The Office 6x4

1. I'm sorry, you guys have probably noticed

2. my stomach's a little more sensitive lately.

3. So, if you wouldn't mind wearing a little less perfume.

4. And if your lunch is especially pungent,

5. maybe have it in the break room.

6. We would really appreciate it.

7. Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy.

8. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed.

9. It's amazing, a three-ounce fetus is calling the shots.

10. It's so badass.

11. Phyllis, if you could switch to a different soap,

12. just for a month or two. Yours is kind of perfumey.

13. Now this is getting ridiculous.

14. Oh, gee. I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting

15. where we all voted for you to get pregnant.

16. No. I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk.

17. All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars.

18. And I am not stopping for anybody.

19. I don't think I'm asking for too much.

20. I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace.

21. Watching people get sick always makes me sick.

22. And, frankly, so does talking about it. So, wow.

23. Well, what do you think?

24. I spent all morning doing it.

25. It is really special.

26. Yeah, but aren't you supposed to do that to our . . . No. It's great.

27. Well, it's just a really important day for me.

28. Well, congrats. Thanks.

29. Dunder Mifflin Scranton will be closed today and Friday

30. for a company wedding in Niagara Falls.

31. So please leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.

32. Have a great day.

33. Believe it or not, Kevin, firecrackers are in the "Don't" column.

34. So, you're going to provide them, then?

35. No, this is a firecracker-free wedding.

36. What the hell? You've got to be kidding me.

37. Okay, all of these things are important to remember,

38. but the most important thing

39. is that no one say anything

40. about my pregnancy at the wedding.

41. Absolutely. Because not everyone knows

42. and some people might be offended.

43. Decent people everywhere will get offended.

44. Well, we're thinking of my grandmother, who we haven't told

45. and who is very old-fashioned.

46. Well, you're lucky to have a grandmother.

47. Some of us have to be our own grandmother.

48. You know, Angela, you don't have to come to the wedding.

49. Really, Pam? Yes, she does. Yes, she does.

50. We're all going to go and we're going to have a good time.

51. Ow! He pinched me. No.

52. Next time we're all in this room, Jim and I will be married.

53. We'll see.

54. Thank you, Dwight.

55. Goodbye. See you later.

56. Bye. Bye.

57. Hey, and don't embarrass me when we go to Niagara.

58. What happens in Niagara stays in Niagara.

59. Don't, don't, don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke.

60. No, I didn't steal your joke.

61. Yes, I said that yesterday.

62. But you can say that about anything.

63. What happens in Accounting stays in Accounting.

64. Oh, yeah!

65. No, no, no, no. Please, please. Dwight, that's my joke.

66. Yeah, but it's so easy. That's what I'm saying. You can say . . .

67. No, okay. This is what I am talking about.

68. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls,

69. we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone.

70. This is a very important wedding for this branch.

71. The most important wedding until I get married.

72. So I want you all on your best behavior,

73. or so help me God . . .

74. So I will see you up there in Viagra Falls.

75. Pam and Jim's wedding will be the single best pickup destination

76. in the history of the universe.

77. I stole the guest list from Jim's desk,

78. and I search-engined every female on both sides of the family.

79. Get out of here. Yes.

80. Oh, my God, Dwight.

81. For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster.

82. There's a name.

83. Two years ago, she was selling a mountain bike.

84. Oh! Well, tell me about Jocelyn.

85. Yes.

86. What's she like? I will, I will.

87. Well, she's really into mountain biking. But not so much lately.

88. Okay.

89. She had a couple hundred dollars to spend.

90. I mean, if she was able to sell her bike.

91. Is that all you have on her?

92. Well, if this is in fact her, because it's a very common name.

93. Okay, you're an idiot.

94. People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office,

95. but I'm going to turn that around at this wedding.

96. I thought, "How can I take it to the next Ievel?"

97. The hair.

98. It's the hair.

99. Okay, okay! I'm going.

100. God!

101. Hey, do one of you guys want to sit up front with me

102. so I have someone to talk to?

