1. I'm not picking on you at all.
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2. You're English, correct?
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3. Yeah, big time, yeah.
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4. I'm working
on an English character.
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5. Would you mind gi...
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6. it's called Reginald Pooftah.
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7. David Brent, my liege.
How are you?
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8. - Michael Scott.
- Oh, there you go.
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9. I do characters as well.
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10. I got a Chinese fella.
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11. He's called ho me.
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12. That's what it sounds like.
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13. - Herrow! Herrow!
- I do ping.
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14. Herrow. I ping.
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15. You can't do that
these days. You can't.
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16. No, no, no. And people
don't understand
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17. that it has nothing to do
with making fun
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18. of a different nationality.
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19. No, no, no.
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20. No, comedy is a place
where the mind goes
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21. to tickle itself.
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22. That's what she said.
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23. That's good.
Pleasure to meet you.
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24. - Where are you working?
- Dunder Mifflin.
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25. - Any jobs now?
- No, not right now.
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26. - Just let me know.
- All right.
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27. All right.
See ya around.
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28. Bye-bye.
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29. What a nice guy.
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30. Your first student is here,
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31. mister Bernard.
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32. That's actually
"master of ceremonies" Bernard.
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33. Last year, I went to a seminar
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34. called "the ten secrets
of real estate."
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35. Turns out it was just a ploy
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36. to sell me
time-shares in Idaho.
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37. Cut to, you know, I'm spending
a weekend in Boise,
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38. terrible time, super lonely.
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39. But I get to thinking
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40. maybe I should put on
my own seminar
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41. to lure clients.
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42. Oh, it's...
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43. Hello, I am here
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44. for the small business seminar.
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45. Michael?
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46. Neii'm Greek!
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47. My name is Mikanos.
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48. Wait, Michael?
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49. Michael?
Okay.
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50. I am the plant.
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51. Every great seminar has one.
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52. My job is to make
the speaker look good,
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53. and I do this
through the techniques
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54. of leading questions
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55. and laughing at all jokes.
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56. And the character, Mikanos,
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57. is just a little added Flava.
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58. Mikanos is loosely based on
another character I do, Spiros,
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59. who is more about the ladies.
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60. Thank you so much, tuna Turner.
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61. You are simply the best.
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62. Listen, this isn't
a favor, all right?
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63. This is a good idea.
We all win.
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64. Go higher.
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65. I get super flexible
when I'm nervous.
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66. Wow.
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67. Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.
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68. Hey, Andy, I'm really,
really sorry to do this to you,
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69. but I have a meeting today
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70. that I totally forgot,
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71. so I can't be
a part of this seminar.
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72. No. What?
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73. You can't do that.
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74. You are a critical part
of this seminar.
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75. You're the charming warm-up guy.
- I know.
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76. - If the seminar was a meal,
you'd be the amuse-bouche.
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77. You, like, signal
the flavors of the whole night.
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78. I'm really sorry.
I can't do it
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79. you can't. You can't.
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80. I can't have this go badly.
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81. I'm a terrible salesman,
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82. and I haven't been
making very many sales lately,
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83. or ever.
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84. This is my only idea
on how to turn things around.
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85. If it goes badly,
I might lose my job,
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86. which would suck,
because this is
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87. the only job
I've ever been good at.
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88. Will you let me know
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89. when this
whole seminar thing's over?
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90. What's going on?
Do you know that guy?
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91. I just have a meeting,
uh, outside the office.
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92. Hey.
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93. How are the marks?
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94. What are some
of your small business ideas?
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95. I was thinking we could buy up
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96. a bunch
of abandoned mineshafts.
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97. That's great.
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98. There's a big,
big future in that.
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99. A lot of mines in Scranton.
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100. Um, what about you?
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101. - Uh, credit cards.
- Uh-huh.
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102. My company will act
as an intermedium
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103. for, like, 0.2 cents
off every transaction.
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104. Wow!
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105. Or something with cell phones,
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106. like, every time
you make a phone call,
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107. I'd make 0.2 cents.
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108. Or anything... like,
any online shopping,
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109. I get.2 cents basically.
Right.
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110. Okay? Okay.
Great.
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111. You promised us whales.
These are worms.
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112. They're not worms,
Dwight, okay?
