The Office 4x1

1. Okay, well, I did not get the job in New York,

2. but I got the real prize, domestic bliss.

3. Jan made me breakfast this morning.

4. Well, she bought the milk.

5. It's soy.

6. This is why I do it.

7. That's what I have to come home to.

8. She probably won't be up for a few hours.

9. This is going to be a very good year. Very good.

10. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protégé Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff.

11. Andy and Dwight are rocking the sales team. I feel very blessed.

12. You know, generally it's not a good idea to click on any Internet offers

13. that you haven't requested. What was the exact offer?

14. It was for a video.

15. Yeah. What kind of video?

16. A celebrity sex tape.

17. Really? What kind of celebrity?

18. It's not relevant. How much did you pay for it?

19. Not relevant. You paid for it?

20. It all happened so fast.

21. I broke up with Karen after the job interview.

22. And it was

23. a little awkward when she came back from the city.

24. She told me very clearly that just because we were broken up

25. didn't mean that she was going anywhere,

26. because she had worked really hard for her career,

27. but the next day her desk was empty.

28. And as for me and my current romantic life...

29. I am single now and looking.

30. So, if you know anybody...

31. Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York.

32. I talked him through his breakup.

33. It's really nice to be good friends again.

34. Are you kidding me? Pam and Jim are totally hooking up.

35. All they do is smile.

36. They're just keeping it a secret. Right?

37. I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy.

38. They've been in remarkably good moods.

39. It could be other things.

40. Are you kidding me?

41. And Sunday, I'm thinking of going to that flea market at the drive-in.

42. That sounds fun. I'm mountain biking on Sunday on Montage Mountain.

43. Cool. Yeah.

44. Well, have fun with that.

45. Ladies and gentlemen,

46. I have some bad news.

47. Meredith was hit by a car.

48. What? Where? Oh, my God.

49. It happened this morning in the parking lot.

50. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life.

51. They did the best that they could

52. and she is going to be okay.

53. What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?

54. So she's really going to be fine?

55. Yes. She has a slight pelvical fracture,

56. but people have survived far worse.

57. Thank God you were there.

58. Yeah.

59. Did you see who did it?

60. Oh, no need. We can just check the security tapes.

61. Yeah. Kind of a good-news-bad-news there.

62. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.

63. Who was driving?

64. Oh, Michael.

65. One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway.

66. I wonder who he ran over then.

67. It's only Meredith.

68. Yeah. It's only Meredith. Thank God.

69. But did you see the way they looked at me?

70. Like I was a murderer or something.

71. Hey...

72. Why did you do it?

73. It was an accident.

74. Was she talking back?

75. No.

76. Just got sick of that face? Did she owe you money?

77. Is this downsizing?

78. Did she spurn your advances?

79. Hey, guys. We're all going to visit Meredith at lunch

80. and we're kicking in $5 for flowers.

81. Who's "we," you and Jim?

82. No. Me and Stanley and Phyllis, so far.

83. Oh, I bet Jim goes, too.

84. Yeah, I haven't asked him yet.

85. Oh, I bet you ask.

86. I was planning on it.

87. I bet you were.

88. Subtle.

89. What? Are you coming?

90. I can't. Sprinkles is sick.

91. She's been sick for some time.

92. Thank you for asking. No one asks about Sprinkles.

93. I have to give her her meds. I have to pet her.

94. And who will she eat lunch with?

95. Can't your other cats keep her company?

96. There's bad blood, jealousies, cliques...

97. Angela, you're the chairman of the Party Planning Committee.

98. I shouldn't even be planning this. It's your job.

99. All right.

100. - My lord, my liege! - Yes, Michael?

101. So Ryan got promoted to corporate

102. where he is a little fish in a big pond.

103. Whereas, back here in Scranton,

104. I am still top dog

105. in a fairly large pond.

106. So, who is the real boss,

107. the dog or a fish?

108. So I need a little treat for the gang,

109. something to win their affections back.

110. Back? Why is that, Michael?

111. Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.

