1. Last week,
I gave a fire safety talk,Copy !req
2. And nobody paid any attention.Copy !req
3. It's my own fault
for using PowerPoint.Copy !req
4. PowerPoint is boring.Copy !req
5. People learn in
lots of different ways,Copy !req
6. but experience is
the best teacher.Copy !req
7. Today, smoking is
going to save lives.Copy !req
8. Does anyone
smell anything smoky?Copy !req
9. Did you bring
your jerky in again?Copy !req
10. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!Copy !req
11. Fire!Copy !req
12. Oh, fire! Oh, my goodness.
What's the procedure?Copy !req
13. What do we do, people?
The phones are dead.Copy !req
14. Oh. How did that happen?Copy !req
15. It's out in the hall.Copy !req
16. No. We don't know that.Copy !req
17. The smoke could be coming
through an air duct.Copy !req
18. Oh, my God!
Okay, it's happening.Copy !req
19. Everybody stay calm.
Everybody stay calm!Copy !req
20. What's the procedure, everyone?Copy !req
21. What's the procedure?
Stay... calm!Copy !req
22. Everybody just... calm down!Copy !req
23. No, no, Michael, no!
Touch the handle.Copy !req
24. If it's hot there could
be a fire in the hallway!Copy !req
25. What does warm mean? Oh, my gosh.
Try a different door.Copy !req
26. Not a viable option.
What next?Copy !req
27. - Don't run!
