The Office 3x9

Directed by Jeffrey Blitz

Wayne Wilderson as Martin Nash • Rashida Jones as Karen Filippelli • Ursula Burton as Hannah Smotridge-Barr • Mike Bruner as Tony Gardner • Ed Helms as Andy Bernard • David Denman as Roy Anderson • Melora Hardin as Jan Levinson • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton

Angela and Kevin were trying to figure out where extra money in the budget came from. Jan let them know it was money Dunder-Mifflin received for hiring an ex-convict. Michael swore he never hired an ex-convict. Jan informed him that the person must have come from the merger.

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1. Oh, she's absolutely adorable.

2. He.

3. Oh, sorry. He's... He's dressed all in pink.

4. That's his favorite color.

5. Oh, that's fun for him. Fantastic.

6. Oh, wow, look at that. How cute.

7. Thank you.

8. Oh, may I? Oh, sure.

9. Hey, look at me! I'm a baby.

10. I'm one of those babies from Look Who's Talking.

11. What am I thinking?

12. Look at all those staplers. What's a stapler? I don't even know. I'm a baby.

13. Hey, Mom! I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty, Mama! I want some milk!

14. And you know where milk comes from? Breasts.

15. Hey.

16. Hey.

17. Almost done?

18. Just about. Yeah.

19. Now.

20. Yes, I have started to see Karen.

21. It's very new and... Not really ready to talk about it openly yet

22. just because I think, once the word gets out there,

23. it might affect the way people behave around us or...

24. I don't know. Just not yet.

25. Yeah, Jan, it looks like a check,

26. a piece of paper of some sort. Receipt. I don't know.

27. Jan, this is Angela Martin from Accounting.

28. We have a rebate from the Federal Work Opportunity Program

29. and no one knows what that means.

30. We get that money for hiring an ex-convict.

31. I didn't hire an ex-convict, unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist.

32. I'm just kidding.

33. When did the check come?

34. Last week.

35. Okay, that's when the branches merged.

36. So Josh must have been taking advantage of this program. Smart move.

37. One of the Stamford people is a criminal?

38. Hey, Jan, speaking of Stamford, Hannah brought in her baby.

39. Jan, which one of the new employees is a criminal?

40. A reformed convict, and I'm not sure

41. so hang on, let me e-mail our H.R. Stay on the line.

42. Who is it?

43. Hannah?

44. Andy?

45. Andy?

46. Martin?

47. Oh, you are such a racist.

48. Wait, why am I a racist?

49. Because you think he's black.

50. He is black, right, and...

51. He was the last one... Stop it, stop it right...

52. Just stop it right now!

53. Okay, it's someone named Martin Nash. Yeah!

54. Michael?

55. Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype.

56. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice,

57. like a white guy

58. who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake.

59. I wonder what he did.

60. In our society a black man can be arrested for almost anything.

61. He was probably at a sporting event and saw some people pushing each other

62. and he intervened.

63. Why would anyone go to jail for that?

64. So what we need to do is to forget

65. about this whole Martin-in-prison thing.

66. People will draw unfair conclusions about Martin andlor black people.

67. Cool. Okay.

68. Angela?

69. Sure.

70. Let's protect the convicts

71. at the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace.

72. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit,

73. rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally, I agree with that.

74. Good.

75. All right.

76. Jim Halpert. I am so horny.

77. Okay, I can't help you with that.

78. Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna.

79. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly.

80. She seems pretty slutty, good for a romp in the sack.

81. She is dating Ryan, I think.

82. Oh, and I care, why?

83. She's high-maintenance.

84. Next. How about...

85. (WHISPERS) Angela?

86. Blondes are more fun. Come on, trust me on that.

87. Yeah, trust me. That would be fun for no one.

88. Okay, fine. Okay.

89. Pam, the receptionist.

90. Pam, should I go for it?

91. Absolutely, you should.

92. Jackpot.

93. Just try to be cool. I am cool.

94. Okay. Are you cool, really? I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm so cool.

95. Tell me what is going on.

96. Martin from Stamford was at one time in prison.

97. No! Be cool, be cool!

98. I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office.

99. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German

100. or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

101. Oh, God!

102. All righty, let's get started. What is she into?

103. I know Pam pretty well.

104. I know the things that she likes, and just as important,

105. I know the things that she hates.

106. So one of the things that she likes is pranks and the things that she hates...

107. Frisbee-based competitions.

108. Are you kidding? She...

109. I started the main Frisbee Golf Club at Cornell where I went to college.

110. I live to frolf.

111. Lead off with that. Okay...

112. She loves hunting.

113. She also loves those ads for Six Flags with the old guy.

114. Got it.

115. Also, do you speak pig Latin?

116. Hey, Martin. How's it going?

117. Good.

118. Getting settled. Ah, good, good. Good.

119. Just a second.

120. Hey, everybody, may I have your attention, please?

121. I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin, here,

122. has had some trouble with the law.

