The Office 7x14

Directed by Michael Spiller

Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

An emergency call from Helene forces Jim to abandon Michael at a gas station restroom, and Holly, Erin, and Dwight set out to rescue him. Gabe becomes offended at submissions to caption Pam's latest work of art.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I'm not picking on you at all.

2. You're English, correct?

3. Yeah, big time, yeah.

4. I'm working on an English character.

5. Would you mind gi...

6. it's called Reginald Pooftah.

7. David Brent, my liege. How are you?

8. - Michael Scott. - Oh, there you go.

9. I do characters as well.

10. I got a Chinese fella.

11. He's called ho me.

12. That's what it sounds like.

13. - Herrow! Herrow! - I do ping.

14. Herrow. I ping.

15. You can't do that these days. You can't.

16. No, no, no. And people don't understand

17. that it has nothing to do with making fun

18. of a different nationality.

19. No, no, no.

20. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes

21. to tickle itself.

22. That's what she said.

23. That's good. Pleasure to meet you.

24. - Where are you working? - Dunder Mifflin.

25. - Any jobs now? - No, not right now.

26. - Just let me know. - All right.

27. All right. See ya around.

28. Bye-bye.

29. What a nice guy.

30. Your first student is here,

31. mister Bernard.

32. That's actually "master of ceremonies" Bernard.

33. Last year, I went to a seminar

34. called "the ten secrets of real estate."

35. Turns out it was just a ploy

36. to sell me time-shares in Idaho.

37. Cut to, you know, I'm spending a weekend in Boise,

38. terrible time, super lonely.

39. But I get to thinking

40. maybe I should put on my own seminar

41. to lure clients.

42. Oh, it's...

43. Hello, I am here

44. for the small business seminar.

45. Michael?

46. Neii'm Greek!

47. My name is Mikanos.

48. Wait, Michael?

49. Michael? Okay.

50. I am the plant.

51. Every great seminar has one.

52. My job is to make the speaker look good,

53. and I do this through the techniques

54. of leading questions

55. and laughing at all jokes.

56. And the character, Mikanos,

57. is just a little added Flava.

58. Mikanos is loosely based on another character I do, Spiros,

59. who is more about the ladies.

60. Thank you so much, tuna Turner.

61. You are simply the best.

62. Listen, this isn't a favor, all right?

63. This is a good idea. We all win.

64. Go higher.

65. I get super flexible when I'm nervous.

66. Wow.

67. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

68. Hey, Andy, I'm really, really sorry to do this to you,

69. but I have a meeting today

70. that I totally forgot,

71. so I can't be a part of this seminar.

72. No. What?

73. You can't do that.

74. You are a critical part of this seminar.

75. You're the charming warm-up guy. - I know.

76. - If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche.

77. You, like, signal the flavors of the whole night.

78. I'm really sorry. I can't do it

79. you can't. You can't.

80. I can't have this go badly.

81. I'm a terrible salesman,

82. and I haven't been making very many sales lately,

83. or ever.

84. This is my only idea on how to turn things around.

85. If it goes badly, I might lose my job,

86. which would suck, because this is

87. the only job I've ever been good at.

88. Will you let me know

89. when this whole seminar thing's over?

90. What's going on? Do you know that guy?

91. I just have a meeting, uh, outside the office.

92. Hey.

93. How are the marks?

94. What are some of your small business ideas?

95. I was thinking we could buy up

96. a bunch of abandoned mineshafts.

97. That's great.

98. There's a big, big future in that.

99. A lot of mines in Scranton.

100. Um, what about you?

101. - Uh, credit cards. - Uh-huh.

102. My company will act as an intermedium

103. for, like, 0.2 cents off every transaction.

104. Wow!

105. Or something with cell phones,

106. like, every time you make a phone call,

107. I'd make 0.2 cents.

108. Or anything... like, any online shopping,

109. I get.2 cents basically. Right.

110. Okay? Okay. Great.

111. You promised us whales. These are worms.

112. They're not worms, Dwight, okay?

113. They're just people with tiny businesses.

114. They're baby whales, which is even cuter.

115. I'm out.

116. Stanley, you're supposed to close.

117. I'm out, too.

118. What?

119. I already lost Jim.

120. Salesmen are supposed to help each other out.

121. We're supposed to be a team.

122. We're no more a team

123. than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.

