1. Good morning, Pam.
Copy !req
2. Oh, welcome back, Andy.
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3. Drew. I'm Drew now.
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4. Oh, Drew. Sorry.
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5. Apology not accepted.
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6. Because it wasn't even
necessary in the first place.
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7. Several weeks ago,
Andy Bernard had
an incident.
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8. But after five weeks
in anger management,
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9. I'm back, and I've got
a new attitude and a new name
Copy !req
10. and a bunch of
new techniques
Copy !req
11. for dealing
with the grumpies.
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12. Morning, Jim.
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13. Hey, Andy.
How are you, man?
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14. Good. Drew.
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15. What's that?
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16. You can call me Drew.
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17. No, I'm not gonna
call you that.
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18. Cool.
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19. I can't control what you do.
I can only control what I do.
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20. Andy.
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21. Drew.
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22. Dwight.
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23. How's it going, man?
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24. Yes. I have decided
to shun Andy Bernard
for the next three years.
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25. Which I'm looking forward to.
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26. It's an Amish technique.
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27. It's like slapping
someone with silence.
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28. I was shunned
from the age of four
until my sixth birthday
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29. for not saving the excess oil
from a can of tuna.
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30. Jim,
could you please
inform Andy Bernard
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31. that he is being shunned?
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32. Andy,
Dwight says welcome back
and that he could use a hug.
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33. Okay. Tell him
that that's not true.
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34. Dwight says that
he actually doesn't know
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35. one single fact
about bear attacks.
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36. Okay. No, Jim.
You guys.
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37. Tell him
that bears can climb
faster than they can run.
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38. Jim, tell him!
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39. Andy... No, it's too far.
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40. Damn you.
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41. Today is
safety training day.
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42. Toby is leading
ours upstairs.
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43. But I am giving everyone
a little bit of a treat.
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44. We are going to listen in
on Darryl's presentation
at the warehouse.
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45. And if I know Darryl,
it gonna be zoppity.
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46. Now,
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47. this is the forklift.
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48. You need a license
to operate this machine.
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49. That means
the upstairs office
workers can't drive it.
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50. Quiz. Mike.
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51. Should you
drive the forklift?
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52. I can and I have.
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53. No, no, no!
I said, "Should you?"
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54. You should not drive it.
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55. You should not
drive the forklift.
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56. You understand?
You're not allowed
to drive the forklift.
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57. It's not safe.
You don't have a license.
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58. Guys, I'm not the only one
who's driven the forklift.
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59. Pudge has
driven the forklift.
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60. Madge.
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61. I thought your name
was Pudge.
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62. No.
It's always been Madge.
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63. Okay.
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64. Her.
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65. Her? Yes, "Her" is qualified
to work a dangerous machine.
You are not.
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66. Okay?
Fine.
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67. Do you understand that?
Yes.
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68. We do safety
training every year
or after an accident.
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69. We've never made it
a full year.
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70. This particular time,
I was reaching
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71. for a supply box
on the top shelf
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72. when one office worker,
who shall remain nameless,
Copy !req
73. kicked the ladder out
from under me and yelled...
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74. Hey, Darryl,
how's it hanging?
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75. And I fell and
busted my ankle and...
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76. I'm legitimately
scared for my workers.
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77. The baler can
flatten a car engine.
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78. It can cut off
your arm and crush
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79. your entire body
without skipping a beat.
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80. Yeah!
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81. How many people a year
do you think get their arms
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82. cut off in a baler?
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83. Bale 'er?
I hardly know her.
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84. Damn it, Michael,
pay attention, man.
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85. Anybody want
to take a guess?
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86. Five bucks says
it's over fifty.
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87. You really want to bet?
Anybody?
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88. Ever since March Madness
ended, I am so bored.
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89. How many?
Okay. You're on.
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90. Ten people. Michael.
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91. Ten people.
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92. Would you like
to be one of them?
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93. No, don't worry about it.
We'll just go double
or nothing.
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94. On what?
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95. I don't know.
I'll figure something out.
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96. Nice.
What are you guys
talking about?
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97. These are very
dangerous machines
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98. down here and
the upstairs workers...
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99. Michael?
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100. should not go
anywhere near them.
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101. Yes. Yes.
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102. But it wouldn't be
the worst thing
in the world...
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103. It would be the worst thing
in the world. It would.
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104. What the hell is
wrong with this man?
Very much so.
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105. It's a big red
trash compactor.
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106. It's not a trash compactor!
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107. It's very dangerous, okay.
