The Office 5x3

Directed by Greg Daniels

Ed Helms as Andy Bernard • Melora Hardin as Jan Levinson • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Michael practices for the birth of Jan's baby by having Dwight go over possible birthing scenarios. Meanwhile, Michael tells Holly that he will pretend to dislike her for Jan's benefit.

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1. Hey, Michael? Yeah?

2. Contractions are coming every 10 minutes.

3. Okay, just remember to keep breathing.

4. My cervix is ripening. Okay, good.

5. Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor,

6. and Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight.

7. Now this baby will be related to Michael through...

8. Delusion.

9. Michael! Yeah?

10. My water's breaking! Okay. Okay.

11. What do you do? What do you do?

12. I get a call from Jan, and I meet her at the hospital.

13. Right. Highways or surface roads?

14. I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.

15. No. Gibson is covered in potholes.

16. Your car breaks down. Adapt.

17. I checked the route. There are no potholes.

18. It's about adapting to the circumstances.

19. Andy, would you like to have my baby? Yes! Yeah.

20. No. Okay, no.

21. I'm crowning. I'm crowning! All right. Come on. Sorry.

22. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

23. - The pressure! - Do it!

24. The pressure! Scream. Scream it out! Scream it out!

25. Babies are one of my many areas of expertise.

26. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.

27. Just keep pushing. Hold me.

28. I'm right here. I'm right here. Cradle my head!

29. I'm right here. I'm screaming. I'm screaming!

30. I'm screaming! All right. Dwight.

31. Just push and breathe. Numb me up. I want anesthesia.

32. No, you can't have it. It's too late.

33. No, I don't want natural.

34. No, you have to just push it out. Okay.

35. Keep simulating. Okay.

36. Do you have the Sharpie? Keep simulating.

37. Do you have the Sharpie? Yes, I do.

38. Okay! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark

39. that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher could ever copy.

40. Okay. Yes. Ready?

41. Okay. Coming! Here we go!

42. God. Wow, what was on that?

43. Butter. Newborns are slippery.

44. Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again.

45. This is going to be the happiest day of my life.

46. Hello, ladies. How is my shower going?

47. Phyllis, did you get the live storks? No.

48. Damn it, Phyllis. I'm sorry.

49. Damn it, Phyllis, it was hard enough to convince Jan to come.

50. So are we set for refreshments?

51. Per your instructions we have the personalized M&M's

52. with the baby names. This is your boy bowl with the name Chevy.

53. That was me.

54. And this is the girl bowl with M&M's with the name Astird.

55. That can't be right. Michael wrote down "Astird."

56. She said it is the name of a Viking princess, so...

57. Astird. I know. I know.

58. It is beautiful. No, thank you. Is this it?

59. I mean, is this... Two bowls of M&M's and some balloons?

60. You know what, Phyllis? I think you need to step it up.

61. I think you need to get the lead out,

62. because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here.

63. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower.

64. Well, you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?

65. It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine.

66. I'm going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub.

67. Have you seen that video?

68. It is... It's so bizarre and unnatural,

69. but it happens.

70. Okay, I'm collecting for the baby shower.

71. But, Phyllis, it's not his baby.

72. I know, Kevin. Why do we have to pay money

73. to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm-bank baby?

74. Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.

75. I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee.

76. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine.

77. Hey. Hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them.

78. I'm sorry. Make the party.

79. Don't... Make the party, please, Phyllis.

80. Pump it!

81. So you know Stacy, right?

82. Right. The one from England.

83. There's no one from England, Jim. Katie studied in Ireland.

84. This is Stacy. The one who does the Murakami-style collages.

85. Right. That style.

86. So Stacy and Eric get to Foner's G-tech half an hour early

87. so they don't have to sit on the slab. Okay.

88. Anyway, Foner's TA Sarikaya comes in.

89. Wait, who's Sarikaya Komzin?

90. No, Sarikaya comes in. Don't interrupt. I have, like, 30 seconds to finish this

91. and get to Digi Crit. Okay. Okay.

92. So Sarikaya says to Eric, "No way, you can't reserve seats."

93. And then Stacy gets all up in her face,

94. and Sarikaya picks up Stacy's Mi-Teintes pad

95. and throws it at the light box.

96. No way. Yes!

97. That's hilarious. No, it was horrible.

98. Jim, she might get arrested. Who? Stacy?

99. No, Stacy is a boy.

100. This is so frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me?

101. Wait, I gotta go. Class is starting.

102. Okay, I'll... I'll talk to you later.

103. That was a good story.

104. Who's Sarikaya Komzin?

105. Yo, got the "Nard" puppy for you. What's going on here?

106. It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose.

107. Check it out.

108. Who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?

109. That's Phyllis.

110. Well... Yeah, it is.

111. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert.