124. You know what might be kind of fun?

125. I was thinking, you know Andy's having a seminar today?

126. What if we went in as a Greek couple?

127. Mikanos and...

128. Oh, I don't know, Michael. I'm not feeling up to that.

129. Okay.

130. Holly broke up with a.J. Last week,

131. which is the greatest thing

132. that has ever happened... To me.

133. To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life,

134. and I know for a fact

135. that there was a week for her in High School

136. when she got mono and her first period ever.

137. Too much information?

138. That's what I thought.

139. But you know what?

140. Here I am using it.

141. If-a you change-a you mind,

142. why don't you talk to mikanos?

143. Is mikanos Greek? He sounds Italian.

144. Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today.

145. Maybe mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus.

146. Okay, yeah, like a character history.

147. Good. Tom Hanks does that.

148. Down... There.

149. Is "JLP" a word?

150. - "Jelp"? J-e-l-p?

151. - No, j-l-p.

152. Like, "I JLP... I JLP you!"

153. I don't think that's a word.

154. I'm playing scrabble with Gabe,

155. and I've never won a game.

156. The winner gets to pick the movie we watch.

157. I have won no games.

158. So far I've seen the shining,

159. Rosemary's baby,

160. the ring.

161. Not really my thing.

162. Although, I...

163. I do like the early parts of the movies

164. where they have a perfect family and everything.

165. You want some help?

166. Really?

167. Yes.

168. - K-a. "Ka"?

169. What does "ka" mean?

170. It means you're playing someone

171. who's going to destroy you.

172. Why did you play "moo"?

173. Because I'm playing to win.

174. I'm playing "moo," I'm playing "milk,

175. whatever it takes.

176. Okay, but look, you could have hit "mood."

177. Would have played a... Uh!

178. A triple word.

179. Like the cow mood yesterday.

180. God.

181. Or moon.

182. The cow jumped over the moon.

183. No, it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?

184. Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar,

185. and I'm just...

186. I was wondering if you could replace him

187. as my charming warm-up guy.

188. Andy, I'm no Jim.

189. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version

190. when Jim sees what his future would be like

191. if he never met Pam.

192. Hey, that's crazy talk.

193. I think you're great.

194. Then I won't let you down.

195. - Cake. - In you go.

196. Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right?

197. - Yeah. - I need someone

198. to talk to this seminar about business.

199. - And? - Can you do it?

200. Okay. I don't... I don't like committing to things

201. just like that.

202. So no?

203. No, I don't like committing

204. to not doing things, either.

205. That's just as big a commitment.

206. Oh, baby.

207. What do I put you down for, bro hombre?

208. Yes.

209. - All right! - Yes, I'll do it.

210. Okay, thank you so much.

211. It's gonna be awesome.

212. - And if I flake, I flake. - What?

213. Kevin, you open it up. Yep.

214. Ryan, you come in

215. with your small biz expertise, right?

216. And then creed, guest speaker extraordinaire.

217. And then I come in and just close all the sales and stuff.

218. Um, okay, here we go.

219. One, two, three!

220. - Go. - Creed!

221. Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name's Andy Bernard,

222. but you can call me the nard dog.

223. Hi, nard dog. I'm Lu Peachem.

224. Let's get things started, shall we?

225. You guys ready to hear

226. from the dunder Mifflin business experts?

227. Good. Well, as you can see on your program,

228. first up is a speech called,

229. "don't just dream it, do it."

230. Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone.

231. All aboard!

232. Three, four, five.

233. Yes!

234. There are some people who have charm

235. and some people who don't.

236. Guess which type I am.

237. Charm type.

238. Dream... Big.

239. Right?

240. So what I want you to do

241. is dream the biggest that you c... An.

242. And then double it!

243. Are you okay?

244. No. Yes!

245. - Here. - N...

246. I'm fine.

247. Okay, from here now.

248. The first lesson that I'm gonna teach you,

249. right, is about finding success.

250. And the key to finding success is to picture a winner.

251. Okay, so then, what are you picturing right now,

252. right this second?

253. 'Cause the universe is yours, people.

254. Get out of the way.

255. I'm really excited to introduce you guys

256. to Ryan Howard.

257. He has achieved a great deal in the last...

258. but perhaps no achievement is greater

259. than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.

260. What are you...

261. who am I?

262. I'm Kelly Kapoor,

263. the business bitch.