123. But I just want to declare publicly that I trust him completely

124. and that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb person, okay?

125. As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust

126. and I will show you a black man that I trust even more.

127. Pam, tell me a white person you trust.

128. My dad.

129. Danny Glover.

130. Yeah. Jonas Salk.

131. Who? Justin Timberlake?

132. Oh, please. Colin Powell.

133. Hey, I've got one. Yeah.

134. Jesus. Apollo Creed.

135. Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing?

136. Nothing special. Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants.

137. He says something ordinary like, "Yo, that's shizzle."

138. Okay, now slowly open your eyes again.

139. Who are you picturing? A black man?

140. Wrong. That was a white woman.

141. Surprised? Well, shame on you.

142. So, you all wanna know what I was in for?

143. No, that's not cool.

144. You don't have to tell them.

145. I really don't mind. It was stupid mistake.

146. I was working in finance and I got involved in some insider trading.

147. So, I spent a little time in the clink.

148. That is awesome.

149. I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for because

150. it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day.

151. What was prison like?

152. Not terrible. Boring.

153. We do the same thing every day. But at least we get outdoors time.

154. You got outdoors time?

155. Two hours, every day.

156. Sometimes we'd play pick-up football games...

157. Michael, why don't we get outdoors time?

158. Yeah, some days I never go outside.

159. Well, we are running a business.

160. What was your cell like? Not good.

161. It's a little bit bigger than Michael's office,

162. but, you know, I really only slept there, you know?

163. During the day our time's our own.

164. They had classes. I took some watercolor classes.

165. They have art classes? Yeah.

166. Did they have business classes there?

167. They did, taught by some Harvard Business School guys.

168. A lot of the guys also that were in the class, the inmates, a lot of them have gone on

169. to do extraordinary things in business. Terrible things...

170. It kinda sounds like prison's better than Dunder Mifflin.

171. Well, that's not true.

172. I would so rather be in prison.

173. Yeah. Prison sounds great.

174. No, you would not.

175. This place is not prison. This place... It's way better than prison.

176. Baby. Hello, baby.

177. Here, you want to play with this?

178. You can't give paper clips to a baby.

179. He could swallow them. It's okay. I've got tons of them.

180. You like that?

181. Pam-a-lama-ding-dong.

182. Listen, you're cute. There is no getting around it.

183. So, I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days

184. we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes,

185. smoke a few Macanudos, maybe even toss a disc around.

186. (SPEAKING PIG LATIN) Ut-way ooh-day ooh-yay ink-thay, am-Pay?

187. Wow. I...

188. Shh.

189. Think about it.

190. I'll hit you back.

191. Wow. That was... Wow.

192. Okay! Listen up, everybody!

193. You guys said that prison was better than this place.

194. And I heard you loud and clear.

195. So, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison.

196. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go!

197. Michael, it's freezing out.

198. I can't feel my toes.

199. Why don't we pump some iron? Anybody wanna pump up?

200. What is that, like, five pounds?

201. It's two-and-a-half.

202. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone.

203. I'm going back inside. Yeah, it is freaking cold out here.

204. Anybody wants to stay out, you've got about 27 minutes of rec time.

205. Oh, hey, man. Hey.

206. Did you have TV in the joint?

207. Yeah, in the rec room.

208. Like a 10-inch black and white?

209. Actually, our TV was bigger than that one.

210. These people don't realize how lucky they are.

211. This office is the American dream and they would rather be in the hole.

212. Oh, Andy.

213. I thought of one last tack you could take with Pam.

214. Yeah? What? Quick question. Do you play the guitar?

215. I play the banjo.

216. Hold on, let me think about that. Yes, that'll work.

217. But can you sing in a sexy, high falsetto voice?

218. (SINGING) You know I can, my man!

