The Office 6x3

1. Could you please sign my expense report?

2. No way, no how. Expense reports are a day-to-day item.

3. That is Jim's now. I am exclusively big picture. Epic.

4. Sign this. Uh-uh-uh.

5. Where's the please? We're not animals.

6. (SlGHS) Sign it.

7. No. Not without a please.

8. Idiot.

9. I have a complaint about Jim.

10. That is not big picture.

11. I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint

12. about the tallest guy in our office.

13. Okay.

14. Jim won't sign my expense report.

15. That is not . . . Okay. Day-to-day.

16. That is day-to-day. No. That is huge.

17. You're trying to trick me. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

18. I'd like to lodge a complaint.

19. I'm sorry to hear about that. Who is this about?

20. You. Okay.

21. Just want to let you know I take complaints very seriously,

22. so, when did this happen?

23. One minute ago.

24. Okay. And how do you feel?

25. Angry.

26. All right. Did he hit you? No.

27. Did you cry? No.

28. Did you feel like crying? No.

29. I'm just going to write, "Held back tears."

30. Wait, stop writing that. That is not true.

31. if you stop crying, I'll stop writing it.

32. I'm not . . .

33. I deserved that promotion. Not Jim.

34. Oh, man, makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold

35. and force him down to the ground

36. and just keep pressing and pressing,

37. and then flip him over and then put him in a hammerlock and he's gasping.

38. He's panting for every last breath.

39. And the crowd is going crazy and boom, I emerge victorious!

40. Eighteen thousand dollars and a chance at the title!

41. Dwight, Jim wants you to keep it down.

42. Everyone, now would be a good time to freshen up

43. because I'd like everyone to meet

44. in the conference room in five minutes.

45. And I suggest that you bring a snack

46. because we may be in there for a while.

47. Michael. Yes.

48. Can I talk to you in my office for a second? Mmm . . .

49. Sure. But could I first talk to you in my office?

50. Can I also be a boss?

51. Look, it doesn't take a genius to know

52. that any organization thrives when it has two leaders.

53. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents.

54. A boat that set sail without two captains.

55. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?

56. I have noticed that we . . .

57. Welcome.

58. Thank you. I have noticed we've been having

59. a lot of conference room meetings. Mmm-hmm.

60. And I'm wondering if perhaps those are a bit . . .

61. Disruptive. Yes.

62. No. I don't think they are. I think the meetings are very important.

63. Okay. Maybe we should talk specifics.

64. Let's do. Okay.

65. Yesterday we had a meeting about planets.

66. Well, to be fair, Jim, James . . . Jimothy.

67. To be fair, Jimothy . . . That sounds weird.

68. Are you okay with being called Jim?

69. I am. All right.

70. Jim, to be fair,

71. the conversation wasn't about planets.

72. Right.

73. At first, we were talking about

74. introducing a line of toilet paper.

75. And what part of the human body

76. does one use toilet paper upon?

77. So you draw a line from there to the other planets,

78. and I think by the end, we all learned

79. a little bit about how small we are.

80. Yes, I agree. I just feel . . .

81. Because it's a big universe.

82. And we're all just little tiny specks of dust.

83. I just think that maybe they're eating large amounts of the day.

84. You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps.

85. You go to sleep, it's light out, you wake up, it's dark.

86. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.

87. You mean on a weekend?

88. Yes.

89. How about this? I think our goal should be

90. we don't have meetings unless they're absolutely essential.

91. All right. No more meetings this week.

92. Really? You just agree to that?

93. I can be very surprising.

94. What's going on?

95. I need to fit into my wedding dress.

96. However, I'm also pregnant.

97. You know, it's a myth that women have to gain

98. more than nine pounds in a pregnancy.

99. Look at these actresses. Some of them lose weight.

100. Hey, did you guys register for wedding gifts?

101. We did, but mostly because people expect us to.

102. We're also accepting other gifts not on the registry.

103. However much.

104. It's awkward asking people for money. But we could really use it.

105. Why doesn't Crate and Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?

106. Perfect. I hate registries.

107. Oh, good.

108. My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes.

109. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be surprised when you see it.

110. You're not registered for a birdhouse, are you?

111. No, we're not.

112. Good. Good.

113. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Mmm-hmm.

114. Okay. I thought I saw people missing.

115. Yeah. Just focus grouping a product expansion idea to these folks.

116. Got one of each. Really?

117. Hey, Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said

118. before I came through the door?

