The Office 6x13

Directed by Jeffrey Blitz

Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

A banker representing a potential buyer comes to the Scranton branch to interview the H.R. department before the sale goes through.

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1. Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold,

2. but first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch.

3. And I'm pretty nervous about it,

4. and I'm making some cosmetic tweaks

5. to help create a more appealing environment.

6. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way.

7. When you look in the mirror and you see

8. your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes

9. and your makeup and your press-on nails,

10. the principles that I'm applying to the office

11. are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star.

12. Or any number of drag queens.

13. Hi. Hello, Eric Ward.

14. Welcome to Dunder Mifflin.

15. I am Computron, your answer to everything.

16. Hello. Hello.

17. I see you've met Computron, our virtual helper.

18. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome.

19. Computron is just one of the many modern devices

20. that I have incorporated into the office.

21. Watch this. Computron? Yes.

22. What is the world's largest ocean?

23. Calculating.

24. Pacific!

25. Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool, huh?

26. Great news, Michael,

27. we're now the official paper supplier of the NFL.

28. That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working.

29. And here's Pam.

30. She's our international sales consultant.

31. Hello.

32. The NFL celebrated its 50th anniversary in 1972.

33. It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York,

34. Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee.

35. So, that's where we are.

36. Hello, Stanley.

37. Hi.

38. For the record, not on board with fake Stanley.

39. Although, I get it.

40. I just need to check out your warehouse and then talk to your HR guy.

41. That is pretty much the only reason that I came here today.

42. Okay. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit . . .

43. Right. . . . since you made the trip out.

44. And I got us reservations at Coopers Seafood. You like lobster?

45. You've had lobster before, right?

46. Yeah.

47. They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it.

48. Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better.

49. No, Computron, actually, I think Coopers is the best.

50. You're going to love it.

51. Are you calling me wrong?

52. (SlGHS) Oh, my God.

53. It's called due diligence.

54. Basically, I confirm inventory,

55. take a head count, see if there are any HR liabilities.

56. I'm a glorified fact checker.

57. Actually, I am a fact checker.

58. All right.

59. Excuse me. if you will . . . Hey, Michael,

60. do you think l could get a space here? . . . follow me this way.

61. I will introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested.

62. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun, you two.

63. Oh, we will. Have a seat.

64. Mmm.

65. (WHlSPERlNG) I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999

66. in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think l bought us some time.

67. So, the manager, Michael Scott

68. is a bit of a character.

69. He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff

70. than you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder.

71. So, what was the question?

72. What are you doing at my desk?

73. lgnore him. He's the local lunatic.

74. Come on, Dwight, get out of here.

75. Dwight? Who is this Dwight?

76. Oh!

77. You mean Dwight Schrute,

78. the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron.

79. I wear many hats, but the one I'm wearing currently

80. is that of gracious host.

81. Welcome.

82. Sorry. Hey, Toby Flenderson. Nice to meet you. How can I help?

83. Are there any outstanding liability issues to be aware of?

84. What do you mean?

85. Well, safety issues, injuries that could leave

86. the company open to any potential lawsuits.

87. Um . . .

88. Nothing comes to mind.

89. Mike, get off of the lift. Please!

90. Come on, now.

91. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

92. Look, would you . . . Look . . .

93. We'll get somebody to clean that up.

94. We're the ones that gotta clean that up!

95. I feel very blessed.

96. Drop that sucker.

97. Yeah! Bingo!

98. Do it! Yeah!

99. Today, smoking is going to save lives.

100. Run, run. Okay, okay.

101. Calm, please.

102. Oscar!

103. Stay alive, I'm getting help!

104. Pull me up! You're too heavy.

105. I only weigh 82 pounds.

106. Save Bandit!

107. Seriously, are you gonna sit in the back?

108. Yeah. It's the safest part of a car.

109. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.

110. My hair!

111. Get off! Get off me!

112. I got it! I got it!

113. Get it off!

114. You're welcome.

115. So, the staff, are people generally happy?

116. Happy is a funny word.

117. In what way?

118. You know . . .

119. You know, what does it mean to be happy?

120. Keep philosophers busy for a while.

121. So, generally?

122. Yes.

123. Generally. Generally happy.

124. Generally happy.

125. I don't know what streets we . . . Ow! What are you doing?

126. It would be better if you were unconscious.

127. Ow!

128. Try my googy googy. Try my googy googy. Try my . . .

129. Excuse me. Don't touch me!

130. Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

131. Can't we all just get along?

132. Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King?

133. What about non-safety issues in terms of liability?

134. Sexual harassment? Anything like that?

135. Well, I don't know.

136. You don't know?

137. I don't know.

138. You're the head of human resources.

139. I don't know.

140. No. Okay.

141. Stanley? How about that hot picture you have by your desk?

142. Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit?