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108. Don't disrespect a baler,
Mike.
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109. All right, all right,
I got it! I got it!
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110. Only on the rarest of
occasions would I go near...
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111. No, you don't touch it!
There is no occasion
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112. for you to go near
this stuff, okay?
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113. Toby now has the floor
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114. and he is going to
try not to screw this up
Copy !req
115. like everything
else in his life.
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116. Let me rephrase that.
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117. I believe that you
can do safety training
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118. and make it sound
just as good as Darryl.
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119. Here we go!
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120. Okay, one thing
you're going to want to
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121. look out for is
carpal tunnel syndrome.
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122. It's recommended that
you take a 10-minute
break
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123. from typing every hour.
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124. For your circulation,
you're going to
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125. want to get up
out of your chairs
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126. and move around for
about 10 minutes every hour.
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127. Yes. Good. Fine.
Like stretching and...
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128. Yeah, your computer screen
can be a big strain on
your eyes,
Copy !req
129. so it's also recommended that
you step away for about
10 minutes every hour.
Copy !req
130. Wow? That is...
That time really adds up.
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131. That's like a half an hour,
every hour?
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132. Take them at the same time.
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133. Okay. You know what?
You're making it
sound kind of lame.
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134. So skip ahead to
the really dangerous stuff.
Copy !req
135. Like sometimes computers
can explode, can they not?
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136. No. No.
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137. You always want to
keep a sweater or cardigan
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138. of some sort
in case it gets drafty.
Copy !req
139. What about
a long-sleeved tee?
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140. That will work.
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141. Long johns?
A shawl?
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142. You know,
anything that warms you.
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143. Okay, you know what,
I think that everybody
Copy !req
144. is going to vomit
due to boredom.
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145. Sorry. He is very lame.
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146. Let's see.
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147. Seasonal affective disorder.
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148. A depression that
includes weight gain,
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149. fatigue, irritability,
brought on by
the low light of winter.
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150. Thank God we only had
a baler to deal with.
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151. Yeah, that dim light
is a bitch, ain't it?
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152. Okay. Guys, you know what?
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153. I didn't interrupt when you
were having your presentation.
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154. Actually, you did.
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155. Yes.
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156. Okay. Let's do another one.
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157. This is a good one.
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158. A particular concern for
office workers
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159. is a sedimentary lifestyle
which can contribute...
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160. Sedentary.
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161. Yes. Which can
contribute to heart disease.
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162. Heart disease kills
more people than balers.
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163. That's called having
a fat butt, Michael.
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164. No. No, it's sedentary.
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165. Yeah,
that's fat butt disease.
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166. That's what you suffer from?
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167. You have fat butt disease,
Michael?
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168. Excuse me,
sea monster, you weigh
like a thousand pounds.
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169. Yeah?
Yeah.
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170. I bet you'd like to swim
with this sea monster,
wouldn't you?
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171. Ryan!
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172. Dude, please tell
your girl to shut up.
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173. What?
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174. Kelly, you've insulted
the gentleman.
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175. Please apologize.
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176. Are you kidding me?
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177. All right,
we out of here.
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178. Darryl, I did not walk out
in the middle of yours, so...
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179. Yeah, but ours was real,
Michael.
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180. Yes.
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181. That's what we've been
trying to tell you, Mike.
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182. It's serious down there.
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183. We do dangerous stuff, man.
This is shenanigans,
foolishness.
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184. Nerf ball.
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185. You live a sweet
little nerfy life
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186. sitting on your biscuit
Copy !req
187. never having to risk it.
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188. Okay.
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189. What?
So, Nerf isn't cool anymore?
Copy !req
190. Darryl thinks
he's such a man because
he works in a warehouse.
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191. Well, big deal!
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192. I worked in a warehouse.
Men's Wearhouse.
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193. I was a greeter.
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194. I'd like to see
Darryl greet people.
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195. He'd probably make
them feel like wimps.
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196. Not me, I...
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197. Hello, I'm Michael.
Welcome to Men's Wearhouse.
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198. We have a special
on khaki pants today.
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199. This is one example.
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200. Ten.
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201. Really? Ten?
That's your guess?
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202. You're
a professional accountant.
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203. There's, like,
10 green ones.
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204. Forty-two.
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205. I'm going to say 50.
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206. 51.
Don't be that person.
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207. Oh, come on. That is lame.
It's a strategy.
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208. It's called being smart.
Thank you.
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209. Oh, jeez.
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210. I don't know how the whole
betting thing started,
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211. but it's fun.
