The Office 6x24

1. There is nothing wrong, nor will there ever be wrong,

2. with any Sabre printers.

3. Case closed.

4. Michael Scott, as seen on TV.

5. I saw you on the news and I want to pinch your tiny wiener.

6. (MOUTHS) Oh, my God.

7. It's Packer.

8. Oh! Pac-Man, I thought you were a girl.

9. Apparently, there are allegations

10. that Sabre printers can cause a fire.

11. So, they asked me to give a statement to the press.

12. I'm like, "What? All right."

13. So, I do it.

14. It's on TV last night, and it's in the paper today,

15. and it's online.

16. And then I call Froggy 98.7, their request line.

17. I talked to the host about it on the air.

18. It's like, "Come on, people, enough."

19. Everybody, we are at DEFCON 5.

20. I am officially the second most watched clip of the day

21. on the WBRE news site.

22. What's number one?

23. Oh? That teacher who was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile.

24. Now, we cannot let the pedophile win again.

25. I would like you all to go to the Web site and watch my clip 11 times.

26. So, instead of working, you want . . . Yes.

27. Okay. Yes.

28. Come on.

29. Get it up. That's what . . . Let's do it.

30. Oh! Did you see this report

31. that the zoo got a baby otter?

32. It's on the same site.

33. (CHUCKLES) Aw! It's kissing its mommy.

34. Please. Michael, you have to see this.

35. This is, like, the cutest thing ever.

36. Really? A baby otter? Okay, count me in as "Who cares?"

37. It's not even that interesting, the baby otter.

38. It can't even stand up.

39. It's trying to stand up.

40. There he goes.

41. (DOG BARKlNG) Howdy.

42. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

43. Jo, we were not expecting you.

44. But you all no doubt know why I'm here.

45. No. Turns out our printers are famous.

46. They're all over the news.

47. It's an interesting story.

48. Cheap, foreign printers

49. attacking innocent Americans.

50. Well, actually the real story isn't quite as racy.

51. But

52. let's give it a go.

53. Jo, I think that I know what happened.

54. I'm not sure you do, teddy bear.

55. Well, now I think I might not.

56. Not long ago, we discovered a defect in one of our printers.

57. So, we got a software patch, fixed it right up.

58. Just like that.

59. I don't know how it works.

60. Just as we were about to

61. send out a letter to our affected customers,

62. giving them free toner, and we keep them happy.

63. But somebody here, they liked that first story better.

64. The one where we lose half our clients

65. (SHOUTlNG) for no damn good reason!

66. Whoever it was who talked to the press, just come forward, please.

67. Jo,

68. I can assure you it was no one in this office.

69. Can you, now? Absolutely.

70. Anyone who talked to the press, please raise your hand.

71. Put your hand up, Norma Rae.

72. if you say anything, so help me God,

73. I'll break off the temples of your glasses

74. and stick them in your eye sockets.

75. So unfair.

76. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals,

77. I would not be a whistleblower.

78. The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers.

79. It's how we made all our money.

80. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us.

81. Old Mister Bernard

82. Who have you silenced today?

83. It's a little form. Says, "l did not do it."

84. There is no reason for anyone here to sign this

85. because I know everything there is to know about these people.

86. I know when their birthdays are,

87. I know what their favorite kind of cake is,

88. I know what color streamers they like.

89. All that's just birthday information, Michael.

90. Yes, yes, but it shows a bigger picture.

91. Why don't you come with me?

92. We'll start out with the honcho, what d'you say?

93. Okay.

94. When Mama was working as a prison guard,

95. and something went missing, she'd ask one question,

96. "What do we do when we find the guilty party?"

97. And if they said, "Come down on them

98. "with that swift hammer of justice," innocent.

99. A clear conscience don't need no mercy.

100. But if they said, "Officer Bessie, well, they may have had a reason."

101. Blah, blah, blah, blah . . .

102. Well, nine times out of 10, that's the anus they checked.

103. So, say we catch this whistleblower.

104. What do you think I should do with them?

105. We should give them a one-way ticket to Montego Bay.

106. Where they keep all the al-Qaeda.

107. Uh, that's Guantanamo Bay. Yes.

108. You put them in jail for a long time,

109. you put them in jail for as long as you can.

