1. Hey, Jim.
Jim! Come here.Copy !req
2. Do you know who that is?Copy !req
3. No.Copy !req
4. Look at him.
Look at him.Copy !req
5. T-shirt, jeans.Copy !req
6. Is it you?
(LAUGHS) I am flattered.Copy !req
7. That's Johnny Depp.Copy !req
8. Where'd you take that?
In my condo complex.Copy !req
9. Oh, my God, that's right!
I read in People magazineCopy !req
10. that he was looking for
a two-bedroom condo
in Scranton.Copy !req
11. I'm flipping out, man.Copy !req
12. Well, you remember my idea
for the fourth Pirates movie.Copy !req
13. Sure. That they should do one.Copy !req
14. Hey, Jim, Jim,
where do I find
the Black Pearl?Copy !req
15. Who's that?
Captain Jack Sparrow.Copy !req
16. Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim.Copy !req
17. John Dillinger.Copy !req
18. No, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.Copy !req
19. Cap'n Crunch.Copy !req
20. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
21. Screw you, Halpert.Copy !req
22. You know, it's not easy
getting excited about stuff.Copy !req
23. Remember how
you felt when you thought
you'd seen Roger Clemens?Copy !req
24. At the Yankees game.Copy !req
25. Yeah. Well, it wasn't him.Copy !req
26. I had
a little better
reason to believe that . . .Copy !req
27. You're right.
You're right.Copy !req
28. Well, you're not right,
because Johnny Depp . . .Copy !req
29. I know. I know!
. . .in your condo complex?Copy !req
30. It also explains
why the name on his
mailbox was M. Schulman.Copy !req
31. M. Night Schulman?Copy !req
32. First up,Copy !req
33. the Lost and Found has
gone missing.Copy !req
34. It itself is lost,Copy !req
35. so please try not to lose
anything until we find it.Copy !req
36. (EXCLAlMS) Pet day.
if you don't have a pet
please don't feel like . . .Copy !req
37. When are we
getting to sales topics?Copy !req
38. Yeah. What about those leads?
Did you hear anything
from corporate?Copy !req
39. Ah, yes, the leads.Copy !req
40. The leads that
Sabre has spent $50,000Copy !req
41. to get
from a market research
company are not here yet.Copy !req
42. Man.
But will be . . .Copy !req
43. Damn it!
No, no, no. No.
