The Office 5x16

Directed by Randall Einhorn

Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson • Brian Baumgartner as Kevin Malone

A mystery woman at the office blood drive catches Michael's eye. Dwight and Kevin both find women at the "Lonely Hearts Party," while Jim and Pam are forced to leave because of PDAs—so they have lunch with Phyllis and Bob.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hi.

2. Good morning. Can I help you?

3. Yes. I'm from Tech Star, about a new phone system for you.

4. I was wondering if I could talk to Michael Scott?

5. I'm sorry. He's not in right now.

6. Really? He's never around when I come by.

7. Shoot.

8. They have new phone systems now

9. that can ring directly to a salesman,

10. or someone presses star and they go to accounting.

11. Basically, 95% of my job.

12. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone.

13. Vending machine.

14. How about I make an appointment to come back?

15. That way I know he'll be here.

16. That is a great idea.

17. Great.

18. Oh, boy! Let's see. He's really...

19. Michael Scott, manager. Hi, how are you?

20. Hi. There he is.

21. Nice to meet you.

22. Great. Look at that.

23. I can assure you we don't need a new system, though.

24. We're happy with ours.

25. Hello. May I help you?

26. Jim-Bo.

27. Jim.

28. Aye!

29. Aye!

30. Aye!

31. Aye!

32. Okay. I'm going to get going then.

33. Aye!

34. What was that? That was funny.

35. That was funny.

36. Let's go do it to somebody else.

37. Aye!

38. Look at that.

39. Cupids and hearts. Really shoving our faces in it this year.

40. You doing okay, bud?

41. I miss Stacy.

42. Yeah. I hear you. It's been four months since I was with Holly

43. and she was way hotter than Stacy.

44. So if you think you're hurting...

45. I can't even imagine.

46. This is our first and only Valentine's Day as fiances.

47. You're only engaged once.

48. Well, present company excluded, but...

49. Really, Jim? On Cupid's birthday?

50. Yeah.

51. She's fine.

52. So I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer.

53. "Roses are red, violets are blue."

54. "It's time for your dental cleaning and maybe a checkup too."

55. Wow. Look at those. How nice for you.

56. Up there, front and center, beautiful.

57. I think they would look better right here.

58. They're very pretty and I wouldn't want them to fall.

59. Just about everybody in this office is single right now.

60. Including me.

61. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain.

62. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion.

63. And it is my first Valentine's Day since Holly,

64. so I think that I am well qualified to understand

65. that these people need to be protected from having love

66. shoved into their faces.

67. Pam, really? They're back?

68. I can't see them when they're on the floor.

69. They're for her to look at, Michael.

70. Can I have a word with you? Yes, let's have a word.

71. Yes. Jim.

72. Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.

73. I'm sorry. Yeah.

74. And the sexy looks between you and Pam,

75. the general sexiness, the flowers,

76. it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment.

77. I understand. It's so sexy it becomes hostile.

78. I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key.

79. Well, if you guys insist

80. on having your own private little love fest...

81. We do.

82. That none of us can be a part of...

83. You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael.

84. Then we are going to have

85. our own private Valentine's Day party.

86. That sounds fun. So suck it.

87. - Yeah. - Yes.

88. Hey, everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it,

89. and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention,

90. a lonely hearts convention this afternoon.

91. Singles only.

92. Yeah. Deal with it, Pam!

93. So, we may not have someone in our lives that we love,

94. but we do have each other.

95. Having trouble finding a vein?

96. Yeah. A little.

97. How about now?

98. I trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command.

99. Also I can retract my penis up into itself.

100. I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life,

101. the transfer of my bodily fluids...

