The Office 5x22

1. Things are a little slow here.

2. And there's only so much cold-calling

3. you can do in a day.

4. Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs

5. you can throw at someone's face.

6. We're getting pretty good at it.

7. Andy put down a bunch of deposits

8. on stuff for his wedding with Angela,

9. but then she was sleeping with Dwight for...

10. Several years. Wait, no, that can't be right.

11. No, timeline's messy.

12. Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting

13. in the haunted graveyard of their love.

14. This is my solo.

15. I'm confused.

16. Am I walking down the aisle to You Can Call Me Al?

17. Trust me, you will not be walking, you will be boogying.

18. I am extremely interested, so how much will all of this cost?

19. Well, 12 guys, airfare, three nights in hotel,

20. food per Diem, table upfront for merch...

21. $9,000.

22. I don't know, it seems like a lot for an a cappella group

23. from a college we never went to.

24. Did you even hear the music I just played for you?

25. What's wrong with you?

26. These sleeves are cutting off my circulation.

27. There's not enough blood getting to my hands.

28. I think you look nice.

29. Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness?

30. It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence.

31. Looking good.

32. Okay, thank you.

33. It's a straightjacket! Okay.

34. When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire.

35. And the Wild West.

36. And war-torn Poland.

37. And Poland.

38. There was just a lot going on.

39. So what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries.

40. And in that chaos, I soared.

41. Hey. Hey.

42. Ed's Tires. He's thinking of making a change.

43. Is this good?

44. They have some great kitchen ideas.

45. Okay, Ed's Tires, huh?

46. It's small, I know.

47. I really appreciate it.

48. Thanks, Michael, we... What is this?

49. It's for your trouble.

50. I don't need $6 to help a friend.

51. No, no, listen, as a friend,

52. I want you to have it. You know I can't take this.

53. Yes, I do.

54. But don't forget, you owe me $10.

55. That was four years ago.

56. Why don't you let it go? Michael.

57. What was up with Pam being all pushy and negative in there?

58. I think she just didn't want a crucifix cake.

59. It scares me to see you going down a road that I went down.

60. Am I going down a road?

61. When I see her bossing you around like that,

62. it just makes me wonder if this thing really has the legs

63. to go the distance.

64. It's so scary how right the things you're saying are.

65. And you're coming at it with almost no knowledge,

66. so of course I trust your opinion on this.

67. I know a few things about love.

68. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

69. I was gonna use today to purge my inbox,

70. but now something much more pressing has come up.

71. Ed's Tires. Why don't you tell them that we have fewer clients,

72. so that we can spend more time with each of them?

73. Also, try to discuss it over Indian food,

74. and try to mention how you distrust women.

75. I'm not gonna do that.

76. That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?

77. I can get there.

78. Good. You take the lead on this one.

79. Also, do not forget that he has just gone through a messy divorce.

80. Awesome.

81. Bring it in. Morning cheer.

82. U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly. U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly.

83. You ugly! Your mama say you ugly, hey! You ugly! Your mama say you ugly, hey!

84. Go Michael Scott Paper Company! Go Michael Scott Paper Company!

85. I'm here. I'm part of this now.

86. You needed to speak to me?

87. Dwight, take a seat.

88. I prefer to stand. Less blood clots.

89. No, that's weird. You can just sit.

90. Great. You know, Dwight, it has been quite a transition for all of us.

91. Are you happy with the way things have been running lately?

92. Why do you ask? Do you mean

93. compared to the way things ran with other bosses?

94. Comparisons are hard.

95. I've just been impressed with your performance,

96. and I wanted to make sure good work doesn't go unnoticed.

97. Your concern is noted.

98. Yeah, I like your work ethic.

99. You're so focused.

100. Like a wolf, thank you.

101. I want to start giving you more responsibility.

102. What do you say you and I go out for a drink this week?

103. Really? Definitely.

104. It's firm.

105. I need you to get me the prices that you're charging Ed's Tires,

106. so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin.

