The Office 7x14

Directed by Michael Spiller

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

An emergency call from Helene forces Jim to abandon Michael at a gas station restroom, and Holly, Erin, and Dwight set out to rescue him. Gabe becomes offended at submissions to caption Pam's latest work of art.

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1. Everybody, can I please have your attention?

2. Ryan and I have a huge announcement.

3. Oh, my gosh! Wow.

4. Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced.

5. Sweet. Free ring.

6. Divorced? Just so you know, it's totally amicable.

7. We're fine. We don't need people here to take sides.

8. The last thing that we want is any kind of drama.

9. Wait, I... Can you back up? What's the story?

10. We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos.

11. We were making love constantly.

12. We saw the sun rise, and Ryan was crying a lot.

13. That's not a relevant detail. And in the morning,

14. we walked by a chapel,

15. and we stopped suddenly, and Ryan said,

16. "I don't think I should be married to you anymore."

17. Wait... Sorry, when did you get married?

18. Um, like, a week ago. We got really wasted, and it just felt right.

19. And you didn't invite any of us?

20. We are getting divorced, Andy!

21. This is such a raw time.

22. God, baby, you know, with people's reactions to this,

23. I wonder if we made a mistake.

24. No, with the messed up laws in this country,

25. I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.

26. You know what, Ryan?

27. I talked to the other gay guys,

28. and we're okay with it. We all agreed it's fine for you to get married.

29. No. No, Oscar. Not until everyone can.

30. Ryan, I changed my mind.

31. Okay, fine. You know what?

32. This actually isn't amicable at all,

33. and we actually do need people to take sides.

34. Who's on my side?

35. And who is on my side?

36. All right, bye. Bye.

37. Let's go. Just a minute!

38. How long do we have to wait? For what?

39. You broke up with A.J. weeks ago.

40. Don't you have a sales call to go on?

41. I don't understand. I really don't.

42. I mean, we know we're gonna start dating. Why not now?

43. We don't know that. Sure we do.

44. Why is it such a certainty that we're supposed to be together?

45. Why does the sun rise in the morning?

46. Why do magnets stick together?

47. Because everybody says so. Everybody.

48. Michael, I can't keep getting into a situation

49. where I date whoever I'm working with.

50. Well, you could understand that.

51. Yeah, I understand. I just don't agree.

52. Well, you don't have to agree. Yes, I do.

53. No, you don't. Yes, I do.

54. No, you can have your own opinion,

55. and I can have mine. I have my own opinion,

56. and my opinion is to disagree with you.

57. He's gonna be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with.

58. Oh, you'll get through it, hon.

59. Just make a game out of it. A funny Jim game.

60. That's it? That's all I get?

61. Even after all the hard work I put into celebrating your talent today.

62. All right, what'd you do?

63. Well, those things that you consider doodles,

64. I consider art.

65. Where'd you put it? Where'd I put what?

66. Let's go. Oh, sorry. I gotta go.

67. Say it. Where? Okay, fine.

68. Three hints. One, when you're getting colder, you're really getting warmer.

69. The fridge. Two!

70. You have a better chance if you think Bob Vance.

71. The fridge, got it. And the final clue...

72. Let's go! You know what? Just think about it.

73. You'll be fine. Bye.

74. Holly is ruining Michael's life.

75. He thinks she's so special.

76. And she's so not.

77. Her personality is like a three, her sense of humor is a two,

78. her ears are like a seven and a four.

79. Add it all up, and what do you get? 16.

80. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40.

81. It's nuts.

82. Cheer up. We made a sale.

83. Just drive faster. I wanna get back.

84. Well, I'm going the speed limit. Okay, fine.

85. My feelings don't matter to you.

86. What matters to you is your precious speed limit.

87. Someone's in a bad mood.

88. No, I'm not.

89. I'm not in a bad mood.

90. I'm not, Jim. Hello?

91. Okay, fine, ignore me. Have it your way.

92. Let's just talk about you as always.

93. Sex different after the baby, Jim?

94. All right, let me turn on some music. I need to pee!

95. No, you don't. Yeah, I do. My word against yours.

96. All right, well, we'll be there in 10 minutes.

97. What part of "I need to pee" do you not understand?

98. I'm upset, my bladder is full,

99. there is no telling what I might do right now

100. all over the inside of your precious little car.