Meeting's not over.Copy !req
44. But is there
anything relevant
to the sales staff here?Copy !req
45. No sales topic, per se.Copy !req
46. Well, then
no Andy Bernard, per se.Copy !req
47. I agree.Copy !req
48. Dwight?
Sorry. Michael,
I got calls to make.Copy !req
49. I would like your
undivided attention, please.Copy !req
50. You couldn't handle
my undivided attention.Copy !req
51. Over the last few weeks,
things have been
changing here.Copy !req
52. Sabre says it is our duty
to support the sales team,Copy !req
53. and the salesmen are
letting it go to
their heads.Copy !req
54. I think it's kind of
screwed up,Copy !req
55. because the way
this place used to workCopy !req
56. was make
friends first,
make sales second,Copy !req
57. make love third,
in no particular order.Copy !req
58. Listen, Michael,Copy !req
59. about what
happened earlier.Copy !req
60. Yeah?Copy !req
61. When I was asking about
the leads.Copy !req
62. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
63. ls there any news
on the leads?Copy !req
64. Is that
all you have
to say to me?Copy !req
65. Yeah. You got any
news on the leads?Copy !req
66. Okay, I tell you what.Copy !req
67. I'm going out on
a very important
sales call.Copy !req
68. You get any news
about the leads,
you try me.Copy !req
69. All of my numbers.
All six of my numbers, okay?Copy !req
70. lncluding the car phone!Copy !req
71. All right, Dwight out!Copy !req
72. Salesman is King.Copy !req
73. As the best salesman,
I am King of Kings.Copy !req
74. Oh, you say Jesus
is King of Kings?Copy !req
75. Well, what does
that say to you about
how I think of myself?Copy !req
76. Do you not
answer emails anymore?Copy !req
77. Because I have
emailed you four times
asking you to come to my desk.Copy !req
78. Honey, if l
don't have time
to answer an email,Copy !req
79. I definitely
don't have time to
walk over to your desk.Copy !req
80. Wow, wowie, wowie.Copy !req
81. Congratulations.
It's a big check.Copy !req
82. Oh, sorry, one second.Copy !req
83. Stop sexting Pam.Copy !req
84. I'm trying to
congratulate you.Copy !req
85. This is actually
a big potential
sale, so . . .Copy !req
86. You're writing your
memoirs over there?Copy !req
87. You writing your
name over there?Copy !req
88. Well, it's a pretty big check.Copy !req
89. It's good, you know,
with the kid.Copy !req
90. Okay. Don't gloat.
Here's the thing.Copy !req
91. This kind of money
can corrupt people.Copy !req
92. All right,
here we go. "Michael."Copy !req
93. I'm just
saying that . . .Copy !req
94. "Michael."Copy !req
95. Great.Copy !req
96. Teddy, nice. Let me just . . .
Let me write that down
real quick.Copy !req
97. Pencil. Give me a pencil.Copy !req
98. Hang on, Teddy.
I'm making a sale.Copy !req
99. Mmm-hmm.
Sales.Copy !req
100. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
101. There's other pencils
in this office.Copy !req
102. Give me . . .Copy !req
103. Honey and jelly
sandwich time.Copy !req
104. Mike.Copy !req
105. Oh, you gotta
be kidding me.Copy !req
106. Look at that. That's . . .Copy !req
107. I know who did that.Copy !req
108. (EXHALES)
You saw who did this
and you didn't stop them?Copy !req
109. Didn't have to see.
It was sales, I can feel it.Copy !req
110. They are out of control.Copy !req
111. The sales department
smashed my sandwich.Copy !req
112. Yes. All of them.Copy !req
113. Together.
It's a conspiracy.Copy !req
114. Listen to me, Mike.Copy !req
115. You gotta do
something about them.Copy !req
116. You don't get it.Copy !req
117. You need to get back on top.Copy !req
118. That's what she said.
That's what she said.Copy !req
119. Yeah.
Yeah.Copy !req
120. Something came
for you, Michael.Copy !req
121. Thank you very much.Copy !req
122. What'd you get?Copy !req
123. Uh, it's just
the stupid leads.
