The Office 6x5

1. The fundamentals of business. The fundamentals of business.

2. "Mental" is a part of the word. I have underlined it.

3. Because you're mental if you don't have a good time.

4. You have to enjoy it.

5. (STUTTERlNG) "Fun" is in it.

6. "Fun"-damental.

7. Oh, right.

8. Get out. I know, I know.

9. Yes, so, it all starts with a handshake.

10. But you can't just go right to the selling. You need small talk.

11. What topics can you use for small talk?

12. Golf, stock market, Dave Matthews.

13. Yes, what else?

14. Small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes.

15. No.

16. The weekend. Yeah! That's good.

17. Come on up. Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something.

18. So, Meredith and I have just started conversing,

19. and I will say, "So, Meredith,

20. "how was your weekend? What did you do?"

21. Well, I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.

22. All right. He calls it an "upper-decker."

23. Okay, okay. God. (EXHALES)

24. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with.

25. Then do it. What?

26. Write a book.

27. The Fundamentals of Business by Michael Scott.

28. Over one billion sold.

29. More than the Bible. I'm not surprised. Chapter One.

30. The businessman . . .

31. Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott.

32. He's the person you should talk to.

33. Hi. I'm sorry, just a sec.

34. (SOFTLY) Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper.

35. Do you have any idea how valuable my time is?

36. In your schedule, it just says 9:00 till noon is creative space.

37. I thought this could be part of that.

38. Do you know how creative space works?

39. Okay, fine. Just cancel my afternoon.

40. You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says "free play."

41. Push free play till tomorrow morning.

42. Hi. Sorry, crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made.

43. Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.

44. As a manager of business, you've got a lot of pride.

45. Hmm.

46. But you also got a lot of responsibility.

47. Yep.

48. None greater, perhaps, than the need to be sure

49. that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss.

50. Okay.

51. There's nothing more insulting to a great salesman

52. than having to listen to a bad salesman.

53. It's like a great basketball player

54. having to listen to a bad basketball player.

55. Jim's gone on his honeymoon.

56. So, I started borrowing his office to fart in.

57. Then one day, I came in and I just stayed.

58. 'Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now.

59. Even better than my home. My home sucks.

60. What do you think?

61. I think you're right.

62. Definitely looks suspicious.

63. And his southern ltalian heritage raises some flags.

64. God forbid you should have a fire in the warehouse.

65. Oh! Yep. Yeah. Definitely. All that paper burning up.

66. Yeah, and the truck goes off the side of the road, there's injury.

67. Mmm-hmm, I hear you. The truck.

68. You will be hearing from me, Mr. Scott.

69. Okay, well . . .

70. I can be very, very persistent.

71. Do your worst.

72. All right.

73. Would you look at that, people?

74. What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?

75. Thank you.

76. What happened in there? Nothing,

77. other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman.

78. Did he threaten you?

79. No, Dwight. Not everything is a threat.

80. Mobsters are.

81. There is no such thing as monsters.

82. He drives an SUV. I knew it.

83. More trunk space, or should I say corpse space.

84. Okay, guys, I drive an SUV. Does that mean I'm in the mob?

85. No, not that by itself, but look at all the facts.

86. He seems like a mobster.

87. Wait, when did we start talking about the mob?

88. The guy was trying to sell me insurance.

89. All mobsters have a front.

90. Sometimes it's selling insurance,

91. sometimes it's waste management or sanitation.

92. For the record, not all ltalian-Americans are in the Mafia.

93. I think he just seemed like he was trying to sell me insurance.

94. Yeah. "Buy my insurance or I burn your warehouse down."

95. Exactly.

96. He did talk about a fire in the warehouse.

97. And he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.

98. All right. Who else is here?

99. Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon,

100. so there's not the usual balance between sane and others.

101. Toby has mentally checked out since June.

102. It's a very dangerous time. The coalition for reason is extremely weak.

103. Oscar says I checked out, huh?

104. Huh!

105. This is bad. All right. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

106. Calm down, calm down, calm down.

107. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?

108. Well, first of all, there's no such thing as the Mafia.

109. Okay. What you have are specific families.

110. What's the guy's last name?

111. Um, it is Grotti.

112. Oh, no. That is . . .

113. What? What?

114. John Gotti, you idiot.

115. It's a completely different name.

116. So he won't get caught. Yeah.

117. It's pretty close.

118. What are you talking about?

119. What mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti? It weakens it.

120. No, I disagree. "R" is among the most menacing of sounds.

121. That's why they call it "murder," not "mukduk."

122. Okay, too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.

123. Lock your door.

124. I'm not going to lock my door.

125. (ON PHONE) Hello? Jim, it's Oscar.

126. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.

127. Oscar, what is going on?

128. It's Michael. He thinks he's being shaken down by the mob.

129. I don't know how you usually handle this.

130. (CHUCKLES) We're in Puerto Rico, so...

131. Hey, Oscar. It's Pam, hey. Hey.

132. We're on our honeymoon.

133. Pam, I'm sorry.

134. Unless someone very close to us

135. is in immediate physical danger,

136. you should not be calling us.

137. You're right, you're right.

138. (DlAL TONE SOUNDlNG) All right. Okay, bye.

139. It's from Grotti. He's following up.

140. Already?

141. (LAUGHlNG) This guy's persistent.

142. Okay. "l feel that you will regret

143. "missing this great opportunity to be in business."

144. That's bad. That's bad. Yeah. Yeah.

145. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it or . . .

146. Yeah, right. You heard him,

147. he's going to burn the warehouse down

148. or run one of our trucks off the road.

149. Okay, I'm calling the police.

150. That is the stupidest thing you could do right now.

151. No, he's right. Cops can't do anything

152. until a crime has been reported.

153. All right. Not only that,

154. but if they find out you snitched,

155. you get a dead horse's chopped off head in your bed.

156. You know what? (SHUSHlNG) That's not going to happen.

157. That's an exaggeration. That's how it works.

158. What am l supposed to do here?

159. When somebody threatens you, you give in right away.

160. Okay, you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back.

161. I was thinking exactly the same thing.

162. No. Criminals are like raccoons, okay?

163. You give them a taste of cat food,

164. pretty soon they'll be back for the whole cat.

165. Dwight. The only way to defeat a bully

166. is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people.

167. I don't know. I don't know about that.

168. Wait. Let's hear him out. This is interesting.

169. Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place,

170. ask him to lunch or something like that.

171. Someplace where he can't be openly violent.

172. Okay. Let him know

173. that you are not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down,

174. that you're stubborn, that you might even be a little bit dangerous.

175. I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan.

176. Hold on, hold on, just . . .

177. No, no, no, no. My plan is out.

178. We do it the hard way.

179. All right, I will meet with him, but I'm not going alone.

180. (CHUCKLlNG) Well, you're going to have to. We'll be right beside you.

181. What?

182. All right.

183. What are you wearing? Who's Pat?

184. if I'm going to back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion.

185. And I have to justify it somehow,

186. so I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.

187. Do you know how to use it?

188. To change tires, no.

189. But, I mean, it's metal, I can hit somebody with it.

190. Let's go, come on.

191. God. God.

192. Should I change? You're wearing loafers.

193. Forget it. Forget it.

194. Take that thing off the table. Please.

195. Well, then I can't use it. I'm just going to hide it.

196. Hey. The bathroom checks out clean.

197. Nothing behind the toilet except this roach motel.

198. No! God! Oh, my God.

199. You'll never kill it that way. Guys.

200. You want to separate the head from the thorax.

201. Guys, guys. Cool it.

202. There he is, there he is.

203. Hello. Mr. Scott, hello.

204. Mr. Grotti, we meet again. These are my associates.

205. Hi, Angelo Grotti.

206. Hi. Hello.

207. So . . . You got this table?

208. Yes. What's this, one of them half-booths,

209. can't-decide-what-it-is type of thing?

210. Well . . .

211. Waitress, we're going to sit over here.

212. That's fine.

213. Okay.

214. Hello?

215. (ON PHONE) Hello, Mr. Halpert.

216. I'm calling from the Identity Theft department at Capital One.

217. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card.

218. Oh, man. Do you think it was stolen?

219. First, would you mind verifying your home address?

220. Um . . . Yes.

221. 383 Linden Ave. , Scranton, PA.

222. And may I have the last four digits of your social security?

223. Six-six-five-zero.

224. Well, Mr. Halpert, you're obviously not in San Juan, Puerto Rico.

225. Wait a minute. Yes, I am.

226. I'm going to go ahead and put a hold on your card.

227. No. That . . . l . . .

228. I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.

229. Very funny, sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away.

230. No. Have a nice day and thank you.

231. Shoot.

232. if you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that.

233. if you want to replace your current coverage, all the better.

