The Office 5x15

Directed by Ken Kwapis

Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson • Brian Baumgartner as Kevin Malone

Michael and Pam continue their tour of the branches with Michael taking a lesson from their visit to Utica. Dwight and Jim struggle to fulfill their new party planning duties with a grumpy staff. Angela's new cat causes a stir.

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1. I am on a lecture circuit.

2. I'm going around to all the branches,

3. and I'm telling them my secret recipe for success.

4. I have now memorized

5. all of your names.

6. Shirty,

7. Mole,

8. Lazy eye,

9. Mexico, Baldy.

10. Then I turn it on and I say,

11. "Prepare yourself for the Utica chain store massacre."

12. - How's Jim? - We're engaged.

13. - My God, I'm so happy for you. - Well... Thank you.

14. You remember Holly?

15. She used to work for H.R.

16. She was the love of my life.

17. She just left, and I never got closure.

18. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure.

19. Let's go.

20. Two?

21. I didn't eat lunch.

22. I didn't eat all my lunch.

23. Hello, everyone.

24. Ice cream.

25. Nice, Kevin. Looks good.

26. Angela, you're more chipper than usual.

27. I am proud to announce

28. that there is a new addition to the Martin family.

29. She's hypoallergenic.

30. She doesn't struggle when you try to dress her.

31. She's a third-generation show cat.

32. Her father was in Meet the Parents.

33. Needless to say, she was very, very expensive.

34. - How much? - $7,000.

35. For a cat? I could get you a kid for that.

36. Where'd you get the money?

37. I sold Andy's engagement ring on eBay.

38. Wait, you didn't give it back?

39. He wouldn't have wanted that.

40. Her name is Princess Lady!

41. Seven grand.

42. I gotta see that little bitch.

43. I have something better than a picture. Come on.

44. You have your cats on Nanny Cam?

45. I usually try to take leave when I get a new cat,

46. but I'm out of vacation days.

47. And this company still doesn't recognize cat maternity.

48. When somebody has a kid, sure, take off a year.

49. She's right. I had my 2nd kid just for the vacation.

50. Right. Anyways...

51. I just want to make sure Princess Lady is acclimating well.

52. She means more to me than anyone.

53. Any cat, you mean.

54. And person.

55. So detour.

56. We're adding Nashua to the lecture circuit

57. so Michael can confront Holly and get some closure.

58. Nashua sounded very excited on the phone.

59. I don't think they get a lot of visitors.

60. Because their office is only accessible by cross-country skis.

61. I've been driving too long.

62. - What did you do? - Stop yelling at me!

63. - What did you do? - I didn't do anything!

64. What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things.

65. Like how to fashion a shiv?

66. What the hell's going on?

67. Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15?

68. I was kickin' it.

69. In juvie.

70. What?

71. Juvie... nile

72. detention center.

73. - Where they send teenagers for... - Got it.

74. What did you do?

75. Dwight, sounds like she was 14, so maybe we wanna go a little easy.

76. If she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law.

77. What did you do?

78. My boyfriend dumped me,

79. so I stole his boat.

80. He told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's.

81. I thought it'd be really romantic,

82. like Thelma and Louise, but with a boat.

83. And it was the worst year of my life.

84. I can't believe that you are making me talk about this on my birthday!

85. I thought you said yesterday was your birthday.

86. You know what?

87. I got you a cake.

88. You did? I want to see the cake.

89. - I hate it. - How do you hate it? It's a cake.

90. There's no flowers or toys or...

91. There's nothing on it. Where did you find a cake like this?

92. It doesn't have my name on it. Do you know what my name is?

93. - My name is Kelly! - Right.

94. I forgot if there was an "e" between the "l" and the "y."

95. I still don't know.

96. I don't even know what the theme is. What's the theme?

97. - Birthday. - Frosting.

98. Those aren't themes.

99. There's always a theme.

100. There's always a theme.

101. Nice job on the cake, Bozo.

102. Next time, I'll let you get the cake, and I'll scream at the birthday girl.

103. A little bit more closer to the sign.

104. - Do I look OK? - You look good.

105. - Hi, can I help you? - Yes, you can.

