The Office 5x9

Directed by Paul Feig

Ed Helms as Andy Bernard • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

Michael has to spend the office surplus by they end of the day, but he can't decide between a copier or new chairs. Dwight plays a dirty trick on Angela as they prepare for Andy and Angela's wedding on the beet farm.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Here are our final actual costs for this year.

2. Okay.

3. As you can see, we did pretty well, so...

4. Yes. Yes, I can see

5. that we did indeed.

6. Why don't you explain this to me like I am an eight-year-old?

7. All right, well, this is the overall budget for this fiscal year

8. along the X axis.

9. Yes. There's the X axis. Right there.

10. You can see clearly on this page that we have a surplus

11. of $4,300.

12. Okay.

13. But we have to spend that by the end of the day

14. or it will be deducted from next year's budget.

15. Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five?

16. Your mommy and daddy gave you $10

17. to open up a lemonade stand.

18. So you go out and you buy cups

19. and you buy lemons and you buy sugar.

20. And now you find out that it only cost you $9.

21. So you have an extra dollar. Yeah.

22. So you can give that dollar back to Mommy and Daddy.

23. But guess what? Next summer...

24. I'll be six.

25. And you ask them for money, they're going to give you $9,

26. 'cause that's what they think it costs to run the stand.

27. So what you want to do is spend that dollar on something now

28. so that your parents think that it costs $10

29. to run the lemonade stand.

30. So the dollar's a surplus? This is a surplus?

31. We have to spend that $4,300 by the end of the day

32. or it'll be deducted from next year's budget.

33. We should spend this money on a new copier, which we desperately need.

34. Okay. Break it down in terms of...

35. Okay, I think I'm getting you.

36. Guess what, everybody.

37. Christmas has come early this year.

38. Oscar, very smartly, has discovered

39. an extra $4,300 in the budget.

40. Thank you, Oscar.

41. And I have decided with that money

42. I am going to buy a new... Drum roll, please.

43. Can anybody guess? New chairs?

44. No! A new copier!

45. All right.

46. Unless everybody can agree on something better?

47. No, no, please. Please do not do this.

48. Yes. Michael, new chairs.

49. These chairs are terrible. We were supposed to get new ones last year.

50. So, we all agree to get new chairs, then. Good?

51. Good. Yeah, he said good. I'm good.

52. No, listen, we are a paper company.

53. How can we take pride in our jobs

54. if we have to put our fine paper in this wretched machine?

55. Oscar, no.

56. This is not the time for one of your principled stands.

57. Pam, you make more copies than anyone.

58. Exactly. That should tell you how terrible the chairs are.

59. Okay. Okay. Good suggestions.

60. All good suggestions. Let's just decide and agree upon one.

61. I'm with Pam. Chairs.

62. All right. So teams forming.

63. We should really have the office's air quality tested.

64. I mean, we have radon coming from below.

65. We have asbestos in the ceilings.

66. These are silent killers.

67. You are the silent killer.

68. Go back to the annex.

69. You'll see.

70. Michael. I've talked to Meredith... Yes.

71. Stanley and Jim about the chairs.

72. I know they're with me on this.

73. Actually I'm going to go with copier.

74. What? Jim.

75. Ever since Pam and I started dating,

76. I just feel a little weird asking her to make copies for me.

77. So I make my own copies.

78. And that copier sucks. Let me tell you.

79. But you know what?

80. Pam and I don't have to agree on everything.

81. Jim, good for you standing up to Pam like that.

82. The balls on you, man.

83. So Michael, what do you think?

84. Why me?

85. You have to make the decision.

86. Wow! Okay. Well, I swallowed all your ideas.

87. I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end.

88. Dwight, I'm a little concerned about some of these

89. directions to Schrute Farms.

90. Do tell.

91. I mean, like, "156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left."

92. "Walk until you hear the bee hive."

93. How could it be more clear?

94. They may not...

95. I think Andy makes an excellent point.

96. Okay.

97. But my biggest concern is

98. that there's only one bathroom.

