The Office 5x8

Directed by Jason Reitman

Ed Helms as Andy Bernard • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

A mysterious person in the office has made a huge mess in the microwave and will not clean it up. Meanwhile, Michael has to come to terms with the fact that there have been certain personnel changes in his staff without his knowing.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Are you swallowing them whole?

2. You're eating them so fast,

3. are they even touching your tongue?

4. Yes.

5. Brownies, is it? Humph.

6. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat?

7. No, thank you. I'll stick with my jerky.

8. So why'd you come in here?

9. To socialize. And inform.

10. Ooh, brownies!

11. I'm taking two

12. So I can parcel them up

13. And eat them... at my leisure later on.

14. Much healthier.

15. You taking two?

16. Yeah, um... but one of them is for Toby.

17. Yeah. Why don't you send that to him in Costa Rica?

18. Um... I'm just gonna hand it to him right now.

19. Okay, weirdo.

20. Why's that? Why's that weird?

21. She said she was gonna give it to him right now.

22. She's probably going to

23. Because they sit next to each other.

24. Yeah, they used to.

25. Toby works here again.

26. Oh, can you imagine?

27. Oh, no! You don't know.

28. I don't know. What?

29. You should probably just meander back there,

30. Take a look, see if he's... See if he's back.

31. Dare I?

32. You know what? I'm going to.

33. For old time's sake.

34. Great practical joke, Jim.

35. Got me to go to the annex.

36. - Hi, Mi... - No! God!

37. No, God, please no!

38. No! No!

39. Nooo!

40. Look at him.

41. With his stupid face.

42. Stupid... tan.

43. - He looks great. Well-Rested. - No

44. He looks worse.

45. Michael, is everyone okay?

46. Ohh. Well, I'm afraid not.

47. Toby Flenderson of H.R. has made a sudden reappearance.

48. I don't understand. Is anyone hurt?

49. Not on the surface, no.

50. But I can tell...

51. People are disturbed, David.

52. Michael, you texted me 911... Call me.

53. - Yes. - All in caps.

54. Do you know what 911 means?

55. I learned a while back that if I don't text 911,

56. People will not return my calls.

57. Um... but now people always return my calls,

58. Because they think that something horrible has happened.

59. Now, what I'm curious about

60. Is how you were able to go an entire week

61. Without knowing a member of your staff was there

62. I did not want to go back to the annex

63. Because that is where Holly worked, whom I loved.

64. Also it's icky back there.

65. That's true. People say it's icky.

66. Okay.

67. I have to go.

68. - David, wait. - No.

69. Is there no way we can get rid of him?

70. Not without cause, Michael.

71. I have cause.

72. It is because I hate him.

73. You have to get along with Toby.

74. - No. - Yep.

75. I don't.

76. Good-Bye, Michael.

77. Don't do that.

78. Oh, come on!

79. Do you see this?

80. Disgusting.

81. So, Tunes, you still gonna buy your old man's place?

82. Yeah. I am. Wait.

83. How do you know that? I didn't tell you that.

84. Uh... no, I was just walking by your desk.

85. I saw some emails.

86. I got peepers of an eagle.

87. That's really not cool.

88. So Jim, you're gonna live in the same house

89. That you used to pee the bed in?

90. Yeah. I guess technically, Kev, you're right.

91. Today's a big day.

92. Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us.

93. Without telling her.

94. But it's my parents' house, the house I grew up in.

95. And, yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively.

96. I mean, the price was good,

97. And I was helping out my Mom.

98. It's got shag carpets.

99. I mean, you can't blame my parents... It was the '70s.

100. And why would you wanna buy ugly wood from trees

101. When you can have paneling and a painting of some creepy clowns

102. That is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building?

103. She's gonna love it.

104. Right?

105. Would you guys all do me a favor

106. And just not talk about this until I tell Pam?

107. - That'd be great. - Whoa!

108. You haven't told the missus about the castle?

109. You're in for a spanking, my friend.

110. Myself and my lady... No secrets.

111. Jim, don't listen to Andy.

112. I think it's romantic.

113. Oh, thanks, Phyllis.

114. Where's your place?

115. Oh, it's on Linden Ave., by the Quarry.

116. Oh...

117. Cool beans, man.

118. I live by the Quarry.

119. We should hang out by the Quarry and throw things down there.

120. Definitely, we should.

121. "To whoever made the microwave mess"

122. "The microwave is a shared kitchen appliance.

