The Office 6x11

Directed by B.J. Novak

Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

Michael and Erin meet "Scott's Tots", a group of local teenagers whose college tuition was promised in one of Michael's grand delusions ten years prior. Meanwhile, in Michael's absence, Dwight convinces Jim to start an employee-of-the-month program with the intention of sabotaging Jim.

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1. You wanted to see me? Yeah, have a seat.

2. Is it serious?

3. Wow. Andy's a little scared.

4. Okay, right there.

5. Right there's the problem.

6. There have been reports around the office

7. that you have been talking baby talk.

8. Why would people say that?

9. Well, I have it on good authority that you said the following.

10. Can you read that back to me?

11. "Andy have a boo-boo tummy." Mmm-hmm.

12. Would you rather me say,

13. "Hey, guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up."

14. Okay. "Crazy diarrhea happening right now."

15. 'Cause things can get real adult real fast.

16. You are also on record as saying,

17. "Wittle-ittle, footie-wooties, num-nums,

18. "jammies, make boom-boom, widiciwus, and Whode lsland."

19. Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws?

20. Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across?

21. Well, if I do, Andy's sowwy.

22. You can't be a baby in the office.

23. It makes me look like I hire babies.

24. Well, if we're complaining,

25. a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying.

26. Okay. Who said that?

27. Just people.

28. For the record, I think it's pretty fantastic.

29. Thank you. Thank you a lot.

30. And for what it's worth, I think your baby voice is tops.

31. Tank you, Mr. Elvis.

32. You're welcome, baby.

33. Dr. Tuna M. D. , I have some terrible news.

34. Wait, are you the patient or the doctor?

35. The entire office has come down

36. with a pernicious case of the Mondays.

37. Wow. What do you put our chances at?

38. 0%.

39. Unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat!

40. Sounds risky.

41. Don't worry. There is a surefire cure.

42. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked had one.

43. Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AlG, my summer at Enron.

44. Wow. That's not such a bad idea. Great.

45. Anything else? Nope.

46. "Frankie's Dirty Joke of the Day."

47. There's a bunch of those. Keep.

48. There's a bunch of sent emails that just say "delivered."

49. Should I delete those?

50. I want to keep those so I can see what I sent.

51. That's why you have a sent mail folder.

52. Keep.

53. There's about three news alerts from Nip Slip.

54. For what? Nip Slip.

55. Okay. I don't know how those get on there.

56. Well . . .

57. Must be hackers. (KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

58. Hey, what's up?

59. What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever?

60. Would you still want to be my friend?

61. Did you murder someone?

62. Worse than murder.

63. Oh, my God.

64. Lurk much?

65. I miss Pam.

66. I think she's okay.

67. Is that what we're going for now? "Okay"?

68. We used to go for "pretty good."

69. Great.

70. Hey, how do you feel about starting

71. an Employee of the Month program?

72. Yeah. You know what, that actually might make me feel better.

73. I'm not in this for the trophies, but . . .

74. You're not in it at all

75. 'cause you can't be Employee of the Month. You're a manager.

76. Well, technically I am a co-manager

77. and I barely have any responsibilities.

78. All right. Yeah. But I work hard, I love this company,

79. and for those reasons I think I would make a good Employee of the Month.

80. It would look bad. Sorry.

81. It would look good on my mantle.

82. Jim's talking to Michael right now.

83. They totally went for our idea!

84. Yeah! Your idea.

85. My idea.

86. I just need Andy to think it's his idea

87. so it won't get traced back to me.

88. In approximately six hours Jim will get a phone call from David Wallace.

89. He will be fired.

90. Hey, Pam, do you have a sec to check over this itinerary?

91. Looks great.

92. Did you really look it over? Felt like maybe you didn't.

93. Okay.

94. The Michael Scott Foundation is still in existence.

95. There you are. I don't think we have finished with my inbox.

96. What's "Scott's Tots"?

97. Has it really been 10 years?

98. Michael, why did you promise that?

99. To change lives.

100. No. Michael, why would you promise that?

101. You know . . . Okay. I can't . . .

102. Call the school, cancel. I can't go through with this.

103. We've already rescheduled seven times.

104. Michael, this is a terrible, terrible thing you've done.

105. Well . . .

106. It's terrible. Just terrible.

107. And the longer you put it off, the worse it's gonna get.

108. I just . . . I fell in love with these kids,

109. and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system.