99. We'll dig a trench.

100. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine.

101. Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench.

102. We're going to put out stumps. Come on.

103. Let's three-way this little issue

104. and come to a solution

105. by the time we get to Schrute Farms. How's that for a plan?

106. We're getting married at Schrute Farms, no matter what.

107. I have looked at 12 venues, I have lost eight deposits

108. and I've seen Angela naked zero times.

109. I am not losing another deposit.

110. Hey.

111. Hey.

112. So, I've been thinking about this whole

113. chairlcopier thing and... Mmm-hmm.

114. I really think you should reconsider.

115. Pam, I really hate that copier.

116. Yeah, I know.

117. Yeah.

118. But I really think you should reconsider.

119. Beesly, are you threatening me?

120. Jim!

121. Jim, Jim, Jim, I'm not threatening you.

122. I love you.

123. But you should know you're on very dangerous ground.

124. All right.

125. Okay.

126. This is where you'll have your receiving line.

127. Of course, we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such.

128. What's that smell?

129. You're going to need to be more specific.

130. Manure. Get rid of it.

131. Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.

132. Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day?

133. You want to eat, don't you?

134. Honey, say something!

135. Dwight, if we pay extra,

136. can you slaughter the entrees the day before?

137. I'll consider it.

138. See? That's how you do it.

139. We're making progress here.

140. Darn!

141. There's a hose out back. Okay.

142. Remember you were going to get a new chair and you were going to

143. give your old chair to me? Remember that? Yes.

144. Well, that never happened. Michael?

145. I don't know. I haven't decided yet.

146. I'm just going to grab some lunch.

147. Want to come with?

148. Really? Absolutely.

149. Yeah, that would be amazing.

150. Thank you. Are you guys going to lunch?

151. Yes. Mind if I join?

152. Oh, God!

153. All right. Let's go.

154. Yeah. Best lunch ever.

155. Let's do it. All right.

156. - Cool. - Where are we going?

157. I have no idea.

158. So I guess that's how they're going to play this.

159. It is on.

160. It is so on.

161. Look, I really need this new chair.

162. I mean seriously.

163. How is it possible that in five years,

164. I've had two engagement rings

165. and only one chair?

166. Stop...

167. Michael.

168. Michael, that is hilarious.

169. There was so much egg on my face!

170. The best.

171. Great food. Great friends. Thank you, Michael.

172. Thank you, guys.

173. I got you some tiramisu, so no hard feelings.

174. Yeah. That's cool.

175. Good stuff.

176. You look really pretty.

177. Thank you.

178. Yeah? Michael?

179. Yeah.

180. Hey, you got a second?

181. - I do. - Good.

182. That must have been so fun.

183. It was fun.

184. We had a good time.

185. Have I told you, you look really nice today?

186. Thank you. Yeah. Is that a new tie?

187. No. No. No, I got it at T.J. Maxx, $4.

188. That is amazing.

189. You think that's good, check out these pants.

190. $9. What?

191. $9. Boys' department. No.

192. Look at the ass. Check out the ass.

193. Look at that. No way.

194. Yeah!

195. So I guess Oscar and Jim were

196. talking your ear off about the new copier, huh?

197. Yes, they were. Yeah.

198. They were.

199. Here's what I was thinking.

200. Everyone sits on a chair every day.

201. But not everyone...

202. Sits on a copier.

203. Or even uses the copier every day.

204. Yeah. Yeah, right?

205. Very valid.

206. That's it. Okay.

207. All right, see you later. See you.

208. Hot-tie guy.

209. Well.

210. Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture?