123. "By not cleaning it up,

124. "You are basically telling whoever follows

125. "That their time is less valuable,

126. "As they will have to scrub out your disgusting splatter.

127. Sincerely, disappointed."

128. That is just obnoxious.

129. - No kidding. - Yeah.

130. Wait, what? The mess or the note?

131. The note. So holier than thou.

132. I liked it.

133. Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?

134. No...

135. The note is way more obnoxious than the mess.

136. "Sincerely, disappointed."

137. Get off your high horse, richy.

138. Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich.

139. Nah. They're rich.

140. You wanna see some real high-Caliber acting?

141. Well, Mr. Kurt Russell, you are about to be served.

142. Hey, Toby.

143. Great to have you back, man.

144. Seriously. Just, uh...

145. Just a real pleasure to see you again.

146. Yeah, thanks, Michael.

147. You're welcome. Missed you.

148. Missed you as part of our family.

149. Well, that's... That's... Sweet.

150. I missed you guys too.

151. So Costa Ric that was...

152. Did you have fun? That must have been fun.

153. Well, um, it was amazing.

154. Really was. Thanks for asking.

155. - Um.. beaches were pristine. - Nice peaches?

156. - Pristine beaches? - Yeah, uh...

157. The whole thing was incredibly cathartic.

158. Why'd you come back? Why didn't you stay?

159. Well, it's actually kind of hard to meet people out there.

160. I bet. For you.

161. And, uh. Yeah. Plus, it was hot.

162. - Hot. - Why didn't you get an air conditioner?

163. Should have gotten an air conditioner for yourself.

164. Are you all right, Michael?

165. Yeah, I am. I am.

166. I tried. I tried.

167. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend,

168. But that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail.

169. I feel like I'm dyin' inside.

170. I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream II.

171. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy,

172. And then... the murder comes back

173. And starts killing off all of her friends.

174. Learned a lotta lessons from that movie.

175. This is just one of 'em.

176. Okay, just summarize.

177. Okay, Fire-Able offenses include workplace violence

178. And sexual harassment.

179. That's it. That's it, perfect.

180. We will get him to hit on somebody,

181. And then we'll catch him in the act.

182. I love catching people in the act.

183. That's why I always whip open doors.

184. Me too.

185. Okay, let's get this started.

186. Okay.

187. What are you doing?

188. I am the bait.

189. For what?

190. Men find me desirable.

191. No, no, no.

192. Oh, it's a good day too.

193. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.

194. You're the bait for Toby?

195. - Mm-Hmm. - No.

196. For one thing, he's not gay.

197. And if somebody were to be bait,

198. It would be Jim or Ryan,

199. Or me.

200. - Men find me desirable. - Yes.

201. Sure they do, Dwight.

202. When it comes down to it, it's a health issue.

203. I should've written that.

204. Mm-Hmm, yeah.

205. Why aren't you as mad or interested in this as me?

206. Oh, totally.

207. Sorry, are we talking about the microwave still?

208. Are you inching away from me?

209. No.

210. Reach your arms out.

211. I'm always this close.

212. Camptown lady sing this song doo-Dah doo-Dah

213. Hello, Pam.

214. Jim, may I have a moment with Pam, please?

215. Yes.

216. I just have to take this call anyway, so...

217. Oh, ooh, his mistress!

218. No, I'm kidding.

219. Nobody would ever cheat on you.

220. You are the complete package, Pam.

221. What do you need, Michael?

222. Okay, what I would like you to do

223. Is take this folded note,

224. And deliver it to Toby Flenderson.

225. I want you to just react to whatever this note elicits.

226. Do not read it beforehand.

227. Can you do that for me?

228. - Sure. - Good.

229. No, no, no, no, don't...

230. "Please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard I struggle.

231. I am too shy to tell you that I love you."

232. Damn it, Pam.

233. You gave me your word.

234. Hey, guys, that's really inappropriate.

235. What's up?

236. Um, I got some photos from, uh, Costa Rica

237. If you want to see them.

238. - Yeah, yeah, I'll see 'em. - Cool.

239. Toby, can I see those?

240. Wow. What's the matter?

241. What's the matter?

242. You... You scared?

243. - Those are fightin' words. - You mad?

244. You mad at me?

245. I hope he doesn't haul off and just hit ya.

246. Do you wanna do that? You wanna hit me?

247. You wanna punch me?

248. Hmm? Huh?

249. - Punch him, Toby. - I dare you to.