234. Hey, you seem like a nice guy.

235. Oh, he's not that nice.

236. That's true. Mmm-hmm.

237. That's very true. Okay, shut up.

238. Have you decided?

239. Yeah, I'll have the linguini, red sauce on the side.

240. if the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back.

241. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt.

242. if it comes burnt, I will send it back.

243. Okay, then. And for you, sir?

244. I will have the gabbagool.

245. The what?

246. The gabbagool.

247. I don't really know what that is.

248. You know, gabbagool.

249. I don't have to have that.

250. What he's trying to say is, gabbagool.

251. Guys, guys, all right.

252. I don't really think that we have that.

253. That's okay. Bring him the gabbagool.

254. (SHUSHlNG) I will have the spaghetti with a side salad.

255. Okay.

256. if the salad is on top, I send it back.

257. Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards?

258. I usually can think quick on my feet,

259. but they were so fast on the phone.

260. This constitutes identity fraud.

261. Oh, God.

262. I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar. I'm not like you.

263. What's that supposed to mean?

264. What, you don't know about jail?

265. You would love jail.

266. Why would I love jail?

267. Because . . . You would love it.

268. I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So, I am out.

269. Look closely, Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you.

270. Maybe we have a plan for you.

271. How about you?

272. Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind.

273. Anybody can get hurt.

274. You always think it can't happen to you, and . . .

275. Think about it.

276. Excuse me. Sorry to bother you.

277. Are you a mechanic?

278. Yeah.

279. My battery's dead. I've got my kid. Can you please help?

280. Yes, I can.

281. No, no, no, no, come on.

282. I'm sorry, we're having our salads.

283. Come on, lady in distress.

284. Go, go.

285. Okay. Sorry.

286. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

287. Hey, do you need any help?

288. I'm sure he can handle a simple jumpstart.

289. Now, come on, sit down.

290. He's a good mechanic.

291. Sit down.

292. Where were we? I don't . . .

293. He was trying to force you to sign a policy. Okay, okay, okay.

294. So, we're choosing . . . Okay. Yep.

295. Did you check out Dental? All right, put it down.

296. Black goes on the red with the . . . if we . . . Positive . . .

297. It being a motor drive, it's probably down.

298. He seems bad at this.

299. You want to do this, junior? I didn't think so.

300. I'm sorry, just had kind of a long day at the mechanic store.

301. You've got a leaky spark tube.

302. What?

303. So, your car's totaled.

304. You're gonna want to get a refund on that.

305. Or my guy could do it, he's great. But I can't do that for you.

306. I work exclusively on motorcycles.

307. All right.

308. Now, if you could just sign this letter of intent,

309. I'll bring this back to my boss

310. and we can get this in motion.

311. You okay, Pat?

312. Yeah, I was just thinking

313. about how I had this car. It was this ltalian car.

314. And I was driving it,

315. and it kept telling me how much

316. it needed oil, but I wouldn't give it any oil.

317. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone,

318. and that's what I'm afraid of.

319. Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in a car?

320. It was before my technical training.

321. Don't do it.

322. Do it.

323. Don't. Just do it.

324. Okay. Don't do it.

325. Look, Mike, I don't know what your friends are telling you,

326. but you have to decide for yourself.

327. I mean, are these guys going to take care

328. of your things if you die tomorrow?

329. Yes.

330. Okay.

331. I don't understand. Why would you buy a policy?

332. It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.

333. You were man enough to back down, Michael. I'm proud of you.

334. I had to make a snap decision, Dwight.

335. It wasn't a snap decision. You were sitting there for an hour.

336. It was a lot of snap decisions.

337. Do you know what "snap decision" means? Yes.

338. It means like this. (SNAPS FlNGER)

339. Just get in the car.

340. (ON PHONE) Hello? Jim?

341. Michael? Oh, thank God.

342. How did you get this number? (SlGHlNG)

343. Michael, we're on a catamaran.

344. It wasn't easy.

345. I had to tell the hotel that it was a medical emergency.

346. I chose a massive coronary because

347. you told me that your dad had a bad heart.

348. Listen, man, I got a problem.

349. I think I'm in trouble with the mob or a major insurance carrier.

350. That sounds bad. Yeah, I know.

351. And you usually can get out of stuff like this,

352. so I'm turning to you, my friend.

353. I'm going to help you through it, all right?

354. Okay.

355. All you're going to need...

356. And then go to...

357. Jim. Are you . . .

358. And you'll be saved.

359. What? Wait. I didn't hear a thing you just said.

360. Just... And then you'll be saved.

361. No! God, I missed the important part again.

362. No. Oh, my God.

363. And you'll be saved. No, Jim.

364. Please repeat what you're saying, I can't understand you.

365. Bermuda Triangle... Please don't call again.

366. Jim?

367. Oh, my God.

368. Hey, question for you.

369. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford given my present salary.