103. It's like a five-hour drive-ish, you know.

104. Nah, this is so much cooler.

105. We feel like we're in a limo and you're our driver.

106. Hmm.

107. Erin?

108. Oh, no. That wouldn't be fair to leave Kelly alone in the back.

109. Not only is Erin really sweet and cute, she smells like my mom.

110. Hey, my aunt told me something neat. Yeah?

111. She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast,

112. we should try to take mental pictures of the high points.

113. Oh. Wow. That's cool.

114. Yeah.

115. Click.

116. You blinked. Damn it, now that's in my brain forever.

117. Oh!

118. Lousy picture!

119. We should have hired a professional to take the mental pictures.

120. Oh, God, wow.

121. Oh! I was asleep.

122. What? No way.

123. Those glasses are super dark.

124. Oh. Wow.

125. Okay. All right, we need some tunes, I think.

126. You know what, I made you a CD.

127. You did? That was nice of you. Mmm-hmm.

128. This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.

129. Oh! Very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood.

130. Delightful. Pop that in.

131. You're going to like this.

132. Hello. My name is Dwight Schrute.

133. If you are listening to this,

134. you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced.

135. Ah! To be in your shoes!

136. "What's next?" you're probably wondering.

137. Don't be scared of your night in heaven.

138. Are you serious?

139. You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?

140. Yeah. It's practical. My God.

141. No, no. It's . . .

142. That's not how it works.

143. Niagara Falls used to be, like, a spiritual experience to people.

144. They stayed in tents and it blew their minds.

145. But it's really kitschy now, which is a lot of fun.

146. Halpert. Halpert.

147. And Beesly.

148. Tonight we're in two separate rooms

149. and then tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite.

150. Great.

151. I know, we're pretty excited, too.

152. Can we take a look at the suite now?

153. I'm sorry. Somebody just checked in.

154. ls there another wedding at the hotel this weekend?

155. Oh, no. Just an individual. That man there.

156. Hey, I got the room the night before you guys.

157. I'll break in the bed.

158. I don't like that.

159. I'm going to need the name and cell phone number

160. of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please.

161. Hello, reservation for Michael Scott.

162. One moment while I check.

163. Their proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement.

164. Mmm-hmm.

165. I'm sorry, sir. I'm not seeing you in here.

166. When did you make your reservation?

167. I don't have a reservation,

168. but I want a room in the Beesly-Halpert block of rooms.

169. Oh! Okay. Unfortunately, sir, the block only applies to the rate.

170. I'm afraid we're all sold out.

171. Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation.

172. Confirmation number, Romeo-Tango-G-seven- seven-four-five.

173. Yes. Schrute.

174. And I had spoken to Teresa about a room with two safes.

175. Sure, no problem. Okay.

176. There's your key, Mr. Schrute. Well, good.

177. Thank you.

178. Dwight. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight.

179. I need to stay in your room.

180. No way. What if I meet someone?

181. I'm staying in your . . . Come on, Dwight.

182. No. Michael. I would do the same for you.

183. You would? Yes.

184. Really? Yes. Let's just go.

185. Wait a second. No, no, no. This must be some kind of mistake.

186. This reservation is under an M. Scott.

187. Oh! This must be yours.

188. Thank God.

189. Oh, no. Now that I don't have a room, can I stay with you?

190. Um . . .

191. No. You know what, I would say yes, but you can't.

192. And I'll tell you why.

193. Please.

194. if I have a woman up there

195. and things are getting amorous,

196. she's going to get turned off if she looks in the bathroom

197. and she sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay, okay?

198. Okay, okay. Ah, ha-ha! That was a test and you have failed

199. for this is my room, okay?

200. You would not share with me. I don't have a room?

201. No, you do not. Okay.

202. (MOCKlNGLY) Ooh! You must pass the dungeon wisdom test.