102. Wow, that's a big needle.

103. You're going to need to lie down right over here.

104. Okay. Hello.

105. Hi. I can't talk right now. I'm sorry.

106. Okay.

107. I'm really nervous.

108. Yeah. Me too.

109. Yeah?

110. When I get nervous, I sort of clam up and...

111. Well, that's fine.

112. It's better for me just to be quiet. Yeah.

113. Yeah. Can I point something out to you?

114. Sure.

115. You're actually talking a lot. Yeah. Sorry.

116. That's the other thing I do when I get really nervous.

117. Okay. Here we go.

118. All right, here we go.

119. Oh, God.

120. Just relax.

121. Yeah. I'm good.

122. I feel like a human juice box.

123. Oh, God.

124. Hawaiian blood punch.

125. That's gross.

126. Type O-cean Spray.

127. God, stop. Stop it.

128. Yeah. Wouldn't it be cool?

129. Hey. Why don't you guys come have lunch with Bob and me?

130. We'll take all afternoon.

131. Michael is terrified of Bob.

132. What do you think?

133. I have a lot of work to do this afternoon.

134. Those mines aren't going to sweep themselves.

135. We're in.

136. What? I looked at the bag.

137. I looked straight at the bag.

138. That's not good.

139. Could you distract me for a second?

140. Just talk about things that don't have blood in them.

141. Well, okay. Bags.

142. That...

143. All right. That was bad.

144. That was mean.

145. A hat. A hat.

146. A hat with no blood in it.

147. That is full of soup.

148. You're cute. What?

149. You're done.

150. Already?

151. We did it.

152. Wow, I was so nervous about this.

153. I don't think I ate for three days.

154. Is he okay?

155. Oh, my God. How long was I out?

156. What?

157. Excuse me, waitress, where did the lady go?

158. She left.

159. Okay.

160. Wait a second. Wait a second. That's hers. This is hers.

161. She left her glove.

162. I need her name if I'm going to return her glove.

163. I'm sorry, sir. We can't give out that information.

164. What are you doing?

165. Decorating.

166. I'll help.

167. Now it's just a stupid baby.

168. Yeah. Thanks.

169. It is so nice to go out with another couple.

170. Anything to get out of that office.

171. I know.

172. I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass

173. and that other jackass and that new jackass.

174. He's talking about Michael, Dwight and Andy.

175. Yeah. I understood.

176. Well, here we all are, alone but together.

177. No flowers for us.

178. Relationships. We don't need no stinking relationships.

179. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story

180. and then get past it.

181. Just blow through it. Yeah?

182. Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly.

183. Well, his heart was in the right place.

184. Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand,

185. along with the rest of his body, having random sex.

186. Okay. Sorry. Let's... Who else?

187. Oscar?

188. I don't think so.

189. Come on, I'm sure there's something you need to get off your chest.

190. Thank you.

191. You want to... Just anything? You sure?

192. I'm sure whatever you did wasn't your fault.

193. Okay, well, who else?

194. Everyone here who's bowled a 280, please raise your hand.

195. No way. Wow.

196. A 280? That's impressive.

197. Okay, now everyone here who's bowled under 70 raise their hand.

198. Yikes.

199. Come on, Bob, raise your hand. No, Bob.

200. No. What?

201. One time. You love bringing up that one time.

202. Yes, I do. Jim uses a six-pound ball.

203. That is a lie.

204. Yes. He bowled five frames

205. with this pink sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her ball back.

206. But that girl must have had monstrous hands because the holes fit.

207. No, you just have little dainty fingers.

208. You could always model lady's jewelry.

209. Nobody asked, Bob.

210. Do you risk telling them how you feel?

211. Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself?

212. God, what did you do?

213. Not that I approve of any of it, but...

214. I was stupid. I told him.

215. Was he into you in, like, a gay way?

216. Moron, if he was there wouldn't be a story.

217. He told me he wasn't gay.

218. - Really sad. - I'm not done yet.

219. Oh, my God.

220. A week later, a friend of mine calls me up

221. and he says, "I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City."

222. Well, then it's a happy ending, because he was gay.

223. You should call him.

224. My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men.

225. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad

226. they had a duel over me.

227. Yeah, Dwight and Andy. We were here.

228. No.

229. This was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David.

230. Angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you?

231. I guess I have.

232. All right, who's next? Where's Andy?

233. He's on one of his honeymoons.

234. What?

235. He made nonrefundable deposits on his honeymoons,

236. so he's just knocking them off one at a time.

237. I think today he's hot-air ballooning,

238. and later he's got a couples' massage.

239. My worst breakup was with Stacy.

240. It was a Sunday morning. We were reading the paper

241. and I said, "Oh, my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East."

242. And she said that we're done.

243. You know what, guys, I don't think we need to do this.

244. You're right. Okay, everyone, back to work.

245. No, no, no, no. I mean have this kind of party.

246. I look around and I see all these beautiful people

247. who are alone on Valentine's

248. and I think that there are other single people out there, too.

249. We just need to find them.

250. There's a girl out there for all of us.

251. Maybe even in this office park.

252. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.

253. A net? A giant net?

254. No, not a giant net.

255. What do you have in mind?

256. I was thinking maybe like a mixer.

257. Oh, God, that's a terrible idea.

258. Old-fashioned meat market.

259. No. I don't think it is.

260. Lonely people mixing with one another, breeding,

261. creating an even lonelier generation?

262. You're not allowing natural selection to do its work.

263. You're like the guy who invented the seatbelt.

264. These people need love.

265. And I am going to get it for them.

266. Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today?

267. A great boss cares more

268. about the happiness of his employees than anything else.

269. I am going to be Cupid.

270. And I'm going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims

271. and they are going to get hit and say, "I'm in love."

272. "I was hit by Cupid's sparrow."

273. Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.

274. Hey.

275. Hey. No movement.

276. Still early.

277. Yeah, it's not that early.

278. So how are you holding up?

279. I'm okay. I feel a little lopsided

280. because of all the blood they took out of my right side.

281. No, no. I meant about being single today.

282. Meh. Meh!

283. Exactly.

284. Here we go. Hello.

285. Hello.

286. Dwight K. Schrute.

287. Why don't you introduce me to your little friend? Hi. Dwight.

288. Babe alert. Hello. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome to our little shindig.

289. Hi. I'm Lynn.

290. Lynn, follow me. Come on in.

291. Here we go.

292. For you we have one of our top people,

293. Kevin Malone. Kevin, come out here. Show your beautiful self.

294. Hello.

295. Hi.

296. So run with the ball. Run with it, Kev.

297. Where are you from?

298. I'm from here.

299. Yeah, okay. Well, he only gets better.

300. Thank you, Michael. Okay.

301. I can untie any knot. I'm serious.

302. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead.

