1. - You're falling behind.
Copy !req
2. - Wuphf.Com.
- Ryan, we're doing...
Copy !req
3. - This is how
you build a business.
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4. - You got creed.
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5. - You make it so hard
to love you sometimes.
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6. - You're behind.
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7. - I said I didn't want
to be on the Internet!
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8. - Go, go, go, go!
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9. - Dwight!
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10. - Toby, how did we do?
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11. - Well, that was better.
Copy !req
12. - Whoo! We did it!
Copy !req
13. Yes!
Copy !req
14. - I suppose summer
had to end sometime.
Copy !req
15. It's sad, though,
because I had a great summer.
Copy !req
16. I got West Nile virus.
Lost a ton of weight.
Copy !req
17. Then I went back to the Lake.
Copy !req
18. I stepped on a piece of glass
in the parking lot,
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19. Which hurt.
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20. That got infected,
even though I peed on it.
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21. - Saw inception.
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22. Or at least I dreamt I did.
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23. - Broccoli Rob, obviously,
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24. Will be there.
- Yes, of course.
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25. - And j.C.
We call him Blorville
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26. Because he looks like
a black Orville Redenbacher.
Copy !req
27. - Who's the guy
who invented the peanut?
Copy !req
28. - Hey, guys.
- Hey!
Copy !req
29. - Sorry, didn't mean
to interrupt.
Copy !req
30. - Not at all.
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31. - I'm gonna head back
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32. To Siberia there.
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33. - Aw.
- Ciao.
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34. I started dating Erin
this summer.
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35. It has been, in a word,
exquisite.
Copy !req
36. - Gabe is awesome.
Copy !req
37. He has accomplished so much
career-wise and height-wise.
Copy !req
38. Thank God he's my boss because
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39. I would not have said yes
to a first date
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40. If I didn't have to.
Copy !req
41. But... It's been great.
Copy !req
42. - Am I angry that Gabe
stole my girlfriend
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43. Over the summer?
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44. No.
Copy !req
45. I've been through
anger management, okay?
Copy !req
46. So right now I am sitting
on a nice beach at Cape Cod,
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47. Gazing out across
the whitecaps.
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48. Oh, look,
it's a humpback whale.
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49. How pretty.
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50. He's eating Gabe.
Copy !req
51. - Hey.
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52. What are you doing?
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53. - From now on, if you're hot,
sit on an ice pack.
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54. - Well, what if you're cold?
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55. - Pbbbt! Like you'd ever
be cold, Kevin.
Copy !req
56. Stop asking me
hypothetical questions.
Copy !req
57. I'm too busy.
Copy !req
58. - Hey, Dwight,
I don't know if you heard,
Copy !req
59. But we're supposed to be
drinking out of weird backpacks
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60. Instead of cups,
like regular people.
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61. Oh, you did hear.
Copy !req
62. - Jim, you have one job to do,
Copy !req
63. And you do it forgettably.
Copy !req
64. Those of us who are busy
require hands-free hydration.
Copy !req
65. Dwight Schrute,
star salesman, beet farmer.
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66. Bed and breakfast proprietor.
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67. Aspiring freelance bodyguard.
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68. Add to that list
owner of this building.
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69. Then burn the list.
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70. - This summer I did
the minority
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71. Executive training program
at Yale.
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72. You guys, I'm, like,
really smart now.
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73. You don't even know.
You could ask me,
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74. "Kelly, what's the biggest
company in the world?"
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75. And I'd be, like,
"blah blah blah,
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76. Blah blah blah blah blah blah,"
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77. Giving you the exact
right answer.
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78. - Coffee monkey's arrived.
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79. - The coffee was supposed
to be here at 9:00.
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80. - Here you go, big "o."
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81. Tiny...
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82. Darryl Hannah.
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83. - It says "decaf."
you get me decaf?
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84. - Ooh, yeah.
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85. Must have been some sort
of mix-up there.
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86. You could just drink it,
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87. Or should I drive
all the way back?
Copy !req
88. - Well, summer, I, um,
Copy !req
89. Blew out my knee
playing softball.
