The Office 7x13

1. Next up, Secretary Schrute

2. will read the minutes from Sunday's meeting.

3. Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night.

4. No, Jim. Hey.

5. Oh.

6. This meeting is for Knights of the Night only.

7. Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers.

8. We're often compared to the Guardian Angels,

9. but we could not be more different from them.

10. Seriously, we are nothing like the guardian angels.

11. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure.

12. Think Guardian Angels.

13. One of our many recent good deeds,

14. we set out to capture the Scranton Strangler.

15. Mission accomplished. Not by us.

16. I'm actually just looking for my Blackberry, so carry on.

17. No, no, no, no, no. I see how this movie ends.

18. You make fun of me, everyone laughs.

19. Ha, ha, ha. Screw you.

20. Dwight, don't be bothered by your friend's presence.

21. What are you gonna do now?

22. You gonna make fun of our leader's weird voice, huh?

23. Dwight, don't be bothered

24. vah, vee, vah, vah, vah.

25. Over the line, Jim.

26. I'm just looking for my phone,

27. - so pretend I'm not here. - Fine.

28. Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night—

29. It's our official name, Jim.

30. Sounds good.

31. One, attendance was taken.

32. Two, get well card for H. Williams

33. was passed around.

34. Want to make fun of that, Jim?

35. It's terminal. Is that funny to you?

36. No, that's awful.

37. Three, D. Schrute was awarded medal

38. for 500 miles patrolled.

39. Hey, all right.

40. That's not easy, right?

41. And the rest was just boilerplate stuff

42. - that's— - Go ahead and read it.

43. - Some people weren't here. - Okay.

44. Meeting interrupted by D. Schrute's coworker

45. who had forgotten Blackberry,

46. which you do every week, imbecile.

47. Leader reprimanded D. Schrute

48. for shouting insults at coworker.

49. Leader warned D. Schrute for the last time.

50. D. Schrute had allergy attack

51. which caused his eyes to briefly water.

52. Reflective strips were glued to patrol jackets.

53. Knights went outside with flashlights to test them.

54. Smart.

55. Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag.

56. Oh, come on. That sounds awesome.

57. - It was pretty cool. - Was it?

58. It was fun.

59. It was— It was pretty awesome.

60. Oooh!

61. Hey, yeah.

62. No, I got it.

63. Just leaving now.

64. January 3, 2011.

65. A day which will live infamously.

66. Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly,

67. otherwise-otherwise known as a living, breathing angel,

68. is engaged to another man.

69. This is freaking me out. I...

70. Okay, let's just switch to the happy video, okay?

71. No, no, no, no. Let's push through.

72. We'll do this.

73. Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life.

74. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum.

75. He either proposes by New Years or they break up.

76. Now if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy,

77. and I'm gonna start attacking people.

78. If she's not engaged, in all honesty,

79. I may just burn this whole place to the ground

80. out of happiness.

81. Either way, I am going to need some talking down,

82. and nobody talks me down like myself in a video

83. talking me down.

84. Michael, I know what you're thinking.

85. Holly is engaged to somebody else,

86. and you want to kill yourself.

87. That may seem like a good idea, but it's not.

88. Snot.

89. Sorry, it sounded like you said, "it's snot."

90. I'm so sorry.

91. Okay, so killing yourself...

92. I was just thinking about snot.

93. Good morning.

94. Hey, guys. Uh, fun thing.

95. The index cards on your desk are resolution cards.

96. You write your New Year's resolution on them,

97. I'll collect them, and then display the cards on...

98. This resolution board.

99. Wow, did your baby draw that?

100. The glitter is blinding.

101. - Oh, I think it's good. - It's gonna be fun.

102. I recently met Sue, the office administrator

103. at Vance Refrigeration.

104. She has this awesome wall

105. full of fun initiatives and morale boosters and stuff.