119. Stanley, you don't need to answer that.

120. Stanley?

121. "if you don't smell this, you're fired."

122. Okay, Michael, I thought we agreed

123. to not take up people's time with meetings like these.

124. What do you mean by "these" people?

125. Michael, this is a conference room meeting.

126. Oh, hey, everybody, I think that Jim has gone insane

127. because he thinks that my office is a conference room.

128. That's not what I meant.

129. Listen, Jim, no offense, but when push comes to shove,

130. what I want is more important than what you want.

131. I disagree.

132. What do you guys think?

133. (lNDlSTlNCT CHATTER) Can I go back to my desk now?

134. Great. Guys, can I just have a moment alone with Michael, please?

135. No, no, no, no. You don't need to go anywhere.

136. Anything that Jim has to say to me,

137. he can say in front of these types of people.

138. That is not what I said.

139. And also, I am co-manager,

140. meaning you are not the only manager anymore.

141. I am also a co-manager.

142. That is not what Wallace told us.

143. That's exactly what Wallace told us.

144. That is not the way I heard it.

145. I love rivalries. Michael or Jim,

146. Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C. , it's so much fun.

147. But I guess if I'm really thinking about it,

148. and answering your question honestly,

149. I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend and her skin is terrible.

150. It is one thing me giving you the co-manager title,

151. it is another thing you bossing me around.

152. I'm not bossing you around.

153. I'm trying to do my job, which is sharing your job.

154. So maybe we should just call David Wallace.

155. No, no, no. No! We will not call David Wallace.

156. I will call David Wallace.

157. David Wallace is on line two for you guys.

158. Or David Wallace will call us on line two. Why don't we just . . .

159. Hey, David. You got Jim here. Hey, David.

160. This is Michael, senior co-manager.

161. Hey, guys. I'm calling because unfortunately

162. we will not be able to give out

163. cost of living raises this year

164. and I know people expect it.

165. However, there just is only a small amount of money for each branch.

166. So, we're leaving it up to the managers

167. to decide how to distribute it.

168. Got it, Dave. Sounds like your classic big picture decision.

169. Which will clearly affect the day-to-day wellbeing of our employees.

170. It's probably a Iittle of both.

171. Which is it more of?

172. Excuse me? Hey, David,

173. I know that I am very new at this,

174. but I have a very good perspective on how things work . . .

175. Wait, I'm sorry. Michael, are you texting me?

176. I thought maybe we could talk after this is over.

177. Look, I need you both to take care of this.

178. This is not going to be a problem, is it?

179. Nope, not at all. Not at all. Nope.

180. No, it will not be.

181. I am on top of it. Very good.

182. All right. Thanks a lot, David. Talk to you later . . .

183. Okay, you didn't let me say goodbye.

184. All right, I am looking forward to this.

185. You don't have to lie.

186. I hate the fact that we have to do this together.

187. I think we work much better separately.

188. When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore.

189. Right. All I can see

190. is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.

191. All right. Let's get started.

192. Hey, why haven't we ever . . .

193. We have.

194. You know, there's no easy way to do this.

195. I say we add 1.5% to their paychecks

196. and don't say anything about it.

197. Do you mean, like, break in, in the middle of the night

198. and change the numbers on payroll?

199. No, we can do it during the day.

200. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.

201. Okay.

202. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options.

203. Jim, don't take this the wrong way.

204. Are you going to take this the wrong way?

205. It's hard to tell so far.

206. You use your brain too much.

207. I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?

208. Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all.

209. You just came up with that. As I was saying it.

210. Yeah.

211. Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro, everyone gets a little bit.

212. Con, you look like a nerd.

213. Con, no one gets as much as they did last year.

214. Pro, you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds.

215. Pro, no favoritism.

216. Con, you unzip your pants and you'll find

217. that there's a calculator down there.

218. I've been studying Michael for years

219. and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart.

220. How Michael spends his time.

221. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others.

222. And this tiny sliver here is critical thinking.

223. I made it bigger so that you could see it.

224. Hey, Pam. I heard that you were registered, but I didn't hear where.

225. I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash.

226. Like money? Like, you want my money?

227. Mmm-hmm.

228. Will you take a check?

229. Yeah.

230. Cool.

231. In the memo line, I'm going to write, "To love's eternal glory."

232. Okay.

233. Wait till Monday.

234. Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow?