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90. Ended up watching CNN
most of the time.
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91. I don't know how we're gonna
get out of Afghanistan.
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92. - The new guy sucks.
Calls me "the nard man."
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93. I'm the "nard dog," okay?
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94. Nard man is my father.
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95. - My name is Luke Cooper.
Copy !req
96. I love cinema.
Copy !req
97. My favorite movies are
citizen Kane
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98. And the boondock saints.
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99. - That kid is the worst.
Needs to be fired, Michael.
Copy !req
100. - He's not the worst.
Okay? He's not the worst.
Copy !req
101. You know who's the worst?
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102. That intern we had
a few years ago.
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103. That guy... remember?
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104. Eehhhhh! That face,
how ugly he was?
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105. He was the worst.
Good worker, though.
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106. Mm... aw, it's not cappuccino.
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107. - He messed yours up to.
- He's got to go, Mike.
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108. - It's just coffee, guys.
Copy !req
109. But yeah, I'll look
into it, okay?
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110. - Wow, that's a lot of keys.
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111. - The bigger the key chain,
the more powerful the man.
Copy !req
112. - That's right.
The janitor said that.
Copy !req
113. By the way,
the raccoons are back.
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114. - Where?
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115. - I think they run
through these panels
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116. And then down under the map.
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117. I wouldn't know for sure
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118. 'cause I don't have
a trained ear.
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119. That's why I have to use
one of these.
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120. - Gimme that.
- Yep.
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121. Wait. And this.
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122. - Yes.
- Go get 'em.
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123. What happened to me
this summer?
Copy !req
124. Dwight bought the building,
so actually, this has been
Copy !req
125. The busiest summer of my life.
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126. - Hey, what's so funny
over here?
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127. Ha, very nice.
Give me my keys.
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128. Not... Funny... Jim!
Copy !req
129. - Sorry.
Copy !req
130. - Oh, no.
Don't worry about it.
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131. I'm just gonna put
a couple keys on every day
Copy !req
132. Until Christmas.
Copy !req
133. Then his pants would have
fallen down, which was...
Copy !req
134. A little gift to me, but...
Copy !req
135. - It was really funny.
Copy !req
136. - Well, it would have been.
Copy !req
137. So unprofessional,
Mrs. Halpert.
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138. - I love you.
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139. - Luke...
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140. Luke!
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141. - What's up, Venus?
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142. - Did you send those samples
to Justin
Copy !req
143. At Lehigh motors yesterday?
Copy !req
144. Because he didn't get 'em.
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145. - Uh, if you asked me to do it,
I'm sure I did it.
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146. Yeah, strawberries are ripe.
Copy !req
147. - Hey...
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148. Turn off the chumbawamba
and scram, twerp.
Copy !req
149. - You don't have to yell.
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150. - Okay, rude.
Copy !req
151. Luke...
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152. I want you to go
to the supermarket for me.
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153. - What for?
Copy !req
154. - To get some ice cream
for everybody.
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155. It's national ice cream
afternoon.
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156. Great.
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157. And another thing
I did this summer.
Copy !req
158. I hired my nephew.
Copy !req
159. - Having Luke here
is a pretty big deal for me.
Copy !req
160. Because his mother,
Copy !req
161. Who also happens to be
my half sister...
Copy !req
162. Kind of cut me off
from that side of the family
Copy !req
163. 15 years a...
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164. 14.
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165. The last time I saw Luke
Copy !req
166. Was the opening day
of ace Ventura II,
Copy !req
167. And that was '95.
Copy !req
168. So, yes, 15 years on the dot.
Copy !req
169. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.
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170. Don't bother Luke.
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171. - Why is there a circle
with a line through it?
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172. - That means don't.
Copy !req
173. Haven't you seen
ghostbusters, Pam?
Copy !req
174. - Yeah, but it's like you're
saying we should bother Luke.
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175. - No, it...
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176. Yes, okay. Right.
Copy !req
177. All right, yep.
My bad.
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178. I got it.
Copy !req
179. Here we go.
Copy !req
180. - Don't don't bother Luke.
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181. Got it.