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212. Ten.
Ten's out.
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213. Damn it!
Forty-seven, 48,
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214. forty-nine. Jim wins.
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215. That is not fair.
Copy !req
216. He has spent hours up here
at reception with you.
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217. Hours and hours.
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218. Okay. Okay.
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219. No, constantly.
Like for years.
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220. Okay.
Copy !req
221. Pam, depression is
as scary as a baler,
right?
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222. I don't
understand the question.
Copy !req
223. Working in an office
can lead to depression,
which can lead to suicide.
Copy !req
224. I mean this is
really serious stuff.
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225. Yeah.
Copy !req
226. Nobody commits suicide
because they work with
a baler.
Copy !req
227. And yet those guys
are making fun of me,
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228. calling me a Nerf.
Copy !req
229. That...
Copy !req
230. It's really hard to
demonstrate depression.
Copy !req
231. Their safety training
had visuals.
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232. Yeah.
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233. You are so right.
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234. They have visual aids
and all we had were the facts.
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235. You don't go to
the science museum
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236. and get handed
a pamphlet on electricity.
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237. You go to the science museum
and you put your hand on
a metal ball
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238. and your hair
sticks up straight.
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239. And you know science.
Copy !req
240. So, you're okay?
Copy !req
241. Indubitably.
Copy !req
242. They used props,
they used visual aids
Copy !req
243. and they just made
us look like dopes.
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244. Idiots!
God, what are we going to do?
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245. I don't know. I don't know.
Copy !req
246. Because you know
what our killer is?
Copy !req
247. Depression.
Wolves.
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248. Depression.
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249. Visual aids.
Yes.
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250. A quilt. A depression quilt.
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251. No time to sew a quilt.
Copy !req
252. I got it.
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253. Get me the number for
the Giant Big Box Toy Store.
Copy !req
254. You may be asking yourself
Copy !req
255. what am I doing
on a trampoline?
Copy !req
256. Well, I thought I'd
bounce here for a while,
Copy !req
257. relieve some stress
and then move on with my day.
Copy !req
258. Not. Here's a plan.
Copy !req
259. Dwight is going to gather
Copy !req
260. all of the office workers
and all of the warehouse guys
Copy !req
261. and we're going to have
another safety seminar.
Copy !req
262. Only this time,
where's Michael?
Copy !req
263. Oh, my God,
he is on the roof.
Copy !req
264. And now I have
got their attention.
Copy !req
265. I tell them about
the cold hard facts
of depression.
Copy !req
266. And then I say, "Hey,
you ever seen a suicide?"
Copy !req
267. And I jump.
Copy !req
268. And they freak out.
And they get to see
Copy !req
269. the dangers of depression
with their own eyes.
Copy !req
270. Nice side note,
they might think,
Copy !req
271. "Hey, I should have
been nicer to Michael."
Copy !req
272. But that's not
why I'm doing this.
Copy !req
273. Then I land on the trampoline,
Copy !req
274. take a couple
extra bounces for fun.
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275. I climb off,
walk around the corner,
Copy !req
276. ta-freaking-da.
Copy !req
277. So then
the next movie moves
to the top of the queue.
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278. So number five
becomes number four,
Copy !req
279. number six
becomes number five,
Copy !req
280. number three
becomes number two,
etcetera, etcetera.
Copy !req
281. And let's just say
that I just sent back
Copy !req
282. Love Actually,
which was awesome.
Copy !req
283. And they sent
me Uptown Girls,
which is also awesome.
Copy !req
284. But guess what,
now I want to see
Love Actually again,
Copy !req
285. but it's at
the bottom of the queue.
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286. Oh, no, what do I do?
Copy !req
287. What I do is this.
Copy !req
288. I go online,
I go click, click, click
Copy !req
289. and I change
the order of the queue,
Copy !req
290. so that I can
see Love Actually
as soon as I want to.
Copy !req
291. It's so easy, Ryan.
Copy !req
292. Do you really not
know how Netflix works?
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293. I guess I forgot.
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294. You're such a ditz.
Copy !req
295. Ryan, well done.
Two minutes, 42 seconds.
Copy !req
296. Additionally, Pam,
you win $10
Copy !req
297. because she said
"awesome" 12 times.
Copy !req
298. And Jim, you win $5
because she mentioned
six romantic comedies.
Copy !req
299. Okay, let's do this thing!
I'll go summon the troops!
Copy !req
300. Maybe we should
test this first.
Copy !req
301. Letterman style.
Throw a TV over or...
