The Office 5x2

Directed by Jeffrey Blitz

Ed Helms as Andy Bernard • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

Holly leads a business ethics seminar as a result of Ryan's scandal, and when Michael encourages everyone to share their own unethical work behaviors, things get out of hand. Meanwhile, Jim messes with Dwight by requiring him to follow the Dunder Mifflin "Time Theft" policy.

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1. Well, I should go.

2. All right. I'll tell everybody here that you say hi.

3. No, don't. I'm mad at them.

4. Why? What happened?

5. Not one of them called to congratulate me on our engagement.

6. Ah!

7. That, they might be off the hook for, because I didn't tell them.

8. What? Why not?

9. I just didn't, you know, want to deal.

10. Come on. It won't be that bad.

11. Okay. You know what? Here we go.

12. Everybody, I just want to make an announcement.

13. Pam and I are engaged. Hi, everyone!

14. I thought you were already engaged. Nope.

15. That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy. Thank you, Angela.

16. I got a gift for Pam and Roy. Do I have to get another one?

17. Yes.

18. A little close to my engagement there, Tuna. What's your game here?

19. To get married. She's not a virgin, you know.

20. Wow!

21. What's going on?

22. No. Nothing. Nothing, Michael. Just saying hi.

23. The tall guy got engaged.

24. To be married? Yep.

25. Sorry.

26. Pencils down! Just kidding. Take your time.

27. Today is Ethics Day.

28. After they finish the quiz, I'm going to run my first meeting here.

29. It's going to be insane. No, it's not. I have to read from the binder.

30. I got it. I got it.

31. Let's get ethical, ethical

32. I want to get ethical

33. Let's get into ethics, yeah

34. Let me hear Dunder Mifflin talk

35. Your body talk

36. Let me hear your body talk

37. All right!

38. "Why are you helping her? You're not even dating." She's my friend.

39. And ultimately my strategy is

40. to sort of merge this into a relationship

41. without her even knowing.

42. Okay! Let's give it up for Miss Holly Flax!

43. Thanks, Michael.

44. Today we're going to have a business ethics seminar

45. because recently, without mentioning any names,

46. there has been some misconduct at corporate

47. and we have a very strict ethics policy and that employee has been fired.

48. Come on. He's right there. He was hired.

49. Check it out, hired guy. Nice.

50. Okay, elephant in the room. Let's talk about it.

51. Do I regret what I did? Of course I do.

52. Even though it was an amazing ride and I'll give an example.

53. Anyone see Survivor, Season Six? Anyone know JoAnna on that show?

54. In New York City, I hooked up with a girl who looked exactly like that.

55. Indistinguishable. So...

56. Okay. Well done. Good speech, Ryan. You're a good guy.

57. Let's start discussing those questionnaires that you filled in this morning.

58. It is wrong to make personal calls during work hours.

59. Now, some of you marked that you very strongly agree.

60. But ideally, you would have selected "totally agree."

61. I thought "very strongly agree" sounded stronger than "totally agree."

62. Corporate would like to emphasize that ideally

63. you would all totally agree with that statement.

64. Well, I think we can all totally agree that Holly is totally fantastic.

65. Thank you. Okay. Okay.

66. In fact, spending a half hour at the water cooler during work hours

67. is a form of stealing.

68. - What? - Yes.

69. It's called "time theft" and it's the same as taking money from the company.

70. Can anyone think of examples of things that are over-the-line time wasters?

71. This meeting.

72. Can't set them up like that.

73. Why is it okay for smokers to take breaks all the time?

74. If I want to go outside and hang out once an hour, then I'll just take up smoking.

75. - I'll do it. I don't care. - I'll smoke with you.

76. I got a bag of cigars in my purse.

77. Stealing office supplies is another big ethical area

78. that there seems to be some confusion about.

79. Okay. Could we have a moment?

80. Can I talk to you for a second?

81. Yeah.

82. A lot of good stuff. And you look... You look fantastic.

83. Michael. Yeah?

84. What should we be working on while you guys are talking?

85. Do some... Do some work.

86. People expect a lot from these meetings.

87. Laughter, sudden twists, surprise endings,

88. you need to be Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan.

89. You need to be Robin Shyamalan.

90. Well, I just have to get through the binder.

91. You're... It's just, you're kind of losing them.

92. I am? Yeah.

93. Don't think about the stakes. It'll freak you out.

94. Okay. Well, Michael makes a really good point.

95. So, let's just open this up a little bit.

96. Say my name is Lauren and here I am shopping in a supermarket

97. and I steal a pencil.

98. That's not right. Lauren! Enough with the pencils!

99. No. I have to go over pencils and office supplies.

100. It's part of the ethics thing. That isn't ethics.

101. Ethics is a real discussion of competing conceptions of the good.

102. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.

103. I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family?

104. Boom!

105. Exactly, Andy. Yeah. I took Intro to Philosophy twice.

106. No big deal. It's a trick question.

107. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family.

108. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.

109. No, that's not how it works.

110. I would not steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.

111. Okay. But we should get back to business.

112. Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the workplace?