235. I feel horrible. Oh, look! "Mrs. Pam Halpert!"

236. That's the first time I've seen it in writing.

237. You know what, the more I think about it,

238. the more I think we should give it to the salesmen.

239. That will not go over well.

240. Yeah, I know, I just think it seems smart

241. to keep the salesmen happier right now.

242. Of course, I know this might come off as biased,

243. so you know what? Let us . . .

244. Oh, my God, are you going to make

245. another pro and con list? I'm going to kill myself.

246. Well, I'm not going to let you stop me from thinking.

247. No, I could not do that, Jim.

248. I can see it in your crusty little eyes

249. that you are going to make everything perfect.

250. "if I could just think this through,

251. "if I could just think it exactly right,

252. "l can make this perfect.

253. "And then I can go down every avenue,

254. "and every avenue off of that avenue.

255. "And then another avenue . . ." Michael.

256. "And then another."

257. Look, you have a lot of strengths.

258. Oh, I do? Tell me what they are.

259. I think that you are able to take

260. constructive criticism very well.

261. Ha! That, I am not known for that.

262. But there is a reason why I'm here.

263. Yes, you went over my head to Wallace.

264. No, it's because you also have a lot of weaknesses, Michael.

265. Okay, well, why don't you tell me what those are, Jim?

266. Why don't you enliven me?

267. I don't think you're good at making tough decisions.

268. Ah!

269. At thinking out the options and then stating that decision very clearly,

270. especially when it's an unpopular decision.

271. Okay. Here's a tough decision for you, you suck. You suck.

272. Michael, wait. Is that clear enough for you?

273. Maybe I'm here for a reason, because I might have some good ideas, too.

274. I've been sitting out there and I've been learning a lot

275. and maybe I can just bring something different to the table.

276. Okay, Skippy, here we go.

277. Why don't you run yourself out there and tell them?

278. You call it.

279. This had better be terrible.

280. Could I have everyone's attention, please?

281. I have some tough news, so I'm just going to give it to you straight.

282. Truth is we only have so much money for raises this year.

283. So the simple fact is,

284. some people will get raises and some people won't.

285. Now what we've decided is

286. we are going to give those raises to the sales staff.

287. Wait, seriously?

288. Look, you guys are smart, so I'm just leveling with you,

289. just trying to treat you like adults.

290. Thank you, Jim, for thinking that we're smart people.

291. But I do not understand.

292. if we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises?

293. Excellent question, genius.

294. It's because Jim wants to give the raises

295. to his friends and the people he sleeps with.

296. Ooh! Easy, that's not it at all.

297. Well?

298. Really, what it is, is about the money

299. the sales staff brings in to the office . . .

300. What's going on?

301. Jim is only giving raises to the salesmen.

302. What the hell? Why are you being such a jerk?

303. Hold on, Kelly, would it help you to know that Jim thinks you're smart?

304. No. How is that going to repair Ryan's car?

305. This is ridiculous! How can he do this to us?

306. Okay, Dwight, you know what?

307. You'd be getting the raise, so . . .

308. What about all these people? How is it fair to them?

309. Exactly. Totally.

310. We work just as hard as the salespeople, we deserve raises.

311. Yes. Yes.

312. They don't get them if we don't get them.

313. My kid needs shoes. You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes?

314. Yeah.

315. Her kid needs shoes, Jim.

316. What the hell?

317. Wow. I'm just going to rewind and back off a bit, so . . .

318. That was good. That was good.

319. Okay, all right. Well, we all know

320. it's hard to be a boss, right?

321. You know what? Look around you, these are your best friends.

322. These are the people who will open their hearts to you.

323. They all have heart-ons for you.

324. And that is a gift.

325. So in terms of gifts, we should be giving each other gifts.

326. Angela, yes, lend Oscar a cup of sugar.

327. This is . . . What are you talking about? Michael!

328. We just need to hear your plan for our raise.

329. My plan, a man, Panama.

330. That's not how that goes.

331. You're not saying anything. At least Jim was being direct . . .

332. Thank you, Meredith.

333. . . . when he was telling us his dumb-ass plan.

334. We would just like to know what's happening.

335. Are we getting a raise, yes or no?

336. All right, let me get this cleared. Does everybody want a raise?

337. Yes!

338. All right, everyone wants a raise,

339. so what we're going to do is go into here

340. and we will not come out until we do.