112. Oh! Did you do this on purpose?

113. No, I was being negligent, but she's in the hospital, she's fine.

114. Recovering nicely, tiny little crack in her pelvis,

115. but she will be up and... Did this happen on company property?

116. Yes. It was on company property with company property, so double jeopardy.

117. We are fine.

118. I don't think you understand

119. how jeopardy works.

120. Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is "We're fine"?

121. People keep calling me a "wunderkind." I don't even know what that means.

122. I mean, I know what it means. It means very successful for your age.

123. So I guess it makes sense, but it's a weird word.

124. Hey, D. Hey, monkey, what's up?

125. Can you do me a little favor?

126. Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine?

127. Sure.

128. I have to visit the alkie.

129. Check to see if she's faking.

130. If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis.

131. You know what? I bet she cracked it at home,

132. jumped in front of the car to get some worker's comp.

133. I wouldn't put it past her.

134. So what do you need me to do?

135. I wrote it out. There's a diabetes shot.

136. Roll the insulin in your hands. Don't shake it.

137. She gets an ACE inhibitor with her meal. You have to put her right in front of the dish

138. or she won't see it because of the cataracts.

139. Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine.

140. And you want to give that to her 15 minutes after she's eaten.

141. And... Oh, there's a fungal cream

142. because she has this infection under her tail,

143. so you're going to have to lift her tail

144. and put the cream right at the base of her tail.

145. Okay, I have an announcement.

146. You pushed Darryl out the window? No.

147. You shot Dwight? No. No. That is not funny.

148. I love my employees even though I hit one of you with my car,

149. for which I take full responsibility.

150. Look, I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy

151. and on to more positive things,

152. so I thought we should plant a tree.

153. Oh, good. At least we don't have to work.

154. Okay, we're leaving for the hospital at 1:00.

155. So, like, a freedom tree.

156. I can take three people.

157. I can also take three people.

158. Separate cars.

159. Pam? All right, we'll get a card at the hospital

160. and we'll sign it outside her room.

161. Pam? Sales people can go later in the day.

162. Hourly workers can go at lunch.

163. Okay, good, good, so we'll just all go down there together at lunch.

164. Excellent. I was thinking that we...

165. Good work, Pam. But if we...

166. Yay! I think it would be a lot...

167. Pam!

168. All right, since I am the boss, I will drive as well.

169. Who wants shotgun? You can't be serious.

170. You ran a woman over this morning.

171. Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley!

172. Guess what? I have flaws. What are they?

173. Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower.

174. Sometimes, I spend too much time volunteering.

175. Occasionally, I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.

176. No, don't sue me. That's the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

177. I hate hospitals. In my mind, they are associated with sickness.

178. She looks like an angel.

179. She looks awful.

180. No? Okay, she always looks like that. It was not my fault.

181. I think she's awake.

182. No, she's in a coma.

183. No.

184. Okay. Meredith?

185. I brought all your friends from the office, dear.

186. At the same time. Yeah.

187. Hello, Meredith.

188. This is weird.

189. Brought you some balloons.

190. Why don't we... Here you go.

191. Tie these up. Cheer up your tubes. Oh, shoot.

192. Oh, for God's sake.

193. Nurse!

194. No, don't bother the nurse. Just put it back in.

195. I'm going to be sick. I'm going to puke.

196. I'm going to puke. I wouldn't worry about it. Don't touch it.

197. What... What are you doing? Just give me that.

198. Thanks.

199. Does it hurt terribly?

200. No. It's not too bad.

201. They have me on a lot of painkillers.

202. Oh, really? What kind?

203. Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? OxyContin? Palladone?

204. What? I have no idea.

205. Well, it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time.

206. I'll see you guys at the office.

207. Okay.

208. Okay. Wait up. Wait up. Guys, guys, guys. Hold on a sec.

209. You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun,

210. is if you forgave me in front of everybody.

211. Michael, I'm not going to do that.

212. 'Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness?

213. Forgiveness is next to godliness.

214. No, that's not what they... Well, just... Just...

215. You cracked my pelvis.

216. Look, I just... I don't understand

217. what is preventing you from laughing this off

218. and giving me a big hug.

