The Office 5x12

Directed by Asaad Kelada

Ed Helms as Andy Bernard • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

Michael and Dwight go undercover to do a bit of industrial espionage on a paper company competitor. Meanwhile, the rest of the office holds a debate to settle the question: is Hilary Swank hot?

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1. What's this?

2. Looks like a red wire.

3. Well...

4. It wasn't here before.

5. It's a computer, Dwight. I mean, computers have wires.

6. Yours doesn't.

7. Doesn't it?

8. No.

9. It's going in a different direction than the other wires.

10. Dwight, I'm really busy. I can't talk about this anymore.

11. Dwight, get out of here. Just shut up, Phyllis.

12. What are you doing?

13. I got 500 feet of red wire at a flea market out by Dunmore High School.

14. Twenty bucks for the whole spool.

15. Crazy. What a deal.

16. Oh! He'll be fine. I made it up there.

17. What you talking 'bout, Wallace?

18. Hi, Michael. How are you? Hi.

19. I'm well. How are you?

20. Very good.

21. So, listen, as you know,

22. we haven't yet filled the Regional Supervisor job.

23. Oh, have you not? Correct.

24. And I was wondering if I could get you to do some of the fieldwork

25. that would normally go to the supervisor.

26. Okay. There's an area from Carbondale to Marshbrook...

27. Yeah. Where we've never done any business.

28. There's a small company there, Prince Paper.

29. I can't get a report on it

30. because it's not a public company,

31. but we've been talking about going after their market,

32. so I was hoping you could do some fact-finding for me.

33. Okay.

34. I'll fax over some of the things we're looking for, okay?

35. Fax? Why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur?

36. This is important, Michael.

37. Oh! Well, then e-mail it, David.

38. You've got no taste, Stanley Hudson.

39. Oh, I do.

40. What are you guys talking about?

41. Some actress, whether she's hot.

42. Who's the gal in question?

43. Hilary Swank.

44. Ah! Hilary Swank.

45. Not at all.

46. She's got mean eyes.

47. Have you seen her with her bangs?

48. She looks like a monster.

49. Guys, she is a beautiful movie star,

50. so maybe we should just go to work.

51. She is an amazing actress.

52. That's not the question. She's not hot.

53. - Yeah. Thank you, Phyllis. - Okay, okay, okay.

54. Why don't we just put this to a vote,

55. and then we'll be done with it?

56. I'm not voting. No one cares.

57. Who thinks that Hilary Swank is hot? Raise your hand.

58. Okay, and who thinks that Hilary Swank is not hot? Raise your hand.

59. Five. Five to five.

60. Thank you, accounting department.

61. So, what do we do now?

62. What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter,

63. and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets?

64. I will seduce her.

65. No, I want to seduce her. I'll seduce her.

66. Let me seduce her. Michael, please. No, no, no. I got it.

67. You'll fall in love with her.

68. Yeah? So what if I did?

69. That would take precedence, and I would expect your support.

70. Okay, so let's go over the plan again.

71. All right. I am a local business owner. Mmm-hmm.

72. I need to buy paper. Yep.

73. I find out everything about their prices and policies.

74. Your fictitious name? Michael Scarn.

75. Good. I am a paper salesman looking for a new job.

76. I find out everything about their expenses and salaries.

77. Okay. Then we meet at the Denny's,

78. and we compare notes. No. No. I never said Denny's. IHOP.

79. No. I said Denny's. IHOP. We're going to IHOP.

80. You know how I feel about IHOP. Don't start.

81. Don't... You know what? Socialist.

82. I don't want to get into this debate again. Okay.

83. I enjoy IHOP.

84. I'll have a cup of coffee.

85. You will have pancakes, and you'll like it.

86. The store next to them is for lease.

87. So what?

88. It means they're not expanding.

89. Maybe they're shrinking. No.

90. They could be shrinking. No, because the sign is centered

91. perfectly above their store. No sign of the sign being moved.

92. Ah-ha!

93. Yep.

94. It's lunch-time, but no sign of anyone coming in or out,

95. which means they're not taking new customers out to lunch,

96. which means they're not acquiring new business,

97. so once again, no growth.