110. Well, I guess we're all right, Michael.

111. I want these people to really pay. I want them to suffer.

112. I'd prefer it if they died.

113. Because it's not right.

114. Yeah. Okay.

115. Hey, Dwight. Hey, lT guy.

116. You mind if I get in there for a second?

117. Oh, sure thing, go ahead.

118. Just . . . (GROANlNG)

119. Dwight, what the hell?

120. Apache persuasion hold, that's the hell.

121. What are you doing to my computer?

122. The lawyers are searching our hard drives for information on the leak.

123. Thanks a lot, Big Brother.

124. You're with Big Brother?

125. Okay, go ahead. I got nothing to hide.

126. Wait, are they searching all our computers?

127. Yeah.

128. I already got to yours, Kev.

129. No, that's cool. Sometimes I run.

130. I'm a runner.

131. Everybody knows it was Andy,

132. and it is not fair for us all to take the fall for his big, stupid mouth.

133. Ridiculous, Angela.

134. And like I'm going to believe one of his spurned lovers.

135. Look, he's been complaining about this for a while. It's not crazy.

136. Okay, Dwight. Hold that thought.

137. I don't want to waste your time

138. and I wouldn't dare waste mine.

139. I didn't do it.

140. Now, I don't know exactly who did it,

141. but I have a list right here.

142. You should fire the following people.

143. Well, I'm inclined to believe you.

144. Why would I disparage a company that has

145. made me rich beyond my wildest dreams?

146. Yeah, I noticed you've had a great year.

147. Good boy. (LAUGHlNG)

148. You turning that money into more money?

149. Are you referring to alchemy?

150. I don't like to tell a man what to do with his money,

151. but if you ain't investing in property,

152. then you're dumber than a dummy.

153. I'm not dumb, I'm smart.

154. Well, buy property. That's my advice.

155. ls there something that you would like to say to me?

156. About talking to the press? Uh, I do . . . No . . .

157. I didn't do that. Okay?

158. Didn't do it. I don't believe you.

159. I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet.

160. That's a little much. All right, all right.

161. I don't care. That's how much, I swear.

162. Okay, I believe you. I believe you.

163. How come no one's giving Darryl any crap?

164. He was more bothered about it than me.

165. Did you tell anyone outside of this office

166. that the printers were catching on fire?

167. Yeah, I did.

168. I was talking to this girl at a bar.

169. Oh, no, no, no.

170. I think she could sense my sadness.

171. And I found out too late that she was a copyeditor at the Trib.

172. Oh, my God.

173. Was she cute?

174. No. Oh, God, Darryl.

175. I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it.

176. And then I find out that one of my best ones did.

177. And now he's probably going to get fired for it.

178. And if that is not poetic justice, I don't know what is.

179. Sounds like you were as blind-sided by this as I was.

180. Yes.

181. And we didn't find anything on your computer.

182. Good.

183. Except this.

184. Wow. This is just a mystery novel that I've been working on.

185. I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter.

186. I'm just curious,

187. why would a man who hates people

188. want to have a relationship with a maid?

189. I don't know . . . The way I look at it,

190. there's only one of two reasons.

191. He knows a secret about her that she doesn't know herself.

192. Or he wants to use her services to mop up after a murder.

193. Yes.

194. Write your own damn novel.

195. It was me.

196. What was you?

197. You were the leak? Okay,

198. I'm talking to this woman at day care,

199. she's telling me all about her amazing trip to Vietnam. I have nothing.

200. I tell her our printers catch on fire spontaneously.

201. Why'd you do that? Her husband's a reporter.

202. Yeah.

203. So, now everyone hates Andy, and it's this whole mess,

204. and I don't know what to do. Okay, just relax.

205. Just need to relax.

206. I could tell Jo, or I could tell Michael.

207. This is a very good idea. This is good.

208. Let's get all the bad ideas out now. Flush them out.

209. (WHlSPERS) You leaked it?

210. I don't know what to do. Do I go tell Jo or . . .

211. I don't want everyone to keep blaming the wrong person.

212. I don't know what the best plan is, Pam.

213. Oh, God.

214. My mind is going a mile an hour.

215. That fast?

216. Two whistleblowers. Two.

217. I always thought Darryl and Pam

218. might get me fired for something I said.

219. Yeah?

220. I weirdly know exactly what you're saying to me.

221. So, I'll see you in Meredith's van in five minutes.

222. Okay, you didn't need to actually say that.

223. I have never seen so many parking tickets.

224. All right, this is just messed up.

225. No, you know what's messed up?

226. This situation all up in here is what's messed up.

227. We need to brainstorm, we need to get out of this.

228. Brain-hurricane, come on. Think. What have we got?

229. Um . . .

230. Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

231. We're not going for yogurt.

232. It's okay, she's cool. She also whistle-blew.

233. Guys, I couldn't help it. It is so boring where we work.

234. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue.