Copy !req
302. We measured it once.
Copy !req
303. Go buy some watermelons.
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304. Seedless?
Copy !req
305. Just...
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306. Creed is eating an apple.
Copy !req
307. I found a potato.
Copy !req
308. Hey, Creed.
Copy !req
309. Hey.
Copy !req
310. Yes!
Copy !req
311. Here you go.
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312. What?
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313. Nice!
Copy !req
314. I don't know
this place as well
as I thought I did.
Copy !req
315. I'm getting cleaned out.
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316. Ready?
Copy !req
317. Let's do it.
Drop that sucker.
Copy !req
318. Yeah! Bingo!
Copy !req
319. Deactivate the car alarm,
clean up the mess.
Copy !req
320. Okay.
Copy !req
321. Find out whose car that is.
Copy !req
322. If it's Stanley's,
call the offices
of James P. Albini,
Copy !req
323. see if he handles
hate crimes.
Copy !req
324. Got it.
Copy !req
325. Also, take apart
the trampoline.
Stick it in the baler.
Copy !req
326. We're not allowed
to use the baler.
Copy !req
327. Have Padge do it
or the sea monster.
Copy !req
328. I'm on it.
Copy !req
329. I'm temporarily
lifting the shun.
Copy !req
330. Thank you.
Copy !req
331. It means nothing.
I need you to do
something for me.
Copy !req
332. Anything.
Copy !req
333. Okay, calm down.
Copy !req
334. I need you to acquire
an inflatable house
andlor castle.
Copy !req
335. You mean a Moonbounce.
Copy !req
336. What do you think?
You've got an hour.
Copy !req
337. I'm going to need petty cash.
Copy !req
338. Shunning resumed.
Copy !req
339. Do you want a drawbridge?
Copy !req
340. Un-shun.
Copy !req
341. Yeah, that sounds good.
Re-shun.
Copy !req
342. Oh, yeah, this is much better.
It's safer.
Copy !req
343. Excellent decision.
Copy !req
344. Yes.
Thank you for seeing that.
Copy !req
345. When you land, try and
land like an eight-year-old.
Copy !req
346. These bouncy castles
are not designed for
adults.
Copy !req
347. I don't know
if I want to do this.
Copy !req
348. Want to do another test?
Copy !req
349. I got plenty of
watermelons in my trunk.
Copy !req
350. No.
Copy !req
351. No more.
The tests are going terrible.
Copy !req
352. If we keep doing them,
I'm not going to want
to jump.
Copy !req
353. This is about doing,
not thinking.
Copy !req
354. Right!
Copy !req
355. Doing!
Totally doing!
Copy !req
356. Let's rock and roll!
Rock and roll!
Copy !req
357. Yeah!
That's right,
I'm not thinking!
Copy !req
358. Yes! Yeah!
Copy !req
359. Michael is awesome
Copy !req
360. (WHOOPING)
Jumping off the roof
Copy !req
361. Bouncing on a bouncy thing
Copy !req
362. Show them who is boss
Copy !req
363. Rip a hole in the sun!
Copy !req
364. I am ready to do this!
Copy !req
365. I'm ready to make a point!
Copy !req
366. Hey! Guys, listen up,
Copy !req
367. Michael is up on the roof
and acting strange.
Copy !req
368. What's the situation?
Copy !req
369. Un-shun.
I think he's suffering
from depression. Re-shun.
Copy !req
370. Okay, when is the shunning
thing going to end?
Copy !req
371. Un-shun. Never. Re-shun.
Copy !req
372. I think he wants
you all to come out
Copy !req
373. to the parking lot
and watch him die.
Copy !req
374. Is it nice outside?
Copy !req
375. It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Copy !req
376. Do I need my jacket?
Copy !req
377. No, it really is.
It's very nice.
Copy !req
378. Come on!
Copy !req
379. Will I be too warm
in a long-sleeved tee?
Copy !req
380. Everyone's going
to be fine in exactly what
they're wearing! Let's go!
Copy !req
381. Let's go!
Copy !req
382. Come on! Hurry up, you guys!
Copy !req
383. My life!
Copy !req
384. Oh, my life!
Copy !req
385. Michael, what's wrong?
Copy !req
386. Everything's wrong.
Copy !req
387. The stress of
my modern office
Copy !req
388. has caused me to go
into a depression!
Copy !req
389. Depression?
Isn't that just a fancy
word for feeling bummed out?
Copy !req
390. Dwight, you ignorant slut.
Copy !req
391. Depression is
a very serious illness.
