1. The Stamford branch is closing,
and everybody's just packing up their stuff.Copy !req
2. Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats.Copy !req
3. That's the other thing
you have to watch out... Yo, Tuna.Copy !req
4. I wanna talk to you about this new boss,
Michael Scott.Copy !req
5. Yeah?
So what's he like?Copy !req
6. Likes, dislikes, favorite sports,
favorite movies, favorite men's magazines.Copy !req
7. You know what?
I think you just need to meet him.Copy !req
8. Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it.Copy !req
9. Good luck over there, Tuna.
Cross me and I will destroy you.Copy !req
10. Sounds good, Andy.Copy !req
11. This is gonna be an adventure.
Yes, this is going to be very interesting.Copy !req
12. All right, I'm out of here.Copy !req
13. See you later?
Bro.Copy !req
14. Hey, is that Josh's computer?
What?Copy !req
15. Hey!
Hey!Copy !req
16. How'd the run go?
Pretty good. I finished.Copy !req
17. That's great.
Yes.Copy !req
18. Why is that great?Copy !req
19. Because he accomplished something.Copy !req
20. What was your mile time?Copy !req
21. About seven.Copy !req
22. I could beat that on a skateboard.
Well, that has wheels.Copy !req
23. Yeah, well, my feet don't,
and I can still crush that time.Copy !req
24. Really, Dwight? How fast are you?Copy !req
25. Let's just put it this way.Copy !req
26. Last weekend,
I outran a black pepper snake.Copy !req
27. Really?Copy !req
28. I am fast.Copy !req
29. To give you a reference point,Copy !req
30. I'm somewhere between
a snake and a mongoose.Copy !req
31. And a panther.Copy !req
32. Man, what is taking Toby so long?Copy !req
33. Oh, I'll just time him later.Copy !req
34. And you'll compare the times?
Yeah.Copy !req
35. Are you ready? Set, go!
No, my groin's really tight, I can't...Copy !req
36. Am I being mean to Dwight?Copy !req
37. I don't know.
I did just make him run around the building,Copy !req
38. and I have no intention of timing him.Copy !req
39. This isn't even a stopwatch.
It's a digital thermometer.Copy !req
40. He does make my life harder sometimes,
and on purpose.Copy !req
41. Like, he tried to put meters
on the bathroom stallsCopy !req
42. as a way of bringing in
more money for the company.Copy !req
43. Hey, three more laps to go!Copy !req
44. You gotta pick it up
if you're gonna beat Toby!Copy !req
45. I should probably get back to work.Copy !req
46. Here. Who's here?
Nametag?Copy !req
47. Yes, please.
Karen Filippelli.Copy !req
48. Karen...Copy !req
49. Karen a-Filippelli!
Probably Italian.Copy !req
50. Possibly Filipina.
Okay...Copy !req
51. My branch is absorbing
the Stamford branch.Copy !req
52. Or as I like to put it,
my family is doubling in size.Copy !req
53. And that's all
I'm gonna say about it,Copy !req
54. because I have a gigantic performance
ahead of me,Copy !req
55. and I have to get into my head and focus.Copy !req
56. Who's next?
That's Andy Bernard.Copy !req
57. Andy Bernard.Copy !req
58. If I were you...
St. Bernard.Copy !req
59. I would fire Anthony Gardner...
What?Copy !req
60. before noon...
I'm not...Copy !req
61. to consolidate power.
I'm not firing somebody on the first day.Copy !req
62. No, no, not somebody. Gardner!Copy !req
63. The Japanese camp guards of World War IICopy !req
64. always chose one man to kill
whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived.Copy !req
65. I always wondered how they chose
the man who was to die.Copy !req
66. I think I would have been good
at choosing the person.Copy !req
67. Good morning!
Got the food, good!Copy !req
68. Looky, looky, looky. What I want you to do...Copy !req
69. Set it up in the conference room, please.
Make it look nice,Copy !req
70. as if you were trying to impressCopy !req
71. a much older man
who's way out of your league.Copy !req
72. Okay.Copy !req
73. Yes, I'm in a good mood today.
I'm excited to meet all of the new peopleCopy !req
74. and to see my old friend again, definitely.Copy !req
75. That's always a thing
that makes people happy,Copy !req
76. to have an old friend back.Copy !req
77. Hello?Copy !req
78. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Our first arrival.Copy !req
79. Welcome to Scranton.Copy !req
80. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr!
