The Office 4x9

Directed by Paul Feig

Frederik Pohl IV as Neighbor • Ed Helms as Andy Bernard • Melora Hardin as Jan Levinson • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

Michael stages an elaborate plan to finally get Pam and Jim over to his and Jan's place for a dinner party. Jim gets trapped into it and agrees to go. Dwight overhears and wants his invitation, too. Michael says he only has six wine glasses and with Andy and Angela going too, there's not enough room for Dwight.

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1. Yeah. Everything. It's all good. It's all good. Phyllis.

2. Dancing babies.

3. Dancing babies. I love it. I love it.

4. We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today,

5. our first ad ever.

6. Corporate purchased some airtime in local markets

7. to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity,

8. and they are even sending up a professional ad company

9. to help us make it later. So it's not too shabby.

10. Best ad ever?

11. Give me a break, give me a break

12. Break me off a piece of that

13. I am totally blanking. What is the thing?

14. Nobody tell him.

15. What? No. Why?

16. You got it. You're so close.

17. Break me off a piece of that

18. Applesauce

19. "Break me off a piece of that applesauce." I don't think so.

20. A piece of that Chrysler car

21. Nope.

22. Football cream

23. Okay. It's football cream.

24. It's football cream. All right, so, anybody else?

25. I'm taking a computer animation class, so I can try to do a logo.

26. Look at that.

27. Even the receptionist is getting in on the creativity. Very good. Very good.

28. Hello. Hello.

29. Hey. How you doing? Michael Scott.

30. Hey, Michael. Regional manager.

31. Hi, Michael. Nice to meet you. Excited to talk ideas.

32. Us, too, man. You know what,

33. I want this to be cutting edge. I want it to be fast.

34. Quick cuts, you know? Youthful, sort of a

35. MTV-on-crack kind of thing.

36. That sounds great.

37. All right. Good. Well, this is what we have to work with.

38. I would like you to meet Andrew Bernard, the Nard Dog.

39. Who let the Nard dog out?

40. He gives the best back rubs in the office.

41. That's true, I give a mean back rub. Also do good aromatherapy.

42. You just got Nard-dogged!

43. Now, this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe.

44. Urban? I grew up in a small town.

45. What about me seems urban to you?

46. Stanley is hilarious.

47. Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth.

48. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima.

49. These are our accountants.

50. And as you can see, they are very different sizes.

51. What you might want to do is kind of

52. a Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear thing.

53. That might be kind of fun.

54. Mama Bear.

55. Who else?

56. I think it's great that the company's making a commercial,

57. because not very many people have heard of us.

58. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin,

59. they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens or...

60. And frankly all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.

61. You playing that game again?

62. Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment.

63. It doesn't have points or scores.

64. It doesn't have winners or losers.

65. Oh, it has losers.

66. I signed up for Second Life about a year ago.

67. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one.

68. In my second life, I was also a paper salesman

69. and I was also named Dwight.

70. Absolutely everything was the same.

71. Except I could fly.

72. Little girl in a field holding a flower.

73. We zoom back to find that she's in the desert

74. and the field is an oasis.

75. We zoom back further,

76. the desert is a sandbox in the world's largest resort hotel.

77. Zoom back further, the hotel is actually the playground

78. of the world's largest prison.

79. But we zoom back further... Okay,

80. I can tell that your time is valuable...

81. Actually,

82. I don't get paid by the hour anymore, but thank you.

83. I get paid by the year.

84. So... That all sounds really, really ambitious.

85. Yeah. I know.

86. Why don't we show you what we did with the Nashua branch?

87. Mmm...

88. Okay.

89. That's what Nashua came up with?

90. That sucks. Wow.

91. That's what we came up with.

92. Well, we can do better than that.

93. Well, the main part of the ad has to stay the same, actually.

94. Yeah, it's the last five seconds where we have some leeway.

95. The waving?

96. Well, no, no. You don't have to be waving. That was just what they did.

97. You guys can be clapping

98. or sitting, standing outside, inside, whatever.

99. And this is where you really get to be creative.

100. I need some advice. I've been spending a lot of time making out with Angela lately.

101. We've been necking. But only necking. Right?

102. Not actually kissing our mouths.

103. Just neck on neck.

104. It's just like rubbinglnuzzling our necks together.

105. It's hot. I'm not gonna lie to you, but it's a little weird.

106. But you seem like a guy with answers.

107. So how do I fast track this, get to first base?

108. We cannot talk about this,

109. because someone might hear us.

110. We'll use code names.

111. Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight.

112. That's not different enough.

113. Dwike?

114. You have a call from Eddie Murphy.

115. Hello.

116. Shrek. Shrek. I'm a donkey.

117. I'm a donkey, Shrek.

118. I'm just kidding. It's me. Hello, Ry.

119. What? Okay, calm down.

120. I just have a small problem.

121. I told you not to call about small problems.

122. Yeah. Well, when I call about big problems,

123. you don't like that either, so make up your mind, kiddo.

