The Office 4x11

Directed by Ken Whittingham

Ed Helms as Andy Bernard • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • Leslie David Baker as Stanley Hudson

Ryan returns to Scranton but not to a warm welcome. He is making everyone in the branch come in on a Saturday to re-enter data into the new website. Michael makes it clear that Ryan is the reason they have to come in on the weekend. The rest of the staff aren't happy knowing a computer will be getting credit for all of their sales.

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1. What's wrong, Michael?

2. I got gum in my hair.

3. - You do. - This just...

4. stinks. Don't touch it. Please, don't touch it!

5. - You got a ton of dandruff. - Okay, let me be.

6. How'd you do?

7. I was walking in and I noticed something shiny under Stanley's car.

8. And I gone under seeing what it was and I messed up my hair.

9. All for a stupid piece of tinfoil.

10. But, best-case scenario, you thought it was a quarter.

11. Kill me, right now.

12. We have peanut butter in the kitchen.

13. I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich.

14. Nope, not for you, it's for your hair. And it's 9:00 AM.

15. Dwight, not the good peanut butter... People are gonna get mad.

16. This is my hair we're talking about.

17. Smells good.

18. - Taste good, too. - Oh, don't, that's disgusting.

19. Lot of calories.

20. Well, just don't leave it on too long.

21. Keep massaging, please.

22. Yeah, that's nice.

23. Hey, Michael, how was your date last night?

24. I will be honest. The dating has not been going well.

25. Look...

26. Men are visual creatures.

27. We... crave beauty.

28. Like a piece of fine art by...

29. any number of renowned artists.

30. Or an arty photograph...

31. of Cindy Crawford nude.

32. That, but the women I'm getting fixed up with are...

33. Not that they aren't nice

34. or that have great personalities.

35. They just... They just lack a certain...

36. Crawfordness.

37. I am livid. Absolutely livid.

38. It's ridiculous.

39. Yes, I'm having the Scranton branch come in on one saturday

40. so they can reenter sales that they made on the phone,

41. as sales made by the website, which they should've done in the first place...

42. If the website had been working.

43. My favorite branch.

44. How's everybody doin'?

45. Man, you mind if I run something by you?

46. Love it! Go.

47. Well, I kind of feel like what we had going for us is our customer service.

48. And no matter how much we change this up,

49. I don't know that a website's gonna be able to replace that.

50. I can tell you've thought about this. I appreciate that.

51. - Thanks. - David Wallace does too.

52. You told him all about this at the Christmas party, right?

53. - I... I don't... - You did, yeah.

54. Watch your back, Jim.

55. I'm just kidding.

56. Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please?

57. I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan

58. because he's the reason we've to come in tomorrow. However, I swear to God,

59. if any of you hurts him in any way,

60. emotionally, or taunts him

61. or makes fun of his height or his half-beard...

62. Okay. Thanks, Michael.

63. I'm here today

64. to do some creative problem solving about Dunder-Mifflin Infiny

65. - and fill in your questions. - Question.

66. Why am I being forced to pretend a website made sales that I made?

67. This is a temporary measure to increase the legitimacy of the site.

68. I don't like when my clients call me

69. to help them use the website. I'm not seeing commissions on that.

70. I hear you, Stanley. That is a great observation.

71. Problems like that will not happen

72. when we'll launch Dunder-Mifflin Infiny 2.0.

73. - When will that be? - TBD.

74. Did the police solve the problem with...

75. Yes, yes, they did. Yes, they did.

76. Yes, the social networking feature of the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website

77. was infiltrated by sexual predators.

78. I don't understand why our website needs to have social networking at all.

79. I've to agree with Dwight on that one.

80. It's all about creating a one-stop consumer experience.

81. All right? You're chatting with your friends,

82. you're talking about the latest music. About the election.

83. All of it is happening in our virtual paper store.

84. And then an older gentleman asks you, "boxers or briefs?"

85. I don't get the big fuss here. I like the site.

86. If I had created a website with this many problems, I'd kill myself.

87. - You've a question, Kelly? - I've a lot of questions.

