The Office 7x10

1. Hm. All right.

2. Why?

3. 20 minutes a day, Jim. That's all it takes.

4. 20 minutes a day, all feet, no hands,

5. and I'll have the pededexterity of a chimp

6. and you'll be sitting there like an idiot.

7. Oh, please, get that thing away from me.

8. Your face is way filthier than my feet.

9. My feet have no nostrils from which to spill mucus.

10. They have no mouth hole from which to spew vomitus.

11. Okay, here we go. Ah, yes.

12. - Do you mind? - I'm sorry, Pam.

13. Allow me to write you an apology letter.

14. You don't have to do that.

15. D-E-A—

16. Oh, backspace, A.

17. Dear—

18. Thank you, hands.

19. Nothing else in the universe can do what you do.

20. Oh, don't worry about it.

21. Dwight, it's okay. You were wrong.

22. It's so hot.

23. Ah, ow.

24. Ahh. Ah.

25. Ah!

26. Well, A for effort, right?

27. Welcome.

28. Start your morning right with a burst of blueberry

29. or try plain.

30. What's the occasion?

31. Dwight said this entry was a waste of space.

32. I would like

33. Du blueberry, por favor.

34. - $8. - $8?

35. Must be a really good muffin.

36. I don't have any cash. Can I give you a credit card?

37. I don't have a machine.

38. - Can you call it in? - Who am I gonna call?

39. Come on, man. Just move along.

40. Move along, come on.

41. Owning a building is a war

42. between the landlord and the tenant.

43. Not a literal war, unfortunately.

44. But I am using the same tactics.

45. I have surrounded the enemy

46. and I'm slowly starving them.

47. To save on electricity, I have installed a timer

48. and motion censors on the lights.

49. It's part of my green initiative.

50. And by green, I mean money.

51. Excuse me, Pam?

52. Oh, hey, Nate, you want some candy?

53. Oh, no, thank you. That's all right.

54. Uh, hang on to it. You may need it

55. for whatever it is you guys do up here.

56. Okay.

57. Sorry, is there any way I can get underneath there?

58. I need to swap this energy saving plug

59. for the un-energy saving plug.

60. I'm—sorry, it'll just take a second.

61. - Yeah, no problem. - Thank you.

62. Hurry up, Nate.

63. Hurry it up.

64. Oh.

65. Okay, it's all taken care of.

66. You can get back to your important business,

67. and I won't bother you anymore.

68. Mm-hmm. China. China.

69. Michael, how was the dentist?

70. It was great.

71. China.

72. Do you have any cavities?

73. Nine cavities and a receding gumline.

74. - Who cares? - You should maybe.

75. - I mean, nine's a lot. - China.

76. Are you okay? What's wrong?

77. Everything here was made in China, Pam.

78. Yeah, that's where they make stuff.

79. They used to make stuff in America, Andy,

80. but we're falling behind. Did you know that?

81. China is a sleeping dragon that is just beginning to stir.

82. - Oh, no. - Yeah.

83. Right here. It is right there.

84. Anybody read the news anymore?

85. China is on the move.

86. I found that in the waiting room

87. at the dentist's office.

88. This kid had the magazine I wanted to read.

89. That's the only one I could reach

90. and I read it and then I read it again.

91. China is going to pass us as the number one

92. global superpower.

93. When did that happen?

94. My whole life I believed

95. that America was number one.

96. That was the saying.

97. Not America's number two.

98. England is number two. China should be like eight.

99. Michael, you took their magazine?

100. Is this the first you've heard of China?

101. Do you not keep up with world events?

102. The last time I checked, America was on top

103. in everything, except soccer.

104. And that's because we didn't try.

105. We should be very afraid.

106. - I'm terrified. - Good girl.

107. Good girl.

108. Hey, Andy.

109. Hey, Darryl.

110. You gotta stop texting me so much.

111. But I wanted you to know that Michael and I

112. are wearing the same tie today.

113. It's insane.

114. You need to change your standard

115. for what's worthy of a text.

116. Ask yourself, "is this something

117. Darryl needs to know?"

118. The answer's almost always no.

119. Got it.

120. - Then I will call you. - No.

121. There was a time when the only people who texted you

122. were people you wanted to text you. Girls.

123. And they'd all say the same thing.

124. "I'm comin' over, baby."

125. And I would text back.

126. "B.T.B." Bring that booty.

127. Dwight, why is the toilet paper only half a ply?

128. Oh, I'm sorry.

129. Is that not good enough for your anus?

130. Don't get me started on how coddled

131. the modern anus is.