219. Yep, that's perfect.

220. Hey. Hey.

221. Maybe I'll get my banjo out of my car. Perfect.

222. What is going on?

223. I'm messing with Andy.

224. I'm sending him to all the women in the office with just terrible information

225. on how to get them to go out with him.

226. I love it. I want in. Who's the target?

227. Oh, you know what? It was gonna be Pam... Perfect.

228. But... But what do I do?

229. Just give me an assignment. Oh, you know what, though?

230. I feel like I already sicced him on Pam.

231. We'll give her a break. Let's think of someone else.

232. All right, everybody, there has been a lot of name-calling against our office today,

233. corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you,

234. who claims that prison is better than here.

235. And none of us can say, "Boo," because none of us have ever been to prison.

236. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet.

237. Somebody else who has been to prison,

238. who can tell you what it is really like.

239. I'm Prison Mike!

240. You know why they call me Prison Mike?

241. Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?

242. Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, biatch?

243. Whoa, whoa, whoa... Hey, pass...

244. All right. Yay, yay, yay, yay. That's just the way we talk in the clink.

245. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight.

246. I am here to scare you straight!

247. In prison you are somebody's bitch.

248. Oh, and you. You, my friend, would be the belle of the ball.

249. Don't drop the soap. Don't drop the soap.

250. Michael, please.

251. Where did you learn all of this? Internet.

252. So, not prison. And prison. It's 50-50. Both.

253. Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home

254. and recharge your batteries and come back in the morning

255. and be with your friends, having fun in the office.

256. What did you do, Prison Mike?

257. I stole and I robbed

258. and I kidnapped the President's son and held him for ransom.

259. That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.

260. And I never got caught, neither.

261. Well, you were in prison, but...

262. Prison Mike, what was the food like in prison?

263. Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelets. Nothing but gruel.

264. Plus, you can eat your own hair.

265. Wow. Prison sounds horrible.

266. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Thanks.

267. Prison Mike,

268. what's the very, very worst thing about prison?

269. (SOFTLY) Don't encourage him, Dwight.

270. (SCREAMING) The worst thing about prison was the Dementors.

271. They were flying all over the place and they were scary

272. and then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul out of your body and it hurt!

273. Dementors like in Harry Potter?

274. No, not Harry Potter.

275. There are no movies in prison.

276. This is my point. You guys got it soft and cushy.

277. This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome.

278. Your boss is nice. Everybody seems to get along.

279. People are tolerant.

280. People who would jump to conclusions can redeem themselves.

281. Nobody is nobody's bitch.

282. I hope that this scared you, and from me, Prison Mike to you,

283. I just wanna thank you for listening to me and letting me be a part of your life today.

284. 'Cause you got a good life! You got a good life, a good life.

285. So what do you think? It doesn't sound so great, does it?

286. Wow. Thank you.

287. That must have been hard for you to relive that. Both of you.

288. Yeah, that wasn't really at all my experience.

289. There's certain elements of what you performed

290. I've seen on television,

291. but it didn't remind me of my time in prison.

292. Okay. Okay, fine.

293. You guys think prison is so great. All right.

294. Well, here you go.

295. Okay, Michael, come on, let us out.

296. No! If you think prison is so wonderful, then enjoy prison.

297. Are we gonna... They are such babies.

298. I am going to leave them in there

299. until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom.

300. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas.

301. Hey, let us out of here.

302. Hey! I have... Shh.

303. This is Toby.

304. Hey, Pam.

305. Where're you calling from?

306. Michael, why is everyone locked in the conference room?

307. They were very disrespectful to me and to the office

308. and Martin has had a bad influence.

309. To think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt. It's...

310. Well, you're gonna have to let them out, or I will, okay?

311. You know what, Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so...

312. You know they're teasing you.

313. I mean, obviously this is a much nicer place than an actual prison.

314. We get paid to be here.

315. We go home afterwards and have social lives.

316. And we have parties here.

317. They're teasing you to be funny.

318. Okay, nutcases, get out of there.

319. Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don't you guys head home early.

320. Time off for good behavior!

321. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms.

322. Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford

323. to the convict, to my friend, back to a convict,

324. then to kind of a nuisance, actually, if we could be completely honest,

325. and finally, to a quitter. And I will not miss him.

326. And that is not because he is black.

327. (SINGING IN FALSETTO) So we've been told and some choose to believe it

328. But I know they're wrong wait and see

329. 'Cause one day we'll find it

330. The ainbow-ray anection-cay

331. The lovers, the dreamers and me!