Hannah Smoterich-Barr!Copy !req
81. Welcome to our humble abode.
Follow me to your desk.Copy !req
82. Your ball-and-chain is right over here.Copy !req
83. You know, a lot of these people,
this is the only family they have.Copy !req
84. So, as far as I'm concerned,
this says, "World's Best Dad."Copy !req
85. There he is!Copy !req
86. Tony... What's your last name?
Gardner.Copy !req
87. Gardner! I knew that.Copy !req
88. There you go, gift bag for you. Okay!
Thanks.Copy !req
89. Michael, I didn't get a gift bag.Copy !req
90. Well, they're just for guests.Copy !req
91. If there are any left over,
you can buy one later.Copy !req
92. My bag's mostly pencils.Copy !req
93. Well, and coupons to various hot spots
around Scranton. All right!Copy !req
94. Let me show you to your area, sir.Copy !req
95. Come on, big guy.Copy !req
96. Can I have your pencils?
No.Copy !req
97. Hi!
Hi.Copy !req
98. I'm Pam.
Karen. I love your sweater.Copy !req
99. Oh, thanks. My mom made it for me.Copy !req
100. Really? That's so cool.
I've always wanted to learnCopy !req
101. how to knit.
Welcome, welcome, welcome!Copy !req
102. Take me to your leader.
Oh, wait, I am your leader.Copy !req
103. Wait, are you a robot or a Martian?Copy !req
104. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott.Copy !req
105. Hi.
Welcome.Copy !req
106. Wow, you are very exotic-Iooking.
Was your dad a GI, or...Copy !req
107. I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton
in six weeks.Copy !req
108. How?
Name repetition, personality mirroring,Copy !req
109. and never breaking off a handshake.Copy !req
110. I'm always thinking one step ahead,Copy !req
111. like a carpenter that makes stairs.Copy !req
112. Hello.Copy !req
113. You must be Andy Bernard.
Aloha and welcome!Copy !req
114. And you must be Michael Scott.
Aloha and hello.Copy !req
115. Very good. Welcome to our little kingdom.Copy !req
116. We have a bag of nifty gifties for you.Copy !req
117. Well, Michael, thank you for welcoming me
to your little kingdom. Mike.Copy !req
118. Nifty!
They are nifty!Copy !req
119. They're nifty gifties.Copy !req
120. You know who I really like
is this guy Andy Bernard.Copy !req
121. He has got this very likeable way about him.Copy !req
122. which is why they need a passing game.
Right?Copy !req
123. No way! Get him out of here.
We don't want any of this kind in here.Copy !req
124. Good to see you, man!
Wow, okay!Copy !req
125. How are you? Martin Nash, I presume?Copy !req
126. This is a little gift bag for you
free of charge.Copy !req
127. Follow me,
I will show you where all the slaves work.Copy !req
128. Not... So your desk is...Copy !req
129. Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here.