Copy !req
182. Come on. Okay.
Um...
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183. That's as clear
as I can make it.
Copy !req
184. - Hey, why can't
we bother Luke?
Copy !req
185. He deserves it.
Copy !req
186. - Because I don't want it
getting back to sabre
Copy !req
187. That we're yelling
at assistants.
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188. I think it would
reflect poorly on us.
Copy !req
189. - Who's gonna tell on us?
Gabe?
Copy !req
190. - That'd be hilarious.
Copy !req
191. Uh, "Joe, they're creating
a hostile work environment.
Copy !req
192. Stop 'em."
Copy !req
193. - Nope, it won't be Gabe,
Copy !req
194. But actually,
there is somebody in the office
Copy !req
195. Who is very,
very close to Luke.
Copy !req
196. - How close?
Copy !req
197. - Well, Dwight,
he wiped his butt.
Copy !req
198. Is that close enough for you?
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199. - Yes. Of course.
Copy !req
200. - Guys, I think Michael
and Luke are related.
Copy !req
201. - No.
Copy !req
202. No, Toby.
He's not.
Copy !req
203. Yes, he is.
Copy !req
204. He's my nephew.
Copy !req
205. - What?
- Ohh!
Copy !req
206. - Luke is my nephew.
Copy !req
207. - Michael, that's nepotism.
Copy !req
208. Luke is getting
special treatment
Copy !req
209. Because he's your nephew.
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210. - Yes, exactly.
Copy !req
211. That is a very nice
way of putting it, Oscar.
Copy !req
212. Mixing family and business
is a beautiful thing.
Copy !req
213. - What's wrong with
a level playing field?
Copy !req
214. - Do think they should
have had open auditions
Copy !req
215. For the band Hanson?
Copy !req
216. What if no one
named Hanson showed up?
Copy !req
217. That wouldn't even make sense.
Copy !req
218. Or what if they just
hired the littlest kid
Copy !req
219. And a 50-year-old guy
who was a murderer?
Copy !req
220. Really safe.
Copy !req
221. - Oh, man, so many
points being made.
Copy !req
222. - I couldn't care less
about nepotism.
Copy !req
223. But I'm loving the debate.
Copy !req
224. Great minds battling it out.
Copy !req
225. And I've got a front row seat.
Copy !req
226. - God, when he needed
help on earth,
Copy !req
227. Who did he hire?
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228. Jesus Christ, his son.
Copy !req
229. - That's a really tight
argument.
Copy !req
230. - Thank you.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
231. - But you're comparing
you and Luke to God and Jesus.
Copy !req
232. - No! No.
Copy !req
233. I'm just saying, why does God
Copy !req
234. Get to do something
that I don't?
Copy !req
235. - This is hypothetical.
Copy !req
236. We're talking about Luke,
who happens to be terrible.
Copy !req
237. - Well, then,
why aren't you bugging me
Copy !req
238. To fire everybody who's bad?
Copy !req
239. You just want me to fire Luke.
Copy !req
240. That's reverse nepotism.
Copy !req
241. He should not be punished
because he is related to me
Copy !req
242. And bad at what he does!
Copy !req
243. - I would just like
to say something
Copy !req
244. Off of what Darryl said
about the level playing field.
Copy !req
245. That is actually
a zoning issue.
Copy !req
246. So thank you.
Copy !req
247. - If there's nothing wrong
with this, Michael,
Copy !req
248. Why have you been
keeping it a secret?
Copy !req
249. - Because I wanted you
to come to me and say,
Copy !req
250. "wow, he is so great."
Copy !req
251. And I was gonna say,
"well, it's in the genes."
Copy !req
252. And I was actually
gonna be wearing jeans.
Copy !req
253. And I'd point to them...
right? No.
Copy !req
254. But you ruined it.
Copy !req
255. So... Thank you very much.
Copy !req
256. Here he comes.
Guys, look.
Copy !req
257. I don't want you to treat him
Copy !req
258. Like anyone else in the office.
Copy !req
259. I just want you to treat him
like my nephew.
Copy !req
260. Hey, there he is!
Copy !req
261. - Hey! Ice cream afternoon!