203. Jerk. It worked.

204. When Mary was denied a room at the inn, Jesus was born.

205. When Michael was denied a room at the inn,

206. we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.

207. Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson.

208. Hey, Stanley, favor. Could I stay in your room tonight?

209. Are you out of your mind? I brought Cynthia with me.

210. Not in the same bed. In the other bed.

211. I got one queen-sized bed.

212. You are kidding me.

213. A queen-sized bed is five feet wide.

214. I am not five feet wide, Michael.

215. I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying, be careful.

216. Hey, guys. Hey, could I stay in your room tonight?

217. Oh, gross. Blow my brains out.

218. That's rude.

219. Michael, I have an extra twin bed if you want.

220. You are going to be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life,

221. so you should just get used to it.

222. So, which one is Pam's grandma?

223. Oh, Meemaw? She's the one in the teal suit.

224. She's the only 80-year-old with no smile wrinkles.

225. Dad, remember, no mention of the baby, right?

226. No.

227. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's very conservative.

228. So, mum's the word.

229. Mom, Dad, this is Michael Scott. How you doing?

230. Hi. Nice to meet you.

231. Nice to meet you. Who's doing a toast?

232. I would like to go third, sort of bat cleanup if . . .

233. Michael, I thought we discussed

234. that we'd rather you not speak, like, at all.

235. Because it's just going to be blood relatives, I think.

236. That is seriously going to impede my ability

237. to hook up with your female relatives.

238. Pretty sure everybody heard that.

239. Didn't move my lips.

240. Hey, Meemaw.

241. I wasn't sure about your branch of the family

242. after I heard about your parents' divorce.

243. But you and Jim are just perfect.

244. God bless you.

245. Thank you, but nobody's perfect.

246. Well, I wouldn't care to live if I thought that.

247. Mr. Beesly, how are you?

248. I'd like you to meet Kristy Kelly.

249. Oh! Is this your niece?

250. No, no. She's my girlfriend. Hey, can you make room at the head table?

251. From quarter three to quarter four, up 17%.

252. While his sales, down 2%. It's all there in the report.

253. Why would they make the bad man your boss

254. if you're so much smarter?

255. Excellent question. Because while I was busy

256. trying to improve the company and make it a success, Jim . . .

257. The bad man was busy kissing the boss man's butt.

258. Ew!

259. That's right. It is ew. It's very ew.

260. Oscar, Kevin, this is my sister, Penny. She's also my maid of honor.

261. Pleased to meet you.

262. I'm sorry, it's Kevin? I thought it was Gil.

263. She thought I was your boyfriend.

264. You thought I was dating this?

265. What the hell is wrong with you?

266. Oscar, it was an honest mistake.

267. Him? Him?

268. Oscar, I would be proud to date you.

269. I'm sorry.

270. I'm not gay. I'm Kevin.

271. Nice to meet you, Kevin.

272. Yeah. You owe me an apology.

273. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean . . .

274. Are you seeing anyone right now?

275. She has a boyfriend. He's out of town.

276. Cool. Thank you.

277. I was the youngest VP in company history.

278. More recently, he worked in a bowling alley.

279. Tell her one of your funny bowling alley stories.

280. How did Meredith get put at the young people's table?

281. She probably switched cards with someone.

282. Like I did with Erin.

283. (STUTTERlNG) What? You can't . . . That's . . . You're . . .

284. Jim and Pam, I can't tell you how happy I am to be here.

285. Head table, where I belong.

286. It's just for family.

287. Well, who's that one?

288. lsabel Poreba. I got stuff on her.

289. In 1996, her 10th grade volleyball team went ten and two.

290. What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight?

291. That's a very good record.

292. All right, so I'll be like, "He is so sweet, guys, and so kind."

293. That's when I'll do the face like . . .

294. Like, "What?" Right.

295. And then we'll just give him a little punch to the back.

296. A noogie. Although, you know what?

297. Never too married for a noogie.

298. Never.

299. They have hilarious material and they're going to totally deliver it wrong.

300. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me up there.

