The Office 5x20

Directed by Paul Feig

Ed Helms as Andy Bernard • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

The situation between Jim and his new boss Charles gets worse when they are competing in a parking lot soccer game. Michael tries to start his new business, but has trouble leaving his house.

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1. You gonna answer that, Kev?

2. Oh, right. Thanks.

3. Dunder Mifflin. This is Kevin.

4. Please hold while I transfer you.

5. Oscar! Your mom!

6. Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while.

7. How do I say this diplomatically?

8. I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected

9. someone like him to perform in a position like that.

10. Please hold.

11. Andy! Phone call!

12. No, stay there.

13. Kev, I thought we nailed the whole transfer thing earlier.

14. Yeah, I wrote it on my hand, but then I washed it.

15. It is "transfer,"extension," and then "transfer" again.

16. Okay. Andy, get ready.

17. - Transfer... - Here we go.

18. extension, transfer.

19. Ah!

20. Oh, man!

21. It is 134!

22. Kev! Kev, come on!

23. Hustle! Hold on!

24. You are murdering the Nard-Dog!

25. This is Kevin. Please hold, and I will transfer you.

26. You're bad at this, too!

27. Don't answer that call!

28. Just transfer the damn call.

29. Your call is very important to us.

30. Okay, way to go.

31. My maid died.

32. Today is my first day at my new job at Michael Scott Paper Company, Inc.

33. You know, Apple Computer started in a garage.

34. And we're starting in a condo.

35. So we already have a leg up on Apple.

36. Look, it's official.

37. Oh, good, my hooker's here.

38. I'm kidding! Hi!

39. Michael, you were expecting me, right?

40. Yes, I was. Yes, I was.

41. Are you wearing anything under the robe?

42. That is inappropriate, Pam. Come on in.

43. This looks great, Michael.

44. Thank you.

45. Would you like some French toast?

46. Yes, please.

47. What shape?

48. Square is fine. All right.

49. I just wanted to fill you in on a few details.

50. As you know, I will be running the branch

51. while we search for Michael's replacement,

52. so please feel free to come to me

53. with any questions or concerns.

54. Yeah.

55. Where will you be staying while you're in Scranton?

56. Staying? In a hotel.

57. Charles, where were you born?

58. Actually, I meant questions more about the day-to-day operations of the company.

59. Okay? Yeah.

60. How are operations of the company, just day-to-day?

61. Okay, let's go over non-discretionary cuts, okay, guys?

62. Thank you. So...

63. Can you please stop that? What?

64. You're breathing very heavily.

65. This is how I breathe. No, it's not...

66. Okay, Jim Halpert, I need your eyes up front.

67. Oh, no, I was just... No, hey, hey, I just want to hear "yes."

68. Yes.

69. Good.

70. As I was saying...

71. Oh, no! The new boss does not find Jim adorable!

72. Oh.

73. So, what do you say we get started?

74. After breakfast. I'm full.

75. So, how are you feeling about the new company?

76. I feel good. Wow.

77. Are you excited about the new company?

78. Yeah, I'm excited to start the company.

79. After breakfast.

80. We did that, so what's next?

81. Michael, just stop for a second. Michael, stop for a second.

82. No, I'm whipping up... No, I know you are.

83. Just let me have... Let go, please.

84. Just give me... Fine!

85. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

86. I can't do this.

87. This is pathetic, isn't it?

88. I am such an idiot.

89. I gave up the only job I ever loved to do this?

90. I have egg in my Crocs.

91. I never see him drink. I never see him eat.

92. I don't think he even uses the bathroom.

93. Oh, he does. He does.

94. I feel weak today.

95. I felt much stronger yesterday.

96. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.

97. You know, Michael, when I feel overwhelmed...

98. I'm not overwhelmed, Pam.

99. I know. No, I'm saying that when I feel overwhelmed,

100. something I like to do is make a list.

101. Make a list of things to do,

102. and then start with the easy stuff.

