The Office 6x2

1. Yeah? You wanted to see me?

2. Yes, Oscar, come on in. Close the door if you would.

3. Thank you. Thanks so much for talking to me.

4. Yeah, sure.

5. (SlGHS) I'm going in for a procedure today.

6. ls everything okay? Yeah.

7. It's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.

8. I'm sure everything will be fine.

9. What's the procedure, if you don't mind my asking?

10. It is a colonoscopy.

11. Okay.

12. In your experience, what should I be expecting

13. in terms of sensation or emotions?

14. ls there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me,

15. or for Dr. Chaudry?

16. (SlGHS) Oh, my God!

17. My main concern, should I have a safe word?

18. Yeah.

19. So, Michael, you think you can give me a rundown

20. on the Buffalo clients by Monday?

21. Absolutely. You know what? I'll do you one better.

22. Sunday. Sunday night.

23. Okay. I will get it Monday.

24. (CHUCKLES) Hold on, big guy.

25. I'm going to put it in the mail Sunday night, you'll get it Wednesday.

26. Okay. Jim, you want to hit the conference room?

27. Sure.

28. Hey, good luck.

29. Oh, right, this thing. I remember now.

30. (WHlSPERlNG) What's this about?

31. This is just me and David, if that's okay.

32. It's okay with me. He's going to want me in there.

33. No. It's okay, Michael. We got it.

34. Really? Yeah.

35. All right. Do you mind if I sit this out?

36. I have so much work to do, I feel like I'm going to blow my brains out.

37. Okay. You got it.

38. Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me?

39. No. Because we are the three amigos.

40. And once in a while,

41. one of the amigos will go off to the bathroom,

42. while the other two have a secret meeting.

43. Hey, let me escort you to your desk.

44. Okay. It's just three or four steps, but thank you.

45. Thank you. You and Jim are close, huh?

46. Yeah. I think the pregnancy really brought us together.

47. Hey, what do you think he and David are talking about?

48. What do you . . .

49. Um, I don't know.

50. Well, you said good luck to Jim as he walked in.

51. Did l? Doesn't sound like me. Not very superstitious.

52. if you're lying to me right now, Pam,

53. your baby is gonna come out a liar.

54. That's how it works. They inherit things through the breast milk.

55. Please don't talk about my breast milk.

56. I just don't want you to lie to me.

57. I don't want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you?

58. Yeah.

59. I just don't want you to.

60. I was rushing to fill an order.

61. I put the ladder up to grab a box of three hole from the top shelf,

62. next thing I know, I'm on the ground, ladder's on top of me.

63. And that's how you broke your ankle?

64. Yes.

65. Hmm. Interesting.

66. How did the ladder end up on top of you if you fell off of it?

67. This doesn't concern you, man. You need to walk away.

68. Oh, really? I'm sorry. I thought this was a free country.

69. I didn't know we were in Communist Sweden.

70. if we were living in Sweden,

71. I wouldn't have to worry about this

72. because we'd have universal healthcare.

73. That's not . . . Okay.

74. Be quiet. I'm talking about . . .

75. (SlGHS) Hmm . . .

76. I will send this off to corporate.

77. Make sure you hold on to your medical bills.

78. Feel better.

79. Thanks, T-man. Later.

80. So long, Darryl. Feel better.

81. He's lying.

82. He has a doctor's note.

83. From who? Dr. J? You really need to investigate this.

84. People don't just fall off of ladders.

85. Guy on my street fell off a ladder

86. painting his house. It was on the news.

87. Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything

88. other than to come up here for birthday cake?

89. "Y'all having birthday cake?" (SCOFFS)

90. That's not a very good Darryl. Please!

91. And how many foremen do you know that pull boxes?

92. It just doesn't add up.

93. Well, we did a little investigation, and Dwight had a good point.

94. The Iadder didn't reach the top shelf. I don't know if I believe it,

95. but I am a fan of the hardboiled detective novel.

96. "I'll punch you into mush, see?"

97. Uh-huh. Well, if he doesn't like it, you can tell that s.o.b that he is fired.

98. Sorry, I'm going into a meeting right now. I will. I love you, too. Bye.

99. Who was that?

100. Sorry about that. What'd I miss?

101. Michael, we would like to continue the rest of this meeting in private,

102. please, if you don't mind.