132. Okay, um, Stanley, maybe you can just unspool

133. a little more each time you need to—

134. Don't tell me how to do my business.

135. Stanley, as a fellow Dunder Mifflin employee

136. I feel for you, but like you,

137. I am completely powerless to the whims

138. of the new building owner.

139. Which is you.

140. "Which is you" is not a sentence.

141. I disagree with.

142. Are you gonna just sit there, office administrator,

143. or are you gonna do something?

144. Dwight, can we talk about these cut backs?

145. Pam, when I'm sitting at this desk, I'm a salesman.

146. If you wanna talk to the new building owner,

147. you should call Nate and schedule an appointment.

148. I'm not gonna do that.

149. Well, then you're not going to talk to new building owner,

150. which is a shame,

151. because I hear he's a very reasonable guy.

152. Y'ello?

153. Hi, Nate. It's Pam Halpert.

154. - Oh, hey, Pam. - Hey.

155. I'm glad you called. I am kicking myself.

156. I would do anything for a do-over on that candy offer.

157. Well, anytime.

158. You know, I would just love to schedule a meeting

159. today with Dwight.

160. Let me just put you on hold just for one eensy second.

161. Sure.

162. Dwight Schrute. Mm-hmm.

163. Tell her I'm busy.

164. I don't know. Make something up.

165. Hey, Pam, Dwight's being questioned by the police

166. in connection with a string of dog-nappings

167. that have been—

168. Dwight.

169. Dwight, can you please tell the new building owner

170. that he is screwing over all the people he works with.

171. People he's worked with for years.

172. His friends.

173. You know what, Pam? You're right.

174. This isn't just a business, this is a home.

175. And I would much rather see a smile from Kevin

176. than save hundreds on plumbing and electricity.

177. Oh, my God.

178. What?

179. According to the internet the tallest man in the world

180. is Chinese.

181. So much for keeping our secrets up high.

182. What's America gonna do?

183. I know what we're gonna do.

184. We're gonna put our best minds on it.

185. Everybody, stop working.

186. I want you all to imagine a world

187. in which America is not the number one superpower,

188. where it is illegal to burn the Chinese flag,

189. where forks are irrelevant,

190. and where every man, woman, and child

191. is expected to learn how to play the cello.

192. Now, open your eyes.

193. You never told us to close them.

194. Welcome to your future.

195. What do we do? How do we stop this?

196. How do we stop it?

197. With a big idea.

198. That's what America is built on.

199. Big ideas, blue jeans, the Grand Canyon.

200. Who's got one? Who's got a big idea?

201. An idea bigger than the Grand Canyon?

202. Yes, indeed. Yes, Kevin.

203. An antacid that you only take once a week.

204. Once-a-week antacid is the idea to beat.

205. Anyone else?

206. Nobody? Okay, then, we are—

207. - Michael. - Yes.

208. An acid pill that you take once every six weeks.

209. Why not go just one for the year?

210. I don't know.

211. It's too big a pill to swallow.

212. All right.

213. What if we all get together and help each other

214. and hire a new guy and then we all kill him

215. but first we take out, like, a $100,000 life insurance policy?

216. I bet you guys like that idea, don't you?

217. I think that's what they're doing to me.

218. I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces

219. when I said it.

220. I learned nothing.

221. I don't know what the that was.

222. Listen, everybody,

223. we can't fix America with just one invention.

224. China is not a threat.

225. It is a rich and fertile culture.

226. Did you know that the Fourth of July

227. is as much a Chinese holiday as it is American?

228. Because the Chinese invented fireworks.

229. I say we bomb 'em.

230. By 2020 they're gonna be the world's largest economy

231. and they're getting a taste for protein.

232. We'll all starve.

233. Yeah, Dwight's right, we should drop the bomb.

234. No, he's not— We're not—

235. Where would we even drop it, Phyllis?

236. Did you know that in China

237. there are 56 cities with over a million people?

238. You know how many we have here? Nine.

239. Actually, that's not true.

240. I know the figure you're referring to,

241. and it's a projection of 15 years from now.

242. - Thank God. - No, no, that is right now.

243. Michael, China's agrarian.

244. Urbanizing fast? You betcha.

245. But still agrarian.

246. Most in terms of land, not population.

247. Come on, Michael, you couldn't—

248. No! No, you're wrong about this.

249. Where are you getting this information?

250. I got it from NewYorkTimes.com.

251. Uh-oh. Getting nervous, Oscar?

252. Okay, someone look it up.

253. I'm on it, Jim. I'm on it.

254. Guys, it's not worth it. Really.

255. Guys, this is not worth our time.

256. "Are you watching this?" Seriously?