264. It is important to brand yourself,

265. so I have a couple of things in the works.

266. The business bitch,

267. the diet bitch,

268. the shopping bitch,

269. the etiquette bitch.

270. I could sit here,

271. and I could tell you the ten secrets of business,

272. and you would have a great time,

273. and you would learn a lot.

274. But who better to tell you

275. than the Yale university adjunct Professor in management,

276. Professor Scott Powell,

277. who I have on my BlackBerry.

278. It's ringing.

279. Hey, Kelly Kapoor.

280. What a delicious surprise.

281. Professor Powell, you are on speakerphone.

282. Uh, why?

283. Do you think you could tell us

284. the ten secrets of business?

285. Um, there aren't really ten secrets.

286. Come on, Scott, please. It's me.

287. Um, all right.

288. Well, um,

289. I guess know your market would be key.

290. Practice fiscal discipline.

291. - Mm-hmm.

292. That brilliant little bitch.

293. A little treat for our old friend, Gabe.

294. Put that "q" right there.

295. Wait. Why?

296. Put the "q" there, sweetie.

297. - I think there's better... - Put the "q" there!

298. Sorry I yelled.

299. You could have just told us what you were thinking.

300. There's no theater in that.

301. There's no yelling in that, either.

302. Well...

303. What do you do in your free time?

304. Practice Olympics.

305. Mmm. Do you like movies?

306. I like the musical grease,

307. or as we call it "home."

308. We have to try this out on somebody.

309. Hello.

310. Look, you want to order something?

311. She will have a greekaccino.

312. I don't know what that is.

313. It...

314. It's a very strong coffee

315. with milk from a goat.

316. I can't believe-ee.

317. It's a miracle.

318. She can talk!

319. No more brain damage.

320. No more brain damage!

321. I don't know.

322. Ladies and gentlemen,

323. our special guest speaker will provoke you.

324. He will inspire you.

325. He is...

326. Creed Bratton.

327. Two eyes, two ears,

328. a chin, a mouth,

329. ten fingers, two nipples.

330. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis.

331. I have just described to you

332. the loch ness monster.

333. And the reward for its capture?

334. All the riches in Scotland.

335. So I have one question:

336. Why are you here?

337. Okay!

338. All right, ladies and gentlemen,

339. it is now time for the rarest of things,

340. an actual free lunch.

341. There's sandwiches in the back. Certainly help yourselves.

342. We'll meet back up in an hour.

343. I picked out our movie.

344. It's called suspiria.

345. It pushes all the boundaries.

346. All your preconceived notions

347. about what horror can be come crashing down.

348. - When I win... - Ooh.

349. - We're gonna watch wall-e,

350. where all the boundaries of color are pushed.

351. It is hard to explain

352. why Erin is doing so well today.

353. The only thing I can think

354. is Erin is living out

355. some slumdog millionaire scenario,

356. where every word she's playing

357. has a connection to her orphan past.

358. It's possible.

359. So what's your crazy business pipe dream?

360. Well, I started my own golf supply company.

361. Really?

362. It's taken off faster than I expected,

363. so I came here to learn about creating manageable growth.

364. - Phyllis? - Hmm?

365. Some of these people are for real.

366. Hey, friend. How's it going?

367. Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you.

368. Thank you.

369. Hey, you know what?

370. Good news. We're back in.

371. Let's go sell some paper, buddy. Huh?

372. Really?

373. Ahem!

374. - Excuse me. - I got it. I got it.

375. Hey, do you need a lozenge?

376. They're a bunch a jackals.

377. What?

378. They left you in the lurch,

379. and if they want to jump in,

380. it means you're almost there.

381. You did this.

382. Bring it home.

383. Let me tell you what you can do

384. with your offer to help.

385. You can table it and offer it up another time.

386. Just know that I really appreciate the gesture.

387. Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch.

388. Welcome back.

389. Ooh. Well, hello.

390. Welcome to the seminar.

391. Hey, man. What's goin' on?

392. You're gonna blow it.

393. Maybe.

394. Only maybe.

395. I got it.

396. Oscar, wait. I think the victory

397. would be more meaningful

398. if Erin puts the last word in herself.

399. Yes, Pam.

400. Yes, most definitely.

401. Yes. Yes.

402. Ah! No

403. Although I must say, I will have apoplexy

404. if you lose.