301. It should be me and Pete, not Pete and Tom.

302. Pam, you've got the greatest smile

303. and your body is really fine.

304. Smoking.

305. Hoping it'll make our wives kick it up a notch.

306. (LAUGHlNG) A little more cardio.

307. That's not appropriate.

308. Hello. Hi, everybody.

309. I promised I wasn't going to make a toast and I'm not going to.

310. Just going to do a little freestanding comedy,

311. and if at the end

312. everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim,

313. then so be it.

314. Hey, what is the deal with the Smart car?

315. How smart is that? Those things are tiny.

316. Can you even drive them in traffic?

317. (MOCKlNGLY) "Oh, I'm so smart. E equals MC squared. I drive a Smart car."

318. That's not smart in my book.

319. The real smart car is KlTT,

320. from Knight Rider. Knight Rider.

321. That's a car that can talk. Can Smart car talk?

322. Nope. That's not smart. No.

323. And also Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

324. Very smart.

325. And everybody can laugh.

326. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.

327. Nope. Yeah, go ahead.

328. All right. Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming.

329. (COUGHS) Douche!

330. Aw! Thanks, Pete. That was really nice.

331. I just want to say how happy we are

332. that all of you are here tonight.

333. And I want to especially thank those of you

334. who have traveled from far away to be here with us tonight.

335. Especially the Florida cousins,

336. who obviously can't take a hint.

337. Four years ago, I was just a guy

338. who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend.

339. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do,

340. which was just to wait.

341. Don't get me wrong, I flirted with her.

342. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family

343. that I do know how to make a photocopy.

344. Didn't need your help that many times.

345. And do you remember how long it took you

346. to teach me how to drive stick?

347. Like a year.

348. I've been driving stick since high school.

349. So, yes, yes. For a really long time that's all I had.

350. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend.

351. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long

352. for a date with a girl who I worked with,

353. but I think even then I knew that

354. I was waiting for my wife.

355. So, I would like to propose a toast.

356. So, if you'd all raise your glasses, not Pam, for obvious reasons.

357. But everyone else, if you would raise your glasses . . .

358. What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink?

359. Pam can't drink? Who . . . I didn't . . . I shouldn't have said that.

360. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants.

361. Though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic.

362. Pam is an alcoholic.

363. Jim.

364. That's not true. No.

365. (STUTTERlNG) What we wanted . . . The real reason

366. is that Pam's pregnant.

367. Okay, okay, okay.

368. Hey, what I think Jim is trying to say is that

369. they had an accident.

370. And you know what? These two people, they're living together,

371. they are having lots of consensual sex.

372. They were living together?

373. Yes, yes, they were living together. Yes.

374. And you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time,

375. because, frankly, it's just a different sensation.

376. Michael. When you come . . . Well?

377. Am I wrong? They say it's not different,

378. but it's a different sensation . . .

379. Oh, my God, no, please.

380. . . . when you use something to block . . .

381. I think everybody knows what I am talking about.

382. It's not necessarily different for the woman.

383. Michael.

384. But it is different . . . Okay, okay, okay.

385. Michael, stop.

386. All right.

387. My point is, I said what I wanted to say.

388. And, Meemaw, I hope you heard every word.

389. All right. Jim.

390. To waiting.

391. To waiting.

392. Okay. To waiting.

393. I should have known.

394. The hotel's television set had a movie on called Brüno last night.

395. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it,

396. I couldn't turn it off.

397. So, I had to just sit there while it happened to me.

398. I wondered, "How could they pick such a hotel?"

399. Hmm. Now I know.

400. Meemaw.

401. (WHlSPERlNG) I think it was a little touch-and-go at first,

402. but we saved it, I believe.

403. I can't believe it was me.

404. I know. I can't believe it was you, either.

405. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me.

406. ls there something about being a manager

407. that makes you say stupid things?