101. All right. Well, if I see a gas station, I'll pull over.

102. Well, I hope I make it.

103. Hello? Hi, Jim, it's Helene.

104. Hey, Helene. Is everything okay?

105. Everything's fine. Baby's fine.

106. She has a tiny fever. I'm taking her for a checkup.

107. Nothing to worry about.

108. Okay.

109. A tiny thing. I locked her in the car.

110. What?

111. She's smiling. She's happy. Oh, my God.

112. Jim, I don't have a spare key. Oh, my God.

113. Just stay there. I'll be there in one second.

114. Michael!

115. Michael!

116. Excuse me, sir, there's a... There's a guy in the bathroom.

117. He's coming out, but I have to go, 'cause it's an emergency.

118. Will you just tell him to call the office?

119. Just call... Call the office.

120. Thank you! Please?

121. Hello?

122. This is Pam. Hey, it's me.

123. So, don't worry. Everything's okay.

124. What's wrong? Nothing, absolutely nothing.

125. But you're not holding a cup of coffee or anything, are you?

126. Jim, what? Uh, okay. So, Cece had a little bit of a fever,

127. and your mom also locked her in the car.

128. Oh, God. What? No, no, no, it's okay.

129. So, Cece's with Daddy now, and she is laughing and she's happy,

130. and we're on our way to see Dr. Barbara.

131. Okay, so she's okay?

132. Yes, and your mom got a very well-deserved day off.

133. So, here's the thing, though, I left Michael at the gas station on Bennett.

134. Understood.

135. And his wallet and phone are on the seat next to me.

136. Got it.

137. I will put out an A.P.B.,

138. otherwise known as an "Ask Pam Beesly."

139. Did the phone cut out? Nope.

140. All right, just call me after the doctor. Okay.

141. All right, bye. Bye.

142. I know, I know. You have a phone policy. I understand.

143. But this is an emergency, because my friend isn't here,

144. and I'm worried that he has been abducted.

145. No. And...

146. No, he ditched you, man. I saw him drive away.

147. There's no way he ditched me.

148. There's no way that happened.

149. He's my... Okay. May I please just use your phone? Please?

150. Just make it quick. Thank you. Okay.

151. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick.

152. And you don't have my numbers on speed dial.

153. Okay, what is it?

154. You don't know. You don't... You know what?

155. I could dial 411, get Jim's number...

156. He left you here on purpose,

157. all right? I saw it.

158. He just drove away.

159. Actually, this is good.

160. I am going to take this opportunity

161. to go walk about.

162. Good, good.

163. No, get away.

164. No. That's enough.

165. Okay.

166. Okay.

167. It's the gas station on Bennett Street? Yeah.

168. You know what? Why don't you stay and I'll go?

169. Oh, no, no, no, I'll be fine.

170. It's kind of a sketchy neighborhood, though. I better come along.

171. Problem solved, everyone.

172. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael.

173. Unbelievable. I'm going.

174. You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.

175. Cute.

176. Very funny, everyone.

177. Who wrote captions under my doodle?

178. I'm not even kidding. They're pretty good.

179. Which one in particular? Yeah, which one?

180. Well, the first one has a surprise factor.

181. "I'm a suck, suck, suckity Sabre."

182. Booya!

183. No. No, no. No, no, no.

184. But I suppose the second one is the better written line.

185. You suppose? What's it say?

186. "I'm supposed to be wearing red gloves,

187. "but my color cartridge portal got jammed again."

188. Okay. No, no, no, no, no.

189. Gloves. Keep it real.

190. You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest,

191. I would have drawn something more challenging.

192. And I will take you all down. You?

193. I've been reading the comics to my daughter

194. since she was three years old.

195. Not once have I used the real captions to Family Circus.

196. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason, me.

197. It is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean John in Bhutan.

198. Yes. You guys, I have the perfect idea.

199. Okay, it'll just take me 10 minutes.

200. All right. I want to do it.

201. Male, Caucasian, 40s, black hair, facial type, marsupial.

202. He answers to Michael, Michael G. Scott,

203. Michael J. Fox, Mr. Fox, the Incredible Mr. Fox...

204. Yeah, he just left. Which way did he go?

205. Okay, hey, hey, hey, let me answer this.

206. Stupid question. He went back to the office, obviously, which is that way.

207. Oh, really? You don't think he walked by that bakery just for the smell of it?

208. She's right. He went that way.

209. All right.

210. Don't get a swelled head. You're no tracker.

211. Let's ride.

212. Hey, you guys. Listen to me.

213. Don't get hung up on just one girl,

214. because there are a lot of other girls out there.