Oh, my God, it's really you!Copy !req
130. I was just doing a little joke there
about how we'd never met.Copy !req
131. I know, I don't care.Copy !req
132. Awesome! Good to be back.Copy !req
133. The place looks really good.Copy !req
134. It's really good to see you.
You, too.Copy !req
135. Where do I stand with Pam?Copy !req
136. No idea. I mean, we're friends.Copy !req
137. Always have been friends.
That is where we stand.Copy !req
138. Well, well, well.Copy !req
139. Look what the cat dragged in
from Stamford.Copy !req
140. Hey, Dwight.
Fact.Copy !req
141. I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.Copy !req
142. Okay, sounds good.Copy !req
143. What are you doing?
I don't know what you're talking about.Copy !req
144. Do I have a smudge on my forehead?
No, you look good.Copy !req
145. Why are you looking at my forehead?
I'm not.Copy !req
146. Meet my eye line, Jim!
I am.Copy !req
147. Stop acting like an idiot!
Okay.Copy !req
148. Hey, buddy. Welcome back.
Hey.Copy !req
149. How are you, man? Good to see you.
I'm good. How are you?Copy !req
150. So...Copy !req
151. Oh, I'm sorry, are you sitting here now?Copy !req
152. Yeah.Copy !req
153. Unless you really, really want it back.Copy !req
154. You know, man, it's really your call.
Cool, thank you.Copy !req
155. Let me get that for you.Copy !req
156. Got it?Copy !req
157. This one taken? No? Good.Copy !req
158. Yeah, Jim is a nice guy.
That's why I got the desk.Copy !req
159. Michael Scott, thank you.
I appreciate it, Mike.Copy !req
160. All right.Copy !req
161. Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced.Copy !req
162. Dwight Schrute,
Assistant Regional Manager.Copy !req
163. Andy Bernard,
Regional Director in Charge of Sales.Copy !req
164. So you'll be reporting to me, then.Copy !req
165. On the contrary.Copy !req
166. My title has "manager" in it.
And I'm a director.Copy !req
167. Which, on a film set,
is the highest title there is.Copy !req
168. Do you know anything about film?Copy !req
169. I know everything about film.
I've seen over 240 of them.Copy !req
170. Congratulations.Copy !req
171. Hey, Toby.Copy !req
172. Hey, Jim.
How are you, man?Copy !req
173. Oh, really good!
I just wanted to say hi.Copy !req
174. How are you? Hey, welcome back.Copy !req
175. Oh, is that, like, your new thing, or...Copy !req
176. No, I'm sorry, that's...Copy !req
177. No, that's cool.
No, it's nothing, we'll just...Copy !req
178. All right. Good to be back.
So...Copy !req
179. Okay.
All right.Copy !req
180. All right. Sorry about that.
No problem.Copy !req
181. It was...
What?Copy !req
182. Nothing.Copy !req
183. "I present the orientation video."Copy !req
184. We need to talk.
Not now.Copy !req
185. Which is higher,
Assistant Regional Manager,Copy !req
186. or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?Copy !req
187. I told you the titles are irrelevant.
They just relate to pay scale.Copy !req
188. Okay, so who gets paid more, me or Andy?Copy !req
189. It is not a matter of more or less.
Your pay is just different, okay?Copy !req
190. All right! Showtime, part one.Copy !req
191. Okay, who reports to who?Copy !req
192. I don't care, Dwight!
You all report to me. That's all that matters!Copy !req
193. The rest of it just work out
amongst yourselves, okay?Copy !req
194. And then if I want...
Work it out amongst yourselves, please!Copy !req
195. I have a company to run.
Will you let me run the company?Copy !req
196. I... One...
Will you? Please?Copy !req
197. Jim!
Kelly!Copy !req
198. Oh, my God, I have so much to tell you!
Really?Copy !req
199. Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes,
they had a baby and they named it Suri,Copy !req
200. and then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie,Copy !req
201. they had a baby, too,
and they named it Shiloh.Copy !req
202. And both babies are amazing!Copy !req
203. Great. What's new with you?Copy !req
204. I just told you.Copy !req
205. Okay, everybody settled in? Good.Copy !req
206. Why don't we all proceed
into the conference room,Copy !req
207. or should I say the banquet hall?Copy !req
208. For... Drum roll, please.Copy !req
209. The officialCopy !req
210. Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast.