219. You are not forgiven.

220. Come on.

221. Michael! Michael!

222. Michael!

223. Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked.

224. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked,

225. but it's not like this compulsive need to be liked,

226. like my need to be praised.

227. Hey.

228. Hey, monkey.

229. Any problems?

230. Well, you left the TV on, and your cat is dead.

231. What? Sparkles, the white one, is dead.

232. Sprinkles.

233. That was the sick one, right?

234. I thought she had more time.

235. No.

236. Did she look...

237. When you saw her, how was she looking?

238. Really dead.

239. Like, just a dead cat.

240. So... Hey, come on, don't be sad.

241. Just... Okay? Just...

242. She's in a better place.

243. All right.

244. Actually, the place that she's in is the freezer because of the odor.

245. It's going to be okay.

246. Okay, you know what?

247. Everybody, let's just get over the whole Meredith thing.

248. She cracked her pelvis, a tiny little crack, and she's going to be fine.

249. So, let's just...

250. Michael, Angela's cat died.

251. Sprinkles?

252. Oh, shoot.

253. I'm sorry, Angela. Man, what a day, huh?

254. How could it get any worse?

255. The computer crashes with the porn,

256. and then Meredith with the accident, and then...

257. Prinkles! God...

258. That's three things.

259. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed.

260. And we need to do something about it.

261. Well, I am taking responsibility, and it is up to me

262. to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car.

263. I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

264. Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?

265. Like what? Like park on it.

266. Or dig up a body.

267. Toby, do you have anything you want to tell us?

268. No. I did not violate an Indian burial ground.

269. In fact, I had some good luck recently. Alfredo's Pizza picked

270. my business card out of the basket. So, I get a week of free pies.

271. That's cool. Yeah.

272. Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck.

273. Satan.

274. Sprinkles never hurt a soul.

275. God, in your infinite wisdom, how can you do this?

276. She wasn't ready. She had so much left to accomplish.

277. It is only a cat.

278. You never... You don't like them.

279. Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.

280. Dwight.

281. Dwight, you haven't seen Meredith yet, have you?

282. No, I have not. Well,

283. I think you should go to the hospital and pay your respects.

284. I do not respect her, but I will go.

285. All right,

286. I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs.

287. Michael, you can't ask about religious beliefs.

288. Satan is a master of lies.

289. Everything he says is the opposite.

290. All right, well, then you can ask about religious beliefs.

291. Thank you for the permission. Psych.

292. All right, let's just go around the room and tell me what you believe in.

293. I'm a Catholic.

294. Okay. Presbyterian.

295. All right. Me, too.

296. For real? Same religion.

297. All right.

298. I'm a Lutheran and Bob is a Unitarian.

299. It keeps things spicy.

300. That's why we're cursed.

301. I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower.

302. You have more fun as a follower.

303. But you make more money as a leader.

304. Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.

305. That's Buddhists.

306. Are you sure? No.

307. What are you?

308. Well, if you're going to reduce my identity to my religion, then I'm Sikh.

309. But I also like hip-hop and NPR,

310. and I'm restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time.

311. Okay. So one Sikh and...

312. As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick,

313. sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery.

314. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive,

315. we could power a small fan for two days.

316. You tell me what's unethical.

317. Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.

318. Don't pull any plugs. All right.

319. How are you doing, Ms. Palmer? Better.

320. Excellent. Are you a doctor or a male nurse?

321. I'm an intern, which makes me a doctor.

322. Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy.

323. But she did, or at least she got time off for one.

324. So that is where her uterus went.

325. Ms. Palmer, your last tetanus shot

326. was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago?

327. Yes. Dwight, here, trapped it in a bag against my head.

328. Just doing my job.

329. It also says you were recently bitten by a raccoon.

330. And a rat.

331. Separate occasions.

332. You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you,

333. and then you run over one person with your car,

334. and it's not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case.

