The Office 5x10

Directed by Paul Feig

Ed Helms as Andy Bernard • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

Phyllis' Moroccan-themed holiday party goes up in flames when Meredith's hair catches on fire and Michael is forced to deal with the accident. Meanwhile, Dwight corners the market on the hottest toy of the Christmas season.

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1. What is this?

2. Happy holidays, Dwight.

3. But do not open it till Christmas.

4. You're so pathetic. How long did this take you, three hours?

5. Five minutes, actually. I'm a black belt in gift wrapping.

6. Yeah, no such thing.

7. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid.

8. Well, I hope it was worth it,

9. because I'm going to take it apart in about five minutes.

10. I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.

11. Really. If I can skin a mule deer in less than 10 minutes,

12. I ought to be able to cut my...

13. I'm sorry. It's the largest one I have.

14. I will not be the big guy in the tiny hat.

15. This is the first Christmas party

16. I'm throwing as head of the Party Planning Committee.

17. The theme is Nights in Morocco.

18. This isn't your grandmother's Christmas party.

19. Unless of course she's from Morocco,

20. in which case it's very accurate.

21. Hey, Phyllis, do I need this invite to get into the party?

22. Yes. Awesome.

23. I think this is going to be the best Christmas party ever.

24. Angela, you're going to move this for the party, right?

25. It's not on theme.

26. It's the Nativity scene.

27. All right.

28. You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant... Hey.

29. And the North African king can stay.

30. Everything else goes in the drawer.

31. I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas.

32. There is one person who will, though,

33. and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.

34. I need you to get rid of the tree.

35. But... But... Thank you.

36. Oh, I don't think it's blackmail.

37. Angela just does what I ask her to do

38. so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight.

39. I think for it to be blackmail,

40. it would have to be a formal letter.

41. Ah, you brought in your doll collection.

42. These are not dolls, Jim.

43. These are commodities, same as gold or oil.

44. Every year, I do research to determine

45. which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season.

46. This year, it's a doll. Half-girl, half-unicorn.

47. Catchphrase, "My horn can pierce the sky!"

48. Pathetic.

49. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks.

50. And as lazy parents become more desperate,

51. I will sell them at an enormous profit.

52. Isn't that right, princess?

53. That's the Christmas spirit.

54. I am simply punishing those parents

55. that would wait till the last minute to give their child a gift,

56. and such a genetically improbable one.

57. Look at that. How does that happen?

58. The king has sex with a unicorn?

59. Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?

60. Yes. Hey, is that Princess Unicorn?

61. I thought they were all sold out.

62. They are now. Cool.

63. My horn can pierce the sky!

64. This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin,

65. vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda.

66. Call it a "one of everything."

67. Oh, my God!

68. Hit me again! All right.

69. One more time around the block.

70. I will grant you one wish.

71. I wish you would stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way.

72. Stupid. Everybody knows to ask for 100 more wishes.

73. Dumb.

74. Hey, hey, Ang, check it out.

75. There's a place in France Where the naked ladies dance

76. Really, Andy? It's Christmas,

77. and you're singing about nudity and France.

78. There's a hole in the wall Where the men can see it all

79. Jim, check that out. What is it?

80. That is vodka, and I mixed it with orange juice.

81. I call it an "orange vodjuiceka."

82. Wow, that is delicious. Yeah.

83. I can't believe no one's thought of that. I know!

84. Belly dancing.

85. $120, $180, $200.

86. All right.

87. Oh, thank you so much. My daughter is going to love this.

88. Oh. So glad I could help. Thanks.

89. Merry Christmas. You, too.

90. Fa la la la, la la, ka-ching

91. Oh. So this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India?

92. She's burning.

93. Oh, my God!

94. We got a live one! On fire!

95. I'm all right. I'm all right.

96. Sorry.

97. We're back on the 5th. Should we just do it then?

98. Cannot do it then, monthly dental appointment.

99. Soft teeth.

100. What about February 2nd?

101. Would you want to do it on Groundhog Day?

102. No. No. I celebrate privately. That's right.

103. Why don't we just do it now? We'll do it quickly.

104. Now? It's our Christmas party. We'll do it quickly.

105. Well, what if we can't do it quickly?

106. "What if we can't do it quickly?"

107. "What if we can't do it?"

108. Do you know how to do an intervention?

109. Hey, shut up.

110. Here we go. Everybody, gather up.

111. An intervention, it's sort of hard to describe,

112. but, really, it's a coming together.

113. It's a surprise party for people who have addictions.

114. And you get in their face and you scream at them,

115. and you make them feel really badly about themselves.

116. And then they stop.

117. It looks like we're going to be here for a while,

118. so why don't you make a little plate of hummus for everyone?

119. Little triangles of pita, toasted on both side,

120. fanned so you can easily grab them.