Come on in!Copy !req
211. Don't be shy.Copy !req
212. Hey, champagne.
No, no, guests only.Copy !req
213. Smoked salmon!
No, for the guests it is,Copy !req
214. for you, consider it cow meat.Copy !req
215. Strictly taboo.
I eat beef.Copy !req
216. Well, then, consider it poisoned beef.Copy !req
217. It's no touchee.Copy !req
218. The beef is poisoned?
No, it's not beef! Just...Copy !req
219. Sit down, please. Welcome, help yourself.Copy !req
220. You might want these orientation materials.Copy !req
221. Wrong, Toby, this is an orientation,
not a bore-ientation.Copy !req
222. Okay, do not worry. All of your questions
are about to be answered.Copy !req
223. Cell phones and pagers off, please.Copy !req
224. Oh, this looks promising.
You won't be disappointed.Copy !req
225. Let's face it, moving to a new job
can be very stressful,Copy !req
226. so I have made an orientation video
especially for you newcomers.Copy !req
227. But it's not like any orientation video
that any of you have ever seen.Copy !req
228. It's funny.Copy !req
229. It's got a little bit of a zing to it.Copy !req
230. And I hope that it gives you a flavorCopy !req
231. of what we're all about
here at Dunder Mifflin,Copy !req
232. and what we're all about here in Scranton.Copy !req
233. So let's just all laugh together.
And watch...Copy !req
234. Sittin' in my office
With a plate of grilled baconCopy !req
235. Call my man Dwight
Just to see what was shakin'!Copy !req
236. Yo, Mike, our town is dope and prettyCopy !req
237. So check out how we live
In the Electric City!Copy !req
238. They call it Scranton!
What?Copy !req
239. The Electric City! Scranton!
What?Copy !req
240. The Electric City!Copy !req
241. Call Poison Control if you're bit by a spider!Copy !req
242. But check that it's covered
By your healthcare provider!Copy !req
243. It reminds me of the orientation video
Michael showed on my first day,Copy !req
244. The Scranton Witch Project.Copy !req
245. I am so scaredCopy !req
246. when people don't label their personal food.Copy !req
247. You like coalmines and you wanna see 'em?Copy !req
248. Well, check it out, yo
the Anthracite MuseumCopy !req
249. Plenty of space in the parkin' lot!Copy !req
250. But the little cars go in the compact spot!Copy !req
251. Spot! Spot! Spot!Copy !req
252. Well, so far, I think it is killing.Copy !req
253. I thought it would either be
an A or an A-plus,Copy !req
254. but I completely forgot
that there is an A-plus-plus.Copy !req
255. What?Copy !req
256. This is Karen Filippelli,
please leave a message.Copy !req
257. Terrible. Totally unconvincing.Copy !req
258. This is Karen Filippelli,
please leave a message.Copy !req
259. Not bad.
But you are Italian, so try it more Italian.Copy !req
260. This is Karen a-Filippelli,
please leave-a me the message.Copy !req
261. You feel good? All right.Copy !req
262. Karen Filippelli.Copy !req
263. Hey, buddy.Copy !req
264. Anything new to report?Copy !req
265. Do you mean, to me from you?Copy !req
266. 'Cause that's how it works.Copy !req
267. Sure thing, buddy.Copy !req
268. Am I trying to get
under his skin? Yes.Copy !req
269. Because the angrier he gets,
the more marginalized he becomes.Copy !req
270. Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there
laying on the charm.Copy !req
271. Hey, Angela. Check this out.Copy !req
272. It's my new screensaver.Copy !req
273. Do you like it?Copy !req
274. I do like it, actually.
Thank you.Copy !req
275. You have such a pretty smile, by the way.Copy !req
276. Thank you.
You're welcome.Copy !req
277. Hey.
Hey.Copy !req
278. What happened to grape soda?Copy !req
279. Oh, yeah, I'm trying to move away from that.Copy !req
280. Getting into more of a bottled water phase.Copy !req
281. You've changed so much.
Well, I'm evolving, Pam.Copy !req
282. So when do I get to hear everything?
Are you still getting unpacked, or...Copy !req
283. You wanna grab a coffee
or something after work?Copy !req
284. (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Tonight, actually?