124. Here is the deal, the ad guys that you sent are locking me in a creative box

125. and sort of ignoring my ideas.

126. That's good. They're creative. You're not.

127. I'm creative, Ryan.

128. It's not part of your job.

129. It's, like, maybe you can cook,

130. but that doesn't mean you should start a restaurant.

131. Well, actually I can't cook and I am starting a restaurant,

132. Mike's Cereal Shack.

133. I'm thinking we'll have as many varieties as you can buy in the store.

134. Okay. I'm not really interested in that right now.

135. I'm delegating creativity to creative professionals.

136. It's a different skill set.

137. Look, I wasn't good at sales, right? Yeah!

138. But I'm good at managing people who do sales.

139. Are you? I don't think you're doing such a great job here,

140. suppressing ideas and creativity.

141. All right, let me ask you this. Tell me if you think this is creative.

142. When I was five,

143. I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn.

144. And this was before I had even heard of one or seen one.

145. I just drew a picture of a horse

146. that could fly over rainbows and had a huge spike in its head.

147. I was five, five years old.

148. Couldn't even talk yet.

149. Hey, guys. You know what? We cannot shoot this ad today.

150. Okay, when should we come back?

151. How about never-hundred hours, sir?

152. Wait, we were sent here to help...

153. I'm not gonna argue with this guy.

154. Let's go.

155. Good luck, dude. Hey, thanks.

156. Thank you. Thank you.

157. Michael, David Wallace.

158. What is this about dismissing the ad people?

159. Yeah. I'm glad you called. Ryan is being a little bitch again.

160. I'm on, Michael.

161. What's up, my brother?

162. Listen, David, I would like to do this ad in-house.

163. I want to use only the creativity that we have right here in the office,

164. and I will send it to you tomorrow morning.

165. Take a look at it. If you do not think that it's ready to air,

166. send the ad agency back down here

167. and we'll do it on my dime.

168. This is weird.

169. I'm willing to stake my entire reputation on it.

170. Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.

171. Okay. Okay.

172. And thus Michael Scott sealed his own destiny.

173. In a good way.

174. Has anyone ever come up to you and said, "You're not creative"?

175. Yes.

176. Well, they're wrong. You are creative.

177. You are damn creative, each and every one of you.

178. You are so much more creative

179. than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with.

180. Who are you talking to, specifically?

181. I kind of know what it's like to be in commercials.

182. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man.

183. When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials,

184. then I realized I had a brain.

185. I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos

186. with so many people around.

187. We have three scenes to film, big scenes.

188. We have a song to write, so let's get cracking.

189. Kelly, I want you to do makeup.

190. Oscar, I would like you to do costume design, obviously.

191. Phyllis, I'd like you to look around town

192. and see if we have any celebrities in our local area.

193. Sue Grafton is at the Steamtown Mall.

194. She's doing a book signing right now.

195. Okay, okay. Phyllis, this is what I want you to do.

196. I want you to go down to the mall. I want you to get in line.

197. I want you to get her to be in this commercial.

198. This would be a huge coup, people. All right?

199. Do not take no for an answer. Okay.

200. Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like?

201. I mean is she hot, or...

202. She's crazy hot.

203. Well, then maybe we should just use Angela and say she's Sue Grafton.

204. Would anyone notice?

205. That's not happening.

206. I find the mystery genre disgusting.

207. I hate being titillated.

208. Bye, everyone.

209. Light it up, Phyllis. Get her, Phyl.

210. Out of paper, out of stock

211. Those friendly faces around the block

212. Break loose from the chains

213. That are causing you pain

214. Call Michael and Stanley, Jim, Dwight, Creed

215. Call Andy and Kelly For your business paper needs

216. Dunder Mifflin

217. The people person's paper people

218. Dunder Mifflin

219. The people person's paper people

220. Time out. Time out. Time out. I thought...

221. I was under the impression that this was going to be a rap.

222. What's rap?

223. Okay, Darryl, wow.

224. You need to learn a lot about your own culture.

225. I'll make you a mix.

226. Great.

227. News flash. I got some juicy updates on Operation Fallen Angel.

228. Remind me to tell you later.

229. Hey.

230. No talk. I'm animating.

231. Why don't we take a quick 10-second break from that

232. so I can show you what's going on here.

233. Okay, this is Dwight's Second Life. He's on it all the time.

234. So much so that his little guy here has created his own world.

235. It's called Second Second Life

236. for those people who want to be removed even further from reality.