106. Sue just goes for it. She's awesome.

107. I know Sue, she's not that great.

108. And you know her husband's in a wheel chair, right?

109. - Okay, champagne. - Happy.

110. - Sponge. - Sad.

111. To soak up my tears.

112. Gummi bears and gummi worms.

113. Bears sad, worms happy. C'mon, man.

114. Ukulele's... happy?

115. Sad. Something to break.

116. Chocolates.

117. For you, job well done.

118. Thank you.

119. And two bottles of scotch.

120. Both sad.

121. And did you get the tickets?

122. I did, I did indeed.

123. Two front row center to Paula Poundstone,

124. live in Poughkeepsie. Holly's favorite.

125. I hope she doesn't call us up onstage.

126. That would suck.

127. Hey, you think you could do my job better?

128. I don't know. What's your name?

129. Michael.

130. I'm really excited for Michael either way.

131. Because if Holly chooses to be with him,

132. he will be so, so happy.

133. And if not, he'll be avoiding

134. the biggest mistake of his life.

135. Oh. Hey, guys.

136. I'd like to introduce you to a new little friend of mine.

137. His name is New Year's resolution board.

138. Shaaaaa—shut up. Hello.

139. - Good morning. - Good morning.

140. What happened? Is there a ring?

141. So, high five me. We're back.

142. To a happy— Aaaah.

143. Look at those.

144. Mittens. Those a present?

145. Come on.

146. - They're warm. - Those are so fuzzy and warm.

147. Aah, let me feel those. Let me feel that.

148. Put her there. Give me a good firm one.

149. Ooh, that's a good, firm handshake.

150. You're hired.

151. Yes, well, let's get right into

152. the Anderson account, shall we?

153. Oh, definitely. Yes, yes, right away.

154. - Okay. - Yes, yes.

155. Right away. Okay.

156. Hey, hey, hey.

157. Want me to crank the thermostat to 90?

158. Smoke her out?

159. She can't keep those mittens on forever.

160. Yes—no, what? Stop.

161. Yes.

162. Congrat—

163. - Wow. - Ooh.

164. Oh, my God. That's it, that's it.

165. Oh, I get it.

166. Everybody knows about the ultimatum.

167. Yes, I told everyone.

168. Ha, ha! Ha, ha!

169. Hey, right back at you, bitch.

170. Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy!

171. Okay.

172. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

173. Okay, calm down! Breathe.

174. I'm trying.

175. I said breathe.

176. I'm trying.

177. Wait a second.

178. Are you listening to music?

179. What?

180. Shut that off.

181. I'm not listening to the music.

182. Fine, just go crazy

183. for a little while.

184. Ha ha, whoo!

185. Looking good.

186. You're looking good.

187. Mmph, mmph!

188. Oh, I gotcha, I gotcha!

189. Aah, aah!

190. I'm pulling you back!

191. Aaaah!

192. Oh, oh, oh, oh!

193. Michael dance-off! Go!

194. Oh!

195. Oh, that's nice. That's nice.

196. Go!

197. Me, okay!

198. Mm, mm, uh, oh yeah!

199. Nice!

200. We're gonna calm down later.

201. I'm doing it.

202. Oh, yeah!

203. Oh, yeah! Right there, right there!

204. Oh, yeah!

205. Hey, Dwight. I'm collecting resolution cards.

206. - Not doing that. - Why not?

207. I've achieved plenty,

208. and there's no better than the best.

209. Drink less caffeine.

210. That's a good one, pam.

211. I used to have a bit of a Monsieur Pibb problem myself,

212. but it is hell on the vocal folds.

213. Here's mine.

214. - Learn to cook for one. - Yeah, I love cooking,

215. but I always find myself throwing out

216. half the food that I prepare,

217. so I figured it's time to just start preparing

218. the right amount of food for the right number

219. of people, which is one.

220. Well, maybe you'll meet someone.

221. No, some people just don't meet someone.

222. I'm fine with it.

223. Really.

224. This is not a pity party.

225. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.