No, I'm just still getting settled, so...Copy !req
285. Oh, yeah, no, you know, whenever.
Okay.Copy !req
286. Okay.Copy !req
287. Sorry to interrupt, I...
Nope, you're not interrupting anything.Copy !req
288. Nope, I'm... Don't.
All right.Copy !req
289. Okay.
All right.Copy !req
290. I should probably get back to work.Copy !req
291. Crack the whip. All right.
Yeah, I know, me, too.Copy !req
292. The day's going fine.
It's been a little chaotic, but it's fine.Copy !req
293. It's great. A lot of distractions, but it's good.Copy !req
294. Take a picture, it'll last longer.Copy !req
295. I'm sorry, it's just... It's a little distracting.Copy !req
296. Ditto that, my brother.Copy !req
297. Look what's on his computer!Copy !req
298. What is that, a squid's eye, or...Copy !req
299. It's my left breast.Copy !req
300. How did you...
Right place at the right time.Copy !req
301. Oh, what's that smell?
What smell?Copy !req
302. There must be an air freshener
plugged in somewhere.Copy !req
303. It smells like a funeral home.Copy !req
304. Oh, I'll help you find it.Copy !req
305. You know what, never mind.
What is it?Copy !req
306. I think I'm just allergic to your perfume.Copy !req
307. My perfume?
It's just my crazy nose.Copy !req
308. I'm used to different smells.Copy !req
309. Bob Vance bought this perfume for me
in metropolitan Orlando.Copy !req
310. It's made from real pine.Copy !req
311. Who's Bob Vance?Copy !req
312. You've a lot to learn
about this town, sweetie.Copy !req
313. I don't know who these new people
think they are.Copy !req
314. I've sat downwind of Phyllis'
stinky perfumes for years.Copy !req
315. Never said a word.Copy !req
316. People hate people
that are different from them. That's natural.Copy !req
317. But you know what makes people
forget their differences?Copy !req
318. A great show.Copy !req
319. That is why I created
the integration celebration.Copy !req
320. This is the momentCopy !req
321. when Scranton and Stamford
come together as one,Copy !req
322. united in applause.Copy !req
323. I know a lot of you must be thinking,Copy !req
324. "Wow, what a day.Copy !req
325. "It feels more like a night at a party
than a day at work."Copy !req
326. Well, in my opinion,Copy !req
327. business should feel like a night out,Copy !req
328. a night atCopy !req
329. the Roxbury.Copy !req
330. Okay, there's supposed to be music,
and it's...Copy !req
331. I got it, I got it, Dwight! Just...Copy !req
332. Do you have batteries in there?
Stupid...Copy !req
333. What is love?Copy !req
334. That's it! Yes, yes! Okay. Here we go.Copy !req
335. Baby don't hurt meCopy !req
336. Don't hurt me no more
Don't hurt me no moreCopy !req
337. Let it rock, baby!Copy !req
338. What is love? Baby don't hurt meCopy !req
339. Here we go, here we go!Copy !req
340. Don't hurt me no moreCopy !req
341. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.Copy !req
342. You and me! You and me!
Me and you! You and me!Copy !req
343. You and me! You! You!
You! You! You and me! You! You!Copy !req
344. Oh, my nose is so itchy.
Why is my nose so itchy?Copy !req
345. Probably because of all the nose candy.Copy !req
346. Okay.Copy !req
347. I told you these guys had a sense of humor.Copy !req
348. Very funny, Michael!
Okay.Copy !req
349. Really funny, Michael!
All right, all right, all right, I'm on a roll.Copy !req
350. Why are the new people on the table?Copy !req
351. To show them that we are not above them.Copy !req
352. Shouldn't we be equals?Copy !req
353. Not today, no.Copy !req
354. Tony! Please join your cohorts
on the table, if you would.Copy !req
355. This is difficult for me.Copy !req