335. It doesn't make any sense.

336. God is dead.

337. If there was a God, then Ryan and I would be married by now.

338. Maybe believing in God was a mistake.

339. What did people believe in before?

340. The sun?

341. Maybe there's some sort of animal

342. that we could make a sacrifice to,

343. like a giant buffalo,

344. or some sort of monster,

345. like something with the body of a walrus

346. with the head of

347. a sea lion.

348. Or something with the body of an egret

349. with the head of a meerkat.

350. Or just

351. the head of a monkey with

352. the antlers of a reindeer

353. with the body of

354. a

355. Porcupine.

356. I will do some research.

357. Okay.

358. I can help you with that.

359. Okay.

360. So, just to be safe, they are giving her the rabies vaccine.

361. Oh, God, rabies?

362. I was in the hospital room with her.

363. How contagious is that?

364. Is that like an STD? No. No.

365. You've got to be bitten by something.

366. This place is so cursed.

367. Actually, the doctor said it was lucky she came into the hospital,

368. because the only way to beat rabies

369. is to start treatment before the symptoms set in.

370. Lockjaw.

371. I know a lot of you are very upset with me for endangering Meredith's life

372. by hitting her with my car.

373. But it may make you feel a little bit better to know that before that happened,

374. Dwight endangered her life by putting a garbage bag over her head

375. that had a bat in it.

376. Six of one, really.

377. Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies,

378. which is like 10 times worse than a little crack in your pelvis.

379. Thanks to me, she went to the hospital and that saved her life.

380. Curse is broken.

381. Curse is broken, people. Oh, there is a God.

382. And he has a plan for us after all.

383. So go home, get some rest. Very, very good work today.

384. Got a lot accomplished.

385. Is there a God? If not, what are all these churches for?

386. And who is Jesus' dad?

387. Oh, well, if they aren't together now, then they probably never will be.

388. I thought they'd be good together, like PB and J.

389. Pam Beasley and Jim.

390. What a waste.

391. What a waste.

392. I told you I'm not dating anyone.

393. And even if I was,

394. I don't think it's anyone's business.

395. I mean, when I do fall in love, like, when it's for real,

396. the last person I'm going to talk about it to is a camera crew

397. or my co-workers.

398. Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson

399. as I ever want to be.

400. Trust me, when I fall in love, you'll know.

401. Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton

402. Meredith Palmer Memorial

403. Celebrity Rabies Awareness Fun Run Race for the Cure.

404. This is Pam. Pro-Am.

405. Pro-Am Race for the... They hung up.

406. A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car to learn that she may have rabies,

407. but that is where we are in America.

408. And that does not sit right with me.

409. And that is why I am hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies.

410. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies,

411. a disease that has been largely eradicated in the US,

412. but not very many people know that.

413. No, rabies.

414. Babies would be a good idea.

415. Can I put you down for a dime?

416. Hi, Stankley, how many sponsors so far?

417. Zero.

418. Come on, man, got to step it up. It's for a good cause.

419. Jan called this morning and pledged $500.

420. And isn't that your money?

421. It is for a good cause.

422. Phyllis, how's the rabies quilt coming?

423. It's coming. Oh, look at that, three.

424. Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis. Michael?

425. Yes. You cannot make me run.

426. Okay. It is not a real charity.

427. It's stupid, Michael, and I'm not going to do it.

428. All right. All right. You didn't run for me

429. When I thought I had skin cancer.

430. I know that you're probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts.

431. No.

432. Okay. Well, back in olden times,

433. a large, fat person like this was a person of power.

434. A person who had money, could buy food, a person of respect,

435. like the regional manager of the day.

436. Whereas someone athletic and trim like myself

437. was someone who worked in the fields

438. and I was a peasant.

439. I just don't want to run.

440. I didn't bring my sneakers or my clothes.

441. Well, you're going to have to run

442. or you're going to be in a lot of trouble.

443. It is not olden times anymore.

444. I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts, it is a vicious circle.

445. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe. So they become more sensitive,

446. so they chafe more.