226. - Angela. - Yes.

227. "Make time for romance."

228. - Who's the senator? - My boyfriend.

229. Oh. Oh, you mean the state senator.

230. I'm sorry, I was confused

231. 'cause you accidentally wrote "the senator."

232. Wait, wait, wait.

233. It's that easy? That's not a resolution.

234. That's just something I wanna do.

235. Okay, fine. I can do that.

236. My resolution is...

237. Meet a loose woman.

238. Oh, God.

239. - That's a good one. - Yeah?

240. You know what? That's my new one.

241. - I'm taking that one, too. - Awesome.

242. You know what you guys should do?

243. Go to the book store at lunch.

244. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them.

245. "Hey, what book is that?

246. "Cool, let's hang out tonight.

247. Sex already? Whoa."

248. - The book store? - It's that easy?

249. I'll come with you, show you how it's done.

250. - Okay. - I'll drive.

251. My resolution is to read more,

252. and if someone else is driving me to the book store,

253. I can eat my PB&J in the car.

254. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.

255. Hello.

256. Oh, somebody's got a new phone.

257. - Yeah. - That is neat.

258. I got it for Christmas. I'm so out of my league here.

259. E.T. phone Holly.

260. Holly like phone?

261. Holly misses old phone.

262. Why?

263. New phone is confusing.

264. Gets bad reception.

265. Oh, bummer.

266. Bummer.

267. Reese's Pieces.

268. Reese's Pieces?

269. Oh, God. Please stop.

270. I still have my old phone.

271. This thing, indestructible.

272. Oh, I should get this.

273. Hey.

274. Oh, no. Don't go see that one.

275. I want to see that together.

276. Yeah, go see that action one.

277. Okay.

278. I love you, too.

279. All right.

280. Ten miles to Williamsport.

281. I'm gonna sell this town so hard on paper.

282. Hey, do you know any good fast food

283. off exit 210B?

284. No, no, only 210A.

285. You've obviously passed that, which is too bad

286. 'cause I know a lot of great—

287. All right.

288. Holly doesn't seem to be engaged,

289. and yet she's talking to AJ like she is.

290. I can't figure it out.

291. Do you think she's already dating a different AJ?

292. I don't think so.

293. - But you don't know so. - I know so.

294. When you broke it off with Roy,

295. did you still tell him you loved him?

296. - No. - But you did still love him.

297. - I'm not gonna have— - Do you love him now?

298. No! Just talk to her.

299. No, she'd just resent me.

300. Or worse, she would think of me as her friend.

301. Oh, hi, friend.

302. - Yuck. - I'll talk to her, Michael.

303. You think she'd talk to you?

304. Why wouldn't she?

305. That's true, she's really nice.

306. She'd talk to anybody.

307. Why don't you bring Erin to balance you out.

308. There's a plan.

309. It is so obvious to me that Holly needs to dump AJ.

310. The thought of kissing him,

311. his face pressed up against my face,

312. his heavy breath bearing down on my neck,

313. his tongue parts my lips

314. and darts into my mouth. Disgusting.

315. All right.

316. We should divide up by section.

317. I will take romance and travel.

318. I'll take the entirety of the second floor.

319. I got that cutie behind the counter.

320. Well, if you read a lot,

321. you should check out our e-readers.

322. They're really neat.

323. Oh, I work at a paper company.

324. Those things terrify me.

325. They could put us out of business, you know?

326. Heard those machines hold, like, ten books at once.

327. Actually, it's 10,000.

328. Holy. What?

329. Let me see that.

330. So light. It's like a croissant.

331. Where's all the fly honeys at?

332. Honeys? You only need one, my friend.

333. You only need one.

334. Well, I don't see one.

335. - And we actually need two. - That's true.

336. - Hi. - Hi.

337. Welcome.

338. Let us know if you need anything.

339. - Thanks. - Mm-hmm.