356. Hey, I understand, we're all friends.Copy !req
357. No, I mean, I can't physically.
I can't get on the table.Copy !req
358. Oh, well...Copy !req
359. Just use the momentum of your lower half
to hoist yourself up.Copy !req
360. Okay?Copy !req
361. You know what? I'll help. I will help.
No, please.Copy !req
362. Don't...
Don't be shy. Dwight, let's do this.Copy !req
363. Come on, we're doing this thing.Copy !req
364. Ready? On three. One...
Let's get up.Copy !req
365. Bend at the knees. Okay.
Here we go! Here we go!Copy !req
366. I'm under this. I'm under this hock here.Copy !req
367. I don't know what I'm grabbing here!
All right, all right! Stop!Copy !req
368. Put me down!
But it feels good. Push it, push it!Copy !req
369. I'm right in your crack!
No, put me down right now!Copy !req
370. Don't give up! You got it, man!
Put me down right now!Copy !req
371. I've had enough! Put me down right now!
You got it, you got it!Copy !req
372. Wait, wait, wait, okay, okay, okay. Easy.
Hey, easy.Copy !req
373. I'm sorry!
Don't...Copy !req
374. It's just not going to work for me.Copy !req
375. I have to go.Copy !req
376. I don't understand.Copy !req
377. I was on the fence about this,Copy !req
378. and it's just not a good fit.Copy !req
379. Well, we'll squeeze you in!
I can't work here.Copy !req
380. I have to quit.Copy !req
381. You can't quit on the first day!
That's heresy, my friend!Copy !req
382. Okay, let's talk about this. What happened?
I mean, what...Copy !req
383. Was it Toby? Did he say something?
'Cause he's...Copy !req
384. No, Toby was helpful. He was very kind.Copy !req
385. It's just your management style.Copy !req
386. My management style? So...Copy !req
387. Didn't you think Lazy Scranton was funny?
No.Copy !req
388. Was it supposed to be funny?Copy !req
389. Okay, well...Copy !req
390. Don't bother quitting, because you're fired.Copy !req
391. Excuse me?
You are fired!Copy !req
392. I'm sorry,
but we don't have quitters on this team!Copy !req
393. Just clean out your desk!Copy !req
394. But there's nothing
in my desk except coupons.Copy !req
395. Don't try to apologize to me, man.
It's too late! Just get out!Copy !req
396. Take your bad vibes with you!Copy !req
397. That was my advice.Copy !req
398. Remember, I'm the one who suggested
that you fire him!Copy !req
399. Probably the best advice
you ever gave me, Dwight.Copy !req
400. And what advice has Andy given
to you today that you have acted on?Copy !req
401. Would none be an accurate estimate?
None advice?Copy !req
402. Fire Andy.Copy !req
403. Fire Andy.Copy !req
404. Dwight may have won the battle,Copy !req
405. but I will win the next battle.Copy !req
406. Tony was right.
This environment is dysfunctional.Copy !req
407. Well, maybe that's because
some people treat itCopy !req
408. like their own private Hooters strip club.Copy !req
409. Whoa, Angela, hold on.
Hooters is a restaurantCopy !req
410. with over 400 locations worldwide.Copy !req
411. Back to work. We don't have to get along.
We just have to work together.Copy !req
412. No, we do have to get along.Copy !req
413. Can't we all just get along?Copy !req
414. Or have we forgotten the words
of the Reverend King?Copy !req
415. The word "merger" comes
from the word "marriage"Copy !req
416. and that was what today was
supposed to be.Copy !req
417. The loving union between people.Copy !req
418. Instead, it has become like
when my mom moved in with Jeff.Copy !req
419. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.Copy !req
420. Hey, hey, everybody! Something happened!Copy !req
421. Those guys from Vance Refrigeration,Copy !req
422. they let the air out of our tires!
