The Office 5x21

Directed by Gene Stupnitsky • Lee Eisenberg

Ed Helms as Andy Bernard • Ellie Kemper as Erin Hannon • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Tension and disillusionment begin to emerge as Michael, Pam, and Ryan move the Michael Scott Paper Company into a cramped "workspace" at the business park.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It's Britney, bitch, and I am back

2. in the form of a new company,

3. the Michael Scott Paper Company.

4. Okay.

5. Not going to make this one.

6. Love the hair.

7. - Morning, Michael. - Hello.

8. They took away my parking space,

9. but they can't take away my pride.

10. I would like to invite you all to come along with me on a journey.

11. Welcome

12. to the Michael Scott Paper Company.

13. So, I thought we could take the customer list

14. and...

15. And we could...

16. You realize you're not actually talking to me, right?

17. And...

18. Hey, Kelly.

19. Yes, Charles, you wanted me.

20. Oh. No, I meant that Kelly.

21. The new receptionist is also named Kelly.

22. So Kelly Kapoor has decided to hover around my desk

23. so that she can run into Charles' office

24. every time he calls for Kelly.

25. She thinks that if she says "You wanted me" enough,

26. he will, in fact, want her.

27. It's not the worst plan she's ever had.

28. Oh, and Kelly...

29. Yes, Charles, yes, you wanted me.

30. Okay, I'm going to call you Kapoor,

31. okay, and you Hammond.

32. If we're changing names, can I be Erin? It's my middle name.

33. Erin? Okay, that's very pretty.

34. Thanks.

35. Well, you know what my middle name is?

36. Rajnigandha. And I hate it. I hate it!

37. I thought Rajnigandha was a boy's name.

38. We are in the heart of it.

39. And the surge of water carries our business out to the sea.

40. What should we do now?

41. We wait and hope that people show up to the pancake luncheon.

42. I don't know. I think I have done absolutely

43. everything you can do to prepare for the day.

44. I've updated our contacts,

45. I have gotten quotes from suppliers,

46. I have sent out an Evite

47. for our big grand opening pancake luncheon.

48. Six yeses, one maybe, only 11 nos.

49. And 788 not-yet-replieds,

50. but of that group, 782 have viewed it.

51. I'm going to need 800 of these

52. on nice bright paper.

53. It is a coupon for unparalleled customer service.

54. I make that one copy and I become the girl who makes copies.

55. And by the end of the day, I'm receptionist again.

56. And the worst part is I like making copies.

57. The paper comes out all warm and stuff.

58. And it's cold in there, because it's technically a closet.

59. What do you think?

60. Let me check.

61. No! Clearly a hunter,

62. who knows how to throw an outfit together. Thank you.

63. Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work.

64. Not long ago we were sexual competitors.

65. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him.

66. I studied him to figure out why I hated him so much.

67. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do.

68. You should come in town this weekend, man. Yeah.

69. We'll hang out Scranton-style. Hey.

70. You said you were going to be out of town this weekend.

71. Please don't listen to my phone calls.

72. Yeah, she's, like...

73. She'd probably be a six in New York, but she's like a seven here in Scranton.

74. And then the boss is my old boss from Dunder Mifflin.

75. It's a small space.

76. Hey, Jim, can I get a, um...

77. Hi. Hi.

78. I need a rundown of your clients. Can you get that to me?

79. Sure. Yeah?

80. Yeah. Okay.

81. What the hell is a rundown?

82. When did you need that rundown by?

83. Soon as possible. Okay.

84. Just get it right. Yeah, gotcha. Of course.

85. Really dive into the rundown.

86. I'll be exhausted, because it's like a triathlon.

87. Did you want to close this?

88. Keep it...

89. You know there's a ghost in this office.

90. Really? A woman was murdered on this very floor

91. in 1816.

92. Haddy McGonigal. She was a prostitute.

93. Why was she in this building?

94. This whole place used to be a brothel.

95. There was a tavern on the ground floor.

96. That's crazy. Yeah, isn't it?

97. She was bludgeoned to death by the business end of a riding crop.

98. Oh, my God. It was gruesome.

99. They say she walks these hallways.

100. If you ever feel a tapping on your shoulder,

101. that could be Haddy,

102. begging for her life.

103. And it could mean that you're next.

104. Just kidding. You finding everything okay?

105. Yeah. Just got some ice. Yeah.

106. Erin. Erin.

107. Oh. This is awkward.

108. Uh-oh.

109. Oh.

110. Oh!

111. So, I'll see you guys around.

112. Hey, buddy.

113. Hey, Ryan, could you get to that copy from before?

114. Pam's better at that stuff.

115. That is so insulting.

116. How is it insulting to say that you're good at something?

117. Because the thing you're saying I'm good at

118. is pushing a big green button a bunch of times.

119. I'm not judging it. It's like,

120. I could run GM, but I couldn't fix a car.

121. It's not saying that one's better than the other.

122. Seriously? Because it sounds like one of those is better than the other.

123. What the hell?

124. Listen, listen, listen!

125. I need somebody to make a copy of this,

126. because I don't make copies, I'm the boss.