341. Again, that gives us no information.

342. This isn't a game, you know, it's our livelihood.

343. What about a raise based on merit?

344. Rank each person individually.

345. Mmm-hmm. Piece of cake.

346. Ryan is obviously the best.

347. Obviously. Too bad he's a temp

348. and doesn't count, so let's get started.

349. Are you making a . . .

350. Nope, I'm numbering the paper.

351. Just . . . Yeah. I don't understand

352. how they can even consider giving money

353. to some people and not the rest of us.

354. It's not like we're not going to see the checks, we're in Accounting.

355. I am so pissed at this company.

356. And Jim.

357. Yeah. Who said that?

358. I think it was Creed.

359. Yep.

360. It's going really well, actually. Mmm-hmm.

361. Each Boston baked bean represents half-a-percent raise.

362. We each got 24 beans,

363. so the idea is, you place the bean

364. on the picture of who you think deserves . . .

365. Who's that? Toby.

366. Okay, he's not a part of this, you know that.

367. Just wanted to draw a picture of him.

368. Okay, your move.

369. All right. Who to pick?

370. Who to pick?

371. Here we go.

372. I will skip a turn.

373. Okay, you're going to still have to play that bean, you know that.

374. I need more time.

375. Wallace sent an email about a meeting next week,

376. he wants you both to respond.

377. People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is.

378. It's great. Eventually, they will rise up and revolt.

379. My only hope is that they do it sooner rather than later.

380. if the people here were our Founding Fathers,

381. the Revolutionary War would have been delayed 10 years

382. because Stanley Washington was napping.

383. And Phyllis Hancock was still signing the Declaration,

384. and Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.

385. Come on in. That's right. Come in, feast your eyes.

386. They determine our worth by putting beans on our faces.

387. What the hell?

388. Things were not this bad when just Michael was manager.

389. Hey, what are you guys doing in here?

390. What does a bean mean?

391. Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me?

392. Michael, what does a bean mean?

393. Jim?

394. I was just trying to be unbiased.

395. What does a bean mean?

396. Someone please explain it to Kevin.

397. Why can't you? My time is just as valuable as yours.

398. Not according to the beans.

399. This is how you make this important decision?

400. (CHUCKLES) There's no way that Stanley gets more beans than me, that is ridiculous.

401. This is how it works.

402. It's not so much that I might not get a raise, it's just demeaning.

403. Thank you. That is exactly . . . But, by the way, I would also like a raise.

404. Yeah, I would, too.

405. Are we idiots?

406. What right does Jim have to claim authority?

407. Is he as good a salesman as l?

408. Is he as matronly as Phyllis?

409. There are moments where we can affect change.

410. For a few seconds, every decade, we exist.

411. And these are those seconds. Let us storm his castle.

412. Come on, tick, let's get him, tock.

413. Let's get Jim. Tick, and drag Jim out of his office, tock,

414. take his keys away from him, tick, that's a clock.

415. The time is getting very close. It's now or never.

416. What say you?

417. I say no.

418. No, I mean, what do you say to my plan?

419. Michael Scott . . . Security guard.

420. Michael, will you help us?

421. What does a bean mean?

422. How you doing?

423. On a scale of one to 10, I'd say I'm about a four.

424. What are you usually?

425. Six. You?

426. Usually a 10, but I'm feeling like a zero.

427. I mean, a performance-based raise

428. sounded like a good idea, right?

429. I know, I know.

430. We tried to find the fairest way to do it.

431. Yes, we did.

432. I just . . .

433. What?

434. Um . . .

435. Nothing. I just . . .

436. I used to have to do this part alone. And it was the worst.

437. I have something I would like to give you.

438. Michael, come on! This isn't fair! Michael!

439. Michael's my only friend left in the office.

440. Except Pam. I think.

441. She still upset?

442. Michael, you cannot just keep avoiding us like this.

443. Thank you.

444. You're welcome.

445. What's in here?

446. Gin.

447. Ooh.

448. (WHlSPERlNG) Just pretend we're not here.

449. Heard you guys are looking for cash for the wedding?

450. Yeah, I mean, if it's all the same for you.

451. Question for you,

452. would you guys rather have $100 now or $5,000 a year from now?

453. $100 now, for sure.

454. Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee,

455. I put in $100 of my own money, as the gift.

456. Yeah. No, no. The $100. I'll just take the $100.

457. (SOFTLY) lnstead of $5,000 a year from now?

458. How sure is this?

459. The guy has an algorithm

460. to determine the winner of any given college basketball game.

461. Don't tell Jim.