215. Look over there. See?

216. They look cute.

217. Hello.

218. You guys are so beautiful.

219. You're so colorful.

220. I wish I could understand you.

221. That's a metaphor, I guess.

222. You are disgusting. You'll never find love.

223. Do you think she needs more time, or it's just never gonna happen?

224. I'm being serious. Seriously.

225. Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Has Michael checked in?

226. Oh, hey, Dwight. I asked you a question.

227. No, he hasn't. Okay, bye.

228. No, wait. Hey, while you're out,

229. could you pick up some paper towels and chocolate syrup?

230. We have ice cream, so I thought we could...

231. Pam, this isn't a shopping trip. No.

232. This is a manhunt/rescue mission.

233. Okay, I just... When you're done, or any time it's convenient,

234. I just thought since you're out...

235. Pam, I'm obviously gonna get that stuff for you, so just shut up. God.

236. Okay, well, it wasn't...

237. No word from Michael.

238. Ta-daa!

239. Okay, it's two giant dogs with two giant palm trees

240. on a regular-sized island.

241. Oh, I got one. Yeah?

242. Yes. Okay, I'm sorry,

243. but I'm gonna have to shut this down.

244. Why?

245. Unless we can all agree to some ground rules.

246. It's either that, or I can fax this to Jo

247. and let her decide how to proceed.

248. Gabe, tell us your stupid rules so we can start the game.

249. Number one, and this should be obvious,

250. no captions that insult the company we work for.

251. Irony is such a critical...

252. Number two,

253. no pop culture references.

254. Seriously? Wow.

255. I think we can all agree they tend to alienate those

256. who don't get the reference, making them feel like the other.

257. Wrap it up, Gabe.

258. Okay, final thing, and this is a fun one,

259. instead of writing the caption directly under the picture,

260. let's all try using Sticky Quips.

261. All right? New from Dunder Mifflin Sabre.

262. Sticky Quips are fun. They're safe. They're handy.

263. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-it notes

264. when I'm in a fun mood.

265. Not every day.

266. Go get 'em. Start quipping.

267. Hmm.

268. Pam, I think I'm gonna send you an IM.

269. Oh, okay.

270. Send me one, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, put me on that.

271. Cc. Ditto.

272. Hello. I would like a hot dog, please.

273. Now, I don't have any money,

274. so here is what I would like to do.

275. I leave you here with my watch,

276. and I come back later and I pay for the hot dog.

277. I'm not a pawn shop.

278. Well, I understand that, but this is a $45 watch.

279. Wow. With that, I could buy half the menu.

280. I can't just go giving away hot dogs. All right.

281. What do you do with the hot dogs that you don't sell?

282. Throw 'em away. Well, okay,

283. instead of throwing them all away later,

284. why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth?

285. No.

286. Okay. You've just lost my business.

287. Hey. Hey, you were in there forever.

288. There's too many brands. Where's Holly?

289. She wandered off like an idiot.

290. Hey. Hey.

291. What are you doing? Just changing my cell phone plan.

292. Okay. Okay. Here you go.

293. I'll take my free stress ball too now.

294. Sure thing. Here you go, Miss...

295. Okay, Fanny Smellmore.

296. Real original. What?

297. You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me.

298. Tootenbacher.

299. Orville Tootenbacher, that's Michael's millionaire character that

300. farts popcorn. Farts popcorn.

301. Of course. He was here.

302. She's the key. Amazing.

303. Holly.

304. Hey, where would you like to go next?

305. Holly?

306. Are their egg rolls really that big?

307. Oh, boy. That was yummy.

308. Thank you so much.

309. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car.

310. Do you mind if I run out and get it?

311. No problem. Okay.

312. I'll be right back.

313. God! Okay, you know what?

314. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

315. I don't have my wallet. And I was...

316. I was gonna try to dine and dash, and that was stupid,

317. and I realize I can't do that to you fine people.

318. So, you can't pay for your food?

319. Well, I can, but I will have to come back later tonight

320. and pay you.