340. Why did we pretend like we work here?

341. - Is that what we were doing? - I don't know, uh...

342. - Hey, how'd you do? - Good.

343. - Good, real good. - Yeah.

344. - Yeah. - I think we kinda nailed it.

345. Yeah, pretty much.

346. But, you know, this place is kinda tapped out,

347. - so let's roll. - Cool.

348. - Okay. - What'd you get?

349. - A book about oceans. - Oh, really?

350. What else? Let me see.

351. That's, uh, porn.

352. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.

353. Follow my lead.

354. - Hey, want some company? - Want some company?

355. Oh, sure. Have a seat.

356. How were your breaks?

357. Oh, really good. I went to Portugal.

358. I went to Portugal.

359. Oh, wow. You went together?

360. - No. - No.

361. So, I just gotta know.

362. What's going on with you and AJ?

363. Nothing really happened.

364. I mean, I know I made a big deal

365. about this whole New Year's deadline,

366. but, um, it came and went, and we're still together.

367. You didn't break up with AJ at all?

368. I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present?

369. It just wasn't fair of me to give him

370. an ultimatum in the first place.

371. The whole thing is totally my fault.

372. But we're gonna be just fine.

373. Just fine.

374. - Hmm. - Hmm.

375. - Did you guys enjoy— - Have a good lunch.

376. - Happy New Year. - Oh.

377. Happy New Year.

378. How can somebody give an ultimatum

379. and not follow through with it?

380. That's...

381. Every morning, I wake up, and I look in the mirror,

382. and I say, "Michael, you have to be hilarious today,

383. or I am going to fire you."

384. Is it easy? No.

385. Do I like it? No, I don't.

386. But do I do it? Yeah, I do

387. because I gave myself an ultimatum.

388. Oh.

389. - Whoa. - Hold on.

390. I am not going back until I fulfill my resolution.

391. Oh, no, no, no. Uh-uh.

392. Come on, why not?

393. I've never been in one before.

394. I'm tired of being Mr. Perfect role model all the time.

395. I'm telling you, don't do it.

396. I got nothing against strip clubs,

397. but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday.

398. The day shift at a strip club?

399. You can't unsee that.

400. Well, we can't just go back.

401. I mean, we came out to meet women.

402. Hey, there's a roller rink across the street.

403. There's always chicks at the rink.

404. What kind of chicks are you gonna meet there?

405. I don't know.

406. Single moms at a skating party?

407. Sweet 16 ten-year reunion parties.

408. Chicks fall down, need help getting back up.

409. Roller derby practice.

410. Aah! Rrrawr!

411. We're going skating.

412. How's everyone's year going so far?

413. - Really, really good. - Excellent.

414. - Good, Pam. - So good.

415. Good, Kevin. Thank you for your enthusiasm.

416. Yeah.

417. The goal of this meeting is to get everybody

418. excited about their resolutions.

419. - Do I have to be here? - Nope.

420. This meeting is optional.

421. You can go back to your desk and work.

422. I will stay.

423. Who's been good about their resolution so far?

424. Erin, tell us about it.

425. Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day.

426. And I must say that it is going immensely.

427. Cool.

428. Here's a little "way to go" gift from sabre.

429. - Intercepted. - Hey, Gabe.

430. Huh? Whoops.

431. Creed, I notice you don't have a resolution on the board.

432. What's yours?

433. I want to do a cart wheel,

434. but real casual.

435. I can not make a big deal out of it,

436. but I know everybody saw it,

437. just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.

438. How's it going?

439. I'm having a little trouble motivating.

440. One of the hardest parts

441. about making resolutions is keeping them.

442. In fact, most resolutions are abandoned by February.

443. - Or sooner. - Yeah.

444. - It's not a joke. - But that's okay.

445. Because it's not about being perfect,

446. it's about trying.

447. In fact, why don't we go around and confess some of the ways

448. that we've already fudged on our resolutions?