103. Whatever calms you down.

104. Okay, first, work out.

105. And hey, look, you did that.

106. Check.

107. Eat an enormous breakfast.

108. Check. Don't patronize me, Pam.

109. I think you should get dressed.

110. I'm not getting dressed.

111. I'm not getting dressed. I have too many things to do before I get dressed.

112. I need to find 100 clients.

113. Michael, that seems impossible.

114. It's totally impossible.

115. We need to come up with one realistic thing that we could do today.

116. Assemble a sales team. A dream team.

117. Great.

118. Okay, Ryan.

119. No. What? Why?

120. He's everything I'm not, and everything I am.

121. He's the whole package.

122. No, we're not gonna hire Ryan.

123. Um... Oh, Vikram! Best salesman I've ever met.

124. Okay. He worked at that telemarketing place.

125. We'll find him. Okay.

126. Oh, also, we have a meeting this afternoon with a potential investor.

127. Really? Yeah.

128. We have an investor already? Maybe.

129. Barbara Keavis. She invests in local businesses

130. and I'm putting together a little presentation for her.

131. Michael, that's fantastic.

132. Yeah, I guess it's not so bad.

133. Got a few things cooking.

134. Um...

135. Hey! We need to get you dressed.

136. I have doubts about this, too,

137. but when one person freaks out,

138. sometimes it weirdly makes the other one calmer.

139. That's one thing I've learned about relationships.

140. I hate that I just used the word "relationship."

141. Hey! You look great!

142. Let's go. All right.

143. Oh.

144. You a soccer fan?

145. Oh, yeah, I'm so embarrassed.

146. You weren't supposed to see this. This is like my secret obsession.

147. Yeah, well, that makes two of us.

148. No way! Yeah.

149. I hate soccer.

150. But guess who doesn't hate soccer.

151. Charles Miner.

152. I was actually in Germany for the 2006 World Cup finals.

153. You bastard! That should have been me!

154. Yeah, I love the sport. I love the sport. All right, man.

155. Cool!

156. I've never been a kiss-up.

157. I... It's just not how I operate.

158. I mean, I've always subscribed to the idea

159. that if you really want to impress your boss,

160. you go in there, and you do mediocre work, half-heartedly.

161. Next on the list, open the mail.

162. Oh, wow, "Michael Scott Paper Company."

163. Okay.

164. Very official.

165. "Dear Mr. Scott, please be advised that it is in violation

166. "of your condominium agreement to conduct

167. "a business headquartered in your residence.

168. "The penalty, a forfeiture of residence..."

169. No, okay, it's fine, it's fine.

170. We're just gonna add, "Find office."

171. How are we gonna find an office?

172. How can we pay for an office?

173. Next on the list, "song parodies."

174. Okay, okay, Achy Breaky Fart.

175. Great, let's sing it in the car.

176. No, no, no, no, My Stumps.

177. Like My Humps, but with a guy with no legs.

178. Yeah. We can do this.

179. We can do this.

180. Whoa, and he just goes, boom, goal! Yeah, that's... That's Pele.

181. You know your soccer, man. I do.

182. I prefer Maradona. Diego Maradona.

183. Oh, yeah? From Argentina.

184. I didn't know we had so many soccer fans in the office.

185. I mean, to be fair, I was the first one to talk about it, but...

186. Yeah, what about you, Jim? You a fan of the game?

187. Oh, no. No, not really.

188. Well, it's not for everybody, I suppose.

189. That's 'cause I'm more of a player.

190. Oh, yeah? You bet.

191. Really, Jim?

192. I had no idea you played soccer.

193. 'Cause you never, ever talk about it.

194. Well, I do. I play. - Wow!

195. You can be so modest sometimes.

196. Maybe we should get back to work.

197. Maybe you and Charles should kick the soccer ball around.

198. Maybe we will someday.

199. Maybe you will tonight after work. What do you say?

200. It's a great idea, Dwight.

201. Great ideas are just part of what I bring to the table.

202. I don't try and be anything that I'm not.

203. What do you say, Jim? Huh, want to play some soccer?

204. Hey, anybody else?

205. I'm into that. Sounds fun.

206. Game on! Okay.

207. See you on the field, Jim-bro. See...

208. I can't wait!

209. Yep, I used to play soccer in school.

210. From second to fourth grade.

211. I was on the orange team.

212. We got Vikram! You got me.

213. Where are we going?

214. We have a meeting with an investor today.

215. Yes, we do, so get excited.

216. But I have to go to the bathroom real quick.

217. If you'll excuse me, I'll be right back.

218. He seems really confident. He can be.

219. Confidence...

220. It's the food of the wise man, but the liquor of the fool.

221. Hmm.

222. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, Vikram.