103. I do not mind.

104. Yes, I do. No, I don't. Yes, I do. No, I don't mind.

105. Catch you guys on the flippity-flop. Oh, this . . .

106. Call waiting. Yeah?

107. Uh-huh. Well, you tell the mayor he just lost six votes.

108. They've been in there a while.

109. Yeah. Can't be good.

110. No.

111. Think they're talking about me?

112. No, I think they're talking about me.

113. Yeah. That makes way more sense. Okay. Thanks, boss.

114. What is Jim telling him? That I can't handle this job?

115. That's bull crap. That is bull crap.

116. Although it has been chaotic lately.

117. Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch,

118. which left us to absorb all of their clients.

119. I will tell you, there has been work every day.

120. Had to come in on a Saturday

121. to retrieve . . . I left my cell phone here.

122. Hey, Kelly.

123. (SlGHS) So jealous of your boobs.

124. Thank you.

125. Um, listen, I just wanted to confirm

126. that you're not coming to the wedding,

127. which is totally understandable, and more than fine.

128. ls Ryan going?

129. I don't know, he hasn't RSVPed yet.

130. We invited everyone in the office to our wedding,

131. even though we realized most people

132. wouldn't be able to make the drive to Niagara Falls.

133. (WHlSPERlNG) Which is why we're having it in Niagara Falls.

134. Then Michael told everyone

135. they could have Friday and Monday off if they came.

136. So now, people have to decide if they want to come to our wedding

137. or have to work.

138. Here's the deal. I really want to go.

139. But I'm not gonna go if Ryan doesn't go,

140. because it's kind of a waste of time.

141. That came out wrong.

142. It would be awesome if you could try to get him to go

143. because I'd really like to be there to support Jim.

144. What can I do for you, hoss?

145. How are your sales doing?

146. How are my sales doing?

147. Busted.

148. You know, my numbers are down a little bit.

149. And it's 'cause of the economy.

150. You're not buying it. You're good.

151. Okay, the truth is

152. I have been having trouble focusing lately. I'm in this weird,

153. flirty, nebulous thing with this cousin of mine.

154. And it's a total mind f'er.

155. Again with the cousin.

156. Oh, I'm sorry, Phyllis.

157. You explain this email. Okay?

158. "Hey, Andy, let's go visit Grandma and then get drunk together. Ha, ha."

159. Shh. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in that room, okay?

160. Wallace had to show up

161. on the one four-month period that I'm completely overwhelmed.

162. You know when they say, "It's so crazy it just might work?"

163. Well, I don't believe that. I say go for the airtight plan.

164. And that is why I am having Andy

165. wheel me into the conference room

166. inside a makeshift cheese cart.

167. It is just elegant.

168. Be my eyes. You got it.

169. What have we here? Oh!

170. Hello.

171. Just backing up and turning around.

172. Hey, we're gonna do this . . .

173. (EXCLAlMlNG) It's not for you.

174. I took the liberty of preparing for you a cheese platter,

175. which I will place here on the eastern wall of the conference room.

176. Cheese platter?

177. From the Wisconsin region, a nice, firm cheddar.

178. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged Parmesan.

179. Here you will find a cheddar-style spread,

180. which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind,

181. which I think you'll find both challenging and delicious.

182. At that point, I would recommend you take

183. a quick trip south of the border to the great state of lllinois,

184. where you will find this fine blue cheese dressing.

185. if I may be so bold,

186. it's a lot of fun to let the goldfish

187. take a little swim in the blue cheese.

188. All right, well, I should go. Thanks for this.

189. You've given me a lot to think about.

190. Please promise me you won't do anything until we speak.

191. No, I won't.

192. (SlGHlNG) All right. Hey, thanks for taking the time.

193. Yeah. Appreciate it. Thank you, Jim.

194. Erin, is Michael around?

195. I think he's around here.

196. Is that . . .

197. Hey, hey, hey.

198. You must have walked right past me. How you doing?

199. Yeah. Could we talk in your office for a sec?

200. Yes, definitely.

201. Okay.

202. It sounds like a EMD P40.

203. Nah. That's a GE.

204. The P40 is much higher-pitched.

205. You're into trains?

206. Have been my whole life. Wow!

207. I'm rebuilding a turn-of-the-century steam engine

208. in my slaughterhouse.

209. That's so cool. Yeah.

210. Wow! I'd love to take a look at that.

211. Yeah. It's just a run-of-the-mill slaughterhouse,

212. but sure, anytime.