Copy !req
262. - Whoo Whoo Whoo!
- Whoo!
Copy !req
263. - Wait...
Copy !req
264. Soy ice cream?
Copy !req
265. Did you get real ice cream?
Copy !req
266. - Or enough for everyone?
Copy !req
267. - No, man.
There was no list.
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268. Uh... But I got
bagel chips.
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269. - Ah, my favorite part
of an ice cream party.
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270. The bagel chips.
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271. - Clutch cream run, bro.
Copy !req
272. - Get whatever you want.
On me.
Copy !req
273. - You really think you can
make it up to me with food?
Copy !req
274. - I don't know.
That usually works.
Copy !req
275. I feel horrible
for blowing Jim's prank.
Copy !req
276. I don't know if you can tell,
but he's mildly upset.
Copy !req
277. And Dwight hasn't been messed
with in a while,
Copy !req
278. So he's become a monster.
Copy !req
279. I need to make this right.
Copy !req
280. - I came down here to feed
the feral cats
Copy !req
281. Like I usually do,
Copy !req
282. And I found something unsavory
Copy !req
283. In the back of your
nephew's car.
Copy !req
284. - Okay, you know what?
Copy !req
285. Just... just back off.
Copy !req
286. Back off!
Copy !req
287. - Well, take a look.
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288. It's all the packages
he was supposed to overnight.
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289. He never bothered to send them.
Copy !req
290. - All right,
those might be his.
Copy !req
291. He might own an ebay store.
Copy !req
292. - Yep. That's exactly
what my first thought was.
Copy !req
293. And then I remembered having
a conversation with him
Copy !req
294. Where he was like,
"I don't own an ebay store."
Copy !req
295. So...
- Okay, okay.
Copy !req
296. You know what?
This is disgusting.
Copy !req
297. This is like a witch hunt.
Copy !req
298. This is like
the Blair witch hunt project.
Copy !req
299. - Oh, sure, those are
the expense reports
Copy !req
300. That corporate
was waiting for yesterday.
Copy !req
301. - Let's just make this kid
open this damn car.
Copy !req
302. - Oh, my gosh,
those are the pants
Copy !req
303. He wanted to return to talbots.
Copy !req
304. - I'm reconsidering
sending him back anyway.
Copy !req
305. - You get that kid
to open this car,
Copy !req
306. Or I'm gonna do it myself...
Copy !req
307. by calling AAA.
Copy !req
308. - Wait a minute.
- I'm in!
Copy !req
309. - Don't... all right.
Copy !req
310. Well, okay.
Copy !req
311. You've just committed a felony.
Copy !req
312. - Yep, here they are.
Copy !req
313. - Yep, I just lost a client
Copy !req
314. 'cause I swore I sent
these samples on time.
Copy !req
315. - This kid's costing us sales,
Michael.
Copy !req
316. - I'm sorry, do you want
to try them on again to see...
Copy !req
317. - No, I know they fit.
Copy !req
318. It's not about the fit.
Copy !req
319. - Why is this my problem,
Michael?
Copy !req
320. - Because Gabe tattled.
Copy !req
321. I was perfectly happy
Copy !req
322. To just hide it from you.
Copy !req
323. - Those overnight packages
needed to go out,
Copy !req
324. And Michael refuses to hold
the guilty party accountable.
Copy !req
325. - Lower yourself, Gabe.
Copy !req
326. I don't wanna be having
a conversation with your crotch.
Copy !req
327. Okay, now educate me
why you won't fire the boy.
Copy !req
328. - You don't have all the facts.
Copy !req
329. - Which are?
- I love him.
Copy !req
330. - Oh, God.
Copy !req
331. How far has it gone?
Copy !req
332. - No. No.
Copy !req
333. He's my nephew.
Copy !req
334. - Well, I got a nephew too.
Copy !req
335. But he don't work for me.
Copy !req
336. You know why?
Copy !req
337. 'cause he's a screw-up.
Copy !req
338. He can swim in my pool,
but he can't come in my house.
Copy !req
339. - Well, this office is my pool.