- Try the other door.Copy !req
28. Here's a door.
Check that one out. How's the handle?Copy !req
29. It's warm. Okay,
go to the back door.Copy !req
30. Well, another option.
Another option.Copy !req
31. Jeez! Okay,
settle down, everyone!Copy !req
32. I forgot my purse!Copy !req
33. Leave it, woman!Copy !req
34. Get out of the way!
Go, go, go, go, go!Copy !req
35. Things can be replaced, Phyllis!Copy !req
36. People, human lives, however...Copy !req
37. My hand! That's hot!Copy !req
38. This one's hot, too.Copy !req
39. Okay, we're trapped.
Everyone for himself!Copy !req
40. Let's go! Let's go!
Get out of my way!Copy !req
41. Okay. Okay. Okay!Copy !req
42. Get out of the way!Copy !req
43. Have you ever
seen a burn victim?Copy !req
44. Move it!Copy !req
45. Okay!
Procedure! Procedure!Copy !req
46. Exit options!
Where do we go, folks?Copy !req
47. Use a what to cover the mouth?
It's okay.Copy !req
48. A what? A rag,
a damp rag perhaps.Copy !req
49. Let's remember those procedures.
What are the options?Copy !req
50. Okay! That's the wrong way.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.Copy !req
51. We've already tried that.
Remember your exit points.Copy !req
52. Exit points, people.
Oscar?Copy !req
53. What's next, huh?
Oscar!Copy !req
54. Stay alive, I'm getting help!Copy !req
55. Pull me up!Copy !req
56. You're too heavy.Copy !req
57. I only weigh 82 pounds.Copy !req
58. Save Bandit!Copy !req
59. How about 911? Anyone? 911?Copy !req
60. What do we do?Copy !req
61. Use the surge of
fear and adrenalineCopy !req
62. to sharpen your decision making.Copy !req
63. Okay, I am not dying here.
Come on.Copy !req
64. What is that?
What is that?Copy !req
65. The fire's shooting at us!Copy !req
66. What in the name of God
is going on?Copy !req
67. I'm trying to...Copy !req
68. Help! Help!Copy !req
69. Oh, my God!Copy !req
70. Attention!
Employees of Dunder Mifflin!Copy !req
71. This has been a test of
our emergency preparedness.Copy !req
72. There's no fire.
It was only a simulation.Copy !req
73. What?Copy !req
74. Fire not real.
This was merely a training exercise.Copy !req
75. So what have we learned?Copy !req
76. Oh, come on.
It's not real, Stanley.Copy !req
77. Oh, my God.Copy !req
78. Don't have a heart attack.Copy !req
79. No, no, no, no,
you will not die!Copy !req
80. Stanley! Stanley!
You will not die! Stanley!Copy !req
81. Stanley! Barack is President!Copy !req
82. You are black, Stanley!
I'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth.Copy !req
83. No, no, no.
Don't give him mouth-to-mouth for this.Copy !req
84. He just swallowed his tongue.Copy !req
85. Michael! Michael!
Open your mouth. Don't swallow it!Copy !req
86. I'm fine! Leave me...
I'm saving him!Copy !req
87. How could you possibly
think this is a good idea?Copy !req
88. A lot of ideas were not
appreciated in their time.Copy !req
89. Electricity.
Shampoo.Copy !req
90. You could have burned down
the whole building.Copy !req
91. I just want to say, for the record,
I did not kill anyone.Copy !req
92. Stanley was attacked
by his own heart.Copy !req
93. And he should be
released from the hospitalCopy !req
94. and back in the office
in a couple days.Copy !req
95. Did you shout "fire,"
causing a panic?Copy !req
96. Yes, I shouted "fire."
I shouted many things.Copy !req
97. I also shouted instructions on
how to get out of the building.Copy !req
98. So you can imagine my frustration,
as safety officer,Copy !req
99. when nobody would heed of...Copy !req
100. Heeded... Heeded of...
"Head."Head."Copy !req
101. When no one headed...
"Take headed of."Copy !req
102. No one would take headed
of my instructions.Copy !req
103. So you...
"Heed."Heed."Copy !req
104. "Take heed of."
