The Office 4x12

Directed by Randall Einhorn

Ed Helms as Andy Bernard • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

Pam is sporting a new look at work with her glasses. She admits she spent the night at a "friend's" house and forgot her contact solution. Michael makes sure to point out that the glasses make her look ugly, and if she wants to be hot, the glasses need to come off.

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1. Everybody, everybody, listen up. I need your ideas now.

2. Ideas, please, right now. Go, go! Come on!

3. Michael, we don't know what you're talking about.

4. Wet cement outside. It's drying fast.

5. Come on, this is a lifelong dream. What do I write? What do I write?

6. Michael, you could put your initials in it.

7. M.G.S. No.

8. Some idiot named Mark Greg Schputnick will claim credit for it. I don't...

9. That is true. Once in a lifetime opportunity, people.

10. - Come on! - Well...

11. Here we go! Yes?

12. When I was a little girl...

13. Okay.

14. Okay, do it! Come on, great! Let's hear it!

15. We found some wet cement...

16. It's drying, it's drying... in the park in our neighborhood...

17. All right, come on!

18. Come on, Phyllis! What did we write?

19. Oh! Come on!

20. Here it is. You draw a picture. No!

21. 'Cause that says so much more than words.

22. No, no!

23. Come on, give me something good!

24. Okay, I was watching E!

25. And I saw Will Smith outside the Chinese Theater,

26. and, oh, my God, he looked so good.

27. Pam, translate.

28. She's talking about the handprints that celebrities make in the cement.

29. I love it!

30. If you were a real star, you'd put your face in it.

31. I love it more!

32. Michael, that doesn't seem safe...

33. I love it!

34. - Come on, let's go! - Come on!

35. We are here today not to immortalize a man, but an idea.

36. Maybe the idea of a man.

37. Hurry, please.

38. Greatness is only skin deep, some people say.

39. Can you breathe? Well, that's not true.

40. Other people believe it's deep down inside.

41. Hold your breath.

42. And in this case, that's also not true.

43. Ready? And...

44. Go!

45. Force it in as deep as you can.

46. That's what she said.

47. Today's a very special day for me. And it's really not about me.

48. It's about my grandkids. It's about my great-grandkids.

49. I can come back here when I'm 100,

50. and I can find that piece of cement and say,

51. "That's me. Look, kids. Your daddy left that face hole."

52. I don't know. It's a good feeling.

53. Okay.

54. Adjective.

55. "Tall." No, no, "Nice."

56. Good one. Okay. You ready?

57. Mmm-hmm.

58. "The tall man entered the nice building,

59. "to visit a very nice man.

60. "'Sit down, Mr. Smith. Can I interest you in any good cat food?"'

61. It's a man eating cat food!

62. What about a cat eating man food?

63. Andy and Angela seem very happy.

64. I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them.

65. Yeah, I slept over at a friend's house, and...

66. I forgot my contact solution, so I had to wear my back-up glasses.

67. Shut up.

68. All right, everybody.

69. Oh, my God. Pam, those make you look so ugly.

70. Pam, in order to get hotter, you take glasses off.

71. You're moving in the wrong direction.

72. I don't have my contacts...

73. I can't even hear you.

74. It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist.

75. Everybody, we're gonna have a little brainstorming session

76. in the conference room.

77. Energize.

78. You know what would energize me?

79. If you, Pamela Morgan Beesly...

80. Don't you, don't you...

81. If you propose to me during a Michael meeting, I will say no.

82. Well, it's too late, because I'm proposing

83. that you get me a cup of coffee, which would energize me greatly

84. and make me the happiest man in the world.

85. Everybody, so how are we going to energize our office?

86. I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas.

87. Pam clearly has just given up trying.

88. So what we need to do is we need to get things going.

89. We need to get percolating a little bit. Anybody have any ideas what we could do?

90. Any suggestions? Yes, Andy?

91. What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message

92. so it just had a little more zing and a little more pep?

93. Zing and pep. Those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes, Jim.

94. What about if we did an even newer voice-mail message

95. that had even more zing and pep?

96. Now we're cooking, I like this. Maybe a whole theme.

97. Like a rap... A rap rhyme. An urban thing.

98. An urban... Yeah, Stanley, you want to help us out with that?

99. Stanley! Earth to Stanley.

100. Not me.

101. Yes, you. Come on, Stanley, put your little game down

102. and join the group.

103. No.

104. Stanley, we're having...

105. Leave me alone, damn it.

106. We're having a brainstorm session.

107. Did I stutter?

108. Good. This is good. I'm going to grab a glass of water.

109. Can I talk to you a second?

110. What?

111. I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning.

112. What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened.

113. Well, you know, Stanley was openly insubordinate.

114. That, in the conference room?

115. Yeah.

116. We were joshing around, the two of us.

117. And he said, "Did I stutter?"

118. And I said, "What, dawg?"

119. It was joking, Toby, all right?

120. He didn't seem like he was joking.

121. Well, you don't get it, because Stanley is a beautiful,

122. sassy, powerful black man,

123. and you're you.

124. If you had any friends, you would understand.

125. Friends joke with one another. "Hey, you're poor."

126. "Well, hey, your mama's dead." That's what friends do.