110. So I made them a promise.

111. I told them that if they graduated from high school,

112. I would pay for their college education.

113. I have made some empty promises in my life,

114. but hands down, that was the most generous.

115. Just tell me it is going to be okay, all right?

116. No!

117. I'm not a bad-news person. I bring good news,

118. like when l promised those kids I'd pay for college.

119. Okay. All right.

120. You have to tell them.

121. Would you come with me? You know, like old times? lnstead of . . .

122. I can print out a new itinerary with Pam's name on it.

123. It's fine. Erin, you're gonna go,

124. and you're gonna make sure Michael tells the truth.

125. Oh, God. You know what? Could this day get any worse?

126. Hey, Jimmy, what's up?

127. Not much.

128. Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried,

129. you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office.

130. Thanks, Dwight.

131. That laugh is so infectious.

132. You're creeping me out. I'm gonna go.

133. I didn't mean any of those things I just said.

134. And you can expect the same thing from everyone in this office

135. if you don't nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud.

136. Make it about the work.

137. Let me guess. You think you should get it.

138. This encompasses all available data.

139. Hours, tardiness, unconfirmed sick days, participation.

140. Everyone has been assigned a random number

141. for total fairness and transparency.

142. Also, this should be accompanied by a monetary prize.

143. Well, in an ideal world . . . In an ideal world

144. I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand,

145. so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.

146. Okay. If it's all the same to you,

147. I'm just gonna take away survival skills and self-defense.

148. I'm gonna run this by Toby and Accounting

149. and have them assemble the data.

150. It's okay, I'll do it.

151. Mr. Scott?

152. Hey! Mikela Lasker! How are you?

153. I'm good.

154. Good to see you. Where's your saxophone?

155. It's in the music room, Mr. Scott.

156. Eighth-grade graduation, she gave a rendition

157. of When the Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind.

158. Wow.

159. Well, you didn't even hear it.

160. Everyone's so excited that you're here today.

161. Oh, good. Now,

162. I know you probably want to see everyone,

163. but I was wondering if I could ask you some questions first.

164. Sure. You're famous.

165. I'm sure you remember this place. Oh, yeah.

166. Do you want to go in?

167. No, not at all. Nope. Come on.

168. You know what? You know, I shouldn't go in there.

169. I'm pretty busy. I shouldn't . . .

170. We just want to say thanks.

171. Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott!

172. Mr. Scott!

173. Mr. Scott, I know you're a busy man

174. and your schedule moves around a lot,

175. but for all your generosity through the years, your tots,

176. who are ready to graduate,

177. thought it was time to give you a proper thank you.

178. (SlNGlNG) Hey, Mr. Scott, what you gonna do

179. What you gonna do Make our dreams come true

180. Hey, Mr. Scott, what you gonna do

181. What you gonna do Make our dreams come true

182. You came into our lives and made a promise That made us honest

183. Made us realize We don't need to compromise

184. 'Cause we can have it all

185. 'Cause you made it possible For us to achieve the improbable

186. Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey

187. Hey, Mr. Scott, what you gonna do

188. What you gonna do Make our dreams come true

189. Wow!

190. Hey. So Jim thought it would be ideal . . .

191. Hey. . . . if we all pitched in . . .

192. So, Jim thought it would be ideal

193. if we all pitched in a 20 for this whole Employee of the Month thing.

194. Jim said that?

195. He thought you were doing an incredible job last month.

196. Jim said that?

197. You seem surprised.

198. No, no, that makes total sense.

199. Hey, buddy. So everyone . . .

200. Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule.

201. Politicians are always coming around,

202. telling us they're gonna fix our schools, promising this and that.

203. But you, Mr. Scott, you are actually doing it!

204. You have taught these kids, with hard work, that anything is possible.

205. You are a dream maker, and I thank you.

206. I thank you. I thank you, I thank you, I thank you.

207. There were a lot of times over the years

208. where I was pressured to get into the drug game.

209. But I always thought back to my guardian angel

210. and the gift that you gave me.