"Take heed of."Copy !req
105. And I don't see my co-workers
heeding this right now.Copy !req
106. Wait, what?Copy !req
107. Okay.Copy !req
108. The city.Copy !req
109. Dwight.Copy !req
110. We are not mad,
we are just disappointed.Copy !req
111. No, we are mad.Copy !req
112. Yes, we are.
We are livid.Copy !req
113. But we are going to
let this one slide.Copy !req
114. Thank you.
No, we're not.Copy !req
115. I am not a mind reader, David.Copy !req
116. Look, this is
a very serious offense.Copy !req
117. We have cause to fire you.Copy !req
118. Can you shove down?Copy !req
119. Instead...
Shove down, please.Copy !req
120. Instead what I think
we should do isCopy !req
121. strip you of your title
as safety officer. No.Copy !req
122. And we should take
a part of his payCopy !req
123. and donate it to the
charity of your choice.Copy !req
124. Something that
Dwight doesn't like.Copy !req
125. PETA.Copy !req
126. Michael, you have to
take responsibility here.Copy !req
127. One of your employees
had a heart attack.Copy !req
128. He could have died
because of the wayCopy !req
129. you're allowing
your office to run.Copy !req
130. Do you want that
on your conscience?Copy !req
131. Do you?Copy !req
132. Michael?
Are you talking to me?Copy !req
133. Yeah.Copy !req
134. What?Copy !req
135. Well, I guess we papered
over that pretty nicely.Copy !req
136. Always amuses me when corporate
thinks they can make some big changeCopy !req
137. with a 20-minute meeting
in some fancy high rise.Copy !req
138. What's the matter?
Are you hungry?Copy !req
139. No, Dwight, I am worried.Copy !req
140. A man's life is in my hands.Copy !req
141. Now don't you worry about that.Copy !req
142. I got it covered. Okay?Copy !req
143. I am planning a bomb scare that
should really get the blood pumping.Copy !req
144. That's not going to happen.Copy !req
145. I'm taking over as safety man.Copy !req
146. What? You?
Yes.Copy !req
147. Come on.
I'm a smart guy.Copy !req
148. That's preposterous.
I'll figure it out. No. I will.Copy !req
149. Nobody should have to
go to work thinking,Copy !req
150. "Oh, this is the place
that I might die today."Copy !req
151. That's what a hospital's for.Copy !req
152. An office is for not dying.Copy !req
153. An office is a place to live life
to the fullest, to the max. To...Copy !req
154. An office is a place
where dreams come true.Copy !req
155. Don't excite him.
Don't make him excitable.Copy !req
156. Welcome back, Stanley.Copy !req
157. Thank you, Michael.Copy !req
158. It's true,
around this office in the pastCopy !req
159. I have been a little
abrupt with people.Copy !req
160. Not maybe, yes or no.Copy !req
161. No way. Uh-uh.Copy !req
162. Are you from another planet?Copy !req
163. Boy, have you lost your mind?Copy !req
164. Because I'll help you find it!Copy !req
165. Did I stutter?Copy !req
166. I'm done. Goodbye.Copy !req
167. But the doctor said
if I can't find a new wayCopy !req
168. to relate more positively to my
surroundings, I'm going to die.Copy !req
169. Andy.Copy !req
170. A throne for your highness.Copy !req
171. I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.Copy !req
172. No, no, no.
No debate.Copy !req
173. You are going to
sit in that wheelchairCopy !req
174. until you are back on your feet.Copy !req
175. I'm going to die.Copy !req
176. ABC, okay?Copy !req
177. And that stands for "Airway,
Breathing and Circulation."Copy !req
178. Okay. You know what?
That could be a little confusing,Copy !req
179. because in sales ABC
means "Always Be Closing."Copy !req
180. This is a farce.
I should be teaching this course.Copy !req
181. Shut it. Shut it.Copy !req
182. We found ourselves on the
less prepared side of thingsCopy !req
183. when Stanley had his...Copy !req
184. When his heart went berserk.Copy !req
185. And I knew exactly what to do.Copy !req
186. But in a much more real sense,
I had no idea what to do.Copy !req
187. So I thought we should have
a CPR training class.Copy !req
188. And of course you can't
get the practice dummyCopy !req
189. unless the instructor
comes along with it.Copy !req
190. Red Cross and their racket.Copy !req
191. I can't keep doing this forever.Copy !req
192. It's been 20 seconds.Copy !req
193. Call it.Copy !req
194. Would you like to try next?Copy !req
195. Absolutely I would not.Copy !req
196. You know who I really think should go?Copy !req
197. Stanley.Copy !req
198. Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
199. It's not a good idea, Michael.
He needs to rest.Copy !req
200. No rest for the sick.Copy !req
201. We are not always
going to be thereCopy !req
202. to coddle your heart back when
it disappears to be working.Copy !req
203. What are you going to do if you're
by yourself and your heart stops?Copy !req
204. I would die.Copy !req
205. And you're okay with that?Copy !req
206. I'm okay with the logic of it.Copy !req
207. Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on.
Get up. Let's do this.Copy !req
208. Yes, I had a heart attack.Copy !req
209. I would quit,
but I'm too old to find another job.Copy !req
210. And I don't have
enough saved to retire.Copy !req
211. I feel like I'm
working in my own casket.Copy !req
212. Come on, Stanley!
You're losing you!Copy !req
213. You're losing you! Do it!Copy !req
214. This is you we're talking about.Copy !req
215. Michael.Copy !req
216. Okay, okay,
I'll show them. Here we go.Copy !req
217. - All right.
- So assessing the situation.Copy !req
218. Are they breathing?Copy !req
219. No, Rose.
They are not breathing.Copy !req
220. And they have no arms or legs.Copy !req
221. No, that's not part of it.Copy !req
222. Where are they?Copy !req
223. You know what?
If we come across somebodyCopy !req
224. with no arms or legs,
do we bother resuscitating them?Copy !req
225. I mean, what kind of quality
of life do we have there?Copy !req
226. I would want to
live with no legs.Copy !req
227. How about no arms?Copy !req
228. No arms or legs is basically
how you exist right now, Kevin.Copy !req
229. You don't do anything.Copy !req
230. All right. Well, let's get back
to it, because you're losing him.Copy !req
231. Okay, too fast.Copy !req
232. Everyone, we need to pump at a
pace of 100 beats per minute.Copy !req
233. Okay. That's hard to keep track.
How many is that per hour?Copy !req
234. How is that going to help you?Copy !req
235. I will divide and then count to it.
Right.Copy !req
236. Okay, well, a good trickCopy !req
237. is to pump to the tune of
Staying Alive by the Bee Gees.Copy !req
238. Do you know that song?Copy !req
239. Yes, yes. I do.
I love that song.Copy !req
240. First I was afraid,
I was petrifiedCopy !req
241. No, it's...Copy !req
242. Stayin' alive, stayin' aliveCopy !req
243. Okay. That's enough.
You were in the parking lot earlier.Copy !req
244. That's how I know you.Copy !req
245. Stayin' alive, stayin' aliveCopy !req
246. Stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Stayin' alive, stayin' aliveCopy !req
247. Well, you can tell by
the way I use my walkCopy !req
248. I'm a woman's man,
no time to talkCopy !req
249. Music loud, women warm Been
kicked around since I was bornCopy !req
250. Well, it's all right It's okayCopy !req
251. You can look the other wayCopy !req
252. Okay! Okay!Copy !req
253. Stayin' alive, stayin' aliveCopy !req
254. Yeah. Okay, you didn't maintain
a hundred beats per minute.Copy !req
255. And the ambulance didn't arrive
because nobody called 911.Copy !req
256. So you lost him.Copy !req
257. Okay, he's dead.
Anyone know what we do next?Copy !req
258. Anybody? Rose?Copy !req
259. I have no idea.
Anyone else?Copy !req
260. We bury him. Wrong!
Check for an organ donor card.Copy !req
261. If he has one,
we only have minutes to harvest.Copy !req
262. He has no wallet, I checked.Copy !req
263. He is an organ donor.
He is?Copy !req
264. Get me some ice
and Styrofoam bucket.Copy !req
265. Here we go.Copy !req
266. - Oh, my God!
- Dwight!Copy !req
267. Dwight!Copy !req
268. Dwight, what are you...Copy !req
269. What are you doing?Copy !req
270. We search for the organs.
Where's the heart? The precious heart.Copy !req
271. I'm not feeling well.
I need to sit down.Copy !req
272. Stanley.Copy !req
273. Hey, Stanley.
Stanley.Copy !req
274. Are you okay?Copy !req
275. Oh, my God!Copy !req
276. Oh, my God!Copy !req
277. Dwight!
Clarice.Copy !req
278. Oh, my God.Copy !req
279. Can you tell me why you had
to cut the face off the dummy?Copy !req
280. I didn't think it was very
realistic in the movie,Copy !req
281. and it turns out
it's pretty realistic.Copy !req
282. We had to pay for it.
It cost us $3,500.Copy !req
283. $5,300 for a dummy?