408. I have not found that to be the case.

409. Hey, smooth guys.

410. I am so sorry.

411. Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me.

412. Meemaw's not coming to the wedding.

413. She's leaving tomorrow morning.

414. Oh, my God. Are you serious?

415. There's going to be a free room?

416. Hi, Meemaw. It's Michael.

417. Oh! You're that foul man that kept talking about intercourse.

418. Yes. Yep, one and the same. May l?

419. I am actually great with old women.

420. In fact, for the longest time my best friend was my grandmother.

421. And then she met Harriet,

422. and now she thinks she's better than everybody.

423. I want to go to bed, but I can't.

424. I can't turn that television off.

425. Oh! Okay, well. Hook you up there.

426. Oh!

427. Thank you. You're welcome.

428. It was that horrible Charlie Rose.

429. Oh. isn't he terrible? May l?

430. Here's the thing.

431. Meemaw, I think you just need to chill out

432. about this whole "Pam getting pregnant" thing.

433. It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day.

434. And women have sex before marriage.

435. And I think we need to celebrate that.

436. And I know, in your day, she would be considered a whore.

437. But now, women go out and they have sex,

438. and they get wild, and they take their tops off.

439. And they have pictures taken of them.

440. And we need to encourage that. That's part of life.

441. People are like cats and dogs these days.

442. Exactly.

443. This used to be such a great country.

444. I know.

445. I don't know what happened to it.

446. They're going to name the baby after you, you know.

447. They're going to call it Meemaw.

448. You mean Sylvia.

449. Yes.

450. And if it's a boy they will call it Silvio.

451. Party, room 639.

452. Yes.

453. Chicks are going to be off the hook. Guys, too, Oscar.

454. Like Calvin Klein models.

455. That sounds epic.

456. Can we bring anything?

457. Nothing.

458. Except for $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know.

459. Because that would help me deliver on some promises I made.

460. Whoo!

461. No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw-down.

462. If I was a girl, I would seriously reconsider coming to this party.

463. But don't tell them that I said that because I want them there.

464. And where do you think you're going?

465. I was just going to go down to the hotel bar for a little bit.

466. Well, why don't I just save you some time

467. and kick you in the stomach instead?

468. I just wanted to get out of my room for a little while.

469. Mmm-hmm?

470. Okay, I'll go with you. Come on.

471. (SlGHS) Never mind.

472. Are you sure? Yeah.

473. Could be fun. No.

474. What are you wearing?

475. Come on. It's a casual, social outfit.

476. Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight.

477. No, they're howling at the moon.

478. It's suggestive to women because of howling during sex.

479. Okay.

480. That's not appropriate.

481. Uncool. Uncool, Dwight.

482. Okay, okay. Come on, let's go.

483. Good, it's good. No, it's not a good idea.

484. There's no such thing as a good hairpiece.

485. Yeah, but that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar.

486. You have that thick, beautiful Chicano hair.

487. So nice.

488. I'm just worried about the farm, you know?

489. Mose hates to geld the horses by himself.

490. Dwight, Dwight, shut up about the farm.

491. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm.

492. Wait, you're worried about your horses? That's cool.

493. How many horses do you have?

494. Nine and three-quarters.

495. I invented a device called "burger on the go."

496. It allows you to obtain six regular-sized hamburgers or twelve sliders

497. from a horse without killing the animal.

498. George Foreman is still considering it.

499. Sharper lmage is still considering it.

500. Sky Mall is still considering it.

501. Hammacher Schlemmer is still considering it.

502. Sears said no.

503. Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up.

504. I bawl the entire time. I cannot watch Pixar.

505. Michael. Yes?

506. Drop this one, abort. Why?

507. I found twins.

508. Oh, my God. Twins.

509. I'm sorry, you understand. Nice to meet you.

510. Aren't they magnificent?

511. They're men, Dwight.

512. I love finding a good set of twins.

513. Something is wrong with you.

514. Yeah, Meredith. That's cool.

515. You call that a robot? Try being more robotic, okay? Like this.

516. Lame. What else you got, Andy?

517. How about a little bit of this?

518. Oh, yeah? What else you got?

519. Yeah, what else you got?

520. Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbins?