113. Anybody?

114. This is a chance for you to say something without any repercussions.

115. Stanley? Oscar, come on. I'll pass.

116. I will go first.

117. When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days.

118. I did nothing.

119. I viewed Cookie Monster Sings Chocolate Rain about 1,000 times.

120. What was the dilemma? To tell you or not.

121. And I'm glad I did. I feel very, very good. Cathartic.

122. I promise you that you are not going to get into trouble.

123. You can say anything you want with total and complete immunity.

124. Oh, no, no, no. Yeah. Come on. Anybody. Let it fly.

125. Okay. Once in a while, I'll take a long lunch.

126. A siesta. Time thief. Time thief. Fire him!

127. Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?

128. Never. You are a thief of joy. Anybody else? Yeah?

129. Sometimes I download pirated music onto my work computer.

130. Who hasn't? Good. Good. What else?

131. No, I'd like to hear more about that.

132. I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he's clean, but I'm glad I did it.

133. Well, let's keep this party moving on.

134. I'll go.

135. Have you guys ever met Bruce Myers, the Scranton rep for Hammermill?

136. Bruce.

137. Well, for the past six years I have been sleeping with him

138. in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates.

139. Jackpot.

140. Meredith, that is serious.

141. I mean, not only is that a conflict of interest,

142. but there's also an exchange of goods.

143. Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey?

144. That's crazy. That's crazy talk.

145. Meredith, "the Merenator," sleeping with suppliers.

146. Wow!

147. What time we got?

148. You know what? That's a good place to end it.

149. Right there. This, I think, was a great ethics seminar.

150. She has given us a lot of wonderful things to think about.

151. Right. What is wrong? Who's to say, really, in the end?

152. I mean, because it is unknowable. But let's give her a round of applause.

153. Holly, everybody! Holly! Get back to work.

154. Great job. I am truly impressed.

155. That... You really pulled that one out.

156. Classic. Classic meeting. We should celebrate.

157. Michael, there's some serious issues with Meredith.

158. I mean, all of you have done things I wouldn't have done myself,

159. but Meredith's actions are really over the line.

160. Yeah. What are you going to do?

161. So regarding this supplier, approximately how many liaisons have there been?

162. Liaisons? You mean meet-ups? I don't know. Once a month for six years.

163. Something like that.

164. Meredith, why don't you tell Holly it's not what she thinks,

165. nothing unethical happened and that you just like to sleep around?

166. Am I in trouble here or something?

167. No. No. This is just a stupid formality.

168. No, it's not a formality.

169. Now, were these "meet-ups" just personal, unrelated to business?

170. No. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the discount paper.

171. There's not a lot of fruit in those looms.

172. For the love of God, we're trying to help you, you stupid bag.

173. What I don't understand is, why the steak coupons?

174. I mean, if you were already getting the discounted paper...

175. Well, it's funny, maybe it's a girl thing, but after we did it,

176. when he would give me those coupons, I just felt good about myself.

177. Hey, what's going on here? I thought I had immunity.

178. Well, unfortunately, immunity or something being off the record

179. does not really exist in the workplace.

180. I mean, I've never heard of anyone who kept their job after something like this.

181. Well, I'm not quitting.

182. Yawn, four seconds. What are you doing?

183. You had said that you don't do anything personal during work time,

184. so I'm just making sure.

185. Wait a minute. So you're going to time me every time I yawn? That's absurd.

186. Really?

187. Hey, look, monkey knows how to use a stop watch, everybody.

188. He's...

189. Personal conversation. 17 seconds.

190. There is no way that that was...

191. One second.

192. Well, well, Holly-lujah! It's a miracle you're at your desk.

193. It's Mike-raculous. Reaching. You'll get there.

194. Anyway, I was giving it some thought, and there's no reason that two attractive,

195. good looking, intelligent, funny, attractive people can't,

196. you know, just sit down and work this whole Meredith thing out.

197. Sounds good. Good.

198. Would you care to bang it out over lunch? I already bought this.

199. No, no, no. Your food is no good here, my lady.

200. Sorry.

201. You know what? Let's go out. Dunder Mifflirs treat.

202. Actually, you're not a client, so we'll just split it?

203. Ethical.

204. So, I've gone over corporate policy.

205. What do you think? What do you think of this place?

206. It's very nice. Isn't it?

207. Yeah. It's kind of business romantic. So you're from Des Moines.

208. Mmm. That sounds so warm.

209. In summer.

210. Here, too. You know what my favorite season is?

211. Maybe we should talk about Meredith first.

212. Yes. Get the boring stuff out of the way.

213. Autumn was what I was going to say. When the leaves change, it's just...

214. I think it's the most contemplative of seasons.

215. Okay, so I've gone over this and I've thought about it and I just don't think

216. there's any way I can write a report that doesn't end with her being terminated.

217. Terminate her. Terminator. "I'm from the future."

218. Yeah.

219. Hey, Andy. Yo.

220. By any chance, did you see Battlestar Galactica last night?

221. No, I did not. Was that any good?

222. Actually not. It was really so-so.

223. Okay.

224. I mean, I like all the crazy monsters and stuff, you know,

225. like Klingons and Wookiees and all that, but...