447. So I take precautions.

448. Hey, Angela.

449. Hey, I'm sorry about your cat.

450. This is Sprinkles. She was my best friend.

451. I kept her going through countless ailments.

452. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once and she is now deceased.

453. This is Halloween last year.

454. Just a couple of kittens

455. out on the town.

456. Pssst.

457. I'm having relationship problems,

458. and since you're always having relationship problems,

459. I thought you'd be able to give me some advice.

460. What's wrong?

461. I have this crazy thought

462. that I know is crazy,

463. that maybe Dwight killed my cat.

464. Hmm.

465. When I got home, Sprinkles' body was in the freezer

466. where Dwight said he left her.

467. But all my bags of frozen French fries had been clawed to shreds.

468. Something's not right.

469. The vet's doing an autopsy.

470. Angela, I'm sorry.

471. Did Roy ever kill one of your cats?

472. I'm more of a dog person.

473. So what's your strategy for this race?

474. Well, I'm going to start fast.

475. Then I'm going to run fast in the middle. What?

476. Then I'm going to end fast.

477. Why won't more people do that?

478. 'Cause they're stupid.

479. What?

480. No, that's not...

481. I mean, that wasn't...

482. Yeah, that was...

483. I mean, I can see how it would seem a bit like we...

484. How it looks like...

485. But, I mean, nowadays you can edit anything, right?

486. You can edit anything to look like anything.

487. Yeah, I gave him a ride home because...

488. Right.

489. We're dating.

490. Wow! There it is.

491. Yeah.

492. We haven't told anybody, but it's going really great.

493. Right?

494. It is going really great.

495. Ow!

496. Shut up!

497. You're taking this out on me, but I was only the messenger.

498. Oh, really?

499. You'll feel better after the 5K.

500. Exercise is good for depression.

501. I'm not depressed. I'm grieving.

502. We have raised almost $700,

503. most of it from me and Jan.

504. When do they put that on the giant check,

505. or is that something that we write in later?

506. Well, a giant check costs about $200 to make up.

507. I have a print shop standing by, but what do you think, Michael?

508. That's over 25%% of our funds.

509. That's a tough decision.

510. I always imagined it with a giant check.

511. Yeah, I mean, I personally am definitely on board for the giant check.

512. Giant check it is.

513. I don't know.

514. On the other hand, it does leave less money for bat birth control.

515. Bat birth control?

516. Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right, Michael?

517. That's what you told me when I contributed.

518. You didn't contribute very much.

519. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor.

520. And how's that going?

521. Not well. A doctor won't come out to collect a check for $700.

522. Or $500, if we go with the giant check.

523. Which we are.

524. And also, there is no such thing as a rabies doctor.

525. What about a rabies nurse?

526. I don't think so.

527. You know what, though? I've actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour

528. for parties and bachelor events.

529. That's possible. Look into that. Great.

530. It's going to cost a couple hundred bucks and... Actually more with tips.

531. Maybe we should skip the ceremony

532. and just set up a college fund for Meredith's son.

533. Have you met that kid? Not going to college.

534. Michael...

535. 5K means five kilometers, not 5,000 miles.

536. Come in!

537. Hey! Oh, my God!

538. What are you doing? What are you doing?

539. You said, come in! No, I didn't!

540. Just, please, get out. Oh, my God!

541. So I closed the door but the image of his...

542. Baguette? Dangling participle

543. still burned in my eyes.