Wow.Copy !req
284. Well, okay, look.Copy !req
285. David, this is
why we have training.Copy !req
286. We start with the dummy and
we learn from our mistakes.Copy !req
287. And now Dwight knows not to cut
the face off of a real person.Copy !req
288. Hope you brought your apetitos,
my lady, my Tuna.Copy !req
289. A little movie popcorn.Copy !req
290. Damn it.Copy !req
291. This movie, a lot of buzz.Copy !req
292. Not coming out
for another six months.Copy !req
293. Mrs. Albert Hanaday.Copy !req
294. So the friendship with the
Nard-Dog has its privileges.Copy !req
295. We don't normally
download films illegallyCopy !req
296. because we're honest,
hard-working people.Copy !req
297. And we don't know how.Copy !req
298. But Andy does,
so we have to watch it with him.Copy !req
299. Punishment fits the crime.Copy !req
300. I want you to meet my Nana.
Nana, this is Sam.Copy !req
301. Hi. Nice to meet you,
Mrs. Hanaday.Copy !req
302. Please, call me Lily.Copy !req
303. Let's play bridge.
You can be my partner.Copy !req
304. All right, Lily.Copy !req
305. What's going on?Copy !req
306. No one really knows,
but Pam's parents are going throughCopy !req
307. a little bit of a rough
patch in their marriage.Copy !req
308. My dad spent the night
at our place last night.Copy !req
309. My parents have been fighting
for weeks and it kind of sucks.Copy !req
310. Jim's been great.Copy !req
311. But I'm going to need
to buy my dad a robe.Copy !req
312. He's not saying
what he needs to say.Copy !req
313. Hmm?Copy !req
314. Who? Jack Black?Copy !req
315. Yeah.Copy !req
316. I mean, they just need to communicate,
you know.Copy !req
317. If they said to each other what they're
saying to everyone else, then...Copy !req
318. Hmm.Copy !req
319. Jim and Pam are
like movie geniuses.Copy !req
320. They're catching things that
are totally going over my head.Copy !req
321. Hi, everyone.Copy !req
322. Corporate has given
Dwight two strikes.Copy !req
323. They are very,
very upset with him.Copy !req
324. So, as a disciplinary measure,Copy !req
325. he is going to have to
issue a formal apology.Copy !req
326. Dwight, have you prepared
your statement of regret?Copy !req
327. I have.
Let's hear it.Copy !req
328. I state my regret.Copy !req
329. You couldn't have
memorized that?Copy !req
330. I could not
because I do not feel it.Copy !req
331. Okay, everyone,
I'm going to need youCopy !req
332. to sign this statement of regretCopy !req
333. as an acknowledgment
that you heard it.Copy !req
334. Okay? Everyone come on up here.
It's not a big deal.Copy !req
335. It is a big deal.
You almost killed Stanley.Copy !req
336. Yeah, right. I filled him full
of butter and sugar for 50 yearsCopy !req
337. and forced him not to exercise.Copy !req
338. Now take a lesson from StanleyCopy !req
339. and jog on up here
and sign this. Okay?Copy !req
340. Make a line.
Just form a line right here.Copy !req
341. Sign it! Sign it now!Copy !req
342. Hi, Dad.Copy !req
343. Yeah, Jim has shaving cream.Copy !req
344. Check our bathroom.Copy !req
345. Lily?Copy !req
346. I'm in here.Copy !req
347. I... I'm sorry.
I didn'tCopy !req
348. realize you were in the bath.Copy !req
349. Do you want me to go?Copy !req
350. I want you to stay.Copy !req
351. Oh, boy.Copy !req
352. Oh, man.Copy !req
353. You know,
Lily was supposed to be Nicole Kidman.Copy !req
354. And it was going to be Sophie's mom,
not grandmother.Copy !req
355. But then Nicole Kidman
dropped out,Copy !req
356. so they went with
Cloris Leachman,Copy !req
357. - with a small rewrite.