213. Well, you know, because of the trains.

214. Wait, someone's coming. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

215. It's Darryl! Get down! He's not using crutches!

216. Get the camera. Start taping.

217. Drive!

218. Worker's comp, my ass!

219. I can't believe this.

220. Hey, you ass (BLEEP) !

221. Toby!

222. You gonna eat all that dog food yourself?

223. No, no!

224. Oh, man! You okay?

225. Just drive.

226. Hey, Ryan. Hey.

227. So, I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to my wedding.

228. Yeah, I might stop by.

229. It costs about $75 per person.

230. Okay. I once had a glass of Cognac that cost $77, so . . .

231. Can you just tell me now if you're coming or not?

232. Yes. I'm coming to your wedding.

233. Okay. Ryan Howard, yes.

234. Probably yes.

235. Kelly Kapoor, yes.

236. Are you sure you're okay with these new responsibilities?

237. Look who you're talking to.

238. Just trying to figure out the best way to utilize everyone's talents.

239. Well, I would say that my greatest talent

240. is being the best man, woman or child

241. to have ever run this branch. Ever.

242. And what about Jim?

243. You think Jim is someone who is ready

244. to move into a management position?

245. Permission to speak on the record.

246. Please do.

247. Jim is like Big Bird.

248. He is tall and yellow and very nice.

249. But would I put him in charge? No.

250. I don't think so. He . . . Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions.

251. if I was going to put someone in charge, I would put Bert in charge.

252. Or I would put one of the real grownups in charge,

253. like Maria.

254. Or Gordon, maybe.

255. I thought you liked Jim.

256. Very much. Jim is my best friend.

257. But here's his performance report.

258. Right here.

259. Now, this was written by Toby,

260. who we all know is extremely reliable.

261. "Constant office distraction. Spends way too much time at reception.

262. "Antagonizes other salesmen. Not at all what he thinks he is."

263. It's not very well written. But you get the gist.

264. ls there anybody else you think could run the day-to-day of the branch?

265. I could just continue to run it myself, that's . . .

266. Jim had an interesting idea to help you with this extra workload.

267. And it involved you being promoted

268. to oversee all northeast sales.

269. And then Jim would be promoted to your position.

270. This was Jim's idea?

271. Mmm-hmm.

272. Wow!

273. Well, I'd have to talk to my mother and my guy at H&R Block.

274. Okay. But, well, see, here's the thing, though.

275. The plan doesn't work

276. unless we have someone to replace you. I was hoping . . .

277. Plus, we have to worry about Jim. He has another job offer.

278. We may have to replace him.

279. I didn't tell Michael because I thought he'd try to help.

280. Example, he handed out Jell-O shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown Marathon.

281. Jim, can you walk me down to my car for a second?

282. Sure.

283. I can't help but feel partially responsible.

284. Little pick-me-up. Those are the best. Sugar rush.

285. When you were in the office earlier talking to Wallace,

286. did I come up at all?

287. Well, we did talk about how handsome you are.

288. Why don't we head into your office and talk?

289. Okay. What did we . . . God! We said . . .

290. I know there were certain things we said.

291. Michael, look. I'll just be honest with you.

292. Earlier today, I spoke with Wallace about a promotion.

293. And I actually think that talk went really well.

294. Mmm-hmm.

295. And then, after he spoke with you,

296. for some reason, it felt like things had changed.

297. Hmm. That's weird. That's weird.

298. Kind of weirding me out.

299. Did you know that Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy?

300. Michael, did you say anything?

301. (SlGHS) Tell you what, when you leave this office,

302. I'm going to call Wallace and I'm going to tell him

303. that you should get that promotion.

304. Really? Yes.

305. You will? Yes.

306. Wanna do it right now?

307. Yes.

308. I tried to keep Michael in the dark.

309. I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark.

310. I need to see your pupils.

311. I have to see if they're dilating . . .

312. Toby! Dwight!

313. Is that them?

314. Definitely.

315. You come to my house, bust up my trash cans,

316. call my baby sister an ass (BLEEP) and told her to eat dog food?

317. We thought that she was you.

318. Why would you think a lady is me?

319. Are you serious? Because you look exactly alike.

320. Am I the only one? That's too far . . .

321. Are you getting this? I mean . . .

322. I don't see it.

323. Here's what I'm gonna do.

324. I'm calling corporate and I'm filing a complaint against both of you.

325. Oh, Darryl.

326. Come on, Gwyneth.

327. Sad.

328. This is David.

329. Hey, David, this is Michael . . .

330. Michael Scott here. Yeah.

331. Just wanted to talk to you about Jim Halpert.

332. I understand that he did not receive that promotion,

333. and I wanted to see what I could do

334. to nudge you in the right direction.