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113. They're just people
with tiny businesses.
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114. They're baby whales,
which is even cuter.
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115. I'm out.
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116. Stanley, you're
supposed to close.
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117. I'm out, too.
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118. What?
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119. I already lost Jim.
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120. Salesmen are supposed
to help each other out.
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121. We're supposed to be a team.
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122. We're no more a team
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123. than the people staying
in the same hotel are a team.
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124. You know
what might be kind of fun?
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125. I was thinking, you know
Andy's having a seminar today?
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126. What if we went in
as a Greek couple?
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127. Mikanos and...
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128. Oh, I don't know, Michael.
I'm not feeling up to that.
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129. Okay.
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130. Holly broke up
with a.J. Last week,
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131. which is the greatest thing
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132. that has ever happened...
To me.
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133. To Holly, it's been
the worst week of her life,
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134. and I know for a fact
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135. that there was a week
for her in High School
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136. when she got mono
and her first period ever.
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137. Too much information?
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138. That's what I thought.
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139. But you know what?
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140. Here I am using it.
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141. If-a you change-a you mind,
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142. why don't you talk to mikanos?
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143. Is mikanos Greek?
He sounds Italian.
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144. Ugh. You're the fifth person
to tell me that today.
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145. Maybe mikanos ran away
to join the Italian circus.
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146. Okay, yeah,
like a character history.
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147. Good.
Tom Hanks does that.
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148. Down... There.
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149. Is "JLP" a word?
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150. - "Jelp"? J-e-l-p?
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151. - No, j-l-p.
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152. Like, "I JLP...
I JLP you!"
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153. I don't think that's a word.
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154. I'm playing scrabble with Gabe,
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155. and I've never won a game.
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156. The winner gets to pick
the movie we watch.
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157. I have won no games.
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158. So far I've seen
the shining,
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159. Rosemary's baby,
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160. the ring.
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161. Not really my thing.
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162. Although, I...
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163. I do like the early parts
of the movies
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164. where they have
a perfect family and everything.
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165. You want some help?
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166. Really?
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167. Yes.
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168. - K-a. "Ka"?
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169. What does "ka" mean?
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170. It means you're playing someone
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171. who's going to destroy you.
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172. Why did you play "moo"?
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173. Because I'm playing to win.
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174. I'm playing "moo,"
I'm playing "milk,
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175. whatever it takes.
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176. Okay, but look,
you could have hit "mood."
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177. Would have played a...
Uh!
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178. A triple word.
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179. Like the cow mood yesterday.
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180. God.
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181. Or moon.
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182. The cow jumped over the moon.
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183. No, it doesn't have to
just be cow stuff, right?
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184. Kevin, Jim dropped
out of my seminar,
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185. and I'm just...
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186. I was wondering
if you could replace him
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187. as my charming warm-up guy.
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188. Andy, I'm no Jim.
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189. The only way that I'm Jim
is in the movie version
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190. when Jim sees
what his future would be like
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191. if he never met Pam.
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192. Hey, that's crazy talk.
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193. I think you're great.
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194. Then I won't let you down.
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195. - Cake.
- In you go.
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196. Hi, Ryan, you went
to business school, right?
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197. - Yeah.
- I need someone
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198. to talk to this seminar
about business.
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199. - And?
- Can you do it?
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200. Okay. I don't... I don't
like committing to things
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201. just like that.
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202. So no?
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203. No, I don't like committing
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204. to not doing things, either.
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205. That's just
as big a commitment.
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206. Oh, baby.
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207. What do I put
you down for, bro hombre?
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208. Yes.
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209. - All right!
- Yes, I'll do it.
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210. Okay, thank you so much.
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211. It's gonna be awesome.
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212. - And if I flake, I flake.
- What?
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213. Kevin, you open it up.
Yep.
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214. Ryan, you come in
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215. with your small biz
expertise, right?
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216. And then creed,
guest speaker extraordinaire.
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217. And then I come in and just
close all the sales and stuff.
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218. Um, okay, here we go.
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219. One, two, three!
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220. - Go.
- Creed!
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221. Welcome everybody. Awesome to see
you guys. My name's Andy Bernard,
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222. but you can call me
the nard dog.
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223. Hi, nard dog.