107. I don't know that I can do that now.

108. You know, something's come up.

109. Oh, no, is it Mose?

110. Did you put the cover on that well?

111. No, Mose is fine. I roped it off.

112. It's not about Mose. Listen, things are changing here.

113. Michael, they're changing fast.

114. I'm not following you.

115. Imagine someone has a personal hero they really want to help.

116. But then there's this new guy.

117. Very cool, very Will Smith-esque,

118. who would not like it if he helped his hero.

119. Personal hero, cool new guy.

120. Okay, I think I'm getting your drift.

121. Good, so you see what I'm saying.

122. Crystal clear.

123. So is this for a movie that you're writing? No.

124. Can I use it?

125. No!

126. Dwight, are you talking about us?

127. It is possible that I could be talking about us.

128. Someone could say it is like the situation that we are in now.

129. It is the situation we're in now.

130. So I would say that the old boss

131. has always been good to Dwight,

132. and he was there first, so he has dibs.

133. You respect dibs, don't you?

134. I'm not a barbarian.

135. Good.

136. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot?

137. I will.

138. Dwight? Yes?

139. Is the cool new guy Charles?

140. I've said too much.

141. Is it Stanley?

142. Hey, Andy.

143. You know, I've been thinking about what you said...

144. Nice. I just don't know if I can do it.

145. That's interesting, because what I hear you saying

146. is that you do want to do it,

147. which means you can do it.

148. Believe me, I broke up with Angela,

149. and I'm, like, the happiest guy ever.

150. I mean, I'm so happy. I'm so happy!

151. Like, total freedom, you know?

152. It's just that Pam gets me through the day, you know?

153. I really rely on her.

154. I'm pretty emotionally needy.

155. And you know what?

156. I am here for you.

157. Let me be your traveling pants.

158. What'd you do that for?

159. You know what I was doing. Okay.

160. Totally.

161. Dwight? What's with the shirt?

162. Are you all right?

163. I'm sorry, Michael.

164. Hi, Michael. Oh, my God, run, run! It's a setup!

165. It's a setup! Dwight, run!

166. No, Michael. Michael, no.

167. Let's be cool, okay? You be cool!

168. Yes.

169. Just... What's going on?

170. We need to talk about our two companies and how we should behave.

171. Dwight tells me you've been pestering him for company info.

172. Dwight would not... He did.

173. I did, Michael. I was upset about the shirtsleeves at first,

174. but now I'm okay with it.

175. Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesman

176. and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?

177. I understand nothing.

178. Wow.

179. Wow. Michael, are you all right?

180. It was a setup.

181. Dwight told Charles. He told him.

182. Tell us what you're talking about.

183. Yeah.

184. It's like a girl says she'll make out with you,

185. but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon.

186. We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened.

187. I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, okay?

188. I don't know how they did it.

189. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel.

190. I don't know! Is that clear enough for you?

191. Hey, Jim.

192. I just totally blew a sales call.

193. Bro, I do that all the time.

194. Yeah, well, with you it's different, okay?

195. 'Cause I just...

196. I just suck. I just... I suck!

197. Tuna? Be nice to my friend Jim, okay?

198. Why?

199. When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back.

200. Well, so what? Your body's a 10.

201. Just forget it. Jim!

202. I said forget it!

203. Dwight Schrute.

204. Hello, traitor.

205. I think you have the wrong number, Michael.

206. I want you to listen to me, friend,

207. and I want you to listen to me good.

208. I am going to come at you, and I'm going to come at you hard.

209. I am going to steal all of your clients,

210. and then I am going to kill them in front of you.

211. Michael! Just getting hardcore with him.

212. Finally.

213. Yes. And hear me, Dwight,

214. when I say I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

215. Bill Cosby.

216. Mr. Schofield, please. - He's in a meeting.

217. Damn it!

218. Is Mr. Schofield there?

219. If you'd like to reach an outside line,

220. please dial 9 first. Shoot.