303. I believe you.

304. You shouldn't believe everything you hear.

305. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie.

306. So what's a woman as charming as yourself find herself employed

307. on a day such as today?

308. I work at a place that does catalogs for

309. community colleges and small businesses.

310. You must use a lot of paper.

311. Oh, God, tons of it.

312. What's the rule about eating

313. when people are in the bathroom?

314. I think if you ordered hot food you're allowed to eat.

315. Damn.

316. They've been in there for like ten minutes.

317. Look at that. Bob ordered hot food.

318. Yes.

319. And I think they gave him too many fries.

320. We should help him out.

321. At the Circle Drive-in, they show old movies.

322. It's really cool.

323. That does sound cool.

324. I used to go there with my fiancee.

325. Before she left me. I mean, before I left her.

326. She left me.

327. Shoot.

328. I think I blew it.

329. It all happened so fast.

330. So fast.

331. So, Erik, you mentioned before

332. that you are in tool and die repair.

333. I am.

334. Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy.

335. So that's sort of a repair.

336. All right, I'll let you guys talk.

337. It's going very well. People are mixing. A lot of hope,

338. 'cause that's what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed.

339. Sorry. Thought I heard somebody coming in.

340. So, it's not too late.

341. And the kind of discounts we're talking about are not...

342. Hold on. Michael, why do you keep looking at the front door?

343. No reason. Is somebody after you?

344. Why do you always go to that?

345. Has anyone ever been after anyone in this office?

346. Hey, it just takes one.

347. Nobody's after me. I just...

348. I met a woman when I was giving blood

349. and I thought she might come by.

350. You met a woman when you were giving blood? That is so romantic.

351. It's not a big deal, really. I just, you know,

352. met somebody. We hardly talked.

353. I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.

354. Oh, my God, that makes it even more romantic.

355. This is like a modern-day Enchanted. It's like a fairytale.

356. She could be your soul mate.

357. Not likely.

358. With three billion women on the planet,

359. most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

360. It's possible. Could be.

361. Believe me, it's nothing. I hardly even talked to her.

362. We just... We were lying there next to each other.

363. I think our blood bags touched.

364. Aww!

365. Here they come. What?

366. No. Just kidding.

367. Seriously though, that's enough.

368. Why don't you cover it with the broccoli?

369. Great, I have to cover it?

370. Do you think they dined and dashed?

371. They didn't dine so, yeah, maybe they just dashed.

372. I thought we were having a nice time.

373. We were.

374. Yeah.

375. Empty. Mine too.

376. Oh, boy. Oh, my God.

377. Okay.

378. Hi. Is this the party?

379. Nah.

380. Okay then.

381. So...

382. Where were we?

383. Bowling.

384. Yep, yeah, yep.

385. You didn't eat much there, Jim-Bo.

386. Initially I did.

387. Want some meat?

388. Sure, a little piece. No mushroom, though.

389. I forgot.

390. Yeah. Thank you.

391. Hey, I'm sorry we did not have a chance to talk more.

392. I get very nervous talking to pretty girls.

393. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is.

394. That's really sweaty.

395. Are you on e-mail?

396. Yeah.

397. Cool. Okay, bye.

398. Bye, Kevin.

399. Good Valentine's.

400. So basically the greater volume you decide to buy in,

401. the greater discount we can give you. Okay.

402. Okay? What's up?

403. Look, I'm going to go.

404. Before you go, I'd just love to get a firm commitment on this.

405. You know, maybe sign...

406. Look, we already have a paper supplier.

407. Okay.

408. Well, thanks for wasting my time tonight, idiot. God!

409. Hey. You don't deserve her.

410. Thanks, Michael.

411. Hey, if anybody wants to go...

412. We can stay a little longer.

413. - Really? - Yeah.

414. - Yeah. Sure, Michael. - Yeah.

415. No, this is great. Absolutely.

416. Yeah.

417. Thanks.

418. Michael, it's time.

419. You know what? You guys can get out.

420. I'm going to soldier on for a little bit.

421. Come on. We'll all go.

422. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go.

423. Okay.

424. Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly,

425. and this is actually the first time that I've even considered

426. getting back into that arena again.

427. You know what? Sometimes it's not about

428. whether Cinderella gets her slipper back,

429. but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all.

430. There's a lot of princesses out there.

431. You know, they have all different sizes

432. and shapes of feet and hands,

433. so I think...

434. I think my odds are pretty good.

435. Pardon me, may I have a chocolate chip cookie?

436. I gave blood earlier and I'm still feeling woozy.

437. Of course.

438. That's weird. You got a cotton ball

439. and tape and we've been using Band-Aids.

440. I feel so woozy, I just... Using Band-Aids.

441. Damn.