127. Got it?

128. I make originals. Yeah, I make originals, too.

129. Shut up! Stop it, stop it! Bickering, stop it!

130. Really. Yeah.

131. Not much. What's up with you?

132. No, it's okay, I'm in the bathroom.

133. Hey, you been watching Damages this year? It's been so good.

134. No, you gotta tune in. It's as good as anything on HBO.

135. Hey, does blue go with tan?

136. Would somebody just make the copy?

137. Like a blue shirt. I don't wear a lot of colors.

138. I have a lot of tan.

139. Uh-huh.

140. Just make the copy, okay?

141. Seriously? This is what's so important.

142. Putting naked pictures on the desktop.

143. That's me and my friend Jasmine from Thailand.

144. I don't want to look at your friend Jasmine's boobs all day.

145. You could be hot, too, if you made any effort at all.

146. Like how? Dying my hair blond?

147. This is from the sun. Oh, yeah, I bet.

148. They're getting on my nerves, Mom. Both of them.

149. R thinks he's too good to be here

150. and P is not as much fun without Jim.

151. Michael, we can hear you.

152. I'm on the phone, please.

153. Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back. P's being a giant B.

154. Okay, it's my turn.

155. No, don't take that, give that back.

156. Go make the copies. Give it back for what?

157. What are you going to do with it?

158. You're gonna make another spreadsheet.

159. Yeah, exactly, it's my turn, come on! Go make the copies, secretary.

160. Ryan! They always say that it is a mistake

161. to hire your friends and they are right.

162. So, I hired my best friends.

163. And this is what I get?

164. Hey, buddy. What are you up to?

165. Hmm. Nothing.

166. Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier,

167. I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed,

168. and I'm assuming a little bit of blood rushed into your penis.

169. Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?

170. The last thing I want to do is step on your funk, man.

171. And I yours, so I will cede her to you.

172. No, that's ridiculous. No, no, no.

173. Look, you've been here longer and, besides,

174. I'm a better wingman than I am a boyfriend,

175. so... But I just want you and I to hang out.

176. You know, just...

177. Boom.

178. Listen up.

179. It has come to my attention

180. that some people in this office

181. are not getting along with other people in this office.

182. And I think I have come up with the reason why.

183. This office space is too small.

184. Definitely. Okay.

185. There are four corners in this room.

186. Each corner is to be a personal space for each one of you.

187. Whichever corner you want, and make it your own.

188. We could work from home.

189. Or you could fire one of us.

190. Whoever has less education.

191. Okay, guys, thank you for the offers,

192. but I want you to get pumped about this corner idea.

193. All right, one, two, three, what are we going to do?

194. Corner idea. No, you're supposed to say,

195. "Rock the house." Rock the house.

196. How would we know that?

197. Hey, dude, do you know what a rundown is?

198. Use it in a sentence.

199. Uh...

200. Can you get this rundown for me?

201. Try another sentence.

202. This rundown better be really good.

203. I don't know, but it sounds like the rundown is really important.

204. Charles asked me to do this rundown of all my clients.

205. Why don't you just ask him what it...

206. No, I can't, that was like hours ago.

207. What have you been doing?

208. Try another sentence.

209. Last night was crazy.

210. Jojo? Yeah.

211. He did a doughnut in the parking lot in front of a cop.

212. Then he yells, "Hey, cop, you like doughnuts?"

213. And we drive off.

214. No, he just stayed there.

215. I want that new phone.

216. No, the other one.

217. No, the other one. No, you know which one I'm talking about.

218. It's the one...

219. No, the one with the awesome browser.

220. No, not that one.

221. That's my corner.

222. I thought that was your corner.

223. No, this is where I work.

224. I can't relax in the same corner where I work.

225. So my corner's the one with the copier?

226. Pam, I don't make the rules.

227. I wish my iPod could make phone calls.

228. No, I don't want an iPhone. I know what an iPhone is.

229. You started on that rundown yet?

230. Oh, this is just something I'm taking a break with. Oh.

231. I will get back to the rundown right now.

232. Okay, great. Hey, you know what?

233. Do you have a rundown that I could take a look at,

234. just so I know what type of rundown you're looking for?

235. Just keep it simple. Keeping it simple, that's what I'm doing.

236. But I am working hard on this one.

237. Real hard, so... You're working hard? On this?

238. No, not too hard, not harder than I should.

239. Right, I mean, why work harder than you should?

240. No, I...

241. Can I help you? No, thanks.

242. Hey. Hey, I'm here to see Charles.

243. Okay.

244. Hey, Charles. Hey, Pam.

245. I know you're a very busy man, so I'll cut right to the chase.

246. Okay. I'd like my old job back.

247. I don't know what to tell you. The job's been taken.

248. Well, I could come back as a salesman. I have experience now.

249. Or I could come back as your personal assistant.

250. You know, sort your mail, set your appointments.

251. I know all the people. Yeah, no.

252. Personal shopper?

253. No.

254. Well, it was great catching up with you,

255. and I'll see you around the building.

