The Office 5x23

Directed by Steve Carell

Ed Helms as Andy Bernard • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Michael's new company struggles to make early morning deliveries while the office tries to get their expense reports in on time after Angela enforces Dunder Mifflin's policy.

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1. It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are?

2. If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do.

3. They're going to be in this van, with me.

4. Who am I? Nothing to fear.

5. I am just a 44-year-old guy with a paper route.

6. Time to make the doughnuts!

7. Come on!

8. No, I promise I won't do it again.

9. Come on.

10. I lied!

11. We've been making 5:00 a.m. Deliveries for a couple weeks now.

12. Ever since I've gotten clean, there's something about fresh morning air

13. that just really makes me sick.

14. Hello! Time to make the doughnuts!

15. Oh, Halpert, wow! Boner patrol!

16. Arrest that man!

17. Your doughnuts make me go nuts!

18. Hey, Pam.

19. We got the van at a used car lot.

20. We think it says "Hallelujah Church of Scranton" in Korean.

21. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it.

22. You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael?

23. Milk and sugar.

24. Oh, awesome. You're a lifesaver.

25. Wait, is this just milk and sugar?

26. That's what I said.

27. Do you drink this every day?

28. Every morning.

29. We're... We're doing okay.

30. A couple weeks in, and we're having fun.

31. Yep, we have 20 of those...

32. Oh, excuse me! Sorry! Sorry, no, it's...

33. It's a paper company now.

34. It's not for the church.

35. Okay, who covers Vars Pet Grooming?

36. Oh, they're my client. No, they were your client.

37. They just called and said they were switching over

38. to Michael Scott Paper Company.

39. Shame, Jim. I expected more.

40. In the last month, we have lost 10 major clients to Michael Scott.

41. What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price.

42. I don't want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements.

43. This is unacceptable.

44. Hey, boss, I'd just like to point out

45. that I have been here less time than these guys.

46. Why are you telling me this?

47. I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie.

48. Is that something you really want to have said?

49. I don't want to have said that.

50. But I think it's important that you know it.

51. I don't know what to do to inspire these people, okay?

52. Maybe it's my fault. It's not your fault.

53. Some people just don't want to be inspired.

54. I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money.

55. But... Charles.

56. I got your memo. Thank you.

57. I want you to know, I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports.

58. Waste not, want not.

59. Well said, Angela.

60. Been there, done that.

61. You know what we need? We need some couches in here.

62. Michael, we should really consider getting a delivery guy.

63. Oh, know what you would love? Is if we built a loft.

64. Why would I love that?

65. Can we afford a delivery guy?

66. Like in a dorm room, you put your desk underneath,

67. you have your loft up top, you can sleep up top.

68. Yeah, I know what a loft is.

69. Most dorm rooms don't even have that.

70. Most do in the magazines.

71. Let's see what a delivery guy costs.

72. We should look into that.

73. Or we just go for the loft.

74. Hi.

75. Could you let Charles know that David is here, please?

76. Jim, hey. Hey, David.

77. David Wallace! Hello, we've been expecting you, David Wallace.

78. Charles and I were waiting for you.

79. There he is! There he is! How was the trip up?

80. A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure.

81. Oh, you know what? It hasn't been that bad.

82. Hasn't been that bad. These people are the salt of the Earth down here.

83. You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company.

84. I feel like I should be thanking you.

85. The conference room is ready, if we want to get started.

86. You know, I just want to address everyone first.

87. Oh, yeah, take your time. Stanley, pay attention.

88. Hi, everyone.

89. Hi.

90. Hi. Look, it's no secret...

91. Hi.

92. Hello. It is no secret that Michael Scott Paper

93. has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business,

94. and I'm here, I just want to reassure everyone

95. that we think this is just a temporary setback.

96. Right. Okay?

97. Maybe, and I don't know, if you'd just returned Michael's call,

98. none of us would have lost clients.

99. I've been wondering that myself lately.

100. We're just going to get started, we're going to figure this out.

101. Rest assured. Jim, can you come in with us, please?

102. Oh, Jim, hold on.

103. You know, David, Dwight's been my guy, okay?

104. Yeah, Jim...

105. Really? I find that extraordinarily surprising.

106. He shows promise.

107. And Jim, I don't... He's been a disappointment.

108. We'll bring them both in. Okay, great.

109. Dwight, come on in. Also, Jim.

110. Come along, afterthought.

111. How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy?

112. Well, if these numbers you gave me are correct...

113. They are correct, sir.

114. Then you can't afford to pay him anything.

115. Okay.

116. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss.

117. Your prices are too low.

118. Lowest in town.

119. Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match your prices?

