. it means you're almost there.

483. You did this.

484. Bring it home.

485. Let me tell you what you can do

486. with your offer to help.

487. You can table it and offer it up another time.

488. Just know that I really appreciate the gesture.

489. Very good, Andy. We respect that.

490. If you say no, that's a no.

491. Not.

492. We can't just sneak in after lunch.

493. No, we're gonna be late.

494. - Oh, okay. - We have to have a good—

495. The financial Greek crisis kept us.

496. It has to be something real. Something believable.

497. Hilarious.

498. Oh.

499. Peanut butter trucked smashed into a jelly truck.

500. They're helicoptering in bread.

501. Oh, yes.

502. Michael, you have to take this seminar away from Andy.

503. He's gonna blow the sales.

504. Okay, Andrew, could you come in here a minute?

505. Are you sure you can close these sales?

506. I'm sure I can try.

507. No, no, no.

508. I need you to be confident that you can pull this off.

509. I am, I'm confident...

510. That no one will work harder to pull this off.

511. Oh, my God. Michael.

512. Come on. You know he can't close.

513. I'm sorry I'm bad at sales.

514. Every rule of sales goes against who I am.

515. "Don't be afraid to be rude."

516. Uh, I'm sorry. That's rude.

517. "Have a killer instinct."

518. You know who has a killer instinct?

519. Killers.

520. "You're not there to make friends."

521. Well, then how am I supposed to make friends?

522. "Don't take no for an answer."

523. Oh, so now no means yes?

524. I don't think so.

525. Chanting that got my fraternity's charter revoked

526. at Cornell.

527. Michael, there are sheep lined up for the slaughter.

528. They belong to the man who knows how to use a knife.

529. Let me gut them.

530. This was Andy's idea. It's his sale.

531. - Thank you. - However, Andy,

532. if you look like you're gonna screw up,

533. I'm gonna have these guys come in and close.

534. Sounds good. What's the signal?

535. I am going to look confused.

536. No, that— That's a terrible signal.

537. All right, I will look interested.

538. - Also not— - Also—so easily—

539. I'm just gonna come out and get you.

540. I will come out and get you.

541. Andy, don't make me do that.

542. Insofar as it is in my power, I will not.

543. Oh, my God.

544. Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch.

545. Welcome back.

546. Ooh. Well, hello.

547. Welcome to the seminar.

548. Hey, man. What's goin' on?

549. You're gonna blow it.

550. Maybe.

551. Only maybe.

552. We got it. Wow, we got it.

553. Oscar, wait. I think the victory

554. would be more meaningful

555. if Erin puts the last word in herself.

556. Yes, Pam.

557. Yes, most definitely.

558. - Yes. - Yes.

559. Ah! No

560. Although I must say, I will have apoplexy

561. if you lose.

562. Do you understand?

563. Apoplexy is what I will have.

564. Apoplexy.

565. - Yes. - Got it.

566. Oh, Oscar.

567. Oscar?

568. I played "ape."

569. I just want to make a point to that last caller.

570. I disagree.

571. I don't think it is the running game at all.

572. I think we do have to make a few moves in this off-season.

573. Wow!

574. What a day, right?

575. Guess you guys are probably ready to go.

576. And you got my business card, so...

577. Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.

578. You know, I like you.

579. I'm going to give you my secret gyro recipe.

580. Come out here

581. since it's a secret, and I'll tell you.

582. All right, you have to close right now.

583. Yeah, I mean, I'm getting to it.

584. No, you're not. You're getting past it.

585. You have to close. You can do it.

586. Yeah, yeah.

587. Andy, what's the problem?

588. This is hard for me. I'm a nice guy.

589. You know, Kelly and Creed, Kevin,

590. they believe in you.

591. Don't let them down.

592. Don't let yourself down, Andy.

593. I'm gonna go back in.

594. I'm going to stall them for a little bit.

595. I want you to get your head together,

596. and then come back in.