221. So, you think Michael's going after the whale, huh?

222. I have a long relationship with HarperCollins Publishers

223. and Mr. Schofield.

224. I'm not worried.

225. You sound worried.

226. And you have bad skin.

227. Look, everyone, we're all making observations!

228. Well, if you could do me a big favor and tell Mr. Schofield

229. that Michael Scott has tickets to the

230. Wilkes-Barre Penguins game this weekend,

231. and if he would like to join me...

232. Hello, Daniel, how are you? Uh-huh.

233. I sure do. Yes.

234. Wanted to ask, did Kathy ever make JV?

235. Look at that old dude and his Rolodex go.

236. I spent a month putting that Rolodex on his BlackBerry,

237. which he now uses as a nightlight.

238. Wow. High score?

239. And, no, I cannot lower my current prices.

240. Hold on.

241. Hello. Mr. Schofield, thank you so much for taking the time to talk.

242. I wanted to discuss your contract with us.

243. You're considering him.

244. I thought Michael Scott left the paper business after his nervous breakdown.

245. Michael has been talking to my biggest client.

246. Master and apprentice pitted against one another

247. for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market.

248. So it's not exactly like Highlander, but still.

249. Hello, Dwight. I've been expecting your call. What do you want?

250. I would like to arrange a truce.

251. So you heard Schofield is considering a switch, and you want mercy.

252. Meet me in our spot in four minutes.

253. No.

254. No, you think I'm going to fall for that? There's no...

255. Michael.

256. Meet... Okay.

257. Go to the spot and then walk 100 feet.

258. In which direction?

259. Toward the sun.

260. At what time?

261. Noon. You have two seconds.

262. Michael.

263. Sorry.

264. Dwight. Michael.

265. I hope you're not recording this conversation.

266. Good.

267. I cannot believe that you sided with Charles.

268. You were making me do things that were not all right.

269. So you just rat me out?

270. You could've said no.

271. And not come through for you?

272. If you want a truce, I will give you a truce.

273. I want a truce. I do, too.

274. Let me take you and your whole company out for lunch at Alfredo's.

275. Cooper's.

276. I had fish yesterday.

277. Damn it.

278. Dwight-a-licious. Where you at?

279. Hi, Michael. I'm so sorry I'm late.

280. I got stuck in traffic.

281. Really? That's weird. We didn't see any.

282. I hit a bear. What?

283. He's technically fine.

284. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo.

285. Hey, listen, will you do me a favor

286. and order the meatball parm for me,

287. with extra cheese? Yeah, sure.

288. Good. I will see you very soon, all right?

289. Okay. See you in a bit.

290. Dwight hit a bear. He'll be here in a sec.

291. Oh, my God, I think we've been robbed!

292. Yeah?

293. Did you enjoy your lunch?

294. Dwight, not now, we've been robbed.

295. No, Michael. You were sabotaged!

296. No, Dwight, we were robbed.

297. How would you even know? You're still stuck in traffic.

298. You? Me.

299. What about our truce?

300. I broke it.

301. On purpose? Yes.

302. Why?

303. You think this is some kind of game?

304. No, this is a war, and I will not stop, I will not rest.

305. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created.

306. You have unleashed a wolf!

307. Be that as it may,

308. I have your meatball parm sandwich here,

309. and I am going to eat it.

310. And I knew that you would do that.

311. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!

312. Bastard!

313. Hi, there. Dwight Schrute here.

314. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper

315. was meeting all of your paper needs,

316. and how is Brenda, age four, ponytail, and Simon, age seven?

317. You don't say.

318. Schrute comma Dwight.

319. And on the back he wrote, "Great salesman, better friend."

320. "Tall" and "Beets."

321. And say hello to Shari,

322. who is your black wife.