521. Because I feel like a banana split.

522. Whoo!

523. What else you got?

524. Oh! All right. Easy. Easy.

525. Easy, easy.

526. It's going to be fine, it's going to be fine. Pam's here.

527. Pam?

528. I was dancing and I did a split

529. and I landed on my car keys in my pocket.

530. What?

531. I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital.

532. Andy, I'm getting married in eight hours.

533. Everyone else is too drunk. Just don't let me die here.

534. Hey, hey, where are you? Can you take Andy to the hospital?

535. What?

536. He tore his scrotum dancing.

537. What?

538. He is in my room icing his balls.

539. What? Please stop saying "what."

540. Can you take him?

541. Look, I would so take him

542. in any other circumstance,

543. but I'm pretty certain I'm completely wasted.

544. Your brothers took you out drinking?

545. Uh... Is that Pam?

546. Hey, have her come out. Have her come out. It'll be like Coyote Ugly.

547. That's Michael. You're out with Michael?

548. And Dwight. Hey-oh!

549. Pam, it just happened.

550. Okay, fine. I'll take him.

551. I love you. Okay. I got to go.

552. (LAUGHlNG) I love you.

553. Are you pushing me off the phone?

554. No. Let's talk for a long time.

555. Goodbye.

556. Mmm.

557. It's after midnight.

558. You're married. He's married.

559. That's not how that works.

560. Oh, my God. Congratulations.

561. You're not going to be able to talk back.

562. You'll have Pam to answer to.

563. She'll be sitting at home saying,

564. "Jim, take the baby to the zoo,

565. "because I want to sit at home and eat bonbons

566. "and clip my toenails."

567. "Jim, hey, why don't you braid my hair? I want to watch TV."

568. Now you sound like Kermit.

569. Are you sure this is the right way?

570. Nope. L, like you, have never been here before.

571. Well, at least slow down a little bit

572. because every little bump in the road is major pain on my scrotum.

573. Look, I'm not the one who asked you to do a split

574. when you've never done one before.

575. Well, I was trying to liven things up a little bit, okay?

576. I was kind of doing your job, so . . .

577. My job?

578. My job is to get married in the morning. That's my job.

579. Well, it's also to make sure we have a great time

580. at your stupid wedding, so . . .

581. I spent the night with the bride,

582. the night before the wedding. Oh, yeah.

583. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom.

584. Andy, did I dream that you were crying through the night?

585. No. No, that was real.

586. Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.

587. God! Can I get a little privacy?

588. Good morning, how can I help you?

589. I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night

590. to be cleaned and polished, but they haven't been returned yet.

591. You must be Mr. Malone. One moment, please.

592. Thank you.

593. (WHlSPERlNG) Sir, this is the man with the shoes.

594. Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.

595. They were stolen?

596. No, destroyed.

597. What?

598. When the bag was opened by our shoe-shine, the smell overcame him.

599. l, too, smelled them and made the choice

600. that they must be thrown away.

601. lncinerated, actually.

602. But that was my only pair of shoes.

603. It became a safety issue, sir.

604. Well . . . Damn it!

605. I can offer you a complimentary breakfast.

606. Okay.

607. You have everything? Cell phone, charger?

608. Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

609. So, you sure you don't want breakfast?

610. It's the most important meal of the day.

611. It really is. I'm not hungry.

612. I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds after you went to sleep.

613. And besides, I wouldn't want to take you away from Pam

614. on the morning of her wedding.