223. Hey, I would like a pair of Size 9, please.

224. It's Michael. I'm swamped, Michael.

225. Happy birthday to Sally in Lane 27.

226. Okay, imagine a company that has no memory of your past misconduct,

227. because they have no files.

228. He's taking a long time.

229. Is it possible he's bowling?

230. I mean, you know him better than I do.

231. Yes. Yes, it's possible.

232. Well, he's always been a lifelong friend... Michael!

233. What's going on?

234. I'm... Hey, Ryan.

235. Excuse me. Yes?

236. This wasn't on the list.

237. Yes, it is. No.

238. Yes. It's not.

239. It is.

240. When did you add this to the list?

241. Pam, everyone deserves a second, second chance.

242. Ryan, just out of curiosity, how much do you get paid here?

243. $60,000 a year.

244. You get paid by the year at the bowling alley?

245. What do you make, secretary?

246. Back to work, shoe bitch!

247. I told you guys, I'm really busy here, so...

248. Would you like to come to work for the Michael Scott Paper Company?

249. What size shoes are you guys? Uh, nine.

250. What are those? A men's 10?

251. No.

252. - Look what he's doing. - What is he doing?

253. He's stealing them. Okay, okay. Oh, my God.

254. He's already paying for himself. Sorry!

255. Where is it? Right here.

256. Hey, come on, guys. These are prime selling hours, you know.

257. Miner... - Oh, there he goes.

258. sees his partner. Yikes.

259. Halpert, he looks up. Oh, man!

260. The famed duo! He sets him up!

261. He sets him up! All right.

262. Yeah!

263. Goal!

264. I can't wait to play with you.

265. Oh, it's gonna be the worst.

266. Do you guys wanna hear about Thailand?

267. Oh, yeah. Sure.

268. It was indescribable.

269. Sounds awesome. Neat.

270. What sort of investing firm is this?

271. Vikram, you ask a lot of questions, and I like that.

272. Hey, Nana! Hi!

273. Michael!

274. People turn to their families all the time

275. when they need help starting out.

276. And if my nana's investment club can help

277. the Michael Scott Paper Company

278. become a reality, then I'm sure that's what she would have wanted.

279. Does want.

280. Well, I'm sure that you must all have very, very busy schedules,

281. so I appreciate you meeting with us here today.

282. What this is, is a business that I have worked toward my entire life.

283. Hey!

284. I have assembled what I believe to be

285. the most exciting, sought-after talent in the industry today.

286. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the dream team.

287. From our very own Scranton, Pennsylvania, Pam Beesly.

288. Pretty Pam is always reaching for the stars

289. and someday, she may just surprise us all and grab one.

290. Meet Vikram.

291. From his humble beginnings as a... Stay standing.

292. From his humble beginnings as a prominent surgeon,

293. he risked it all to become the most successful telemarketer

294. in the lipophedrine industry.

295. And do not call it a comeback.

296. The youngest vice president in the history of Dunder Mifflin,

297. and recent bowling alley employee, Ryan Howard,

298. is about to make a splash in paper.

299. So let's hear it.

300. Okay, I have spent the last 15 years

301. learning the ins and outs of the paper industry.

302. With a lean, mean fighting crew and low overhead,

303. I think I can perform the same business

304. at a much, much higher rate of profit.

305. How do you expect to turn a profit in this economy?

306. By wanting it more, by working hard...

307. What's your mission statement?

308. My mission is stated as follows.

309. I will not be beat.

310. I will never give up.

311. I am on a mission.

312. That is the Michael Scott guarantee.

313. Come on, Oscar. What positions do people play?

314. Wing. The leg.

315. Jim, what do you play? Left.

316. Forward or half? Forward, definitely.

317. Okay, striker, huh? Striker!

318. Let's see what you got in those legs. All right, let's do it.

319. All right.

320. No, no, no. This... No, this is supposed to be the kickoff.

321. Kickoff.

322. My strategy is to touch the ball as little as possible.

323. Chalk it up to teamwork.

324. All right!

325. And I offer same-day free delivery.

326. Michael, I don't know about this.

327. Nana, I really think that Papa would want you to do this.

328. I'm not so sure. Well, what is it exactly?

329. I mean, what... What specifically? It doesn't have to be paper.

330. We could sell medicine and other...

331. See, this is what concerns me.

332. We could just give him a chance. It's not much money.

333. Well, this might not be the right time,

334. but I need more than I originally asked for.

