1. This morning,
the phone guy comes in
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2. and he shows Michael that our
phones have a PA function.
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3. And then he just left.
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4. This is your captain speaking.
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5. The office will be flying at
an altitude of two stories.
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6. Look out your
left-hand window
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7. and you will see
Vance Refrigeration.
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8. I am the ghost of salesmen past.
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9. Do not come near me.
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10. Yes, Michael Scott
for Dr. Johnson, please.
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11. Hello, Doctor. I was just
following up about my mole again.
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12. Now, I was looking online
about sebaceous zits.
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13. I have not been squeezing it.
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14. Could I stick it with a pin?
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15. Toby Flenderson to
the principal's office.
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16. Your mother called and it appears
that you wet the bed again,
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17. so you have to get home to wash
your sheets because they're yellow
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18. and they're wet with your urine.
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19. And, at 6'6",
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20. from the University of North Carolina,
Jim Halpert!
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21. That's pretty funny.
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22. Hey, you know what?
Did I drop my... What the heck?
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23. Is that...
You find it?
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24. I didn't. I'll look
somewhere else.
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25. All right.
All right.
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26. Would you like fries with that?
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27. Please drive around.
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28. Hello?
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29. Good morning.
Good morning.
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30. You ready?
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31. And we're off.
Like a herd of turtles.
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32. Well, Pam and I have eloped.
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33. Actually, we just robbed a bank
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34. and we are on the lam.
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35. No, seriously,
I am on a lecture circuit.
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36. Apparently, Scranton has the best
sales of any regional branch,
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37. so David Wallace has asked me
to go to all the branches
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38. except Nashua.
Still a little bit raw there.
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39. Um... But I am going
to these branches
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40. and I am telling them
my secret recipe for success,
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41. my 11 business herbs and
spices in a sales batter.
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42. Oh, that.
Well, that is Pam.
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43. Pam is coming along as my assistant
and my driver so I can focus.
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44. And I like to pack heavy.
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45. He brought a sled.
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46. No, that is a toboggan.
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47. You never know when you're
going to find a snowy hill.
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48. So...
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49. Every magician
has a hot assistant
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50. and every rock star has a roadie
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51. and Pam is my hot roadie.
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52. Yeah, I love being on the road,
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53. but I especially love
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54. the time and a half pay,
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55. 24 hours a day for three days.
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56. 'Cause I have a mortgage now.
Got to bring home the bucks.
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57. No, don't say "bucks."
It's not ladylike.
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58. Here we go.
Okay, so what we do is we drive all day
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59. and we stay in hotels together at night.
Separate rooms.
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60. Well, that goes without saying.
I'm gonna say it anyway.
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61. Hey, look at what
you're wearing again, Pam.
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62. Have you ever seen a
magician's assistant? That's...
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63. This is a new cardigan.
Kind of blech.
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64. Maybe you could tie it
around your waist
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65. or lose the shirt
underneath or something.
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66. No.
No? All right.
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67. Hi, Kelly.
Screw you.
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68. Excuse me.
That is no way to address a superior.
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69. Oh, yeah?
Screw you, too.
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70. Whoa. What was
that all about?
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71. You forgot her birthday.
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72. It was yesterday.
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73. Go ahead.
Go ahead.
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74. You do it.
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75. Okay.
I insist.
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76. Basically, after Phyllis
blackmailed Angela,
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77. Michael asked them
both to step down
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78. from the Party Planning Committee
because there was too much drama.
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79. What he said was...
Just... Easy.
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80. There was a problem with having one
head of the Party Planning Committee.
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81. She becomes too powerful,
so he appointed two heads.
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82. Party planning?
I am a paper salesman.
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83. This is literally
the stupidest thing
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84. I've ever done in my life.
This is humiliating.
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85. That's on my side.
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86. So this is fun.
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87. My birthday was yesterday,
and everybody forgot.
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88. I got really dressed up and
excited and no one said a word.
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89. There wasn't even a party.
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90. I think sometimes people are really
mean to the hot, popular girl.
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91. Can I turn on the radio?
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92. No, I need silence or
Sam Kinison to prepare.
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93. But then you fall asleep and
there's nothing for me to do.
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94. Then listen to your iPod, Pam.
That's dangerous.
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95. Well, then... Hey,
you know what? Let's just talk.
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96. That's okay. I can...
I'm fine.
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97. I'll just play a song
in my head.
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98. You nervous about
seeing Karen again?