211. No. I haven't thought of it.

212. Okay, cow, goat or sheep. It's not that hard.

213. I would like a cat.

214. Cats don't make butter.

215. I would like a cow-butter sculpture of a cat.

216. It doesn't make any sense. I am telling you! Yes, it does!

217. I want a butter sculpture of a cat!

218. Cow, goat or sheep.

219. What is this?

220. Right. We're all on the same team. Is it...

221. Why is that in the kitchen?

222. Close the DF cover.

223. I did, though.

224. You might want to consider changing teams because we would...

225. We would love to have you.

226. No, copier's great.

227. Is it?

228. Yeah. I have my copies.

229. There they are.

230. And I have my original. You got it.

231. So suck it. Okay.

232. Okay.

233. Michael, I got you a hot chocolate.

234. I hope that's okay.

235. Thank you, my dear.

236. Wait, Michael, let me open the door for you.

237. Well, chivalry is not dead after all.

238. There he is. There he is.

239. Hello, hello. Hello.

240. Good to see you. Good to see you.

241. Yeah. There's that ass.

242. Hey! Hey! Yeah!

243. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't take it away.

244. I almost choked.

245. Here's another place.

246. It's beautiful.

247. So, why don't we try this out to see what would happen?

248. Give it a little test drive. What do you say?

249. You pretend to be Angela's father,

250. you will play Angela and I will pretend to be you.

251. That way you can see what it looks like when you're up here.

252. Hello. I'm Angela Martin and...

253. I'm Andy.

254. I work with Dwight.

255. He doesn't understand a word you're saying.

256. What?

257. Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German.

258. Closed society.

259. So, now, after the readings by all of your sisters,

260. we will arrive at the vows. So, Conrad...

261. This is a little taste of the ceremony, if you will.

262. He's explaining why we're here,

263. what we're doing here, making introductions...

264. Then he's going to have Andy repeat a bunch of stuff.

265. He's going to ask Andy to produce a ring.

266. I have now just a...

267. Just some twine for our purposes.

268. And you will put the ring on her finger.

269. Then he's going to ask Andy if he would like to marry Angela,

270. and you will reply, "I do."

271. And he's going to ask Angela if she would like to marry Andy,

272. to which you will reply...

273. I do.

274. And there we go.

275. That's just about it. Man and wife.

276. Got a call about a problem up here.

277. Did somebody call Hank?

278. Hank, thank God you're here.

279. The office is at a crossroads.

280. So, there's no security problem?

281. You know, I hustled up the stairs.

282. Yes, I need your sage advice.

283. And everyone, whatever Hank decides, that is the decision.

284. That will resolve this issue.

285. Yeah, take as many as you want.

286. Thank you. Thank you.

287. You know, it's nice and warm up here.

288. Yes.

289. Well, what are we talking about?

290. Okay, well, we have a surplus.

291. Imagine that your parents give you money for a lemonade stand...

292. I know what a surplus is.

293. Okay. Good. Good.

294. Well, here's the thing.

295. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier,

296. other people are complaining about the chairs.

297. Is that the copier?

298. It is. Yes.

299. Hmm...

300. What? No, I was just thinking. Let me see a chair.

301. Okay. Here we go. You can try mine.

302. Hmm. Not much lumbar support.

303. Now, everyone bear in mind once again that whatever Hank says goes.

304. He is an impartial third party.

305. On the one hand, this copier is very old.

306. You should see some of the new copiers they have.

307. You would not believe what they do.

308. So the copier?

309. - Well, let me finish. - All right. Yes.

310. Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak.

311. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair.

312. Well, what should I do?

313. Let me see the copier again.

314. All right, get out. Get out. It's...

315. Dwight...

316. I thought I knew what I wanted.

317. And then being here with you

318. and the German Mennonite minister,

319. it just all felt right.

320. I made a mistake picking Andy.

321. I know you did.

322. And that's why I have taken care of everything.

323. What do you mean?

324. Well, monkey,

325. he's a real minister and you said "I do"

326. and I said "I do" and Andy wasn't signing a receipt.

327. He was signing our marriage certificate as a witness.

328. Dwight, that doesn't count!

329. Yes, of course it does.

330. No! It doesn't.

331. It does in the state of Pennsylvania.

332. Mrs. Schrute.

333. I didn't... We are not married!

334. What? Take this thing.

335. It's not my fault you don't understand German!

336. I've been telling you to take it for years!

337. Are we leaving or what?

338. Michael.

339. Hey, David.

340. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm eating tiramisu.

341. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat.

342. I'm stopping now.

343. Is this why you're calling me?

344. No, no, no, no, no. No.

345. I'm calling...

346. Sorry. Okay.

347. I'm calling because

348. we have a stupid budget surplus and people...

349. Everybody wants something different.

350. You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue?

351. No, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy.

352. Well, if I were you I would just return the surplus

353. and take the bonus.

354. The what now?

355. Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings.

356. Like a tip?

357. $645?

358. I hate disappointing just one person.

359. And I really hate disappointing everyone.

360. But I love Burlington Coat Factory.

361. You go in there with $645, you are literally a king.

362. Yeah, we have that going on Tuesday.

363. Okay?

364. Sure. No, I can... I'll double-check that for you.

365. All right, attention, everyone.

366. Let me call you right back. Okay.

367. I have made my decision.

368. We do not need a new copier, we do not need new chairs.

369. This copier is

370. Working perfectly.

371. That's the original.

372. Pam, would you stand up for a sec?

373. Hmmm.

374. See how relaxed I am? I like this chair.

375. Offers good support.

376. It is ergonomically correct.

377. It's a good chair.

378. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have.

379. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No.

380. They sit in big piles of garbage.

381. Do you think they have copiers?

382. They don't have copiers. They don't even...

383. They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out

384. perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it.

385. My point is this, I have seen the light in terms of what we need,

386. and it is nothing.

387. Do you know? Do I know what?

388. I think you know.

389. No.

390. Know what? Yeah, know what?

391. Does anyone happen to know what 15% of 4,300 is?

392. $645.

393. Michael's a genius. Right.

394. Why did you say "dollars"?

395. Because that is how my mind works.

396. What's 15% of 200?

397. Thank you. Everyone, Michael is returning the surplus

398. so he can keep 15% as a bonus.

399. Wait, what?

400. - You can do that? - Hey, Michael.

401. What's 394 times 5912?

402. Let's see. You're going to give yourself

403. a bonus of $645

404. instead of getting the entire office something it really needs?

405. I don't need $645.

406. I already have $645, more or less.

407. You're going to get us a copier then? This is stupid.

408. Or chairs. This is so, so stupid.

409. And, God, that's my phone.

410. I didn't hear a phone ring.

411. To be continued!

412. No, I don't... This doesn't change anything.

413. I have a very important decision to make.

414. We need a new copier, we need new chairs,

415. and I need to figure out a way to keep this money

416. without having everybody hate me.

417. Hey, Tuna, check it out. Tuna sandwich.

418. Just like you.

419. What?

420. Now, I have to take care of a legal issue.

421. Was that hot or what?

422. So what's it going to be?

423. Michael, you have to make a decision.

424. The day is almost done.

425. Let me just say you've been promising me this chair

426. since the day you hired me.

427. You are a smart guy. I know you'll do the right thing.

428. You think it's easy? It's your job.

429. Okay, you know what, why don't you guys deal with it?

430. I am going to get up and I'm going to be out in the common area

431. but you need to decide, otherwise I'm taking the bonus. All right?

432. It is a classic management tactic. You have two sides,

433. a deadline, you know that neither of them are going to concede,

434. what you do is you put them in a room and you just...

435. Hey. Hey!

436. Hey, we're going with the chairs.

437. What?

438. I just figured I'd rather have new chairs than nothing at all.

439. Thanks, Michael.

440. Good work. I'm proud of you.

441. Mother...

442. What have we learned this week?

443. Well, one, thanks to me,

444. my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions

445. than I thought they would be.

446. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you

447. absolutely have the money to pay for it.

448. And three, you should know

449. that some people think it's cool

450. to throw buckets of fake blood on you

451. as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory.

452. Truce?

453. Yeah, I guess, since I won.

454. You did win. You did win.

455. Anyway, I'm going to need three copies of each of these,

456. stapled and collated.

457. I'm totally kidding.

458. I'm going to need four.