I'm Lu Peachem.
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224. Let's get things started,
shall we?
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225. You guys ready to hear
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226. from the dunder Mifflin
business experts?
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227. Good. Well, as you can see
on your program,
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228. first up is a speech called,
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229. "don't just dream it,
do it."
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230. Yes! Please give
a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone.
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231. All aboard!
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232. Three, four, five.
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233. Yes!
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234. There are some people
who have charm
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235. and some people who don't.
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236. Guess which type I am.
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237. Charm type.
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238. Dream... Big.
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239. Right?
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240. So what I want you to do
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241. is dream the biggest
that you c... An.
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242. And then double it!
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243. Are you okay?
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244. No. Yes!
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245. - Here.
- N...
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246. I'm fine.
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247. Okay, from here now.
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248. The first lesson
that I'm gonna teach you,
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249. right, is
about finding success.
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250. And the key to finding success
is to picture a winner.
Copy !req
251. Okay, so then, what
are you picturing right now,
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252. right this second?
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253. 'Cause the universe
is yours, people.
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254. Get out of the way.
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255. I'm really excited
to introduce you guys
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256. to Ryan Howard.
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257. He has achieved
a great deal in the last...
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258. but perhaps
no achievement is greater
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259. than his on-again,
off-again girlfriend.
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260. What are you...
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261. who am I?
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262. I'm Kelly Kapoor,
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263. the business bitch.
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264. It is important
to brand yourself,
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265. so I have a couple
of things in the works.
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266. The business bitch,
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267. the diet bitch,
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268. the shopping bitch,
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269. the etiquette bitch.
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270. I could sit here,
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271. and I could tell you
the ten secrets of business,
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272. and you would have
a great time,
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273. and you would learn a lot.
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274. But who better to tell you
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275. than the Yale university
adjunct Professor in management,
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276. Professor Scott Powell,
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277. who I have on my BlackBerry.
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278. It's ringing.
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279. Hey, Kelly Kapoor.
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280. What a delicious surprise.
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281. Professor Powell,
you are on speakerphone.
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282. Uh, why?
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283. Do you think you could tell us
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284. the ten secrets of business?
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285. Um, there aren't
really ten secrets.
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286. Come on, Scott, please.
It's me.
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287. Um, all right.
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288. Well, um,
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289. I guess know your market
would be key.
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290. Practice fiscal discipline.
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291. - Mm-hmm.
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292. That brilliant little bitch.
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293. A little treat
for our old friend, Gabe.
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294. Put that "q" right there.
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295. Wait. Why?
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296. Put the "q" there, sweetie.
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297. - I think there's better...
- Put the "q" there!
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298. Sorry I yelled.
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299. You could have just
told us what you were thinking.
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300. There's no theater in that.
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301. There's no yelling
in that, either.
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302. Well...
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303. What do you do
in your free time?
Copy !req
304. Practice Olympics.
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305. Mmm.
Do you like movies?
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306. I like
the musical grease,
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307. or as we call it "home."
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308. We have to try
this out on somebody.
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309. Hello.
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310. Look, you want
to order something?
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311. She will have a greekaccino.
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312. I don't know what that is.
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313. It...
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314. It's a very strong coffee
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315. with milk from a goat.
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316. I can't believe-ee.
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317. It's a miracle.
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318. She can talk!
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319. No more brain damage.
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320. No more brain damage!
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321. I don't know.
Copy !req
322. Ladies and gentlemen,
Copy !req
323. our special guest speaker
will provoke you.
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324. He will inspire you.
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325. He is...
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326. Creed Bratton.
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327. Two eyes, two ears,
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328. a chin, a mouth,
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329. ten fingers, two nipples.
Copy !req
330. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis.
Copy !req
331. I have just described to you
Copy !req
332. the loch ness monster.
Copy !req
333. And the reward for its capture?
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334. All the riches in Scotland.
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335. So I have one question:
Copy !req
336. Why are you here?
Copy !req
337. Okay!
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338. All right,
ladies and gentlemen,
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339. it is now time
for the rarest of things,
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340. an actual free lunch.
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341. There's sandwiches in the back.
Certainly help yourselves.
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342. We'll meet back up in an hour.
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343. I picked out our movie.
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344. It's called suspiria.