250. - Come on. - Come on, Bam!

251. What's the matter?

252. Hit him. Hit him, chicken.

253. Yeah, punch him.

254. Hey, hey, come on, Ryan.

255. - Whose side are you on? - Come on, man.

256. No, do it. Do it.

257. - I dare you. - Punch him as hard as you

258. - I dare you. Not.. - Possibly can, in the face.

259. Not as hard as you can. Just a good, solid punch.

260. Come on, come on.

261. I'm not going to punch you, Michael.

262. Are you really not going to punch him?

263. No, why would I punch you?

264. Son of a bitch.

265. Shoulda hit him, man.

266. Guy was asking for it.

267. Once in a lifetime, man.

268. I thought you were gonna parcel those out through the day.

269. Would you stop it?

270. You haven't done anything helpful all day.

271. There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired.

272. What's that?

273. Frame him for using drugs.

274. - Frame him? - Yeah.

275. It's illegal, but everything they do on the shield is illegal.

276. I've never framed a man before. Have you?

277. I've framed animals before.

278. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present.

279. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.

280. Just seems awfully mean.

281. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.

282. Hello.

283. I've seen you guys around.

284. I'm Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin.

285. How you doing?

286. So I guess you know why I'm here.

287. I need to purchase something.

288. Like a fridge?

289. No. Uh...

290. I wanted...

291. I wanted to buy some weed from someone.

292. - What? - Grass, weed?

293. What makes you think we'd have weed?

294. I heard you were drug...

295. I heard you dealt.

296. Hey, just hold on one second.

297. I'm not wearing a wire, so...

298. Why would you even say that?

299. Hey, it's gonna be $500.

300. - How much - $500.

301. It's a good price. It's a steal.

302. How many pounds is that?

303. It's... It's two pounds.

304. I'm losing money on this, man, just...

305. Give me the money

306. - Okay. All right. Walk away - Walk away. Walk away.

307. Hey, Pam?

308. I just wanted to let you know,

309. I'm totally on your side with a whole microwave situation.

310. Thank you.

311. I was just back there to make some cup of soup,

312. The thing is still a huge mess.

313. I know. Can you believe it?

314. Yeah, it's crazy.

315. But I guess the thing is at some point,

316. Notes or no notes,

317. Someone's gonna have to just get in there and clean it up.

318. I guess that's why we have a temp, huh?

319. Oh, no, trust me. I would just make it worse.

320. How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse?

321. I... I would find a way.

322. You've seen things clean before though, right?

323. I... Pam, I am hopeless to that stuff.

324. I... I, uh...

325. - Hi, Michael. - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

326. I forgot... Forgot...

327. Yes, I repeat:

328. A drug dealer is on the premises of Dunder Mifflin.

329. His name is Toby Flenderson,

330. And he recently turned from a mysterious vacation in Central America.

331. I have risked a great deal to tell you this information.

332. My name is Andy Bernard. Andrew Bernard, that's my name.

333. See you soon.

334. Hi. We received a call.

335. I don't know anything about that.

336. We were tipped off about a possible Narcotic situation.

337. - Here? - Hey, Pam...

338. Hey, I got this, okay?

339. Hello, officers.

340. Dwight Schrute, former volunteer sheriff's deputy.

341. Listen, I may have inside information

342. That someone is hiding drugs in this very office.

343. Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave.

344. Those are real cops. Real guns.

345. Wonder what's going on.

346. Officers, I reveal to you the perpetrator.

347. Hey, what is this?

348. Search his things.

349. Sir, could you step away from your desk, please?

350. - Why? - Sir, please step away from your desk.

351. Hey, what's going on?

352. You don't have my permission to do this.

353. They don't need your permission, Flenderson.

354. They've got the company's permission.

355. Hey, hey, what are you... Why are you doing this?

356. Uh, you know what? I think this...

357. This is probably a misunderstanding.

358. - Don't search my stuff. - Sir

359. I have a reasonable right to privacy.

360. Save your whining for the jury there, Flenderson.

361. - Yeah, let's just cancel this, okay? - Michael

362. Sir, did you recently return from a trip

363. - To Central America? - Oh, my god. There was...

364. - I went to Costa Rica for a few months. - Oh, no. That was legitimate.

365. - That was totally legitimate. - Hey, Check this out.

366. Oh, god!

367. That is not mine. I even...

368. Turn around please, would you?

369. - No, no, no, no, God. - What is going on here?