257. Well, are you?

258. I'm sitting right here.

259. Got it.

260. China has 56 cities with a population of over one million.

261. The U.S. has nine.

262. Suck it, Oscar.

263. Well, on the plus side, all this worrying about China

264. has made you smarter than Oscar, Michael.

265. Great, I was wrong. I'm wrong.

266. - Is everyone happy? - Boo-yah.

267. So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office.

268. So what?

269. I don't care.

270. Okay, now, where were we before I bested Oscar?

271. Wow, so this building can get uglier.

272. I will not work in a roach billboard.

273. Oh, my God. I can't look at roaches.

274. Michael, do something about this.

275. Absolutely.

276. Pam, this is exactly why I hired you

277. as office administrator.

278. Handle it. Takin' care of business.

279. Dwight, take it down.

280. I'm serious. Take it down or else.

281. Or else. Or else what?

282. There's nothing you can do.

283. We can move out.

284. Uh. Really?

285. Uh. Ah.

286. So does anyone wanna know where I've been

287. for the last two hours?

288. Oh, my God, I've been playing Zombie Soccer for two hours?

289. I went out to look for a better office space.

290. Waste of time.

291. Not really, because I found one.

292. Oh, wow.

293. - These are nice. - Yep.

294. Let me see.

295. What camera?

296. Look at the huge offices, Jim.

297. Yeah, I know.

298. Check out that conference room.

299. Totally. If you had just asked,

300. I totally would have let you borrow it.

301. It's just that—

302. Hey, Jim, can I use your camera?

303. That's all.

304. What is that, like five words?

305. It's not a big deal.

306. Can I use your camera please?

307. Add that extra please in there, it's still not hard.

308. She just always changes the settings, and—

309. You can't just move out.

310. Oh, in three months we can. Check the lease.

311. And if you don't undo all the changes you've made,

312. we're moving.

313. We're moving? Not again.

314. As a kid, my foster family moved all the time.

315. One summer, we moved into a tent in the woods for a week.

316. And then another summer, we moved into a tent

317. in a different woods for another week.

318. Every summer.

319. And we had to live on basically nothing

320. but crackers and marshmallows and chocolate bars.

321. We had to build a fire just to keep warm.

322. Hey, guys, can I show you some pictures?

323. Oh, my gosh, she's so cute. She looks like both of you.

324. - They're not of Cece. - Oh, cool.

325. This is possibly our new Dunder Mifflin office.

326. Well, I like being in the same building as Bob.

327. It keeps me honest.

328. This building isn't far and it's much newer.

329. There's a dry cleaner, a nail place and a gym.

330. Oh, and it's next door to an Outback

331. so it always smells like steak.

332. Are you trying to kill me?

333. Is the nail place Koreans or whites?

334. Koreans.

335. Good. And the dry cleaners?

336. White?

337. Good.

338. Whoa, there's a lot of brain power in this room.

339. We got Michael and Oscar,

340. the two smartest guys in the office.

341. Also, in that order.

342. Funny. Jim, that is funny.

343. Very comedically humorous, Jim.

344. I have a computer question.

345. - Hey, Oscar? - What is it?

346. Can you move aside so that I can ask Michael?

347. All right. All right, I get it.

348. Michael, how do I create a new tab?

349. Try control-P.

350. That's print.

351. Not if the printer isn't hooked up.

352. You're making some very dangerous assumptions, Oscar.

353. Oscar, it must be killing you

354. now that Michael is smarter than you.

355. He's—he's not smarter than me.

356. He was just right about one thing.

357. Yeah, but it was really a smart thing

358. to be right about, actually.

359. Actually, it was.

360. Around here Oscar is known as "actually"

361. because he will insert himself into just about

362. any conversation to add facts or correct grammar.

363. Actually, you're speculating.

364. He really does fit that old stereotype

365. of the smug gay Mexican.

366. Megan Fox, question mark. What's that mean?

367. Megan Fox. Come on.

368. You know what?

369. You're one bad text away from gettin' blocked.

370. Yes, but one good text away from a high five.

371. You accept these terms?

372. Oh, it's on.

373. One away.

374. Pst-pst, Erin, you know what I love about this building?

375. It's not haunted.

376. So many buildings in the area are haunted.

377. I don't believe in ghosts.

378. That's why they leave me alone.

379. D—

380. Kevin, in your perfect world,

381. what would make this building awesome?

382. I'm putting together kind of a wish list.

383. I wish for a million wishes.

384. Yeah, no, I'm not a genie.

385. - I'm just talking about— - Then see you later, building.

386. You can't possibly be serious.

387. I said see you later, building.

388. - Hey, Michael. - Hey.

389. I was thinking about some of the stuff you said earlier

390. about China.