226. Sorry, was there something you wanted to add, Dwight?

227. Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica?

228. You know what's weird? It's practically a shot-for-shot remake.

229. Really?

230. That's cool. The story's kind of bland.

231. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian...

232. Okay... who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.

233. Really. That doesn't sound right.

234. I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance.

235. I mean, what sort of place is that to call home?

236. And Meredith needs this job. This is her main source of money.

237. Well, that's very sweet, but we have to follow the protocol.

238. Those are the rules. Okay, new idea. We don't report it at all.

239. We just punish her. We punish her?

240. Tell her, "Can't have sex for six months."

241. I don't think we could enforce that.

242. I don't know. I saw this thing. Like a belt with a key.

243. A chastity belt.

244. No, it's more of an underwear garment that has little spikes, like, made of...

245. Like sometimes they're made of metal. You know what I'm talking about?

246. You unlock a little door that...

247. Down where you... Where you put... Where you put the...

248. He has not stopped working for a second.

249. At 12:45, he sneezed while keeping his eyes open,

250. which I always thought was impossible.

251. At 1:32, he peed.

252. And I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk

253. while filling out expense reports.

254. And on the flip side,

255. I've been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work.

256. It's exhausting, being this vigilant.

257. I'll probably have to go home early today.

258. I am just saying that I don't think that you understand what I am saying.

259. No, you are saying that we should sweep it under the carpet,

260. accept the discount on supplies, not fire Meredith

261. and pretend like the whole thing never happened.

262. Yes. What am I saying?

263. Well...

264. Busted. I don't...

265. I'm saying that her behavior is unethical, and a little icky.

266. And I don't think I want to work in an environment

267. where that sort of conduct is tolerated.

268. Well, you have to tolerate a lot when you're part of a family.

269. It's not a family. It's a workplace.

270. I will be honest with you. That car ride did not go well.

271. And that was not my fault.

272. The only reason I am standing out here right now

273. is because I don't want to take the elevator with her.

274. And I am holding on to her leftovers.

275. Nineteen minutes and 48 seconds.

276. What were we doing for 19 minutes and 48 seconds?

277. None of your business.

278. So I guess I can assume that was personal.

279. Fine.

280. So maybe you're not completely ethical after all.

281. Yes. Maybe I'm not.

282. It's been a little tense.

283. People are suspicious of me and my best friend in the office won't even talk to me.

284. Turns out being the morality police does not make you popular.

285. I should know, because in middle school I was the hall monitor

286. and the kids used to stuff egg salad in my locker.

287. Yeah, I was just hoping middle school was over.

288. Kendall from corporate HR is on line one and Holly's on her way in, too.

289. What's the only thing worse than one HR rep?

290. Two HR reps. You get me.

291. Can I sit? I don't know, can you?

292. Kendall, my main man.

293. Listen, Holly, Michael,

294. I just got the report that your branch submitted.

295. And there's a lot of stuff about a relationship Meredith's having with a...

296. Yes, that came out during the ethics seminar...

297. And let the record show that it was during the immunity part of the seminar.

298. Well, I'm not sure these circumstances warrant any action.

299. I think it's pretty clear it was unethical.

300. Well, from what I can gather, it seems like a gray area.

301. Look, to be honest, the company's getting a discount at a tough time

302. in our balance sheet and I don't know that the right thing to do for the company

303. is to turn our noses up at that.

304. Kendall, I understand that the discount is good for the company,

305. but I'm just not happy about the way we're getting it.

306. You see, I thought I was clear with you, Holly.

307. Your task was to get signatures

308. from the employees showing that they completed the training.

309. No, I understand.

310. Because every other branch has managed to get this to us,

311. so if it's not something you can handle, then that's a different discussion.

312. No. No, I can do it. Good.

313. How do you tell somebody that you care about deeply, "I told you so"?

314. Gently, with a rose?

315. In a funny way? Like it's a hilarious joke?

316. Or do you just let it go?

317. Because saying it would just make things worse.

318. Probably the funny way.

319. Can I have everyone's attention?

320. Excuse me. May I have everyone's attention, please?

321. We need to finish the ethics seminar.

322. No way, lady. It's a trap.

323. Everyone, please, I just need your signatures

324. to show corporate that I gave you the training.

325. Don't sign anything. Okay, everybody, listen up,

326. if you're not in that conference room in two minutes,

327. I am going to kill you.

328. It's a quarter to 5:00 and I have started to gather my things.

329. Get in there right now or I'm going to lose it!

330. Am I getting fired?

331. Now is really not the time, Meredith.

332. In this next section we examine the difference

333. between sick days and personal days.

334. Sick days are only to be used when an illness precludes you

335. from doing your job or can spread to your co-workers.

336. Personal days, on the other hand, are much more flexible.

337. Thank you, Meredith, this was delicious. Hey, where's the steak sauce?

338. I think we're out. I got some in my minivan somewhere.

339. Wait a second, how does this steak factor in again?

340. I think she got it as a tip, but I don't know why she didn't just take cash.

341. I don't care what she's doing, I hope she just keeps doing it.

342. Amen. Just keep the ribs coming.