All right!Copy !req
124. About time.
Yeah! Me likey!Copy !req
125. Yeah, finally, Michael.
Hand them over, numbnuts.Copy !req
126. But seriously, I mean,
it's your job to give
us those leads.Copy !req
127. All right.Copy !req
128. Then I guess I should
give them out. Hold on.Copy !req
129. You know what I'm thinking?Copy !req
130. I'm thinking that I have
something that you want.Copy !req
131. You guys are acting
like you own this place,Copy !req
132. and you don't.Copy !req
133. Not even Sabre owns
this place. It's a rental.Copy !req
134. I'm kind of sick of
the attitude around here.Copy !req
135. I'm sick of
the cocky walk.Copy !req
136. I am
sick of you throwing
your paycheck in my face.Copy !req
137. I am sick of your
uppity attitude, Jim.Copy !req
138. I think
I am not going to
give these to you.Copy !req
139. Yes!
Yeah!Copy !req
140. We need those leads, Michael.Copy !req
141. That's our job,
Michael. Michael!Copy !req
142. Michael, we spent
a lot of money on those leads.Copy !req
143. You have to
give them out.Copy !req
144. Then we are
just rewarding
their bad behavior.Copy !req
145. Okay, just imagineCopy !req
146. that instead of
going to jail for
murdering someone,Copy !req
147. you got an ice cream cone.Copy !req
148. if that were the case,
then in the summertime,Copy !req
149. everyone would go
around killing peopleCopy !req
150. for the pleasure
of an ice cream cone.Copy !req
151. Michael, I don't want
to incentivize murder,Copy !req
152. but we've tried
to make it clearCopy !req
153. that our policy
emphasizes sales staff.Copy !req
154. They act like
I have no power.Copy !req
155. But you do.
You are in charge...Copy !req
156. Thank you.
of supporting
the sales staff.Copy !req
157. You are required to hand
out those leads, Michael.Copy !req
158. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
159. Well, if that is what I am
required to do, I will do
exactly that.Copy !req
160. Okay, good.
Exactly that.Copy !req
161. Good.
Exactly that.Copy !req
162. Why do you
keep repeating...Copy !req
163. Hello. May l
have everyone's
attention, please?Copy !req
164. Gabe has
instructed me to
hand out the leads,Copy !req
165. so I am going to give
the leads to King Creed.Copy !req
166. What?
What are you . . .Copy !req
167. And to King Meredith!Copy !req
168. They aren't
sales people.Copy !req
169. And to King Angela.Copy !req
170. Because today we are
all kings and queens.Copy !req
171. What the hell do you think
you're doing?Copy !req
172. I am giving them
the leads, Phyllis.Copy !req
173. Hey.
Hey.Copy !req
174. So I'm gonna go ahead
and save you some time,Copy !req
175. and tell
you that no one's
gonna go along with this.Copy !req
176. But you knew that, right?Copy !req
177. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
178. All right. So,
why don't you just give
me my share of the leads,Copy !req
179. and I'll start
making some calls?Copy !req
180. Okay.Copy !req
181. Hey, all right.
All right.Copy !req
182. These aren't leads.
What are they?Copy !req
183. (CLlCKS TONGUE) Oh, right.
Those are clues,Copy !req
184. and within each clue
is a lesson.Copy !req
185. You learn a lesson,
and then you find a lead.Copy !req
186. The leads are scattered
all over the industrial park.Copy !req
187. I'm trying to make
your kids respect you,Copy !req
188. because a father
needs to respect
his boss,Copy !req
189. and kids don't respect
the father who doesn't
respect the boss.Copy !req
190. Do you understand
that line of logic?Copy !req
191. I don't even think
you understand it.Copy !req
192. I do understand it.Copy !req
193. This one's a map.Copy !req
194. Or is it?Copy !req
195. How the
tables have turned!
I see you got my email.Copy !req
196. Are you
gonna give me
the leads or not?Copy !req
197. I'll give you the leads.
But you know what?Copy !req
198. It's gonna cost you
some clerical work.Copy !req
199. What are these for?
It doesn't matter.Copy !req
200. Fill them out.
All of them.Copy !req
201. And when you're done,
you can watch me
shred them.Copy !req
202. Right.Copy !req
203. I want to watch
The Kardashians, okay?Copy !req
204. I don't want to watch
Bored To Death.
It's mindless!Copy !req
205. Kardashians is a good show.
It is . . .Copy !req
206. Thank you, Stanley!
No, you don't even know!Copy !req
207. How would he even
know The Kardashians?Copy !req
208. It's about a family,
a real-life family.
No, Stanley, do you . . .Copy !req
209. Hey, baby, what's up?Copy !req
210. I am
currently reading
incoherent riddlesCopy !req
211. on blue index cards
to find vital informationCopy !req
212. that Michael has hidden
all over the office.
How are you?Copy !req
213. Nothing but vomit
and diapers over here.Copy !req
214. Oh, my God.
I couldn't envy you more.Copy !req
215. Having a baby
is as exhausting
as they say it is.Copy !req
216. Having two babies,
that's just unfair.Copy !req
217. How about this one?Copy !req
218. "When arrogant salesmen
are mean to my face,Copy !req
219. "a certain manager
will go to his
moppy place."Copy !req
220. He means
his mopey place.Copy !req
221. It's under that street lamp
that he thinks was
in Casablanca.Copy !req
222. God, I love you.Copy !req
223. Today I turned
an office crisis
into a teachable moment.Copy !req
224. A lesser manager
would have screwed
this day up royally.Copy !req
225. I can imagine some yokel
sitting behind his desk
saying,Copy !req
226. "Oh, yeah,
take a Iead.