335. So, what, you're changing your mind about Jim?

336. Absolutely not! Like I said before,

337. Jim is fantastic and he deserves this job.

338. Michael, it seems like you're cutting in and out.

339. This is not what you said earlier.

340. What . . . Here's the thing.

341. Jim is the best man for this job.

342. I think you should give it to him.

343. Well, it doesn't change what you showed me in Jim's file.

344. What? Well . . .

345. That was an anomaly.

346. That file had been falsified. Toby Flenderson is doing drugs.

347. Michael, I really don't know what's going on down there, but...

348. Oh, damn it!

349. I am getting pulled over for talking on my cell. Damn it!

350. Hey, Darryl, look, we're here to apologize.

351. We're cool. Wait.

352. They're using the lift as their own personal elevator.

353. What? He broke his ankle

354. climbing over the railing, then he lied about it

355. because it was a misuse of company equipment.

356. Case closed.

357. Stupidest thing I ever heard.

358. Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing?

359. Let's just check the security tapes, Toby.

360. Well, you know, I don't think there's any reason to check them,

361. but I suppose if we wanted to be really certain.

362. All right. Yeah. Fine, so whatever.

363. Yes!

364. You really did it.

365. Now, I would like to file an official complaint to corporate

366. because Darryl lied on an official form.

367. And I'm telling them you guys sexually harassed my sister.

368. (SCOFFS) No judge is gonna believe that.

369. Okay.

370. Look, we could all file complaints against each other

371. and just drown in a sea of paperwork, but,

372. you know, we'll just move on with our lives.

373. So, Dwight and Darryl came to an agreement that they would both file

374. complaints with corporate,

375. and now I get to do all this paperwork.

376. We worked it out.

377. Hey, hey, Jim. It would make me feel really good right now

378. if you would just punch me in the face, all right? Just do it.

379. How many times have I asked you

380. to put me up for a branch manager job?

381. I never recommended you because I didn't want to lose you.

382. And I didn't want to lose Pam.

383. Now I don't want to lose the baby.

384. So, instead, you screwed me?

385. That's what she said. No.

386. David Wallace is calling.

387. We're kind of in the middle of something here.

388. Should I tell him you'll call back?

389. Yeah. No. I'll tell him myself.

390. Let's both.

391. Hello?

392. Hey, Michael. Yes.

393. You got Jim there with you?

394. No, it's just us.

395. Actually, can you call Jim in? I want him on this. Please.

396. Oh! Well, here he is right now.

397. Come in.

398. Hi, David.

399. Hey, guys. So, I spoke to AIan.

400. We had kind of an unconventional idea, which I think is pretty cool.

401. But it only works if everyone's on board.

402. Well, just as long as it means Jim becomes a manager.

403. We were thinking of having two branch managers in Scranton.

404. Both of you guys working as co-managers.

405. Jim would handle the day-to-day,

406. and Michael, you would focus on clients and big picture stuff.

407. Wow! That sounds pretty cool.

408. I like that!

409. So, manager and co-manager.

410. Co-manager and co-manager.

411. See, there are a lot of moving pieces

412. and this is the only way I can sell it upstairs.

413. Well, that might be a little confusing for people

414. because they know me as manager.

415. All right, hey, Michael, can you pick up for one second?

416. Okay, look, I'm not going to force you into anything.

417. If you're willing to lose Jim, fine.

418. You just say so. We'll find another solution. Okay?

419. Is that what you want to do?

420. Okay, people, listen up! Okay, everybody.

421. I have an announcement to make.

422. Fraud was committed in . . . Whoa!

423. Do you have an announcement?

424. I was making it.

425. Everybody, David Wallace and I have talked,

426. and we have decided to promote Jim to the position of co-manager.

427. Co-manager of what?

428. Of your butt!

429. And your butt, and your butt, and your butt. All of Scranton branch butts.

430. What's happening to you, Michael?

431. What's happening to me?

432. I am also being promoted to co-manager.

433. We will be co-managers together.

434. Jim Halpert, welcome.

435. Thank you.

436. Niagara Falls in October? Hells yeah!

437. Do you think that you could send in your RSVP card?

438. No. I'll just tell you now. Easier.

439. Well, you have to choose a food option,

440. and there's information in there about directions and lodging.

441. I'll just have whatever's fanciest, unless there's ribs,

442. and I'll just get all the other information the day of. I'll text you.

443. You are going to text me the morning of my wedding

444. to ask for directions . . . Mmm-hmm. Right.

445. . . . and you will eat whatever is fanciest?

446. Unless there's ribs.

447. Rude.

448. So rude, right? Mmm-hmm.

449. Oh, my gosh. I have been chasing people down all day.

450. It's incredible.

451. Pam, my bag was there.