- Just give me your handCopy !req
358. and get that in there.Copy !req
359. Help me pull it around.Copy !req
360. Oh, yeah.
You did that one already.Copy !req
361. I know,
but if I get it deeper...Copy !req
362. What is...Copy !req
363. He was pretty
talkative at breakfast.Copy !req
364. What?Copy !req
365. Breakfast?Copy !req
366. You mean when they
were eating soup?Copy !req
367. I don't think
that was breakfast.Copy !req
368. Unless soup...
Does soup symbolize breakfast?Copy !req
369. So he doesn't share
with his daughter,Copy !req
370. but he shares with
his daughter's fiance?Copy !req
371. You guys, they're making out.Copy !req
372. Hey.
Hey.Copy !req
373. Did my dad say
anything about my mom?Copy !req
374. No. We mostly just
talked about cereal.Copy !req
375. What?Copy !req
376. I don't know.Copy !req
377. I mean, maybe he'll talk to
you about some of the stuffCopy !req
378. 'cause he can't
really talk to me about it.Copy !req
379. Mmm...
You're good to talk to.Copy !req
380. I'm okay.
I'm not great. And...Copy !req
381. Everybody sit on the floor,
Indian-style like me.Copy !req
382. My God,
if you're wearing a dress,Copy !req
383. please keep your knees together,
nobody wants to see that.Copy !req
384. My goal is to make
this office as peacefulCopy !req
385. a place for Stanley Hudson
as I can.Copy !req
386. And I think sounds have
a lot to do with that.Copy !req
387. Here are some downloaded
peaceful sounds.Copy !req
388. That one makes me thinkCopy !req
389. of death.Copy !req
390. It's kind of nice.Copy !req
391. It is a beautiful, sunny dayCopy !req
392. as we walk through the meadow.Copy !req
393. That is very
spiritual and relaxing.Copy !req
394. And there are flowers and
it is sunny and beautiful.Copy !req
395. Now, up ahead,
a castle in the distance.Copy !req
396. Don't open your eyes.
What? Oh.Copy !req
397. And you walk up
toward the castle.Copy !req
398. And inside the castle
are four men,Copy !req
399. and each of them...Copy !req
400. None of them have shoes.Copy !req
401. And they give you
a funny cigaretteCopy !req
402. and you feel even more relaxed,Copy !req
403. and then you want ice cream.Copy !req
404. You want a big bowl
of ice cream.Copy !req
405. So what kind of ice cream do you want?
Yell it out.Copy !req
406. Chunky Monkey.Copy !req
407. Too expensive.
Chocolate.Copy !req
408. Racism is dead, Stanley.Copy !req
409. You can have any kind
of ice cream you want.Copy !req
410. What do you want?Copy !req
411. What is that?
People, please,Copy !req
412. I told you to get rid
of the cell phones.Copy !req
413. It's my bio-feedback machine.Copy !req
414. Oh, okay. What is that,
like a video game?Copy !req
415. It alerts me when my stress level
goes up, so I can try to calm down.Copy !req
416. You have stress?Copy !req
417. Yes.Copy !req
418. During our relaxation exercise?Copy !req
419. Let me get you some water.Copy !req
420. No, no, I'll help you up.
I'll help you up.Copy !req
421. Here we go. Here we go.
Let me get you up.Copy !req
422. No, Michael.
Would you step back?Copy !req
423. Please, please.
Okay. All right.Copy !req
424. - A little further.
- Okay.Copy !req
425. That's better.Copy !req
426. Okay.Copy !req
427. I think that thing
is on the fritz.Copy !req
428. Oscar, would you reach over
and touch his thing?Copy !req
429. That's what he said.
Right, guys? Because of gay.Copy !req
430. Let's give this a shot.Copy !req
431. Hello!Copy !req
432. Michael, I think you're what's
stressing everybody out.Copy !req
433. So it wasn't Dwight after all.Copy !req
434. Looks like I'm the killer.Copy !req
435. You never expect
that you're the killer.Copy !req
436. It's a great twist.
Great twist.Copy !req
437. Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.Copy !req
438. Oh. Hey, Mom. No.Copy !req
439. What did Dad say?Copy !req
440. What did you say to my dad?Copy !req
441. What?Copy !req
442. After you talked,
he called my momCopy !req
443. and said he was gonna look
for an apartment.Copy !req
444. Oh, my God.
Pam, I don't know. I...Copy !req
445. Nothing, truly nothing.Copy !req
446. I mean,
I just was honest with him and I...Copy !req
447. I'm so sorry. I don't know.
I'll call him again.Copy !req
448. 50 percent of marriages
end in divorce,Copy !req
449. so it was her parents
or my parents.Copy !req
450. What could Jim have said to make
my dad want to leave my mom?Copy !req
451. And at what point in our marriage
is he gonna say it to me?Copy !req
452. I don't get it.Copy !req
453. Do I stress you out?Copy !req
454. Nothing stresses me out.Copy !req
455. Except having to seek
the approval of my inferiors.Copy !req
456. Speaking of which...Copy !req
457. Remember when
people used to say "boss"Copy !req
458. when they were describing
something that was really cool?Copy !req
459. Like, "Those shoulder pads
are really boss, man."Copy !req
460. "Look at that perm.