120. Corporate greed?

121. Look, our pricing model is fine. I reviewed the numbers myself.

122. Over time, with enough volume, we become profitable.

123. Yeah, with a fixed-cost pricing model, that's correct...

124. Yeah.

125. But you need to use a variable-cost pricing model.

126. Okay, sure... Right. So...

127. Why don't you explain what that is, so they can...

128. Just explain what that is. Explain what you think that is.

129. Okay. Just explain it.

130. As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs.

131. For example, delivery man, health care, business expansion...

132. Whatever. Yeah, so...

133. At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you'll make.

134. Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.

135. They're actually putting you out of business.

136. Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on.

137. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again.

138. It's a program. There's no such thing as...

139. Just crunch them. Just crunch them, please.

140. Crunch.

141. Did it help?

142. Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott.

143. Well, this is slightly embarrassing.

144. I'm going to have to ask you to pay me a little bit more money

145. for that delivery we dropped off yesterday.

146. Yeah, we did. We got the check.

147. But we're just going to need a much, much bigger check.

148. When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree,

149. you don't blame the child. He didn't know any better.

150. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat

151. and said, "Drive, kid. I trust you."

152. Now, would corporate approve a temporary price reduction for returning customers?

153. God, no. That's stupid.

154. Yeah, it makes us look weak.

155. I agree. It just...

156. I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.

157. Really?

158. Does he do good work or...

159. No, Jim, I use a bad apiarist.

160. Fellows, why don't we take a five-minute break?

161. And then we will come back, start fresh, sort this out.

162. Five minutes exactly. Okay.

163. Hey, Dwight, can I talk to you? Sure thing.

164. Hey, I saw you called.

165. You're just out of business?

166. We have maybe a month.

167. I don't know what I'm going to do.

168. Oh, yeah, well, don't worry about it. We'll figure it out. We'll be okay.

169. That's what Michael said.

170. Oh, yeah, well, only this time we will be okay.

171. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.

172. That's my new Dwight ring. I like it.

173. Good, right? Hello?

174. Idiot, we're starting back up. This is Dwight, by the way.

175. Oh, okay.

176. Don't worry about it.

177. Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?

178. Steve Martin's not dead, Michael. I know.

179. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life.

180. And I was wrong. It's this.

181. You want to hear something sad?

182. I would love that.

183. So Jim and I are getting married, and the wedding's really expensive,

184. so I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money.

185. I applied to Old Navy, Target and Walmart.

186. None of them called me back.

187. Not even for an interview.

188. I never went to Thailand.

189. Really?

190. I went to Fort Lauderdale.

191. Was it nice?

192. Yeah, it was amazing.

193. There is a great pad Thai place, though.

194. I love pad Thai.

195. You never had pad Thai.

196. No.

197. There's a lot I haven't done.

198. Now, this is a projection of over three months.

199. We still have the retail... Well, that's assuming that...

200. Hey, let me float something out there, okay?

201. Can I just say... Can I say something?

202. There is a hive of bees outside the front door.

203. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones,

204. place them on a flushable wipe and put that in his bathroom.

205. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option

206. is to make Michael an offer.

207. Yes. Yes, I was going to say the same thing. We can buy him out.

208. - Oh, but you didn't. - Oh, man!

209. If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure.

210. What is wrong with you?

211. Jim, you're pretty close with them. You think they'd be up for hearing an offer?

212. Oh, I don't know. You know, they've taken a good deal of clients, so...

213. I mean, I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction.

214. You know what? Why don't I do it, okay?

215. Michael adores me. I'm the man for this job. Charles, you got my back on this?

216. No. Jim, I think you should go.

217. Okay. So I'll be back in... Back in a bit.

218. Hey. Can I talk to you guys for a second?

219. We're not hiring, Jim. Actually here for something else.

220. Listen, I can't make you laugh right now.

221. You know I love a good guessing game,

222. but why don't I just tell you what I'm here for?

223. Turns out you guys have made a pretty big dent in the Dunder Mifflin sales.

224. Oh, that's nice.

225. David Wallace has asked me to come down here,

226. and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out.

227. Seriously?

228. Are you being serious? He's bluffing, Pam.

229. Jim, what you don't understand is that this company's worth...

230. No.

231. We don't have...

232. See, I'm here to learn as little information as possible.

233. All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company

234. would be receptive to a buyout.

235. Yes. Yes.

236. Maybe. Three yeses.

237. I will see you titans of industry upstairs.

238. Yes, well, we are not only tight ends, we are also quarterbacks.

239. I missed the last part.

240. That's a pun. Got it.

241. Yep.

242. Oh, wow.

243. Okay, so you're not going to reveal in any way that we're broke?

244. Of course not.

245. That we're having any problems at all. Nope.

246. Right, just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything

247. that might indicate we are going broke.