391. I'd love to talk more about it.

392. Yeah.

393. - Maybe over some coffee later? - Sure.

394. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

395. Do you know what you just agreed to?

396. - Just coffee, Jim. - No, it's not just coffee.

397. He's trying to set you up, Michael.

398. Happened to me when he told me Hawaiians

399. call white people "hoolies."

400. I was like, uh, no, pretty sure it's "howlies."

401. I had it written on my face.

402. What's gonna happen is he's gonna try to bring up

403. whatever you're talking about in a very casual way.

404. But secretly he'll be trying to trip you up.

405. And when he does, boom, it's awful.

406. Haven't you noticed that I don't bring up

407. the Tour de France around him?

408. Yes.

409. And then, he will smugly pay the check

410. and make you feel so small.

411. All right, well, I just need

412. to learn everything about China.

413. To be safe I should learn everything about everything

414. but I don't have time.

415. Okay. Okay, I'll just learn about China

416. and science and geography and math and literary.

417. No politics?

418. I'm pretty good on politics.

419. California is bankrupt.

420. And California, California.

421. What?

422. Parlay. My office. Five minutes.

423. Parlay?

424. Pirate code. He wants to meet.

425. So everyone here knows pirate code?

426. I understand it. I can't speak it.

427. Pam, I am not an unreasonable man.

428. If you guys stay,

429. I will stop watering down the soap.

430. You've been watering down the soap?

431. Why do you even need soap?

432. Are you that bad at going to the bathroom?

433. We want everything back the way it was.

434. You don't wanna move.

435. Moving is one of the most stressful things

436. you can do in life.

437. You'll probably just take it out on your kid.

438. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart.

439. And 25 years from now, Cece will become world famous

440. for stripping.

441. That's a sad story.

442. I have another one.

443. We move, the other tenants follow,

444. the banks takes the building, takes your farm,

445. takes your car and beats the crap out of you.

446. Penniless, you die.

447. And my daughter, Cece, dances on your grave

448. fully clothed.

449. Where is Tibet?

450. Pass.

451. - When was China founded? - Pass.

452. Two for two. Keep it up.

453. Who is Mao?

454. - Life line. - Damn it, Michael.

455. You are moments away from the smack down of your life.

456. If you don't know something, steer the conversation

457. back to something you do know.

458. I could talk about boobs.

459. I bet he knows nothing about boobs.

460. What do you know about boobs?

461. Michael, I have to tell you something.

462. - It's from "Rocky II." - Thank you.

463. This guy doesn't just wanna win,

464. you know, he wants to bury you.

465. He wants to humiliate you.

466. Wait, wait, wait. How long is this gonna take?

467. I'm like a quarter of the way through.

468. Is it gonna be worth it?

469. No.

470. Just in case, Michael, I made you a cheat sheet.

471. I don't need to cheat.

472. Show him how to use it.

473. 10,706.

474. Here it is right here. Pull over. Pull over.

475. Oh, my God.

476. No way.

477. - Man, look at that. - Yeah.

478. There's no building.

479. Hmm-hmm-hmm.

480. This can only mean one thing.

481. - Building's underground. - She was lying.

482. - Oh, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam. - Pam, Pam, Pam.

483. - Yeah. - Pam?

484. - What? - I'm Pam.

485. - Oh. - No, you're not.

486. I'm sorry, we have a colleague with the same name.

487. Oh, oh, that's funny.

488. You're not a liar too, are you?

489. I've been known to bend the truth.

490. Damn it, Pam. Get out.

491. Right now. Leave it.

492. I mean it. Get the hell out of here.

493. Go!

494. I can't wait to do to Pam what I just did to Pam.

495. - Hey, Pam? - Yeah.

496. You know, I'm the only one here

497. that you haven't asked about the new office.

498. I know. Because you're the reason we're moving.

499. Yeah, but I'm still an employee here,

500. and that part of me is really excited

501. about the change of scenery.

502. What's the square footage in the new place?

503. Uh, I think it's something like, um...

504. What's the exact square footage?

505. Um, let me see.

506. How many offices are there?

507. Oh, I'll just look at the one-sheet myself.

508. Uh, actually I don't know what I did with the one-sheet.

509. You know, that's the problem.

510. You only have one sheet.

511. Oh, you're a funny guy, Pam.

512. What's the first thing you guys are gonna do

513. when you move in to the new office?

514. I'm gonna walk down the hall

515. and I'm gonna say, "Wow, I can't believe this is real,

516. but it is."

517. I can't wait.

518. Mm-hmm.

519. I lied about some aspects of the building.

520. It's still on a bike path, though, right?

521. There's no building. It doesn't exist.

522. What does that mean?

523. I needed leverage,

524. so I pulled those pictures off the internet.