That perm is so boss."Copy !req
461. It's what made me
want to become a boss.Copy !req
462. And I looked so good
in a perm and shoulder pads.Copy !req
463. But now boss is just slang
for "jerk in charge."Copy !req
464. Okay, everybody,
I figured it out.Copy !req
465. The reason that you are
all so stressed around meCopy !req
466. is that you are too intimidatedCopy !req
467. to tell me
what you really think.Copy !req
468. You are keeping these feelings
inside and that is causing stress.Copy !req
469. So, what is the solution?Copy !req
470. Solution is honesty,
laughter and comedy.Copy !req
471. In short...
A vacation.Copy !req
472. What? No. No. I'm talking
about a roast of Michael Scott.Copy !req
473. Come on. Who here has the
Comedy Central Roast Channel?Copy !req
474. You've seen it, right?Copy !req
475. Everybody gets together and you
start hurling insults at the one guy,Copy !req
476. and everybody's laughing and
everybody is hugging each other.Copy !req
477. Michael, are you serious?
Do you really want us to roast you?Copy !req
478. That's offensive.
It's not!Copy !req
479. It's not offensive during a roast.
Anything goes.Copy !req
480. And I want you guys to
really get cracking on this.Copy !req
481. I want you to take me down.
Don't hold back.Copy !req
482. I want you to really make fun
of anything about me.Copy !req
483. It could be my race,
could be the fact that I'm so fit,Copy !req
484. or I'm a womanizer,
fair game. Whatever.Copy !req
485. I don't want to write
your stuff for you,Copy !req
486. but I just want it to be good.Copy !req
487. Oh, my God.
Oh, man. Oh, my God.Copy !req
488. I consider myself a good person,Copy !req
489. but I'm gonna try
to make him cry.Copy !req
490. I can already feel
people's stress starting to melt.Copy !req
491. I think they're very excited about
paying their respects this way.Copy !req
492. I've got to make sure that
YouTube comes down to tape this.Copy !req
493. May I have your attention,
please? Sign in.Copy !req
494. Sign in on the sign-in sheet,
the clipboard.Copy !req
495. This meeting is mandatory,Copy !req
496. if you do not sign in,
your name will not be counted.Copy !req
497. Thank you.Copy !req
498. Hey, this is
your apology letter.Copy !req
499. It was the last signature
I needed.Copy !req
500. Welcome, welcome,
welcome, welcome, welcome!Copy !req
501. You are all jerks.Copy !req
502. Just kidding.
Not yet, anyway.Copy !req
503. Welcome to the roast
of Mr. Michael Scott.Copy !req
504. If you are here for
the Grabowski wedding,Copy !req
505. it is the second door
on the left.Copy !req
506. So, we all know how these work.Copy !req
507. It needs to get crazy.
Take your best shot.Copy !req
508. I'm going to sit
right over chair.Copy !req
509. And whoever wants to come up
and roast me, you may. Okay.Copy !req
510. Lower the mike for the midget.Copy !req
511. If you ever wondered whether
you were Michael Scott,Copy !req
512. here's a quiz to help.Copy !req
513. If you ever put sun block on a window,
you might be Michael Scott.Copy !req
514. I normally don't enjoy
making people laugh.Copy !req
515. If you ever called
the fire departmentCopy !req
516. because your head was stuck
in your chair, you might be...Copy !req
517. Michael Scott.Copy !req
518. Hey, hey.Copy !req
519. I don't go make burgers
where you workCopy !req
520. and then tell you
how to make burgers.Copy !req
521. I have made a list of people
that I would make out withCopy !req
522. before I would make out
with Michael Scott.Copy !req
523. A turtle, a fridge,
anybody from the warehouse.Copy !req
524. Yeah!Copy !req
525. A wood chipper, Kevin,
a candle and Lord Voldemort.Copy !req
526. Anyway, happy birthday, Michael.Copy !req
527. Yeah.Copy !req
528. You'd be so lucky. Good one.Copy !req
529. Michael, you ran over me with your car.Copy !req
530. You posted a picture of my bare
boobs on the bulletin boardCopy !req
531. with a caption
that said, "Gross."Copy !req
532. Well...Copy !req
533. Michael, you are
the reason I drink.Copy !req
534. You are the reason
I live to forget.Copy !req
535. No, no, friends only.
Friends only!Copy !req
536. Several times a day,
Michael says wordsCopy !req
537. that are way
beyond my vocabulary.Copy !req
538. I know where this is going.Copy !req
539. Do you?
No.Copy !req
540. Okay.
Remember spider face?Copy !req
541. No.Copy !req
542. Okay, because the quote was,Copy !req
543. "Cut off your nose
to spider face."Copy !req
544. Spider... Okay.Copy !req
545. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
546. How dare you all
attack him like this?Copy !req
547. No, stop it.Copy !req
548. Michael is your superior, okay?
Dwight. No, no, no, no.Copy !req
549. You should be bowing
down in front of him.Copy !req
550. Hey, hey. Right now. Okay?Copy !req
551. They don't understand who they have.
That is the wayCopy !req
552. you're supposed to do it, idiot.