Learn nothing."Copy !req
227. Some people shouldn't
be in this business.Copy !req
228. Hey. I guess
you probably won't
give me your leadsCopy !req
229. since I'm a jerk salesman.Copy !req
230. Yeah. I basically
wish you were dead.Copy !req
231. (WHlSPERS) I hid the leads.Copy !req
232. Where?Copy !req
233. Colder.Copy !req
234. Warmer.Copy !req
235. Colder. Colder. Warmer.Copy !req
236. Warmer. Warmer!Copy !req
237. Hot! Hotter.Copy !req
238. Burning hot! Lower.Copy !req
239. Are you . . .
Lower.Copy !req
240. Are you sure?Copy !req
241. Lower.Copy !req
242. What are you doing, idiot?Copy !req
243. Michael's stupid
scavenger hunt.Copy !req
244. Scavenger hunt? Here.
I can solve it. Give it.Copy !req
245. "The treasure you seek
is in the parking lotCopy !req
246. "under the first president"?Copy !req
247. Lincoln.Copy !req
248. The prankster
is getting pranked.Copy !req
249. It involves you, too.Copy !req
250. The leads are in?Copy !req
251. Michael?Copy !req
252. Michael, you were
supposed to tell me
when the leads came in.Copy !req
253. Well, big shot, if you
want to find your leads,Copy !req
254. go to the man
who never breeds.Copy !req
255. Kevin.Copy !req
256. Damn it!Copy !req
257. Kevin! Give me those leads.
Where are they? Come on!Copy !req
258. You are never
going to find them.Copy !req
259. Really?
I'm going to enjoy this.Copy !req
260. Give me the leads!
Where are my leads?Copy !req
261. Give me the leads!Copy !req
262. I'm still enjoying it!Copy !req
263. Where are they?Copy !req
264. They're in the trash.
They're in the trash.Copy !req
265. The trash. It's code.Copy !req
266. All right, Meredith.
Take off your dress.Copy !req
267. Okey-dokey.Copy !req
268. No, dear God, no.Copy !req
269. It's in the trashcan.
In the kitchen.Copy !req
270. It's coming off
either way.Copy !req
271. Clean sack.Copy !req
272. What . . .
I emptied it in the dumpster.Copy !req
273. It had Toby's baba ghanoush.Copy !req
274. if we don't
patronize the only
Syrian restaurant in town,Copy !req
275. there'll be nothing left
but pan pizzasCopy !req
276. and, you know,
make-your-own-salads.Copy !req
277. It's empty!Copy !req
278. Wait. What day is today?Copy !req
279. Tonight is Ghost Whisperer,
so Friday.Copy !req
280. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! No, no, no!Copy !req
281. Hey, hey!Copy !req
282. Wait! Wait!Copy !req
283. Okay, you know what?
Let's just go to the
dump, start looking.Copy !req
284. Ryan, come on.
Shotgun in my car.Copy !req
285. Michael, why would
we all go to the dump?Copy !req
286. Why? Because I am
not going to call SabreCopy !req
287. and say, "Hi! You know
those very valuable,
expensive leadsCopy !req
288. "that you gave us
earlier today?Copy !req
289. "Well, because of a screw-up
by a staff member,Copy !req
290. "they're now
in the city dump."Copy !req
291. Not your staff, Michael. You.Copy !req
292. Well, that's not the way
it's gonna sound.Copy !req
293. Here's what we'll do.
We'll go to the dump,
we'll look around,Copy !req
294. then we'll all go
out and get pizza,Copy !req
295. maybe catch a movie,
late-night drink,Copy !req
296. some more pizza,
call it a night.