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345. It pushes all the boundaries.
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346. All your preconceived notions
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347. about what horror can be
come crashing down.
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348. - When I win...
- Ooh.
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349. - We're gonna watch wall-e,
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350. where all the boundaries
of color are pushed.
Copy !req
351. It is hard to explain
Copy !req
352. why Erin is doing
so well today.
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353. The only thing I can think
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354. is Erin is living out
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355. some slumdog millionaire
scenario,
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356. where every word she's playing
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357. has a connection
to her orphan past.
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358. It's possible.
Copy !req
359. So what's your crazy
business pipe dream?
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360. Well, I started
my own golf supply company.
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361. Really?
Copy !req
362. It's taken off
faster than I expected,
Copy !req
363. so I came here to learn about
creating manageable growth.
Copy !req
364. - Phyllis?
- Hmm?
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365. Some of these people
are for real.
Copy !req
366. Hey, friend.
How's it going?
Copy !req
367. Oh, you know what?
Let me steep that for you.
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368. Thank you.
Copy !req
369. Hey, you know what?
Copy !req
370. Good news.
We're back in.
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371. Let's go sell
some paper, buddy. Huh?
Copy !req
372. Really?
Copy !req
373. Ahem!
Copy !req
374. - Excuse me.
- I got it. I got it.
Copy !req
375. Hey, do you need a lozenge?
Copy !req
376. They're a bunch a jackals.
Copy !req
377. What?
Copy !req
378. They left you in the lurch,
Copy !req
379. and if they want to jump in,
Copy !req
380. it means you're almost there.
Copy !req
381. You did this.
Copy !req
382. Bring it home.
Copy !req
383. Let me tell you what you can do
Copy !req
384. with your offer to help.
Copy !req
385. You can table it
and offer it up another time.
Copy !req
386. Just know that I really
appreciate the gesture.
Copy !req
387. Hi. Hope you
enjoyed your lunch.
Copy !req
388. Welcome back.
Copy !req
389. Ooh. Well, hello.
Copy !req
390. Welcome to the seminar.
Copy !req
391. Hey, man.
What's goin' on?
Copy !req
392. You're gonna blow it.
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393. Maybe.
Copy !req
394. Only maybe.
Copy !req
395. I got it.
Copy !req
396. Oscar, wait.
I think the victory
Copy !req
397. would be more meaningful
Copy !req
398. if Erin puts the last word
in herself.
Copy !req
399. Yes, Pam.
Copy !req
400. Yes, most definitely.
Copy !req
401. Yes.
Yes.
Copy !req
402. Ah! No
Copy !req
403. Although I must say,
I will have apoplexy
Copy !req
404. if you lose.
Copy !req
405. Do you understand?
Copy !req
406. Apoplexy is what I will have.
Copy !req
407. Apoplexy.
Copy !req
408. - Yes.
- Got it.
Copy !req
409. Oh, Oscar.
Copy !req
410. Oscar?
Copy !req
411. I played "ape."
Copy !req
412. I just want to make
a point to that last caller.
Copy !req
413. I disagree.
Copy !req
414. I don't think it is
the running game at all.
Copy !req
415. I think we do have to make
a few moves in this off-season.
Copy !req
416. Wow!
Copy !req
417. What a day, right?
Copy !req
418. Guess you guys
are probably ready to go.
Copy !req
419. And you got
my business card, so...
Copy !req
420. Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
Copy !req
421. You know, I like you.
Copy !req
422. I'm going to give you
my secret gyro recipe.
Copy !req
423. Come out here
Copy !req
424. since it's a secret,
and I'll tell you.
Copy !req
425. All right,
you have to close right now.
Copy !req
426. Yeah, I mean,
I'm getting to it.
Copy !req
427. No, you're not.
You're getting past it.
Copy !req
428. You have to close.
You can do it.
Copy !req
429. Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
430. Andy, what's the problem?
Copy !req
431. This is hard for me.
I'm a nice guy.
Copy !req
432. You know,
Kelly and creed, Kevin,
Copy !req
433. they believe in you.
Copy !req
434. Don't let them down.
Copy !req
435. Don't let yourself down, Andy.
Copy !req
436. I'm gonna go back in.
Copy !req
437. I'm going to stall them
for a little bit.