449. Well, I said that I would eat more vegetables,

450. and I haven't yet.

451. But it's okay. I still have time

452. since last year I ate none.

453. Okay, well, my confession

454. is that today I had a sip of coffee.

455. - But that's fine. - Is it?

456. Yes, because with all of your support,

457. by this time next year, maybe I'll be

458. down to one glass of iced tea a week.

459. Next year? Come on.

460. I mean, what is the point?

461. What is the point of that?

462. I made a resolution to floss, and I did it.

463. 12:01, January 1st. Bam!

464. Blood everywhere.

465. Not all of us are Michael freakin' Scott.

466. What is wrong with you people?

467. Can't you stick to anything?

468. Erin, I want you to go to the kitchen

469. and get me some vegetables.

470. Creed, you say you want to do a cartwheel?

471. Nothing's stopping you.

472. Come on, old man. Do a cartwheel!

473. Well, I can't. I don't know how.

474. You're just going to somersault around

475. for the rest of your life.

476. And you know what's gonna be on your tombstone?

477. Loser.

478. My tombstone's already made, thank you.

479. Just do a cartwheel!

480. This is all I could find.

481. Eat it.

482. You don't have to do that, Kevin.

483. Oh, no. I'm glad this is happening.

484. Thank you, Michael.

485. Why are you eating stem first?

486. This is a new food for me. How else should I eat it?

487. The other way.

488. Can I get some Cheez Whiz or hollandaise?

489. No, no.

490. No Cheez Whiz, no hollandaise, no chocolate sauce,

491. just eat it. Come on. Here comes the airplane.

492. There you go, open, open, into the hanger, there you go.

493. - Oh, no. - Michael.

494. Yeah, eat it.

495. Put it in your mouth, and just eat it.

496. God, I hate it.

497. I don't care whether you hate it.

498. - You said you'd do it! - Michael, Michael.

499. - All right. - Eat it, eat it!

500. - Oh, my God. - You're killing him, Michael.

501. All right, all right, all right!

502. - Michael! - Shh!

503. Okay, I ate the fluffy part. Can I be done?

504. Let me see if you swallowed it.

505. Open your mouth.

506. Under your tongue.

507. Oh, God!

508. You guys are pathetic.

509. Can I get some candy or something?

510. - No, you can't have any candy! - I'll get him water.

511. Okay, Michael. Just settle down.

512. Um...

513. Oh! God!

514. Holly Flax.

515. Yes, Michael?

516. Not Michael, E.T.

517. What's up?

518. Well, I just want to talk about what happened in there.

519. Oh. No, Michael.

520. I don't want to talk about it with you.

521. And I'm fine, I just— I don't want to talk about it.

522. Okay.

523. Holly, come on in. Thanks for coming.

524. I thought there should be an HR rep here for this.

525. So Kevin and Creed, things got a little bit intense

526. - in the conference room. - You think?

527. And I wanted to apologize.

528. These resolutions should be about you,

529. and I made it about me,

530. and it was none of my beeswax.

531. You were super mean.

532. It was insensitive, and I am sorry.

533. It was traumatizing, Michael.

534. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.

535. I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions.

536. The cartwheel, the veggies.

537. I...

538. I care about you. Very much,

539. and you loom so large in my heart

540. that I crossed the line.

541. Okay, Michael, no offense,

542. but you need to get your own life.

543. You're right.

544. And I hope that we can still be friends.

545. I don't think I'm there yet, boss.

546. - Well, I am. - Okay.

547. Oh, mmm.

548. All right.

549. - I'm gonna help you. - Okay, okay.

550. Hey, uh, it's just you.

551. Anything you want to hear?

552. Um, Dave Matthews Band.

553. No hits, deep tracks only.

554. Okay.

555. I said no hits.

556. Heh, heh.

557. I just feel blocked.

558. I feel like I'm living but I'm not—

559. - Hey, Ryan. - Yeah.