88. Number one: how dare you?

89. Ryan has done a very good job.

90. And I'm not applauding... sarcastically.

91. Think about it. A month ago,

92. nobody would go on this site because we were worried

93. out getting molested or losing our identity, having it stolen.

94. But now,

95. at a time TDB,

96. all of these problems will be in the past.

97. You done good, kid.

98. You done good.

99. Well, it has been nice seeing you again, my friend.

100. You too.

101. Oh, Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad.

102. Michael, let me go.

103. Let me go, Michael.

104. All right.

105. Do you know many girls in New York you might...

106. wanna hook me up with that might be interested in a...

107. guy like me?

108. - Nah. - Nah.

109. - Sorry, man - Well, you tried.

110. But, seriously...

111. You should see the girls I meet at clubs in the city.

112. - Unreal. - They sound great.

113. Bye, everyone!

114. Stay real, Scranton, all right?

115. Peace!

116. - Would you have sex with Meredith? - What?

117. - Do you think she'd keep it quiet? - I'm gonna go to my desk.

118. Jim, it's not the horniness, okay?

119. It's the loneliness. That's...

120. I know.

121. - Let's go to New York club with Ryan. - I can't.

122. You can. You're single, I'm single. It'll be awesome.

123. - I'm not single. - Who are you dating?

124. - Pam. - That's still going on?

125. Okay, Dwight, grab your stuff.

126. We're going to New York, to party with Ryan and to meet girls.

127. - Yeah! - Oh, yes.

128. Count me in, dudes. I am in serious need of some bro'time.

129. Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately,

130. - if you know what I'm saying. - I'm right here.

131. No, singles only. Singles only.

132. Also three is unlucky.

133. - Curse of three. - Sorry, Andy.

134. Cannot take any chances on curses.

135. Let's go. Everybody, I will see you tomorrow, saturday morning.

136. Probably wearing the same clothes that I'm wearing right now.

137. If you catch my drift.

138. We get it.

139. I am going...

140. to go get laid.

141. Good-bye!

142. With sex!

143. You know what? If we stay 2 hours late tonight without Michael distracting us,

144. we wouldn't have to come in all tomorrow.

145. So I caught everyone before they left, and I told them my idea.

146. And they loved it.

147. Because this is a group that respects good ideas.

148. The one time a year they hear one.

149. Ryan's assistant told us

150. that he would be at this club this evening.

151. It is called Prerogative.

152. This place is packed!

153. Fire hazard.

154. Packed with...

155. beautiful babies!

156. Swingers. Classic.

157. Jon Favreau, tall guy from Dodgeball.

158. Women look like white slaves.

159. No, they're just hot. Hotties.

160. I don't know. When you think about it, Cabo is really the third world.

161. I don't go to a place like that to see more poverty, you know?

162. You go there to get some glamour...

163. - What are you doin' here? - Well, you know,

164. just taking you up on your offer to party so...

165. That is so awesome, man!

166. All right!

167. - And you brought this guy! - Yeah!

168. Ryan, it's Michael and Dwight.

169. I know it's you guys! I'm so psyched you're here.

170. Well...

171. All right!

172. - Let's get a drink! - Let's do it!

173. Thanks a lot, guys! Good job!

174. Later.

175. Nice job, everybody.

176. Great work.

177. Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?

178. Nope.

179. I didn't.

180. Then let's go inside and I can call him right now.

181. We can't. I locked the office from the inside when we left.

182. Perfect. You guys worked together on this one.

183. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in 1 hour, you're both dead.

184. There is a master key and a spare key for the office.

185. Dwight has them both.

186. When I asked, "What if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?"

187. He said, "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

188. Guys, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine. This is Troy.

189. - Nice to meet you. - How're you doing?

190. Hi. Dwight.

191. You resemble the Tolkien character.

192. He basically is, man. He's a regular banking wizard.

193. No, no, not a wizard. A hobbit.

194. Model's service's here.

195. Okay... All I know is

196. I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour.

197. We don't serve food here.

198. Okay. Then... just bring me two cups,

199. one with olives, and another one filled with maraschino cherries.