405. Do you understand?

406. Apoplexy is what I will have.

407. Apoplexy.

408. - Yes. - Got it.

409. Oh, Oscar.

410. Oscar?

411. I played "ape."

412. I just want to make a point to that last caller.

413. I disagree.

414. I don't think it is the running game at all.

415. I think we do have to make a few moves in this off-season.

416. Wow!

417. What a day, right?

418. Guess you guys are probably ready to go.

419. And you got my business card, so...

420. Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.

421. You know, I like you.

422. I'm going to give you my secret gyro recipe.

423. Come out here

424. since it's a secret, and I'll tell you.

425. All right, you have to close right now.

426. Yeah, I mean, I'm getting to it.

427. No, you're not. You're getting past it.

428. You have to close. You can do it.

429. Yeah, yeah.

430. Andy, what's the problem?

431. This is hard for me. I'm a nice guy.

432. You know, Kelly and creed, Kevin,

433. they believe in you.

434. Don't let them down.

435. Don't let yourself down, Andy.

436. I'm gonna go back in.

437. I'm going to stall them for a little bit.

438. I want you to get your head together,

439. and then come back in.

440. I want you to close.

441. What is taking that guy so long?

442. Psst.

443. You think this thing's gonna go much longer?

444. I don't know. They're still in there.

445. Ohh! Good-bye.

446. Stop.

447. Out with it.

448. Here's the story.

449. That guy in there

450. is Jim's childhood friend, tom.

451. Tom Witochkin.

452. One of my best buddies, actually.

453. And when they were both in the third grade,

454. Jim was placed in the top reading group.

455. I was blue group, so it was second from the top.

456. - And tom... - Was in green group.

457. And Jim's mom suggested

458. that Jim spend time hanging with the kids

459. in his reading group,

460. because she thought that they would be a good influence.

461. And that's what I told him.

462. Right.

463. But how'd you say it?

464. "My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with."

465. Okay, who would like to purchase

466. this small business package from me right now?

467. Yes, we got one.

468. Okay, the snowball is rolling.

469. Who else?

470. You can put it off for a couple of days,

471. but I guarantee you,

472. eventually you're gonna realize

473. you need this.

474. So the only thing that's gonna be different

475. is you'll be a couple of days behind

476. where you would be if you bought this from me right now.

477. So who's gonna buy one right now?

478. I'll take one.

479. Yes! Awesome!

480. All right, anyone else?

481. Sold!

482. Anybody else?

483. Yes! All right!

484. - Yeah, bitch. - Good choice.

485. The rest of you are dead to me.

486. You made the stupidest decisions of your life.

487. No, no, no.

488. But it was a pleasure meeting you,

489. and you've got my information,

490. so feel free to call anytime.

491. Hey, you think it's cool if I grab a soda?

492. Yeah. Whoa.

493. Yep, absolutely, go ahead.

494. Hey.

495. Hey.

496. How's it goin'?

497. - Pretty good. - It's been a while.

498. It has been, yeah.

499. So you work here, huh?

500. Sales.

501. Must be a front

502. for some kind of famous laboratory.

503. 'Cause you're so smart.

504. Oh, man. You remember that, huh?

505. Oh, barely.

506. I'm so dumb,

507. you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out.

508. Not like you probably remember

509. every paper sale you ever made.

510. Paper salesman genius.

511. - All right, good catch-up.

512. - Yeah. - See ya.

513. Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg?

514. Andy.

515. I didn't think you had it in ya.

516. Well, I guess when you looked in me,

517. you forgot about my balls.

518. They're on the outside.

519. Don't know how you missed 'em.

520. Wonderful seminar!

521. Almost as good

522. as the day when we first met.

523. You are the love of my life.

524. Come to me, necropolis.

525. Put your lips on my lips.

526. Come on.

527. Michael, I should get back to work.

528. What? Come on.

529. It's time for grapes.

530. Real fun day.

531. - So, I won. - I know.

532. You get to pick.

533. Well, that's actually what I came to talk to you about.

534. I know how much you want to watch wall-e.

535. Yes?

536. So I got us a compromise.

537. This movie is called hardware, it tells the story of a killer

538. combat robot, just like wall-e

539. that the government invented to destroy humans.

540. It's some of what you like and some of what I like.

541. I heard you talked about movies before

542. there's a Shrek 2?

543. Oh, yeah.

544. Nice guy.