127. It's... You're so white.

128. All right. Well...

129. If you really believe that Stanley was joking...

130. Mmm-hmm.

131. Why don't we go ask him now?

132. Okay, I will.

133. I'm not feeling very well right now, though.

134. My stomach hurts, so I may be going home early today.

135. You know, Michael, sometimes my daughter's stomach hurts

136. when there's a mean girl at school.

137. Well, sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office.

138. So it's probably psychological.

139. You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra, because you pull up to a stoplight

140. and look over, and there's an Xterra next to you, they're always driven by chicks.

141. So there's your icebreaker.

142. Scratch!

143. That's a racing stripe.

144. Bumper's sagging.

145. Hmm. I doubt that very much.

146. This car is crap. I will buy it for next to nothing.

147. How next to?

148. Well, here are your options.

149. You can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff,

150. you can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or

151. you can sell it to me and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm.

152. It will be towed by a donkey.

153. I have to pick one of those? Yes.

154. Can you go over those options again?

155. You know what?

156. You knock $1,500 off the price right now and I will take it off your hands.

157. It's gotta be now.

158. Well, I had the Blue Book value...

159. Seal the deal. Let's do it.

160. Let's do this thing. Three, two, one.

161. Can I think about it?

162. Five, four, three, two, now.

163. Let me think about it.

164. Now. Now. Say it. Do it now.

165. Thinking about it. Thinking.

166. Do it now! Do it. Shake my hand.

167. You will sell me this car. Shake my hand.

168. Yeah, all right!

169. What?

170. I see that you gave me that form

171. that I asked you to give me, Stanley the manly.

172. So thank you for that. I guess we are back to normal.

173. What are you talking about?

174. Well, you know, the thing that you said earlier that you didn't mean.

175. And that I forgive you for. The whole thing's silly, isn't it?

176. Friends don't need to apologize to friends, as far as I'm concerned.

177. So we are cool.

178. I am not going to apologize to you.

179. It's like I used to tell my wife.

180. "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong, and if you don't like it, you can leave."

181. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one, too.

182. Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters.

183. Hence the green line. Green for money.

184. Sales, get it? There is this yellow zigzag

185. that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley.

186. Great.

187. However, in so doing,

188. it zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak.

189. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly.

190. What's the pink?

191. Menstrual cycles.

192. Okay.

193. Is there anybody up here, anybody at all, that can deal with this

194. other than me... You.

195. Well, there is the emergency disaster mode for the org chart.

196. This gives me full authority over every single person in the office.

197. I never said you could do that.

198. All you have to do is say it.

199. Okay, I'll think about it.

200. Say it. Just do it.

201. Don't think, say it. Do it. Five, four, three, two...

202. Do it. Give me control, Michael.

203. I promise to give authority back to you when this crisis is over.

204. Do it, Michael.

205. Do it. Hey.

206. This office needs a strongman.

207. Say it.

208. No. So...

209. All right, well then, you're gonna have to deal with this yourself.

210. Hey, Pam. I really like your glasses.

211. Oh, thanks.

212. All the girlfriends that I've ever had have worn glasses.

213. Oh, okay.

214. Yeah, it's kind of a turn-on for me, actually.

215. I should probably get back to...

216. Like librarians.

217. Entering the...

218. Could you just say,

219. "These are due back Thursday"?

220. No.

221. Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Okay, go ahead.

222. A lot of jazz cats are blind,

223. but they can play the piano like nobody's business.

224. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what happens.

225. I'd also like to see her topless.

226. Mike. Hey.

227. I'm very busy here, man. Darryl...

228. Have you ever been in a gang?

229. Why?

230. It's an advice question, and

231. if you don't want to talk about it, I completely understand. It's...

232. No, no, no. I know it's very, very personal.

233. No...

234. I have.

235. I knew it. Okay.

236. Who are we talking about here?

237. Crips, Bloods? Both.

238. God.

239. Yeah, them and the Latin Kings.

240. The Warriors, Newsies. Okay.

241. Okay, so dig this.

242. You're on the street and one of your gang disses you.

243. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, right.

244. So what do you do to get him to make it right?

245. Well, see, in the gang world, we use something called "Fluffy fingers."

246. What is that?

247. That's where if somebody really gets in your face,

248. you know, you just start tickling them.

249. Really? Yeah.

250. And he starts tickling you.

251. You know, pretty soon you're laughing and hugging.

252. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing.

253. Y'all can just go to church together and get an ice cream cone.

254. I would have never thought that

255. gangs would be tickling each other.

256. Well, it's effective.

257. I think it's self-explanatory. Hey, Jim! Come here for a second.

258. Can you answer me something as a true Eagles fan?

259. Oh, boy.

260. How do you live with a franchise this bad?

261. On a wing and a prayer, mostly.

262. All right, whatever you say.

263. Listen, while I have you here with Toby,

264. I need to give you a formal warning about your job performance.

265. A formal warning?

266. It's actually not a joke. I know how you spend your time here.

267. I know how little you care about your job.

268. And honestly, if you spent as much time selling

269. as you do goofing around with Dwight and hanging out at reception,

270. we wouldn't be having this conversation.