323. So you're begging for mercy, huh?

324. Well, you will find none here.

325. Dwight, do you mind if we talk?

326. Sure. That'd be fine.

327. If you keep coming after us, the Michael Scott Paper Company

328. cannot succeed.

329. This is war and that is what happens.

330. One more thing. I'm going to have you listen

331. while I steal your biggest client.

332. Oh, no. No, no, no, no!

333. Michael. Michael. Michael! I'm turning you down right now.

334. You can hear me, but I can't hear you.

335. Mr. Schofield's ready to see you now,

336. Mr. Scott.

337. Great, Mr. Schofield's ready to see me.

338. Thank you so much. Don't let him in, he's a traitor!

339. Walking in the door. Michael!

340. Michael. Good to see you.

341. Mr. Schofield, good to see you.

342. And I'm closing the door.

343. Now, when Dwight tells you

344. that he will keep prices steady for a year,

345. I think he is speaking out of turn.

346. Really? Yes.

347. He does not have the authority to say that.

348. I, on the other hand, am the president, the owner and the founder.

349. It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates.

350. Are you saying you invented paper?

351. Okay, okay.

352. God. Okay, Tuna.

353. Hey, guys. - Hey.

354. Hello.

355. Excuse me, can I have your attention, everyone?

356. Here's the deal, everybody.

357. Jim Halpert is very upset and disturbed.

358. I don't know if it was something you did,

359. something you said, a look you gave him.

360. Maybe it was nothing at all, but here's the deal, okay? It stops now!

361. I guess I could be nicer.

362. Andy, I think Jim is messing with you.

363. Really?

364. Okay. Yeah, okay.

365. What the heck is happening here?

366. Two things I need you to understand.

367. One, Pam and I are very happy together.

368. That's not what was...

369. And two,

370. that stuff that happened with you and Angela is a bummer.

371. And I know that you don't think

372. you're ever going to find someone else, but you will.

373. I promise you, you will.

374. Man, he got me so good.

375. I learned something about myself today.

376. Yeah.

377. I wish this was a sofa,

378. 'cause I feel like I could sit here and talk for hours.

379. What is that thing that Dwight always says?

380. "Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow..."

381. It's not the soil, it's the manure!

382. Paper is the manure!

383. On-time delivery is the soil!

384. Hello, Dwight.

385. Spin move!

386. April 13th, 2002.

387. Dwight! I'm in a meeting.

388. That's very rude.

389. I barge, because I care.

390. April 13th, 2002. That is the date

391. when you tried to switch paper providers

392. for an obscure sociology textbook, but were hung out to dry

393. when the price of glossy stock increased.

394. Maybe we should schedule a meeting on another day.

395. Hey, hey! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing!

396. You called Dunder Mifflin and your order was filled within an hour.

397. I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now.

398. April 13th, 2002.

399. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs.

400. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad,

401. and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin... Come on.

402. are going to fall by the wayside.

403. Two of their branches have closed within the last year.

404. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however,

405. has opened a new branch this very month.

406. What he's not telling you is that he will abandon you.

407. Why don't you guys just e-mail me your best offers,

408. and we can finish it up that way?

409. That sounds like a great idea. That sounds like a fantastic idea.

410. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins, box seats as usual!

411. Okay, sure! Good, good, good.

412. Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time.

413. Much appreciated.

414. And tell me,

415. how's your gay son?

416. Excuse me?

417. I color-code all my info.

418. I wrote "gay son" in green.

419. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it.

420. Orange means, "Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?"

421. Most colors mean, "Don't say it."

422. How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?

423. I wanted to start a company, not a war,

424. because, in a war, you always fight those you are closest to.

425. And the great tragedy of the Civil War

426. is that brother fought against brother.

427. For what? What purpose did that serve,

428. apart from abolishing slavery?

429. In that case, war was the right choice.

430. This doesn't feel as important, though.

431. That's just how the world works, I guess.

432. Michael Scott Paper Company.