98. Yeah. There are clouds, clouds in the sky.

99. Means it's going to rain. Bad for business.

100. It would if they were altocumulus and not cirrostratus.

101. Why do... Okay.

102. Michael. Whatever.

103. Get your clouds right. Shut up.

104. Okay, so you go in now. Mmm-hmm.

105. I'm gonna go in, in exactly 10 minutes.

106. We have never met each other. We are complete strangers.

107. Right. Also, we're going to need a signal

108. to bolt out of there, in case there is danger. Fine.

109. And that signal is lick your lips. Try it.

110. No, no, no, like this.

111. Good.

112. Ready to do this? Yeah.

113. All right, here come the sharks.

114. In nature, there is something called the food chain.

115. It is where the shark eats the little shark,

116. and the little shark eats the littler shark,

117. and so on and so on and so on,

118. until you get down to the single-cell shark.

119. So, now replace sharks with paper companies,

120. and that is all you need to know about business.

121. Hello? Hello.

122. Hello. Hi.

123. Hi. How can I help you?

124. My name is Michael Scarn.

125. I am a local business owner,

126. and I would like to find out about your company.

127. Please come in. Thank you.

128. What kind of business are you in?

129. We're a law firm.

130. I assume your primary paper needs are stationery, general office.

131. You know, I'll be honest with you about something.

132. Where I used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients,

133. and I just didn't feel like a priority.

134. So I guess my question to you would be,

135. how many clients do you have?

136. About 80.

137. Really? That many?

138. This doesn't seem like a very big operation.

139. Well, it's just me, my wife and my son.

140. Ah! So, when did you set up shop?

141. I opened this place after I came back from Vietnam.

142. Ooh, Vietnam. I hear it's lovely.

143. Mmm.

144. Each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments.

145. Topic. Hilary Swank is attractive.

146. Hot. Hot.

147. The debate is whether she's hot.

148. What difference does it make?

149. Attractive, hot, beautiful. We're talking about the same thing here.

150. Huge difference. A painting can be beautiful,

151. but I don't want to bang a painting.

152. Okay. TMI.

153. So, even specialty paper, say 94 brightness, double-bonded,

154. you would put that on the same truck as your conventional stock?

155. You sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer.

156. Oh! Well, that is because I am a genius.

157. Oh, really? Yes.

158. Well, about some things, and other things I'm just... I'm very stupid.

159. Like, watch this. Is this the cup?

160. Is this the cup? Is this what I drink out of?

161. Laughter is my job.

162. Tears are my game. Law is my profession.

163. - Well... - Hello.

164. I'd like to apply for a job.

165. Hi.

166. I'm afraid we're not hiring right now.

167. Why don't you just get rid of this guy?

168. That's my son.

169. I'm your son now. You can visit him on holidays.

170. Dwight Schrute.

171. I'm a paper salesman at a second-tier paper company called Dunder Mifflin.

172. I'm the top salesman there, and I'm looking for a new challenge.

173. I would say you guys have, what,

174. 40 high-volume clients?

175. Try 80.

176. Eighty, that's nothing.

177. I've got 90 clients myself.

178. Better look out. Someone might run you out of business.

179. Well, I sure hope not.

180. Me, too.

181. I think all of us have a tendency to view celebrities as sort of mythical figures.

182. You know, we don't really see them as real,

183. so, therefore, we don't judge them as real people.

184. Are you serious? Jim, just show us a picture.

185. - Kevin, come on. - Yeah, shut up, Kevin.

186. No, but he's making all these fancy...

187. It's a gut thing.

188. That's fair. You know what, Kev? Do me a favor.

189. Why don't you close your eyes?

190. Okay.

191. Now, imagine that Hilary Swank comes into this office for real.

192. She walks over to you and she says,

193. "Kevin Malone, I just read your online profile,"

194. "and there's nothing I'd rather do than make out with you right now."