271. I'm sorry, is this because I talked to Wallace about your website?

272. Because I really didn't mean to go over your head.

273. This has nothing to do with that, all right?

274. I always appreciate constructive criticism about my job performance.

275. I thrive on it.

276. I'm sorry, then do you mind explaining it a little better?

277. 'Cause I'm not sure what's really...

278. Whoa. Don't get all defensive, all right?

279. It's just a warning.

280. If you want the details, Toby can provide them. You take it easy, all right?

281. I'd say all the goofing around at Pam's desk

282. and hanging out with Pam has finally caught up to him.

283. You know, with Pam.

284. Hey, what happened? What did Ryan want?

285. Oh, we were just

286. talking about bureaucratic stuff.

287. Because you're very important.

288. Yeah.

289. Oh, what's Dwight up to? Oh, probably nothing.

290. What the hell is this all about?

291. You're flipping my car for profit.

292. It's my car now.

293. I gave you a deal based on what you said to me.

294. Yeah, well, seller beware. Now if you'll excuse me,

295. I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay.

296. I've got a Mad Lib for you.

297. "A stupid, idiotic numbskull"

298. "named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra"

299. "to a smart and capable man named Dwight."

300. "This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight."

301. Okay, everybody. Shh. Listen up. Earlier today, Stanley sassed me,

302. and Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him.

303. They did not work, obviously, because they were stupid.

304. So I am now going to fake fire him.

305. What does that mean?

306. It's like a mock execution.

307. That's not a good idea. Yes, it is a good idea.

308. It's the only possible solution I have left.

309. Well, you can actually fire him.

310. No...

311. I've had enough of you.

312. Why are you telling us this?

313. Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay?

314. Michael, if you hadn't told us this,

315. then we would've thought that you were actually firing him.

316. I'm not firing him! I will need you to act like I am firing him.

317. Just... What I'm going to do is I'm going to pretend that I'm firing him.

318. And I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that?

319. Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson.

320. He needs to learn humility, all right? That's all I'm...

321. Okay, here he comes. Let's just play-act.

322. Stanley, may I talk to you for a second?

323. Stanley Hudson, you are fired.

324. Are you serious?

325. I am serious. We are all serious.

326. You are fired like a heart attack.

327. You're firing me over three words?

328. Yes. Have you lost your mind?

329. Do you think I'm gonna let you do this to me?

330. I've watched you screw up this office for 10 years,

331. and I'm filing a lawsuit, and I'm gonna tell them about every stupid thing

332. you've ever done up in this office.

333. All right, okay.

334. You know what? Now you know how I feel.

335. This was a fake firing.

336. Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice.

337. So I'm not fired.

338. That's it.

339. And...

340. Do you have anything to say to me?

341. Ooh, yes, I do.

342. You are out of your damn little pea-sized mind.

343. What is wrong with you? Do you have any sense at all?

344. Do you have any idea how to run an office?

345. Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before.

346. And I think, "There's no possible way he can top that."

347. But what do you do? You find a way, damn it, to top it.

348. You are a professional idiot...

349. Hey, stop it!

350. Okay, everybody out.

351. Who? Yeah, everybody except Stanley.

352. Let's go.

353. I can't find my glasses. Okay, you know what?

354. Why don't you take my hand and leave them, and let's get out of here.

355. Okay, okay.

356. It's Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans.

357. In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad.

358. And then in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he's mad.

359. So that's about it.

360. I don't understand why you keep picking on me.

361. Oh, for the love of God.

362. You just

363. do, and I don't know why, so please help me understand.

364. Fine. Here it is. You are a person I do not respect.

365. The things you say, your actions, your methods and style,

366. everything you would do, I would do it the opposite way.

367. Well, Stanley,

368. maybe you are feeling that you don't respect me

369. because you don't know me very well.

370. Michael, I've known you a very long time,

371. and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I've come to respect you.

372. Any other theories?

373. All right, you don't respect me.

374. I accept that.

375. But listen to me.

376. You can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss.

377. Can't allow it.

378. Fair enough.

379. I am a good person, and sometimes good people don't get no respect.

380. Rodney Dangerfield.

381. "Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all."

382. "When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got no respect."

383. "My wife likes to talk after sex."

384. "So she called me from a hotel room, said, 'I don't respect you.'"

385. "Thoughtless."

386. "You know what don't get no respect? Airplane food."

387. "Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food?"

388. "My wife don't get no respect. So... Take her, please, for example."

389. "If you don't get no respect, you might be a redneck."

390. "Respect is nice." Borat.

391. "What's the deal with Grape-Nuts? No grapes, no nuts."

392. "I don't get no respect."

393. So I'm thinking as a reward for our loyal clients

394. that we contact their assistants and we find out where they live,

395. and then, we go to their houses in the middle of summer and go caroling.

396. It is a summer Christmas sale-e-bration, and we'll call it, "A summer sales-a-lot."

397. Feedback, anybody? Stanley?

398. Has potential to be your best idea yet.

399. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

400. Damn it, Phyllis.

401. All right, everybody out except Phyllis.