211. So I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity

212. to go to college, educate myself,

213. and become the next President Obama.

214. Oh, God.

215. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, welcome.

216. I know you're all very excited, but no matter who gets this,

217. I just want to say that you guys are all

218. Employees of the Month in my eyes.

219. And the winner is employee number nine, and that is . . .

220. Number nine, number nine, Jim Halpert.

221. What? What?

222. Are you kidding me? Oh, no.

223. Okay, wait. I was not . . .

224. I did not get . . .

225. "l did not . . . That was not . . .

226. "How come not . . ."

227. Guys, listen.

228. This was anonymous, all right?

229. There's no way I could have given it to myself,

230. because I didn't even know who was on here.

231. I just gave it to the employee with the highest overall score.

232. To my tally, you just won back your own parking spot,

233. a vacation day, and a nice tidy quarter of $1,000 from all of us.

234. Will everybody just stop for a second?

235. 'Cause obviously I'm not taking any of it.

236. A mistake has been made and we'll figure it out.

237. Second of all, there was no cash prize.

238. Yes!

239. Dwight? Yeah, you said,

240. "In an ideal world, there would be a cash prize."

241. isn't that what you said? No, Dwight, I meant,

242. yes, in a perfect world, someone would get money, but not . . .

243. Yeah, but, in your perfect world, only you get money.

244. Yeah, that's . . . Don't do this . . .

245. I know, all right? Don't do . . .

246. Let's put your hands together and give a warm welcome

247. for the man of the hour, Mr. Michael Scott.

248. Thank you.

249. All right. Wow.

250. I am never going to forget today. Not a chance.

251. I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today.

252. Who here's done something stupid in their lives?

253. Like skipped out on study hall

254. or mix up the difference between A gym and B gym,

255. that sort of thing? Show of hands.

256. Anybody? Yes, a bunch of you. Okay.

257. Well, me, too. I've done something stupid, which I would like to share.

258. Um . . .

259. Should we go?

260. No, no, we're okay. It's a double period.

261. All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition,

262. and tuition is very valuable.

263. But you know what's invaluable?

264. ls intuition. You know what that is?

265. That is the ability to know when something is about to happen.

266. Does anybody out there have intuition?

267. Know what's gonna happen next?

268. Nobody? Okay. You're gonna make me say it.

269. All right. I am so proud of all of you.

270. Derrick and Lefervre and Ben and Ayana

271. and Mikela and Nikki and Jason and . . .

272. I'm sorry, okay, I'm sort of spacing your name.

273. I'm Zion. I'm Mikela's younger brother.

274. Well, Zion, I am not going to be paying for your tuition.

275. Which brings me to my main point,

276. and that is that l will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition.

277. I'm so, so sorry.

278. What? You're kidding.

279. Excuse me?

280. I'm sorry.

281. Explain yourself, sir!

282. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

283. I'm so sorry.

284. You lied to us.

285. Yep. I lied to myself, too. I'm not a millionaire.

286. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close,

287. and then I thought maybe by the time I was 40,

288. but by 40 I had less money than when I was 30.

289. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know.

290. I wanted to pay for your education.

291. I really did. It was my dream.

292. Some people have evil dreams, some people have selfish dreams,

293. or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place.

294. You owe this to us.

295. Okay, hold on. Hold on.

296. Now, I can't pay for your college,

297. but you don't have to go to class to be in class.

298. Online courses are a viable option

299. to a traditional college experience,

300. and the best way to access those courses

301. is with your own personal laptop,

302. which is rendered useless without batteries,

303. and I have one for each of you.

304. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. They're lithium.

305. Look, there was a big mistake, obviously, so I will fix it. Okay?

306. This was your idea anyway.

307. Correction. It was my idea.

308. Okay.

309. My idea.

310. Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not even pregnant.

311. Okay, for the record, I am pregnant,

312. and obviously there's been some kind of a mistake,

313. so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list

314. and we'll move on.

315. Yeah, okay. That's fair.

316. Excellent idea, Pam. Thank you.

317. That would be employee number three, which is . . .

318. Son of a bitch!

319. Pam Halpert. What?

320. How is that possible?

321. No offense, Pam, but how the hell is that possible?

322. There must be some reasonable explanation for this.

323. Wait, come on. I didn't miss a day,

324. I came in early, I stayed late,

325. and I doubled my sales last month.