560. How's your fart project coming?

561. That's real, real classy, Kevin.

562. Hey, was it me or you that just shoved

563. the butt end of a pound of broccoli into my mouth

564. because Michael told me to.

565. - Me. - Mm-hmm.

566. - Kevin, don't. - Mm.

567. Come on.

568. Oh, Pam? Soda, caffeine.

569. Yeah, just a little.

570. I have a lot to deal with today.

571. Well, if you don't have to do 'em...

572. Meredith, what are you doing? I could be pregnant.

573. Okay, no.

574. Oh, my resolution was to get more attention.

575. Nope, she's lying.

576. Hey, Ryan.

577. One, two, three.

578. I did it. I did a cartwheel.

579. you, you!

580. God!

581. - Okay, that's it. - God!

582. Lesson learned.

583. Are you ready for another? You've been done for a while.

584. I'm okay. Thanks, Hank.

585. Oh, wow, does that espresso machine work?

586. - It does for seven dollars. - Okay.

587. - Hey, Holly. - Hi.

588. - You okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.

589. - How's the cocoa? - It's good.

590. It's the best.

591. - Are you okay? - I'm okay.

592. I know you probably don't need my advice,

593. but don't feel like you have to make

594. any sort of decision today.

595. Oh, I know.

596. Well, honestly, it wasn't fair of me

597. to give him an ultimatum in the first place,

598. and the whole different cities thing.

599. Yeah.

600. You know, I thought Jim was gonna propose a lot of times,

601. and I kept on being wrong.

602. But I knew he was the right guy,

603. and that's all that mattered.

604. Can I get my espresso?

605. Can I get my seven dollars?

606. - What's up? - Hey, where'd you go?

607. - To the arcade. - Oh, cool.

608. Why, did you meet someone?

609. Yeah. I did, actually.

610. - Oh? - His name is Andy.

611. And he roller skates like a Greek god.

612. And you know what?

613. I kinda like hanging out with him.

614. Right on, son.

615. Gentlemen.

616. - And where did you go? - Strip club.

617. I was looking at the strippers at the strip club.

618. - Right. - So that's it, guys?

619. If you want, I can put on the strobe.

620. Yeah!

621. - Whoo! - Whoo, whoo!

622. Do you want to keep this?

623. Mm-mm, no.

624. Do you want to keep this?

625. Yeah.

626. - Do you wanna keep this? - No, you can toss them.

627. My resolution?

628. I never want to make Holly cry again.

629. Unless it's from laughing too hard.

630. Or making love too beautifully.

631. We're gonna be just fine.

632. You know how you say something over and over

633. and the words start to sound weird?

634. Going to be just fine.

635. Just fine, just fine, just fine.

636. I just think we need

637. to cool things down for a while.

638. Yeah, a break,

639. at least until I get back to Nashua.

640. Yeah, I'm sure.

641. Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel.

642. So look where you're going to be placing your hand.

643. - So pick a spot. - Mm-hmm.

644. - You ready to do this? - Yes, sir.

645. You know what?

646. I'm gonna stay here as long as it takes.

647. I really appreciate that, boss.

648. - I'm gonna spot you. - That's okay.

649. - Spot you! - It's okay, don't—

650. Go.

651. I did it!

652. - You did? - The perfect cartwheel.

653. Okay, good.

654. What a rush.

655. That's all I had to do all year.

656. Congratulations. All right.

657. Well, all right. See you tomorrow.

658. Done. I guess it's time.

659. Listen up, every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction.

660. Go ahead. Oh, oh!

661. What's this? Oh, oh, what's this?

662. Oh, no, what do you have this for, huh?

663. What is this?

664. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight, break it up, break it up!

665. Back of the shirt. Read it.

666. We are unarmed.

667. Come on.

668. Ah!

669. - You didn't get me! - I'm on your team.

670. - Stop following me! - My flashlight's broke.