321. But the point is I did the right thing.

322. You did not.

323. You have no money, but you dined, and you dined so much.

324. Well, the number three is not such a giant feast.

325. Mr. Choo! Okay.

326. All right. You know what?

327. You're trying to steal food from us? I am not.

328. I just have had a bad day, and I...

329. Okay. I'll be back later with the money. I'm just gonna leave right now.

330. You can't. We'll stop you.

331. Well, I think I can get through the door.

332. Excuse me, do you speak English?

333. We are looking for a man,

334. Michael, this tall, black hair, Caucasian.

335. It's Michael!

336. He just left.

337. You knew. What?

338. No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll.

339. What... What are you implying?

340. Uncanny.

341. Put a pin in that.

342. Which way did he go?

343. That guy, when he leave here,

344. which way did he go? We looking for him.

345. This way? This way? This way? I don't know. Do you know?

346. I think he was heading downtown.

347. He's heading downtown.

348. So what, no one's even gonna try?

349. Guess not. Oh, come on.

350. My rules could not possibly have been that oppressive.

351. You crushed our spirits, Gabe.

352. Congrats. You're a big man, huh?

353. Takes a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people.

354. Hey...

355. Click the "X." I'm clicking!

356. In the box. I am clicking.

357. Woman, you've had a computer for years! Phyllis!

358. Too late!

359. Oh, huh, an IM chat. Very clever. I'll just print that out.

360. Come on, guys. Grow up.

361. I don't want to be your babysitter.

362. "Darn it, Bob, I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat."

363. Nice! No, not nice.

364. Terrible.

365. Doesn't even include the fact that they're dogs.

366. Do the next one. "Wake up, Fred.

367. "The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma,

368. "and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island."

369. Dreaming he's a dog on an island.

370. Uh, excuse me, excuse me.

371. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming?

372. Well, if you think it's so easy, Gabe, why don't you try it?

373. Um...

374. You don't have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob.

375. I'm the only one here.

376. That's tasteless, Gabe.

377. Tasteless? Tasteless.

378. More tasteless than this?

379. "Is that a palm tree, or did Gabe get skinnier?

380. "Either way, let's pee on it."

381. I like that.

382. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.

383. Yes. Yes. Well done!

384. Whose is it? Who wrote that?

385. Yeah. Who wrote it?

386. Please. It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe.

387. Where did he go, Holly?

388. I have no idea.

389. Do you see a little clown that you wanna follow, huh?

390. Is there a little bird that's chirping to you, "This way, this way"?

391. I don't know.

392. Okay. Close your eyes.

393. We need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now?

394. Can you tell him that we miss him?

395. Michael, we're coming for you!

396. Will you stop?

397. There have been a few coincidences, that's all!

398. All right, then.

399. Someone propose a plan. Okay.

400. We fan out... Not you, Erin.

401. Stop looking at me like that.

402. Okay, look, let's just go up somewhere high

403. and see if we could spot him on the street below.

404. That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. No.

405. Tap into your common mind, and tell us what he would do next.

406. Look, I'm not playing. I'm gonna go look for him.

407. Good. We don't need her. Right.

408. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael.

409. All right...

410. I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine.

411. A torpedo's coming right at me.

412. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination.

413. Maybe he's bowling.

414. Michael?

415. Hi.

416. How did you know I was up here?

417. What are you doing up here?

418. I got turned around.

419. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin?

420. Yeah.

421. Wow!

422. I just miss you so much.

423. I missed you, too.

424. Really?

425. Yeah.

426. Can I kiss you?

427. Yeah. Okay.

428. Maybe that's not the best one. Keep reading.

429. Yeah, it was. Maybe it wasn't.

430. "Oh, thank God, I had a horrible nightmare

431. "that I was stuck in America with Gabe."

432. No, that's not the one I was thinking of. Keep going.

433. "I know what it smells like, but I didn't roll in anything.

434. "It's from listening to all of Gabe's..."

435. "Isn't this the perfect romantic getaway, Erin?

436. "Sitting on a desert island in dog costumes?

437. "I'm Gabe, and I'm a weirdo."

438. "Gabe's mom. Hmm, Gabe's mom?

439. "Wait, tall woman? Looks like Gabe?

440. "Yeah, I banged her."

441. Yeah, there you go.