370. ls there anything accounting-wise I can do

371. to sort of make it all go away?

372. Accounting-wise, no, but phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.

373. No, no.

374. Um . . .

375. What about this Cash for Clunkers thing?

376. Just, no. No.

377. Okay. All right, well, it was a thought. Thanks.

378. We have let Michael down, and it's 85% your fault.

379. He's alive, so you're welcome.

380. Not on the inside, he's not.

381. Look at his life. Broke, living in fear, no friends, dead-end job.

382. Yeah, some of that existed before.

383. Not the living in fear, that's new.

384. You're right, that is new.

385. Yes.

386. He's got to stand up to this Mafia guy.

387. Well, I don't see that happening.

388. Me neither.

389. Not the way things are now.

390. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the Mafia guy?

391. Are you saying . . . Yeah.

392. . . . that we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?

393. What is wrong with you?

394. I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not Mafia.

395. That seems a little farfetched.

396. What, more farfetched than a mobster walking into a paper company

397. for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.

398. Michael, incredible news. Grotti is clean.

399. No, he's not. He's just good.

400. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works.

401. No, Michael, what we're trying to say is,

402. we made a mistake assuming he was Mafia.

403. I have a buddy who's a Fed and we did a background check on the guy,

404. his background is perfectly clean.

405. It's true, he's clean.

406. I have a couple of friends still on the force, checked with them,

407. ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take.

408. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy.

409. Sweetest guy on the force, really.

410. Class act. Boy scout.

411. But Grotti acts like he's Mafia, though.

412. He's trying to intimidate you to close sales.

413. He's just a pushy salesman.

414. And he made us all look like chumps.

415. if there is one thing I hate more than the Mafia, it is a liar.

416. I wish the Mafia would go out and kill all the liars.

417. And bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing.

418. Not that I would be lying, per se,

419. but I would just get really quiet all of a sudden.

420. (ON PHONE) This is Grotti. This is Scott.

421. Oh! Great, Michael. I'm just finishing up your paperwork right now.

422. Oh, really? Is that supposed to scare me?

423. I thought you'd be pleased.

424. Well, you thought wrong.

425. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of p.o.'d.

426. Why? I think you know exactly why.

427. Because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance.

428. I don't get it. How was I scaring you?

429. I think you knew exactly what you were doing,

430. and frankly, I think you were being a total and utter jerk.

431. Ooh, okay.

432. You suck. Okay. That's . . .

433. And I'm not going to buy your stupid insurance.

434. That's good, let's wrap it up. Okay. How about that?

435. The only person that actually needs insurance is you,

436. if you show your face around here again. Got it?

437. Look, Michael, when we all calm down here,

438. maybe at some point in the future,

439. you change your mind, why don't you give me a call?

440. Doubt it.

441. Oh, man.

442. What a tool.

443. What?

444. Next time you look in the mirror,

445. you're going to be looking at a guy who stood down the Mafia.

446. No. What do you mean?

447. We just told you he wasn't Mafia so you wouldn't be scared.

448. What?

449. You successfully backed down the mob.

450. You made the Mafia apologize to you. You made the Mafia be polite.

451. Oh, man.

452. I should be mad at you guys.

453. But I'm not.

454. So, I looked him in the eye and I said,

455. "Not today, Grotti. Not today.

456. "And not tomorrow, and not the next day, or the day after that.

457. "And you can tell all your friends that

458. "if I see them, then they are already dead."

459. I said something like that.

460. Very close.

461. Just to be clear, he backed down

462. an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.

463. Erin? Yes?

464. Coffee. Okay.

465. Not from the kitchen, Stop & Shop.

466. if it's not Stop & Shop, I send it back.

467. Okay.

468. Large. if it's a medium, I send it back.

469. if it's an extra large, I send it back.

470. How do you return coffee?

471. Go.

472. Any questions?

473. (ON PHONE) Are you kidding me?

474. Hi, Pam. ls Jim there?

475. Listen, our credit card has been canceled and we have to deal with that.

476. And I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here.

477. Okay, that sounds good. I'll let you go.

478. Just tell Jim that I said hi.

479. I will. I will, Kevin. I will make that my top priority.

480. Cool. Okay. Bye.

481. They have no idea what happened.