615. She needs you, lsabel.

616. That's really sweet, Dwight.

617. So, I'll see you at the wedding?

618. You know it. Okay.

619. Okay, get out of here.

620. Bye. Okay?

621. Hey, good morning. Hi.

622. It's about damn time.

623. I haven't gone to the bathroom in a day and a half.

624. Oh, my God, Dwight! This room is a pit.

625. Really? Hadn't noticed. Too busy knocking boots.

626. How can you eat like that?

627. I'm ravenous after a night of lovemaking.

628. You?

629. Yeah, I'm hungry.

630. But I'm not going to make a pig out of myself.

631. Hey, what was she like?

632. She was cute. You know, she was hot. She was very hot.

633. She made love like a tiger.

634. Bride's side or groom's side or townie?

635. She was from Europe.

636. No kidding. Uh-huh.

637. I bet she had hairy armpits. No.

638. lsabel was nice, but I hope she doesn't think this is going anywhere.

639. Wait a second. You're not into her? Are you kidding me?

640. No. She's Pam's best friend.

641. You guys could double-date. Swap, maybe?

642. Oh, please. Put a gun in my mouth.

643. No, you're crazy.

644. Look, she's a dental hygienist from Carbondale,

645. and she makes love like one. She's a bumpkin. Pass.

646. She's . . . Okay, do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist?

647. You have to take X-rays,

648. you have to scrape the plaque off of people's teeth,

649. you have to tell kids when to spit

650. and make sure that they're not scared when the dentist comes in.

651. It, it . . .

652. You should ask her out.

653. I already have my European girlfriend.

654. if your hat hits me in the face one more time . . .

655. That's funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it.

656. Oh, my God.

657. Oh!

658. Oscar. Angela.

659. Are you in a lot of pain?

660. What, because of last night? No way.

661. Reports have been exaggerated.

662. Weddings make me very emotional.

663. I just have that side to me.

664. Yeah, people say you cry all the time.

665. Well, that's not . . .

666. Crotch injuries are the worst.

667. You don't need to tell me.

668. I wasn't telling you.

669. There's still something there?

670. Excuse me?

671. They didn't get torn off?

672. No, they didn't . . . Nothing got torn off. Who told you that?

673. I may have told some people that.

674. I'm nervous. I'm about to get married.

675. if you want to sit on this.

676. I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis.

677. Make it softer.

678. It's my scrotum, and it was.

679. Thank you. Sure.

680. Oh. Here we go.

681. They asked for cash. But you know, I give them cash every week.

682. So, how much cash does a person need?

683. I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special.

684. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory.

685. And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.

686. I got them a set of turtle boiling pots, shell hammer and bibs.

687. Is it zipping over your belly? Don't squish the baby.

688. Thank you, weirdo.

689. Everybody see Kristy's stupid blonde extensions?

690. It's like they were made from a plastic broom.

691. Okay, here I come.

692. Oh! Pam!

693. Darling, you look beautiful.

694. Thanks, Mom.

695. I hope he deserves you.

696. He does.

697. Are you sure? Remember, you don't have to do this. You don't.

698. Mom, you're totally projecting and being a drag.

699. Yes, thank you, Mom.

700. Hey, I'm going to go outside and talk to Dwight.

701. Okay, great. Yeah, I'll see you in a second.

702. Wait. What?

703. Oh, no.

704. Hey.

705. Can you come here, please?

706. Is this allowed?

707. (CRYlNG) No, no. But I'm allowing it. Just come here.

708. That was an intelligent comment.

709. Hello, stranger. How do I look?

710. Oh! Fine. Lsabel? Nice to see you.

711. What do you want?

712. Nothing. Anymore.

713. So, tell me again

714. the difference between Filene's and Filene's Basement.

715. Hey, hey. He's not sitting with me, either.

716. Where are you sitting? Do you need a seat buddy?

717. I'm standing. I'm a bridesmaid.

718. Oh. I wish I was a bridesmaid.

719. Where am I gonna go?

720. Hey.

721. Wow.

722. You look . . . Terrible.

723. . . .so beautiful.