335. This isn't a hand-out club, it's an investment club.

336. Okay.

337. I love you, Michael. I do. Okay.

338. But no. I mean it. No.

339. I thought Nana raised some good questions.

340. What kind of a name is Nana?

341. It means "grandmother."

342. Oh, sweet Jesus.

343. Look, I'm sorry to do this,

344. but can you drop me back at the telemarketing building?

345. You know, Michael, if you want to succeed,

346. you've got to apply the same...

347. Get him, Jim! Go, go!

348. Come on, talk to me, Jim!

349. Ah! - Oh, my God!

350. Jim, what the...

351. Phyllis, are you okay? Are you okay?

352. No, I swallowed a crown.

353. Why'd you duck, Jim? - Yeah, Jim.

354. Why would an experienced soccer player, like yourself,

355. duck at the very last moment?

356. Okay, I'm just gonna go get some ice.

357. Does that make you feel better, huh?

358. I'm... I'm sorry, Phyllis.

359. Oh, yeah, Jim's sorry.

360. Do you get TNT? The station. Do you get TNT?

361. Yeah, I have cable and satellite as a backup.

362. Yeah, I know, two not-so-great things in a row.

363. Yeah, well, stuff happens, right? At least we got Ryan.

364. The Ry-guy.

365. We should call him Rye Bread.

366. We don't have to call him that.

367. Unless you like it. We could call him that.

368. I can't do this.

369. What's that?

370. I can't do this. I had a real job.

371. I sat 10 feet away from my fiance.

372. I had health benefits.

373. I was just feeling impulsive.

374. I should have gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle.

375. I just keep getting bored, and I let things build up and build up,

376. and then I do something too big, like this. Who does this?

377. Well, you know what? My mom always used to say

378. that average people are the most special people in the world.

379. And that's why God made so many...

380. We don't have any money.

381. We don't have an office. We don't have anything.

382. Well, we should make a list.

383. Lists are good, lists are good, lists are good.

384. First on the list, let's get you out of the car, all right?

385. Okay.

386. How come, out of everyone in the office,

387. I'm the only one who went with you?

388. Is it because I'm that stupid?

389. I mean, your own grandmother doesn't even believe in you.

390. I want you to listen to me.

391. Because I want to tell you the situation

392. that we are both in right now, okay?

393. You quit your job, I quit my job. We both quit.

394. Those are the facts. That's what happened.

395. Now, what are our choices right now?

396. Because, you know what, kiddo? You quit.

397. Yeah.

398. So, what are our options? Well...

399. We can start this paper company. We can try.

400. Or... That's it, that's our only option, because we quit.

401. Pam, I do my best work when people don't believe in me.

402. I remember in high school,

403. my math teacher told me I was going to flunk out.

404. And know what I did?

405. The very next day, I went out and I scored more goals

406. than anyone in the history of the hockey team.

407. See what I mean? I thrive on this. I thrive on it.

408. So I'm going to go inside,

409. I'm going to make some calls,

410. I'm going to get us an office space,

411. and I'm going to show you why you joined this company, all right?

412. You've gotta have some extra space. Billy, work with me here.

413. There's got to be some sort of secret office that you have lurking around.

414. Something awesome and free. You keep it off the books.

415. Oh, no. Not there.

416. That would be humiliating.

417. I did what I had to do.

418. I stepped in, I took charge.

419. That's what being a man is.

420. And earlier today, I was freaking out.

421. Pam stepped up. She was the man.

422. Don't think a woman can be a man?

423. Well, then that's your stereotype, not mine.

424. Okay.

425. I could work here.

426. I can see this.

427. It's right in the middle of the paper belt.

428. Are you good?

429. Yeah, I'm good. Are you good?

430. I'm good.

431. You know what they say. Keep your friends close.

432. Michael, you're back.

433. Yes, I am, Charles. Mmm-hmm.

434. Except this time, you've no legal right to kick me out,

435. because I have started my very own paper company

436. right here in the building.

437. If I were you, Charles Miner, I would watch your step,

438. because the Michael Scott Paper Company is about to open a big old can

439. of whoop-ass on Dunder Mifflin.

440. Actually, a six-pack. We're going to open a six-pack of whoop-ass.

441. He looked scared.