106. I am Michael Scott, regional manager of the Scranton branch.

107. We were expecting you. Have a seat.

108. Is Holly Flax anywhere here?

109. Actually, she's on an H.R. retreat for the next three days.

110. She's not here?

111. If you need to get in touch with her immediately, you could talk to A.J.

112. He's a salesman here.

113. He's her boyfriend. He's just over there.

114. She has a boyfriend.

115. I'm so sorry.

116. How could she do this to me, Pam?

117. She's not doing it to hurt you.

118. I can't do the presentation.

119. Just...

120. Thinking about seeing him and...

121. thinking about...

122. him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her. It's just...

123. Listen,

124. when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work.

125. It was awful. I hated it.

126. I wanted to quit, but...

127. Please, come on, I'm going through something.

128. When Holly gets back,

129. everyone'll tell her what a great job you did.

130. And then she'll realize what she's missing.

131. And then she'll move back to Scranton.

132. And her boyfriend will die.

133. Maybe.

134. Maybe.

135. One step at a time.

136. You can do this.

137. I can do this.

138. I think there could be snacks or...

139. Why would we...

140. Is that what I think it is?

141. Good God!

142. That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady!

143. - Awesome! - Stop it, Mr. Ash!

144. Bad cat! That is very bad. You stop it right now!

145. - I swear, he is fixed. - I know fixed. That ain't fixed.

146. - No way. - No, listen.

147. You can't let what you see sully your image of them.

148. They are good, decent cats.

149. I've gotta go. I'll be back in an hour.

150. Stop that!

151. The other one's watching.

152. So all we need is a theme...

153. and cups and ice

154. and punch and a cake.

155. Busy.

156. What's that show that she's always talking about?

157. Is this how you are with Pam? She must want to shoot herself.

158. - I could use a little help. - I'm a little busy.

159. We have a lot to do,

160. and you are...

161. putting up a very effeminate sign.

162. - Is that what you've been doing? - It's not effeminate. It's festive.

163. You've been making that for something that we can just announce to the office?

164. Everybody, the party's now at 3:00.

165. I know, I just read it on the sign.

166. Good morning, Viet...

167. Nashua!

168. Sales.

169. Sales is what "bwings" us together today.

170. How...

171. do we deal...

172. with clients who say,

173. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn about paper,"

174. and get them...

175. to show us the money?

176. We are going to find out today.

177. Show of hands. How many of you are salesmen?

178. Let's see the salesmen.

179. I know what the rest of you are thinking.

180. Salesmen are the worst.

181. They are awful.

182. They are so arrogant.

183. They think the whole place revolves around them.

184. Handsome.

185. Good listeners. Funny.

186. Mr. Wonderful. So...

187. You're a salesman. What's your name?

188. A.J.

189. What kind of name is A.J.?

190. What, do you race cars?

191. I'm a salesman. That's why I raised my hand.

192. You're funny.

193. Very good and funny. Tell me, A.J.

194. Are you dating? Is there somebody you date?

195. Why, are you interested?

196. I have a question about discounts from distributors.

197. We will get to you.

198. So you're dating somebody.

199. Is it serious?

200. It's pretty serious.

201. Does she ever talk about me?

202. - Excuse me? - What does this have to do with sales?

203. It's all connected. Shut up.

204. Does she ever mention Michael Scott?

205. What are you talking about?

206. Does it feel good?

207. - Does what feel good? - Your life.

208. Legs are sort of giving out.

209. Long drive in the car. So let's just...

210. We'll just continue.

211. Michael, get off the floor.

212. I can't do this, Pam.

213. Just read... Just read the cards.

214. - Michael, you have to... - No, I'm OK.

215. I'm all right.

216. That was weird.

217. It's all part of the presentation.

218. It was confusing, right?

219. Because confusing situations...

220. happen to us all the time in our jobs.

221. I'm just trying to bridge the gap between what just happened,

222. and the fact that I'm going to be doing the rest of the presentation.

223. Sales is like a box of chocolates.

224. You never know which vendor you're gonna get.

225. Forrest Gump.

226. Blazer...

227. Freckles...

228. Penguin...

229. K.D. Lang...

230. Holly's boyfriend.

231. These mnemonic devices

232. help to make a connection,

233. and then also to help you...

234. memorize names.