What do you . . .Copy !req
297. Does it have to be pizza?
Could we go for a falafel?Copy !req
298. Really?Copy !req
299. I'm not going.
You did this, not us.Copy !req
300. Okay, no. You encouraged it.
You were complicit. Complicit.Copy !req
301. You were all successories.Copy !req
302. That sounds fun,
mucking around
in the dump.Copy !req
303. I wish I could go.
You can.Copy !req
304. I can't.
You know that.Copy !req
305. Okay, fine, I get it.
I'll just go by myself.Copy !req
306. I'll go, Michael.Copy !req
307. 'Cause you'll just
screw it up.Copy !req
308. This place has gone to hell.Copy !req
309. You know,
Dwight, there was a time
you'd be pinching yourselfCopy !req
310. to have the opportunity
to look through a dump
with me.Copy !req
311. Yeah, well,
the acorn becomes the oak.Copy !req
312. Yeah. Well,
sometimes the acorn
just stays an acorn.Copy !req
313. if you don't believe me,
look in my gutters.Copy !req
314. You're adorable.
You need to go for it.Copy !req
315. I'm gonna be, like,
mad at you if you don't . . .
Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
316. (EXCLAlMS) Can't wait
for this day to be over.Copy !req
317. Why?
Just all the drama.Copy !req
318. What drama?Copy !req
319. Between the . . .Copy !req
320. Us and you guys.Copy !req
321. It's unnecessary, right?Copy !req
322. So unnecessary.Copy !req
323. Good. Thank God you said that.Copy !req
324. You know,
maybe if the salesmenCopy !req
325. weren't acting like such
a bunch of stuck-up losers,Copy !req
326. then this day
wouldn't be so bad.
Did you ever think of that?Copy !req
327. I have new
baby pictures.Copy !req
328. Jim.Copy !req
329. Don't use
your cute baby
to make us like you.Copy !req
330. She's wearing a Onesie.Copy !req
331. Stop it.Copy !req
332. if we act nice now,Copy !req
333. then we're
rewarding them
for treating us poorly.Copy !req
334. Didn't we kind of start it?Copy !req
335. Mmm. I think you're
remembering that wrong.Copy !req
336. Yeah.
I don't know
about this.Copy !req
337. I mean, I think
we should hold
our ground.Copy !req
338. The company's changed, and
if they don't like it,
they can leave.Copy !req
339. I mean,
a lot of their work
can be done from lndia.Copy !req
340. Can we at least all agree
that this is uncomfortable,Copy !req
341. and maybe heading
for something bad?Copy !req
342. All those who agree
say "aye."Copy !req
343. Aye.Copy !req
344. All those opposed?
I don't think
we need opposed.Copy !req
345. You've changed, man.Copy !req
346. Oh, why,
'cause I have a shot
at a 100K commission?Copy !req
347. Since when do you
care about money?Copy !req
348. When I first met you,
you were a wide-eyed innocent.Copy !req
349. Hey, there is
nothing I can do
about my wide-set eyes.Copy !req
350. No, no, no,
I'm talking about
your personality, Dwight!Copy !req
351. Okay, when I first met you,
I had a lot of job offers.Copy !req
352. And I had an offer
from lvan Schotsky.Copy !req
353. The lvan Schotsky.
if I had assistant
managed him . . .Copy !req
354. Assistant to
the managed him.Copy !req
355. Oh, that's low!Copy !req
356. I would be number two
right now at a Home Depot!Copy !req
357. Yeah.
Okay?Copy !req
358. 'Cause they promote
from within!Copy !req
359. lnstead I had to follow you.
You're going nowhere.Copy !req
360. You think
you would have done
better without me. Really?Copy !req
361. I hitched my wagon
to a horse with no legs.Copy !req
362. Wow! Okay! Man!Copy !req
363. When I think
about all the timeCopy !req
364. that I wasted
being your friend!Copy !req
365. I shouldn't have
been hanging outCopy !req
366. watching karate
movies with you!Copy !req
367. Kung fu movies!Copy !req
368. You know
what I should
have been doing?Copy !req
369. I should have
been out at bars
finding my soul mate,Copy !req
370. finding my wife,
making babies.Copy !req
371. Nice babies you're making
with the floozies at the bars!Copy !req
372. That's my wife
you're talking
about, man!Copy !req
373. Your made-up wife
who doesn't exist?Copy !req
374. You watch it!Copy !req
375. if I'd wanted to hit you,
I would have hit you.