112. Wait, why does that make me a pervert? I...

113. Well, it does. That's me.

114. That's not you. Yes, it is.

115. That's mean, come on. That's...

116. Ahoy, matey! Ahoy!

117. Ahoy. So, how are you doing? Good.

118. Listen, Jan Levinson is coming in today,

119. and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy.

120. A child of which I have a vested interest.

121. It's all kind of weird.

122. Anyway, she is incredibly fat and enormous right now,

123. extremely unattractive, and you are, on the other hand,

124. one of the more attractive people in the office,

125. so while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you,

126. and I am doing this

127. to pay respect to her bloated feelings.

128. And I'm treating Ryan the same way. Of course. Yeah.

129. I do not like pregnant women in my workspace.

130. They're always complaining.

131. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry.

132. Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too?

133. Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

134. Jan. - Hi, Jim.

135. What do we have here? This is my baby.

136. Really?

137. Oh, no.

138. Jan had the baby, and Michael wasn't there to mark it.

139. So the baby could be anybody's, except Michael's.

140. So this is Astird? Astrid.

141. Oh! Oh.

142. Okay. Why didn't you call me?

143. Well, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly...

144. I could have helped. and the birth instructor thought

145. it wasn't a good idea for you to be there...

146. You listened to that guy? so I just...

147. He had no sense of humor, and I proved him wrong in so many ways.

148. Michael, you don't have any idea what I've been through.

149. No, I don't. So, I just... I'm sorry.

150. I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet.

151. Can I hold her?

152. Yes. Yes, you can.

153. You know, I think just leave her in the car seat.

154. Just... Yeah.

155. Okay. All right.

156. Okay.

157. I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways.

158. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me.

159. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me,

160. and I think it's because they see me as one of them.

161. But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit.

162. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes. There would be no war.

163. There would be no government,

164. and things could get terrible.

165. It actually, probably...

166. It would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.

167. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time

168. in her life and in the office, As... Trid.

169. trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look.

170. This is your family. You're going to know them for the rest of your life.

171. Well... Well, he may not be here. Say hello.

172. Okay. Here we go. Lion King. Michael, Michael, Michael!

173. That's... That's too high. I'll take that.

174. Okay! Come on. Let's get our shower on.

175. Conference room. Choppity, chip, chop.

176. Are you okay? You seem kind of...

177. I'm fine, weirdo.

178. Such an HR weirdo. Try not to suck all the air out of there when you walk in.

179. Ready to play some games? Let's do it!

180. Michael, the baby's already been born.

181. Yeah, duh.

182. So we had games planned, but the baby ruins all of them.

183. No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, okay?

184. The baby multiplies the fun. Let's just do what you were going to do.

185. Okay. Who wants to guess when the baby will be born?

186. All right, how about some presents? I want to see some presents.

187. I got this so I can write down for thank you notes.

188. Thank you. That's very sweet, thank you. What do we got?

189. We all chipped in and got you this stroller.

190. Oh!

191. Thank you. She already has a stroller.

192. And this is way worse than the stroller she came with.

193. She's got an Orbit. That's a $1,200 stroller.

194. $1,200 for a stroller?

195. Okay, what else?

196. $1,200 is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter.

197. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible.

198. Being good isn't always easy No matter how hard I try

199. When he started sweet-talking to me

200. He'd come and tell me everything is all right

201. He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right

202. And can I get away again tonight

203. The only one...

204. Hey, you. - Hey, you busy?

205. Not even. I'm doing laundry for the first time in, like, a month.

206. Okay, okay. You got to hear this. So, Jars shower's going on right now,

207. And she's singing Son of a Preacher Man.

208. I can't hear anything. There's like...

209. Everyone's just staring at her like...

210. There's, like, machines going.

211. the song is about losing your virginity next to a church,

212. and guess what? She's been singing for the last 20 minutes.