597. I want you to close.

598. What is taking that guy so long?

599. Psst.

600. You think this thing's gonna go much longer?

601. I don't know. They're still in there.

602. Ohh! Goodbye.

603. Stop.

604. Out with it.

605. Here's the story.

606. That guy in there

607. is Jim's childhood friend, Tom.

608. Tom Witochkin.

609. One of my best buddies, actually.

610. And when they were both in the third grade,

611. Jim was placed in the top reading group.

612. I was blue group, so it was second from the top.

613. - And Tom... - Was in green group.

614. And Jim's mom suggested

615. that Jim spend time hanging with the kids

616. in his reading group,

617. because she thought that they would be a good influence.

618. And that's what I told him.

619. Right.

620. But how'd you say it?

621. "My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with."

622. Hey, man.

623. Michael so doesn't get you.

624. - What do you mean? - You're a nice guy.

625. Really nice. Too nice for sales.

626. You really should be a florist or a war protestor or something.

627. So what Phyllis and Stanley and I would like to do

628. is make you a very generous offer.

629. We'll go inside, and we will close,

630. and we will offer you ten% of our commission.

631. Ten%. It's pretty good.

632. It's better than what you'll make

633. trying to do this on your own.

634. Yeah, we're only doing this because you're a nice guy.

635. Really nice.

636. And nice guys...

637. Mm-mm-mm.

638. Okay, who would like to purchase

639. this small business package from me right now?

640. Yes, we got one.

641. Okay, the snowball is rolling.

642. Who else?

643. You can put it off for a couple of days,

644. but I guarantee you,

645. eventually you're gonna realize

646. you need this.

647. So the only thing that's gonna be different

648. is you'll be a couple of days behind

649. where you would be if you bought this from me right now.

650. So who's gonna buy one right now?

651. I'll take one.

652. Yes! Awesome!

653. All right, anyone else?

654. Sold!

655. Anybody else?

656. Yes! All right!

657. - Yeah, bitch. - Good choice.

658. The rest of you are dead to me.

659. You made the stupidest decisions of your life.

660. No, no, no.

661. But it was a pleasure meeting you,

662. and you've got my information,

663. so feel free to call anytime.

664. Whoo!

665. Hey, you think it's cool if I grab a soda?

666. Yeah. Whoa.

667. Yep, absolutely, go ahead.

668. Hey.

669. - Hey. - Hey.

670. How's it goin'?

671. - Pretty good. - It's been a while.

672. It has been, yeah.

673. So you work here, huh?

674. Sales.

675. Must be a front

676. for some kind of famous laboratory.

677. 'Cause you're so smart.

678. Oh, man. You remember that, huh?

679. Oh, barely.

680. I'm so dumb,

681. you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out.

682. Not like you probably remember

683. every paper sale you ever made.

684. Paper salesman genius.

685. All right, good catch-up.

686. - Yeah. - See ya.

687. Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg?

688. That guy's an idiot.

689. Andy.

690. I didn't think you had it in ya.

691. Well, I guess when you looked in me,

692. you forgot about my balls.

693. They're on the outside.

694. Don't know how you missed 'em.

695. Wonderful seminar!

696. Almost as good

697. as the day when we first met.

698. You are the love of my life.

699. Come to me, Necropolis.

700. Put your lips on my lips.

701. Come on.

702. Michael, I should get back to work.

703. What? Come on.

704. It's time for grapes.

705. Real fun day.

706. - So, I won. - I know.

707. You get to pick.

708. Well, that's actually what I came to talk to you about.

709. I know how much you want to watch Wall-E.

710. Yes?

711. So I got us a compromise.

712. This movie's called Hardware.

713. It tells the story of a killer combat robot,

714. just like Wall-E,

715. that the government invented to destroy humans.

716. It's some of what you like and some of what I like,

717. and... married...

718. Hey, I heard you talking about movies before,

719. and, anyway, I just watched this over the weekend.

720. I thought you'd really like it.

721. There's a Shrek two?

722. Oh, yeah.

723. See you tomorrow.

724. Nice guy.

725. Ohh.