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99. Since she was the other woman?
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100. Actually, you were
the other woman, so...
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101. No, that was a long time ago.
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102. Is that why you're
wearing makeup today?
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103. No, I'm not even
wearing that much.
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104. I hate the idea that
someone out there hates me.
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105. I even hate thinking
that Al-Qaeda hates me.
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106. I think if they got to know me,
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107. they wouldn't hate me.
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108. But Karen knows me and
she still hates me, so...
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109. Oh, this is a nice office.
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110. You don't have to lie.
Through here.
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111. Um, Phyllis?
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112. Who's that?
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113. She's out of your league, Andy.
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114. For your information,
I've been with lots of beautiful women.
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115. Sexually?
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116. This conversation is over.
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117. I am single now.
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118. What we have here is the ultimate
smackdown between the Nard-Dog
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119. and crippling despair,
loneliness and depression.
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120. I intend to win.
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121. We just wanted to say
we are very sorry.
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122. Screw you guys.
You're dead to me.
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123. If you say screw you
one more time...
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124. Yeah, screw you, beet farmer,
I didn't forget your birthday.
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125. I would never do that!
Hey! Hey!
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126. Guys, guys, guys.
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127. We just want to make it up to you.
What can we do?
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128. I guess my only wish would be that
nothing so terrible would ever happen
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129. to anyone else ever again.
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130. Oh, God.
Okay.
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131. In a way, it's good that it happened
to me because at least I can bear it.
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132. What kind of cake
do you want, imbecile?
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133. Ice cream.
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134. Okay, point at
the Dunder Mifflin.
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135. Hello, Rolando,
how are you? Hi.
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136. Rolando,
I'd like you to meet Pam.
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137. She is our receptionist.
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138. You know what?
Maybe
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139. you guys could go out on a
little friend date sometime.
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140. You're late. Everyone's
waiting in the conference room.
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141. Karen will be right here
to take you over. Okay.
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142. Don't be nervous.
Just picture her naked.
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143. Stop it.
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144. That's what I do.
Steal my trick.
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145. - Please cut it out.
- Hey.
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146. Hi, guys.
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147. Oh, my God.
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148. Is that Jim's?
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149. - What?
- Michael!
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150. Of course not.
Okay.
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151. Wow. Oh, man.
My head just exploded.
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152. Whoo! Thank God
for everybody, right?
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153. Wow, you're huge!
That's incredible.
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154. I... God, sorry, sorry.
My head is... I'm just...
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155. I'm trying to figure out the last
time that you and Jim had sex, and...
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156. Let's just get this over with,
shall we? Okay. Mmm-hmm.
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157. Ten? Ten months?
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158. Are you kidding?
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159. Well, I'm not done yet.
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160. Dwight, this fits in
the palm of my hand.
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161. You haven't blown
them up enough.
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162. Why have you chosen
brown and gray balloons?
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163. They match the carpet.
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164. What is that?
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165. "It is your birthday," period.
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166. It's a statement of fact.
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167. Not even an exclamation point?
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168. This is more professional.
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169. It's not like she discovered
a cure for cancer.
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170. I can't believe
how bad this looks.
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171. Are you trying to
hurt my feelings?
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172. Because, if so,
you are succeeding.
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173. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate
at twice the speed of a normal mars.
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174. Okay, good then.
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175. Have you collected
the money from everyone?
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176. I am working on it.
How much do you have?
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177. $6.
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178. That's how much you and I contributed!
Damn it, Jim!
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179. I said I was working on it.
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180. Trying to see
what CDs she's got.
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181. It's good to know the deets
about the girl you're wooing.
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182. Uh... Ah-ha!
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183. Feist! Yes!
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184. No!
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185. Oh, my God.
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186. Oh, no. That is so awful.
That is the worst news.
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187. I have to go.
I have to do a presentation.
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188. I'll talk to you...
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189. This is going to be
hard for me to speak today,
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190. because I just learned
that my father has died.
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191. No, he didn't.
He is alive.
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192. And this isn't even a cell phone.
This is a calculator,
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193. but you bought it and
now you can't return it.
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194. Or can you?
No, you can't.
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195. Yes, Karen?
Do you need to go pump?
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196. Not gonna have to do that
until after I have the baby.
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197. No, I am wondering what
are you talking about?
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198. I am talking about how you all
need to sell an experience.
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199. Like I sold you on the idea
that my father had died.