121. I know... And napkins, fanned.

122. Okay. How do you feel?

123. Little better. I threw up.

124. TMI. Fire girl.

125. Too soon. Yeah.

126. Okay, you know what I thought we should do

127. is have a quick intervention and then get back to the party.

128. Michael, we're only allowed to talk about Meredith's work performance.

129. We cannot ask her to stop drinking.

130. I am not asking her to stop drinking.

131. I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic.

132. I'm not an alcoholic.

133. Yeah, obviously you are.

134. Okay, everybody who thinks that Meredith is an alcoholic,

135. please raise your hands.

136. Aye. The ayes have it.

137. I don't care what everyone thinks.

138. I know I am not an alcoholic.

139. All right, well,

140. let's look at this a little bit closer, then, shall we?

141. When I was in college, I used to get wicked hammered.

142. My nickname was "Puke." I would chug a fifth of So-Co,

143. sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties,

144. some brewskies, some Jell-O shots,

145. do some body shots off myself,

146. pass out, wake up the next morning,

147. boot, rally, more So-Co, head to class.

148. Probably would have gotten expelled if I'd let it affect my grades,

149. but I aced all my courses. They called me "Ace."

150. It was totally awesome. I got straight B's. They called me "Buzz."

151. Meredith, "have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood"

152. "or deliberately change your state of mind?"

153. Sure.

154. "Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate"

155. "a special occasion or mark a holiday?"

156. Obviously.

157. "Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol,"

158. "questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church?"

159. Where did you get this? I got it on a website. That's not important.

160. Michael, we should contact some experts.

161. You don't know what you're doing.

162. Okay, you know what, Toby? One of my employees is undergoing a crisis,

163. and I wish, for just once,

164. you would take my side on this.

165. I'm doing your job, man.

166. Hey, are you texting?

167. Yeah, 'cause this is kind of a drag.

168. Alcohol is a drag, yes. Here's what I'd like to do.

169. I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith

170. how her alcoholism has affected us.

171. I'll begin. This Christmas party

172. is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to.

173. But then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this.

174. That's how your drinking affected me.

175. Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you?

176. Come on, people. If we don't say anything,

177. she's not going to get any better.

178. Yes, Kevin.

179. Well, Meredith, there was that one time

180. that you bought movie tickets

181. and then you got too drunk to go,

182. so you gave them to me, and that was really cool.

183. That's... You didn't... You weren't hurt by that.

184. Yeah, you said "affected" by it.

185. Thanks again, Meredith. You're welcome.

186. No, that's not what we're going for.

187. Who has a problem with Meredith's drinking? It has to bother you.

188. It bothers me, right? How does it bother you?

189. Dwight, don't you have anything?

190. No. I like Meredith.

191. Actually, I don't care for Meredith,

192. but I don't believe in this kind of thing.

193. In the Schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention.

194. Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.

195. Who's going to tell us the latest dirty joke?

196. Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night?

197. I am fine.

198. Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine?

199. Hey, come here.

200. If anything ever happened to you,

201. I would be very angry at myself for not doing all that I could do.

202. I know I drink. I like to party.

203. I want you to say, "I'm an alcoholic."

204. I'm not an alcoholic!

205. You can say it as loudly as you want,

206. but we're not going to believe you.

207. I was waiting until later to hand out this year's gifts from corporate.

208. I don't think they're appropriate anymore.

209. Please stop making me do these things.

210. Sorry, it's your job.

211. But it's the season of mercy.

212. You never showed me mercy when you were in charge.

213. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet?

214. I lost it.

215. Fine.

216. Okay. Nice.

217. I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do.

218. To porn.

219. All right, no, no, no, no.

220. That is... The image, I think we can all agree, is very disgusting,

221. but you know what, Meredith?

222. You lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow?

223. What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?

224. I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.

225. There are several ways to kill a zombie,

226. but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.

227. Everyone in this room loves you.

228. But mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore.

229. The next time you light yourself on fire,

230. we are not going to help put you out.

231. Oh, as fire marshal, I would have to.

232. Dwight. She is a hazard

233. to the other people of the office. Okay.

234. I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well-ventilated area.

235. Yeah, but you're going to need a permit for that.

236. Right. That'll take a couple weeks.

237. I can get you one in an hour.

238. Really? Okay, you know, this is over.

239. I agree.

240. I think you did the best you could, but this is bigger than all of us.

241. Enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler.

242. It's Christmas, and we are turning our back

243. on somebody who is asking for help.

244. You know what the only thing I want for Christmas?

245. I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish.

246. But you know what? My wishes never come true.

247. So I'm not going to wish that on her.

248. A watch would be nice.

249. They've been in there for 45 minutes.

250. I know.

251. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now.