235. It might be less interesting than a morgue.

236. Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue.

237. Of course I'm the leak. I think I tweeted it.

238. I can't control what I say to people.

239. I spend the whole day talking.

240. I mean, I video chat, I skype, I text, I tweet, I phone, I woof.

241. Woof is a site that I'm launching to be

242. the last word in social networking.

243. For just $12.99 a month, Woof links up

244. all your communication portals,

245. so you are always within reach.

246. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it.

247. But look, why tell you,

248. when I can show you?

249. I just sent myself a woof.

250. ERlN ON lNTERCOM: Ryan, you have a woof on line one.

251. Thank you, Erin.

252. Woof!

253. Okay, here's what we do. I say we just smash all the computers.

254. We destroy the evidence. No evidence, no case.

255. Wouldn't we get fired for smashing all the computers?

256. No, okay, not all the computers. Just our computers.

257. That idea sucks. I don't think that's a good idea.

258. Just don't say no.

259. Mike, you know you don't have to turn us all in.

260. All you need is one scapegoat.

261. Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl.

262. That's just what we need, another black man in prison, you know?

263. Nobody's going to prison. Okay?

264. All right, Michael, you need to convince Jo to go easy on us.

265. And then we'll all confess once we know our jobs are safe.

266. Okay, you can count on me.

267. Let me give you a hand.

268. Ready? On three.

269. (CELL PHONE RlNGlNG) Oh, shoot. Got it?

270. Got it.

271. Dwight Schrute.

272. The property you're looking at is in great shape.

273. By the way, it has a very spacious basement office.

274. Basement office? You mean like a lair?

275. Hey, Jo. Michael.

276. I was thinking about our little leak problem.

277. I was up all lunch thinking about

278. what we should do to this individual.

279. You know what l think we should do?

280. We make them come to work. And we work them,

281. and we make them sit next to all the people they screwed over.

282. And we pay them,

283. but we make them feel like they did something really wrong.

284. The one question I have is, "Do we give them a Christmas bonus?"

285. I say yes, it's Christmas,

286. but right after, they're back into the thick of it.

287. Michael Scott.

288. What do you know?

289. What?

290. It doesn't matter what I know.

291. if it doesn't matter, then tell me. Why?

292. Because I wanna deal with it the way I deal with it.

293. Well, deal with this.

294. Empathize with me for a moment.

295. I came up here with a big problem,

296. and now, I've got a branch manager

297. who's giving me the silent treatment.

298. Speak to me.

299. Speak.

300. Come with me.

301. What?

302. Are you leaving? Oh, my. Should I continue with the investigation?

303. Are you gonna kill me?

304. I just need you to come by later and sign a few forms.

305. Okay. What time works for you?

306. Mr. Schrute? What time works?

307. Cancel it. I want you to make an offer at 1725 Slough Avenue.

308. Make them an offer they can't refuse.

309. No, on second thought, lowball them.

310. Don't call me till you have it.

311. But...

312. Are we going someplace far away?

313. I know you said no questions,

314. but I have an early dinner that I need to get to.

315. With the chief of police.

316. I'm very relieved to learn it wasn't you.

317. All right. Stan, you're up.

318. It wasn't me.

319. What a rich timbre your voice has.

320. Okay, I am prepared to conclude the investigation.

321. And? You did it.

322. What? Based on what?

323. Just all the evidence. And it really seems like it was you.

324. Can we all agree to say that it was Andy for now

325. and sit with it, see how it feels?

326. All right, sounds good. Okay.

327. Guys, I think that seems a little unfair.

328. I mean, I feel like we don't definitely know it was Andy.

329. Yeah, you know? I mean, for all we know, it could have been Jim.

330. Really?

331. Michael. I have rights.

332. Let's just talk.

333. I am not going to tell you anything.

334. Honey, you don't seem like your normal self.

335. Well, I'm going through a little bit of a rough patch.

336. Mama Jo knew there was something up.

337. The whole year, actually.

338. My favorite restaurant closed down. Oh.

339. I hate that.

340. And my new favorite restaurant sucks.

341. I bought a video camera last year

342. and I was looking at the tapes,

343. and there were only, like, 12 minutes that I felt was worth taping.