200. Do you live in a regular-sized house?

201. Yeah, he's a normal guy. He's cool.

202. You really don't have his number?

203. I told you I have the number that rings here.

204. Do you want that number?

205. I might have it in here.

206. Wow, that's great, Toby.

207. It's so random that I have it.

208. Toby, you're the best!

209. When I put it in, I thought it might be a waste of time but it was worth it.

210. Great. It's under here as "security guard - home".

211. Did you not get his name...

212. No.

213. It's ringing... Anybody have his name, quick?

214. It's Eddie.

215. It's not... It's not Eddie. It's Evan or...

216. Hank. His name is Hank.

217. No, guys, his name is not Hank, it's... Is it Hedgar?

218. Elliot.

219. Is it Elliot? Hey... Chief.

220. This is Jim Halpert from... where you work.

221. You're the guy who sits behind the desk. You're the...

222. the african-american guy.

223. I mean, you're...

224. Who have I got here?

225. Dwight Schrute, man. How're Schrute farms?

226. - Good. - This guy

227. owns his own beet farm.

228. Insane!

229. Well, it's weevil season, but we were prepared.

230. "Weevil"... What a crazy word, man.

231. I don't even know what that means? What does that mean?

232. They lay their eggs inside the unripe beetroot,

233. then, come springtime, the babies eat their way out.

234. - Crazy! - Crazy!

235. That's too much for me, man. I'm gonna head to the bathroom.

236. - You've already been several times. - Yeah?

237. - Maybe you got a bladder infection. - I don't know. Maybe.

238. - I'll order you some cranberry juice. - With vodka. You're the best!

239. Do you have powers?

240. Oh, thank you, Hank.

241. You are a lifesaver, Hank.

242. Appreciate it.

243. All right, so Hank is gonna come down here. He's gonna let us all out.

244. He said it should be just under an hour, so...

245. We did it.

246. We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas.

247. Sorry, guys, but I don't think I tipped him for last year's.

248. Neither did I.

249. Jim was supposed to collect it.

250. - Way to go, man. - Now he's never gonna come.

251. By show of hands, who thinks we're a better couple than Jim and Pam?

252. Phyllis...

253. I... thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well, at one point.

254. I was thinking about getting Back to the Future.

255. "Back" because it's on my back.

256. And "future" because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future.

257. I just think a tattoo should mean something.

258. You know? And it's my second-favorite movie.

259. I've never heard of that movie.

260. Back to the Future?

261. Well, you should take a film education course.

262. - How old are you? - 40... I'm in my 40s.

263. That's so cool.

264. Yeah.

265. Well, I'm gonna go back to my group now.

266. Oh, okay.

267. - Thanks for the drink. - You're welcome.

268. This place is like a... like a sexy preschool.

269. You wanted to meet older women?

270. I would love a place where we can meet older girls.

271. Hell, yeah!

272. I'll hook it up!

273. That's dangerous.

274. Excuse me.

275. Yeah?

276. How did you all find each other?

277. We're the Jersey Varsity basketball team. North east regional champs.

278. Amazons!

279. It's off. It's not the dude I know.

280. But some other loser who won't let us in without chicks.

281. - You're kidding. - Let's bail.

282. Wait, wait.

283. You two, uh, Jersey state girls, let's go.

284. We're not going unless we can all go.

285. Okay, you know what? Fine.

286. Let's go, two girls to a guy. Come on, let's do it.

287. Come on, Ryan. Move out!

288. Okay, three or four with him. Let's go, come on. Here we go.

289. Don't step on him.

290. Hey, look what I found in the back.

291. Wanna play? Teach you to throw.

292. - I know how to throw a football. - Of course you do.