525. So it wasn't with my camera, so that's a plus.

526. It's just this—this office administrator thing,

527. I don't want to...

528. What?

529. Fail.

530. I don't want to fail. Again.

531. You didn't fail.

532. That's what you said about art school

533. and that's what you said about sales.

534. And you didn't fail those things either.

535. Well, I'm not an artist,

536. and I'm not a salesman.

537. So what would you call it?

538. Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

539. Michael, the reason I asked you down here for this chat is

540. I've been thinking that your fears about China

541. are a bit exaggerated.

542. Did you know that China has a new missile

543. that can sink a U.S. Naval carrier

544. 900 miles off the coast?

545. We have missiles too.

546. Did you also know that China

547. has secretly been expanding its nuclear arsenal?

548. But what do I know?

549. I mean, that's just according to the Pentagon.

550. Our pentagon.

551. I wasn't here.

552. What?

553. I wasn't here.

554. It's a pretty common saying.

555. You may want to log it away for future use.

556. Well, thanks.

557. Yeah.

558. China has been loaning us

559. billions upon billions of dollars.

560. We are going to be owing them for the rest of our lives,

561. and they will control us.

562. Actually, we're in a mild recession right now,

563. I'll give you that, and true, without China's money,

564. it'd be the 1930s all over again.

565. The 1930s was the Depression.

566. I have seen "Seabiscuit." I know what the Depression is.

567. One horse changed the world.

568. But people use China as the boogeyman

569. for all their problems.

570. In the 1980s, it was Japan.

571. How then do you explain that in the past year

572. manufacturing in China has risen by 17%,

573. and in the U.S. It has only risen by eight%?

574. Do you really think that manufacturing

575. is a relevant indicator

576. of where the world economy's heading in 2010?

577. Do you know the comparative expansion

578. of, say, the information sector?

579. I'd say that's far more relevant.

580. Wouldn't you?

581. Don't...

582. I...

583. Hello. Hello.

584. You're breaking the law.

585. Impossible. I love the law.

586. Read article 19.

587. There are certain standards

588. that you have to maintain the building at

589. and that includes comfortable temperatures

590. and adequate lighting.

591. It also means no more cutting the tampons in two

592. and no more tampering with the toilet paper.

593. I see I've underestimated you

594. and I didn't think that was possible.

595. Nate.

596. Re-ply the paper.

597. I don't think it goes that way.

598. Re-ply it!

599. It clearly doesn't go that way.

600. - It doesn't go that way. - Just re-ply it.

601. You think you've won, don't you?

602. Oh, I know I've won.

603. So do I.

604. I also think she won.

605. Don't worry about the coffee.

606. - It's on me. - Yeah, I figured that.

607. Michael, I am so happy

608. that we were able to have this little chat.

609. Wait.

610. You forgetting something?

611. - What? - This chat.

612. Two men. One white. One Latina.

613. A boss and a money cruncher.

614. I could fire you.

615. Fire him.

616. No. Show mercy.

617. But here we are.

618. What is your point?

619. My point is...

620. That as long as people like you and me

621. don't stop talking...

622. Nobody can stop the USA.

623. Yeah, go, girl.

624. - But that's not— - Right. Yes.

625. - I am talking about freedom. - Mm-hmm.

626. About choice.

627. America...

628. I don't think you need to worry,

629. because if you want to be China, you will.

630. If you don't, that's fine.

631. That, my friend, is your victory.

632. You know, a lot of people say

633. that if you dig long enough and hard enough

634. you will get to China and that may be true,

635. but what they don't tell you is that if you dig

636. long enough and hard enough in a conversation,

637. you get to a friend.

638. Oh.

639. So here is to conversation.

640. That's not—

641. Raise your cups on high.

642. Case closed.

643. Yeah!

644. That wasn't what we were discu—

645. That wasn't the whole—

646. Actually, Michael just made a 180 degree change of position.

647. And he thinks he won.

648. I—you saw it, right?

649. How do you deal with tactics like that?

650. They say the best vampires don't bleed their victims dry,

651. but give them the strength so that they can bounce back

652. only to be fed on again.

653. I spared Pam and I might feast

654. off of her profits for years to come.

655. I let Pam win.

656. I was not motivated by compassion.

657. I have no compassion.

658. Make sure you got that.

659. "Not motivated by compassion."

660. "Come to parking lot.

661. Crazy pigeon action"?

662. What?

663. Shh. You're gonna scare 'em away.

664. That's a text.

665. Yeah. Right?

666. That's your new standard.