326. Oh, really? From what? Two to four?

327. Yep.

328. Guys, this isn't some elaborate scam, okay?

329. Hi, I have an order here for a custom cake. Jim Halpert.

330. Okay. That is me, but I didn't order the cake.

331. Look who it is.

332. He knew all along.

333. I'm gonna have some cake.

334. David Wallace's office.

335. This is Kevin Malone. ls David there?

336. No, he's in his weekly staff meeting. Can I take a message?

337. Tell him I'm mad at Jim 'cause he's asking us to give money to Pam.

338. This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace.

339. It's Toby Flenderson. Listen, things are getting really bad down here.

340. Hey, Mr. Scott.

341. Erin, can you give us a second?

342. That was messed up what you did.

343. Yeah, yeah, I know. I know.

344. I know, I'm sorry.

345. Who does something like that?

346. Who promises that to a bunch of kids

347. and then just doesn't come through like that?

348. What can I do?

349. You could pay for my college.

350. I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one.

351. How about this?

352. if you can find a way to pay for your tuition, let me buy your books, okay?

353. They're expensive.

354. Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right?

355. It's about $1,000.

356. (EXHALES) Really? Wow.

357. That's over $200 a year.

358. No, $1,000 each year.

359. For . . . Okay. Okay.

360. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write four checks for $1,000 each.

361. I'm going to date them one year apart.

362. Now, you are to use one check a year,

363. and please call me before you cash the check,

364. 'cause I've got monies to move around. Yeah, yeah.

365. Okay? Make it out to my Aunt Rosa.

366. That's a lot of zeroes.

367. This is Jim.

368. Jim, what the hell is happening there?

369. Hey, David. Yes?

370. So, there was a little bit of a miscommunication here today.

371. It's been a little wild, but I am on it.

372. Just so I understand, you started Employee of the Month,

373. give it to yourself,

374. then people complain, so you give it to your wife?

375. No. Am I missing something?

376. I really don't know how it happened, David.

377. I know how it happened.

378. Jim, I bumped you up because I thought you could make my life easier.

379. If you can't do that, we're gonna have a separate discussion.

380. All right, it will not happen again. I promise.

381. I am sorry. I am taking this out on you.

382. No. But things have been crazy here.

383. You know I think you're doing a great job, right?

384. What? No. Yeah. Thank you.

385. Okay. (CHUCKLES) We still on for dinner this weekend?

386. What? Yes.

387. Okay. See you. You're kidding me!

388. Damn it!

389. (SlNGlNG) Hey, Mr. Scott, what you gonna do

390. What you gonna do Make our dreams come true

391. Hey, Mr. Scott, what you gonna do

392. Please stop.

393. Fifteen lives.

394. I destroyed 15 young lives today.

395. No. Yes.

396. No, there's financial aid.

397. They could join the Army or the Navy.

398. Maybe . . . You're, what, like, 12?

399. The principal told me that

400. 90% of Scott's Tots are on track to graduate,

401. and that's 35% higher than the rest of the school,

402. so I think that if you hadn't made that promise,

403. a lot of them would have dropped out,

404. which is something to think about, I think.

405. I think you're doing a great job.

406. Really?

407. What do you want from this job,

408. provided the company doesn't go out of business?

409. Well, I've always wondered what it might be like to be an accountant.

410. Really?

411. Yes, but I'm terrible at math.

412. Well, you know, when I hired Kevin,

413. he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse.

414. Seriously? Yeah.

415. I just sort of had a feeling about him.

416. Have a feeling about you, too.

417. (SlNGlNG) Hey, Mr. Scott, what you gonna do

418. What you gonna do Make our dreams come true

419. Hey, Mr. Scott, what you gonna do

420. What you gonna do Make our dreams come true

421. Yeah!

422. See you tomorrow, Dwight.

423. Apparently.

424. How's it going? Good day? Not now, temp.

425. Okay. So, listen, I know about your diabolical plan.

426. What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin . . .

427. I found a copy of it in the copier tray.

428. So what do you want?

429. I want the same thing you want.

430. I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in.