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200. But now we think you're a liar.
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201. Would a liar bring
mini Mounds bars?
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202. I am a theatrical person.
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203. Growing up I always thought
I would become an actor
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204. because I have these
memorization tricks that I use.
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205. Um...
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206. For instance, I learned
the Pledge of Allegiance
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207. by setting it to the
tune of Old MacDonald.
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208. I pledge allegiance to the
flag of the United States of America
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209. And to the republic
for which it stands
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210. One nation under God
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211. With a woof-woof here
And a woof-woof there
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212. Here a woof, there a woof
Everywhere a woof-woof
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213. You get it.
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214. I don't know you. But I need to
know you in order to sell to you.
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215. That is why I've asked you to go
around and tell me your names.
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216. I have an amazing
mnemonic device
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217. by which I have now
memorized all of your names.
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218. Shirty, mole, lazy eye,
Mexico, baldy,
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219. sugar boobs, black woman.
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220. I have taken a unique
part of who you are
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221. and I have used that
to memorize your name.
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222. Baldy, your head is bald,
it is hairless,
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223. it is shiny, it is reflective,
like a mirror.
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224. "M," your name is Mark.
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225. Yes.
Got it. It works!
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226. Uh, it's very insulting.
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227. But it works.
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228. I would like you all to give
this a shot. What do you say?
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229. But we already know
each other's names.
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230. Well, then it will be
easier for you.
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231. But I still think it's
worthwhile to give it a try.
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232. Okay, all right, everyone.
Meeting's over.
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233. But I still have more.
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234. Can I please see you
in my office, please?
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235. She is pregnant.
She is knocked up. "K," Karen.
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236. Pam, let's go.
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237. I can't accept
these prices, Stanley.
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238. They just cut our budget.
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239. Brought you guys some coffees.
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240. Stanley, I know you have
adult-onset diabetes,
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241. so I put Splenda in yours.
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242. Let's see, how many
did I put in there?
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243. One, two, three,
four Splendas in your coffee, Stanley
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244. None in yours, Julia,
because I don't know how you take it
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245. But if you'd rather...
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246. Four Splenda?
Are you crazy?
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247. No, I actually only put in two,
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248. but that's not how
the song goes.
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249. Are you out of your damn mind?
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250. Are you out of your damn mind?
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251. You bring an angel like
that into this office
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252. and you don't even
set me up with her.
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253. We're not friends.
I didn't think about it.
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254. We are friends.
Stanley, we're friends.
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255. And you let me down.
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256. You really like her, huh?
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257. Yeah, I really like her
with all my heart.
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258. Give me two clients for her.
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259. I grab this,
and I turn it on and I say,
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260. "Prepare yourself for the
Utica Chain Store Massacre."
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261. No, that is
incredibly dangerous.
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262. No, don't worry,
the chain is off.
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263. No, it's not.
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264. You know, I think I'm just
going to distill all of this
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265. and send it in
an e-mail to my team.
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266. E-mail's not scary.
This is an opportunity. Don't blow it.
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267. So, when are you due?
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268. Uh, in about a month.
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269. Wow, that is wonderful.
Congratulations.
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270. Thank you. It just
all happened so fast.
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271. It's really amazing.
Congratulations, Karen. Thanks.
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272. So is there a guy or a person
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273. or a sperm machine
that did this to you or...
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274. Yes, Michael.
My husband impregnated me.
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275. Great.
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276. His name is Dan.
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277. This is us. We're so dorky.
That's cute.
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278. Yes, thank you.
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279. He's a dermatologist.
We met at a bar. Can you believe that?
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280. What is happening there?
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281. Oh, yeah,
don't even... That's really dorky.
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282. It's really sweet.
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283. No, it's really dorky.
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284. You were right the first time.
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285. So how are things in Scranton?
How's Jim?
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286. They're good.
Jim's good.
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287. We're engaged.
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288. That's so great.
That's great.
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289. Thank you.
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290. Oh, my God.
I'm so happy for you.
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291. Oh, wow. Thank you.
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292. Old hatreds dissolve
into new friendships.
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293. This is really
a wonderful moment.
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294. I have to take care
of a couple of things,
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295. so Andy will be
taking over things here.
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296. You are in good hands and
give my best to your mother.
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297. So, Julia, um, let's see.
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298. With regards to billing,
should we send bills
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299. to you or to your
boyfriend's house, or...
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300. No, it can go straight
to our business address.