293. Yeah, Pam! Hip me up!

294. Go long!

295. There you go.

296. Wait a minute. What is this? I didn't order this.

297. It's for you. From them.

298. What are you doing, man?

299. It's not safe. Anything could have been in there.

300. Nice try!

301. I've never met anybody who does that.

302. You wash dogs? Very cool.

303. That's one aspect of small pet grooming. What do you do?

304. I am a bank teller.

305. Ryan told me to always tell a woman you work in finance.

306. - Cool. - I think so. Yeah, I have fun.

307. I'm just gonna use the powder room.

308. - All right. - So I'll see you soon.

309. Very perfect.

310. This... needs to be shared.

311. She washes dogs!

312. - You doin' it. - I know!

313. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but...

314. I think I want her to meet my mom.

315. Hey, man...

316. Do you ever think there's gonna be this massive nuclear holocaust?

317. And after all the major nations are destroyed,

318. there'll just be tribes in the jungles that rise up and survive?

319. That jungle warfare is gonna rule the world?

320. Yeah, maybe.

321. It's inevitable, right?

322. Please don't pick up.

323. - Hello? - Hank...

324. - Is that you? - Yeah.

325. - Still haven't left the house yet, huh? - I'm getting ready to leave.

326. Good. Please hurry.

327. Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks.

328. Will do.

329. I'll stop calling.

330. I am.

331. I am getting out there.

332. Well, no, I've asked a lot of girls to dance, mom.

333. They're just... It's not...

334. Listen to me for a second.

335. Yes, I shaved the back of my neck.

336. Oh, my god. Mom, I gotta go.

337. One of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls!

338. Actually, it's kind of too bad we're not coming into work tomorrow.

339. Why?

340. I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned,

341. like scrambled egg saturday.

342. More like, "Hey, everyone, let's get your boss laid" saturday.

343. I have an announcement...

344. to make.

345. I... am moving to Costa Rica.

346. Thought about it...

347. for a long time now.

348. And I'm finally gonna do it.

349. So...

350. I'm just gonna hop the fence and jog home then.

351. - Those girls really welled on you bad. - Why wouldn't they let me dance?

352. Okay, I gotta go.

353. Do not take him to a hospital.

354. - Pretty weird. - Do you have to go with them?

355. I do, I have to go.

356. - Stay, please. - Okay, no.

357. I have to go. Good luck against Con-college.

358. Call me.

359. I'm not gonna call her.

360. - I don't wanna go back in. - I know. Here we go.

361. Cleaning people. Oscar?

362. All you need is explain what happened 'cause I think they can help us.

363. Why are you assuming they only speak spanish?

364. I just... If they speak spanish.

365. Good evening.

366. We locked ourselves in.

367. Okay? It happens they speak spanish.

368. Lucky us.

369. This is a one time thing. You know that, right?

370. - This is it. - All right!

371. This is where the magic happens.

372. - Nice! - Very nice.

373. One of you can have the sofa, and one of you can have the floor.

374. - I got the sofa. - I got sofa.

375. Dwight, I got up the sofa... I'm the boss.

376. - I got floor! - If anybody needs to go to the bathroom

377. I don't wanna get my head stepped up.

378. Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me

379. - when we were sick? - No.

380. - Leave him alone. - It's a lullaby.

381. Ryan?

382. - Why don't you take your clothes off? - No!

383. Guys...

384. I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem.

385. What do I do?

386. I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.

387. Here's what you do.

388. You tell him that you're his friend, and that you're going to help him,

389. and that everything's gonna be all right.

390. And then you put a wire on him...

391. and you find out who's selling him... drugs.

392. And then you get that guy and you flip him.

393. You turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy...

394. to the people really, really bad.

395. I've been watching The Wire recently... I don't understand a word of it.

396. I wanna sleep.

397. You can leave the light on if you want, but please stop talking, okay?

398. Okay. Good night, Ryan.

399. Good night, Ryan.

400. Best night ever.

401. Like I said, it's not about the horniness.

402. It's about the loneliness.

403. And how can I be alone here with my boys?

404. Like a famous person once said,

405. "boys on the side."

406. But I don't... I disagree.

407. I say, let's hear it for the boys.

408. Son of a bitch.