What?Copy !req
423. Yeah, they punk'd us, they punk'd us good!
Come on! Come on!Copy !req
424. Does Bob Vance
work for Vance Refrigeration?Copy !req
425. Does he ever.Copy !req
426. Man, they got us so bad.
We cannot let them get away with this!Copy !req
427. We have got to pull together as one
and steal their refrigerators!Copy !req
428. Yeah!
Yeah?Copy !req
429. I don't think we can do that.Copy !req
430. Go home, Toby. Just...Copy !req
431. Hey. Why doesn't your car have a flat tire?Copy !req
432. Why? I will tell you why.
Because they saved the worst for me!Copy !req
433. They put a hate note
under my windshield wiper.Copy !req
434. Check this out, it's so hateful.Copy !req
435. "You guys suck!Copy !req
436. "You can never pull together as one
and revenge us!Copy !req
437. "That is why you suck!"Copy !req
438. For crying out loud.Copy !req
439. No. No, no, no, no! No, you are falling for it!Copy !req
440. You are playing right into their hands.
This is just what they want you to do!Copy !req
441. Don't, okay.
What is with this guy?Copy !req
442. Got an hour? I'll try to explain.Copy !req
443. This is egregious!Copy !req
444. This is egregious!Copy !req
445. Trust me, it only gets worse.Copy !req
446. Is he always like this?
Sometimes he brings more costumes.Copy !req
447. When do people work?Copy !req
448. We find little times during the day.Copy !req
449. How are we gonna get home?Copy !req
450. Bob Vance has an air pump.
He said he'd fill all our tires up.Copy !req
451. Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.Copy !req
452. See that? Mission accomplished.Copy !req
453. They're like a bunch of fourth graders.Copy !req
454. Sometimes what brings the kids together
is hating the lunch lady.Copy !req
455. Although, that'll change!Copy !req
456. Because by the end of the fourth grade,
the lunch ladyCopy !req
457. was actually the person
I hung out with the most.Copy !req
458. Jell-O. Hi, Jan.
Michael!Copy !req
459. Did you fire Tony Gardner
when he was trying to quit?Copy !req
460. I did. Major personnel crisis averted.
Compliment accepted.Copy !req
461. Do you realize, Michael,
that we now have to pay him severance?Copy !req
462. Yes.Copy !req
463. You do?Copy !req
464. But do you realize that
that was actually Dwight's idea?Copy !req
465. Bad advice from my number two.Copy !req
466. What? No, no, no, Jim is your number two.Copy !req
467. What?Copy !req
468. He is the only one
who has worked with both groups.Copy !req
469. I sent you a memo about this.Copy !req
470. Yes, I know that, for I do read the memos.Copy !req
471. So, after a great deal of thought
and introspectivtion,Copy !req
472. I have decided to make
Jim my new number two.Copy !req
473. If he even wants it.
It doesn't come with a pay raise.Copy !req
474. No, it does, actually.Copy !req
475. So who will be your new number three?Copy !req
476. That I have not decided yet.Copy !req
477. Michael, I would just like to say
that you have handledCopy !req
478. this entire situation with great aplomb.Copy !req
479. Thank you, Andy, that's very kind, thanks.Copy !req
480. And I have to say
that your leadership has brought...Copy !req
481. Shut it. Shut it. That's...Copy !req
482. Suck-up.Copy !req
483. Hey, where you at, Filippelli?Copy !req
484. I'm at the grocery store buying
a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.Copy !req
485. What's wrong,
you didn't have a good first day?Copy !req
486. Oh, my God!Copy !req
487. Hey, you wanna meet
at Cooper's in an hour? I need a drink.Copy !req
488. Yeah, sure. Sounds good. I...Copy !req
489. Hey, you know what?
Can I give you a call right back?Copy !req
490. Yeah. Bye.
Okay, thanks.Copy !req
491. Hey.
Hey!Copy !req
492. I thought you had already left.Copy !req
493. No, I just had some other stuff I had to do.Copy !req
494. Good.
What's up?Copy !req
495. Oh, nothing, I just feel bad.Copy !req
496. I feel like things were a little weird today,
or something.Copy !req
497. What do you mean?Copy !req
498. I just think I should tell you
that I've sort of started seeing someone.Copy !req
499. And...Copy !req
500. That's totally cool.
You can do whatever you want.Copy !req
501. Okay, good.Copy !req
502. We're friends. We'll always be friends.Copy !req
503. Right.Copy !req
504. It's good to have you back.Copy !req
505. Yeah, good to be back.Copy !req
506. Saw your dork-mobile in the parking lot.Copy !req
507. What does it get, like,
four miles to the gallon?Copy !req
508. Try double that.Copy !req
509. Classic Trans Am, vintage American muscle.
Please.Copy !req
510. Yeah, my Xterra is pretty sweet.
Luxurious yet rugged.Copy !req
511. Leave it to the Japanese.Copy !req
512. Xterra's not even a real word.Copy !req
513. Actually, it is, it's Latin for "earth."Copy !req
514. Oh, so you drive an X-earth?
Yeah, that makes sense.Copy !req
515. I'd rather drive a classic Trans Am
than an X-earth.Copy !req
516. Yeah, I bet you would.Copy !req
517. Oh, by the way, 1985 called.
It wants its car back.Copy !req
518. Well, I hope 1985 has a time machine,
'cause I drive an '87.Copy !req
519. Speaking of time machines?Copy !req
520. I just got back from the future,
and I went to your funeral, and guess what?Copy !req
521. Nobody came.Copy !req
522. Speaking of funerals,
why don't you go ahead and go die?Copy !req
523. That was a really well-constructed sentence.Copy !req
524. You should be an English professor
at Cor-Not University.Copy !req
525. Idiot!Copy !req
526. If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a Trans Am.Copy !req
527. If you were driving a Trans Am,Copy !req
528. you'd be the smartest idiot
in the whole world.Copy !req
529. (COUGHING) Idiot!Copy !req
530. (COUGHING) You're the idiot.Copy !req
531. (COUGHING) Nice comeback.Copy !req
532. (COUGHING) I was making fun
of your comeback. That's why it worked.Copy !req
533. I totally got the best of that interchange.Copy !req