You're interrupting me.Copy !req
553. I'm trying to get your back.
I'm trying to... Idiot, idiot.Copy !req
554. Idiot.
Are you calling me an idiot?Copy !req
555. Don't you ever
talk to me that way,Copy !req
556. you pathetic short little man.Copy !req
557. You don't have any friends
or any family or any land!Copy !req
558. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
559. Well, I just want to take
a minute to talk to you allCopy !req
560. about something very serious.Copy !req
561. Once every hour,
someone is involved in an Internet scam.Copy !req
562. That man is Michael Scott.Copy !req
563. He's supporting about
20 Nigerian princesses.Copy !req
564. Hey, you know what?
Forgive me for caring, right?Copy !req
565. Well, you know,
Michael is a great delegator.Copy !req
566. He never does
any work himself, ever.Copy !req
567. And one time I walked in on him
naked and his thing is so small.Copy !req
568. How small is it?Copy !req
569. If it were an iPod,
it would be a shuffle.Copy !req
570. All right, can I make
just a little announcement?Copy !req
571. In a professional roast,
usually the roasterCopy !req
572. will say something nice about
the roastee after they're done.Copy !req
573. Something about how much they love them,
so just keep that in mind.Copy !req
574. Mike claims we're all a family.Copy !req
575. You know what...
We are. We are a family.Copy !req
576. Okay, so, what's his name?Copy !req
577. All the way in the back there.Copy !req
578. Oh, very funny.Copy !req
579. What's his name?Copy !req
580. Uh...Copy !req
581. I'm thinking Roy.Copy !req
582. Roy left years ago.
What's his name?Copy !req
583. I don't believe
I've had the pleasure.Copy !req
584. Michael, I gave you
a ride home last weekCopy !req
585. and we spent an hour in traffic.Copy !req
586. What's his name?
Jefferson.Copy !req
587. Nope. His name is Michael.Copy !req
588. What I hate about youCopy !req
589. You really suck as a bossCopy !req
590. You're the laziest, jerkiest And
you're dumber than an apple sauceCopy !req
591. We're stuck
listening to you all dayCopy !req
592. Stanley tried to die
just to get awayCopy !req
593. Well, it's trueCopy !req
594. That's what I hate about youCopy !req
595. That's what I hate about youCopy !req
596. Yeah!Copy !req
597. And now a man who deserves no
introduction, Michael Scott.Copy !req
598. Thank you very much.
Thank you. That was great.Copy !req
599. Great job, some great laughs.Copy !req
600. Really, really went after
my intelligence there.Copy !req
601. Dozens of online IQ tests
might prove you wrong, but...Copy !req
602. And my thing isn't tiny, it's average,
so get your facts straight.Copy !req
603. So when I heard that there was going
to be a roast in my honor, I thought...Copy !req
604. Sorry. I think I have
a frog in my throat.Copy !req
605. Um...Copy !req
606. I decided to jot down some
quick thoughts about you people.Copy !req
607. Um...Copy !req
608. First up, Phyllis and Kevin.Copy !req
609. Um...Copy !req
610. Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.Copy !req
611. I'm sorry, Michael's
not here right now.Copy !req
612. Can I take a message?Copy !req
613. Great. I will. Thanks.Copy !req
614. It's very unusual for Michael
not to show up to work.Copy !req
615. My guess,
he's either deeply depressedCopy !req
616. or an icicle has snapped off
his roof and impaled his brain.Copy !req
617. He has this terrible habit of
standing directly underneath themCopy !req
618. and staring up at them.Copy !req
619. And I always say,
"Michael, take two steps back"Copy !req
620. "and stare at the icicle
from the side."Copy !req
621. And he's like,
"No, I like the way they look"Copy !req
622. "from standing
directly underneath them."Copy !req
623. It was only a matter of time.Copy !req
624. Michael is so dumbCopy !req
625. that he tries to put his
M&M's in alphabetical order.Copy !req
626. All right, Kevin,
enough with the Michael jokes.Copy !req
627. I think he got it
bad enough yesterday.Copy !req
628. I'm almost done.Copy !req
629. That reeks
and I'm trying to eat.Copy !req
630. Attention, everyone,
I've just got a text from Michael.Copy !req
631. He says "personnel day."
Are we hiring?Copy !req
632. Yeah. You're being replaced.Copy !req
633. I think he meant personal day.Copy !req
634. I don't know.
That's quite a leap, Pam.Copy !req
635. I hope he's okay.
I feel bad.Copy !req
636. Give it up. He's dead.Copy !req
637. He just sent a text.Copy !req