544. I can imagine.

545. Come in.

546. May I enter the room?

547. Yes, or come in.

548. See how I did that?

549. That's the way you should enter a room.

550. You knock and then you wait for the all clear.

551. You couldn't have taken off all your clothes in the men's room?

552. Yes, but I have an office, so why would I do that?

553. On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office, just ballpark?

554. European offices are naked all the time. They're so not.

555. Besides, my shirttail covered most of it, so...

556. I didn't see where it started, but I saw where it ended.

557. Gross. That's not gross.

558. It is a human body. What is your problem?

559. Pam, you're an artist, right?

560. Think of me as one of your models.

561. Okay, you know what?

562. I don't want this to detract from what we really need to be thinking about today.

563. It's not fair to people with rabies.

564. And that's the point. Right?

565. Okay. Let's go have some fun.

566. All right.

567. They say if you're nervous around someone you should picture them naked.

568. I do not recommend this strategy.

569. Try picturing them with more clothes on or a funny coat.

570. Oh, I'm sorry. Is this a working office?

571. And not a French beach?

572. Okay, name please.

573. Creed Bratton. 75-plus division.

574. You're over 75 years old?

575. Eighty-two, November 1st.

576. How much is the prize money?

577. There's no prize money.

578. What? Is any of this real?

579. Check that out.

580. "Look at me. I'm Toby. I'm stretching.

581. "I know what I'm doing." Why is he even here?

582. So I heard that you were peeping on Michael.

583. What? No, it was not...

584. Look, I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine, okay? So, hands off.

585. Okay, everybody! Listen up!

586. Thank you for coming. Before we get started,

587. I want to say a few words

588. about this deadly disease called rabies.

589. And I'd like you to take a look into the face of rabies.

590. That should scare you. It scares me.

591. You people need to educate yourselves.

592. Three Americans every year die from rabies.

593. Four Americans every year die from rabies.

594. How many of you know someone

595. who has been afflicted or affected by rabies?

596. Show of hands. One, two, three... Too many to count.

597. It is truly the silent killer.

598. No, it is the foaming, barking killer.

599. And it is something that comes... Darryl, what are you doing?

600. I'm giving him a peanut.

601. No, don't give him... Just... Did you hear anything I said?

602. Look how happy he is.

603. He's happy because he's insane.

604. You know what? That's a perfect example

605. of the kind of awareness we need to generate.

606. Where's the nurse? This is the reason we're here.

607. Hello, Michael.

608. Oh, hey, I know you. Elizabeth?

609. Yeah. Right? Wow!

610. Very cool. You went back and got your degree.

611. I would like you to accept this check

612. for $340,

613. made out to "Science."

614. Make sure that that gets into the right hands.

615. Great.

616. You got it?

617. Okay.

618. Fettuccine Alfredo.

619. Time to carbo-load.

620. Just remember, folks, it's not about winning. It is about finishing!

621. On your marks,

622. get set...

623. Hey!

624. On your left! Wow, you're fast.

625. Doing great, Michael! Look at you go!

626. That's my boss! Yeah!

627. Think I'm fast?

628. I'm very fast. I'm like Forrest Gump,

629. except I am not an idiot.

630. Oh, yes, I will work out today.

631. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.

632. I've walked two marathons. I'm pretty sure I can handle a 5K.

633. Key is drafting, eliminate wind resistance.

634. Yeah.

635. Oh, we're in last place.

636. Oh, would you look at that?

637. Darn it.

638. Water? Water?

639. Water, babe? No! No water for me!

640. Not while rabies causes fear of water! Solidarity!

641. Michael, that's irrational.

642. Rabies victims

643. have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives.

644. So, the least I can do...

645. Oh, God, my nipples. It's starting.

646. Can we get another round? Okay.

647. Thanks.

648. So we've got what, another 20 minutes?

649. More or less.

650. That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock.

651. You got nothing to worry about. I put lmodium in Toby's coffee

652. before the race.

653. Excellent!

654. Simpsons.

655. Wait, lmodium or Ex-Lax?

656. I'm making great time.

657. Usually, I'd have to take a bathroom break halfway through a race like this,

658. but not today.

659. An estate sale. Want to go in?

660. I don't know. I'm really committed to winning.

661. Okay, but what if I told you that all the money you spend here

662. goes to preventing a disease that's already been cured?

663. Yes. That's what I thought.

664. Yeah. Right?

665. Let's do some good.

666. You have reached the offices

667. of Dunder Mifflin Scranton.

668. Currently, the entire staff is out

669. doing the Michael Scott DMSMPMC Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race.