Copy !req
340. And my house is my house.
Copy !req
341. And I just want
my nephew to work
Copy !req
342. In my pool.
Copy !req
343. - If you keep him, Michael,
Copy !req
344. I'm gonna hold you
accountable for him.
Copy !req
345. You're on the hook
for this kid.
Copy !req
346. You got that?
- Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
347. - Cover his ass
like tidy whities.
Copy !req
348. - I will cover his ass like moss
on Mississippi tree stump.
Copy !req
349. - Was how I put it
on clear enough?
Copy !req
350. I mean, you had to go
and make up your own saying?
Copy !req
351. Deal with it, boys.
Copy !req
352. - Luke and I have been
working side by side
Copy !req
353. As master and commander.
Copy !req
354. Me as master, he as commander.
Copy !req
355. Occasionally,
he'll need a little push.
Copy !req
356. And I will do that,
and he'll slow down,
Copy !req
357. And then I'll push him again.
Copy !req
358. That's the thing with kids.
Copy !req
359. You have to keep pushing.
Copy !req
360. You have to push them
until they push you back.
Copy !req
361. And then you push some more.
Copy !req
362. It's all about give and take,
Copy !req
363. But mostly it's about
pushing each other.
Copy !req
364. - Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
365. This will be easy.
Copy !req
366. So just, like, rearrange
the buttons and stuff.
Copy !req
367. - Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
368. Like when he presses
"door closed,"
Copy !req
369. The doors open.
Copy !req
370. Or he presses "lobby,"
it goes to third floor.
Copy !req
371. Stuff like that.
Can you do that?
Copy !req
372. - Yeah. Let me take a look
at the circus board.
Copy !req
373. - Dwight is about
to get so pammed.
Copy !req
374. - Hey, did you
sms text message me?
Copy !req
375. - Yeah, I wanted to show you
something in the lobby.
Copy !req
376. Uh, come on.
Copy !req
377. - Okay, that's weird.
- Hmm.
Copy !req
378. - Just hitting "door closed."
what?
Copy !req
379. - There we go.
- Well...
Copy !req
380. - Uh...
- is this elevator going up?
Copy !req
381. - Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
382. - Hey... The elevator
is disobeying us!
Copy !req
383. Ohh-Kay. Okay.
Copy !req
384. We are stuck.
We are stuck.
Copy !req
385. - Um...
- Hank! Hank!
Copy !req
386. Can you hear us?
Copy !req
387. Oh, my God. Okay.
Copy !req
388. Emergency protocol.
Copy !req
389. - Oh...
- Just calm down.
Copy !req
390. - Pam, try and pry open
those front doors, immediately.
Copy !req
391. - I don't...
- use your talons!
Copy !req
392. Pry 'em open!
Copy !req
393. Okay, DWI...
oh, my God!
Copy !req
394. - Well, don't look, freak!
Copy !req
395. - Dwight, what are you doing?
Copy !req
396. - Well...
Copy !req
397. - We've only been in here
for, like, two seconds!
Copy !req
398. - I got 56 ounces
of fluid in my bladder!
Copy !req
399. And we have to establish
a pee corner.
Copy !req
400. - You've gotta be kidding me.
Copy !req
401. - Luke, is going to use
his laser pointer
Copy !req
402. To point to account setup.
Copy !req
403. You click on that first,
Copy !req
404. Then a whole new...
not... no, no, no.
Copy !req
405. Luke, come on.
Come on.
Copy !req
406. Not on Oscar's head.
Copy !req
407. - Tsh.
- All right.
Copy !req
408. Luke, come on.
Copy !req
409. Stop it.
- What? I'm stopping it.
Copy !req
410. That's what you said.
Copy !req
411. - Give me the pointer.
Copy !req
412. - So you just
want me to move it.
Copy !req
413. You're being totally
unclear here.
Copy !req
414. I'm just gonna go ahead
and move it.
Copy !req
415. - No, just power it down.
No, no, no, no, no.
Copy !req
416. Not on Angela's boob.
Come on. Come on.
Copy !req
417. Luke, seriously.
- All right, fine, fine.