638. What's a text?Copy !req
639. You know, sometimes
to get perspective,Copy !req
640. I like to think about a spaceman
on a star incredibly far away,Copy !req
641. and our problems don't
matter to himCopy !req
642. because we're just
a distant point of light.Copy !req
643. But he feels sorry for meCopy !req
644. because he has an incredibly
powerful microscopeCopy !req
645. and he can see my face.Copy !req
646. I'm okay.Copy !req
647. No, I'm not.Copy !req
648. Phyllis, there's
a package for you.Copy !req
649. Oh.Copy !req
650. Sign here.
Okay.Copy !req
651. What?Copy !req
652. Got it!Copy !req
653. Sam, Sam, Sam.Copy !req
654. It's not that you
dumped my granddaughter,Copy !req
655. and it's not that you want children,
it's that you lied to me.Copy !req
656. Can't you see that?
Can't you see?Copy !req
657. I can never trust you.Copy !req
658. Lily, no. Lily.
Lily, please.Copy !req
659. Lily, stop!Copy !req
660. I don't care how
much time we have left.Copy !req
661. I don't care
what my friends say.Copy !req
662. And I don't care
what your mom thinks.Copy !req
663. Frankly, I'm pretty sure
she's not making any sense.Copy !req
664. Please, move back
to my apartment.Copy !req
665. Lily, I'm not giving up.
I'm not giving up.Copy !req
666. Lily, Lily!
Push the reverse button!Copy !req
667. Reverse the button!Copy !req
668. Sam. Sam.Copy !req
669. Hey, Dad. No, I know.
Mom told me.Copy !req
670. Okay. Yeah,
I'll see you then.Copy !req
671. So what did he say?
Was it my fault?Copy !req
672. Yeah.Copy !req
673. He said that you told him
how much you love me,Copy !req
674. about how you feel
when I walk in a roomCopy !req
675. and about how you've
never doubted for a secondCopy !req
676. that I'm the woman you want to
spend the rest of your life with.Copy !req
677. I guess he's never felt that
with my mom, even at their best.Copy !req
678. You okay?Copy !req
679. Yeah.Copy !req
680. When you're a kid,
you assume your parents are soul mates.Copy !req
681. My kids are gonna
be right about that.Copy !req
682. I guess it also meansCopy !req
683. that sometimes love affairs look
different to the people inside them.Copy !req
684. I'm not insightful enough
to be a movie critic.Copy !req
685. Maybe I could be a food critic.Copy !req
686. These muffins taste bad.Copy !req
687. Or an art critic.
That painting is bad.Copy !req
688. Michael, it's
really good to see you.Copy !req
689. Hey, why are you
wearing a turtleneck?Copy !req
690. You all right?Copy !req
691. Michael, I feel I was
a little harsh yesterday.Copy !req
692. Yeah, we're really sorry.Copy !req
693. I spent the afternoon in the
park trying to feed the pigeons.Copy !req
694. I guess they all flew
west for the winter.Copy !req
695. And I just had some thoughts that
I wanted to share with you people.Copy !req
696. What?
Well, I wrote them downCopy !req
697. so I wouldn't forget.Copy !req
698. Jim, you're 6'11"
and you weigh 90 pounds.Copy !req
699. Gumby has
a better body than you.Copy !req
700. Boom. Roasted.Copy !req
701. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass.
Boom. Roasted.Copy !req
702. Pam, you failed art school.
Boom. Roasted.Copy !req
703. Meredith, you've slept
with so many guysCopy !req
704. you're starting
to look like one.Copy !req
705. Boom. Roasted.Copy !req
706. Kevin, I can't decide
between a fat jokeCopy !req
707. and a dumb joke.
Boom. Roasted.Copy !req
708. Creed, your teeth called,
your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted.Copy !req
709. Angela, where's Angela?Copy !req
710. Well, there you are.Copy !req
711. I didn't see you behind that
grain of rice. Boom. Roasted.Copy !req
712. Stanley, you crush
your wife during sexCopy !req
713. and your heart sucks.
Boom. Roasted.Copy !req
714. Oscar, you are...Copy !req
715. Oscar, you're gay.Copy !req
716. Wow.Copy !req
717. Andy, Cornell called, they think you
suck and you're gayer than Oscar.Copy !req
718. Boom. Roasted.Copy !req
719. Boom. Roasted.Copy !req
720. All right. All right, everybody.
You know I kid.Copy !req
721. You know I kid.Copy !req
722. You guys are the reason that I
went into the paper business.Copy !req
723. So, good night, God bless.
God bless America.Copy !req
724. And get home safe.Copy !req
725. Yeah.Copy !req
726. They say that laughter
is the best medicine,Copy !req
727. so, Stanley, you can
throw away those pills.Copy !req
728. You are cured.Copy !req
729. Actually, better hold on
to the pills, just in case.Copy !req