670. For the cure.

671. Leave a message.

672. Oh, God. Alfredo sauce.

673. I'm getting a stitch.

674. God! Watch the nipples, Kevin!

675. Back off me.

676. How are you feeling? Better?

677. No.

678. Well, you look cute as a button. You've worked up quite a sweat.

679. The vet is removing all of Sprinkles' organs right now

680. and sending them to the lab.

681. I am a farmer, Angela.

682. What does that mean?

683. Okay, when a farmer sees an animal that is in pain,

684. that has no quality of life, that has no utility,

685. a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do.

686. You did kill her?

687. I sang her her favorite songs.

688. You put her in my freezer.

689. It was beautiful and gentle and respectful.

690. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.

691. Well, then, she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out.

692. Well, I'm not responsible for that! Get!

693. Hey!

694. It's okay. It's nothing!

695. I'm robbing her.

696. It's nothing! It's nothing! It's fine!

697. What?

698. How could you do that without telling me?

699. I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug.

700. I took care of that cat the best way I knew how.

701. Cat heaven is a beautiful place,

702. but you don't get there if you're euthanized.

703. I know a great taxidermist. I'll pay to have her stuffed.

704. Well, he's not great, but he's pretty good.

705. You don't understand.

706. Take bat bites seriously. Don't get bit.

707. Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother.

708. Huh? Angela?

709. Don't touch me, Dwight.

710. You like it? It's kind of designy and cool.

711. It was $8.

712. Oh, and I get to carry it.

713. And the winner is Toby Flenderson.

714. Have a seat. I'll write it down.

715. Where are we?

716. I don't know, like five kilometers from the office.

717. He couldn't have made it a circle?

718. I am not going to finish.

719. I can't beat rabies.

720. Nobody can beat rabies.

721. Rabies has been around for a thousand years

722. and I was a fool to think that I could beat it.

723. Yeah, probably. Hey.

724. Michael?

725. What are you doing here? Did you come back for us?

726. I can't finish.

727. I feel so weak. I just...

728. Well, you're probably dehydrated.

729. What do you want me to do, Jim?

730. Glass of water would be a start.

731. No. There are people

732. all over the world with all sorts of problems and afflictions and diseases.

733. They're deformed

734. and they're abnormal and

735. they're illiterate and ugly.

736. Symphonies don't have any money.

737. Public TV is bust.

738. I can't do anything about it. I can't, you know...

739. There's just one of me.

740. And there's a thousand of them.

741. And rabies wins.

742. Wow! You are a downer.

743. We were having a pretty nice day.

744. I'm still having a nice day.

745. You are? Yeah.

746. Hey, Michael, look at this lamp. $8.

747. That's a good deal.

748. And Michael, you don't have rabies,

749. and chances are you're not going to get it anytime soon.

750. So, you don't really have to think about it too much.

751. Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done.

752. Yeah, but there's other, better people out there who are helping.

753. You just don't think I am capable of making a difference.

754. I know you, Michael. I saw you naked.

755. You don't...

756. You don't know me.

757. You've just seen my penis. I can make a difference.

758. Remember, I'm the one who started this whole thing off

759. by hitting Meredith with my car.

760. And I owe it to her to finish this GD 5K.

761. No! No!

762. Finishing that 5K was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

763. I ate more fettuccine Alfredo and drank less water

764. than I have in my entire life.

765. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit.

766. Well, today, I had a triumph of the human body.

767. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end,

768. my guts and my heart.

769. And while I eventually puked my guts out, I never

770. puked my heart out.

771. I'm very, very proud of that.

772. Hey, Michael.

773. Hey, Mere.

774. How are you doing? Better.

775. It's ironic, isn't it?

776. I mean, I'm in the hospital for not getting enough water

777. and you're in it for a disease that causes a fear of water.

778. I'm in because you hit me with your car.

779. But I want to say, I heard you were trying really hard, so

780. I'm not mad at you anymore.

781. Thanks.

782. I'm not mad at you anymore.

783. Want to share?

784. Sure.

785. I'm not really sick.

786. No, I'm good.