344. The whole year.

345. And most of that was just birds in my condo complex.

346. What is that?

347. And I miss Holly.

348. Who's Holly?

349. Holly Flax. From the Nashua branch.

350. Best HR rep that Dunder Mifflin has ever seen.

351. It has not been a blockbuster year for me financially.

352. My Blockbuster stock is down.

353. I think that the real question is,

354. "Who is the whistleblower?"

355. Just . . .

356. I may have heard from an old client and I may have immediately

357. started spreading the news to other clients and potential clients, yeah.

358. But I'm not here to talk about that.

359. I'm here to talk about Suck It. Suck It . . .

360. Gabe, I told you all about the printers.

361. I mean, it could be you, Gabe.

362. Yes, it's totally obvious. I mean, that's the point.

363. I think we all can agree it's either Gabe or Angela.

364. It's Angela. Get her, boys.

365. Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

366. I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone.

367. Through Teach For America,

368. I'm going to go down to Detroit

369. and teach inner-city kids about computers.

370. Not now. Yeah, it's just that my friends

371. are in the car waiting, so I thought I'd . . .

372. (WHlSPERlNG) Phyllis, what's this guy's name again?

373. I don't know. Is it Shadow or Garth? It's something weird, l . . .

374. My name is Nick.

375. Okay, well, "Nick," we're in a meeting.

376. Okay, look, I get it, people. I'm the lame lT guy and everybody hates me.

377. Hey, listen, man, you can't take it personally.

378. You call me "man"? I just said my name,

379. just now. Did you forget it already?

380. No,

381. sport.

382. You guys have 15 parties a week. You can't learn my name?

383. Hey, hey, hey, lT guy.

384. Here's the story, champ.

385. None of us have spent a lot of time getting to know you, okay?

386. We liked the last guy, Sadiq, because he kept to himself.

387. And we also thought he might have been a terrorist.

388. You know what? I'm going to leave you with one other thought.

389. lnner-city kids use computers for two things, games and porn.

390. So, good luck wasting your life, Lurch.

391. Thank you so much for that.

392. I saw all of your hard drives. And guess what?

393. You're not a photographer. And you definitely can't fit into a size two.

394. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook.

395. Why have you been telling people you're not on Facebook?

396. People want to be your friend, man. Hey.

397. All right? And you . . . This guy.

398. You're the one who told the press.

399. You wrote an e-mail to the editor.

400. I saw it and I also saw a Quicktime movie

401. of your little printer fire test on your hard drive.

402. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So, that's it. Check it out.

403. We're going to believe that guy?

404. When I was growing up,

405. there was nothing better than being a big old business tycoon.

406. And I thought I'd break that glass ceiling

407. and be a hero to all those little girls out there.

408. And they'd make a Barbie out of me.

409. I hate that I sell cheap printers.

410. I do.

411. But if I have to go out there in front of the press

412. and make one of them public apology recalls,

413. I mean, that's all I'll ever be remembered for.

414. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie.

415. Well, you know, I would be willing,

416. under the right circumstances,

417. to do that for you.

418. Oh, honey, surely you don't want that.

419. I surely do, and don't call me honey.

420. Airplane II.

421. I'm about to buy this building, you know?

422. You don't say.

423. I own a one-eighth share in a rental property down in Pittston.

424. Well, I'm one-eighths proud of you.

425. Enjoy that chair for now.

426. 'Cause pretty soon you will be on your feet.

427. Like Buckingham Palace.

428. Hey, Phyllis, have you seen my bag?

429. You deserve it.

430. Look, I didn't want houses and schools

431. to burn down and children to die.

432. Does that make me a hero?

433. No, it does not.

434. Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either.

435. It does!

436. Andy? Hey.

437. I wanted to say that I think it was very brave of you to go to the press.

438. Thanks.

439. Yeah, you know.

440. Just seemed like the right thing to do.

441. Yeah.

442. "We at Sabre have betrayed the trust

443. "that we have built with our customers.

444. "We regret our slow response and our lapse in candor and judgment.

445. "At this time, we are issuing a full recall of all Sabre GH400 printers.

446. "We will not rest until this problem is solved.

447. "There will be no questions." Are there any questions?

448. Hey, I appreciate you reading that statement. You looked pretty up there.

449. That was fun.

450. I hope your rough patch ends soon.

451. Thanks. Today helped.

452. Well, give a shout if I can brighten your life.

453. Okay. Hey, you could transfer Holly back from Nashua.

454. Let me see what I can do.