Copy !req
418. I'll just go.
- Okay.
Copy !req
419. - I'm gone.
- All right. Okay.
Copy !req
420. Good job.
Copy !req
421. Okay, email accounts.
Copy !req
422. So we're starting
with account setup.
Copy !req
423. - Oh, my God,
is it in my eyeball?
Copy !req
424. - Yes.
- I think he's burning my eye.
Copy !req
425. - Michael, do something.
Copy !req
426. - Sack up, man.
Copy !req
427. - Okay, can I have that?
- No.
Copy !req
428. - Okay, I am going
to count down from five.
Copy !req
429. Five
Copy !req
430. Four.
Copy !req
431. - I'm not kidding.
Copy !req
432. Three.
Copy !req
433. Two. One.
- Give... okay.
Copy !req
434. - All right, give it up.
- No!
Copy !req
435. You... Are going to learn
to be more professional, Luke!
Copy !req
436. - What the...
Copy !req
437. - That's what you're
going to do, Luke!
Copy !req
438. - Aah!
What the hell was that?
Copy !req
439. - I had to do that.
Copy !req
440. - Hey, fuck this!
Copy !req
441. Screw it!
- All right. Are we good?
Copy !req
442. - You're okay.
Copy !req
443. He's okay.
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444. There are many different
schools of thought
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445. On capital punishment.
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446. - That was awesome.
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447. - Texas justice.
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448. - Yeah, your nephew is so lame.
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449. - He's been trashing us
relentlessly on Twitter.
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450. Yeah, it's funny stuff,
but mean.
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451. - You follow him on Twitter?
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452. - Everywhere I look,
it's Betty white this
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453. And Betty white that.
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454. Finally, a kid who's not
talking about Betty white.
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455. Of course I follow him.
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456. - Michael...
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457. You just physically
assaulted an employee.
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458. Can we talk in private?
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459. Yes, of course.
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460. What is this in reference to?
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461. - Pam?
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462. - Oh, hey, Jim.
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463. Some prankster switched
the elevator buttons on Dwight.
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464. - I did not do this.
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465. - I know.
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466. Yeah, and it was
going really great at first.
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467. I got video.
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468. - This is impressive.
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469. - Well, you know...
They don't call me
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470. The Bart Simpson of Scranton
for nothing.
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471. - Do they call you that?
- They do call me that.
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472. - Come on, give me your hand.
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473. I'll help you down.
- Nope.
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474. Scared of getting cut in half.
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475. Also, there's pee on the floor.
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476. - Oh! Course there is.
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477. Hey, Chinese tonight?
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478. - Yeah.
- Great.
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479. - How ya doin'?
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480. - Pretty good.
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481. You must be almost
out of water.
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482. - Stop drinking the water!
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483. Stop!
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484. - Yeah.
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485. - Oh!
- You...
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486. - No, no, no, no.
It's the other hand, right hand.
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487. - Right hand?
- Yeah.
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488. - Would have been nice
to work with my family.
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489. It would have been nice
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490. If Luke had been able
to stay here.
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491. But he couldn't.
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492. These things seldom work out.
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493. I don't know how
Ringling brothers do it.
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494. Night after night,
town after town,
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495. All across America.
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496. You would think they'd
be sick of each other by now.
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497. But, clearly,
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498. They make it work.
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499. And my hat's off to them.
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500. - Argh!
- Whoa! Whoa! Hey. Whoa.
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501. - You...
- hey...
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502. - Dwight...
- Dwight...
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503. - Stop!
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504. - Legal says the best way
to protect us from a lawsuit
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505. Is to call this
a stress-induced outburst.
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506. - You will have to undergo
six sessions of counseling.
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507. - That's it?
Really?
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508. That's nothing.
All right.
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509. That's highway robbery.
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510. Good.
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511. Well, thats the spirit.
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512. I can do that.
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513. And you will do your
counseling right here
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514. because
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515. Okay. Wait, what?
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516. Yeah, I'm really looking forward
to work with you, Michael.
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517. Is there another option?
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518. Don't try to do
this termination.
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519. Michael?
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