195. Now, you tell me something, is she hot?

196. Does that end the debate or is there... Oh!

197. Hey, Kev, what are you doing?

198. Nope. It's, "Is she hot?" Not, "Would you do her?"

199. Respect the game.

200. Oh, my God. Yeah.

201. This close.

202. So why are you considering leaving Dunder Mifflin?

203. My boss. Oh, yeah? Do tell.

204. His insensitivity could border on the cruel.

205. This is a man who does not listen to the needs of his underlings.

206. Hey! He's way...

207. Hey, how's the interview going?

208. It's going very well. Don't blow it.

209. Hey, Linda, can I get a picture of you?

210. You want a picture of me? I would.

211. Could you just stand right over here?

212. That would be great. Just something to remember the trip by.

213. Just a little to your left.

214. There you go. Good.

215. Perfect.

216. Can I have a copy of that?

217. Um...

218. Grandma, I can't do this.

219. What's going on? A little homework over here?

220. Yeah. Let's see if I can help.

221. Right there.

222. Oh! Math. That's not so hard.

223. Okay. There are four of these. All right.

224. Ignore the parentheses, right?

225. Right. Why is this little 2 so small?

226. It's weird. You just don't... Just go by the "X."

227. The "X" means times, so that means four times "X," 2.

228. What is double 4?

229. Eight. Right. Excellent.

230. Way to go. Nice.

231. Don't put that.

232. Ladies and gentlemen, even though the penis was fake,

233. I kept expecting a second plot twist

234. where we found out that Hilary Swank actually was a boy.

235. Kevin. Okay.

236. I wasn't going to dignify this discussion by getting involved,

237. and I don't even get the discussion.

238. Hot is a temperature, people.

239. But Kevin deserves to lose for what he said.

240. So, yes, she's hot. She's hot as heck.

241. She's a female Boris Becker.

242. All right.

243. Well, thank you very much for all of your help.

244. It's going to be an incredibly hard decision.

245. Wait. Let me get something for you here.

246. Here's some references. Our top clients.

247. You call any of them. I trust you'll hear some good things.

248. Okay. Okay. Okay.

249. All right, thank you.

250. You're welcome.

251. Excuse me, sir. Mmm-hmm?

252. I took the bus here and was wondering

253. if I could catch a ride home with you in your car.

254. Of course. Thank you very much.

255. Thanks for your time. Thank you very much.

256. Thank you for your time. I cannot wait to contact your clients.

257. I'll look forward to getting your calls.

258. All right. Bye now. So long.

259. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

260. We struck the mother lode.

261. Come on! Wallace is gonna freak.

262. He is going to absolutely freak. All their top clients.

263. I can't believe it. Someone's looking out the window.

264. Go, go, go. Go, peel out! Go!

265. Shoot. What the...

266. Okay, I'll just... I know. You drove over the...

267. I know. I know. Oh! Go back.

268. God, what was that? That's not good.

269. Oh, come on. Yes!

270. No, no, no. She's hot, okay?

271. Because if you are saying that Hilary Swank isn't hot,

272. then you're saying I'm not hot,

273. because obviously I'm not as hot as Hilary Swank!

274. - Oh. - Darn it.

275. Oh, come on. Oh, man.

276. - My car. - Are you all right?

277. Not good. Is everyone okay?

278. - Yeah. - It sounded bad.

279. No, no, no. We're fine. We're fine.

280. You folks have done enough already. You don't...

281. You've done more than you could possibly know.

282. Dwight, just... Okay.

283. You know, we're just gonna call a tow truck, so...

284. No, a tow truck is gonna charge you 100 bucks just to take you a mile.

285. Let me take a look. No. No.

286. You know, really not necessary. He drove over the divider,

287. - and then backed over it. - Dwight.

288. It caught the bumper. I'll be right back.

289. I'm just gonna grab my toolbox.

290. Don't...

291. Ladies, are we prepared to let the Kevins of the world decide anything for us?

292. Anything at all? We don't even give him full Internet access.

293. Wait, what?

294. See that? The obvious symmetry of the face.

295. This is a natural appeal of the scientific standard of koinophilia,

296. features that are a composite average of many features.