237. Are you serious? Yeah.

238. Oh, my God. He's really in pain.

239. Who's that?

240. Oh, it's just my avatar guy. Whatever.

241. He looks a lot like you.

242. Yeah. How much time did you spend on that?

243. Not much. It's just for tracking Dwight, so...

244. Right. You're a sports writer in Philadelphia?

245. Nice build, too.

246. Yep.

247. You have a guitar slung on your back.

248. I did not know you played guitar.

249. I...

250. Why don't we go back to the animation? No, no, no.

251. I want to see more of Philly Jim. No, show me how this...

252. I want Philly Jim.

253. Show me how this works.

254. Oh, boy.

255. Out of paper, out of stock

256. Those friendly faces around the block

257. Break loose from the chains

258. That are causing you pain

259. Call Michael, Stanley, Jim, Dwight and Creed

260. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs

261. Call Dunder Mifflin

262. People person's paper people

263. Dunder Mifflin

264. It's the people person's paper people

265. Stop, stop, stop.

266. This is not me. This is not... It's not my music.

267. You're right. It's better than you. It's us.

268. Dunder Mifflin

269. The people person's paper people

270. No, no, no. I hate it! I hate it.

271. I don't hate it. I just don't like it at all, and it's terrible.

272. You're on your own, Mike.

273. Okay, you know what? Hold on, hold on, Darryl.

274. You just said you hated it. No.

275. You said you hated it. I said I hate the style.

276. Break me off a piece of that lumber tar

277. Snickers bar

278. Okay. Wow. Wow. This looks terrible.

279. Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon

280. Andy. Andy. This is a pivotal scene in the ad.

281. And if we don't get this, if we don't nail it,

282. we're gonna lose the whole triumph of the moment.

283. The triumph of the will. Now, God, what? What, Phyllis?

284. Well, I got in line to buy Sue Grafton's book

285. and when it came to my turn,

286. I asked her if she wanted to be in the ad, and she said, "No, thank you."

287. But I wasn't supposed to take no for an answer...

288. Attagirl. So I kept on asking,

289. and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends.

290. Okay.

291. Did you or did you not get Sue Grafton?

292. No.

293. Oh, you're...

294. Can somebody give her a tissue? Please?

295. I hope you're not killing yourself on this, because I'm sure it's good enough

296. for Michael's ad that will probably be seen by no one.

297. Maybe. But it's not good enough for me yet.

298. Okay. Do you want me to stay?

299. No, no, you can go home. I'm good.

300. Pam is staying late tonight to achieve her dreams,

301. so I'm pretty proud of her.

302. Unfortunately, she was my ride home.

303. You coming?

304. I...

305. Piss or get off the pot!

306. Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.

307. Good morning.

308. Yeah, I'm sorry. I looked away for a second,

309. and Creed snatched your hash browns.

310. Thank you. You're welcome.

311. I worked until about 2:45 a.m.,

312. and then I had to decide if I wanted to spend the night with Michael

313. editing in his office and Dwight watching Michael edit in his office,

314. or drive home and probably fall asleep at the wheel

315. and die in a fiery car wreck.

316. I passed out on my keyboard trying to decide.

317. Let me pour you some bubbly,

318. because somebody got to a whole new level last night.

319. Andy, I can't hear this right now.

320. No. No. No. This is good.

321. You know how we haven't really gotten anywhere

322. that I want to get to physically yet?

323. Well, last night, that changed.

324. We're making out. I'm kissing her neck and her cheek

325. and her ear lobe, and she's not really kissing me back,

326. but she closes her eyes and she's like,

327. "Oh, D. Oh, D."

328. She called you D?

329. Yeah. D for Andy.

330. Oh, D.

331. Oh, D.

332. Oh, D.

333. Oh, D.

334. Oh, D! Oh, D!

335. Oh, D! Oh, D!

336. I'm about to send the ad to corporate. And it is sent.

337. They'll probably watch it right away. I would.

338. Okay.

339. Yes? Pam, please clear my phone lines.

340. Certainly.

341. Okay, clear.

342. They could call any second now.

343. Oh, God.

344. I better call.

345. Well, it's been tough.

346. The geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial,

347. and tonight they are airing the brain-dead version.

348. So welcome one and all

349. to the world premiere of corporate crap fest.

350. Hey, seemed like a big hit.

351. No. People are stupid.

352. People like waving. Waving sells, not art.

353. The ad we made, our ad, the real one,

354. was full of humor and full of depth and full of heart, and it was real.

355. Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you put that in the DVD player?

356. Hey, everybody, I just want to welcome you all

357. to the premiere of the real Dunder Mifflin commercial.

358. The Michael Scott director's cut. Hope you like it.

359. It all starts with an idea.

360. But you can never tell where an idea will end up.

361. Because ideas spread.

362. They change, grow.

363. They connect us with the world.

364. And in a fast-moving world,

365. where good news moves at the speed of time,

366. and bad news isn't always what it seems.

367. Because when push comes to shove,

368. we all deserve a second chance

369. to score.

370. Dunder Mifflin. Limitless paper in a paperless world.

371. Animation, all her, by the way. Really?

372. Yeah, I just thought... The animation was cool.

373. Thanks.

374. Hey, listen, you ever been on a motorcycle because...

375. Michael, that was fun.

376. That was fun.

377. Next round of drinks is on me, people.

378. Claude Van Damme

379. Hair for men

380. Poison gas, NutraSweet

381. It's got to rhyme with "piece."

382. Fancy Feast.

383. Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast

384. It's the cat food. Nailed it.