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301. Oh, okay. All right.
That makes sense.
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302. How does your boyfriend deal
with your phenomenal success?
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303. Is he just, like,
totally threatened by you, or...
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304. Actually, I don't
have a boyfriend.
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305. Really? Is that...
Wow, that's so weird.
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306. Guys, stop everything.
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307. I'm about to ask out this girl
and I'm completely panicking.
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308. Oh, my desk is over...
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309. This gal, she's really into you?
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310. Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
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311. I've seen her like
three times today
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312. and we love all the same music
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313. and whenever I walk into a
room she totally looks up.
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314. All right, say no more.
This is how I got Squeaky Fromme.
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315. No small talk.
Just show her who's the boss.
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316. Just go right in and kiss her.
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317. Okay, it sounds risky.
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318. Have I ever steered
you wrong, Jim?
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319. Wait, what?
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320. I would give that
lecture a solid B-plus.
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321. Although, for the record,
Karen, wow, kind of mean.
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322. I like her.
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323. Really? No, honestly.
Tell me what you really think.
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324. I'm serious.
I'm really glad I came.
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325. Why?
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326. Because, um...
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327. Because I'll never wonder ever
again if I did something wrong,
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328. and now I have closure.
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329. She's happy,
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330. and, I don't know,
it feels good.
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331. Thanks for walking me out.
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332. Oh, my pleasure. Yeah, there's all
kinds of weirdo's out here, so...
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333. You must be freezing.
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334. I am about to die.
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335. Will you wait here
while I go get my jacket?
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336. No, it's okay.
This is my car.
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337. Okay. Okay.
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338. Well, listen,
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339. you're a new client and
as one of my new clients
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340. you will always be taken care of
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341. and that is
the Nard-Dog guarantee.
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342. What's a Nard-Dog?
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343. This is the Nard-Dog.
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344. Whoa! What the hell?
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345. Oh...
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346. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
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347. I thought we had this energy
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348. and I'm a mess and I
just had my heart broken
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349. and you came in today
and you're so pretty.
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350. You're, like, incredibly pretty.
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351. I just got out of a relationship, too.
It's really hard.
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352. Yeah, right? Wow.
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353. Do you want to talk about it?
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354. Go to a mall or something,
just walk around?
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355. No, I don't think so.
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356. Sure, yeah, you're right.
It's too soon.
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357. Definitely too soon for me,
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358. so I'm glad we got
that out of the way.
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359. I'm going to be in touch
with you in three months.
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360. I'm going to call you
about that order.
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361. And maybe about that mall walk.
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362. Okay.
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363. Take care, Julia.
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364. Thank you.
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365. Sorry I tried to kiss...
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366. We lost the account.
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367. Damn it!
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368. - Dwight Schrute.
- How old is Kelly?
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369. Who is this?
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370. It's Mose.
Who do you think it is?
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371. Mose doesn't know how to use a phone,
so joke's on you.
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372. Look, I'm at the supermarket and
they only have numbered candles.
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373. How old is she?
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374. Twenty-four.
Thirty-seven.
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375. Do you think I'm calling you
for your best approximation?
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376. I'll call you back.
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377. I have here Kelly Kapoor's
personal and confidential file.
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378. Allow me to share.
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379. "Kelly Kapoor spent April
1995 to December 1996"
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380. "at Berks County
Youth Center."
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381. Juvie.
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382. "According to past employers, it in no
way affects her job..." Blah, blah, blah.
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383. Are you asleep?
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384. No.
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385. Just thinking about
what you said.
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386. About Karen, about closure.
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387. You remember Holly?
She used to work for HR.
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388. No, remind me.
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389. Blonde hair,
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390. nice boobs.
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391. Not too big, not too small.
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392. Perfect boobs.
Of course I remember Holly.
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393. She was the love of my life.
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394. What you and Jim have times a hundred.
Just... She...
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395. She just left and I didn't...
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396. I never got closure.
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397. You know? I never
got closure with her.
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398. I haven't talked to her since.
I haven't seen her since.
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399. And I feel like I need to go
to Nashua and get closure.
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400. I feel like I need that.
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401. Okay. Let's go.
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402. Oh, just blow off
the lecture at Rochester?
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403. Yeah. Screw them,
let's do this.
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404. Okay.
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405. I am collecting $3 from
everybody for Kelly's party.
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406. I'd like to contribute.
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407. Oh, great.
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408. Here you go.
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