252. That's a halwa shebakia cookie.

253. They serve it during Ramadan.

254. Mmm. Chewy.

255. Hey.

256. What's up? Do you take requests?

257. Sure. Please stop,

258. because we're having a Christmas party.

259. I'll be down in a minute.

260. Could you write down the number

261. of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned?

262. Sure. Wow.

263. Ow!

264. We just missed Poor Richard's.

265. We did? Yeah.

266. I thought we were going out for a drink. Oh, shoot.

267. Oh, well, we'll have to go someplace else, then, I guess.

268. The Bog.

269. Yeah. Cooper's.

270. We could go there. Kelly's.

271. Sure. Brixx's.

272. Yes. Yes. Carmers.

273. Fort, Andy Gavirs. I have a new place.

274. It must have just opened up.

275. Yeah, recently.

276. Yeah. All right. All right.

277. All right, enough of this Christmas crap.

278. Let's just get some party music. Yeah!

279. Yeah, there you go.

280. Yeah!

281. That's good.

282. Yeah, that's better. Party girl.

283. Hey, Sasha, it's Daddy.

284. Have you ever heard of this doll Princess Unicorn?

285. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy... Nope, no, no.

286. No. I'm just curious if you heard of it.

287. This is great. My ex-wife's going to be so pissed.

288. For once, Daddy's going to be a hero.

289. $200. Yep.

290. Hey, I'd like to buy one of your dolls.

291. Oh, that's my last one.

292. Oh, no.

293. No, no. I was going to buy that doll.

294. Thanks, man.

295. I was going to get the doll.

296. Not my problem. But I...

297. I promised my daughter. Darryl, look, hey...

298. I need the doll. I need the doll.

299. I'm begging you. I just...

300. I need it more than anything in the world. I need this doll.

301. Darryl, man, I need this doll.

302. Okay, all right, man. Don't cry. It's cool.

303. I'll let you get it for $400.

304. I only have two.

305. You can owe me.

306. Oh, man. Thanks. Thanks.

307. Thank you. I know, right? Merry Christmas.

308. Oh, thanks. She's going to...

309. Oh.

310. Something wrong with the doll?

311. No, it's...

312. It's even better than the one I wanted.

313. Sunrise Rehab? No! No!

314. No! I told you no! Yes.

315. There is no way! No. It's okay.

316. It's all right. No way! There is no way!

317. Meredith, we're doing this for your own good.

318. Okay, come on. No way!

319. There is no way! Here we go. This is going to be good.

320. It's going to be... No way! I told you.

321. We talked about this!

322. Open the door. There is absolutely no way!

323. Here we go. No, no way!

324. No! There is no way! No!

325. No! I am not going in there! All right. Here we go.

326. Yes, you are. I am not going in there!

327. Yes, you are!

328. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute,

329. wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

330. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just wait. Calm down, calm down.

331. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

332. No! No!

333. Come on! No! No!

334. There is no way! Here we go.

335. There is no way! Almost at the door.

336. Here's the door. There is no way! There is no way!

337. No! No! Let's start meeting...

338. No! Hello.

339. This man is crazy! How are you?

340. This man is crazy! Can I help you?

341. I have a deposit, alcoholic. No! No! No!

342. So do I sign? No!

343. I need you to put the Christmas tree back up.

344. It's outside.

345. I didn't ask you where it was.

346. I told you where it needs to be.

347. Shut up.

348. Excuse me?

349. I'm not moving the tree. Face it.

350. The only power you have over me

351. is this little secret that I know you're not going to tell.

352. Oh, and you want to know how I know that?

353. Because then you won't be able to plan your stupid, tacky parties anymore.

354. So you move the tree.

355. Okay.

356. Angela's having sex with Dwight.

357. I caught them doing it after Toby's going-away party.

358. Well, don't look so surprised.

359. I knew it. You did not know it.

360. I knew some of it. Everyone knew some of it.

361. It's Christmas.

362. You knew it. Thank you.

363. I knew it. She knew it.

364. As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will.

365. They have to do it voluntarily.

366. They have to hit rock bottom.

367. So I think I know what I need to do at this point.

368. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom.

369. Um, I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.

370. All right, everybody's still here, perfect!

371. I've got a little surprise I've been working on.

372. Angela, my bride, I just wanted you to know

373. that for the rest of our lives, no matter the cultural milieu,

374. I will always be there to bring you some Christmas cheer.

375. Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la la, la la la la

376. 'Tis the season to be jolly Fa la la la la, la la la la

377. Don we now our gay apparel Fa la la, la la la

378. Troll the little old yuletide carol

379. I think I'd like to go home now.

380. Sure.

381. Tough room.

382. Come on, I just learned it.

383. Just so you know, protocol is a little round of applause, but...

384. "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night."