724. Hey.

725. My veil tore.

726. I knew when we were getting married and I'm five months pregnant,

727. that I'm not going to be able to wear the dress that I always wanted,

728. or high heels.

729. Hey, you look just as I imagined you.

730. Pam, you're so pretty.

731. Thank you.

732. And who cares? It's a stupid veil, right?

733. No, this is the one thing I was supposed

734. to be able to control, was this veil.

735. There. Now we're even.

736. Everyone's driving me crazy.

737. I know way too much about Andy's scrotum.

738. And my mom won't stop freaking out

739. about my dad's new girlfriend.

740. This is supposed to be our wedding day.

741. Why did we invite all these people?

742. I think Pam ran away because she knew deep down

743. she wouldn't be a good wife.

744. Yes.

745. What are you doing?

746. I'm trying to decide if I have time to pee.

747. How long do you take to pee?

748. The peeing is fast, Oscar.

749. It's getting my tie back on.

750. Hey. Hi. Would you have a snack in your purse?

751. You're a mom, I just figured you might have one.

752. Yeah.

753. Oh! Ooh! Apricot.

754. Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash, or . . .

755. No.

756. Okay. Were you saving it?

757. No, no. That's okay. I've just . . .

758. I've had a very rough weekend.

759. Oh, I'm sorry.

760. Apricot. Made of real apes.

761. Do you think they canceled the wedding?

762. Relax, you'll get your shot at Jim.

763. Those two treat the whole office like a 1970s key party.

764. My weekend was bad so far.

765. Oh!

766. I came here hoping to meet somebody,

767. you know, as you do at weddings.

768. End up going to sleep by the vending machine.

769. It was loud, but it was warm.

770. That sounds awful.

771. And the love of my life is dating somebody else.

772. Just . . .

773. It is a terrible year for love.

774. Yeah, I guess it is.

775. Thinking about having my sperm frozen.

776. Excuse me, you Michael Scott?

777. Yeah.

778. Heard you might have a whoopee cushion on you.

779. Our sister's in the can and we totally want to get her

780. when she comes back.

781. Oh . . .

782. Wow. That sounds hilarious. I do, actually.

783. There you go, use it in good health.

784. Yes. (lMlTATES EXPLOSlON)

785. Wait a minute. What is the etiquette on taking the gifts?

786. Can you only take your own back?

787. Or is it a whatever-you-can-carry thing?

788. Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster?

789. Does it have slots for hot dogs?

790. No.

791. Who would want it?

792. Guys, maybe we should wait a little more time

793. before we start grabbing boxes.

794. Toby.

795. Dwight.

796. I'd like to lodge a formal complaint against Jim

797. for making us wait for over an hour.

798. God. Crap!

799. Come here, you. Get in there.

800. Well, I guess this wedding is not going to happen.

801. I wonder if this is it for them?

802. Hey, what happened? Where were you guys?

803. Do you know how long I've been waiting here?

804. Well, we are here now, so let's go.

805. Yes! Yes!

806. I have so much joy in my heart right now. How do I look?

807. You look great.

808. Wear a tie much?

809. Oh, boy.

810. (SlGHS) I begged them not to.

811. Mmm-hmm.

812. I know you specifically put this song on your do-not-play list.

813. Yes, I did.

814. I'm sorry.

815. Go ahead, I think it's your turn.

816. Wait, what happened? You're okay with this?

817. Yeah, I'm okay.

818. Okay, then.

819. Hey, Pam? Did you see this? It was on YouTube.

820. Saw it.

821. I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video.

822. I knew we'd need a backup plan.

823. The boat was actually plan C. The church was plan B.

824. And plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago.

825. Pretty much the day I met her.

826. What an awesome party! The best wedding I've ever been to.

827. I got six numbers.

828. One more would have been a complete telephone number.

829. This was epic.

830. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece.

831. But, man, my dogs are barking.

832. Ooh!

833. My feet were so sweaty, I can't even feel the cold.

834. What a lovely hotel.

835. Okay.