297. Yes, she's attractive, but she's not hot.

298. How much longer is this gonna take? Put that over there.

299. You know, let me give you some money for this.

300. No. I sit all day.

301. It's nice working with my hands. Well, I...

302. Oh! Coffee. That's too much nice.

303. Maybe not enough oil.

304. Thank you. You're welcome.

305. Ah. Disgusting. What is this? Instant?

306. Well, that ought to do it. Okay.

307. It's all better. Thank you.

308. Gosh, well, so long.

309. Bye-bye. That looks great.

310. - Drive safe. - Bye.

311. Look forward to hearing from you about that job application.

312. Bye. Okay.

313. Goodbye, Prince family.

314. Should be called the "Sucker" family.

315. "Here you go, shark."

316. "Let me fix your fin for you and sharpen your teeth while I'm at it."

317. Bye-bye, suckers.

318. I'm just saying. No, it's...

319. All I'm saying is Kevin's not necessarily a feminist.

320. That's all I'm saying. What are you...

321. Dwight, what will happen to that family

322. if I call Wallace and give him this information?

323. It's simple. Wallace would use that information to destroy them.

324. Okay.

325. You know, our sales are fine. Well.

326. We're doing fine. They're doing fine.

327. Could be better. Why don't we just live and let live?

328. What? Live and let live.

329. I'm not familiar with that expression.

330. It's a James Bond...

331. It doesn't make any sense. Okay.

332. Of course I'm alive.

333. I'm not going to make this call. Michael, you have to.

334. Have you ever seen a lioness devour her cub?

335. Oh, God, not this. Have you ever seen a baboon

336. devour its mate?

337. Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel?

338. My heart... My heart says no.

339. Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael.

340. But it makes some terrible decisions.

341. That's true.

342. Yes. Gosh. That's true.

343. It has gone down the wrong path many, many times.

344. Jan, Ryan.

345. Yeah, save your heart for love.

346. And use your brain for business. Right?

347. If we don't do this to Prince Paper, then someone else will.

348. Or worse yet, someone else will do it to us.

349. I am trying to be more optimistic in life.

350. I've got, what,

351. 20, 30 more years left,

352. and my family history says

353. I have less.

354. Now, the old Stanley Hudson would have found

355. something to complain about with this actress,

356. but that's no way to live life.

357. Look at this healthy, sexy,

358. pretty, strong, young woman.

359. Come on, people.

360. She is hot.

361. And it was a terrible war.

362. Oh! So many died.

363. Far too many died,

364. but if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring,

365. then goodness itself might have died.

366. You're right. Yeah.

367. You are right. I will call Wallace,

368. and I will give him the customer list.

369. And I will give him all of my info.

370. You are doing the right thing, Michael.

371. Good. So...

372. Where are you going?

373. Just something I have to do first.

374. Where are you taking the client list?

375. Someplace safe, where it can't hurt anyone.

376. Michael!

377. Michael! No!

378. I will get it.

379. Michael, don't do this!

380. Don't do it!

381. Michael!

382. Michael!

383. Oh, shoot! My keys. Come on, stop. Freeze.

384. Stop! Give me the list!

385. No, no, no. No!

386. I can't let you do this. Those people will be ruined!

387. It's business! It's not personal!

388. No! Give it!

389. Dwight, give it!

390. You can't do this to those people!

391. It's over, Michael. It's over.

392. I'm not a shark.

393. No!

394. Okay, time for the final vote.

395. All those in favor of the resolution, "Hilary Swank is hot."

396. Okay.

397. And all those opposed.

398. This is ridiculous. That's the thing about debating.

399. People just get entrenched in the view they had in the first place.

400. I could tell when I was talking you were not listening.

401. This is great stuff, Michael.

402. You are a titan of industry, pal.

403. Yeah. Thank you. Good work.

404. Look, I'll be in touch. Thanks, buddy.

405. Okay. Bye-bye.

406. Well, guess whose stock just went up, golden boy?

407. I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment.

408. It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family.

409. But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job.

410. That's why I hate bittersweet chocolate.

411. I don't even... What's the point of that?

412. Why not just sweet? I mean, who are you helping?

413. Oh, hey, what is this?

414. Hilary Swank.

415. Oh, she's hot.

416. Yeah!

417. Damn it.