213. I can't hear anything.

214. Okay, well, you know what, just call me later.

215. Okay.

216. I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton,

217. Jim and I would have days like this.

218. We're just a little out of sync. You know, that's all.

219. Oh!

220. Great, I... I washed my lipstick.

221. How well I remember The look that was in his eyes

222. Stealing kisses from me on the sly

223. Taking time to make time

224. Telling me that he's all mine

225. Learning from each other's knowing

226. Looking to see how much we've grown And the only...

227. Don't hit the fence! Oh, no, my child!

228. Don't get stuck on the barbed wire!

229. Playtime is over!

230. So, Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.

231. Well, actually I... I had a tub birth, and it was really, really quite amazing.

232. You gave birth in a tub?

233. Yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world.

234. You know, kind of like a big womb.

235. So you're in the tub with everything?

236. Yeah, the afterbirth floats. Yeah.

237. Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.

238. No, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.

239. After the birth, you get out... I'm done.

240. Me, too. and you deliver the afterbirth.

241. Hey, hey, no, no, no, no, no. No. No. This is the birth story.

242. It was beautiful. It was beautiful.

243. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience,

244. and I should have been there. I should have been there to witness this.

245. I could have helped. You're upset about this. I know that,

246. and I wish that I... But would it help if you held Astrid for just a little bit?

247. Yeah. Okay. All right.

248. I'm just going to lie down for a couple of minutes. I'm exhausted.

249. So, remind me to talk to you about Astrid's 529. Wake me in 20.

250. I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid

251. I just felt...

252. Shortchanged.

253. Phyllis?

254. Could you take... Sure.

255. Just for a second.

256. Okay.

257. Sweetheart.

258. Hey, guys. What's up, Mike?

259. I need some advice from one baby-daddy to another.

260. You a baby-daddy? Yeah, I a baby-daddy.

261. When you first became a baby-daddy,

262. did you have an immediate connection with that baby?

263. Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?

264. Hell, yeah. You know why?

265. 'Cause that was my baby.

266. I just thought as a baby-daddy...

267. You should stop calling yourself "baby-daddy."

268. Why, Darryl? Because I'm quote "white" quote, unquote?

269. Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby.

270. Well... You feel connected to his baby over there?

271. It's... That's different. You feel connected to this?

272. That's not a baby. You want to hold me, see how you feel?

273. Could I? No.

274. Oh.

275. I was just catching up on my sleep.

276. I can imagine.

277. Where's Astrid? I think she's on a sales call.

278. On a what? "Wah, more paper. Wah."

279. No, she's just on her coffee break. That's funny.

280. She's with Angela.

281. That's good. Now I need you to...

282. I need it to look up here. Get the baby to look...

283. Okay. up here. Ready?

284. Yeah. Look at my finger. Look. Look.

285. No. Come on, up here. Look up here.

286. Your hand's in it. What? Sorry.

287. What are you doing? Yeah, that was a good one.

288. What's going on? Excuse me.

289. We're taking a picture. Honey, there you are.

290. She's nature's bounty. You don't flash around a newborn baby.

291. Don't you know that? What?

292. Michael, I need your help. I was just going to...

293. I was going to talk to Holly about her hygiene.

294. She smells like old tomatoes and dirt.

295. Come on.

296. I like to call this the bumper test.

297. Sure you can't stay a little longer?

298. No, Michael, you know what,

299. I really have to go. Okay.

300. All right, everybody, they're leaving. Jan and Astrid are leaving.

301. You know what, where is the stroller that I came in with?

302. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk. Thanks, Dwight.

303. Okay. You know what, there is... There is one more thing that you can do for me.

304. Okay. Don't date Holly.

305. That's... I hate her.

306. Why? God, why would you even ask me to...

307. I mean, not that it matters, 'cause I don't, but... Okay. All right. Fine.

308. Thanks for the baby shower. It was great. And I'll... I'll see you soon.

309. All right. Okay.

310. You still going to be mean to me?

311. Want to go out?

312. Yes.

313. I didn't feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly.

314. Hey, it's Jim. Leave a message. Hi.

315. Hey, this is Pam. Leave a message. Hey. It's me. It is 5:03.

316. I figured I'd catch you walking to your car, but...

317. Guess you must be out or something. I'll leave a message.

318. Is it me or are we just a little off today?

319. I guess this is just one of those days.

320. It'll get better.

321. Hope you didn't have any major laundry issues.

322. I finished my laundry. Got all my socks.

323. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you.

324. Hey, do you remember that time that I helped you do your laundry

325. And that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you?

326. And then remember we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer-dryer?

327. And yet, here you are, back in a Laundromat.

328. You know, I'm just trying to help you, Beesly. Be safe.

329. You're probably upset that I'm even at a Laundromat right now,

330. but don't worry, I'm being safe, and I'm headed home.

331. I'm headed to my dorm. Not home.

332. Wish you were home.

333. Anyway... Anyway,

334. I miss you. I miss you.