Copy !req
392. Over 32,000 people
commit suicide every year
Copy !req
393. according to a 2004 study.
Copy !req
394. Is that the last year
the data was available?
Copy !req
395. Yes.
Copy !req
396. My head is in
such pain and turmoil.
Copy !req
397. Don't do anything rash.
Copy !req
398. Dwight,
where are the warehouse guys?
Copy !req
399. I didn't...
Copy !req
400. I didn't think you
needed them for this part.
Copy !req
401. Okay. That's...
Copy !req
402. You said to just...
Copy !req
403. That's the whole point,
dummy.
Copy !req
404. Okay. I'm on it.
Copy !req
405. Okay?
Copy !req
406. Attention,
blue-collar workers!
Copy !req
407. What are the odds that
this is in any way real?
Copy !req
408. I'd say, like, 10,000 to one.
Copy !req
409. Okay, I'd like 10
bucks on those odds.
Copy !req
410. If someone gives
you 10,000 to one
on anything, you take it.
Copy !req
411. If John Mellencamp
ever wins an Oscar,
Copy !req
412. I am going to be
a very rich dude.
Copy !req
413. Michael is up on the roof
and he's acting strange.
Copy !req
414. Oh, my life.
Copy !req
415. Michael, what's wrong?
Copy !req
416. Everything is wrong, Dwight.
Copy !req
417. The stress of
my modern office
has made me depressed.
Copy !req
418. Depressed?
Isn't that just a fancy
word for feeling bummed out?
Copy !req
419. Dwight, you ignorant slut!
Copy !req
420. Well, you know, the first
performance was a little off,
Copy !req
421. but I really think
they hit their stride
in the second show.
Copy !req
422. I might even bring my parents
tomorrow to the matinee.
Copy !req
423. And that is why...
Copy !req
424. Oh, excuse me.
It's my favorite part.
Copy !req
425. I am going to
jump off this roof!
Copy !req
426. This is just offensive.
Copy !req
427. At least we're outside.
Copy !req
428. Hey, check it out,
there's a castle
over there.
Copy !req
429. Oh, my God,
there is a castle.
Copy !req
430. No.
There's nothing to
see over there, people.
Copy !req
431. There's nothing to see.
Copy !req
432. They found the castle,
Michael.
Copy !req
433. Damn it!
Copy !req
434. Oh, God. Oh, my God,
he's going to jump.
Copy !req
435. He's going to kill himself
pretending to kill himself.
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436. Yeah.
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437. Excuse me.
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438. Hey, Michael,
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439. don't jump on
the bouncy castle.
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440. You can't do that
'cause you're going to get
horribly, horribly injured.
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441. Hey, Michael,
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442. I have a present for you
but you have to come down
and get it.
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443. What is it?
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444. Come down
and open it and you'll see.
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445. Dwight, find out
what the present is.
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446. Okay, I don't see anything.
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447. She might be bluffing.
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448. Dwight.
Dwight.
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449. It's a...
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450. A Repliee-Q-One-Expo
female robot.
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451. They're only
available in Japan.
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452. Dwight, you are such a liar.
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453. Pam, really what is it?
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454. Mike, this is
the opposite of safety.
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455. You jump, you're going to
seriously hurt yourself.
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456. You told me
that I lead a...
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457. A cushy, wimpy Nerf life.
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458. Yeah.
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459. But I never said you
had nothing to live for.
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460. What do I have to live for?
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461. A lot of things.
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462. You...
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463. What about Jan?
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464. Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan,
man.
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465. It's going good, right?
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466. It's complicated with Jan.
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467. And I don't know where
I stand or what I want.
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468. The sex isn't nearly
as good as it used to be.
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469. Mike,
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470. you're a very brave man.
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471. I mean it takes
courage just to be you.
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472. To get out of bed
every single day,
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473. knowing full well
you got to be you.
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474. Do you really mean that?
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475. I couldn't do it.
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476. I ain't that strong
and I ain't that brave.
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477. I'm braver than you?
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478. Way braver.
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479. You Braveheart, man.
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480. I Braveheart.
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481. I am.
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482. Come on down, okay?
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483. Okay.
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484. Pam, I'm coming
down to get my present.
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485. An office is
as safe as the people
in it.
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486. And sometimes those people can
drive you to do crazy things
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487. to show
the dangers of the office.
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488. That's the danger
I found myself in today.
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489. I saved a life.
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490. My own.
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491. Am I a hero?
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492. I really can't say, but yes.
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