370. No, that's... I don't know what that is...

371. - do you have any weapons? - I bet he has nothing to do with that.

372. Of course not!

373. Ah. That's mine.

374. - No, Michael, No! - Yes, it's mine.

375. Some basil.

376. And salad dressing, I think.

377. Salad dressing?

378. Yeah, it's, uh, caprese salad.

379. There's a little bit of, uh, mozzarella right there.

380. Are you kidding me?

381. That's my salad.

382. So wait a minute. There's no drugs?

383. - No. - Oh, damn it. Come on!

384. We got a fake tip.

385. Wait, officers, are you sure you don't want to interrogate him?

386. - No. - You have laws that protect you

387. In any kind of interrogation.

388. Why don't you use them?

389. You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.

390. I didn't put caprese salad in my drawer, Michael.

391. Did you?

392. Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad anywhere?

393. You know, but the police could have been out there,

394. You know, catching real criminals, Instead of here,

395. - searching my stuff. - Are you kidding me?

396. Are you kidding me?

397. That you're worried about?

398. You're worried about the cops' time.

399. You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer?

400. Ah, god!

401. Welcome back, jerky jerk-Face.

402. You said you were leaving,

403. And you made liars out of all of us.

404. - I did leave. - So.. Yes, you did.

405. And then you came back.

406. Which makes you the biggest liar of history.

407. I don't see it that way.

408. You wanna hear a lie?

409. - What? - I think you're great.

410. You're my best friend.

411. - I can't do this. - Can't do what?

412. It's not fair to you.

413. And it's really not fair to me.

414. Wait, What are you saying?

415. I broke up with Darryl so I could be with you.

416. That was your choice. Don't put that on me.

417. I'm just going on a little trip.

418. Oh, can I come?

419. It's not that kind of trip.

420. I'm going to Thailand with some friends from high school.

421. Well, a high school.

422. And if I don't do it now, I'll never get to go.

423. And I'll always resent you for it.

424. You don't want me to resent you, do you?

425. So you're dumping me?

426. Let's be adults about this.

427. Let's have sex one more time,

428. And if you have any extra cash, that would be amazing.

429. Okay.

430. Hey, do you mind if we make a stop on the way home

431. - Sure. - Cool.

432. What are we doing at your parents' house?

433. I have a surprise for you.

434. All right. Ready?

435. Close your eyes.

436. And now...

437. Open your eyes. Ta-Da!

438. I don't get it.

439. I bought it.

440. It's ours.

441. Let's go inside. I'll show you inside.

442. So if you can believe it, I did it without a realtor.

443. So saving on closing costs is good.

444. And, uh, we can put all of the money to de-Shag the carpet.

445. Which I think will help

446. The color situation.

447. Yeah, I am really sorry about this.

448. I tried to move it,

449. But he is really nailed in there.

450. Worried about art theft, I guess.

451. A lot of art thieves in this neighborhood.

452. This is the master bedroom.

453. But I'm actually not allowed in here, so.

454. So I'm still in the process of converting the garage.

455. It's got great light in here.

456. And I was thinking it could be perfect

457. For an art studio.

458. Look, I know.

459. I bought this without asking you.

460. And it doesn't look great. I know that.

461. And if you really hate it, I totally understand.

462. - It's just... - I love it.

463. You do?

464. Yeah, I love it.

465. Really?

466. ? You bought me a house.

467. Oh, my God.

468. You bought me a house!

469. Yeah, I did.

470. Um, do we have to sleep in your parents' bedroom?

471. No.

472. No, We'll just board that up.

473. It'll be that weird spare room that people ask us about.

474. And the clown?

475. Yeah, I can't... Really can't move him.

476. What is my perfect crime?

477. I break into Tiffany's at midnight.

478. Do I go for the vault?

479. No, I go for the chandelier.

480. It's priceless.

481. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me.

482. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business.

483. She's Tiffany. I say no.

484. We make love all night.

485. In the morning, the cops come,

486. And I escape in one of their uniforms.

487. I tell her to meet me in Mexico,

488. But I go to Canada.

489. I don't trust her.

490. Besides, I like the cold.

491. 30 years later, I get a post card.

492. I have a son, and he's the chief of police.

493. This is where the story gets interesting.

494. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero.

495. She's been waiting for me all these years.

496. She's never taken another lover.

497. I don't care. I don't show up.

498. I go to Berlin.

499. That's where I stashed the Chandelier.