Copy !req
438. I want you
to get your head together,
Copy !req
439. and then come back in.
Copy !req
440. I want you to close.
Copy !req
441. What is taking
that guy so long?
Copy !req
442. Psst.
Copy !req
443. You think this thing's
gonna go much longer?
Copy !req
444. I don't know.
They're still in there.
Copy !req
445. Ohh! Good-bye.
Copy !req
446. Stop.
Copy !req
447. Out with it.
Copy !req
448. Here's the story.
Copy !req
449. That guy in there
Copy !req
450. is Jim's childhood friend, tom.
Copy !req
451. Tom Witochkin.
Copy !req
452. One of my best buddies,
actually.
Copy !req
453. And when they were
both in the third grade,
Copy !req
454. Jim was placed
in the top reading group.
Copy !req
455. I was blue group,
so it was second from the top.
Copy !req
456. - And tom...
- Was in green group.
Copy !req
457. And Jim's mom suggested
Copy !req
458. that Jim spend time
hanging with the kids
Copy !req
459. in his reading group,
Copy !req
460. because she thought that
they would be a good influence.
Copy !req
461. And that's what I told him.
Copy !req
462. Right.
Copy !req
463. But how'd you say it?
Copy !req
464. "My mom thinks you're too dumb
to hang out with."
Copy !req
465. Okay, who would like
to purchase
Copy !req
466. this small business package
from me right now?
Copy !req
467. Yes, we got one.
Copy !req
468. Okay, the snowball is rolling.
Copy !req
469. Who else?
Copy !req
470. You can put it off
for a couple of days,
Copy !req
471. but I guarantee you,
Copy !req
472. eventually you're gonna realize
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473. you need this.
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474. So the only thing
that's gonna be different
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475. is you'll be
a couple of days behind
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476. where you would be if you bought
this from me right now.
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477. So who's gonna
buy one right now?
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478. I'll take one.
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479. Yes! Awesome!
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480. All right, anyone else?
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481. Sold!
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482. Anybody else?
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483. Yes! All right!
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484. - Yeah, bitch.
- Good choice.
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485. The rest of you are dead to me.
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486. You made the stupidest decisions
of your life.
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487. No, no, no.
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488. But it was
a pleasure meeting you,
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489. and you've got my information,
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490. so feel free to call anytime.
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491. Hey, you think it's cool
if I grab a soda?
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492. Yeah. Whoa.
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493. Yep, absolutely, go ahead.
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494. Hey.
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495. Hey.
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496. How's it goin'?
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497. - Pretty good.
- It's been a while.
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498. It has been, yeah.
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499. So you work here, huh?
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500. Sales.
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501. Must be a front
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502. for some kind
of famous laboratory.
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503. 'Cause you're so smart.
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504. Oh, man.
You remember that, huh?
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505. Oh, barely.
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506. I'm so dumb,
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507. you know, stuff goes in,
stuff goes out.
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508. Not like you probably remember
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509. every paper sale you ever made.
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510. Paper salesman genius.
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511. - All right,
good catch-up.
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512. - Yeah.
- See ya.
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513. Where's your jetpack,
Zuckerberg?
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514. Andy.
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515. I didn't think
you had it in ya.
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516. Well, I guess
when you looked in me,
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517. you forgot about my balls.
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518. They're on the outside.
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519. Don't know how you missed 'em.
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520. Wonderful seminar!
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521. Almost as good
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522. as the day when we first met.
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523. You are the love of my life.
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524. Come to me, necropolis.
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525. Put your lips on my lips.
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526. Come on.
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527. Michael, I should
get back to work.
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528. What? Come on.
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529. It's time for grapes.
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530. Real fun day.
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531. - So, I won.
- I know.
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532. You get to pick.
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533. Well, that's actually what
I came to talk to you about.
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534. I know how much
you want to watch wall-e.
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535. Yes?
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536. So I got us a compromise.
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537. This movie is called hardware,
it tells the story of a killer
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538. combat robot, just like wall-e
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539. that the government invented
to destroy humans.
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540. It's some of what you like
and some of what I like.
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541. I heard you talked
about movies before
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542. there's a Shrek 2?
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543. Oh, yeah.
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544. Nice guy.
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