235. I have a chainsaw!

236. Cutting down the competition.

237. Where is that bad cat?

238. You know who you are. Excuse me, Petals.

239. I'm looking for Mr. Ash. He's a bad cat.

240. Bad, bad cat.

241. Do you hear me? Bad. You were bad.

242. You look at me when I talk to you. Do you hear me, Mr. Ash?

243. You look at me. I'm talking to you right now.

244. This is getting weird.

245. Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue?

246. - Has this been on the entire time? - I have no idea.

247. I was looking at...

248. pictures of food on my computer.

249. Sorry I'm late.

250. I want to get that image out of my head.

251. The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat

252. are not things I want to go into.

253. Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball.

254. Don't look up.

255. Want some pie?

256. I went through Holly's things.

257. - What? - I stole a sleeve of her sweater.

258. I also stole something off of her computer.

259. A document called "Dear Michael."

260. You did what?

261. I shouldn't have done it. It just... I couldn't help it.

262. She never sent it to you?

263. She didn't.

264. I'm gonna read it.

265. Under no circumstances can you read that letter.

266. It's a violation of her trust.

267. How?

268. - Because she didn't sent it to you. - I know. You're right.

269. I could read it.

270. That wouldn't...

271. - I could read it. - You don't have to do that.

272. Go get your laptop.

273. What?

274. I'm not in love with her.

275. You have to write my suggestions down too.

276. I'm not writing "horse hunt."

277. - I don't even know what that means. - It's in the name.

278. So far...

279. our ideal party consists of...

280. beer, fights to the death,

281. cupcakes, blood pudding, blood,

282. touch football, mating,

283. charades, and yes, horse hunting.

284. Forget horse hunting, it's stupid.

285. Is there a birthday that you remember that you loved?

286. Here's one.

287. It was dark, warm, wet.

288. A sudden burst of light.

289. An intense pressure like I'd never felt before.

290. Father, dressed in white, pulls me forward.

291. - Mother bites the cord. - Stop.

292. Forever stop that story.

293. That's disgusting, and it doesn't count. So give me another one.

294. Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot.

295. It started as a depression-era practicality, and then

296. moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.

297. What about you?

298. When I was seven, my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York.

299. We looked at fossils all day.

300. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops.

301. It was awesome.

302. That's cool. You know what's even cooler than triceratops?

303. Every other dinosaur that ever existed!

304. Didn't see that one coming.

305. It's deleted.

306. Well?

307. She still has feelings for you.

308. She said that?

309. Is that what it said? What did it say?

310. I can't tell you specifically, but...

311. it's not over.

312. You're sure?

313. - Happy birthday. - Surprise!

314. It's not a surprise.

315. - This doesn't look good. - What? You have a cake.

316. You have a delicious cake with your name spelled correctly?

317. - Told you. - You haven't heard our theme.

318. You don't hear a theme.

319. You see it.

320. Why is there a chiclet on my cake?

321. That's the best part. It represents a pillow or a television.

322. - Our theme, if you will... - Because the fun part is

323. you decide on an hour of television or an hour of napping.

324. That's our theme.

325. I love it.

326. OK, good. So what's it gonna be, Kapoor?

327. Can she pick a half hour of each?

328. Then pick TV.

329. - Take a nap. - TV.

330. Watching TV at work is really cool.

331. Take a nap. Nothing good is on right now.

332. Bonnie Hunt is on.

333. I have been watching TV all week. I choose nap.

334. - All right. - OK, nap it is.

335. Everyone out. Get out!

336. We're gonna be eating cake at our desks.

337. Let's go. Move it!

338. Let's go. Come on.

339. I got this.

340. This is for you.

341. And...

342. Happy birthday, Kel.

343. You've got one hour.

344. I'm too excited to sleep.

345. Great cake.

346. Birthday time is over!

347. Go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap.

348. Many happy returns.

349. I feel great.

350. So good to have closure.

351. We should go apologize to Roy or something.

352. - We don't need to. - Who have I wronged?

353. Who have I wronged?

354. What about that fat guy from Stamford that insulted?

355. - We should find him. - You mean Tony.

356. Jabba the Hutt. Pizza the Hut.

357. Fat guys like pizza. Pepperoni pizza. Pepperoni Tony.

358. Man, was he fat.

359. So, so...

360. fat.

361. You know what, forget it. I know me.

362. When I saw him, I'd never be able to apologize to him.

363. Too fat.

364. Big fat fatty.