Don't do it! No, no.Copy !req
376. You just made an enemy
with the wrong guy, Dwight.Copy !req
377. Wait. Timeout,
timeout, timeout!Copy !req
378. Time-in.
No!Copy !req
379. Don't . . . Don't even
think about that.Copy !req
380. Stop it!Copy !req
381. Give me that.
That's my spool!Copy !req
382. What's the least we can do
to make this okay?Copy !req
383. I'll text Pam.
She's really good
at this stuff.Copy !req
384. Yeah. I'll text Erin.
She's really good at
this stuff, too.Copy !req
385. I mean,
I guess we could give them
some of our new commissions.Copy !req
386. That is
a dangerous precedent.Copy !req
387. Pam texted back saying
we could give them
all iPods.Copy !req
388. if they don't
have an iPod by now,
they really don't want one.Copy !req
389. All right.
Then we're
back to cash.Copy !req
390. And I gotta say,Copy !req
391. if giving
a small percentage
of our commissionsCopy !req
392. is gonna smooth
all this over,
I'm for it.Copy !req
393. Okay, fine,
cash it is.Copy !req
394. Erin just texted me back.Copy !req
395. "People love shells
from faraway beaches."Copy !req
396. Okay, Dwight.
All right, Dwight.Copy !req
397. Here we go!
Here we go!
Oh, God!Copy !req
398. Oh.Copy !req
399. We're never gonna
find those leads,
are we?Copy !req
400. No.Copy !req
401. Amazing, isn't it?Copy !req
402. No other animal on Earth
could do this.Copy !req
403. Maybe beavers.
But not like this.Copy !req
404. So, how about, guys,
1 % commission a month
instead of 2%?Copy !req
405. What do you think . . .
No.Copy !req
406. No, we agreed
2% for the quarter.
Yes.Copy !req
407. Okay. Hey, everybody.Copy !req
408. Nice spread. We get it.Copy !req
409. You eat like royalty.
No, no.Copy !req
410. This is a representation
of how we feel,Copy !req
411. and how we feel
is really sorry.Copy !req
412. Yeah. We wanted
to bring you in and
make a peace offering.Copy !req
413. Yeah, we wanted to
do the right thing, so . . .Copy !req
414. Way to go, guys.
This . . .Copy !req
415. This was an
integrity move.Copy !req
416. Yeah. When we
walked in here,Copy !req
417. we were all prepared
to tell you to go to hell.Copy !req
418. Do you have
any pastries
without fruit?Copy !req
419. Yes, we do. Eclairs.Copy !req
420. Well, you better
be happy, taking
2% of our . . .Copy !req
421. 2% milk!
What I forgot
for the coffee.Copy !req
422. Yeah, treats, Stanley.Copy !req
423. They've accepted
our simple offer
of treats only,Copy !req
424. nothing more.Copy !req
425. This is nice.
All of us back together.Copy !req
426. This?Copy !req
427. Why would somebody
throw that out?Copy !req
428. (RAZZlNG) Waste.Copy !req
429. Hey.Copy !req
430. You know who'd
like this? Phyllis.Copy !req
431. Purple much?Copy !req
432. Yeah, she does.Copy !req
433. She loves purple.
Does it stink?Copy !req
434. Yeah.Copy !req
435. You know
what would be
a great picture here?Copy !req
436. Just this whole dump,
and in the middle,
one flower.Copy !req
437. Mmm-hmm.
That's it.Copy !req
438. Wow.Copy !req
439. And the caption
would read . . .Copy !req
440. "Hope grows."Copy !req
441. "In a dump."Copy !req
442. ls the good news
that you found our leads?Copy !req
443. No. Better.Copy !req
444. We have
an awesome
beanbag chairCopy !req
445. that's perfect
for the break room.Copy !req
446. (EXCLAlMS IN DlSGUST)
I'm never gonna sit on
that disgusting seat.Copy !req
447. Yeah, damn right you're not,
'cause it's for me and
Michael only!Copy !req
448. Yeah!
Yeah!Copy !req
449. It's freezing out here.Copy !req
450. Yeah!Copy !req
451. I have warm blood.Copy !req
452. Oh, wow. Thank you.Copy !req
453. You're the nicest person
I've ever met.Copy !req