256. Okay.

257. I'm just going to sit here for a little bit longer if that's okay.

258. The air smells so good.

259. I don't remember it smelling so good.

260. Chairs are so comfortable.

261. Oh, hey, Stanley, Phyllis, come on in.

262. Welcome, welcome. Let me give you the tour.

263. I get it. You need to see more?

264. It's really cute.

265. Thank you. Do you remember Ryan?

266. And Pam, around here somewhere.

267. She's upstairs talking to Charles.

268. What for? I don't know.

269. Are we staying until 5:00?

270. Yes.

271. Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake.

272. I should leave. I should go

273. and start my own paper company. That'll show them.

274. Get your free pancakes.

275. They are delicious. They are nutritious.

276. They are complimentary.

277. Young sir, would you like a free pancake?

278. I'm texting. I don't want to get my hands sticky.

279. Ryan, enough with the texting machine. Come on.

280. Tuck in your shirt. You're the face of this company.

281. Hey, Pam. Hey.

282. You sort of disappeared there for a while. Where you been?

283. Yeah, I needed to take care of some stuff. Yeah?

284. That's as specific as I'd like to be.

285. Well, at least you're still being honest with me.

286. There's the rundown you asked for.

287. I may have expanded some areas that you weren't prepared for...

288. Great, fax that to everyone on the distribution list.

289. Uh, sure.

290. Do you want to look at it first? Do I need to?

291. No. No, I just...

292. Wanted to make sure we have the same format.

293. So that distribution list is going to be my...

294. What's that? The one I have. I'll use the one I have.

295. Just faxing my dad a rundown.

296. We're small, but we're eager to make a name for ourselves.

297. Do you have a card?

298. No, I don't have a card, but I'll do you one better.

299. A little scrap of paper.

300. These are terrible, boss.

301. You got to make them in a circle, so that they cook evenly.

302. They're shaped like paper.

303. Well, I don't even want these.

304. I'll take them for my kid.

305. Country roads, take me home

306. To the place...

307. Sorry, I like that song. You're good.

308. You're good. Thank you.

309. That was great, but it's just sort of...

310. It's still a little choppy, like... But don't worry, it's hard, I mean,

311. it took me a while, too. It's like...

312. Wow.

313. What?

314. Oh, my God, you heard that? I'm so embarrassed.

315. I'm so, like, rusty. It's good, you're really coming along.

316. It's really technically proficient,

317. but, you know, there's really no heart or soul in it.

318. Really?

319. Hey, do you want to sing it with me?

320. Almost heaven

321. West Virginia West Virginia

322. Blue Ridge Mountains Shenandoah River

323. In German!

324. Take me home, country roads Take me home, country roads

325. To the place I belong To the place I belong

326. West Virginia, mountain momma West Virginia, mountain momma

327. Take me home, country roads Take me home, country roads

328. Take it, Andy!

329. Take me home to the place

330. You have to stop.

331. I once had a dream

332. that I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich,

333. and let me tell you something, it was delicious.

334. So, the next day, I decided to make that sandwich.

335. And in real life it is disgusting.

336. It is a disgusting sandwich.

337. And the reason I tell you this story...

338. Pick up the phone. Just...

339. Dunder... Michael Scott Paper Company, this is Pam.

340. Oh. Hi, Russell from the pancake luncheon, how are you?

341. Well, we'd like to do business with you, too.

342. How can I make that happen?

343. Keep going. Tell him we have free delivery.

344. We already offer free delivery.

345. They don't know that.

346. I can offer you free delivery on any order that you place today.

347. God.

348. Okay, 20 boxes, I can do... Just a second.

349. I can do 20 boxes at $43 a box.

350. Great.

351. Write it down.

352. Give him a guarantee.

353. A guarantee of what? Just say the word.

354. And I guarantee that you will be satisfied,

355. because your satisfaction is our guarantee.

356. We guarantee it.

357. We look forward to doing business with you, too.

358. Thank you, Russell.

359. Yes! I made a sale!

360. You did! Oh, yeah! Oh, my God.

361. We did it! She did it! Yeah!

362. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

363. Who would have thought that the thing that

364. would save this company would be work?

365. And pancakes.

366. In the end, this day definitely had its ups and downs.

367. I realize that we don't have the biggest office,

368. which is a surprise, because 165 square feet sounds like a lot.

369. But we have people with the biggest hearts,

370. and I think for a small company,

371. that is really...

372. Someone went to the bathroom.

373. That is really what's important.

374. Literally every song is better a cappella. Name a song.

375. Cherry Pie, Warrant. Better a cappella.

376. No, really? Yeah, name another.

377. Enter Sandman, Metallica. Better a cappella.

378. Rebel Yell, Billy Idol.

379. Way better a cappella.