143. I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on.

144. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it.

145. But what? Are we gonna just take it away?

146. That is my daughter, she goes to Catholic girls' school.

147. Michael. Come in!

148. Hey! Oh, my God!

149. What are you doing? What are you doing?

150. You said, come in! No, I didn't!

151. Just, please, get out. Oh, my God!

152. What's wrong with my outfit?

153. (STAMMERlNG) You might consider pulling it down a touch.

154. Bunch of prudes. You know, Oscar's allowed to wear sandals,

155. (ALL GASPlNG) but I'm not allowed to wear open-toed shoes?

156. Is that how it goes?

157. Meredith, your boob is out.

158. Fine.

159. (ALL GROANlNG) Too far, Meredith! Too far!

160. Damn it, Meredith, where are your panties?

161. It's casual day.

162. Come here, give me a kiss, come on.

163. Michael, come on, you don't have to worry. I'm not

164. gonna report you to HR. I'm not . . . I'm not worried!

165. You know what? The only thing I am worried about

166. is getting a boner.

167. I'm now going to read aloud your submitted medical conditions.

168. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand

169. to indicate that it is real.

170. if you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.

171. Number one, inverted penis.

172. Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.

173. I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.

174. A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

175. Attention, everyone. Hello.

176. Yes, I just want you to know that, this is not my decision.

177. You can consider this my retirement from comedy.

178. Does that include "that's what she said"?

179. Yes.

180. Wow, that is really hard.

181. You really think you can go all day long?

182. Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so . . .

183. That's what she said!

184. Michael!

185. Why did you get it so big?

186. That's what she said.

187. Does the skin look red and swollen?

188. That's what she said.

189. That's my joke. Damn it, Dwight.

190. How about the Phyllis-Angela dispute?

191. You already did me.

192. (MOUTHlNG) That's what she said.

193. ls there any mustard?

194. No mustard! No mustard! Just eat it!

195. Eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water

196. so it'll slide down your gullet more easily.

197. That's what she said.

198. Oh, no, no, no, no, not that . . .

199. Just come on, you guys, let's do it.

200. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

201. I don't want to Iie.

202. And I don't want to tell the truth.

203. Hey, Tobes, what you doing? What you guys talking about?

204. We're just going over some stuff.

205. Stuff? I love stuff.

206. It's HR stuff.

207. HR stuff? H.R. Pufnstuf.

208. Right up my alley. What is that? What kind of stuff is that?

209. It's a company evaluation form.

210. Ah!

211. We're talking about . . .

212. Talking about what?

213. Waste is next.

214. Waste?

215. What does that even mean? Like garbage?

216. No, waste of time, resources.

217. Oh! Time and resources.

218. Look, you know, in any company,

219. there's gonna be a certain degree . . .

220. No. No, no, no, no, no. Respectfully, Toby, no.

221. No. This company does not waste time or resources ever.

222. Dig deep. Dig deep.

223. It's Phyllis, Phyllis by a nose.

224. Gold medal in Flernenton. Flonkerton.

225. Where is my desk?

226. That is weird.

227. Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.

228. You're so pathetic. Well, I hope it was worth it,

229. because I'm going to take it apart in about five minutes.

230. I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.

231. if I can skin a mule deer in less than 10 minutes,

232. I ought to be able to cut my . . .

233. Damn it! Jim!

234. Okay. Hold on, hold on.

235. Judge is in session. What is the problem here?

236. He put my stuff in Jell-O again.

237. (IN DEEP VOlCE) Bang, boom, shake, klump!

238. Why, hello, everybody.

239. What are you doing?

240. Question, what kind of bear is best?

241. That's a ridiculous question.

242. False. Black bear.

243. Well, that's debatable.

244. There are basically two schools of thought.

245. Fact, bears eat beets. Oh . . .

246. Bears, beets,

247. Battlestar Galactica. Bears do not . . .

248. What is going on? What are you doing?

249. ldentity theft is not a joke, Jim!

250. Millions of families suffer every year!

251. Michael!

252. Oh, that's funny. Michael!

253. Is anyone near retirement age?

254. This is Creed.

255. And he is in charge of something.

256. Right? That is correct.

257. Say hi to the kids. Hi, kids.

258. Yay!

259. Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? Ew!

260. What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! Just . . . No, no, no, no, no!

261. Would you cut it out?

262. Okay. Ryan, you told Toby

263. that Creed has a distinct old man smell?

264. I know exactly what he's talking about.

265. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer.

266. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

267. Hey, where's Dwight?

268. You didn't hear?

269. Decapitated. Whole big thing. We had a funeral for a bird.

270. I'm pretty sure none of that's real.

271. You're not real, man.

272. Hey. Yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with HR.

273. So . . .

274. Well, I think I'm gonna be here for a while.

275. This is a building where friends become lovers,

276. and lovers become sexually interactive, right?

277. Would you agree with that?

278. Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about.

279. That is true.

280. Mmm.

281. I like you.

282. But you need to access your un-crazy side.

283. Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met.

284. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking?

285. What kind of game is that?

286. I am so happy we don't have to break up now, Ryan!

287. It is the best day of my whole life!

288. When I said that I wanted to have kids,

289. and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do?

290. And then, when you said that you might want to have kids,

291. and I wasn't so sure, who had the vasectomy reversed?

292. And then when you said you definitely didn't want to have kids?

293. Who had it reversed back?

294. Snip, snap! Snip, snap! Snip, snap!

295. I did! Okay . . .

296. You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person!

297. Kelly, I'm your boss now, okay?

298. You can't keep talking to me like I'm your boyfriend.

299. Oh, big strong man, fancy new whatever.

300. I don't think you ever cared about me.

301. I never cared about you?

302. Six months ago, Karen Filippelli sent me an email,

303. asked me out, I said no,

304. because I was committed to our relationship.

305. Well, I hope you're still committed, because I'm pregnant.

306. This is an image

307. that I want you people to remember for a long time to come.

308. Whenever you come into the office,

309. I want you to think about this.

310. We don't need to.

311. Yes, we do. What?

312. I did it!

313. Thank you. Thank you.

314. Jim has got it bad for Pam.

315. Oh! Which one is Pam?

316. What? Nothing.

317. Okay. What?

318. I don't know. What?

319. Oh, my God!

320. Did you wanna tell me something?

321. You look like you want to tell me something.

322. You look like you have something really important to say

323. and you just can't for some reason.

324. Come on, you can tell me.

325. Jim, you can tell me anything.

326. You have new music?

327. Yeah.

328. Definitely.

329. Bring it in. Here we go.

330. Look inside.

331. Oh, my God!

332. But I bet Jim got the job.

333. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified and smart.

334. Everyone loves him.

335. If he never comes back again,

336. that's okay.

337. We're friends.

338. We just . . . We never got the timing right.

339. But you know what, it's okay.

340. I'm totally fine.

341. Everything is going to be totally . . .

342. Pam.

343. Sorry.

344. Are you free for dinner tonight?

345. Yes.

346. All right. Then it's a date.

347. I'm sorry. What was the question?

348. Oh, my God.

349. Pam, will you marry me?

350. Oh, my God!

351. Thank you so much. Thank you.

352. Thank you. Thank you.

353. It's nice to meet you all.

354. Good to meet you.

355. Have a great day. Thank you.

356. Hope to see you soon. Yeah.

357. I feel very sorry for that banker because

358. he has to evaluate what we are worth.

359. He has to decide what we're capable of. And how do you do that?

360. What is Jim capable of? Or Pam? Or Kevin?

361. (SlNGlNG) Out of paper, out of stock

362. Those friendly faces around the block

363. Break loose from the chains

364. That are causing you pain

365. (SlNGlNG) Call Michael and Stanley, Jim, Dwight, Creed

366. Call Andy and Kelly For your business paper needs

367. Dunder Mifflin

368. The people person's paper people

369. Dunder Mifflin

370. The people person's paper people

371. Dunder Mifflin

372. The people person's paper people

373. I don't care if he goes and files a report

374. that says that we're nothing special

375. because I think our future is very bright.

376. We have only just begun.

377. Computron experiencing emotion.

378. Computron, I'm going to pull your plug, okay, buddy?

379. Okay. Just . . .

380. Please don't.

381. Computron wants to Iive.

382. Shut . . . Shut up. Shut up.

383. (SlNGlNG) Sittin' in my office With a plate of grilled bacon

384. Call my man Dwight Just to see what was shakin'!

385. Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty

386. So check out how we Iive

387. In the EIectric City!

388. They call it Scranton! What?

389. The EIectric City! Scranton! What?

390. The EIectric City!

391. Lazy Scranton, the EIectric City

392. They call it that 'cause of the electricity

393. The city's laid out from east to west

394. And our public parks and libraries are truly the best!

395. Call Poison Control if you're bit by a spider!

396. But check that it's covered By your healthcare provider!

397. Plenty of space in the parkin' lot!

398. But the Iittle cars go in the compact spot!

399. Spot! Spot! Spot!

400. Snack attack time

401. Don't lose your head

402. We like Cuginos for the tasty bread!

403. They call it Scranton! What?

404. The EIectric City! Scranton! What?