248. Right, right, there is no way in hell that I am going to say that we're broke.

249. Oh, I'm really worried I'm going to say it.

250. No, Michael.

251. No, man.

252. You're... You're fine.

253. We have to come from a position of strength.

254. - Yeah, just put it out of your mind. - It is.

255. I'm good.

256. Hello. Hi.

257. Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace.

258. I believe we're expected.

259. Well, well, well, how the turntables...

260. Michael, in order to expedite these negotiations,

261. we are prepared to make you a very generous offer.

262. And we are prepared to reject that offer.

263. Michael, you haven't even heard...

264. Never accept their first offer.

265. What is your second offer?

266. $12,000.

267. Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low.

268. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was.

269. What do you hear?

270. Here's the situation. Your company is four weeks old.

271. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging.

272. I know you can't be making very much money.

273. I don't know how your prices are so low. But I know it can't keep up that way.

274. I'm sure you're scared, probably in debt.

275. That's the best offer you're going to get.

276. I'll see your situation, and I'll raise you a situation.

277. Your company is losing clients left and right.

278. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them

279. why your most profitable branch is bleeding.

280. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO.

281. So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin.

282. I think I just have to wait out you.

283. Okay, now, I don't know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval.

284. How's about $60,000?

285. $60,000.

286. Michael?

287. We're going to have to talk about this. Just amongst ourselves.

288. Okay, done. Please, take the room.

289. We're outside. Take your time.

290. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. $60,000?

291. We are so rich.

292. Are you kidding me?

293. Well, Jerry, the one who got away.

294. May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company?

295. Really?

296. Please hold.

297. Charles... Dwight.

298. May I have your attention?

299. The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke.

300. What? How'd you hear that?

301. They've been calling all their clients and begging them to pay more money.

302. That can only mean one thing. They're desperate.

303. Which can only mean one thing. They are total failures.

304. Great work, Dwight. Quiet, you.

305. No, I mean, great detective work,

306. 'cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked, right?

307. You don't "crack a case." That has a pejorative connotation.

308. It's like calling a policeman a cop.

309. You solve a case, and, yes, I've solved plenty.

310. So, how long can they stay viable?

311. What are your top five cases?

312. I'm going to answer Charles first.

313. Because he's solved zero cases.

314. Okay, one, Case of the Beet Bandit.

315. Missing beets from all over the farm, no footprints.

316. Inside job, Mose in socks. Boom, case closed.

317. Okay, do not go anywhere near the conference room.

318. Done.

319. Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today.

320. Got it? I'm not following you.

321. You two are morons.

322. Got it.

323. Get out.

324. So, you've thought it over, yes? And you accept our offer?

325. We can finally put this whole thing behind us?

326. No.

327. Can you give us another minute, please?

328. Yeah.

329. Okay.

330. Michael... How could you do this to me, Michael?

331. You just cost me $60,000.

332. Why are you assuming you'd get the whole thing?

333. It's a lot of money, okay? But we need money coming in every week.

334. We need jobs.

335. Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish?

336. I would rather have $60,000, honestly.

337. No, Michael's right. Jobs are safer.

338. Agreed?

339. Agreed. Yeah.

340. But that's all, okay?

341. Yeah, discuss these things...

342. Hello?

343. I want my old job back, I want my old parking space back,

344. I want a Sebring...

345. They don't make them anymore. I can...

346. And I want Charles gone.

347. I'm not firing Charles. He's very valuable.

348. That's very kind of you to say, David.

349. I need him gone.

350. No.

351. Okay, then I want Pam back.

352. You already have a new receptionist.

353. Sales.

354. Thank you.

355. Pam's not a salesperson.

356. Yes, she is, at the Michael Scott Paper Company in its heyday.

357. That's right. Okay.

358. Please continue. And Ryan.

359. Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael.

360. You know... Ryan...

361. David, I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family.

362. He is like a son to me.

363. Do you realize what you're asking for here?

364. You're talking about salary, plus health benefits...

365. And dental this time.

366. Insurance, taxes, social security for three people?

367. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand.

368. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buyout.

369. These are our demands.

370. Your company cannot be worth that much.

371. Our company is worth nothing.

372. That's the difference between you and I.

373. Business isn't about money to me, David.

374. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company,

375. and then another and another and another.

376. I have no shortage of company names.

377. Michael... That's one of them.

378. Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want.

379. Our balls are in your court.

380. Okay, deal.

381. Okay?

382. Can we have the room, please?

383. Yeah.

384. Can you believe it?

385. - Yes! Yes! Yes! - Oh, my God!

386. That's what I'm talking about!

387. There are certain defining moments in a person's life.

388. The day he's born, the day he grows hair, the day he starts a business,

389. and the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin.

390. What have I learned from all of this?

391. It is far too early to tell.

392. I just know that I am flying high, and I don't even want to think about it.

393. I just want to enjoy it.

394. Hey, guys... No. No, you're done.